emerging from a pearl

i loved you but you loved me better virgo, enneagram 4 with 5 wing

[stargir1z]

I wrote a novel about gay nuns and put it on Ao3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/82318446

[stargir1z]

It feels like once upon a time I was in Love and now I’m just flailing. Some of the flailing is admirable and magnificent and good for me. But I feel the hole’s suction powers. I Can’t Believe it was unreciprocated or at least the effort was. I’m shocked by it still. Never have I been so pliant. And so “happy”. No way we’re dying like this

[stargir1z]

Sunday June 7 (night of)

Walking on the road in outer Amsterdam today when i was finally alone l nearly barfed. I mean its just so ugly and inevitably the ugliness spurred me to S, as if bringing him back to (my spiritual) life would somehow make it all endurable and pure and good. The bad video game, needs a good costar or something, but more accurately I think it felt like an off-kilter, katabatic version of Boston come back to rend me infertile. One cold wind and I'm happy to stop all my drives. I found myself making deep internal cuts: is it really forever? can it really be? i thought we would write 6 books together? and etc. i mean I guess i mustve felt that way about A at some point. At some point, . But this is that times a thousand. It feels like the only imperfection is his desire. Or his inability to handle it. It's like a tiny man on a very large horse. I'm quite OK with my own large horse... although sometimes it kicks me or others. He seems scared of his horse, he could never sleep in the same room with it. Just like he couldn't with me. And yet, alone viscerally alone for the first time in weeks, I thought of his speech patterns and churned, churned. I mean... should we do the card thing? I don't want to irk him,god. I don't want to give him any sign that what I felt was fake or that I used him. I don't want to risk proving him right but for a few thousand dollars maybe it's worth it. I guess. Brb one shotting myself. I mean like that was Love right? It was that. I can feel it blubbing, bubbling up again through the seams. For fuck's sake. Could "psychoanalysis" tell me why? Show me one good poem, one good joke and I'm at the altar of a religion caked up swiftly by one man, one woman. It doesn't seem to matter that it's not what it's caked up to be. It's the trying, it's the redirection, it's the grifting, it's the charismatic, fluffy abuse of a language, the making of language from bird into fish. Submerged. It's the submersion, I know it is. The love of terror that is dreamt... but is it lived? Is it lived?

[stargir1z]

“What size are you?” “36… you too? That’s the Russian American shoe size”

[stargir1z]

Why does every man seem to have an ex who is more Russian than you

[stargir1z]

Chakras aligned with vape fluid, smoking area rain, ‘scran’ (yogurt and berries), little bit of Lacan, package delivery, being profusely on camera, and cosplaying the boy that fucked me up but on a student bar strage and tortured gorgeous chic

[stargir1z]

Brown eyes brown hair and this

[homelessrichgirl2]

whats dating you like

Idk but people usually want to date me for the same reasons they want to do ayahuasca

[stargir1z]

The sleeping too much still prevails ugh. Hope my chakras realign

[thingsfromthedirt]

Vogue (May, 1967)

[cityfawns]

not going to be anxious about spending because I will always receive the money I need 🪷

[jhonnbalance]

Jean Genet Masturbating in Metteray Prison. David Wojnarowicz, 1983. Stencil and ink.

Neil Baer Collection.

[iforgetwhyitry]

[stargir1z]

I think I need an era where I just watch cartoons and lectures and like cut fruit and fuck. And go on planes to places with a mission

[100493503004422]

embarrassing yourself sucks but it is Not the end of the world. I'm telling me this

[stargir1z]

William Carlos Williams

[stargir1z]

“Let’s take pictures we can’t post” let’s take pictures we shouldn’t post but do anyways