life as a proud loner

U always wanted to know what the typical german slowpoke without friends, alcohol and parties does? No?

[standingonmyown]

Good morning world!

A quick update, 2021 edition! Now everyone involuntary became an slowpoke, only sitting at home and having no social life. At the moment I have Home Schooling.

Buut! My days of loneliness are numbered. After one year being miserable, some of my friends and me have finally found to each other again (can u say this like that?). Now I have three good friends! And I don't want more. I don't need more. Better to have few good friend than having many not-so-good friends, I believe.

We watch anime, talk and laugh. And after this time of loneliness my heart really goes out to people who have no friends or family and to those having trouble connecting with other people, because I feel u. But it's something that can be changed. (Often) by yourself only. But because of the current situation it's difficult meeting new people. I tried to renew old friendships. I've learned mich about myself and my flaws and tried to change to the better. To say when something hurts me. To say what I don't like, so say what I wish for in a friendship and to say when I need to be comforted (and I'm still learning) and to communicate better. Because if I don't say something, I can't expect other people to understand. I cut some friend out of my live, I left some people who weren't worth it and tried to reconnect woth old ones, I thought I could change the relationship to the better. And it worked :)

To all of you who struggle: it will be better someday! I wish u good luck!

But btw... I'm still a proud loner when I have me-time 😏

[amayako3]

Oh

My

God

[standingonmyown]

I'm 20

I'm 20 and I feel lonely. I can say without a doubt, that being young is not the best time of your life. Especially when u don't fit in.

When u r just different.

I feel so disconnected, I only have my work and go to school once a week. At work is no one I can feel connected to, at school, I find myself often times ignoring jokes about getting drunk, go to parties..

When u don't drink

When u don't like parties with many people and loud music

When u aren't straight

When u haven't found a partner yet

This r all thing that r expected from u. And that everyone else does.

It feels lonely. Being in your 20 can feel incredibly lonely.

[vampirejuice-deactivated2019112]

If your apology involves degrading yourself, calling yourself shit or insulting yourself, its not an apology, try again.

[grookeyleaf]

Can someone translate this?

[vampirejuice-deactivated2019112]

Don’t try to guilt people by saying “I’m sorry I fucking suck.” “I’m sorry I’m just the worst and I should die” Because thats not an apology, thats trying to guilt the other person into dropping the subject.

[standingonmyown]

I wish it would be so easy for everyone. Apologies is an art in itself, I believe. Too many times I didn't even heard the words "I'm sorry", instead they give reason why they didn't do this/or did that. People are bullshit.

[heterophobian]

me: i’m really stressed

someone: just relax!!!!!

me:

[4wallsfrnkremix-deactivated2016]

not to be corny but friends supporting friends is the most important thing in the whole entire world

[standingonmyown]

What a shame mine only take and give me nothing back

[standingonmyown]

Being an introvert in an extroverted world

It pains.

The feeling of not fitting in.

Of just. not. fitting. IN.

In society.

It pains. We need to change.

Change

Change

Change yourself, u need to work so hard for these things.

And u feel the pain.

Just to be like them. Just to fit in.

Just because everyone else is like them.

Just because all the others want to be what they are.

Can't I not be just the way I am?

Why can't I be just the way I am?

Too much. The pain of not being understood.

Change

Change

The feeling of changing too much.

Of them pressuring you to change FASTER.

It pains me, how am I going to explain?

Never.

Because that's what an introvert does.

So where does it end?

With them pressuring?

Or with me.

[standingonmyown]

Guess who rediscovered her artistic motivation and talent after five years of nononononooothing? Mé. Animals were always something I payed particular attention to, even in art. I remember a teacher in primary school saying I have a talent with drawing animals. What can I say? Animal lover through and through (durch und durch or through and through is a german saying.. can you say this in english like that too??)

[standingonmyown]

Heijo

Since a few weeks I didn't post on this blog. And because nobody wants to know and doesn't read this blog I.. (omg! My english sucks today xDD)

Sorry. Ehm. The reason I didn't post the last few weeks was because an old friend of mine actually cared about me and we met and you know. I only write in here because I feel exactly as lonely as the other 16-20 year old's on tumblr who don't have friends. But as it goes, I have a bad phase and feel not the best and I explained that to two of my 0815 friends aaaaand.. they have a bad phase too! What a coincidence! So not like I, who then sucks things up and take care of my friends in their bad phase like a good friend would do and neglect my own feelings, their priority lies with themselves and their problems. So I am all alone again. Of course I have my mama<3 thank god, I think I would already be depressed for all my life if I hadn't such a great support from my mama.

One thing I feel is, I feel not important anymore. My few friends all have a boyfriend and therefore, they don't need me anymore. They don't need anymore social interaction. So I am cancelled. On top of that is the death of my beloved budgie and the completely lack of emotional caring and support from literally every friend I thought highly of. And I spoke with my old friend about it and I think she was sorry about her not caring about that enough... Or not realizing. But that was so... So... It was such a hard time and I could cry when I only think about it and I miss my budgie very often despite him being gone for more than 2 months. And I can do nothing about it than feeling.. grumpy and bitter. And I think this feelings are blowing up again is because I feel once again alone.

These days, I feel like friends are good for nothing. I really wish it was different.

[amayako3]

Do u want to see my latest achievement? No? Here a high quality photo of my wrist. That hurts. Yey. Hard work is not really the kind of work my body can handle. Work generally spoken is nothing my body can handle. Can I not become a professional nothing-do-er? But without being looked at like the scum of society. Thank you very many 😚😂😏👍

[standingonmyown]

I had a dream as a child, that one day, I have a garden. (A shitty Martin Luther King reference, that I really shouldn’t do because the speech is too important for a stupid text about grass but oh well, it already happened oopsie) Not the typ of garden you grow stuff, no, where I can chill and do picnics and play badminton. Last year we moved flats and now we have space. Our lawn is growing. Atm nobody is allowed to step onto it.. it’s a bit of a shame with the weather like this but the grass is growing fast because of the weather and we will have a pretty lawn in no time. I really look forward to :) (In fact, I could really watch the grass grow [Dem Gras beim wachsen zusehen]... Is this a phrase in english too?)

You can see in the top left corner of the pic (omg, this sentence was used by every german student ever that needed to describe a picture in english) that there is a lack of green.. birds ate aaall the seeds there. Not so lovely of them.

You can also see my dog, who is really bummed out, that she isn’t allowed to go further.

[standingonmyown]

Forest lake

Forest lakes are my favorite. Quieter and more peaceful than a public swimming pool could ever be. I love being surrounded by nature.

I spend only one hour there. The trip was more a spontaneous idea because the weather was perfect. Felt a little bit like summer already.

[standingonmyown]

Spring is wonderful

When everything becomes greener and the breeze is warm and the days become longer. I’m so grateful I live on the countryside of germany.

After work, I needed to listen to my team leader bitch again, so I took a short break of modern life. I snapped a few photos of the beautiful landscape.

[standingonmyown]

Daisy & Pumpkin

Here a photo of my budgies subtly cuddle. They warmed up to each other! :)

And one badly snapped in flagranti paparazzi photo from afar.

Lovely isn’t it? I know. I’m really happy for them too.

Yesterday, I pushed the cage in the living room. Daisy didn’t dare to fly in the new room. She was so brave and flew immediately in my room so it suprised me a little bit. I also cleaned my room and washed the curtains. So now my room looks like it never saw a bird and it’s... leavings. Horaayh. But it also means, I slept without my budgies in the room and it... felt a little bit lonely. Crazy, isn’t it.

(I also may or may not have searched for 7 mins “In flagranti”, because I didn’t remember the word)

[standingonmyown]

Selling my manga update

The big package arrived yesterday! What a relieve.

Nobody wants to buy manga atm :/ Maybe people don’t have money anymore because they spent it all in the easter week? But we have the middle of the month, paycheck time?

[standingonmyown]

Daisy & Pumpkin

They didn’t really warm up to each other yet. Pumpkin doesn’t want to be touched by Daisy. He flies away, when she wants to directly interact. But they nap peacefully next to each other. One step at a time.

[standingonmyown]

Zodiac Signs

I think zodiac signs are really fun! Meeting someone that is so similiar to you and you think: how can that be? And then suprisingly you discover you are the same!

And when the despriction just fits. So cool. I wouldn’t say I believe in zodiac daily horoscopes, or love horoscopes but when it fits, it can be a funny coincident.

Topic love horoscopes and compatibility: my parents are two signs that are not compatible... Taurus and Gemini. Despite that we have our problems like every family, my parents are the only ones that didn’t divorce in my mothers and fathers circle of friends so... I call Bulls**t. Compatibility of Zodiac sign should not make you worry. Love is and will always be difficult. Some partners might seem to fit better to each other than other but it’s the effort you put in what really determines if you fit or not.

I for example am an aquarius und it really fits me apart from my really emotional character. Not really typical for an aquarius, but: my ascendant is a fire sign. VERY emotional. Cancer is not only my ascendant but also my mamas (very emotional) and my omas (VERy emotional) and my cildhood friends. And that makes me who I am.. at least it is fun to believe that is what makes me me.