I'm sweet with a sword

hey it's me/23/INTP/they/she ~ I laugh at my own jokes

[dogplexwoof]

ah! didnt see u there! u caught me indulging in one of my most fascinating interests as of late. its called a "dictionary". *turns page and softly chuckles* oh, this is clever...

[dogplexwoof]

BRO

[odinsblog]

Give 👏 Amal 👏 Clooney 👏 her 👏 roses 👏

[soon-palestine]

[t3rrarium]

[pleatedjeans]

via

[mysharona1987]

[fullafag]

[montymollusk]

please please please remember that no matter what your manager says, it is never that serious. unless you are literally performing surgery or defusing a bomb, it simply is not that serious

[sadgi]

can I get a job as an editor but the only thing I do is correct when someone uses the word "prone" when they mean "supine"

[sadgi]

thank you wikipedia for this really good image

[sadgi]

a helpful mnemonic for everyone

[totopopopo]

a good sumerian inexplicably donated five packs of 500 temporary tattoos to the classroom, each pack featuring identical pictures of a different invasive species of bug

[totopopopo]

i meant samaritan you jackasses i was typing with one hand bc i was putting on one of the temporary tattoos and it got autocorrected

[nieyao]

[mclennonyaoi]

when i was really little and had just learned how to write my full name . i noticed my twin brother had really messy handwriting. while mine was like … as nice as it could be for a little kid. so i wrote my name in his handwriting on a wall and i waited to see who our parents would get mad at . and they blamed him. and that was when my life of crime began

[mclennonyaoi]

all joking aside it’s really funny that like little kids do things like that sometimes . my mom would look at her phone everytime she was at a red light so i got into the habit of saying “green” once the light changed so she would know . one day i was like “i wonder if i say green while it’s red if she’ll go” and so i did . and she did . and i got yelled at real bad

[mclennonyaoi]

though looking back on it what the hell was she doing relying on like a five year old . who was a chronic shoplifter and liar . for that . i’m surprised we didn’t get into more accidents

[servingpussy]

My mom is Deaf so when I was like 5 I plugged all the drains in the bathroom with towels & toilet paper and turned the bathtub and sink on full blast before we went out to go shopping cause I knew she wouldn’t hear it and I flooded the entire house for no reason

[mclennonyaoi]

ok that is some nasty shit i can’t even believe the amount of damage that would’ve done 😭

[mclennonyaoi]

[m--ood-deactivated20181217]

Firefighter demonstrates how to put out a kitchen fire

[chronotriggerwarning-deactivate]

Reblog to actually save a life

[khaldurahm-kal-el]

To explain. The latter works because you’re cutting off the supply of oxygen to the fire and suffocating it

as opposed to slapping oxygen inside the pan with the downward motion

[norealdestination]

Reblogging, because this is so important. When I was learning how to cook for myself in my tweens, I had at least a five years of fire safety seminars from school drilling this into my head, and I STILL had that instinctive put-the-fire-out-with-water reflex. Didn’t even think. I saw our oily burner catch fire after frying eggs, whipped around towards the sink for water, and my brain immediately screamed NO!!! NO WATER! I mean that fire safety stuff straight up bitchslapped me out of REFLEXIVELY setting my house on fire. I found a pot lid and inched it over the burner before turning off the heat. Even if you think you know this stuff, panic is powerful shit. Make knowledge more powerful.

[postcards-from-absurdland]

“Even if you think you know this stuff, panic is powerful shit. Make knowledge more powerful.”

[frogmunist-deactivated20190724]

Oh boy!! It’s a fucking mystery?? A spooky scary mystery!! Better get fucking Sherlock Holmes on this one! It’s a big fucking mystery, with no obvious answer!

[hopesterling]

This is not a Sherlock Holmes mystery. This is a Scooby-Doo mystery, where the villain is an old white guy pulling a real estate / inheritance scam.

[daddythedragon]

[junglejim4322]

Why are there like 5 daily chores where if you skip them for 2 days your life becomes a time based psychological thriller after

[fluffygif]

This miniature horse in Colombia enjoys cuddling.

[jenniferrpovey]

For anyone asking is this cute, I’m going to say yes.

1. That is a very strong animal. If it wanted her to put it down, there is no way she would be holding it.

2. The position of the ears shows relaxation.

3. Nibbling at hair is how horses show affection. In a herd, they nibble at the base of each other’s manes (the very best way to pet a horse is to scratch the base of the mane about halfway down the neck). With a human they like they go for the hair as the closest equivalent.

So, yes, horse is enjoying cuddles.

Human is also very strong!

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO CUUUUUTE

CUDDLE THE SMOL HORSE BUDDY

[sadclowncentral]

the city where we live doesn't allow public barbecues so my brother fucking welded a grill to a handcart and now hosts "chill and grill sessions" where he sends all his friends his live location so they can hunt him down on their bikes with sausages in their backpacks while he carts it around evading the police like some sort of barbecue vigilante, grilling on the run. i have never been prouder of him

[sadclowncentral]

[chiisana-lion]

[ryebreadedd]

had to make the inverse situation of this. lets give it up for time blindness yayyy

[blubbed]

this is the best tweet i've ever seen bar none