Thoughts I couldn't bare for you to ever know
Today I went to see your family while you were away and I was so happy to see them. My heart felt so full and I wanted to make sure I left before you got back. I didn’t want make you feel uncomfortable. I cried the whole way home because as I left I thought about you and crumbled.
I hate myself for all this. I just wish I never met you or just never dated you. I know we are never going to be together again. I wish I never chose someone else over you. I wish I fought so much harder.
I’m not strong enough for this. I hate how no one is like you and it kills me. I tell myself that I can find someone better. I don’t want anyone better I want you. Then I remember that you don’t exist anymore, that you don’t love me anymore and this is the hardest thing to grasp.
For the longest time I was ashamed that I was still in love with you. I pretended that I didn’t care what you did or who it was with. I go from saying how I hope you had the greatest life without me to crying saying I hoped you were as miserable as I am. You continued to haunt my dreams and found your home in my heart. I remember waking crying from dreams of you kissing me before I fell asleep and waking up realizing its all a dream. I couldn’t see you in public I’d panic because I would burst into tears. I’d get really drunk and cry about you.
I always had that thought in the back of my head telling myself that you can love anyone it’s something you build with someone. I’ve learned love is something that yes it takes time but you can’t just fall in love with anyone and loving someone and being in love are two very different thing. If I would’ve known I was wrong I never would have put anyone through that.
I wish I would’ve known this is how my story would end. That all those jokes that I made about myself being alone would be a reality that I will begin to find comfort in because I’m tired of hurting people because your always in the back of my mind and I couldn’t give the whole me.
I’m just happy I can talk to you and you don’t have me in a bubble. Not that you ever want to talk to me, probably for the best. I guess.
