spewed thoughts

[stargazerchick]

"words I feel are now words I see"

It takes courage to be vulnerable.

To muster up courage you must manifest strength. Therefore, showing vulnerability is not for the weak.

I'm in mourning.

I'm mourning the death of you.

Or so I thought.

Am I mourning your absence?

No, not that either.

To "mourne your absence", would mean your presence made an impact.

Despite all my effort to connect, it was all in vain. I ended up finding a deeper connection within myself instead.

In those seven years, I've learned more about myself than you ever attempted to. Everything you were lacking, I was flowing in abundance. Was it to make up for the hollowness you offered? Perhaps. This might explain the severe exhaustion I've been feeling, drained and depleted from all emotion, trying to keep us afloat.

I can proudly continue living knowing I gave my absolute all, without regret or question if I was enough. I did everything right, for the wrong one. This is not a weakness nor shame or mistake. I continue living and I shall continue learning. This is life. Not to be stagnant but to continue flowing, growing, and adapting. The sadness is rooted by the idea of what could have been. The endless possibility of growth and adventure, and not have to experience it alone. I am mourning the death of a life I had just tapped into. Despite all my efforts, you appeared as a mannequin, a shadow of potential. For the sake of admiration and respect I had for you, I conformed in order to hold on to that life and used all of your empty promises as fuel. Day by day my anger turns into gratitude. I'm thankful for the lessons. I am grateful for the wisdom that is flowing back to me. Sometimes, for some people, it takes not being appreciated or seen by the outside world, to recognize their self worth. My spirit, my love and my energy are far too expensive for just anyone to access now. I love myself now more then ever before. That is a win, not a loss. By voicing this, by sharing this, I am not hosting a pity party, I'm choosing to stay vulnerable. I'm choosing to keep my heart open so I don't deprive myself of future possibilities. Whether that be seeking new opportunities, or experiencing new adventures, my heart stays open to embrace life fully. I deserve nothing less. You can never truly appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. The taste is sweeter.

My hunger for life is too strong to be dragged or broken by the weakness or insecurities of others. I look to the moon now with a smile and ask her to spread the same clarity and peace onto others. I ask God to feed us the passion we need to seek fulfilment in each of our lives, whatever that may look like to others.

Blessed be.

Alhamdulillah

🌛🌝🌜

[stargazerchick]

I can't drown myself in smoke anymore. The pain is so raw. I Can't slip into sleep to escape. It follows me everywhere. And to be honest sometimes I prefer the agony of that shadow then to live my reality. Its less torturous at times. My reality is always on hold for someone else. I guess being placed on hold for so long causes one to create an escape even if its just as deadly. I don't know how to un pause it for me. I don't know how to take back my own control. It must start with not having to financially depend on someone. I have to not need them anymore for absolutely anything. I already don't need them for anything else.

[stargazerchick]

Why must my subconscious fail me every night I shut my eyes. Why does it love to dig and dig up old bones I've spent years trying to bury. Why does it force me to relive the fantasies of what could have been. My subconscious tortures me. So many times and so many years of self medicating just to have enough control. I spend every waking moment controlling my thoughts almost like dogs on leashes. One strong pull and I completely lose control of where those thoughts might go. Some days I'm strong as ever. Other days those leashes start to weather and tear. But at night? I become a victim. A victim of emotions I don't want to feel, faces i don't want to see. Not because I don't miss them but because the pain is unbearable. Like digging my fingernails into a half open wound every time. So every morning I open my eyes, with my first breath I inhale the freedom, the release from my subconscious and I exhale the last bit of pain that lingers from my dreams. Its a war zone. A back and forward attack against my own mind. I am my own weakness. So here I go spending another day digging and digging deep to rebury what my subconscious doesn't know how to let go.

It reminds me of the sun and the moon, constantly circling and chasing one another just so they can share the same sky. But doing so would be the destruction of the worlds they've each created. So I keep digging.

[stargazerchick]

Its slipping through my fingers and I can't catch up.

[stargazerchick]

You're worried and concerned for me?! I think you have enough on your plate. What actions have you taken to help solve or ease such concern over me? I have only witnessed Ignorance and selfishness. Enlighten me. Please stop with this fake front of sympathy. I see right through it, I hear right through it, I feel right through it,, through your hollowness which you call "concern". The hollowness echos of bitterness and I want no part. But in protecting myself and warning others i am portrayed as the selfish ignorant one, for refusing this so called "concern" that is clearly ill intended and not in my best interest but solely for the fake image you so strongly wish to project. Well not at my expense. #notsorry

-We can't choose for our siblings, we can only watch the rot unfold

[stargazerchick]

2011, I was single. I had a close group of friends and a horrible relationship with my parents. I was living day by day, filled with resentment. That year was the only year I ever remember not receiving flowers or roses on Valentine's day. It was understandable without having a partner or close ties with anyone. Before and after this year there was contantly always someone with something. From ex boyfriends leaving garden roses on my windshield to my dad giving me a plastic red one for years in a row. There was Always someone with something. I even remember being ten years old and my brother bringing me one red rose and it was the first time I experienced a romantic gesture. Felt so loved, cared for, and important. Its 2021 now. I'm 20 days shy of turning 31. I am newly married going on 4 months now. I've never been married before. I assume it is common sense that the first year is the most celebrated on every occasion or opportunity possible. Yet here I am so emotionally hurt, and neglected by the one person who should protect me from pain. No roses, no flowers. Not even one plastic rose from the 99cent store. I have a $4.99 walmart halmark card stating how lucky "HE" is. Okay. So here I leave a pic of an example of something I'd love or pick out for my wife on our first Valentine's day as Husband and Wife. So beautiful. ❤ the $40 spent on dying flowers or chocolate doesn't matter. Its the gesture and the memory that will live on for ever. So now I will forever have the memory of our first Valentine's day not for the sweet gestures but for the lack there of.

[stargazerchick]

Nobody ever talks about post-wedding depression. It is very real. With first hand experience I now understand the increase in divorce rate. I not only recognize the incompatibility with my partner but also the struggle to protect myself from becoming something ugly. The drastic change, changes you very slowly with each passing day, with each resentful action. When they say "the first year is the hardest" is it because the stress is really less by the end of it? Or is it because someone always becomes complacent. One person sacrifices it all for the other and becomes silent. Its the illusion of "easier" that gets you through the calm before the storm. Is there ever a moment of realization, that things aren't easier just quieter and more distant. Do we just become comfortable with being uncomfortable? I hope not. I've been doing that my entire life.

[drunk-on-writing]

i can’t afford to think of you with a rose colored memory it would be a disservice to my healing to only remember how happy you made me so if i’m going to remember you i can’t just remember your sweet smile or the ways you gave me butterflies i also need to remember how stubborn you were and how unkind you could be if i’m going to think of you i can’t just remember how you stole my heart i need to remember how you broke it too

(cc, 2020)

[stargazerchick]

I can hear it, smell it, feel it. In my bones, my gut wrenching, my soul twisting, my mind spinning. I know. I know this body and soul aren't making it passed 2020. I just know. Life, like a beautiful green flower field, with endless possibilities. Not all good. With Each stabbing sword, a new ailment, illness, burden, I continue to slip. A part of me is cut. Divided. Lost. Still feeling the blades of green grass through the pain, signs of hope? Lost hope purhaps. Once the sword is removed, the cut has been made, the pain, the hollowness of what once was, still burns. For fear of burning I stay pinned underneath the rest. And begin to accept my fate. Hope is for those who avoid reality and logic. I rather not be surprised or let down any further. I know what's coming. Now I wait my turn.

[stargazerchick]

Lonely

But not when you hold me

[stargazerchick]

"Don't give your all unless they give the same"

is toxic AF

You can't fully love someone without risking pain.

When two people have this same mentality....who loves first? Who loves most? Who loves honestly? No one because you're constantly measuring, comparing and competing.

Give it your everything so if and when it doesn't work, you know its not because of you, its because it wasn't the right match. This is the opportunity to learn about what you really need and want from yourself and from a partner. Be thankful for the lessons and GROW. MOVE forward. Youre not being dumped, you're heart isn't breaking. You are growing. Shed that skin. Make a different choice. Not better, but different. You'll never find what you need in someone else until you realize those needs can only be fullfilled by you. Only then will you love and be loved without fear.

[stargazerchick]

I think about this every single day...and at the end of each day I come to the conclusion that I'm the only one who can change the sadness...but still having the need of someone who truly cares about your well being and even though they know they can't do magic, they make the effort to try, every single day, that is a motivation like no other! it motivates me to put in the effort to attempt at living another day.

[stargazerchick]

When BOTH your mother and partner choose to attack you at the exact same time, with long written paragraphs decribing their hatred, frustration, and disappointment in you. Was it planned? What have I done that is so wrong? Why this punishment? From the only two humans that gave me the will to continue living, the two souls that made my heart beat, the two beings I'd give and have sacrificed my own life for! The one moment, the one day your body and soul are screaming to be alone and in silence. My attention is on me not on them. Is that the issue? Have I enabled them to drain me? Have I enabled them to rely on my undevided and constant devotion and attention? Do they both thrive on kicking me while I'm down? I honestly am too exhausted to even care. I've always given more then I've received in hopes that I'll someday find my match. But All I can say for now is, Fuck Off! This line is no longer in service.

[stargazerchick]

The more you stand still the more movement you'll feel pass you by

[stargazerchick]

When you can smell the self hatred and cat hair and can't decide whether to shower or sleep

[stargazerchick]

Is it possible to find someone who gazes with the same passion as you? Or are they just searching for what they cannot see?