lina

| she/her | 20s | obsessed with middle aged men and women

[winterscaptain]

a joyful future. masterlist.

aaron hotchner x gender neutral!reader aaron hotchner x female!reader

a joyful future is co-written by @ssaic-jareau​ and beta’d by @duchesschameleon

stats

most recent masterlist update: august 5th, 2025 total word count: 613k (including unpublished work)

uses of “y/n”: ZERO. and it will never be higher than that!!!

links

current posting schedule

archive of our own

inspo blog + media folder

dm me for nsfw inspo blog @ if and only if you are over 18.

key

✸ contains 18+ content ✦ contains suggestive/sensitive content ▶ episode fics on the to-write list ☎ podfic link ✂ director’s commentary link (meta & deleted scenes) ◎ digital media

unpublished fics are finished but not yet posted! coming soon indicates there is a posting schedule for that chapter!

follow @ajoyfulfuture and subscribe to post notifications for the latest updates!

Keep reading

[byjove]

There is such a double standard in the way male family annihilators under duress and women who kill their children in the midst of extreme mental illness are treated by the press. A man loses his job or gets served divorce papers and immediately kills all of his children and himself in front of his wife instead of seeking help and he is the poster boy for the mental health crisis and there are serious discussions about how men feel their only worth comes from providing an income. A woman suffers from extreme postpartum mental illness and actively seeks treatment for days, weeks or months and is genuinely failed by the mental health system and her support system and finally kills her children and tries to kill herself because her brain keeps telling her to do it and she is painted as the most cold, calculating, evil and despicable monster the world has ever seen. There are mothers saying they also suffered from postpartum anxiety/depression/psychosis and they NEVER thought about killing their kids so obviously she just hated her children because the thought of mental illness being so severe it can make a mother a danger to her own children is scarier than framing it as an isolated act of intentional evil.

The media and society at large is always handholding patriarchal violence and disproportionately condemning and punishing women who act in ways that are considered counter to the romanticized ideal of a mother or wife. The media is always discussing men’s mental health when the problem is often that men refuse to seek it because they resent the idea of a loss of control or social stigma while women are begging and pleading with their support systems and psychiatrists for help and receiving none. There is a serious mental health crisis in this country, we repeat that over and over again and then fail people when they show signs of serious mental illness or beg for help.

We already know the justice system and particularly the justice system in the state of Massachusetts hates women and some of the pieces of information weaponized against Lindsay Clancy make me think there is every possibility her trial will go the way of the first Andrea Yates trial.

*TERFs, do not hijack this post. Fuck you.

[likeweareinparis]

Seeing everyone’s opinions about Lindsay Clancy and how much they don’t give a fuck about postpartum psychosis and how they don’t see postpartum mental illness as legitimate issue is very heartbreaking.

[falsegodlife]

Christina Request!!

I would really love some just cutesy domestic headcanons. Like maybe readers preggers or smth. i dont really mind i just LOVEEEE domestic fluff

work song

no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to her ── .✦ hozier

ᯓ★ paring: christina koch x reader

ᯓ★ summary: some cute headcannons!!

ᯓ★ word count: 603

ᯓ★ tags: domestic fluff, one of them is kinda sexual, a few pregnant reader ones, just lots of fluff!!

ᯓ★ author's note: i loved this request SO SO much!! i've never written headcannons before so hopefully this was what you wanted!!

── ˖ ࣪ ⊹ ✦ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ She absolutely loves fixing things for you. The best part is, you don’t even have to ask. It’s never a big production, either. She doesn’t announce that she’s going to fix something or make a big deal about it afterward. You’ll just come home one afternoon and realize the loose handle on the bathroom cabinet is suddenly tight again.

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ She’s gotten really into photography, and you happen to be her favorite subject. She’s constantly sneaking little candid pictures of you when you aren’t paying attention—curled up on the couch, cooking dinner, laughing at something on your phone, or standing by the window in the morning light. You’ll catch the quiet click of her camera and immediately look over, only for Christina to give you an innocent little smile before taking another picture. She insists she’s “practicing,” but considering half the photos on her camera roll are of you, you’re starting to think she just likes having pictures of you to look at later.

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ For some reason, seeing you in the kitchen just does something to her. She finds it hard to keep her hands off you. She’ll try to give you space while you’re cooking, but eventually she always ends up behind you, arms slipping around your waist as she presses a kiss to your cheek. She’ll pretend she’s only there to see what you’re making, but her hands inevitably settle on your hips, keeping you tucked against her while you stir whatever’s on the stove. Quite often, the food ends up burning as Christina drags you to the bedroom, or she gets impatient and takes you on the countertop instead. 

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ She loves grocery shopping with you. It’s supposed to be a quick trip, but somehow you end up wandering every aisle together, debating snacks and making each other laugh. She’ll push the cart with one hand and hold yours with the other whenever there’s nothing else she needs to grab. Christina is also a sucker for trying new foods; half of your cart ends up being snacks to “taste test” later that night. 

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ She always sits on the bathroom counter while you get ready. She’ll drink her coffee, watch you do your hair, and occasionally make some completely unnecessary comment just to make you laugh. Sometimes, when you’re taking a morning shower, she slips in behind you; “we need to save water,” is always her excuse. 

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ When you’re pregnant, Christina gets completely fascinated by your growing belly. She’ll be sitting beside you on the couch, talking about her day, when her hand will absentmindedly settle over your stomach and stay there. The second the baby kicks, though, she goes completely still, eyes widening as she looks at you. “Was that—?” You laugh and nod, and suddenly she’s grinning like an idiot, waiting patiently for another kick. When it happens again, she looks down at your belly with this soft, almost disbelieving smile before leaning over to kiss it. “Hi, baby,” she whispers, like she’s already having a conversation with them.

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ Christina absolutely cannot resist buying the baby little space-themed clothes. It starts with one tiny astronaut onesie, then somehow turns into a growing collection of NASA-inspired pajamas, little rocket-ship socks, and a ridiculously small space helmet hat that she insists is “too cute not to buy.” Half the time she comes home with another tiny outfit tucked into a shopping bag, claiming she just happened to see it and couldn’t leave it behind. Your baby hasn’t even been born yet, and Christina is already building them an entire wardrobe for their future career in space.

── ˖ ࣪ ⊹ ✦ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

[goldduststevie]

Stevie on stage with Fleetwood Mac at the Us Fest in 1982.

[goldduststevie]

Fleetwood Mac with "Rumours" producer Richard Dashut at the Grammy awards in 1978.

[walmartnoodle]

Wdym you hate Stratt? Without her you don’t get a story

[thecraftyninjacat]

just spent twenty minutes scrolling the tag and giggling

@justcakethanks

[jeghenn]

stretching

[goldduststevie]

Stevie onstage in 1982.

[goldduststevie]

Stevie photographed by Herbert Worthington - 1985.

[goldduststevie]

Stevie photoghraphed by Herbert Worthington - 1985.

[goldduststevie]

Stevie and John on stage at the JFK Stadium in Philadelphia, PA - July 30, 1978.

[storiesofsvu]

A Cold Drink

Jack Abbot x fem!reader warnings: language, alcohol consumption, flirtation, teasing, dirty talk, it's not really smut, but there's some smut, ya know? Basically this blurb's been sitting in my doc's for over a year with no characters assigned to it and my roommate and I were just talking about Abbot and figured it could fit him. Don't hate me if it doesn't lol. 2.5k

A burst pipe in your apartment was all it took. 

Jack jumping on the opportunity to have you around, to have you close, to finally throw something more than kindling on the growing fire sparking between you. A little forced proximity never hurt anyone, right? Two weeks of you across the hall in his guest room meant two weeks of pent up frustration, flirting, toeing the line, and oh so much domestication. It all felt real, it felt good, and it was driving the both of you absolutely mad, a game of chicken ongoing between you, waiting for the other person to cry uncle first. 

Tonight was somehow worse, Jack had invited the crew over, a barbeque to celebrate the halfway point of summer. You were all for fun and games, but this meant you had to tone down the flirting, drag your eyes off him when all you wanted to do was watch him all night, resist the magnetic pull he seemed to have hypnotised you with. Even just one second too long of a lingering glance and everyone would have a field day, pushing the two of you together like awkward chess pieces coupled with relentless hours of teasing, prodding for personal information that you certainly didn’t want to give away.

Nevertheless, the evening was going smoothly and as the sun disappeared, stars taking over the dark sky, you did what any good houseguest would do and discreetly started to tidy up. Finally slipping inside with a small stack of dishes, away from prying eyes, away from the temptation, inside, where it almost felt like you could breathe properly again. 

Over at the barbeque, Jack stacked up the last of the grilled pineapple onto a serving platter before turning off the grill and officially shutting it down for the night. He announced dessert, a tub of ice cream in his other hand as he placed both down on the patio table, unsurprised at the speed the tipsy medical staff lunged for it. He took the opportunity of empty chairs and side tables to clear a handful of things, keeping up now meant less to deal with in the morning.

Jack stepped through the sliding glass door, pulling it shut behind him with one hand, small stack of plates in the other. Two steps into the house and he found you in the kitchen, facing the sink with the water running.

“What’re you doing?” He asked, a small grin in his voice and you glanced over your shoulder.

“Cleaning as I go.” You replied with a smile, placing a chip bowl in the drying rack, “less mess to deal with later.”

He crossed the room, slipping the plates into the sink, “I thought cleaning was the party hosts job.”

You chuckled, “you’re letting me stay here for free for an undetermined amount of time, it’s the least I can do.”

“You remember there’s a dishwasher, right?” He asked with a tease, leaning against the counter beside you and you playfully rolled your eyes.

“Already running. It was mostly full of dishes from the week.” You wiped and rinsed one of the plates he’d brought in, “go back out.” You nodded toward the door, “hang out with the team.”

“I’ve been hanging out with those idiots for long enough,” he inched closer, determined to make this happen tonight, you’d both been waiting long enough, “can’t I wanna hang out with a pretty girl instead?”

Your cheeks warmed, a flush creeping its way up the back of your neck as you let out a small laugh, “I’m almost done.” You rinsed the last plate, pulling the plug on the sink and he instinctively reached for the towel looped around the oven handle, wordlessly passing it off so you could dry your hands, “I was just gonna put the dry stuff away and come back out.”

“Let me help.” He offered and you shrugged in response, not really wanting to send him away quite yet.

Jack’s hand caught yours and your heart leapt into your throat, you’d been playing this game all week and for the briefest second you thought he was about to pull you to him. Instead, the towel slid through your fingers and he turned on his heel to fold it back over the oven handle. 

You let out a low breath, turning back to the dish rack in an attempt to distract yourself and calm your racing heart. The glassware and cup cupboard was in front of you so you started with that, coffee mugs from that morning on the first shelf, shorter glasses on the middle one and the taller cups on the third and highest shelf. 

When he turned back from the cutlery drawer Jack let out a small laugh at the sight of you teetering on the tips of your toes attempting to put away a cup on the tallest shelf. He stepped up behind you, a palm flattening across the small of your back as if to steady you as he reached around you with his other hand to pluck the glass from your fingers. 

“Here.” He murmured, placing the glass onto its shelf with ease, almost unintentionally caging you into the counter. 

He hadn’t meant to linger but the smell of your shampoo invaded his senses once he’d stepped up to you, warmth wafting between your bodies and he no longer wanted to move, he wanted to breathe you in for as long as he could. You dropped back down onto flat feet, bringing the top of your head to just under his chin, if he tilted his face barely an inch he could brush a kiss to your hair. The hand he had on your back twitched, fingers daring to curl around your waist, thumb brushing the exposed skin between your shirt and shorts. 

Bracing your hands on the counter you took a breath; this was doing nothing for your blood pressure. You could feel the heat coming off his body, his fingers resting on your skin, his warm breath on the shell of your ear. You slowly spun yourself around, daring to look up at him, 

“Jack… what’re you doing?”

“What I’ve been waiting for all week.” The hand not on your waist lifted, curling under your chin, tilting your face up to him and after a brief second to let you pull away if you wanted, he leant down, pressing your lips together in a chaste kiss.

Your hands flew to his shoulders instantly, one gripping into his shirt, keeping him where he was and deepening the kiss. The thundering in your chest had turned to fireworks, leaping through your entire body, dancing their way through your limbs, tingling through your fingers and surging their way into his skin. The hand he had on your waist slid around, arm circling and pulling you closer together as your lips continued to move with grace against one another. It was only when a loud laugh echoed through the room from the back yard that you pulled apart, frozen in time, eyes pouring into each other as you waited for another sound announcing someone coming inside yet were met with nothing.

“You’ve been waiting all week to kiss me?” Your lips curved up into a grin and he let out a small laugh. 

“It’s been driving me crazy all night to not be able to.” Jack hand slid up your back, “to not have my hands on you, not have you in my lap out there.”

“Good.” Your eyebrow raised in a tease, “cause I’ve been waiting since that first night after the movies. So you better be planning on doing it again.”

“Oh I am.” It was his turn to grin before he stole another kiss, this one longer than the first. 

Jack’s arms tightened around you when you practically melted into him, his confidence growing with just how much you were enjoying it. He never wanted to stop, he wanted more, wanted to know what his mouth felt like ghosting over every inch of your skin, wanted to know what your pillowy lips felt like other places on his body. When your lips parted in a dreamy sigh he took his chance, tongue plunging into your mouth and he couldn’t help but groan. You tasted like the fruity punch of your seltzer, a hint of vanilla from one of the after dinner treats. You tasted like heaven and he couldn’t get enough.

When you finally pulled away your lips were kiss swollen and parted just enough for your panting breaths to escape, “Christ.” You muttered, feeling far more fuzzy headed than you had from any of the drinks, you weren’t sure you were going to be able to find the words to properly convey your thoughts. 

Jack chuckled, leaving a kiss on the tip of your nose, “m’not stopping anytime soon either.” 

His nose nudged at your cheek, turning your face to the side and he kissed your jaw, brushed his lips just under your ear. The hand on your cheek shifted to your nape, fingers trailing up and down your spine, tangling into your hair and he turned your head further. He kissed the side of your neck, eagerly sucking at the sensitive skin, pulling a gasp from you. 

“Shit…” Your hand fisted his shirt, body arching into his.

“So sensitive.” He murmured with a smirk, his breath hot on your neck and you let out a little whimper that made him weak. “Christ baby.”

Jack pressed his lips into your neck again, leaving wet kisses up and down the column of supple skin until you let out a shiver and his teeth sunk into the crook of your neck. His hand slid further up into the roots of your hair, fingers threading around locks before pulling. 

“Jack…” You groaned, a pulsing shooting through your body.

A smirk on his lips, his tongue laved over the bite mark before he did both movements again, but this time harder, tugging on your hair until your head was rolling back and your eyes were fluttering shut with a soft moan. 

“If you keep doing that, I’m going to ruin my underwear.” You whined.

It was Jack’s turn to let out a low groan, blood soaring south and he nipped at your neck in retaliation, relishing in the way you shuddered in his arms.

“I’m serious.” You gasped, fingers clawing at his shoulders, digging into his skin through his shirt.

When he pulled away from the crook of your neck, hand trailing up and down your nape he caught you panting, pupils blown and a surge of need burst through him. His mouth ran dry at the way you were looking at him and he wanted to fucking eat you alive right then and there.

“You have company, we can’t exactly both disappear for twenty minutes.” You pointed out, as if you could read his mind and he tilted his head to the side. 

“Not without them figuring out exactly what we were doing.” He chuckled, a playful darkness shifting into his eyes, “and I need far more than twenty minutes with you.” He murmured, leaning down to kiss you again as his hand slid down your side, gently squeezing your ass before circling to the front and sneaking up your thigh. “But if you’re gonna ruin ‘em anyways, I may as well check right now.”

Smirk on his lips Jack snuck his hand under your loose shorts and when his thumb pressed into your pussy through your underwear you gasped, hand flying over your mouth in an attempt to stay quiet. He chuckled, rubbing his thumb up and down the length of your heat, pressing the fabric into the patch of wetness dripping out. 

“Jerk.” You muttered, hips jumping toward his touch and you couldn’t help but let out another whimper that made his cock twitch. 

“I was planning on playing nice.” He pressed a kiss to the other side of your neck, “but then you started making all those pretty noises.” His thumb brushed up, circling your clit and you mewled, knees nearly buckling. He looped an arm around your waist again, holding you tight to him as he continued to brush his thumb over the wet spot on your underwear, “yeah, like that one.” His teeth nipped into your neck and your nails started to dig into his shoulders, “y’know, I’m starting to think I could make you come without even really touching you.”

You were trying to come up with an insult, a comeback, honestly anything at this point before your body proved him entirely right when there was a sudden yell from the backyard, this one louder and much closer to the door, footsteps approaching. You whipped around to face the sink again, flinging the tap on like your life depended on it. In one smooth movement, Jack stepped to the side, grabbing the dish towel and sliding two already clean plates back into the sink to go along with your charade. 

“You know we coulda helped with that.” Dana greeted, moving into the kitchen to dump a handful of empties into the recycle. 

“Almost done.” Jack replied, glancing over his shoulder with a grin, “but thanks.”

“Yeah, you got any more of those ciders? McKay wanted a couple more.”

“Garage fridge. There’s some more Sam Adams out there too.” 

“Great, thanks.”

A second later Dana was gone, the glass door sliding shut again and you let out a low breath, gripping the edge of the sink. Jack chuckled, moving the plates back into the drying rack. His hand rubbed across the small of your back when he moved past to put the towel back, sending tingles shooting through your body again. 

“I swear to God, Abbot, if you don’t fuck me tonight, you’re dead to me.”

A pulse shot through his body and the next thing you knew he was caging your into the counter again, breath hot on the back of your neck as his body pressed against you. 

“Baby the second they’re out the door I’m gonna have my hands all over you.” His arm wound around you, fingers splaying out across your stomach, “need to feel just how wet that pussy’s been all night for me.” He kissed the side of your neck, “wanna taste you, eat you out until you can’t handle it anymore and are begging for my cock.” He ground his hips against your ass and you could feel him, half hard already, “hell I’ll bend you over the counter and take you right here.”

With another roll of his hips your breath caught in your throat, hips clashing into the counter and suddenly a gust of cool air hit your back when Jack stepped away, smirk on his face.

“You’re a jackass.” You fought back a laugh, watching as he pulled open the fridge to grab a beer for himself before pulling out a seltzer.

“Want one? You look like you could use a cold drink.”

____________

DM/reply/lmk if you'd like to be added to the Abbot (or any other Pitt characters) taglists! <3

[buttonsandbones]

the concept of being baran al-hashimi’s young girlfriend who breaks through her professional side.

[scarlet-widow3000]

Intrusive Thoughts

Pairing: Baran Al-Hashimi x fem!reader Summary: An argument with Dana leads you to second guess your relationship with Baran. When you go home early and things don’t go as planned you believe the relationship is over… Tags/Warnings: fem!reader, nurse!reader, dana is your aunt, dana is kinda mean, misunderstandings, Baran is lost in her own world, hurt/comfort, ANGST, fluff Word Count: 4,598

Being a nurse was difficult every day, but of course the one time you needed a break it wasn’t in the cards for you. Not only did you receive a marathon of difficult cases, but you’d argued with your charge nurse and it definitely didn’t help that she was your aunt. 

“You need to get your head out of your ass, kid. We’re all having a rough day and you making stupid mistakes is not helping anyone. Jesus Christ I don’t know how she deals with you.” 

The end of Dana’s sentence came out as more of a whisper, but you heard it. Your heart raced as the line between family and coworker blurred. Dana had no right to talk about your relationship with Baran. 

To say you were protective of the attending was an understatement. 

“What the hell does that mean?” You bit back. Your heart was racing and you could feel the twitch in your eye taking over more of your face. Normally, you’d never challenge Dana or speak out of turn to her at work, but you were feeling bold. What was one more mistake?

“Go home kid. There’s only an hour left and you clearly need to rest and reset.” Dana grit her teeth at you as she tried to walk away, but you blocked the path. 

She had pulled you into a corner to scold you, but with you standing between her and the hallway her patience waned. As Dana looked at you, acting so similar to her youngest sister, she tried not to let her emotions take over. 

“This is our place of work. Don’t think that just because you’re my niece I won’t write you up. Stop acting like a child.” You rolled your eyes, unable to contain your anger. Pulling the niece card was something she did far too often and that was your professional and familial opinion. 

“Oh please, let’s not pretend like you care whether we’re family here or not. Everyone treats me differently because you never let them forget I’m your precious little niece.” It was the truth. There hadn’t been a day that went by at PTMC where someone didn’t mention the family tie in one way or another. 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” She was clearly in denial and it only riled you up more. 

“Oh come off of it Dana. They’ve all tiptoed around me since you reprimanded Princess for flirting with me.” Dana huffed in aggravation and placed her hands on her hips. 

“God forbid I protect one of my nurses when they look uncomfortable.” It was a ridiculous excuse and you knew it. She was arguing just for the sake of arguing at this point. 

She had reprimanded Princess like an aunt, not a charge nurse. 

“Princess flirts with everyone! It was my first fucking day. You treated me like a little kid and now none of them even look at me if they can help it. It was embarrassing!” You were practically shouting at this point and were sure you’d draw a crowd soon, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

It wasn’t your intention to cause a scene, but you were done biting your tongue. You’d been working at PTMC for just over a year and it hadn’t gotten any better since Dana put her foot down. 

“What’s embarrassing is you parading around the department like you didn’t benefit from being my family and haven’t been practically pissing everywhere, laying your claim since you and Al-Hashimi started dating. I’m not the only one who’s getting tired of you showing off like a child.” 

Dana’s voice was dangerously low. That was the second time she’d alluded to your relationship with Baran and it did not settle well. 

Dana was being such a hypocrite. All she’d done was lay her claim on you around the ED. She’d acted like your overbeating aunt from the minute you walked in, not like a professional charge nurse. 

She was clearly biased and couldn’t see the truth. 

“Go home and maybe take a look in the mirror.” You felt like a kicked puppy as you moved away from Dana and left the hospital. There was only so much you could say without ruining your relationship with the woman forever. 

You were tired physically and emotionally. You knew if you continued arguing it would only hurt more in the long run. You weren’t sure if you were more worried about hurting Dana or getting hurt yourself. 

Whatever the case may be you were sure Dana had succeeded in getting under your skin in the worst way possible. You hadn’t doubted your relationship with Baran before, but hearing it from Dana’s mouth definitely made you second guess yourself. 

It was obvious that you were younger than the attending, but it had never even been something you two felt the need to call attention to. It really wasn’t an issue for either of you, but Dana was never wrong. 

She was always scarily on the nose with her assumptions and observations. As a kid you’d appreciated that she didn’t dance around the truth, but now it hurt more coming from her. 

It was hard to discern the truth from Dana’s thoughts that were worming their way into your brain. You wanted her to be wrong, but it was difficult fighting her words and your own racing mind. You’d always had a wild imagination.

As you drove home your thoughts swirled and you replayed every moment you’d shared with Baran recently. Of course at work she was professional. You were well aware of the standard she held herself to. She’d also been very clear about her expectations for your relationship in the ED.

You’d gone into the relationship knowing it wasn’t going to be easy being constantly around her while maintaining consistent professionalism. But it was something you’d talked about extensively before making everything official. 

You followed the rules you set together to a tee until you’d had a terrible day earlier in the week.

It wasn’t easy being an empath in a line of work that toyed with your emotions, but when you lost a kid you couldn’t help the panic that took over your body. 

You could feel the bile rising in your throat and as you rushed to the bathroom for the safety of an enclosed space. You wanted to look for Baran, but your body was shaking too much. 

You were able to text her, asking for help, but she was stuck in a trauma and couldn’t check her phone. She recognized the vibration of your message immediately, but assumed it was about the date she’d planned for later that night. 

You were eventually able to get your bearings and stumbled upon Baran when you left the bathroom. She still hadn’t checked her phone, losing a patient of her own, and she’d reprimanded you when you tried to pull her away from the floor. 

You took it in stride, but it still hurt. 

When Baran finally had the time to check her phone and realized what had happened she immediately apologized. You understood and accepted her apology. You didn’t have your date night and opted for holding each other instead. It was a cozy night that ended in little sleep. 

You’d thought the night went well all things considered, but you couldn’t help trying to think of any mistake you might’ve made since or before then.

Baran’s house was quiet when you entered, but you could smell the stench of cleaning products the second you walked in. You took off your shoes and emptied your pockets in the bowl by the door absentmindedly.

Your stomach lurched as you looked for her. She was stress cleaning. You’d only ever seen her do this once and it was when she had to have a tough conversation with you. 

Your throat tightened as you walked through the house and found her in the en suite bathroom to her bedroom. What caught your attention was all of your clothes laid out on the bed. It was various items you’d brought over in the last six months of dating. Some of the items you hadn’t even seen since you brought them. 

Besides your clothes everything else was spotless. It was clear she’d been cleaning practically the entire day. She’d had the day off and didn’t have her son. It was probably the perfect day to clean in her mind. 

The perfect day for her to clean you out of her life apparently. 

You clenched your jaw as you walked into the bathroom and saw her standing on the toilet, cleaning on top of the cabinet. She could barely reach even on her tippy toes.

As you entered you accidentally startled her, causing her to almost fall. You rushed over to her to help steady her. 

“What are you doing here?” She huffed, catching her breath. Baran hadn’t meant anything by the question, but it felt like a punch to the gut. Anxiety immediately settled in and you could feel the need to retreat into yourself. 

You quickly let go, as though you were burned, and took a step back. Your throat was painfully dry. You wiped your hands on your thighs and clasped your hands in front of your body to stop from twitching. 

“Long day, got to leave early.” Baran barely looked at you as she continued to clean. You felt like you were intruding in her space. You bit your lip, unsure of what to do with yourself. 

“Do you need help?” You offered. Maybe being useful would help to at least keep you busy. You weren’t necessarily sure it would make you feel better, but you had to try something. You didn’t enjoy cleaning like Baran, but you didn’t want to be rude either. 

“Absolutely not.” That stung. You could feel tears prickling behind your eyes as you rocked on the balls of your feet. You puffed your cheeks and tried to think of something to do that would be useful. 

“I’ll go start on dinner then.” You turned on your heels as quickly as you could. You didn’t want to cry in front of her. It was clear something was very wrong and you didn’t want a fight to add to whatever was going on.

“Already done, it’s in the oven.” Your breath hitched as you left the bathroom. You could feel the pounding in your chest increase. Seeing your clothes on the bed again sent you into a full tailspin. 

Normally when you felt like this you’d run towards Baran, but now it felt like an impossible task. You looked back at the bathroom one more time before leaving the room as quickly as you could. 

You wanted nothing more than to hide. If you were being truthful you knew you wanted the pressure of being held, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask. Everything felt like a series of wrongs. 

Before you knew it you were outside. 

You wanted to leave her house entirely, but knew you were in no state to drive. You’d barely been able to pull your shoes on before you were stumbling over your own feet down her street. You were sure you looked like a helpless fawn on ice, but it didn’t matter. 

You weren’t sure how long you walked before you found yourself at a park. You vaguely recognized it as one you’d taken Baran’s son to before. No one was there which you were grateful for as you sat on one of the swings. 

You didn’t pump your legs, but you enjoyed the feeling of being off the ground. You didn’t exactly feel light, but something about being off your feet for the first time all day was a small comfort. 

It took a while, but you were able to come back to yourself after some deep breathing and staring into space. It was only then that you noticed you didn’t have your phone and the sun was starting to set. It had been at least an hour since you left the house. 

You walked back to Baran’s house, bracing yourself for the inevitable on the way there. It was over. Dana had been right. You’d made too many mistakes and now it was time to pay for it by losing the woman you loved.  

The front door was still unlocked when you entered. Baran was nowhere to be seen. The house smelled more like food and less like cleaning products now, but it still felt wrong. 

It didn’t feel like you belonged there anymore. 

You went to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge when you heard Baran practically running down the stairs talking to someone on the phone. 

“I don’t know. I came downstairs and she was gone. Her car’s here, but her phone was left by the door. I don’t know why she…” Baran stopped talking when she made eye contact with you. She took a deep breath before telling the other person on the line you were back. 

Baran rushed over to you and took you in. She turned your face in her hands and checked your body to make sure nothing had happened to you. Oh how wrong she was because everything had happened.

“Where the hell have you been?” Baran was practically shouting in your face, but you barely reacted. You carefully pulled her hands off your face and put some distance between the two of you. 

“The park.” Your brain was short circuiting as you tried to protect yourself. You were protecting yourself from the inevitable, not her. Some part of you still knew Baran would never physically hurt you. 

You hoped that by answering her question quickly and without any added details she’d stop yelling. You were exhausted and everything felt like an attack. 

“What were you thinking?” You were thinking too much. That was the problem. Everything felt wrong. You didn’t even feel like yourself anymore. You weren’t sure if yourself was even good enough. You weren’t sure it had ever been. 

Baran took a moment and looked at you for the first time all day. Her eyebrows furrowed. You weren’t looking at her. You were staring over her shoulder, just to the right of her. 

What she noticed more than anything was that you looked small. You were practically crushing yourself into the kitchen counter opposite of where you once had been. You looked scared. 

Baran took a small step towards you and you flinched. Her heart ached for you. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she didn’t want to cause you any more harm. You knew she wasn’t actively trying to hurt you, but you felt raw. 

“Hey, azizam. Look at me.” The words snaked around your heart and clenched. You looked up to the ceiling to try and stop the tears from falling. 

“Please, don’t call me that.” Your voice came out just above a whisper. Baran’s throat constricted as she looked at you. Something was seriously wrong and she was kicking herself for not noticing sooner. 

“What’s wrong?” The question felt like a stab in the chest. So many things were wrong, but you didn’t think she cared. You clutched your water bottle to your side and took a deep breath. A few deep breaths actually.

“Baran, it’s okay. I understand. You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know I’ve been clingy and childish and you’ve had enough. I’m sorry I didn’t realize soon enough to fix my behavior. You don’t have to beat around the bush. You’re allowed to change your mind about me.” 

It was sad, but it felt like the truth. People were allowed to change their minds. Would it break you having to leave her, yes. Would you need to leave PTMC, yes. Would it feel like the world ended, yes. But you’d do it if it meant she was happy.

Life was full of ups and downs and you guessed it was just your time to go through a rough patch alone. Baran could see the emotions swirling in your eyes even though you were somehow able to keep your voice scarily even. 

What got to her the most was the use of her name. You always called her every pet name under the sun, but she hadn’t heard you use her government name outside the hospital since your first date. 

She stared at you for a moment and replayed the day in her head since you’d gotten home. She’d been so focused on using cleaning as a distraction that she hadn’t registered how sad you sounded earlier. How broken. 

Baran bit her lip as she tried again, but this time it took everything in her not to move her body towards you. She also kept her voice as soft as she could. 

“Eshgham, I have not changed my mind about you.” You slowly looked her in the eye, not sure if you believed her. Baran could see the hesitance written on your features as she continued. 

“There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed. You drive me absolutely crazy and I love that about you. I fell in love with you the moment you spilled your coffee on me outside the hospital. I will never get tired of having you close to me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I have a feeling I unknowingly added to the stress of your day. Can we please sit down and talk?” 

Your throat bobbed as a new wave of tears threatened to fall. 

“You don’t want to break up with me?” You squeaked out as you shifted on your feet. It was a nervous habit you’d had since you were a child. 

“No, I don’t want that at all. You’re stuck with me unless you tell me otherwise. I’m not going anywhere.” Baran relaxed when she saw you release the breath you’d been unconsciously holding. You were still too scared to move, but she could see your fingers reaching towards her. 

“Can I hold you nafasam?” You nodded to her, your fingers still twitching. Baran slowly walked towards you so she wouldn’t spook you before wrapping you in her arms. You immediately melted into her chest and clung to the hem of her shirt. 

Baran made sure to keep firm pressure around your torso as she raked her fingers through your hair. You buried your face into her neck and she held you until she felt your breathing even out. 

You were the first to pull away, but you didn’t go far. You couldn’t bring yourself to release her shirt either. Baran looked at you with such affection it hurt. She rubbed her palms up and down your arms. 

She didn’t say anything as she led you to the couch. She coaxed your hand free from her shirt and replaced it with her own as she sat down before pulling you into her lap. You easily went wherever she moved you, grateful for the closeness. 

“Dana and I had a fight. That’s the real reason why I came back early. She said some things that I couldn’t shake and made me doubt myself. I thought maybe I was too much and that you were tired of our relationship, among other things.” Baran rubbed your back and brushed her thumb over the knuckles of the hand she’d been holding.

She kissed your temple, but didn’t stop you from talking. She knew you had to let out all of your thoughts or they’d continue to consume you. She didn’t want that to happen any longer. She also knew you needed reassurance in the form of touch and she was happy to give it.

“When I got here, you were cleaning and all my clothes were out on the bed. I thought… I thought you were cleaning me out of your life. The only other time you cleaned like that was when I crossed a boundary. Then I…” Your heart was racing again and your body was practically vibrating with nerves. 

“Then you offered to help me and when I told you no it was just another nail in the coffin.” You nodded as you relaxed into her again. It felt good to let everything out. You hadn’t always been able to talk things through with other people, but Baran always encouraged it. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to see what was going on. I was so wrapped up in my own world I didn’t realize you were struggling. I’m so sorry, azizam. Your clothes were out because I was making room for you to have your own space because I want you here with me permanently.” Your eyes widened. This was a lot for your fuzzy brain to process.

“You mean?” Baran gave you a dopey smile and nodded as she rested her forehead on yours.

“Yes, I want you to move in. I’ve only hinted at it a million times over the last two weeks. And for clarity’s sake, I didn’t take up your offer for cleaning because I know it’s stressful for you which is the complete opposite for me. Besides, you shouldn’t have to come home and clean after a long shift even if it did get cut short.” You wrapped your arms around her neck and nuzzled your nose into her temple. 

“I feel so stupid. I should’ve tried to talk to you…” You mumbled. Baran shook her head and held you close. She was not having you blame yourself any longer.

“No, don’t say that. It’s not your fault. I wasn’t very inviting when you came home and didn’t give you a chance to even try.” You hummed and felt Baran shift underneath you. She lightly tapped your back twice, her way of silently asking you to look at her. 

“Is there anything else I can do to ease your worries?” You stared at her before looking away nervously. You bit the inside of your cheek as your eyebrows furrowed. Baran lightly pressed her thumb between your eyebrows and kissed your chin. 

“Do you think I’m too young or immature for you?” Baran kissed your cheek tenderly before answering honestly. 

“No, not at all. I love that there are things that make us different because of our ages. It means I get to see the world from a different perspective. Seeing the world through your eyes is something I will always cherish. Besides, just because you’re younger doesn’t mean I don’t have stamina too.” You giggled as you puffed out a breath of air. 

You felt slightly better, but you knew the conversation wasn’t over. There were still some difficult things swirling in your brain. Dana had really gotten under your skin whether she meant to or not. 

Baran pursed her lips and nodded at you in silent question. She could practically see the gears still turning in your brain. 

“Aunt Dana, she said something that has been bothering me. Honestly she said a lot of frustrating things, but I’m trying to figure out how to articulate them. It’s hard because it still hurts.” Baran nodded as she silently scolded the older woman. The blonde seemed to have a knack for upsetting you and it was really pissing her off. 

Intrusive thoughts were natural, Baran had plenty of them herself, but it seemed like Dana being your boss was definitely a conflict of interest. At the very least she thought having a talk with the woman would be beneficial even if the charge nurse was a powerhouse at work.

Baran was a powerhouse too and thought no one should ever make you feel this way. You didn’t deserve it. You were a damn good nurse and she’d make it known until she was blue in the face. 

“She kept alluding to the idea that maybe you weren’t happy with me or our relationship. Which, I know, is something that you’d bring up to me if it bothered you, but she kinda made it seem like maybe you two had been gossiping about my behavior or complaining about me showing off.” 

Baran grit her teeth. She knew exactly the conversation Dana had been referring to and it was clear that she blew it way out of proportion. 

Baran hated that this had been weighing on you, even if it had only been a few hours she knew how hard you were on yourself. Baran clicked her tongue before speaking again. 

“Dana and I overheard a conversation you and Trinity were having the other day by central seven about…”

“Our attending girlfriends.” Your eyes widened as you realized where this was going. 

“While calling me a milf is quite on the nose it wasn’t appropriate at work. I was embarrassed, yes, but not because of you showing off about me, but rather by the blush that spread on my face when I practically spit my water out onto Dana’s computer.” 

Your mouth hung open as a blush spread up your neck and on your cheeks. You’d never expected anyone to hear that conversation let alone the two women who did. 

“Oops.” 

“Yeah, oops.” Baran joked as she stole a few soft kisses on the corner of your mouth and your nose. 

“I promise that if it was something that truly bothered me, I’d bring it up to you. Like I said I wasn’t embarrassed by you. If anything I was embarrassed by how turned on I was at work.” You blushed again, hiding your face in Baran’s neck. 

She smoothed out your hair as you melted into her embrace. You felt more like yourself now and less like your aunt’s puppet. 

You could feel your heartbeat sync with Baran’s. It was comforting for a few minutes before your brain screamed at you again. 

You’d done a lot of talking about your own feelings, but realized Baran said she was wrapped up in her own head when you got home. The only problem was Baran hadn’t talked about it. 

You wiggled in her arms and threaded your fingers into her curls. You nipped at her jaw playfully before a serious look spread on your face. Baran raised her eyebrows at you in question. 

“Baby, why were you cleaning?” Baran sighed and drummed her fingers on your thigh and knuckles in thought. It kind of tickled, but you tried not to distract her from the moment. A small part of her relaxed at the sound of the pet name leaving your mouth. She took a deep breath as she snaked her arms around your middle. 

“My maman is coming to town.” Your eyes widened. You’d never met Baran’s mother, but you knew enough to know she idolized the woman. You found yourself trembling again, but for a completely different reason this time. 

Baran giggled from under you as she gave you an affectionate squeeze. It was going to be another long week, but it felt like you were moving in the same direction this time. 

“I’m glad we had this talk.” You whispered as your eyes fluttered closed for a minute. The emotions of the day were starting to take its toll. You knew you needed to go to bed soon. It was a comforting thought that Baran would be by your side.

“Me too, we should do it more often. I love listening to your voice and being able to ease some of those scary thoughts. I hope you know you deserve the world zendegim.” You smiled sleepily into her neck and returned the squeeze.

“I’m really starting to believe it.” 

***

Masterlist - Archive of Our Own

[kiraavi]