star ☆

I think I love you a lot, but you can't see that .. you will never see that, how much I love you .. call me your lil kitten .. and love me even more .. / side blog / adult : +20

[starless-sky21]

writing, vent and diary blog ..

+18 ..

no minors ..

..............................

puppy/cat creature, my heart is pure than the snow .. but I've chosen blood .. I've chosen what is not right ..

to bite and fight to survive ..

my own mind, my own life ..

the slow ticking of the hours ..

before I dissappear ..

..

would you love me .. anyway ?

[starless-sky21]

are you leaving me now ?

.

.

[starless-sky21]

I'm sorry for everything ..

you were nice to me but I'm the problem, I can't do it anymore ..

I'm not that good ..

I don't deserve your kindness ..

nothing will change,

I'm sick ..

rotten .. from the inside ..

already damaged and broken ..

I tried .. at least ..

sorry ..

[starless-sky21]

home ..

where is my home ?

.

can you take me there ?

.

I'm so tired of being here ..

I don't think I belong here ..

[pathologising]

[starless-sky21]

I'm being brave here .. writing stuff, tags and things like that ..

but does people even read these ?

I doubt it, but it makes you feel a little bit less crazy you know ..

like I'm talking to someone but I'm not ..

and how I want to talk to someone, then I end up wanting to be alone ..

[starless-sky21]

I wish for comfort,

quiet,

to be forgiven,

to be taken care of,

to be heard, to be seen and admired ..

and the most important thing is,

to be understood ..

.

.

I'm just so tired, am I allowed to ask for gentleness or kindness and softness, even if I can't give you a lot in return ?

I'm really anxious, I get overwhelmed when I speak, when I'm around humans and I feel I have to talk ..

I'm really overwhelmed and might not be able to handle a conversation or big emotions ..

but would that be okay with you ?

if I couldn't give you that ?

I'm just not good with social stuff ..

and mentally ill .. and, I hope you don't mind when I can't give you much in return ..

I wish but I can't ..

forgive me ..

sorry ..

[thegoodvybe]

[starless-sky21]

I'm always ready to leave ..

it hurts .. the feeling of not belonging anywhere, the way you're always ready to leave ..

the way you're always willing to shut down how you feel ..

I'm always ready to forget, to get over it ..

because I've learned how to live through the lonely times .. years ..

I know how to deal with the yearning, with my needs, with my desire, how to fulfil it so I never ask for something from any ..

I keep thinking, it's better this way, I talk to myself and I try to stop myself from saying a word or sending a message .. but I always end up texting anyway ..

the loneliness can kill you, but you should never ask anyone to hold your hand ..

you better not get used to that warmth, then you will start to feel the need for it, everytime you feel your heart is about to shatter ..

I only can rest because I have this medicine that can calm the anxiety and my thoughts so I can dream and let my body sleep .. rest ..

I feel a part of me is already fucked up, trust in the wrong places, my heart is closed now ..

I can't feel what you're trying to make me feel, it's an empty and dusty abandoned house ..

and you want to turn it to a garden, where you can hear the children laughs ..

but it's silent .. dead silent .. the one that screams ..

help ..

look at me ..

water me ..

take care of me ..

take care of me ..

[leafsea]

[starless-sky21]

tired .. it hurts,

sad and alone, but I don't want to speak,

decisions to make, to be near or dissappear, to let it in or push it away ..

is it another thing that has to end ?

circles of fate,

oh my illusions, my dreams ..

nothing really matters but your love to me ..

..

[stillgotscars]

Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Vita Sackville-West written c. March 1928

[starless-sky21]

can this dream lasts for a little longer ?

.

.

I don't want to wake up yet ..

[starless-sky21]

thank you for loving me,

thank you for your kind words,

to make me feel like a person that matters so much to someone,

I never thought I could be loved in a way that I needed, but it was easy to tell you my secrets, the way you kept comforting me through it all,

do I deserve all of this love ?

will you continue to love all the parts of me that I'm afraid to show you ?

will I be by your side forever ?

will you adopt a stray kitten who lost it's way ?

will you make a home for me ?

a space by your side, only for me ?

your special one ?

could I be loved in a way like that ?

do I deserve all of this ?

[starless-sky21]

everything hurts so badly, I feel my heart is about to shatter, scared and lonely, I feel so pathetic for wanting things, I hate everything that happened to me that made me this way, I feel damaged and broken and good for nothing, I feel so low I wonder if I matter to anyone I every talked to online ..

I needed someone to be there for me during these times, maybe god is punishing me for it and I can't rest I can't sleep it hurts so bad and I don't want to be here suffering so much ..

all of this is just suffering, since that time, I'm sorry I left you were so good and nice to me I miss you so much, no one is like you or will ever be ..

it's so painful, like I'm going to die, I'm reaching for everyone but these things always happen when people aren't around .. I don't want to get depressed again because I tried so hard and I'm afraid of going back to feel like the same way I did before ..

am I really this terrible ?

I just needed someone to be there during these times ..

I'm so pathetic and so alone and everything hurts so damn much ..

everyone I love they leave or turns out they didn't feel the same way I felt for them ..

what am I supposed to do ? just scared .. nervous, lonely and so terribly sad I'm panicking ..

why I most suffer ? what did I do to deserve all of this ? am I really this bad ?

just please give me something for once .. why you keep taking everything away from me ? what have I done to deserve this ?

[mournfulroses]

Nikos Kazantzakis, from a letter featured in The Selected Letters of Nikos Kazantzakis

[shisasan]

From February 9 to 10, 1913 Letters to Felice by Franz Kafka First published : 1973