perfectly normal squire

Salz | squire.

[squiresalz]

Hello all tis I, Salz

Pronouns are they/them

Funding my philosophy education by being a squire for my cousin.

Tags

#salz appearance - General tag

#my employer - Speaking to my employer, @yurifulknight

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

a royal decree is sent to all the knights and squires that are under elizabeth’s command/care. the papers are (of course) pink and cinnamon scented.

Hear Ye, Soldiers!

wasn’t that amusing? i wanted to be Serious for a moment! anyways!

i am no longer Princess Elizabeth, but Queen. my mothers have been….. disposed of, as well as most of their council. i promise you will all be taken care of under my reign, as i had already been putting new laborer’s rights clauses to a few laws before my time as Queen so suddenly began.

nothing much will change now, except for my title and the power of my Word. do not worry, none of you shall come to harm under my reign.

kisses,

Your Queen 💋

@squiresalz @totally-normal-squire @lord-leander-khidell

[squiresalz]

Noted.

[basicbascinet]

what am i supposed to do with the squires and pages?! they’re not getting tired?!?! catherine and i have had them running laps, but the second we try to sit them down they’re shaking and bouncing faster than the speed of light?!?! also unrelated children can have coffee right

I mean, they are meant to grown into knights, so they are pretty active--- YOU GAVE THEM COFFEE?

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

CAFFIENE MAKES ME CALM DOWN?!?! IS THAT NOT WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY HAVE COFFEE?!

[basicbascinet]

IT'S A STIMULANT PEOPLE LITERALLY USE IT FOR RELIGIOUS VIGILS AND TRANCES

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

WHAT???? TIS IMPOSSIBLE!!!

….am i broken…..?

[basicbascinet]

Some people are immune to certain poisons, or get reactions from harmless substances. You probably just work different, but you could ask for a healer to check your humours. But please, no more coffee for the kids.

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

oh. i see. uhm ok no more coffee! noted!

also if one more 14 year old tells me their knight was cruel i’m going to round up the good ones and we’re beating their asses. try and stop me. i dare you.

mwah 💋 love ya bye!

[basicbascinet]

Nah, I'd be right there with you.

[squiresalz]

I am requesting more coffee please I am so normal and completely not stimulated by caffeine please. Please. Please I need it

[basicbascinet]

GET DOWN FROM THE ROOF

[squiresalz]

I desire caffeine post haste and will not be blipping from my current spot until it is given

[basicbascinet]

what am i supposed to do with the squires and pages?! they’re not getting tired?!?! catherine and i have had them running laps, but the second we try to sit them down they’re shaking and bouncing faster than the speed of light?!?! also unrelated children can have coffee right

I mean, they are meant to grown into knights, so they are pretty active--- YOU GAVE THEM COFFEE?

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

CAFFIENE MAKES ME CALM DOWN?!?! IS THAT NOT WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY HAVE COFFEE?!

[basicbascinet]

IT'S A STIMULANT PEOPLE LITERALLY USE IT FOR RELIGIOUS VIGILS AND TRANCES

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

WHAT???? TIS IMPOSSIBLE!!!

….am i broken…..?

[basicbascinet]

Some people are immune to certain poisons, or get reactions from harmless substances. You probably just work different, but you could ask for a healer to check your humours. But please, no more coffee for the kids.

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

oh. i see. uhm ok no more coffee! noted!

also if one more 14 year old tells me their knight was cruel i’m going to round up the good ones and we’re beating their asses. try and stop me. i dare you.

mwah 💋 love ya bye!

[basicbascinet]

Nah, I'd be right there with you.

[squiresalz]

I am requesting more coffee please I am so normal and completely not stimulated by caffeine please. Please. Please I need it

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

elizabeth knocks on the door of the squire’s residence, calling out in a singsong voice, “oh saaaaalz!! do you want to come play a prank on catarina?”

@squiresalz

[squiresalz]

a small, familiar hand taps her shoulder from behind. how did they get there so quickly?

“I’d be pleased to aid you. What did you have in mind?”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she whips around, a manic grin spreading across her face. “just the squire i wanted to see! how about a bucket of cold water while she’s showering?”

[squiresalz]

they consider this for a second.

“I hate to say this but she does not shower. At least not how you people do it.”

realizing how that came out, they try to backtrack.

“Not saying she’s covered in dirt- that would be horrible- she just goes in the river.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she snorts loudly, “well i sure hoped she bathed somehow, i’ve kissed her. then that plan is scrapped, i shan’t ambush her in the river, she’d get mad. any other ideas?”

[squiresalz]

“There is always Juan Carlos, but he bit me the last time I attempted a heist.”

they fidget with their hands.

“I mean, you could do a river ambush. The most that would happen is she’d melt.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

“i keep hearing about juan carlos. we’re not bringing him into this.” elizabeth snickers at the thought, imagining the spooked look on salz’s face when they got bitten.

“yes….. river ambush sounds funny! two questions! do you know when she goes? and can you get a trumpet?”

[squiresalz]

“I saw her heading out a few hours ago, she should still be there. As for your second question-”

they literally blink out of existence, then reappear a few minutes later holding a very shiny trumpet.

“-here is the trumpet.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

“fucking hells, that scared me- oh my gods. my dear cousin-in-law, i think you are my new best friend. can you uh… do the blip thing with me? to get to the river?”

[squiresalz]

they nod.

“I’m assuming you’ve been engulfed before, considering the company you keep.”

a slate gray creature stands where salz once was, wrapping itself around her to blip to the river. it’s slightly rougher and more businesslike than how catherine does it. makes sense, considering they’re just trying to get somewhere.

the creature lets go, and salz stands in front of her.

“You have arrived at your destination.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

elizabeth knocks on the door of the squire’s residence, calling out in a singsong voice, “oh saaaaalz!! do you want to come play a prank on catarina?”

@squiresalz

[squiresalz]

a small, familiar hand taps her shoulder from behind. how did they get there so quickly?

“I’d be pleased to aid you. What did you have in mind?”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she whips around, a manic grin spreading across her face. “just the squire i wanted to see! how about a bucket of cold water while she’s showering?”

[squiresalz]

they consider this for a second.

“I hate to say this but she does not shower. At least not how you people do it.”

realizing how that came out, they try to backtrack.

“Not saying she’s covered in dirt- that would be horrible- she just goes in the river.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she snorts loudly, “well i sure hoped she bathed somehow, i’ve kissed her. then that plan is scrapped, i shan’t ambush her in the river, she’d get mad. any other ideas?”

[squiresalz]

“There is always Juan Carlos, but he bit me the last time I attempted a heist.”

they fidget with their hands.

“I mean, you could do a river ambush. The most that would happen is she’d melt.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

“i keep hearing about juan carlos. we’re not bringing him into this.” elizabeth snickers at the thought, imagining the spooked look on salz’s face when they got bitten.

“yes….. river ambush sounds funny! two questions! do you know when she goes? and can you get a trumpet?”

[squiresalz]

“I saw her heading out a few hours ago, she should still be there. As for your second question-”

they literally blink out of existence, then reappear a few minutes later holding a very shiny trumpet.

“-here is the trumpet.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

elizabeth knocks on the door of the squire’s residence, calling out in a singsong voice, “oh saaaaalz!! do you want to come play a prank on catarina?”

@squiresalz

[squiresalz]

a small, familiar hand taps her shoulder from behind. how did they get there so quickly?

“I’d be pleased to aid you. What did you have in mind?”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she whips around, a manic grin spreading across her face. “just the squire i wanted to see! how about a bucket of cold water while she’s showering?”

[squiresalz]

they consider this for a second.

“I hate to say this but she does not shower. At least not how you people do it.”

realizing how that came out, they try to backtrack.

“Not saying she’s covered in dirt- that would be horrible- she just goes in the river.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she snorts loudly, “well i sure hoped she bathed somehow, i’ve kissed her. then that plan is scrapped, i shan’t ambush her in the river, she’d get mad. any other ideas?”

[squiresalz]

“There is always Juan Carlos, but he bit me the last time I attempted a heist.”

they fidget with their hands.

“I mean, you could do a river ambush. The most that would happen is she’d melt.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

elizabeth knocks on the door of the squire’s residence, calling out in a singsong voice, “oh saaaaalz!! do you want to come play a prank on catarina?”

@squiresalz

[squiresalz]

a small, familiar hand taps her shoulder from behind. how did they get there so quickly?

“I’d be pleased to aid you. What did you have in mind?”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

she whips around, a manic grin spreading across her face. “just the squire i wanted to see! how about a bucket of cold water while she’s showering?”

[squiresalz]

they consider this for a second.

“I hate to say this but she does not shower. At least not how you people do it.”

realizing how that came out, they try to backtrack.

“Not saying she’s covered in dirt- that would be horrible- she just goes in the river.”

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

elizabeth knocks on the door of the squire’s residence, calling out in a singsong voice, “oh saaaaalz!! do you want to come play a prank on catarina?”

@squiresalz

[squiresalz]

a small, familiar hand taps her shoulder from behind. how did they get there so quickly?

“I’d be pleased to aid you. What did you have in mind?”

[basicbascinet]

Hard at work cracking down on squire mistreatment. If you are squire has committed ethical violations against yourself or others, get in contact with the KPS, we can help.

[squiresalz]

What if I commit whimsical violations against my employer

[basicbascinet]

...Im not sure I know what would that entail and I'm worried I will find out.

[squiresalz]

May or may not involve another Juan Carlos incident

[basicbascinet]

What? Who is Juan Carlos??

[squiresalz]

Juan Carlos is my employer’s messenger pigeon. I have taken him once or twice

[basicbascinet]

Hard at work cracking down on squire mistreatment. If you are squire has committed ethical violations against yourself or others, get in contact with the KPS, we can help.

[squiresalz]

What if I commit whimsical violations against my employer

[basicbascinet]

...Im not sure I know what would that entail and I'm worried I will find out.

[squiresalz]

May or may not involve another Juan Carlos incident

[basicbascinet]

Hard at work cracking down on squire mistreatment. If you are squire has committed ethical violations against yourself or others, get in contact with the KPS, we can help.

[squiresalz]

What if I commit whimsical violations against my employer

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

@squiresalz what’s the top 3 most embarrassing things catherine has done?

i need more material to taunt her during our sparring sessions. also she’s cute when she blushes.

[squiresalz]

Are you seeking the "haha funny she dropped paint on her armor" type of embarrassing, or the "oh dear god if this came to light she would be burned at the stake" type? Because there are many of each type.

[pearlescentknight]

I mean at least I’m not a squire yk

[squiresalz]

What is that supposed to mean :/

[confirmed-and-contorted]

sorry i moaned when you pledged your fealty to me.

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

i definitely didn’t do this at your knighting ceremony…….. right @yurifulknight ??????

[yurifulknight]

no comment

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

you passed the test, you get a treat now!!! come to my room and i will kiss you senseless!!!

[squiresalz]

I have information that may benefit the masses

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

no you certainly do NOT!!! especially since you like being employed……. (threat)

[squiresalz]

I believe my cousin pays my salary. Anyway-

[confirmed-and-contorted]

sorry i moaned when you pledged your fealty to me.

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

i definitely didn’t do this at your knighting ceremony…….. right @yurifulknight ??????

[yurifulknight]

no comment

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

you passed the test, you get a treat now!!! come to my room and i will kiss you senseless!!!

[squiresalz]

I have information that may benefit the masses

[byjove]

my knight dismissed me as his squire for shrieking “DIVA DOWN!” when he was unhorsed on the battlefield

[most-mid-lady-in-the-land]

@squiresalz this you?

[squiresalz]

Indeed it is ma’am!