A 3-part series following Levi and Isa, my OC who is a sweet, bubbly little ray of sunshine with a traumatic past. But she has a backbone and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Follow their story as the two traverse their friendship and relationship, all throughout the grim events brought about my angsty mind. Starts with Isa's training, moving through the No Regrets era, and later on canon.
To Make Amends: Explicit/NSFW/18+ Only
A 2-part Jean X Reader Fic
Back in high school, the two of you used to be friends...until a fateful argument senior year that tore through the friendship. When you return three years later, will Jean be able to prove his remorse in time for the End of Summer Festival?
One-Shots
Smut: Explicit/NSFW/18+ Only
Fluff/Comfort
Collabs
18+ Only:
Covenant: Blood is thicker than water. Sometimes your family is the family you choose instead of the one you’re born with.
Scarlet!! How are you?? 💗 I am just popping by to say I LOVE YOU and miss you! And also - I think of that mirror fic every day of my life. So thank you 🙏💜
Hi Anlian! 💜
It’s so nice to hear from you! I miss you too 😩 I’m sorry I’ve been pretty mia lately. Work got really busy with overtime and now I’ve started my first internship semester 🫠 thank you for checking in! Also, I’m glad to hear that 😌 that mirror fic is something else hehehe 🤭
Thank you for checking in 💜 and hopefully I’ll be around more now that overtime is finished for work and I can chill and hopefully write more. 🤞🏼
Do you have any tips for shading? The steps you follow... Shading is a headache for me, I would appreciate any advice>//<
The key with shading is alternating soft and hard shadows in order to create volumes, even when using the very same color.
Let’s have heichou (sorry for the crappy quality)
You first color some soft shadows, giving the effect of volume. I’d recommend not to lowen opacity but learn to press the stylus gently :) (if you use SAI, it’s easier)
Lastly you put some hard shadows under the nose, eyes, neck or wherever it’s needed depending on the light you’re using. You get this by pressing harder instead of picking a darker color.Rinse and repeat.
And so he looks like he has a bone structure and the volumes are defined :)Hope this helps!
massive fan of ur fic series, Of Sins and Devils. Found it by accident and now I jump to read the new chapters every time they are released.
One thing has been driving me crazy since reading it so long ago. I may have overlooked it while bingeing the series but in starved towards the end of chapter (a new memory part 2) there is a scene where Levi steps in and helps Isa against mean kids on swings in the underground as kids. Do they ever actually talk about this or will they ever talk about this?
Sorry if it’s a dumb question!
Hello anon!! 😊🥰 I’m so excited to hear that you’re enjoying my fic! 💜
As for your question, it’s not dumb at all!! 🤗 I’m of the motto “the only dumb question is the one never asked.” 🤗 To answer it, they have yet to discuss it within the fic. As for whether or not they will, this has definitely had me thinking more on that, and I think I’ve come up with a way for them to possibly talk about it (though I won’t fully confirm or deny 😉) with the wonderful help of @artistic-resonance 😎
Thank you so much for the ask!! I hope you continue to enjoy and that you have a lovely day/night! 😊💜
CW/Rating: 18+ for adult themes and a sexual assault attempt
A/N: This is my Furlan x Reader one-shot for the November collab hosted by @anlian-aishang. I am so so sorry at how late this is :( I blinked and it's five months later and we're in April. Even still, I had a ton of fun writing out a little fic for Furlan and giving his character a shot. We don't get to see a lot of him in the anime/manga, and I wish we had more time with him. He's a cool character, and it would have been interesting to see what he could have done in canon, how he would have interacted with the other characters.
In any case, I hope I did his character justice, as well as the theme. The theme was super fun and I enjoyed it a lot. As soon as I signed up for the collab, I knew how I wanted to start and end this, so it was a matter of getting it from start to finish hehe :)
Blood is thicker than water.
That was what you’d always been told, at least. Drilled into your head by your parents day in and day out. Only to have them betray you when they kicked you out of their home and onto the streets of the Underground.
Sixteen you’d been that fateful day. And off you’d went on your own adventure. Betrayed by the very same people who had taught you they would be the only ones you could count on.
The irony wasn’t lost on you.
What was a young woman to do to survive on the streets?
So sell yourself you did.
Something else they’d taught against.
But what were you supposed to do? What few jobs there were, the owners claimed you were hardly qualified for.
So you had no other choice.
And that was where you stayed for the next six years, working as a stripper. Though, in the Underground stripper held a whole different meaning. See, at the strip club you worked at, there were certain services clients could pay extra for. Not much extra mind you, seeing as everyone beneath the surface was poor and could hardly afford food. There were the wealthier, but they were only wealthy in comparison. They were still bottom of the food chain…and the worst of the worst in your opinion.
You grew adept at conning the men out of extra coin. Compliment them just so, and they’d throw more tips your way. Men were easy.
Women, on the other hand, were often vile and vicious. At least in your experience. It had been your mother who’d thrown you out. Your best friend who’d betrayed you. The other women in the brothel that employed you. They were vindictive, callous, and cold, trusting no one, man or woman.
Men were simple. They often were led astray by their cocks, thinking with their head between their legs versus their head on their shoulders. They could be swayed with the right tilt of your head, a flirtatious batting of the lashes, a coy curl of the lips. You’d learned all the tricks of the trade and could wind a man around your pinky within minutes.
Until one day, an experience with one befuddled you.
You were strolling through the market, picking through the beaten up produce and stale breads, trying to find food to last for the next few days. Nothing in the Underground was ever fresh, and nothing lasted for long.
As you shopped you flirted with different targets. And if your hand slipped into their pockets to steal their coins and slip them into your own dress pockets, they were none the wiser. Served them right for being so easily distracted.
Coming across one man in particular, you accidentally bumped into him, just like you had with others so many times before. Smiling and batting your lashes, you apologized sweetly while he held you upright as you stumbled. But when your hand moved to sneakily slip into his pocket—the way you’d done with others thousands of times—you were stunned when he grabbed at your wrist.
He lifted a brow in amusement, and something stirred within you at the twinkle in his eyes. They were gray, and suited him surprisingly, warmer than you would expect from someone who lived in this hellhole. Now that you were getting a good look at him, you noticed his blonde hair, and how shiny and clean it looked, as well as the smirk curling his lips.
Without another word, he began to drag you along, and, despite your struggles, you couldn’t free yourself. You grabbed for your pocket knife only to find it gone. Glancing up, you saw him smirking at you over his shoulder, your knife held in his free hand.
Fuck.
He’d snagged your only means of protection, and it wasn’t as if you could scream for help. No one would care, and the Military Police officers were never of any use.
Digging your heels in, you tried to yank your wrist from his iron-tight grip, to no avail. But he tired of pulling you this way, and opted to scoop you up over his shoulder. You were stunned at the display of strength from the taller, lankier man, and you could feel the muscles in his arms against your waist.
“Relax,” he told you. “M’not gonna hurt you.”
Relax? How could you relax when some strange man was carting you away to walls knew where? Goddamn was he all leg or something?
You refused to go down without a fight, and you bit down on his shoulder, taking the chance to race away when he dropped you. Down alleys you went, making quick and random turns. You could hear his footsteps behind you, but you didn’t relent.
Until you reached a dead-end, and realized he’d somehow cornered you. Predator had turned into prey.
Watching him warily, you shrank back against the wall, heart racing in your chest, limbs shaking and aching to flee. This man was of a different breed, and wouldn’t be swayed like the others.
And you realized the direness of the situation, of what was most likely about to happen. Despite the prick of tears in your eyes, you refused to cry, lifting your chin in defiance at him.
“I won’t make this easy for you,” you growled.
He rolled his eyes as he finally stood in front of you, arms crossed in front of his chest. “I told you, I’m not going to hurt you.”
That didn’t make any sense, and you watched him sharply, monitoring his every movement.
“Then what the fuck do you want?” You snapped.
“I was watching you, watching the way you stole those coins from all those men. Color me impressed,” he mused.
“Your point?”
That just made him chuckle. The hostility in your voice didn’t even make him flinch. Who the hell was this man? Did nothing faze him?
“I’m Furlan, Furlan Church.”
Well that answered that.
Before you could respond, he continued, “We have a group. A group of thieves like yourself. There’s an opening, and I’d like to bring you in as a potential candidate.”
A gang? He wanted you to join his gang? You weren’t sure what to make of that. They generally tended to be more on the violent side, but it sure would be a hell of a lot better than having to show off your body for money.
But it almost sounded too good to be true.
“And why do you think I’d be interested in that?”
He shrugged. “With your skill, you’d be beneficial to the group. Plus it can’t hurt to take the opportunity to make some decent cash. More than what you’d make just pick-pocketing other people.”
The clean clothes, the clean hair, hell, even his shoes were somewhat shiny, clueing you in that this man at least made a decent enough living to not have to live in ragged clothes. He was by far one of the cleanest men you’d ever seen in the Underground, so perhaps there was some truth to his words.
Besides, what could it hurt to just check it out? But you’d be on your guard, there was no doubt about that.
So give them a chance you decided to do, giving him a nod in agreement after a long moment. He took you to their base, which was a small, two story house. Up the stairs to the front door you went, following him inside. Straight down the hall you followed him, taking in the living room and kitchen area you passed by.
The house was clean, not a spot of dirt in sight. Impressive in a place as dirty as this shithole. That and the fact that the supplies needed to keep a place tidy could be rather expensive. Maybe this could be your break, a break to a somewhat better life than what you’d been living.
The back room he took you to was a small office, where a smaller man with dark hair sat at a desk counting money. On the couch lay a young girl with bright red hair, an arm tucked beneath her head as she tossed a ball into the air. You didn’t think you’d ever seen hair that vibrant in a place so despicable.
Your arrival drew their attention, and both gazes shot up to where you stood in front of Furlan. The girl’s eyes were friendly but cautious. The man on the other hand, that glare of his had your knees knocking together, and you took a shaky step back only to bump into a solid chest. A gentle hand plopped onto your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
You weren’t sure what it was, but something inside you was telling you to trust the man behind you. Your instincts had never led you astray before, so you chose to listen, letting yourself relax beneath his touch.
“Another stray, Furlan?”
His voice was deeper than you’d expected, silky and smooth despite the monotonous tone.
You listened as he explained to the man—Levi, Furlan called him—what he’d witnessed in the market area, and you noticed the calculating gleam in his eyes. Why did it feel as if he could see straight through you?
When Furlan finished, Levi rose to his feet and stalked over, and you couldn’t help but feel as if he were even more predatorial in the almost feline way he slinked across the floor. His footsteps didn’t even make a sound, and he moved with the grace of a cat and his eyes held the ferocity of the feral ones that frequented the alleys and saw on the streets.
This was not a man to cross or be on his bad side. You frankly weren’t even sure if he had a good side.
When he stood in front of you, you were a little stunned at his stature, at how he was shorter than you. He gave off such a powerfully strong and frightening aura, it seemed as if he were larger.
He gave you a once over that had your heart pounding in your chest before nodding. He said nothing, did nothing else before turning to go back to his desk. That was it? All of that and he simply nodded? A man of few words, you noted.
A squeal came from the girl you’d completely forgotten about, having been distracted by Levi. Despite the caution and wariness in her eyes, she seemed giddy at the possibility of a new addition to their little gang. Before you could even react, she babbled and chattered away, giving Levi all kinds of ideas of tests you could do to earn your place. It didn’t look like he was listening, but something told you he was.
~ - ~
Over the course of the next several weeks, Levi, Furlan, and the girl—Isabel, you’d learned—put you through the wringer. Endless tests assessing your skills. It was strange, going through the motions of taunting and teasing men to distract them and snag their spare coins while being watched, but you managed to go through the paces.
Levi wanted to see how you did in higher risk heists. He had a target in mind, and your role was to keep the owners occupied while he and Furlan picked them dry.
It was like stealing candy from a baby.
Not that you’d ever done that, obviously.
But while you were in a sort of probationary period, you still had to make money, which meant you had to continue on at your job. It also meant you were more exhausted during your shifts, but you managed to make it through them.
The thought of never having to come back here again was enough to keep you going.
And then one fateful night set the rest of your life into motion.
It had been slow, not many patrons, which was common on a weeknight. Weekends were busier, and where you were able to make the most.
Again, it wasn’t a lot. Enough to survive and keep going.
You were in one of the back rooms, giving a private dance to a man. It was a small area, much like the entire building, and consisted of a lounge chair where the man sat, and a small vanity. This room doubled as one of the special rooms, and men often liked to watch the whole ordeal in the mirror.
Your customer decided he wanted more, and he grabbed your hips as you swayed and moved above him, yanking you down onto his lap. You could feel his hard dick beneath you, and you fought against his grasp, revolted at the unwanted touch. He hadn’t paid for this, and you frankly weren’t in the mood.
“Not tonight, sugar,” you said, trying to keep your voice honeyed and even. You didn’t want to risk losing any tip he might be willing to throw your way.
“Come on you little bitch,” he growled, probably thinking he sounded seductive, but he just sounded like an ass, “give me a little treat for free.”
You struggled to break free, but found that his hold was too tight. When he flung you onto the floor, your head collided with the post of the vanity and you cried out in pain as it disoriented you. You begged and pleaded as you fought against him, but the world spun too much, and you were struggling to fight him off.
But he didn’t get far, when he was ripped off of you and thrown against the wall. Through your blurred vision you saw a familiar face topped with blonde hair, and it was livid. Furlan was usually so calm and collected. You’d never seen him like this and it was actually rather frightening. He was actually more menacing than Levi with his icy, glowering glare.
Smashing the man’s head into the wall, he effectively rendered him unconscious. Your heartbeat was erratic when he came over to you, and you were suddenly very aware of your state of undress. You scrambled for something, anything to cover yourself. You grabbed your robe from the chair and shrank back against the wall, cowering at the rage still lingering in his eyes.
Logically, you know it wasn’t directed towards you in any way, but it didn’t make it less terrifying.
But his hand was gentle as it brushed at the bump forming on your head, and it sent something warm flowing through your veins. Something foreign and unfamiliar. You weren’t sure what to make of it. It was something you’d been feeling more and more the longer you were around him.
“Come on,” he murmured, taking your hand in his and tugging you up. “Get dressed. Let’s get you home so you can get cleaned up. You don’t have to work here anymore.”
The thought of never having to work in this shithole again was relieving. Even if it meant stealing and risking your life every single day for the rest of your life, you’d take that over giving your body up to a bunch of greasy, grimy men.
“Why are you even here?” You asked as you tugged on your clothes, appreciating the way he’d turned his back to give you some privacy.
“When you told us where you worked, I started coming here to keep an eye out,” he answered with a shrug. “Good thing.”
The way he’d reverted back to his usual calm demeanor was mind-boggling. How did he do it? The lives they all led down here, how did he stay so composed?
He stayed close to your side as you followed him back to base, never letting you out of his sight. You kept chancing glances his way, and you couldn’t help but admire his profile. His features were so sharp and his hair so mussed and messy. It had you wondering what it would feel like to run your fingers through the strands, wondering if they were as soft as they looked.
From then on, the four of you were inseparable. As time went on, they earned your trust, and you theirs. You’d found a family in them, a home. For once, you’d found people you could count on. People who had your back. A rarity in the Underground. While you and the others in the gang spent your days stealing from the crooked people of the city, you knew you’d found the greatest treasure of all.
Blood is thicker than water.
You’d now found a new meaning to the phrase, perhaps the true one. The ties to family were not always bound by blood, but sometimes, were bound by choice. Those chosen to be family were often held nearer and dearer, whether they be by blood or by happenstance.
You’d found a new family in him, and through him, you’d been blessed with those who truly cared.
And you couldn’t be happier. Nothing could ever ruin that.
Hello Scarlet my dear! Just checking in on you since it’s been much too long since we talked (haha!) and here’s hoping that you have a lovely rest of your day/night! 😘😘❤️💞❤️💞❤️
Heya Star 👋🏼 😊
It’s so sweet of you to check in on me 🥺 this made my day 🥺 I’ve been okay, just been busy between work and school and my practicum and trying to take it a day at a time. My spring break has started, so I’m looking forward to some free time and I can finally read your two most recent chapters! 🙌🏼 I’ve been dying to read them but school is keeping me from them 😩 be prepared for comments hehehe 🤭 I hope all is well with you and that you have a lovely rest of your day/night! 😊💜 thank you again for checking in on me! 😊💜
Levi has dimples and almost nobody knows this because he doesn't smile frequently and he inherited them from his mother.
It makes him look so cute when he smiles.
Hiimdaisy P4 comic + SNK
The story is by him. I just drew the characters in the situation.
Its better if you read it along with this (the p4 comic dub)
—
I used “with nothing else” because i’ve never heard anybody say “plain tea"and…no, tea dosen’t work like that.
—
I wrote a story but I feel like my descriptions are the weakest part. Do you have any advice for someone struggling with show don’t tell?
Your Guide to Showing and Not Telling
1) Familiarize yourself with more vocabulary.
In order to show effectively, it’s wise to have an arsenal. If you find yourself repetitively using the same words, think about real life examples of what reminds you of that specific word. This can be something in nature, an item, object, person, anything.
“He was tall.”
Meh. Any synonyms for tall? What are some things that are considered tall in the real world? Trees, skyscrapers, stilts, lampposts, ladders... hmm.
“As we stood on the street, he loomed over me like a lamppost in the night.”
Now your description not only shows the reader that he is tall, but it also grounds the reader to a setting and adds a threatening, eerie mood.
2) When you read, highlight or take notes on where you observe the author showing instead of telling.
This will not only inspire you to write, but will fill your arsenal with interesting vocabulary to help with showing in your own story.
3) Why is showing so important? Can I never tell?
Showing is important because it paints a picture in the readers mind. A major purpose of fiction is to place the audience in a world where they can use their imagination. Telling too much can make your reader feel like an observer of the story, while showing puts them right in the heart of it.
However, telling has it's place in a novel and not every single thing needs to be shown. A good story has a mixture of showing and telling (probably more showing though of course), and as the author you decide when you do which. Major scenes should probably be rich in showing details, while minor quick descriptions could do just fine with some things being told.
4) Don't show and tell in the same sentence
This might be considered a stylistic thing, but it's definitely not necessary to show and tell at the same time. This can clutter your text. Your descriptions should be strong enough that you don’t need to tell the reader what they just read.
"Bad" (showing): "He was really tall."
Better (showing and telling): "He was really tall, always having to dip his head below the door frame."
Best (showing): "He dipped below the door frame and everyone in the room looked up at him."
I put "bad" in quotation marks because I don't like saying that telling is bad, because that's not always the case as mentioned above. Rules are just guidelines in writing, and once you fully understand why the rules exist in the first place, you can begin to bend them.
5) Sensory Details
If you find yourself always telling instead of showing, try to think of the five senses. What does your character hear, taste, see, feel or smell?
“Bad”: The manor was old and creepy.”
Better: “The manor was wrapped in yellowing wallpaper and wine stained rugs. Candice was careful not to step on one of the many splintered floorboards as she made her way upstairs. She paused for a moment, the wooden step loose beneath her foot and listened to the low hum of the furnace and the howling of the wind.”
Make sure not to overload the reader, though. We all know there is such a thing as too much details.
6) Give your characters props/items
When we get angry, we punch walls, break plates and throw things. (Okay, maybe not all of us). When we’re happy, we pick up our cats and twirl them around. My point is: if there is an object nearby your character, it could be used to help show their emotions/actions better.
“Kyle was shocked.”
“The phone slipped out of Kyle’s hand and his mouth fell open.”
She felt herself get yanked from sleep, something within her sensing she needed to wake up, now.
Her eyes fluttered open, and the first thing that registered were his pained grunts. When she glanced up at him, she could see his glistening skin, the way his eyes were clenched tight, brows knit as if in pain and she immediately knew what was happening.
Her hand came up to brush lightly across his cheek, doing her best to gently pull him from sleep as she leaned up to whisper in his ear. “Levi, Levi wake up, it’s just a dream.”
His eyes shot open, and her heart clenched at the pain and fear lingering in them.
He took in a shaky breath as his hand came up to stroke across her forehead, brushing through her hair, grazing down her cheek, before resting against the side of her face, as if checking to see if she was real. “Isa?”
Tears pricked in her eyes at the way his voice cracked around her name. She drew him close, letting his head rest against her shoulder.
“Shh, Levi, it’s okay I’m right here.”
He buried his face in her neck, drawing her tight against him, fighting to gain control of his shuddering breaths, heart still racing at what he’d seen.
Her fingers stroked gently through his hair, massaging lightly at his scalp, doing her best to comfort, to soothe. She could feel him shaking, trembling, knew whatever nightmare he’d had must have been horrible. Just as he had with her, she would do everything she could to wash away the terror that had come with the nightmare.
“Levi, talk to me. What happened?”
He took in another shaky breath, only sharing part of the nightmare, unsure of how to tell her everything his mind had forced him to watch. “I…I saw you…die.” His breath shuddered out on the word, hating the way it felt coming from his mouth when he was talking about her. Wrong. Completely wrong. Something he never wanted to happen.
Her heart broke for him at the pain in his voice, knowing exactly what that fear felt like, the fear of losing more people you cared about. She gently guided his head down so that his ear was pressed against her chest.
How did I not notice this earlier? That he was more shaken about what happened than he let on.
Was he just hiding it that well?
I hope I get better at reading him, that way it doesn’t get to this point. I know it’s hard for him to talk about these things. I need to be able to give him a push when it’s needed, the way he does with me.
She kept stroking lightly at his hair, gently scratching her nails against his scalp. “Do you hear that, Levi?” She whispered, wanting to soothe. “That’s my heart, I’m alive, we’re both alive, we’re both safe. I’m alive, thanks to you. You saved me, you protected me, just like you promised me. I’m alive, and I’m right here.”
He buried his face against her, arms wrapped tight around her, hand cradling her head, keeping her close, needing to feel that she was still with him, still alive, the sound of her breaths, her heart, echoing in his ear.
“I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was muffled against her, but this time, she heard the way his voice wavered.
She kissed the top of his head, brushing her fingers gently through his hair, struggling to keep her tears at bay, refusing to let this become about her own pain, and she could feel the tension slowly begin to leave him. “I know, Levi, believe me, I know exactly how you feel, because I don’t want to lose you, ever, in any way. But it’s like you always tell me, all that matters is right now. And right now, we’re both here, and we’re both alive.”
He lifted his head, and her breath hitched when she saw the glint of tears in his eyes, and the relief she saw in them. He gently cupped her face in his hands, thumbs brushing lightly across her cheeks, tracing the shadows the moonlight cast across her delicate features, and her heart flipped at the warmth in his eyes, at the relieved smile slowly filling his face.
He leaned in to capture her lips with his, and her heart shuddered at the slow, gentle way he kissed her. That hazy fog was filling her mind again, and all she could feel, hear, smell was him. She tasted something salty, and realized that some of the tears that had been in his eyes must have spilled over.
She drew him closer, pressing up against him, framing his face in her hands, letting her love for him pour into the kiss, meeting his unspoken demands, his unspoken needs. She could still feel him trembling lightly, and her hand moved to brush through his hair again, shivering when she felt him lightly sigh into her mouth.
He pulled back, and she wiped at the stray tears that lingered on his cheeks, the softness of his skin always drawing her in.
She swallowed thickly at the intensity in his eyes, and could practically see his need for her. The idea that he needed her, just as she needed him, had her own eyes welling further, her body warming with love and desire.
He leaned in to kiss her again as he gently removed his shirt from her, baring her to him, breaking away only so he could pull it over her head. Her head spun when he pressed his lips against hers again, at the tender way he was seducing her with nothing more than his lips on hers. She could feel his need, his desire, and something else, something gentler, sweeter, warmer, in the way he kissed her, in the delicate way he held her face. She thought it felt as if he was content to do nothing more than this for the rest of his life.
He gently guided her to her back as he brushed his lips across her face, down her neck, taking his time to explore, and she shivered, sighing sweetly when he crossed the sensitive spot on her neck. Slowly kissing his way down to her breast, circling his way towards the sensitive peak, his hand coming up to tease the other, brushing his thumb across her nipple, the contrasting sensations sending conflicting pulls to her center.
Her hands came up to brush through his hair, a soft, sighing moan escaping her at the gentle way he teased her breasts, giving each one the same care, the same attention, sending golden heat flowing under her skin. She could feel herself melting into him, into the sweetness he was giving her. Everything inside her felt golden, as if she were glowing inside, bringing a light flush to her body. The pressure inside her was gently building, slowly, fueled by the way he cherished her.
He pulled back, hovering over her, looking down at her and his heart clenched at the sight. There was no way for her to know how desirable he found her, how beautiful he saw her, splayed out underneath him, lips swollen from his kisses, eyes full of warmth, affection, trust as she looked up at him, body flushing with arousal from the simplest of touches. The moonlight cast gentle shadows over her, giving her a delicate look, one that made him want to protect no matter what, always. The affectionate smile on her face had an answering warmth moving through him, the one he finally understood, even if he couldn’t bring himself to even think the words yet.
So he’d show her.
His hands were tender as they teased her body, caressing across her silky skin, eliciting aroused sighs from her, turning to low, heated moans, that had his own blood rushing through his veins. His hand moved down to cup her, head spinning at how wet she already was. He easily slid two fingers inside her, his other hand clenching at the tightness, easily remembering exactly how she felt surrounding him. He set a steady pace, thumb coming up to gently circle her clit, eager to please, no desire to tease, simply wanting to learn everything about her, the way she did with him.
A choked moan escaped her at the building tension inside her, heated pulls flowing to her center. Her back arched when he took her nipple into his mouth, the fierce pull that came from the almost harsh way he sucked contrasting with the gentle way his fingers pumped inside her, hitting that spot each and every time.
So lost in the pleasure fueling the growing knot, breath panting out, she didn’t notice when he moved his head from her breast to between her legs, until she felt his mouth replace his thumb on her clit, pulling a surprised gasp from her when he flicked at it with his tongue, teasing it, toying with it, and she could feel the pressure threatening to burst. When he gave it a sharp suck, she snapped, a choked sound falling from her as her hands came to rest on his head, fingers threading tight into his hair.
The searing waves kept crashing over her as he kept licking, flicking, sucking at the sensitive bundle of nerves, his fingers still pulsing, rubbing against that spot each and every time. Breathy moans spilled from her as her hips rolled involuntarily against his face and fingers, seeking more of the delicious tension only he could bring her. She had no idea how long the waves lasted, until she finally slumped against the mattress when he gently brought her back down.
She was floating, completely lost in the glowing sensations moving through her, oblivious to anything else except him when he pulled away to pull his clothes off, not noticing the rain beginning to patter against the roof, against the window, not noticing the way the wind was gently howling outside. For her, for him, this was their world, and in it, nothing else existed.
“Look at me.”
His strained voice had her eyes fluttering open, hazy with bliss as she struggled to focus on him, but they went blind with pleasure, a throaty moan falling from her when she felt him slide into her, slowly filling her. Her legs wrapped around him as he began thrusting into her, needing him closer, and the slow pace he set had her feeling needy, frantic for the release she could already feel building inside her again.
Her hands came up behind her to hold onto the headboard, needing something to keep her grounded, his own holding her hips in place, and she relished in the feel of being at his mercy, her breath falling from her parted lips in high pitched pants, eyes never breaking from his. His own heated groans spilling from him echoing in her ears, fueling the desire curling deep within her.
Her release took her by surprise as she was shoved over the edge before she’d expected, the gentle waves washing over her, the intensity of it was more than she’d expected. His name fell from her lips on a drawn out, breathy moan, and the sweetness of it echoed in his ears, as he watched the way her back arched beneath him, her entire body trembling as she rode out the tension, eyes blurring as they held onto his, sending molten heat through him. Her walls clenching impossibly tight around him had him fighting back his own release as he pulled out of her, a strained groan escaping him.
The sudden emptiness had her eyes focusing on him, and she eagerly pushed him onto his back before he had the chance to do anything, wanting to give as much as he’d given.
She looked down at him, the affection and desire in his eyes sending an answering warmth through her as her hands came up to cup his face, stroking lightly at his cheeks. His own hands had come to rest on her waist, the heat of them searing into her, the way her eyes seared into him. She brushed her lips across his forehead, his cheeks, before taking his lips with her own, drawing out the kiss, following his lead and keeping it sweet and gentle, trying her hand at seducing him with nothing more than her lips.
Eager to please, she could tell he was desperate for release in the way his hands gripped tighter on her waist, so she slowly made her way down his body, hesitant hands lightly caressing across the ridges of muscles in his chest and stomach, thrills pulsing in her at the way the taut muscles quivered at the lightest brush of her hand. She grazed her lips and tongue across his chest, flicking her tongue across his nipples, confidence building in her with each sharp inhale, each strained groan that fell from him, spurring her to explore, to try.
She kissed her way down, taking him into her hand, stroking lightly, a shiver moving down her spine at the sound of his breaths beginning to pant out at the teasing touches.
Knowing this wasn’t the time to tease, sensing his need, her desire to please took over. She took him into her mouth, following his lead and setting a gentle pace, as she timed the movement of her head with the stroke of her hand, wanting him to feel the way she’d felt, the sweetness of the release that was as intense as ever.
She could tell he was close when she glanced up at him, his eyes clenched tight, breath panting out turning to grunts as she swirled her tongue around his tip. A final, sharp suck was all it took for him to give a final buck against her, his release filling her mouth as a strained groan fell from him. Getting easier each time, she made sure to swallow each and every drop, waiting until his body relaxed before pulling away, giving the tip a loving kiss.
She made her way up his body, brushing light kisses along his skin as he came back down, settling her arms across his chest.
Relief filled her when his eyes opened and she saw no pain, no fear, only affection and the lingering remnants of desire. No nerves for the moment, she leaned in to graze her lips across his, her hair curtaining around him, enveloping him in her scent.
She let her forehead rest against his, his arms wrapping around her, holding her close, fingers tracing light patterns across her back.
“Are you okay?” She asked gently, concern for him filling her.
His only response was to bring his hand up to cup her face, thumb brushing lightly at her cheek, his own face relaxed, and she could see the answer in his eyes. Pressing her lips against his cheek, she rolled to her side and let her head drop against his shoulder, snuggling as close to the heat of his body as she could. Her arm came up to rest beside her head, thumb stroking lightly across his shoulder. His content sigh filled her ears as he drew her close against him, and she could slowly feel him relax against her, his breaths growing deeper as he fell asleep.
Only when she was certain that he slept soundly did she let herself drift off, the hushed sound of his heart echoing in her ears, reminding her as well that they were both still alive.
~ - ~
She was gently pulled from sleep, the warmth of the sun’s rays filtering through her eyelids, the rain long having stopped sometime through the night. Her eyes fluttered open, focusing as she blinked the sleep out of them, and she saw that she was alone, knowing Levi must have already woken, most likely out in his office.
She stretched against the mattress, a humming sigh falling from her as she took in his lingering smell that brought an enamored smile to her face. Rising, she pulled his shirt back on, body warming at the reminder of how gentle he’d been the night before.
We haven’t had the chance to do this as much as we’d like, but last night was different, something about him was different.
She made her way into his bathroom, washing off her face and brushing her teeth, pulling her pants back on, the routine of it filled her with joy, loving the feel of having a routine with him.
After finishing, she made her way to his office, leaning up against the doorframe as she took him sitting at his desk, admiring the way he looked, heart fluttering when his amused gaze came up to meet hers, as it always did when he caught her staring.
She wasn’t sure what it was that spurred her to move, padding her way over to where he sat, sitting on his lap, legs draped across him as she settled onto him with ease as if she’d done just that for years. His eyes widened slightly at her bold move, though he didn’t hesitate to bring his hands up to rest at her waist.
Her arms wrapped around his neck, taking in a breath for courage, and, without letting herself overthink, she brushed her lips across his, greeting him in the morning this way for the first time, and the taste of tea and mint filled her senses. She pulled back, smiling shyly at him, flushing when she caught the amusement in his eyes as he looked up at her.
“Hi,” she whispered timidly, unsure of why she still reacted this way.
“Hi.”
The amused sound of the word had her flushing further.
Unsure of what to do next, not having thought this far ahead she resorted to brushing her hand lightly at the bangs flopping over his forehead, always intrigued at the silky smoothness of his hair.
She nibbled at her lip, still concerned over his nightmare. “Are you okay?”
He took her hand in has, bringing it to his mouth so he could press a kiss to her palm, before linking his fingers with hers letting their hands rest against his chest. He smiled softly up at her.
“I am.”
His eyes held her locked in place, and the intensity of it almost made her forget her question, heart fluttering at the way they pierced into her, feeling as if he could see all the way down to her soul.
He broke the silence first. “You said you’re going to see that kid that you met?”
Her eyes lit up as she nodded, eager to see the blond-haired little boy. “Do you want to come with me? I’m sure him and his friends would love to meet you.”
“It’s okay, I have paperwork I need to do, and this place needs to be cleaned.”
She nibbled at her lip, unsure if she should leave him alone after what had happened. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine,” he reassured, “don’t worry about me.”
“Only if you’re sure.”
He simply gave her a small nod, and when she was certain that he would be fine, she kissed his cheek before moving of him, turning to give him a final wave before she walked out of the door, the memory of his affectionate smile imprinted in her mind as she scurried to her room, a slight skip in her step.
She made quick work of washing up and changing into some civilian clothes, a soft, worn in shirt she tucked into a simple, knee length skirt, pairing it with a black pair of shoes. She didn’t want to deal with harsh words from citizens by wearing her uniform, not wanting to ruin the day. She headed over to the infirmary, ignoring the curious looks some of the other Scouts sent her way, hoping it simply had to do with her argument with Levi, and not because they knew about her relationship with him.
She didn’t care if people knew, she just didn’t want to deal with people misinterpreting what she had with Levi, having had experience with others, namely, Mark, Anna, and Derek, thinking she was the type of woman to use…sex…to get what she wanted. The thought had her mood darkening, and she quickly shoved it to the side as she entered the infirmary, putting all her focus on her best friend.
Relief flooded her when she saw Hange sitting up in bed, eating a small bowl of porridge. She settled herself into the chair beside Hange’s bed, waiting for her friend to finish before speaking. She was grateful that no one else was in the infirmary, not wanting an audience for the argument that would happen so long as Hange was no longer in pain.
When the bowl was empty, Hange set on the table beside her, and Isa caught the almost nervous look she sent her way.
Isa looked at her friend, a brow raised in disapproval. “Do you feel better now?”
Hange swallowed thickly, not sure what to expect, never having angered Isa before. “I…I want to say no,” she said with a tense laugh, “but yes, I feel better.”
“Good.” She took a deep breath and the words fell out of her. “Dammit, Hange, what the hell were you thinking!”
Hange winced at the words, at the disappointment in her friend’s voice. “I know.”
Her eyes narrowed at her friend, arms crossing in front of her. “Do you! Do you have any idea what you put me through! Do you know what I felt when Moblit came to me telling me he couldn’t find you!"
“I—”
“I was terrified, Hange.” Her voice wavered slightly at the reminder of Moblit’s panicked voice telling her Hange was missing. “And my fear made me do something ridiculously insane. I left, on my own, to find you.”
Hange sat up straight, hand coming up to rest against her head when the world slightly spun at the act, her own eyes narrowing at her friend. “What! Isa what the hell is wrong with you?”
Isa’s brows shot up to her forehead. “With me?” Her tone incredulous. “What the hell is wrong with you!”
“Isa, you know better!”
She jabbed her finger in the direction of her friend as she spoke. “So do you! You can’t tell me not to go run off on my own when you did the exact same damn thing!”
She was unsure where this side of her was coming from. This side of her that felt no fear that she would lose her friends by angering them. This side of her that felt confident in sharing when she was upset with something her friends had done, when something pissed her off.
“Then neither can you!” Despite knowing she was fighting a losing battle, knowing she was the one in the wrong, she couldn’t help but utter the words.
“Hange.”
She watched as Hange swallowed at her no-nonsense tone, one she’d never directed towards her.
She laid back on the bed, a weary hand passing over her face. “You’re right, Isa, I…I shouldn’t have done that.”
She sighed, her own anger dissipating as fast as it had risen. She climbed into the bed next to Hange, curling up beside her best friend, the way they’d both done countless times back in training. Late nights where the two of them would stay awake while everyone else was asleep, talking about their dreams, their hopes. It had taken Isa a while to feel comfortable, confident enough in sharing her dreams, even the smaller ones, but Hange had always been able to fill the silence with her own.
Her hand came up to hesitantly brush away the stray hairs that had fallen into Hange’s face. “Talk to me, Hange, why did you go?”
Guilt and shame filled her eyes, knowing how insanely dangerous it had been to go off that way, without even telling anyone, not a single person, that she was leaving. She sighed in defeat. “I was just so frustrated with Erwin refusing to listen, refusing to even consider, and I wasn’t thinking.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you talk to me?”
Hange’s arms crossed tight in front of her, not wanting to admit why. “I…I don’t know.”
“Do you…do you feel abandoned?” She was afraid of the answer, but she needed to know.
“Of course not!”
She caught the way Hange’s eyes shifted away as she spoke, the way her voice slightly wavered, and she felt her heart shatter, her body filling with guilt, her worst fear confirmed. She’d failed her best friend, her sister.
Her eyes welled at the realization of what she’d done. “You…you do.”
Hange blew out a breath, unsure how to phrase what it was she felt. “I…yes, a little? Not abandoned, I just miss you.”
An understanding smile filled Hange’s face as her hand brushed through Isa’s hair, wanting her friend to understand that she held no resentment towards her. “I’m thrilled for you, I’ve never seen you so happy, and it makes me happy to know that you took a step, a risk I know you were afraid to take, and that it worked out in the best possible way, in the way I knew it would.”
Her smile faded, turning to a frown, eyes glinting with the faintest hint of tears. “But I miss you. We don’t hang out like we used to, and I barely see you outside of training, outside of meetings.”
Her need to comfort overrode her struggle with affection as she wrapped her arms around Hange’s neck, hating that she’d abandoned her best friend, someone who had always been there for her. “Hange, I’m…I’m so sorry. I got so caught up in my relationship with Levi, I never stopped to think about you. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
I…I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to juggle two different types of relationships. When me and Levi were just friends, it was easier, since we didn’t spend so much time with each other. But ever since we became a couple, we’re together more often during the day, at night.
I’ve been a shit friend…I can’t believe I did this. I never realized.
Hange’s arms came around Isa, drawing her close, enjoying the feel of holding her best friend, unable to remember the last time she’d hugged her. It was rare for Isa to be the one to show affection first, though she’d come a long way since the two had met. It had never bothered Hange. She understood that Isa simply wasn’t used to giving affection, to receiving affection, that Isa struggled with knowing when someone wanted to be her friend.
She’d felt it the first time she’d hugged Isa, that day those assholes came to try to take her away, to take her back to her own personal hell. The way Isa had hesitated slightly in bringing her arms around her, the almost awkward way she’d hugged Hange back, clearly not used to affection, and it had pissed Hange off.
Isa hadn’t said much at first about what those people had done to her, but Hange had had a hunch that the bastards had been cruel to her, which she thought explained Isa’s hesitancy. When Isa had finally told Hange the things those people had done to her, she could have committed murder. She’d wanted to grab her horse and ride to Mitras, marching right up to their door and wring their necks for hurting someone so sweet, so innocent, so beautiful.
It spoke a lot about a person’s character to hurt a child, someone helpless, defenseless, and she could tell that Isa had trust issues, though she’d come so far. She’d always felt close to Isa, and she wasn’t sure what it had been, but something had spurred her that first day of training to seek out Isa, to try to be her friend.
It was one of the best decisions she’d ever made.
She stroked gently at Isa’s hair, knowing how much her friend enjoyed the feel, having done just this so many times in the past anytime her sister needed to be comforted. “It’s okay, Isa, I promise, I understand. And I really am thrilled for you. I can imagine it’s hard, even more for you, learning how to be in a relationship with him, so many firsts.”
Hange knew that Levi would be Isa’s first in every sense of the word. The only thing he wouldn’t be, was her first kiss. Everything else, he was her first. Her first love, her first relationship, her first lover whenever the two took that step. She only hoped he wouldn’t be her first heartbreak, though, she knew the man was in love with her, besotted with her, enamored with her, and she knew he would never do anything on purpose to hurt her. She had a sense that if their relationship ever ended, it would be from Isa, and never from him, though, she could tell that her friend was just as in love with him, as he was with her, and she had a sense that would never happen.
She’d always believed that some things were meant to be, that some people were simply meant to be together, always caught up in the romance of it, and she truly believed that Isa and Levi were meant for each other.
Levi brought out a confident side of Isa that Hange had only seen the briefest of hints of that one day back in training. This confident version of Isa that was showing herself had pride filling her, and while she knew she’d played a part in bringing that out, it hadn’t been until Levi came into her friend’s life that she’d truly blossomed.
Isa brought out a playful, kind, caring side of Levi that Hange had suspected existed within him, but had needed Isa’s soft, shy, affectionate nature to draw it out. She’d only seen hints of it, and she imagined that when it was just the two of them, he was a completely different person. She was curious to see that side of him, but she knew it made it more special for her two friends that only Isa got to see that side of him.
She twirled her finger around Isa’s hair, smiling at the way her friend snuggled closer, knowing how much she liked to cuddle with the people she cared about, once she got over her initial hesitancy. “I didn’t say anything, because I wanted you to spend time with him, to take the time you needed to adjust.”
A content sigh fell from Isa as she relaxed at the feel of Hange playing with her hair. “I wish you had said something, Hange. You’re my best friend too. You mean so much to me, more than I know how to say.”
She hadn’t realized how much she missed simply talking to her friend, but now, she could feel an emptiness inside her being filled. The same way there were certain things that she could only do with Levi, there were certain things that she could only do with Hange. As time had passed, they’d both become so busy that it had been harder and harder to spend time together, though they’d both at least made the effort. Now she’d failed her best friend.
Hange’s voice was reassuring as she spoke, wanting Isa to understand she knew how much Isa cared for her, never having needed Isa to say it. “It’s okay, Isa. I know, and maybe I should have said something, I just...I didn’t want to get in the way, didn’t want to make you feel like you had to choose.”
She honestly wondered how Levi had missed it, hadn’t noticed how much Isa cared about him, when Isa was practically an open book when it came to someone she cared for, the way her eyes would fill with affection, the way she’d work to comfort them despite her own hesitancy with affection, the way she’d joke and laugh, always wanting to make someone smile, laugh. She’d been tempted to meddle, on countless occasions, and tell him that Isa wanted him, but she’d known her friend would not have appreciated that, so she’d held herself back. Barely.
In that moment, Isa was filled with a determination to never let this happen again, to never abandon Hange, or any of her friends, never wanting any of them to think she’d forgotten about them.
She pulled her head back so she could meet Hange’s eyes, needing her to see the seriousness in them. “I promise you, Hange. I’m going to do better. I’m going to start making time for you again. You’re my best friend, my sister.”
She watched the way Hange’s eyes lit up, and it spurred her decision, encouraging her resolve to do better. “I’m going to go meet Armin today, but next week, our next free day, I’m yours. We’ll do whatever you want. We can even invite Nanaba and Nifa, but only if you want to. The day is yours to decide what we do.”
Hange’s face brightened, the widest grin Isa had ever seen filling her face. “I’d love that. And maybe it can be just you and me during the day, but we can have a sleepover, the four of us, that night, like we used to do with Lucy and Sherri.”
“That sounds perfect to me, Hange.”
Isa let herself settle back against Hange who had rolled onto her back, enjoying the feel of being beside her best friend, something she hadn’t done in so long. She missed the way the two of them had always had time for each other back in training, back when they’d first joined. She remembered all the sleepovers the four of them used to have, though, they were hardly sleepovers, since they’d all lived together in the barracks. The four of them had gathered in Hange’s bed, staying up late, talking about their dreams, their hopes, Lucy, Sherri, and Hange giggling over their crushes, teasing Isa over the way she’d flush at even the mention of boys.
Look at me now.
Hange’s voice drew Isa from her thoughts. “How are the two of you? Is everything okay now?”
She nodded against Hange’s shoulder. “It’s fine, we argued last night, and I get why he was upset, and he had every right to be. I don’t regret what I did, not completely, but I also feel like I should have waited for him. He’s always been right there beside of me, never given me a reason to think he wouldn’t be. He’s…he’s the reason I’m even still alive.”
“What do you mean?”
She explained to Hange what had happened after she’d found her, how the titans had come out of nowhere, how she’d sent Luna off with Hange, how her gear had malfunctioned, how Levi had saved her.
Hange’s mouth dropped in horror at what had happened, a fierce shiver hitting her at the knowledge of how close she’d been to losing her best friend, eyes filling with tears. She rolled back onto her side so that she could face her best friend. “Isa what were you thinking?”
Her own eyes welled at the sight, understanding Hange’s concern, it was the same concern, the same fear she’d felt when Moblit had told her that Hange was missing. “I’ve lost so many people, Hange, all I could think about was the possibility of losing you too.”
Hange’s voice was thick as she spoke, having trouble speaking through the tears shining in her eyes. “If something had happened to you, because of me, I would never forgive myself.”
“Then think about that next time you think it’s a good idea to wander off alone.”
Hange sniffled, knowing it would be difficult, but she would do the best to resist the urge to ever do something like this again. “I know. But, what about your gear? Why did it malfunction?”
Her confidence wavered, her eyes darting away from Hange as she tried to speak past the lump that had appeared in her throat. “I honestly don’t know. Erwin is sending it to the Garrison to have it checked, but I’m worried.”
Hange took Isa’s face in her hands, bringing her friend’s gaze back to hers as she filled with determination and the need to protect. Despite her concern, despite her fear, her voice was steady, refusing to ever let anything happen to Isa, not if she could help it, not as long as she was alive. “It’s going to be okay, I promise, between me and Levi, we’ll keep you safe.”
A small smile filled Isa’s face, knowing the two of them would do just that.
Not wanting to leave, but she didn’t want to keep Armin waiting, she gave Hange a final hug. “I have to get going, but next weekend, I promise, I’m yours. We’ll do whatever you want.”
“I look forward to it.”
She left the infirmary, racing to the stables, giggling at the almost excited look in Luna’s bright eyes when she realized she would be going for a ride. She gave the mare a carrot she’d grabbed from her locker before saddling up Luna, making her way to Trost, needing to grab supplies before she met Armin at the fields.
As she walked through Trost, she couldn’t stop the way she got lost in the sights, the hustle and bustle around her. It was early, and the district was just waking up, early birds meandering along as they moved from shop to shop.
She saw older couples, hand in hand, ambling along the pebbled path for no reason other than to enjoy each other’s company. Before, seeing couples together would have filled her with sorrow, with melancholy as she wistfully looked upon something she would never had. But now, now she had someone, something she truly believed she’d never have.
The memory of him, his soft touches, his gentleness had her rubbing shyly at her arm as she strolled through Trost, a content smile filling her face, lip caught between her teeth.
She was greedy, and she wanted more, wanted it all. She wanted to try all the things she’d read about in her books, even if she felt ridiculous for using them as a reference of what she could do, of what they could do. It helped, more than she’d expected, that he was always patient with her, somehow giving her just the right amount of push, somehow knowing exactly when she needed one.
Something about the bright warmth of the sun’s rays shining down on her coupled with the memories of everything they’d done was filling her with confidence, and she was excited for when returned home, to be back with him.
She stopped at the butcher, buying some fresh meat, and even though the amount took a good chunk out of her funds, it was worth it. She wanted to be sure those three children had a decent meal at least once in a while, knowing that the meager rations they received weren’t enough to keep growing children healthy.
She’d done her best to help them when she could, but she was one person, and could only do so much. She was grateful that her own meals were provided to her, allowing her to splurge more on Armin and his friends when she could. She hoped that the blankets and pillows she’d given them had helped, knowing how chilly the nights could sometimes get.
The last thing she wanted, was for one of them to get sick because they couldn’t keep warm.
Her next stop was the bakery, and she bought as much fresh bread as she could afford. With meat, they wouldn’t have a way to keep it cool, to keep it from going bad, but at least the bread could last a while.
She wished she could do more to help them, she wished she could give them a home, comfort, stability, but she was limited in what she could do, and hoped that what she did was enough.
At the dairy, she bought some fresh cheese, what was left of it that is. She noticed that it was getting more and more difficult to get meat and dairy without the land within Wall Maria. She feared that one day these goods would no longer exist for those outside of Wall Sina. Knowing exactly how valuable the items were, she kept them tucked away tight in her satchel. Crime had been on the rise within the districts of Wall Rose, tension, stress, and fear in citizens were bringing out their worst sides.
She made her way back to the stables where she’d left Luna, the slightest skip in her step, and she took in everyone around her. She caught sight of young women flirting with young men, and she wished she knew how to do that, to flirt and seduce. Sure, there were the times where that more sultry side of her appeared, but that was always while they were in the middle of doing…things, and that side of her never appeared out of the blue, randomly, allowing her to confidently initiate and seduce him.
He didn’t seem to mind, seemed to enjoy the almost awkward way she had initiated before, practically dragging him to his bedroom. And she was relieved that he would be able to initiate more, but she wanted to do the same, because she wanted to, not because she had to. Seducing him was different than telling him where she wanted him to touch her, what she wanted him to do. She wanted to be able to do that, but she didn’t know how.
Sighing, she hooked her satchel onto Luna’s saddle, climbing on and settling in, making her way to the fields near Trost where Armin and his friends were working. The ride to the fields was short, and as she approached, she could see the blond-haired little boy standing outside the lodging area, just as they’d planned. She couldn’t help but laugh at the way he raced to her before she’d even arrived, practically tackling her in a hug when she hopped off Luna.
“Isa, you’re here!”
Her breath huffed out of her at the force of his hug. Laughing, she wrapped her arms around him, drawing him close. “I am, I missed you, Armin.”
“I missed you too. I…I was afraid something would happen to you outside the walls before I got the chance to see you again.”
Guilt filled her at how close it had been to exactly that happening. Unsure of what to say, she just held him tighter, stroking at the silky hair on his head.
And that’s when she noticed something.
“Armin, did you get taller?”
He pulled back, looking down at her, realizing that he was now the slightest bit taller than her. “I guess I did.”
She gave a mock pout, though the humor in her eyes gave it away. “Armin, you are not allowed to get any taller, I forbid it.”
He giggled. “Isa, I can’t exactly control it.”
She gave a feigned sigh of exasperation. “I guess you’re right.”
He tugged on her arm impatiently, and she couldn’t help but smile affectionately at the type of energy only found in a child. “Come on, let’s go. Eren and Mikasa are waiting in this spot in the forest we found."
“Here, hop on Luna and we can ride there, just tell me where to go.”
She followed Armin’s directions to a clearing within the forest, listening to his animated chatter of all the stories of his time working in the fields, and something dark was kindling inside her, hating that such young children had to do such difficult work. She was relieved that Armin didn’t seem disgruntled, if anything, he seemed to enjoy contributing. That didn’t change the fact that she wished he and his friends didn’t have to do this to survive.
The two hopped off Luna when they’d arrived at the clearing, and she got her first look at Armin’s two friends up close as he made the introductions. Eren looked as if he were about to burst as he bounced in his shoes, green eyes bright with childlike innocence and excitement. Mikasa eyed Isa warily, and she could have sworn she caught the slightest warning light in the young girl’s gray eyes, as if she currently saw Isa as a threat.
Don’t you worry, I’m not going to hurt any of you, but I understand your wariness. You remind me so much of Levi—or at least, the Levi I met at the beginning—and it’s intriguing.
She pulled out the blanket from her satchel settling it onto the ground, sitting on top of it, bringing out the food as she did. She took in the eager looks from the trio, surprised to see that even Mikasa’s eyes had brightened at the sight. Perhaps in another moment she would have found the famished expressions on their faces—the three of them near drooling—amusing, but in the moment, she could feel worry settling inside her.
She waved them down, encouraging them to sit with her. “Come on guys, dig in, there’s plenty. Eat as much as you like.”
The three sat down and almost simultaneously began grabbing everything in sight, eagerly building giant sandwiches and devouring them. The near ravenous, voracious manner in which the three ate had her concern growing even more.
Her brows knit together, that wrinkle forming between them as she frowned, turning to look at Armin sitting beside of her. “What do they feed you?”
Armin mumbled something behind a mouthful of food, and the unintelligible, garbled nonsense had her laughing despite her worry, though she was reminded of those people ridiculing her as a child for doing the same thing when she’d first been brought to Mitras.
‘Proper young ladies never speak with food in their mouths, Isa. You would do well to learn this.’
‘Chew with your mouth closed, you look like a cow with that half-masticated food we can see. For heaven’s sake, close your mouth.’
‘If you can’t chew with your mouth closed, then that means you’re eating too much at once. A proper lady takes small bites.’
‘No man is going to want a woman who can’t eat like a lady. You need to learn manners, Isa.’
She shoved the thoughts out of her mind, refusing to let them damper her spirits, slowly learning how wrong they’d been, and she took in Armin’s sheepish expression as he paused to swallow his food before trying again.
He wiped his face off with the sleeve of his shirt before speaking. “Sorry, what I was trying to say, is that we do get three meals a day, but it’s not much, usually just some type of bean stew and a piece of bread.”
Her shoulders slumped at his words. She’d known they most likely weren’t getting decent nourishment, but it was much worse than she’d expected. “I’m sorry, Armin. I wish I could do more to help, I really do.”
He waved his hands in front of his face, shaking his head in disagreement, refusing to let her feel guilty for even a second. “Isa, it’s okay, don’t worry about us. You’ve done more than enough.”
The corner of her mouth quirked up in amusement at how animated he was in the way he spoke, moved. “The good news is, is once you join the Military, you’ll have a little more food at your meals. They do a better job in keeping you well fed, considering they want to build strong soldiers. You won’t get meat or anything, but it’ll be better.”
She glanced over at Eren sitting across from Armin, and he seemed as if he was struggling to hold back his questions, his body practically vibrating with energy, Armin’s words coming back to her.
‘Just…fair warning…when you meet Eren, he’s probably going to ask you many, many questions about what it’s like outside the walls.’
She set her sandwich down, dusting the crumbs off her hands before turning completely so she could face Eren. “Okay Eren, what questions do you have for me?”
His eyes widened as he worked to swallow the bite of his sandwich he’d taken. “What’s it like out there? How far have you guys gone? Have you had to kill any titans?”
Amusement filled her at the way his questions fired out of him, reminding her of Hange and the way she would get caught up in the questions swirling around in her head, needing answers to all of them almost simultaneously.
Her face softened as she thought back to her first memory of outside the walls, that first taste of pure freedom. “My favorite part is riding out of the gate, everything smells cleaner, the sun is brighter, the sky bluer, it’s amazing how different it feels.”
She frowned at the thought of his next question, sometimes wondering if what they were doing as Scouts was even making a difference. “As for how far we’ve gone, never managed to get very far before the wall was breached, and now we’ve been focusing on setting up supply bases, most likely in the hopes that we can eventually find a way to retake Wall Maria.”
She met Eren’s wide eyes, completely focused on her, and she could tell he was eager for answers, eager to know more, to see more, to finally know what’s outside the walls.
She moved on to his final question, a gust of wind rustling through the trees surrounding them as she spoke. “I’ve managed to kill many titans, both alone, and with a partner.”
His eyes narrowed at the thought of the titans, an almost wild, animalistic, predatorial look in them, voice dropping to an almost maniacal growl. “I’m going to kill all the titans, make them pay, eradicate them.”
She had to struggle not to gape at him, the determination in his eyes was paired with a hatred that no child should ever have to feel. It reminded her of the hate she’d felt when she’d read that note Uma left her, the one where she’d divulged that she had sent Ethel out to her death.
Shaking the memory from her mind, her gaze turned serious as she spoke, brows slightly furrowed. “I understand what you mean, Eren, but I’m not going to lie to you, it’s intense out there. As much as I enjoy the way everything looks, everyone is on edge, waiting for titans to show up. It’s always the last thing we want.”
She watched as he drank in every word she said, his eyes beginning to clear as she spoke. “A lot of people don’t make it, and a lot of people have close calls. And even after we’re back inside the walls, a lot of us struggle with sleeping, a lot of us have nightmares. I’m not going to tell you not to join, but I need you to understand what you’re getting yourself into.”
He shook his head as if to erase the remnants of darkness that had been building within him, eyes brightening once again, moving on to another question. “Have you had any close calls?”
She fidgeted as the memory of two nights ago came back to her. “I have, and the most recent time was my own fault if I’m being honest.”
“What happened?”
Sighing, she explained to them the events of her most recent expedition, how she’d risked her life going off on her own outside the walls in an attempt to rescue her best friend.
She took in their expressions, each one so different. Armin’s brows were knit, concern and maybe the slightest hint of what she thought was fear filling his innocent eyes, his mouth having formed a thin line. Eren almost had an awe-like expression at the thought of Isa bravely facing down seven titans alone—eyes wide and brighter than ever, mouth having slightly dropped open at her story—and to be saved by none other than the Captain Levi. Mikasa still had that wary look in her eyes, arms crossed tight in front of her, as she brought her scarf up to cover her nose. Isa had the feeling that it was as if the younger girl thought Eren would get some bad ideas from Isa.
She tilted her head back to look up at the dark green of the leaves contrasting against the blue backdrop of the sky. “It was honestly pretty stupid of me, not the best idea I’ve had, and I’m lucky to be alive. But in that moment, all I could think about was finding Hange.”
Eren hesitated before asking his next question, eager to know more about the man he’d heard others speak about, the whispered rumors, the whispered theories. “What’s he like? Captain Levi?”
Aha, I’ve found one of your admirers, Levi.
Her head dipped down as she toyed with a piece of bread in front of her, face and eyes softening, heart thrumming at the mere mention of Levi. “I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but he’s definitely amazing to watch in action, and he’s a remarkable leader. All of his squad members respect him, look up to him.”
She glanced back up to see Eren watching her curiously, a flush creeping up her neck, wondering if he’d deduced anything based on her reaction.
Clearing her throat, needing to change the subject, she said the first thing that came to mind. “Come on guys, let’s play tag.”
Armin’s face lit up at the suggestion, but Eren looked as if he needed some convincing, his brows having knit, his face taking on that look a child gets when they feel they’re too mature for something they see as childish, even if it’s something they secretly enjoy.
“Isn’t tag for little kids? We’re kind of old for that don’t you think?”
“You’re never too old to play, Eren. I play tag all the time with Luna.” She jumped up to her feet, bouncing on her toes, eager to show him exactly why anyone could play tag. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Trust me.”
He still seemed unconvinced so Isa did the only other thing she could think of.
Call to the competitive side only found in children.
Her lips curled into a sly smile as she looked down at him, eyes full of challenge, arms crossing across her chest as she cocked a hip out. “What’s the matter? Afraid you’re too slow? Bet you can’t catch me?”
She watched his eyes light up with a fire that had her own widening, and she barely dodged him when he leapt up, determined to win.
With a burst of speed, she took off, Eren and Armin close behind, all three eager to win.
The sound of their childlike, innocent laughter had her own giggles spilling. The thought that she could give them even a moment of freedom, to enjoy being children, filled her with a different joy she’d never felt before.
Her own childhood had been ripped away from her, and she was determined to do her best to give them the chance to be simply that. Children. They deserved to feel as if they didn’t have a care in the world, to enjoy the simple things in life. It wasn’t fair for them to have to worry about things that should be left to the adults, where their next meal was coming from, how they would pay for it, where they would live.
Children should be free to do whatever they want—so long as they aren’t hurting anyone—to play, to laugh, to smile, to enjoy life. There would be plenty of time for worry and fear as adults, so as children, they deserved to live an easy life, slowly learning how to handle the more difficult things as they grow older, more mature.
She called out to Mikasa, encouraging her to join in, but if anything, Isa thought the younger girl looked content in simply watching, her face softening slightly as she took in her two friends. The protective light in her eyes had dimmed as she grew more and more comfortable, slowly accepting that nothing was going to happen to her two friends, as if realizing that Isa wasn’t a threat. She noticed the way Mikasa watched Eren, and had a sense that the girl had a little crush on him.
She wondered how she was able to tell, how she was able to read others when she wasn’t the one emotionally involved. It had taken her ages to finally be able to better read Levi, and even still, she sometimes struggled with reading him. She wondered if he had trouble reading her.
She was slightly ashamed to say that she secretly hoped that he did—somewhat—not wanting it to be only her that had difficulties with this, not wanting to be the only one learning.
She did her best to dodge and evade against Armin and Eren, using the trees to her advantage, but the two boys were faster, easily catching her, teaming up against her to corner her. Whenever it was her turn to chase, determination filled her, refusing to back down, refusing to lose. Each time she came close to tagging Armin, a squealing laugh would fall from him that had her heart swelling with affection for the little boy.
After being tagged once again, she relented as she collapsed on her back onto the blanket, chest heaving, face flushed with exertion, skin glistening. With her eyes closed, she could hear the birds up in the trees, singing their glorious songs, filling the air with the sound. She could feel the way her skin slowly cooled, breaths calming, heart settling in her chest. Footsteps approaching drew her attention and her eyes fluttered open to see Eren and Armin staring down at her, smug looks on their faces, her mouth feigning a pout.
Before she said anything, Armin spoke up, voice wavering slightly as the smugness in his face faded, eyes growing concerned. “Isa, can…can I talk to you for a second?”
“Of course, Armin.” She forced herself back onto her feet, dusting herself off, before following him further into the forest, away from Eren and Mikasa.
When he stopped, she sat down, resting her back against a tree, patting the ground beside her. She waited for him to sit before wrapping her arm around his shoulders, drawing him close against her. “What’s on your mind, sweetheart?"
He took a deep breath before letting the question fall from him before he could second guess, before he could overthink. “Is he…is he good to you? He’s not, mean or anything is he?”
She immediately knew who he was referring to, and she realized he was basing his questions on the rumors he most likely heard about Levi. The ones where people said he was cruel, cold, callous, not caring in the slightest in what happened to others. The rumors that people spread that he didn’t even care when his subordinates died.
All complete lies spread by people who didn’t know him, not the way she did.
She ruffled his hair gently. “Don’t you worry, Armin. Levi is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Don’t you listen to anything you hear about him. Yes, he’s reserved, and so he comes off as cold and callous to people who don’t know him. But he is the kindest man I’ve ever met, I promise you.”
He let his head rest on her shoulder, unable to remember the last time someone held him this way, aside from Isa. “Good, because if…if he ever hurts you, he’ll have to answer to me.” His voice grew defiant at the thought of someone ever hurting her, and even if it wavered slightly at the mere thought of taking on Humanity’s Strongest, he’d gladly do it if the man ever did anything to hurt her.
Her heart warmed at his words, despite the hints of fear she could hear in his tone, in the way it shook slightly, but she had no doubt in her mind whatsoever that he’d do exactly that.
She stroked her hand gently through his hair. “I appreciate that, Armin, but you won’t ever have to do that, I promise you, Levi would never do anything to hurt me.”
A content sigh fell from him at the sister-like affection, wondering if this was what it was like to have an older sister. “Good, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
She smiled, leaning her head against the top of his. “I’m glad to know I have someone else on my side who wants to make sure I’m safe. I…I spent a long time feeling alone, and now I have people like you, Hange, Levi, all on my side and I don’t feel lonely anymore.”
“I’m glad you don’t feel lonely, no one deserves that. I…I sometimes feel lonely, but I remind myself that I have Eren, Mikasa, and you.”
She hugged him tighter. “You definitely have me, Armin. And I’m going to make the same promise to you. If someone ever hurts you, they’re going to have to answer to me.”
He chewed at his lip, one other thing on his mind that he wanted to clear up before she had to leave. “Can you promise me something?”
“Sure, sweetheart, what is it?”
He took another deep breath, forcing the words out of his mouth. “Promise me you won’t run off on your own outside the walls again. I know you wanted to save your friend, but it’s not safe to do that, and…and I want you to stay safe.”
She frowned, disappointed in herself at another person she’d risked hurting with what she’d done, resolving herself further to never go off on her own again.
“Don’t you worry, Armin. I won’t ever do anything like that again.”
She felt the tension leave him as he relaxed further against her. For a child so young, it always amazed her at how mature he was. She wasn’t sure what exactly was normal for a child his age, but she had a sense that Eren was closer to being a normal child compared to Armin and Mikasa, though, none of them had had a normal childhood.
Not wanting to leave Eren and Mikasa alone for long, the two rose to their feet, making their way back and settling on the blanket. She let herself lie back, smiling to herself when the three of them did the same, surprised that Mikasa was lying back, though she had a hunch that she’d only done so because Eren had.
The same way she had done with Levi back when he’d taken her to that meadow, she encouraged the trio to look for the shapes in the clouds, to see what their imaginations showed them. The guesses Eren and Armin made drew laughs from her, ranging from the simple like a bird, to the extreme like a dog chasing a rabbit or someone cooking.
Her impression of Armin’s two friends was high, the three of them caring deeply for each other. She was somewhat reminded of Levi and his friends, in the way they looked out for each other, took care of each other, cared for each other. The three had a bond that was strong, and she wondered if there was anything that could break it, the thread of friendship holding tight between them.
Even though Mikasa stayed quiet, Isa could tell the girl was enjoying herself, as if the laughs that came from her two friends were all she needed to feel joy. When she glanced over at the young girl lying beside her, she was surprised to see how relaxed she looked, completely at ease, and she couldn’t help but be reminded of Levi once again.
She’s so reserved, and that scarf of hers. She clutches it so often, keeping it wrapped right around her.
I wonder why it’s so special to her.
In that second, her arm happened to brush against Mikasa’s at the same time the thought crossed her mind, and a flash of light exploded behind her eyes as she cried out in pain, cutting off Eren and Armin’s animated chatter.
~ - ~
She’s in a small house, in the middle of nowhere, inside the kitchen, and she sees the little girl sitting at the table with a woman she assumes to be the little girl’s mother, working on an embroidery pattern.
She can feel the love and affection pouring from the woman, and the amusement that filled her when the little girl asked how children were made.
There’s a gentle innocence coming from the little girl, the kind only felt by a child, and she’s once again reminded of him, and she has a dreading sense that this memory is not going to be a happy one.
The man standing at the counter slicing a potato, the one she assumes to be the little girl’s father, fills with nerves when the little girl’s question is directed to him, unsure of what to say, unsure if the little girl is old enough to know such things.
A knock on the door draws the father’s attention, and all hell breaks loose.
When the father opens the door, whoever is standing there shoves a knife into his stomach, killing him, his body slumping to the floor, the life slowly fading from his eyes.
She can feel the mother’s horror, fear, terror when she realizes what happens, and it pours from her in waves as she grabs a pair of scissors, attacking the man holding the axe at the door, eyes wide as she screams at the little girl to run, begging for her to get away.
She collapses to her knees at the sight of the man bringing the axe down to the mother’s neck, killing her, and she can feel the innocence from the little girl flee as she’s left alone with these monsters, knowing exactly what it’s like to have the memory of your parent’s deaths imprinted in your mind forever, knowing exactly what it’s like to be left alone with the worst kind of people, defenseless, helpless.
The memory yanks her to another house, and the little girl is lying on the floor, unmoving, a living corpse, an emptiness flowing through her, blocking out the pain, the grief, the agony, a numbness she herself is all too familiar with.
A little boy wearing a red scarf opens the door, asking the men for help, though she can sense that the boy is lying, can sense the need to protect coming from him.
She watches as the little boy drives a knife into the man’s stomach, much like what had happened to the little girl’s father, hatred for the scum pouring from him in waves that threaten to shove her completely flat onto the ground, stunned at the idea that a child can feel something so intense, so negative.
He slams the door shut, and when the next man opens it, the little boy drives a knife he’s tied onto a broom handle into the man’s stomach, killing him as he jabs the knife into him over and over again.
There’s so much anger, hatred, disgust coming from such a small body, and it’s almost too much for her to handle, to process.
But the little boy has miscalculated, unaware of the third man who comes out, grabbing the little boy, strangling him.
He struggles to talk as the air is restricted from him, telling the little girl to fight, that the only way to win is to fight.
The little girl picks up the knife, trembling in fear, hands unsteady, but then, it happens.
She stumbles back when she feels something explode inside the little girl, something powerful surging through her, something she’d only ever sensed once before, but this is the first time the little girl is feeling this, and it’s stronger, out of control, uncontained than what she’d sensed in him. She watches as the little girl’s body is guided by this power, her hands crushing the knife’s handle, the floor beneath her crumbling at her feet with the force she uses to take off towards the man, driving the knife into his back.
It’s too much for her to handle, bringing back the painful reminder of her own parents’ deaths, their slit necks, the blood pulling onto the floor, and she’s pulled from the memory.
~ - ~
The searing, splitting pain in her head was back, and she didn’t even register the screams, the pained sobs coming from her, didn’t hear Armin’s worried voice calling out to her as he gently rubbed her back, unsure of what to do, never having seen this happen before. She had rolled over onto her side curling up tight, knees drawn against her chest, hands clenched tight in her hair, nails digging in, threatening to spill blood as the painful memory played over and over in her head mixing with her own and she was having trouble keeping the two separate.
It was too much, and she could feel the world beginning to fade to black, only one sobbing thought filling her mind before she lost consciousness.
Warnings: sex shop AU, sex toys, mentions of virginity, dirty thoughts, very light corruption kink (if you can even call it that)
Sex shop worker! Levi who catches your eye the second you step inside the store. He can’t help but stare a little too long at you, noting your blatant innocence by the way you seem to shy away from everything on the shelves around you. Definitely your first time coming into one of these shops…
Sex shop worker! Levi who looks incredibly handsome in that black shirt of his, the sleeves tight to reveal the outline of his muscles, teasing his collarbone every time he twists his head. His eyes are sharp, pinning you to your spot and making your blood run cold. His voice is deep, he almost sounds bored when he asks you if you need any help finding something. It’s hard not to notice the slight quirk of his lips when you stammer out an answer, shaking your head and quickly turning away.
Sex shop worker! Levi who watches you intently as you make your way through the little store, eyes nervously darting between the different kinds of toys on display. You couldn’t be anymore obvious if you tried; he can tell just by the way you wring your hands together that you’re a virgin. Or at the very least, your knowledge and experience of sex is incredibly limited.
Kinktober Day 29: Interrogation, Bondage, Vibrators
“Coming in for the kinktober request! If it’s still available lol. Levi is strapped to a chair by a Marley reader and interrogated, but it’s not just any chair. Levi is sat with a vibrating dildo inside of him and has another little vibe egg strapped on his tip. And reader has the remote. Every time Levi doesn’t answer the level goes up. Soon he’s purposely stubborn and reader has long forgotten her goal. No information is gained, only a lover. LMAO I know it’s weird, hope you’re doing well!”
A/N: Special shout-out to proofreader and cheerleader: @ackermans-freedom-inc. I really enjoyed writing this, I hope you enjoy reading it 🧡
Word count: 3700
Tags: levi x reader, smut, canonverse, bondage, vibrators, power play, stockholm syndrome, dom!reader
while writing this, i listened to this and this
It was not his first bout with torture.
In fact, it was ironic - how his very induction into the Scout Regiment came via that same method. Grabbed by his hair, pushed to his knees, his cheek became close acquaintances with the pavement and its puddles. And that was just the start.
Breaking bones, throwing slaps, and strapping others to chairs. Levi had interrogated others more times than he could count, had undergone it himself a handful of memorable occasions. It had been part of his underground upbringing, of his enlistment, his entire life. And if not for that, then karma was bound to catch up to him. Levi scoffed to himself, he should have seen this coming.
It was not his first bout with torture, but Paradis did not have devices like these.
It was fine when I checked it earlier today, before we left.
Did I miss something?
She didn’t have time to think for long, the smaller titan was already reaching down to grab her, the rest closing in fast.
Without thinking, acting on instinct, years of training and experience driving her, she dodged the hand as it came down to grab her, bolting in between its legs. Before the titan had time to react, she’d sliced her blades through its heel, racing to slice the next. The act was harder without the speed she would normally get with ODM, but adrenaline was giving her the added strength she needed.
Almost instantly, the titan toppled over, the ground shaking as it landed, throwing her off balance. Forcing her feet to steady, knowing she didn’t have long before the titan regenerated, before the other titans caught up to her, she ran across the titan’s back up to its nape, struggling to stay on her feet as it moved, desperately trying to reach its prey.
Before she even had the chance to tear her blades through the titan’s nape, she felt a giant hand wrap around her body, and her heart raced, stomach knotting, the bile rising in her throat.
No, please, no, I’m not ready to die.
She struggled against the titan’s fierce grasp as it drew her up in the air. Eyes wide and full of fear as she stared into its blank face, its teeth glinting in the moonlight had her skin crawling.
Its hand was wrapped tight around her arms, and she couldn’t maneuver her blades out of it. She watched helplessly as the titan’s mouth grew near, the smell of death and decay surrounding her, and she had to fight back the urge to vomit.
She didn’t even feel the tears streaming down her face as her impending doom grew nearer, didn’t hear her own panicked grunts as she struggled against the titan’s grasp, her imminent death terrifying her, blocking out everything.
I’m not ready, there’s so much I want to do.
I’m finally with Levi, I’m not ready to leave him yet.
I’m not ready to leave Hange, or any of my friends.
Dammit, I should have waited for him.
I’m sorry, Levi.
A voice broke through the fog of terror surrounding her, one she always recognized, and it sent a wave of hope through her, hope that she may survive this.
“Hang on, Isa!”
~ - ~
He could see her in the distance, alone, and could see the group of titans gaining on her. The number had him worried, too many for a single person to take on.
Where the hell is Luna?
Please don’t tell me she sent away her horse with Hange. Dammit, Isa, you know better than that.
Why the hell isn’t she fighting?
Fuck.
No.
Please don’t tell me her gear is malfunctioning.
That hardly ever happens.
I know she checked it, like she always does, and she’s thorough.
Why is it malfunctioning?
He watched in horror as she darted between the first titan’s legs, slicing at its heels. He could feel the ground shake when the titan landed.
He was so close. His breath caught in his throat when one of the larger titans caught up to her, grabbing her before she could slice the nape of the titan on the ground.
He could see her struggling against that titan’s grasp, too tight for her to use her blades.
For fuck’s sake.
If you had just waited for me, dammit.
Another titan was reaching out to grab her legs, clearly ready to fight for a piece. The next titan was already right behind the one holding her, three more further back.
His teeth clenched, eyes narrowing in barely contained fury at the bastards trying to take her from him.
Not as long as I’m around.
I.
Am.
Not.
Losing.
Her.
He felt that same surge move through him, the one he’d never understood, fiercer than he’d ever felt, readying his body for action.
He barked out his orders to his squad who had been waiting for his command. “Gunther, Amelia, you take the three in the back! Eld, be ready to catch her when she falls!” His determined gaze took in the four surrounding her. “I’ve got the other four bastards!”
Another round of ‘yes sirs’ filled the air, and his body took over as it always did.
He rose to his feet on Spartan, the memory of Isa showing him how to do this filling his mind, remembering how amazed he’d felt at how natural she’d looked standing on Luna’s back, as if she’d been made to ride horses. Something else he’d never told her.
He drew his blades, flipping one into that backwards grip that always felt more natural no matter what he was holding, a knife, these blades, anything. He prepared himself to move as he drew closer, placing his trust into his squad.
He remembered hating the way he’d felt impressed by her at the beginning when he’d see the way she moved in training, refusing to trust her, despite something inside him telling him she was trustworthy. All that time he’d wasted fighting his attraction to her, fighting everything he’d felt around her. He’d been too damned stubborn. That first time he’d locked eyes with her in the mess hall had sent a jolt through him, and it had been the most jarring thing he’d ever felt, putting him on edge, not trusting it.
What happened then doesn’t matter, not now. What matters, is that I have her, she has me, and I’m not going to lose her.
Trusting Gunther and Amelia to take care of the other three, he latched a grappling hook onto the arm holding her as it slowly brought her struggling form closer and closer to its mouth, the blank expression on its face pissing him off even more. He was so close he could see the terror in her face, the tears streaming from her eyes. He called out to her, letting her know he was right there, years of experience and that surging energy guiding him as he sliced through the titan’s arm at the wrist removing her from its grasp, placing all his trust in Eld to catch her.
You bastards are trying to take the one good thing I have in my life.
Without stopping, he spun up the arm of the second, taller titan, the one that had been reaching for her legs from behind the first, latching onto the titan’s back when he’d passed its shoulder to yank him back as he spun down towards its nape, using the momentum to slice through it.
He kicked off the falling titan to push himself in the direction of the shorter one that had been holding her, its blank face having turned to face him, already reaching for him, its disgusting grin setting his teeth on edge, but it was too slow, no match for Levi. His hooks latched onto its back before it could turn around, reeling him down as he spun, slicing through the nape, effectively killing the second titan.
The one person who means more to me than anything.
Saving the titan still on the ground for last, its heels steaming as it struggled to get back on its feet, he stood on the falling titan’s back and turned to face the third titan creeping up from behind. He took in the bastard, mouth twisting into a scowl, eyes a cold, metallic gray, full of icy fury, having lost their warmth the minute he’d seen the titans approaching her.
That’s not going to happen.
He latched his hook up to the titan’s head, landing directly on top of it, sneering down at the bastard as it looked around in what could have passed for confusion, not having realized its prey was currently resting on its head, eagerly turning into its predator.
Not as long as I’m alive fuckers.
Disdainful amusement filled him as he watched the titan’s arms come up, clearly hoping to grab him, needing to fulfill the instinctual, incessant urge to consume any and all humans that crossed its path.
Not a chance in hell. Not while I have to keep her safe.
He jumped down, using a burst of speed to slice through the titan’s nape, latching his hook onto its back, swinging down between its legs to slice through the nape of the titan in the ground just as it was starting to rise.
Almost simultaneously, all four titan bodies slammed onto the ground with a resounding thud echoing through the air, the impact sending vibrations across the land.
To the observer, he had downed the titans in a matter of seconds, Gunther and Amelia still working on the third and final titan. To him, an eternity had passed, desperately needing to check on her, needing to see she was safe. He wouldn’t hold her yet, knowing he wouldn’t let her go if he did. He’d have to wait until they were back inside the walls, wait until he’d gotten his anger under control.
He would never hurt her, in any way, but he was likely to yell at her if he spoke to her too soon, and he knew how he could get, remembered the way Isabel and Furlan would get nervous when he yelled, when he was on edge. He didn’t want her to be afraid of him. Ever. She was the one person who looked at him as if he were simply that, a person. Human. Treated him as that. Not as some savior for Humanity, not with fear, not with blind, misdirected adoration. He didn’t want to ever do anything to change that.
He understood why she’d gone, he truly did. But that didn’t change the frustration he felt at her for—once again—not thinking of herself first. He usually admired that trait in her, her ability to care about others and their needs, but in times like these, he needed, wanted her to put herself first for a change. All she’d needed to do, was to have waited a few minutes, and he would have been right there beside of her, the way he always was.
He didn’t understand why she couldn’t have just waited. Didn’t know if he’d done something to make her doubt him, doubt his promise to her.
As he landed on the ground, heart racing as the adrenaline and surging energy faded, he looked around, relief flooding him when he saw Isa sitting with Eld in his horse, once again, years of practice keeping him on his feet when his knees threatened to buckle. He whistled for Spartan, leaping on so he could meet them, Amelia and Gunther close behind.
~ - ~
After she heard his voice call out for her, she felt the grip around her loosen as she began to fall to the ground. Before she could so much as scream at the feel, she felt someone grab her in mid-air, holding her close, arms wrapped around her. She looked up, surprised to see Eld carrying her as he landed back on his own horse, taking them both out of the way of the titans.
“It’s okay, Isa. We’ve got you.”
As she wiped the tears from her face with her cloaks as, she thought he sounded concerned, and she wasn’t sure if it was because she’d left on her own, or if it was because Levi had come after her. She didn’t know Eld very well, had never really spoken to him. She knew he was at least somewhat aware of the change in her and Levi’s relationship. She knew he’d seen when Levi had kissed her forehead back on top of the wall in Karanes.
They watched as Levi took down all four titans in a matter of seconds and she could do nothing about the sheer awe filling her eyes, mouth agape at his speed, his strength.
I’ve seen him take down multiple titans before, I’ve seen his speed before, felt it, but it almost feels as if he’s faster now.
She thought it seemed as if Eld wanted to ask her something, but didn’t have the chance to as Levi approached them, Amelia and Gunther close behind, having taken care of the three other titans.
Before anyone could do anything, she couldn’t hold back anymore, the adrenaline and fear churning inside her.
She stumbled off of Eld’s horse as the contents of her stomach rose to her throat, collapsing onto the ground on all fours. Despite the embarrassment of this happening in front of others, she could do nothing to control the heaves.
When she’d finished, her arms were shaking as they struggled to hold her, skin clammy, eyes clenched tight as she fought to catch her breath. She felt a strong hand on her back, immediately recognizing it as Levi’s.
She heard his calm voice coming from behind her. “Thanks Eld, I’ve got her.”
She turned her head, met his worried gaze, and she could see the silent question. He pulled out his handkerchief, gently wiping off her face before tucking the cloth back into his pocket. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself at him, needing his arms around her, but she knew they needed to get back to base. She could tell he was still upset with her, could see the frustration in his eyes.
She gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m okay, Levi. Thank you.”
Despite the frustration in his eyes, the fear, the anger, she saw the hints of affection in them, the relief, his hand coming up to tuck some stray hair behind her ear, his thumb stroking at her cheek, her breath hitching at the act, the smile on her face turning affectionate, eyes warm as they looked at him.
Ignoring the curious looks from his squad, she took the hand he held out for her as he gently pulled her to her feet, helping her onto his horse before climbing on himself, taking the reins in his hand. She wrapped her arms tight around him as he nudged Spartan into a gallop, his squad close behind.
She could feel the tension in his body, could practically feel his frustration and anger pouring from him in waves. His silence was far more deafening than the sound of the horses’ hooves. It was rare for her to see him this way, rare for her to have angered and frustrated him, and she could feel the guilt pouring in.
Guilt for not trying harder with Hange, for not being there for her friend.
Have I been a shit friend lately? I had a sense that Hange was on edge, I was worried about this expedition for a reason?
Is this my fault?
Guilt for worrying Levi.
I know he’s upset with me, and I don’t blame him. I’d be upset with him too if he’d done something like this. I just…I don’t know what I should have done.
Should I have waited?
She was torn, unsure of what to feel what to think. She didn’t regret going, not after seeing Hange’s state, at least not fully. She realized that she probably could have waited for Levi, but she’d been too caught up in the thought of something happening to Hange, too afraid to lose yet another friend.
She buried her face into his back, fighting back tears of frustration, of worry, of fear.
I’m sorry, Hange, for not being there when you needed me. I…I’ve failed you.
I’m sorry, Levi.
Irritation was filling her for Hange, for having risked her life for something like this.
Dammit, Hange, why the fuck would you do this? You know better than to go off alone. I’m hardly one to talk, and I’m probably a hypocrite for thinking this, but dammit, why would you do this?
Why didn’t you talk to me?
We always tell each other when something is bothering us.
It’s harder for me, but I’ve come so far. You’ve never had a problem talking to me.
So why now?
Do you feel...abandoned? Did I abandon you?
As quick as her irritation appeared, it was shoved aside by the overwhelming guilt filling her.
Have I been so caught up in my relationship with Levi, that I failed her? My best friend? My first friend?
Her mind swirled with her thoughts, body filling with warring emotions, all conflicting. She didn’t know what to feel, what to think.
She knew it had been dangerous to go off on her own, that Levi had every right to be upset with her. She just hoped he could forgive her.
They arrived back to base, sun starting to peak over the horizon, and Isa leapt off Spartan, bolting for the medic tent, needing to see Hange, Levi close behind her.
Relief flooded her when she saw Hange lying on one of the cots, a bandage wrapped around her head.
She sat down on the side of the bed, hand coming up to stroke gently through her friend’s hair.
Hange stirred at the soft touch, eyebrows knitting together, though her eyes remained closed. “Isa?”
She couldn’t stop the small smile from filling her face. “I’m right here, Hange. You just focus on resting. We’ll get you back safe.”
Hange mumbled something as her body relaxed, drifting back off to sleep.
It was only then that Isa saw Moblit sitting in a chair next to the bed.
She took in his weary expression, one that was often present with Hange. “Did she get back okay?”
He nodded, eyes never leaving Hange. “I was watching out for her, in case she somehow came back on her own, and saw your horse riding up with just Hange on her back. It looks like she hit her head pretty hard.”
The memory of Hange’s unmoving body filled her mind, and her eyes filled. “I found her in a tree, lying on a branch, unconscious. I’m not sure what happened.”
The two sat in silence, Isa still stroking lightly at Hange’s hair as she slept, sheer relief filling her that her best friend was still alive.
She didn’t know what she would do if she ever lost Hange. She and Levi were the two most important people in her life, both filling different voids that had been empty for so long. Voids that she’d feared would never be filled, that she’d always be alone, without people who cared about her.
Even though she’d had other friends, Sherri, Lucy, Nanaba, and Nifa—friends that she loved with everything she had—Hange would always be more special to her, the bond between them unbroken, one that had formed that first day in training, completely different than any of the other bonds she shared.
Moblit broke the silence, though she could sense he didn’t want to interrupt, knowing how close the two were. “Commander Erwin wanted to see you if…when you got back.”
She groaned inwardly, not looking forward to this meeting at all. “I’m not surprised. I’ll go now, thanks Moblit, for watching out for her.”
She sighed as she rose, giving Hange one last look, before turning to walk out of the medic tent. She saw Levi standing at the entrance, hands tucked in his pockets, waiting for her. She knew he had to leave soon, he would be going with the group taking supplies to the nearby village.
“I’ll…I’ll see you later?” She hadn’t meant for it to come out as a question, but she wasn’t sure how this was supposed to go.
His only response was to bring a hand up to ruffle her hair, drawing her close so he could brush a soft kiss across her forehead, and her breath hitched as she smiled up at him, relief filling her that she hadn’t somehow made him stop wanting to be with her. She could feel the flush creeping up her face, the one that always showed up anytime he showed affection when she wasn’t expecting it.
As he walked away, needing to regroup with his squad before they left again, she could feel Moblit’s curious gaze on her back, which she chose to ignore, not in the mood for questions. She took a breath and made her way to Erwin’s tent.
It should have been me watching out for her from the start. I noticed that something was bothering her, should I have pushed harder?
Is this my fault?
At Erwin’s tent, she called out, letting him know she was there, entering when he called her in.
She walked inside and saw him standing by a small table in the center, looking over some plans for the supply base they’d be setting up that day in the nearby village, chin resting on his hand, elbow resting on his other hand as his arm crossed in front of him. She stopped on the other side of the table, her hands clasped nervously in front of her, took note in the way his brows were furrowed in concentration as he checked over every detail.
Her voice was soft, full of her respect for him as she spoke. “Sir, Moblit said you wanted to see me?”
His calm eyes darted up to her, and she thought she saw relief in his eyes, though she wasn’t sure why, not realizing he was relieved that Levi hadn’t lost another person who was so important to him. Erwin had long been aware in how important Isa was to Levi, perhaps even longer than Levi himself had been aware. Even when the two had been on his squad, he’d seen the looks Levi had given her.
He nodded. “Yes, I wanted to talk to you about what happened. Moblit tells me that Hange went off on her own with the goal of capturing a titan, and that you went after her alone when he told you she was missing.”
She swallowed thickly, embarrassment filling her at the way it was phrased, dreading the reprimand she feared was coming. “Yes sir, that’s what happened.”
His mouth thinned at the confirmation, clearly displeased at what two of his most important Scouts had done. “I’m guessing I don’t need to remind you how dangerous it is to go off on your own outside the walls.”
The disappointment in his voice and eyes hurt more than if he’d yelled at her, and she couldn’t stop the internal wince. She almost wished that he would yell at her. She’d never spoken to him much, other than in training and about her abilities, but she’d respected him as her Squad Leader, and she respected him as her Commander, and the thought of disappointing someone she respected had a fresh wave of guilt filling her.
She shook her head, voice apologetic as she struggled to form into words what had spurred her actions, fighting the urge to squirm under his perceptive gaze. “No, sir. I’m not sure what came over me. The thought of Hange, out there, alone, was too much for me to handle, and a part of me took over, refusing to listen to reason, to logic, which I know frustrated Levi.”
His arms crossed in front of him. “Yes, I overheard bits of your argument. I wasn’t aware of what exactly was happening. Moblit found me just as Levi was leaving.”
She could still feel the giant hand wrapped around her, the smell of death overwhelming her. She looked down at her fidgeting hands, struggling to keep still. “Yes, if…if he hadn’t shown up when he had, I wouldn’t be here talking to you.”
His eyes turned grim at the thought, knowing how Levi would have reacted to losing her, knowing the branch would have suffered without such a strong member. “I see. I know your horse got back here alone with her. We’d thought the worst.”
“When a horde of titans followed us out of the forest, I had to make a decision.” She’d hated having to send Luna away, knowing exactly how dangerous it was to be outside the walls without a horse, but she hadn’t had a choice. “They were too fast, so I sent Hange on Luna and I was going to take on the titans on my own. As I did, my gear malfunctioned.”
His brows shot up to his forehead, tone full of disbelief as he spoke. “Malfunctioned?”
The remnants of that helpless feeling filled her, the feeling of not being able to do anything when faced with potential death. “Yes sir, I’m not sure how. It was working fine when I was searching for her in the forest, but it happened all of a sudden, with no warning.”
He hummed, brows furrowing once again, and she could practically see the gears in his mind whirring. “It’s not uncommon for gear to malfunction, though it is rare. Are you certain no one tampered with it?”
Her eyes widened, surprise filling her at the question. “The only person I know who ever tampered with gear is locked away in Stohess. And I checked it yesterday morning, before we left, the way I always do. I didn’t see anything wrong with it.”
He had no doubt that she had checked, it was the one thing all Scouts were diligent about, knowing their gear was the number one thing they had that meant the difference between life, and death. “Nonetheless, I’m going to have your gear sent to the engineers in the Garrison to check it. Leave it here with me and get a spare from one of the wagons.”
She didn’t like the sound of that, nerves jangling in her stomach at the thought of someone trying to end her life. Again. “Do you suspect something, sir?”
A grim look passed over his face, so fast she thought she imagined it. “I know you have your fair share of people who want to see you suffer. This is just me just being cautious.”
This was one of the reasons she respected him as her Commander. While he was known for taking risks, he still put the safety of the Scouts first, and if there was one thing he hated most, it was the thought of a Scout purposefully attempting to harm a comrade, when there were enough threats towards them to begin with.
“I appreciate that. I’ve never understood why some people seem to hate me.”
Understanding filled his eyes, having seen exactly how people had been towards her, which is part of what was spurring his decision to have her gear checked. “Some people don’t need a reason. They latch on to someone for whatever reason suits them, and then everything that someone does fuels the hate.”
“That makes sense.” The memory of what had filled her after reading Uma’s final note to her still shamed her, still surprised her that she’d felt something so strong and negative. “I’ve felt that before, that hate, and I would have spiraled downward if…someone hadn’t helped pull me back.”
Without asking, he knew exactly who it had been who’d helped her. “He cares about you a great deal, I can tell.”
She shifted in place, avoiding his gaze once again, arms crossing in front of her. “I know, it…it took me a while to realize, longer than I’m proud of, but I know now.”
“I’m happy for you both.”
Her wide eyes shot to his, brows lifted in surprise, the sincerity in his voice and eyes clear as day. She hadn’t even been aware that he’d known of the change in their relationship. “You are? I…I wasn’t sure if this sort of thing would be frowned upon, given the difference in our positions.”
Amusement filled his eyes, shoulders shrugging, never having felt the need to dictate what the Scouts do in their free time, who they spend their free time with. “Who am I to tell people who they can and can’t be with? I ask them to risk their lives, each and every time we leave the walls. I think that’s more than enough from me. Besides, you two were friends long before there was ever a change in position. I wouldn’t expect that to suddenly just stop.”
She swallowed thickly, relief she hadn’t realized she needed filled her at the confirmation that she wasn’t breaking any rules by being in a relationship with Levi. Not that she would have cared if she had been, not fully at least. “That’s…that’s good to know. I’d never thought of it that way.”
“You’re good for him, Isa, I can see that. I’m not going to deny him something that makes him happy, that makes you both happy.” He paused, as if unsure if he should say his next words. “Just promise me something.”
“Anything, sir.”
“Don’t hurt him.”
She could see the concern on his face, and she could tell this was something that had been on his mind for a while. “I promise you, I will never hurt him. Before anything else, he’s my best friend.”
If Erwin sensed the two were in love with each other, there was no indication of this knowledge, no sign of his intuition. He simply gave Isa a small smile, telling her that all was forgiven, silently dismissing her.
She also knew that if something like this happened again, she wouldn’t get off as easily. She hoped this never happened again, the emotions warring inside her were tearing her apart, but she needed to keep it together, refusing to fall apart outside the walls.
She removed her gear, leaving it with Erwin, before making her way to the wagons and taking a spare, adjusting the straps so that they fit on her.
Needing to check on Luna, she found her settled in her pen, grazing on some hay and she had a hunch that Moblit had made sure that Luna was comfortable.
The possibility that her gear had been tampered with had left her shaken. There were only two other people in the Scouts who had ever given her any issues, but surely they would never do something that extreme. At most, she’d only ever gotten hate filled glares from them, cruel words, but they’d never done anything to physically hurt her.
Don’t worry, Erwin is going to send off your gear to get checked, and they’ll find it was some random malfunction from something I missed yesterday.
~ - ~
The remainder of the expedition passed without issue. The Scouts were successful in setting up their secondary base, filling it with supplies before returning back. She was relieved when Hange’s horse made its way back to their base. She knew Hange’s horse meant as much to Hange, as Luna did to Isa.
Everyone made quick work in gathering their supplies in preparation of the return journey, all eager to be back behind the walls, hopeful that no one else would be lost.
The ride back to Trost was silent as she rode next to the wagon Hange was settled in, her horse’s reins tied to Luna’s saddle. Levi still rode beside her as he always did, even more inclined to do so after seeing her in that titan’s grasp, but he didn’t talk to her, barely looked at her, and she could tell he was still angry.
She hated whenever she did something to make someone angry. She always worried that one day she’d go too far, and she’d be alone again. She was still torn, unsure of what she should have done. She could see both choices as being right. Listen to Levi and wait or go after Hange on her own.
As they rode, she shot glances at him, unsure of what she was supposed to do, unsure of what she needed to do. This was the first time she’d angered him to this extent since they’d become friends. Even still, she didn’t think she’d upset him this much back in the beginning.
She vaguely remembered her parents’ fights, their arguments, the way they would sometimes yell at each other, yet they’d always managed to work it out, to resolve whatever had caused the fight. She wasn’t sure how to do that, but she was willing to try, willing to work this out with him.
Back on base, she settled Luna into her stall as she always did, always making sure her mare was comfortable and fed before taking care of her own needs. She was thrown back to that day when Levi lost those three members of his squad, in the way he left alone, not waiting for her like he always did.
Except this time, she’d been the one to upset him, but that didn’t change her resolve. She was determined to move past this with him, and if that meant yelling at each other, then so be it. She refused to leave him alone. It was like she always told him, first, he was her best friend, and she would always be there for him. If he needed to yell at her, to get this out of his system, then she would make him do just that.
Before going to him, giving him some time alone, she made her way to her room to grab her things and clean up, eager to be rid of the remnants of the expedition, feeling slightly better once she’d showered and changed.
She stopped to check in on Hange in the infirmary. It was a small room, that had been added onto after Erwin became Commander, finally having succeeded in acquiring needed funding to add more beds, more supplies, a couple of extra nurses, though, lack of funding prevented the branch from having a larger facility such as what was found in the Military Police or the Garrison. Something else that always set her teeth on edge.
The Garrison I can see needing a decent infirmary, but why the fuck does the Military Police need the best infirmary. Why do they need one at all? They don’t do shit.
She made her way to Hange’s bedside, sitting down in the chair next to her bed, relieved that she was awake.
A soft smile filled her face as she met her friend’s eyes. “How are you feeling?”
Hange’s hand came to rest on top of her head, wincing when she did. “My head is throbbing, but that’s about it.”
Isa’s arms crossed in front of her as she leaned back in her chair, the faintest hint of disapproval filling her eyes, though it was overridden by the guilt and remnants of fear still present inside her. “You’re lucky that’s all that’s hurting.”
She thought she saw the slightest hint of shame and regret fill her friend’s eyes. “I know.”
“I hope you know I’m going to yell at you when you’re feeling better.”
A sheepish look passed over Hange’s face. “Yeah, I know.”
“Good. Are you sure you’re okay?”
She wanted to talk more with her friend, needed to know why she’d gone off on her own, needed to know if she’d felt abandoned, but she knew that what Hange needed right now was rest, not questions.
“I’m fine, go check on Levi. He left just before you came in, and I could tell he was upset.”
The news warmed her, knowing he had a soft spot for her best friend, even if he never showed it, even if he denied it, even if he was always frustrated with her. “Yea, I…I did something kind of stupid. I’ll tell you about it later when you’re feeling better.”
“It can’t be much worse than what I did.”
“It’s practically on the same level.”
Hange’s eyebrows shot up to her forehead. “I look forward to hearing it then. Now go, he needs you right now.”
She rose from her seat, leaning down to gently wrap her arms around Hange, pressing her lips to her best friend’s temple, her own need to be certain her friend was alive and with her overriding the awkwardness she still sometimes felt with being affectionate with her friend.
Even though she was used to showing affection with Levi, she still struggled with being affectionate around her friends, with showing she cared. For some reason, it was easier for her around Levi, had always been easier.
She stroked her hand a final time through Hange’s hair, and left, making her way to Levi’s office. As always, she never knocked, never felt the need to knock, even less so now that she stayed with him every night.
She entered the door, letting it close behind her with a soft click. Her heart clenched when she saw him staring into the fireplace, arms crossed tight in front of his chest. She could practically feel the tension, his frustration, radiating off him in waves.
She walked up to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Levi, it’s me, I’m here.”
He tensed even more as he spoke through a thinly controlled voice. “Isa you…you don’t want to be around me right now.”
“You don’t have to hide from me. I can’t help you if you hide from me.”
He could feel his hold on the reins of his anger, his frustration, his fear slipping, the image of her wrapped up in that titan’s grasp locked tight in his mind, all he could see. “I’m just…I’m not in control right now—"
She cut him off before he could continue. “Levi, I’m not leaving you alone. I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be.”
She gave his shoulder a squeeze, reassuring him that she was right beside him, always, the way he was always beside her. “If you need to yell at me, then do it. I’ll probably yell back. But it’s okay. First and foremost, you’re my best friend, always, and I’m not going to leave you when you’re upset. That’s not going to happen. So go ahead, yell. Scream. Do whatever you need to do, because letting this fester isn’t going to help. I’m not afraid of you, Levi. I will never be afraid of you.”
His shoulders shuddered as he took in a shaky breath, as if he were trying to maintain control, and she could see it snap when he spun to face her, eyes narrowed in frustration and fear. “Dammit Isa, what the hell where you thinking?! Going off like that on your own? Alone!”
She winced internally, knowing it had been dangerous to do what she’d done. “I know.”
His eyes flashed as he spoke through clenched teeth. “Do you? Because cadets fresh out of training know better than to pull some stupid shit like that!”
Her chin lifted in defiance, his words putting her on the defensive, her own irritation, her own anger rising. “Dammit Levi, she’s my best friend! You know that!” She emphasized this with a jab of her finger towards him. “She was the first friend I EVER made in my entire life. I never had friends, NEVER! Not even in the Underground. Nobody ever wanted to be my friend.”
She had to fight back tears at the reminder of how lonely she’d been as a child, not understanding why no one wanted to be her friend. She was surprised at how quick she was able to lose her own temper. Sometimes she forgot she even had one.
He shook his head in disbelief. “So your idea of friendship is risking your own damn life, running off in the middle of the night outside the damn walls!”
Her hands came to rest on her hips, taking a step closer so she could glare up at him. “Friends are there for each other, always! What kind of friend would I have been to just leave Hange out there alone!”
His face twisted into a scowl, irritation growing at her lack of concern for her own safety. “The kind that puts herself first for a change! You’re always putting others before you, even at the risk of your own safety!”
Her eyes widened at that, before narrowing further, her frown deepening, hands clenching into tight fists against her hips. “I was putting myself first! I can’t lose Hange! I wouldn’t be where I am today if it hadn’t been for Hange!”
He glared down at her, the mention of Hange currently setting his teeth on edge. “What do you think she’d say if she knew what you’d done!”
“I don’t think she would have said anything, because she would have done the same for me!”
“Of course she wouldn’t say anything since she’s the idiot who went off on her own to begin with! That must be where you got that lack of sense from!”
She threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “What the hell was I supposed to do?!” She jabbed her finger into his shoulder, ignoring the way his eyes flashed when she did. “You saw Hange’s state!”
“You could have waited, five fucking minutes!” His voice had dropped to a growl, his frustration ever present, not having figured out why she couldn’t have just waited.
Her arms crossed in front of her chest. “You saw Hange when we got back to base! I didn’t know if I had ‘five fucking minutes’ to wait!”
“What good would you have been for her if you had…” His eyes widened as he trailed off. He swallowed thickly, his anger dissipating at the thought, not able to bring himself to even say the word, terrified that one day exactly that would happen, and he’d be alone again, after finally finding something he hadn’t known he’d been looking for.
He walked over to look out the window, running a weary hand down his face. Even though he was looking outside, nothing registered, all he saw were the images of what had happened, of what could have happened as they kept playing in his mind, refusing to cease, refusing to leave him be.
He’d never been the type to dwell on things, rarely wondering ‘what if,’ but here was this woman—this woman who meant so much to him, one who made him feel something he’d never thought he would be capable of—making him wonder ‘what if.’
What if I hadn’t been fast enough?
What if I’d been too late?
What if one day, I am too late?
What if I have to watch her leave me, the way everyone else has?
What if…what if she grows tired of me?
Somehow he knew, that if something ever happened to her, he’d be left with an emptiness inside that would never be filled again. He’d be able to continue, just as he had in the past, but he knew that the loss of her would hit harder than any other loss, and he knew he would never fully recover.
He’d be left an empty shell of himself, broken, worse than he’d been after his mother had died, continuing on because he’d know it’s what she would have wanted for him. But nothing would be the same without her.
He’d had a taste of it when he’d seen the titan holding her in its clutches, and he’d practically seen life without her, after having her. Sleepless nights where he would turn over in bed expecting her to be there, except she no longer would be. Her lingering scent haunting him, reminding him of what he’d once had. Her face following him everywhere, everything around him reminding him how the smallest things would make her smile, laugh, her whole being lighting up when she did.
He knew there was no one who would ever make him feel this way, the way she did, this emotion that he finally understood, but was struggling to adjust to it, not understanding what it meant, never having felt anything like it before, not knowing what to do with it. He didn’t even know when it had happened. He felt idiotic for having taken so long to realize.
When did I even start feeling this?
How am I supposed to tell her when I can’t even think it?
He blew out a breath as he ran his hand through his hair.
Walls she deserves so much better than me.
He knew no one would ever bring this chaotic jumble of emotions inside him that he never wanted to lose. No one would ever make him want the way she made him want.
I’m not going to let myself think that way. She’s safe, she’s here with me, she still wants me as much as I want her, and that’s all that matters.
She watched as he looked out the window, her own anger fading, hating that she’d made him feel this fear, knowing she was the one in the wrong. As much as she hated to admit it, he had every right to be upset with her. She’d thrown caution out the window, put her own safety at risk, without stopping to consider what could happen if she left alone.
She walked up to him, hands coming up to cup his face, eyes apologetic as they looked up at him, more guilt filling her when she still saw the lingering fear in his eyes. “You’re right, Levi, and for that, I’m sorry. I…I don’t regret what I did, not fully, not after seeing Hange’s state, but I do regret it somewhat, because it was ridiculously dangerous.”
She thought she saw the faintest glint of tears in his eyes, which fueled the guilt inside of her, had tears pricking in her own eyes.
His hands came up to frame her face, and she had to swallow at the gentle way his hands held her, as if she were something precious to him, as if he were afraid she’d break.
His forehead dropped to rest on hers, eyes intent on hers, full of questions. “Just…I don’t understand.” His voice was soft, and her heart clenched at the pain in his eyes. “I need you to explain why you couldn’t wait. You know I would have gone with you, that I would have been right there with you. All I needed, was for you to wait—not even five minutes—for me to get my squad so that we wouldn’t be alone.”
A stray tear trickled down her face at his words, knowing he would have done just that. She thought of all the times he’d been there beside of her, helping her. He’d never failed her, never given her a reason to think he’d leave her alone.
Teaching her to fight, spending his own free time making sure she knew how to defend herself, how to hold her own.
Helping her through the attacks that hit her when she least expected it, despite his own struggle with comforting others.
Derek’s trial, holding her after he attacked her, holding her after Martha’s words, holding her hand in support, just being there for her.
Going to the damn Underground, the place he’d spent all his life trying to escape, yet he’d gone with her, no hesitation.
Shame filled her, another tear falling to join the other. “I…I know, Levi. I just, I lost control. The thought of losing Hange, of her out there alone, I couldn’t see past that. And I probably could have waited, I just…I don’t know what came over me.”
His thumbs brushed away the tears from her cheeks as he struggled to put what he felt into words. “When I saw you, with that titan, I…I thought I was going to lose you. I’m…I’m not ready for that. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
More tears filled her eyes, torn between regret for not waiting, and fear for what could have happened to Hange. She threw her arms around his neck, doing the only thing she knew to do to comfort, full of guilt at having put him through this, knowing she would have felt the same had their roles been reversed.
“I’m sorry, Levi, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her whispered voice cracked as she fought back tears. “I didn’t stop to think. I should have, and I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to think, what to feel. I’m torn. I don’t know what would have happened to Hange if I’d waited, I don’t know what I should have done.”
His own arms had come up to wrap around her waist, holding her close, the way he’d wanted, the way he’d needed, his own face burying against her neck, needing her comforting smell, hoping it would wash away the lingering fear. “I know. I don’t know which one would have been right either. I wanted to go with you, but I knew the two of us alone wouldn’t have been wise.”
She sniffled and couldn’t help herself. “Always the old, wise man.” Her voice was affectionate, soft as she spoke, hand stroking through his hair.
She felt his lips curl into a smile against her neck. “Always the short, stubborn, pain in the ass.”
Her lip was caught in her teeth as she smiled, a giggle escaping her. “Better than being an old, grouchy ass.”
She shivered at the feel of his breath huffing out against her neck as he chuckled.
As she held him, as he held her, she realized something, just as she had the night Uma had kidnapped her.
He’s…he’s trembling, I can feel him shaking.
Just as he had that night, he was holding her as if his life depended on it, as if he needed to hold her more than he needed to breathe. He had her drawn in tight against him, bodies flush against each other, his hand coming up to gently cradle her head.
The way he held her always made her feel as if she mattered, as if she were important. She’d spent so long without affection until she met Hange, but the affection Levi gave her felt different than the comforting hugs Hange gave her.
She stroked lightly at his hair. “Just tell me what you need, Levi. Whatever you need.”
He paused, trying to figure out how to phrase what it was he wanted, what he needed, his voice muffled against her as he spoke. “I just…I need to hold you.”
The words he couldn’t say echoed in his mind.
I need to feel that you’re still alive, that you’re still here with me, that none of this is a dream.
Tears pricked in her eyes at the confirmation that he enjoyed the simple act of holding her the way she did with him. “Then that’s what we’ll do.” Her voice was thick as she fought to speak through the lump in her throat.
She sniffled, a thought coming to mind, something she’d been wanting to do for a while. “I have an idea. I’ll be right back, I’m going to grab something from my room, and while you wait, you’re going to go run some hot water in the tub.”
He pulled back, and she could see the confusion in his eyes.
She brushed her lips across his cheek, needing to comfort. “No questions, just do it.”
A smirk crossed his face at her tone, the firm one that left no room for arguments.
“So bossy.” His own tone was affectionate, full of the warmth he only ever used around her.
Ignoring that, even if it made her laugh, she raced to her room, grabbing what she needed out of the bathroom, hurrying back, not wanting to leave him alone for too long.
She found him in his bathroom, and saw that he’d done as she’d asked, the tub filling with water, steam wafting through the air.
His back was to her, watching the water fill, so she snuck over, throwing what she had in her hand into the water, watching the tub fill with bubbles.
He shot her an amused look. “Do we really need bubbles?”
She giggled. “Yes. Trust me, you’ll like the bubbles.”
She took a breath, before reaching out to pull his shirt gently over his head, her heart squeezing when she met his eyes.
She shivered at the feel of him doing the same, fingers trailing against her skin, swallowing thickly when he gently removed the bindings from around her chest.
The newness of this experience had her nerves jangling in her stomach.
Okay…this is different. Undressing each other for something other than…that.
Avoiding his amused gaze, as if he could sense her nerves, her hands shook slightly as she removed his belt, sliding his pants and boxers down his legs, doing her best not to flush at the sight of him, still not used to seeing him this way. His fingers left heated trails along her legs when he did the same for her.
He stepped into the tub, sitting back against the wall, waiting for her to do the same.
Despite this being something she wanted to do, she couldn’t stop the flutters in her stomach, though they eased when she took in the never-ending patience in his eyes, even with the hint of humor in them.
She took another breath, before stepping into the tub, taking the hand he offered as she did, settling in between his legs, letting her back lean against his chest. She felt the tension leave her when his arms wrapped around her waist, holding her close, the hot water pushing away the chill she hadn’t realized was there. Her own arms settled over his.
She couldn’t stop the affectionate smile that crossed her face when she felt his chin rest against her shoulder, a content sigh leaving him, the sound of it warming her as it filled her ears. She let her head drop back against him, eyes closing, letting her senses heighten with the act, enjoying the feel of the hot water surrounding them, the soft soothing smell of fresh linens filling the air from the bubbles, the heat of his chest against her back somehow hotter than the water.
I could stay like this forever. It doesn’t matter where or how he’s holding me, I feel happiest when his arms are around me.
His thumb was stroking absently against her waist, and if she’d turned her head, she would have seen that his eyes had also closed, enjoying the simple comfort that came from holding her, relief filling him that she was still with him, still alive, that he’d been able to protect her, keep her safe.
Every so often he would brush his lips across her neck, and it sent warmth washing across her skin, always grateful that she got to see the sweet, affectionate side of him, that somehow, she’d been able to pull that part of him out of hiding.
She could still feel the remnants of the guilt, still unsure which decision would have been right. The only thing she was certain of, was that she hated that she’d made him afraid, that she’d worried him.
“I’m sorry, Levi. I really am.”
She felt him press his lips to her shoulder, her hair, his arms tightening around her.
His nose brushed up against her neck as he pressed his face into it, her soft scent helping him relax further.
His voice was muffled against her as he spoke, hiding the way it wavered ever so slightly. “It’s okay, just…just if something like that happens again, wait for me, please.”
Her eyes widened at his words. She could count on one hand the number of times he’d said ‘please’ to her. She realized just how badly she must have shaken him.
She covered his hand on her waist with her own, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I promise, Levi. I’ll wait for you.”
She felt the tension leave him, his arm coming up to rest between her breasts so his hand could settle on her shoulder.
She lost track of how long they sat there, simply enjoying each other’s company, the feel of holding each other, enjoying that they were both still alive.
She could feel herself practically dozing, not remembering the last time she’d felt this relaxed, the water, the bubbles, the feel of him holding her all doing wonders in easing the tension, the guilt. She wondered why she hadn’t thought of doing this sooner, not just for her, but for him. She could feel him relaxing, and she imagined his face looked the same as it had that day at the meadow.
I hope we can go back to that meadow one day. It was so beautiful, I’ve never seen something so beautiful, and now that we’re together, I can enjoy it even more, not riddled with my fear of whether or not he wants me.
His birthday would be coming up in a couple of months, and she was already wondering what she could get him. Last year, the drawing of his mother had been the perfect gift, and she wanted this one to be even better. This birthday would be special, it would be the first one where they were together, a couple.
She wanted to make him feel loved, even if she still hadn’t mustered up the courage to say the words. She hadn’t even tried yet, not sure how.
What do I get a man, who never asks for anything, who always seems content with the simple things, with what he has?
Her hand came up to hold the necklace around her neck, an affectionate smile filling her face at how thoughtful his gift had been.
His gift to me was beautiful, better than anything I could have ever gotten, and I want my gifts for him to always hold meaning.
Walls, I wish my parents were still alive, I wish Ethel was still alive, maybe they’d be able to help me, even the slightest bit.
His soft voice pulled her from her thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”
Her head turned in the direction of his voice though her eyes remained closed, a content smile on her face. “Of course.”
“Earlier, you said that you wouldn’t be where you are now if it hadn’t been for Hange. What did you mean by that?”
Her eyes fluttered open, swallowing thickly as she met his looking down at her. “Before I do, can you…can you promise me something?”
“Anything.” He could easily promise her anything, knowing he’d never be able to deny her, knowing she’d never ask for anything he couldn’t give her.
“Promise…promise me, you won’t judge me with what I’m about to say.”
That took him by surprise. “That will never happen. Nothing you say could ever make me judge you. Look who you’re talking to, I don’t exactly have an ideal past.”
Her frown deepened. “I know, it’s just…I’m not proud of this, of what I did.”
She took a breath, turning back to face forward, head still leaned back against his shoulder, voice soft as she spoke. “Do you…do you remember how I told you they’d come to get me while I was in training?”
“I do.”
“I didn’t tell you everything…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say, or how to explain what had happened, embarrassed at how weak she’d been in that moment.
He pressed his lips to her temple. “It’s okay, take your time.” She felt his lips curve against her skin as he spoke. “You have until this water gets cold.”
She couldn’t stop the giggle, his humor helping to ease her nerves.
She took in a breath, and let the words fall out of her. “I…I almost went with them.”
“Why?”
She heard no judgment in his voice, only curiosity, clearly wanting to know why when he knew that they’d been horrible to her, had witnessed it himself. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really know. It wouldn’t have been the first time. I…I haven’t told you much of what happened in Mitras. I only told Isabel a little bit, to make her comfortable in sharing something that was bothering her, I don’t know if she ever said anything to you.”
The back of his hand came up to brush against her face. “She didn’t. She wouldn’t have. As much as she liked to talk, she was good at knowing when something needed to be kept a secret.”
Affection for her small, red-headed friend filled her. “I figured as much. Well, you know there were times where they’d throw me inside that small room, punishment for failing to meet their standards, for talking back, basically for any reason they could think of. Sometimes it would be a week, sometimes more.”
He was grateful she wasn’t looking at him, or she would have seen the way his face darkened at how cruel those people had been to her, once again wishing he could go back to when she was little and taking her away from them. The slightest hint of guilt was filling him at the reminder of how he’d judged her at the beginning, when he hadn’t known her, hadn’t known her past, making assumptions that just because she’d lived in Mitras, she’d lived a sheltered life, an easy one.
Not realizing the direction his thoughts had gone, she continued, her own face filling with shame at what she’d done, even if it had been to survive. “And I would cave to what they wanted when it meant getting out of that dark room. I would cave when it meant getting to eat food. Sometimes, they’d withhold decent meals from me, refusing to feed me until I gave them what they wanted. And I almost caved that day, I almost went with them.”
Her brow furrowed, lips pouting as she took his hand in hers, soothed when he linked their fingers together. “I don’t know why. But if it hadn’t been for Hange, I wouldn’t be here right now, wouldn’t be here with you, hell, we probably wouldn’t have ever met. She…you’re going to think this is stupid.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
She brought their hands up to rest above her heart, further comforted by the heat of his hand, giving her the strength she needed to keep going. “She called me her best friend, and just those simple words were enough to call down to some hidden part of me that was strong enough to fight back against them. I’d…I’d never had friends before, not even in the Underground. I don’t know why. I tried…but no one wanted to be my friend.”
‘Look it’s the little mouse.’
‘Awww is the little ugly mouse going to cry?’
‘Why would we want to play with you mouse?’
‘We can’t understand you, we don’t speak mouse.’
She was always surprised at the memory of those kids throwing stolen pieces of rotten cheese at her, not understanding why they were calling her ‘mouse,’ not understanding why they didn’t want to be her friend.
A stray tear trickled down her face as she sniffled at the memory. “I considered Hange my best friend, I felt even closer to her than I did Sherri or Lucy. But to hear her call me that, to hear her say she felt the same, it gave me the drive I needed. It didn’t last long, but it was enough. If…if you think I’m insecure now, you should have seen me then. I…I doubt you would have been interested in me if you’d known me then.”
“Look at me.”
She turned her head to meet his eyes, swallowing thickly at the seriousness in them.
“You don’t know that. I probably still would have. The confidence, the strength you have now, is as much a part of you as the side of you that’s shy.” His eyes filled with affection for her, his free hand coming up to tuck some hair behind her ear before resting on her shoulder. “I think that was always there, and was just shoved down by years of abuse, and it just needed the right people to bring it back out. Don’t worry about what might have been or what could have been. Focus on what we have, right now. That’s what I do, and I’m not letting this go.”
She’d always considered what they’d done to her abuse, but to hear someone else confirm it, to hear him call it that, had a heaviness lifting from her she hadn’t known existed. Almost as if a small part of her had wondered if she’d deserved what they’d done to her, for not being what they wanted. She wondered if a small part of her had wanted their approval. They’d been the only other people in her life for the longest time.
His soft words had affection filling her, a warmth flowing through her. Her free hand came up to stroke lightly at his cheek. “I’m not either, Levi. I don’t want to lose this.”
“Then you won’t. You’ll have me, for as long as you want me.”
“I…I don’t think I’ll ever stop, Levi.” A small smile filled her face, the slightest hint of that teasing light coming to her eyes, pushing out the guilt. “You’re stuck with me.”
He pressed a firm kiss to her forehead. “Just like you’re stuck with me, sweetheart.”
Her breath hitched at the pet name, at the way his voice and eyes were full of warmth and affection, and her lip was caught in her teeth as her smile widened, love for him filling her.
She settled back against his chest and could feel the fatigue from the day finally begin to set in as her eyes started to droop, limbs growing heavy.
His lips brushed across her ear as he spoke. “You’re not falling asleep in here.”
“I’m not sleepy.” That pouty defiance was setting in again as she struggled to keep her eyes open, not wanting the night to end, wanting to stay with him like this forever.
He maneuvered her into his arms as he rose, cradling her against him. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. You need to rest.”
Her arms crossed against her chest as she sent a sleepy glare his way. “So do you.”
Amusement filled him as he set her down gently, grabbing a towel so he could dry her off. “I’ll sleep when you sleep, you know how it goes with me.”
She huffed out a breath. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
He dried himself off, before taking her back into his arms, carrying her into the bedroom. “If it makes you feel better, I sleep better with you than I have in years.”
She failed at holding back a yawn, her voice sleepy as she spoke. “Good, maybe some sleep is what your grouchy ass needs.”
He chuckled at the insult, grabbing a shirt from his trunk, pulling it over her head before getting dressed himself. “If it hasn’t helped your stubborn, pain in the ass, I doubt there’s much hope for me.”
She settled herself onto his bed, drawing the covers over her, snuggling close when he laid down next to her, his arms coming around her. “You’re probably right.”
“Do I need to say it?”
“Being modest for once? I’m shocked.”
Instead of responding, he took her chin in his hand, tilting her head up, so he could kiss her, lazily, slowly, letting himself enjoy this simple pleasure, enjoy the way she responded to him, sighing softly as her arms wrapped around his neck, drawing him closer as her fingers threaded into his hair.
When he pulled back, she couldn’t stop the shy, sleepy giggle as she met his amused eyes.
“Now sleep.”
She rolled her eyes but relented. “Fine, at least that means the sooner I fall asleep, the sooner I get to go see Armin.”
She flipped over, letting herself enjoy the way his arms came around her, drawing her close, her own hands settling over his on her stomach and in front of her face, joy filling her when his fingers linked with hers once again.
As she lay wrapped up tight in Levi’s arms, slowly drifting off to sleep, that’s when it hit her, completely unexpected. Most of the guilt had faded, only the slightest vestiges remaining, the ones that wouldn’t leave until she talked to Hange, meaning only the fear was left, becoming the prominent emotion coursing through her, and her mind cruelly reminded her of what could have happened.
She could feel the titan’s firm grasp around her, could still smell that scent of death and decay, and the image morphed, showing her what would have happened had Levi been too late.
Her body shoved into the titan’s mouth, sliding down its throat, the way she’d seen countless others die outside the walls.
Her body torn apart as the titans fought for a piece.
Her own mangled corpse and her own severed head, the way Furlan and Isabel had looked when they had died.
Her hand slapped over her mouth, but it couldn’t contain the fearful sob as her body shook.
She felt him lift up onto his arm behind her, his hand coming up to move the hair out of her face, stroking down her cheek.
“Isa?” His voice was laced with concern as he looked down at her.
She flipped back over, burying her face into his neck, needing his comforting scent to override the putrid smell filling her mind. She broke, shuddering with sobs, tears streaming down her face, soaking his shirt.
She struggled to speak in between gasps for air. “Levi, I…I almost…almost…that titan—”
His own eyes clenched tight, drawing her close, burying his face into her hair as he fought to keep his own resurging fear tamped down. “Shh, I know, it’s okay. It didn’t, and that’s all that matters. You’re here with me, and you’re safe.”
She wasn’t sure how long she cried, having held back this whole time without even realizing, and the floodgates had finally slammed opened, shoving the fear and horror through. She’d wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him close, needing him.
His own were wrapped around her shoulders and waist, holding her close against him, as he fought back his own fear that threatened to break him, remembering just how close it had been. His hand came up to stroke at her hair, brushing soft kisses across her temple, the top of her head, doing his best to comfort despite his own terror racing underneath his skin.
They both knew what would had happened if he’d been even seconds later.
He fought to keep his hand steady as his heart raced, not wanting to overwhelm her with his own agony as the images reminded him how he’d almost lost her.
Her cries finally steadied, fatigue taking over, sleep pulling her in as her body relaxed against his.
“I’m so sorry, Levi.” Her words slurred together as she fought to stay awake, needing him to understand that she’d never meant to hurt him, to worry him.
He pressed his lips on top of her head, his eyes still clenched tight as he fought back the images in his mind, trying not to dwell on ‘what if,’ years of experience keeping his voice steady, not wanting to worry her when he could feel her finally relaxing again. “Stop apologizing. Once was more than enough, and you already promised me you wouldn’t do something like this again. You don’t need to keep apologizing. I understand.”
“I do promise you…Levi…I won’t…” She trailed off as she drifted into sleep, his heartbeat soothing her as it always did, not noticing the way it raced, the last thing she remembered was the feel of his lips brushing across her forehead.
He didn’t want to tear his eyes from her for a second, but he didn’t have a choice. He needed to get his squad and get moving as soon as possible.
The less time she was alone, out there in the dark, the better.
Levi spun from where Isa was riding off on Luna, stalking off in search of his squad, furious at Hange, frustrated with Isa, fearful for Isa, but he didn’t let any of it show. One narrow-eyed glare from him had the nosy, stunned Scouts scrambling to look like they were busy doing something else, hoping it hadn’t been obvious that they’d been listening in.
To be fair, they would have heard whether or not they’d been trying to.
He understood why she’d needed to go. He would have done the same for her, for Furlan, for Isabel.
What he didn’t understand was why she couldn’t wait five fucking minutes for him to get his squad so she wouldn’t be alone. He’d been tempted to just go with her immediately, but he knew he needed to bring back-up, just in case. Anything could happen outside the walls, and the more people together, the better.
Dammit Isa. Why couldn’t you just wait?
He found his squad sitting around a fire, eyeing him warily, clearly sensing his mood was at an all-time low.
Despite the harsh flurry of emotions raging inside him, he worked to keep his voice was calm and authoritative, though his tone held undercurrents of worry, too many emotions fighting to break through. “Get your stuff. We’re heading out in two minutes. I’ll explain on the way.”
A chorus of ‘yes sirs’ filled the air as they scurried up, racing to their horses.
That was one of the things he appreciated about his squad members. No questions asked when they were told an explanation would be provided. They could understand when something was urgent.
They also most likely had heard the argument between him and Isa.
He honestly did not care if the whole branch heard them. All he cared about, in that moment, was getting her back safe, so he could hold her and remind himself that she was still alive.
He wanted to yell at her for putting herself in danger. For not thinking of herself.
For not waiting five fucking minutes.
He didn’t know if he’d be able to let himself do that. He knew how he could get. He didn’t want her to be afraid of him. Ever.
He wanted to beg her to never scare him like this again, ever. The fear he’d felt when she’d been kidnapped by Uma was nothing compared to the terror surging through him at the thought of her alone while outside the walls.
His squad was ready in less than what he’d asked for, and he nudged Spartan into a gallop, Eld, Gunther, and Amelia close behind him. After he’d lost those three members of his squad, he’d been hesitant to add anyone new, but Amelia had proven herself a strong soldier, quick and agile with ODM, and he’d added her to his squad right before this expedition.
As they rode, he called back to them, explaining everything that had happened, needing them to understand the severity and uncertainty of the situation. He had no idea what they would come across, and he only hoped that there were no issues.
If his squad felt uneasy or concerned about the situation, they didn’t say anything.
Was it really only just this morning that we were lying in bed asleep?
~ - ~
He was drifting, as he usually was. Most of his sleep was never deep sleep, his mind always ready to wake in an emergency. Years of living in the Underground, having to sleep with one eye open, made it difficult to sleep.
The first thing he registered as he was slowly pulled from sleep was her smell. That sweet, feminine scent that was only ever around her, lingering in the room after she left, lingering on the bed where she slept.
One that he swore he could still smell even in places she hadn’t been, as if the memory followed him everywhere.
The next thing that registered was her hand resting right above his heart. No matter where she put her hand before she fell asleep, it always found its way back to that spot. That same damn warmth filling him as it always did, always centering from wherever she was touching him.
He could feel her head resting on his shoulder. The tingles in his arm didn’t bother him, it just meant he had someone to hold at night. Something he’d never expected to have. Something he’d never expected to want.
Yet here he was, a reformed criminal, holding this soft, sweet, beautiful woman as she slept, who, for some reason, wanted him as much as he wanted her. Something he’d long given up hope of having. Before their trip to the Underground, he’d long accepted that she would never be his, that they would always be simply friends. And he’d been happy to be that for her.
That day in the Underground, he’d been prepared to yell at her for wandering around alone. But when she’d hugged him, all his fear and anger had fled at the reminder that she was alive and safe. He’d understood why she’d left, but the thought of her being alone in that shithole was almost too much for him to handle. All the things that could have happened to her had played through his mind, knowing exactly the kind of scum that existed in the Underground.
She’d surprised him when she’d kissed him. It was rare for someone to surprise him, but she’d managed to. She was one of the few people who could catch him off guard. He’d been overwhelmed by her, the smell of her, the taste of her, nothing else registering, almost forgetting they were even in the Underground.
He’d been filled with a hope he’d only felt once before, that night of her birthday when she’d kissed him. Only this time, when he asked her why she’d done that, she’d asked him why he was asking a question he knew the answer to, and when his eyes had opened to meet hers, he’d been able to see the answering hope filling her face, shining in her eyes.
And he’d finally had his answer. He’d been unable to resist her, needed to taste again, to devour, to consume. To finally have what he’d wanted for so long, to be able to admit he wanted more with her, had filled him with an emotion he rarely felt, and only ever felt around her.
Joy.
When she’d told him she’d been afraid she’d disappoint him, she’d surprised him then too. She could never disappoint him, no matter what she did.
Despite how much he desired her, wanted her, he’d still refused to push her into anything she wasn’t ready for. He could still hear the way those disgusting pigs had talked to his mother those times there hadn’t been an empty room and he’d had to hide in the closet. How they’d treated her, forced her to do things she didn’t want to do simply because they were paying her.
He remembered times where she would try to talk her clients out of it, but she’d never been able to, and she couldn’t pass up the income. He could remember the times he’d woken up to his mother crying, distressed about what she had to do to survive. He’d done the only thing a child could think to do, which was to crawl into bed beside her, wrapping his short arms around her neck and just hold her.
Of all the things he could remember from his childhood, it had to be those things. She’d tried to hide it from him, but it had been hard in that tiny room of theirs. It was rare that she’d had to bring a client into their room, but sometimes, she’d had no choice, and he’d pretended he couldn’t hear anything, for her sake.
He remembered other things, happier times, but it was those dark moments that truly stuck with him.
So he’d been content with simply being able to hold her whenever he wanted, to sleep next to her, wake up next to her. It was already more than he’d ever expected to have. When a person expected nothing, never expected to want a relationship with someone, it made them cherish the smaller things more.
He enjoyed being around her, listening to her talk, the way she didn’t seem to need him to answer, yet he always found himself willing to talk more around her. Something about her made him more talkative.
Three sexual assault attempts by that pig, and he was surprised she even wanted to do anything. He wouldn’t have blamed her in the slightest. And it wouldn’t have changed how much he wanted to be with her in any way.
He hadn’t been lying to her when he’d said sex wasn’t all he wanted with her. He just wanted to be with her, however they decided what that meant.
He’d waited for her to make the decision of if and when she was ready to do anything more, leaving the choice in her hands. He was happy to do whatever she wanted, it was so easy to be patient with her. He’d been surprised at how soon she’d wanted to try, to push for more, and he’d been horrified when he’d touched her and it had brought back the memory of what that swine, that filth had done to her.
He hadn’t known what to do to help her, but he’d needed to do something to calm her, so he’d suggested the first thing that had come to mind, which was for her to tell him what she wanted him to do.
The look on her face had told him the idea of doing that was terrifying for her, and he hated that it had to be that way. He could tell how difficult it was for her to even take that first step, and he knew it was unfair for her to have to constantly tell him what she wanted, but he’d known she’d be able to push through. He’d seen her strength time and time again.
After that first hurdle they’d had to jump over with her nerves, when she’d practically bolted from his office, clearly stunned at how strongly she’d reacted, at what she’d wanted to do, she’d surprised him with how insatiable she was, how eager she was to try, to learn, to discover what she liked, what he liked, what they both liked.
He still had the scratches on his back that proved just how eager and insatiable she was, not that he minded. Something had told him that she wouldn’t be so timid and shy in bed, but he hadn’t been expecting the teasing little vixen she was.
He hadn’t known how much he would enjoy teasing her, denying her, the way she’d teased and denied him, which, he was surprised how much he’d enjoyed that. Despite the frustration, he’d enjoyed seeing that side of her, that teasing, sultry side of her.
Never would he have expected it to be so arousing to hear her call him ‘Captain’ in that voice of hers. The one that had him imagining taking her in all kinds of ways.
He hadn’t known he could ever want a woman as much as he wanted her, but want her he did, and now that he’d had her, even though it had only been a week, he couldn’t get enough of her, and only hoped she felt the same. He knew no other woman would ever satisfy him, he knew he’d never want another woman the way he wanted her, he would never feel this way about another woman, whatever it was that he felt for her. No one else would ever be able to compare to her, drive him insane with the chaotic tangle of emotions constantly buzzing inside of him.
Wanting to see her, he let his eyes slowly open, and he couldn’t stop the smile that filled his face at the sight of her, fast asleep next to him. She looked so young, so delicate when she slept, yet he’d seen her strength, he’d seen it before she herself had even begun to realize how much of it she had. The contrast was intriguing.
Her brows were knit, and it made him want to kiss the spot between them, to see if he could smooth it. Her other hand was resting beside her head, curled up in a little fist. Whenever she held his hand, he was always surprised at how much smaller it was than his, though he could feel the strength in them, knew she was more than capable of anything.
He’d seen how capable her hands could be when she fought Uma, fought Derek, anytime she was outside the walls, and when she ruthlessly teased him, denied him. He’d imagined what it would be like to have her hands on him, had brought himself his own release at the thought of her hands on him, her mouth on him, to take her in all kinds of ways, but the reality of those soft hands on him, the reality of having her, was more than he could have ever expected.
He only hoped she felt the same.
He was relieved to see that she slept soundly, no signs of a nightmare. Those times where she’d screamed out in her sleep left him shaken, and he’d always been at a loss of what to do to comfort. That first one she’d had, where she’d screamed ‘don’t do this,’ had been the most horrifying thing he’d ever heard come from her mouth, despite knowing she’d still been stuck in her nightmare. After that one, he’d refrained from touching her until she asked him to, never wanting to hear those words come from her directed to him—even if she hadn’t known it was him—ever again.
He didn’t want to wake her, she looked so peaceful, but they would be leaving soon, and there was still much to do to prepare. He felt his own nerves at the upcoming expedition. Now that he was finally with her, he feared she would be taken from him, and that he would be forced to live with one regret for the rest of his life.
That he’d never made a move sooner, the way he’d wanted to, time after time, but hadn’t been certain it was what she wanted.
He brushed his lips across her forehead, her cheeks, and she shifted closer at the light touches, a sweet, content sigh falling from her. His hand came up to rest on the side of her face, thumb lightly brushing across the delicate skin. His eyes filled with amusement at the way she pouted as he pulled he from sleep.
“Come on, Isa, it’s time to wake up,” he whispered to her, lips brushing against her ear. It was always intriguing the way she shivered when he did this.
“I don’t want to.” Her sleepy voice was full of defiance. He’d never seen her unwilling to wake up. It reminded him of Isabel.
“Why?”
Her lips pouted even more, her full, lower lip sticking out, and it made him want to lean in and nibble at it. “Because the sooner I wake up, the sooner we have to leave.”
“True, but the sooner we leave, the sooner we’ll be back.”
She groaned. “You make a good point, oh wise one.”
He couldn’t help the chuckle. Something about her, being around her made him smile more, laugh more, made him softer, more affectionate. He didn’t mind at all if it meant seeing her smile, laugh, seeing the way her eyes would warm.
He flicked at her forehead, unsure what it was that made him do this, but always enjoying her reaction. “Don’t sound so surprised.”
He watched as those lips of hers quirked up in amusement. “Always so damn modest.”
Long used to the routine, but never growing tired of it, he gave her the response he knew would make her laugh. “Always a pain in the ass.”
She giggled. “Better than being a grouchy ass.”
He watched as she sighed and slowly opened her eyes. Amusement filled him at the way the defiance and her teasing side left her, replaced by a shy smile that filled her face, her lip caught between her teeth in that way that always made him want to lean in and taste.
“Hi,” she whispered.
He wasn’t sure what it was that made her more bashful in the mornings, but it was amusing in the most endearing way. And then those shy greetings she’d give him when she did something new, something she wasn’t used to, were always so amusing, when he knew how she could be when she was full of confidence, when her teasing side took over.
He loved every side of her he’d seen, and always looked forward to seeing other sides of her as he unlocked them, the sides of her only he got to see.
“Hi.” His voice was warm. Sometimes it surprised him how warm and affectionate his voice sounded with her. He hadn’t known he possessed the ability to sound this way. His voice only took this tone around her. He’d never even sounded this way around Furlan and Isabel.
Another sigh escaped her, full of reluctance. “I guess we should probably get up and get ready.”
“You would guess right.”
His heart stuttered at the way her face lit up in amusement. He couldn’t believe she actually thought she was plain, she was the furthest thing from plain, not even close. It made him want to seek out those assholes who had fed that thought to her for years.
Her eyes held him captive the way they always did, the early morning sunlight casting a gentle glow around her as it filtered in through the window, her hair wild and free from sleep. He wished he knew how to give her those soft words that he felt, the ones she deserved, but he didn’t know how. He’d never had those thoughts before, had only ever felt them around her. Whenever he tried, they only got caught in his throat.
When she brushed her lips across his cheek, he could do nothing to stop the tingles, the way his skin burned at the sweet touch. Such an odd feeling.
He only hoped she felt the same.
He watched as she rose and stretched, and he wanted nothing more than to drag her back underneath him and explore every inch of her. The way she reacted to the simplest of touches was exhilarating, arousing, relieving to know it wasn’t just him. All those soft touches, soft brushes of her lips on his cheek from before had always left him wanting more, still did.
When she walked over to the chair to grab her pants, he couldn’t resist. He rose from the bed himself, moving behind her so he could wrap his arms around her waist. He grazed his lips across the nape of her neck, relishing in the shiver he felt run through her, before resting his head against her shoulder. Sometimes he just couldn’t resist the urge to hold her, to remind himself that she wanted this as much as he did.
She turned her head to smile at him over her shoulder. “Meet with me later tonight, while I’m on watch.”
He didn’t want to let her go, but he knew he had to. He pressed his lips against her temple. “I’ll bring the tea.”
~ - ~
As he rode, his squad close behind, his mind cruelly moved from the happier memory and reminded him of what had happened the last time he’d left those he cared for alone outside the walls. The memory of Furlan’s mangled corpse and Isabel’s severed head flashed vividly in front of him.
No, I won’t lose her. I refuse. I’m not going to lose someone else. I will catch up to her. I will keep her safe.
He didn’t like the clouds that kept passing over the moon, making the land around them darker than it already was. He knew Isa and Hange had a theory that titans were inactive at night, but they hadn’t been able to determine if it was true or not.
He’d rather not have to deal with titans at night. Though, he had no doubt he could handle him. For some reason, his body always somehow took over in times where danger was present. He just didn’t want her to have to deal with them. Titans were hard enough to deal with during the day, at night they would most likely be impossible to deal with.
He couldn’t help but keep going back to the memory of that morning, the way it always felt waking up to her, it just felt so right. He didn’t know how he’d ever slept alone.
He’d told her that first night that he wouldn’t always be able to sleep with her, and that had been true. But most nights, he found himself drawn to sleep next to her, to hold her. There was something comforting about holding her, making it easier for him to drift off to sleep.
Ever since her nightmares had started, he’d been driven to sleep with her more, to hold her with the hope that she’d be able to sleep without nightmares, wanting to do anything he could to keep her at peace, to keep away the horrible images her mind tried to shove her way.
That morning he’d woken up before her, as he usually did. And like it had each time, his heart had clenched at the sight of her sleeping form, so peaceful, so warm, so right.
He still couldn’t believe that she wanted him, someone like her, so kind, so sweet. It shouldn’t feel so right, yet it did. Every morning he half expected to wake up and find that everything had been a dream, and they were only still just friends.
He still didn’t know what it was he felt for her. That old woman in the Underground had told him he was in love with her. But that just couldn’t be possible. He didn’t know what it meant to love, to be in love.
Someone like me just isn’t capable of feeling something like that…right?
He vaguely remembered the love he’d felt for his mother. Isa had said that he’d loved Furlan and Isabel. But what he felt for her was so different, something he’d never felt before.
Even if he did love her, he didn’t know how to love. He could barely tell her she was beautiful, hadn’t even really told her other than a pathetic ‘you are.’ Poetic words, the ones she deserved evaded him. He could never get them out of his mouth. Didn’t know how. Hell, he’d never even known he was capable of even thinking such thoughts until he’d become friends with her. All he’d been able to do was show her, or try his best to show her the things he wanted to tell her.
If I can’t even tell her she’s beautiful, how the hell would I tell her that…and that’s if I even feel that. I’m still doubtful that’s what this is. Doubtful that someone like me could feel something like that.
He could make out trees in the distance, knew he must be close.
Just hang on, Isa. Please.
The green flare had him breathing a sigh of relief. He knew immediately what she was trying to tell him, and he adjusted course in her direction, his squad following, needing to be with her, beside her, now, so he could keep her safe.
He had no doubts in her abilities, but right now, he needed to be there with her so he could make sure she stayed safe.
He didn’t know what he’d do if he lost her.
No, I’m not going to lose her. It’s. Not. Happening.
But as most things go outside the walls, the worst can happen at any time, when a person least expects it.
Not too long after he saw the green flare, a second flare fired.
When he saw the purple flare burst in the sky above the forest, his heart faltered, fists clenching impossibly tight on the reins, breath stuck in his throat. The blood was now roaring in his head, as he pushed Spartan for more speed, his squad following suit, no questions asked. None were needed after the emergency flare was fired, they understood the urgency even more so now.
No.
Not her.
Please. Not her, please.
I’m…I’m not ready. I…I still need her.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop needing her.
And in that moment, he knew.
~ - ~
As Isa made her way to the forest, begging Luna for as much speed as possible, memories of all her time with Hange flashed before her. The two had been through so much together. Had been friends since the first day of training.
Hange had been there for her, that day when those people from Mitras tried to force her to come back.
She’d told Levi about this, about how they’d found her, come after her.
What she hadn’t told him, what she’d been afraid to tell him, what she’d been too ashamed to say, was that she’d almost caved.
Back in Mitras, there had been times where she’d given in to their demands, their orders, their wishes.
She’d given in when it meant getting out of that damn room. After a week or more in that room, she was willing to do anything to get out, to get away from the dark, those tentacles of darkness making it difficult to breathe as they constricted themselves around her, suffocating her as she panicked, unable to regain control of her breaths until she passed out. There were times where she could still feel those tentacles squeezing around her, though it was rare.
She’d given in when it meant she’d get to eat. There were times where they’d withheld food from her for days until she did as she was told. She could still feel the phantom hunger pains, those pains that had come from not eating for days, and she’d felt so weak, so shaky, dizzy.
She’d given in when it meant they’d leave her alone, even if for just a few hours and she could get some peace. Those moments where she’d been able to read, escape into another world, or when she’d laid out on the ground and just watched the clouds go by, looking at all the shapes that passed by.
They’d wanted her to be something she wasn’t, something she didn’t want to be, had no interest in being. A perfect noblewoman. One who knew how to throw lavish dinner parties that threw out enough food to feed a small village.
One who knew how to lead a conversation about the nonsensical, frivolous happenings in Mitras.
One who knew that she was to speak only when spoken to when around men.
One who kept her opinions to herself, because men don’t want a woman who’s outspoken.
She’d tried to fight back, but there were times when she’d been weak, and caved.
She’d hated herself every single time she’d given in to what they wanted.
And she’d been so close to giving in again that day. If Hange hadn’t been there beside of her, supporting her, she would have.
Hange hadn’t even known anything about her past, and yet she’d still been there for her, held her after. She’d never asked questions.
~ - ~
It was about midway through their first year of training, the end of another hard day. She had just finished up ODM drills and was making her way to the mess hall with Hange.
She was listening to Hange share some new theory she had on titans. She honestly loved listening to her friend. The theories she came up with were always outlandish, yet, when she thought hard about it, they made so much sense.
An icy, bony hand grabbed her arm from behind, spinning her to face the owner, the memory of it wrapped around her neck filling her with fear.
The blood from her face drained, heart jumping to her throat when she saw who it was.
Martha’s scowl deepened at the sight of Isa, hair messy and sweaty from training, clothes dirty and wrinkled. “Enough of this nonsense, Isa. You’re coming back with us.”
Isa tried to pull away, could already feel herself beginning to cave. “N-no. I…I don’t want to.”
The grip on her arm tightened, and she had to fight back the urge to cry out, already knowing she’d have a bruise on her arm later.
Martha’s eyes turned cold, sending chills across Isa’s body. “It doesn’t matter what you want. You’re coming. Now. Either willingly or we will drag you back. Don’t make this worse than it already will be.”
Memories of that small, dark room filled her mind, knowing that if she didn’t come willingly, the punishment would only be worse. She could practically feel the tentacles of darkness wrapping themselves around her. So dark she couldn’t even see her hand in front of her face.
Hating herself for being weak, she caved, too terrified of what would happen if she didn’t. “O…ok.”
She turned and began walking back to the barracks to gather her things, fighting back tears, already dreading what would happen when she got back.
Hange called to her friend, following her as she walked. “Isa. Isa wait.”
There was a concerned tone in her voice, and if Isa had turned to her, she would have seen the fear in her friend’s eyes.
She ignored Hange, kept walking, tears filling her eyes at the thought of having to say good-bye to her, to Lucy, to Sherri.
She entered the barracks, walking over to her bed and began packing her things.
Refusing to relent, never one to give up, Hange grabbed Isa, gently turning her so that Isa could look at her, keeping her hands on her friend’s shoulders. “Isa, who are those people, and why are you going with them?”
Isa avoided eye contact with her friend, her shoulders slumping in defeat. “They’re the people who…took care of me growing up. They’re honestly horrible people, the worst I’ve ever known.”
Hange gently took Isa’s face in her hands, coaxing her friend to meet her gaze, and her heart broke for her friend when she saw the defeated, broken look in her eyes. “If they’re so horrible, then why the hell are you going with them?”
The tears in Isa’s eyes threatened to spill and she felt weaker than ever, no idea how to get them to just leave her be, to let her be free. “I…I don’t know.”
The need to protect filled Hange, determination coursing through her, brows knitting in irritation at those people. “I’m not letting you go with them, Isa. I don’t trust them. You don’t have to tell me what happened in Mitras. You don’t have to tell me anything unless you’re ready. But I’ll be damned if I let my best friend go back with people she doesn’t want to be with.”
Isa’s eyes widened, hope filling her at Hange’s words. “I’m…I’m your best friend?”
A soft smile filled Hange’s face, the love she felt for her friend filling her. “Of course you are, Isa. And I’ll do whatever I need to do to make sure you stay.”
Overwhelmed with emotion, the only time she ever felt comfortable showing affection, she threw herself at Hange, wrapping her up in her arms. She’d been afraid that Hange didn’t consider her a best friend.
She had Lucy and Sherri, but Hange had been her first friend. The first person to act like she cared, the first person to treat her as if she mattered.
Something about the moment, about Hange’s admission was filling Isa with the slightest hint of something she’d never felt before.
She had something keeping her here. Her desire for freedom, and her best friend.
Something took over her, taking control, leading her actions.
She marched out of the barracks, back out to those people, refusing to go back with them, refusing to be put back in that hell again.
She glared up at the two of them. “I’m not going back.”
Martha raised an unimpressed brow at the show of defiance. “Isa, don’t be ridiculous.”
Isa’s arms crossed in front of her, chin lifting, hatred and disgust filling her eyes. “I’m not going back. You can’t make me. I can bring you both down. Leave now, never talk to me again, and I’ll keep your secrets."
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Despite the denial, Isa could see the flash of fear in Martha’s eyes, and in his. “The things you’ve both done, the things you both do. I’ll spread them all around Mitras. You’d be finished. You’d never get over the shame. So leave me be, and your secrets stay safe with me.”
She could tell they knew she meant what she was saying, that she wouldn’t hesitate to make good on her threats. They knew that if they didn’t leave her be, that would be the end of their social standing in Mitras. And for the rich, their social status was all they had.
Martha turned to her husband. “Let’s go Charles. We’re finished here.”
With a final, disdainful glare shot towards Isa, the two left, and she could feel that feeling fade, leaving her with the reminders of all the things they used to tell her, all the things they had done to her. Tears were beginning to prick in her eyes, and she needed to get away before she burst into sobs in front of Hange.
She tried to walk away, but Hange was too fast, pulling her into a tight hug.
Hange stroked at Isa’s hair, never one to shy away from taking care of someone else. “It’s okay, Isa,” she murmured. “You can cry in front of me. It’s okay to break. I’m not going anywhere.”
She wasn’t used to affection, and she wasn’t sure what to do. Her own shaky arms came up of their own volition to wrap loosely around Hange, and it was as if a piece of her unlocked, one that had been hidden away for years, allowing her to clutch tightly at her friend as the tears streamed down her face.
That moment was Isa’s first taste of being comforted, of being shown affection since her parents had died.
~ - ~
She wiped a stray tear from her face that had trickled out of her eyes at the memory. She’d spent so long thinking she’d never be able to make any friends, and Hange had been the first to openly tell her that she considered Isa her best friend. She remembered that first day of training, when the two had sparred together, how Hange’s energy had been so contagious.
She hadn’t told Levi any of this, how she’d almost given in, because she’d been embarrassed, ashamed at how close she’d been to willingly going back with them.
She wasn’t sure what it had been, why she’d felt the urge to comply. She’d been terrified of how long they would shove her in that dark room if she didn’t go with them, but it had also been something more that. Almost as if she had been conditioned over the years to listen, despite the battles, the arguments.
If it hadn’t been for Hange, Isa would not be where she was now. She would never have finished training. She never would have joined the Scouts like she’d dreamed. She never would have met Levi.
She would be back in Mitras, alone and miserable, and would have probably lost all will to fight, finally giving in to what they wanted, sold off to some horrid nobleman like Derek who would treat her like dirt, wouldn’t care what she wanted. She would be living a life she’d never wanted.
So much of where she was now, was thanks to Hange, not just for being there for her, but for saving her, countless times.
Hange had been the one leading the group to rescue her when she was kidnapped by bandits during a wilderness training exercise.
~ - ~
They were midway through their second year of training, and the cadets had been split into groups for wilderness training.
Isa was in one of two groups tasked with a trek through the desert. Each group would follow a path, meeting the other halfway, providing information to the other group on what they would come across.
She’d been relieved when Hange, Lucy, and Sherri were placed in her group. Derek was there, and without her friends, she wasn’t sure what she would have done. She always got this uneasy feeling from him, would catch this odd glint in his eyes that always set her on edge.
She didn’t like the way he watched her, the way he looked at her. But sometimes, it felt as if she were imagining things. She didn’t know why she felt as if there were something off about him.
For the training, she had been tasked as the record keeper, writing down what they came across as they moved, everything each cadet did, their reactions, what they said, what they did, everything.
“Hange, I’m so hungry.” Lucy’s voice came out as a whine, never having been one to enjoy going long without food.
Hange’s eyes filled with amusement at her friend, at the almost childish complaint. It hadn’t even been that long since they’d last eaten. Lucy was just always hungry. “We all are Lucy. I’m sure we’ll be there soon.”
It took almost the whole day to get to the forest that neared the midway point, where they set up camp for the night, building a fire to keep themselves warm, passing around ration bars.
As they sat and ate, a group of bandits surrounded them, kidnapped Isa and stole the cadets’ gear. They were helpless to defend themselves without their gear. Besides, the group felt as if they were no match against the thieves attacking them.
She could see the fear in her friends’ faces as she was taken away, but as she looked at Hange, a fierce look of determination she had yet to see from her friend filled her face, fists clenching in anger at the attackers.
That look gave her hope. She would trust in her friend to get her back, and she would try to help, though, she wasn’t sure how much she would be able to help.
They stuck her in the back of a wagon with one of the other bandits to watch over her, make sure she didn’t get into trouble.
He got up close, and she could smell his breath, the stench of stale cigars and whatever he’d had for lunch had her fighting back the urge to vomit.
He let the blade of his knife rest flat against her cheek. “Well aren’t you a pretty little thing? We know some people who’ll pay for a nice time with you. Then again, if you’re nice to us, we may just keep you.”
She thought to herself, ‘Why is it that I’m only ever called pretty by creepy, old men? That doesn’t exactly help my confidence.’
She forced words out of her mouth, though they wavered with nerves and fear. “N-not even in your d-dreams, asshole.”
He laughed, dragging the knife’s spine against her face. “Is that supposed to intimidate me? I could cut up that pretty little face, and no one would ever want you, and you’d be left with only us, and we’d put you to good use.”
That set her spine straight, her eyes flashing, chin lifting in defiance at the crude suggestions. “Not even if you were the last man in this world.”
His face twisted at her words. “Bitch.” He slammed the butt of his knife against her temple, and her world went black.
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she felt someone gently shaking her. She groaned, the throbbing in her temple was almost too much to bear, and she was tempted to let the dark pull her back on.
“Come on, Isa,” a familiar voice called to her, “all the way. Open your eyes for me.”
Her eyes fluttered open, and she met Hange’s worried gaze.
Another pained groan escaped her as she sat up, rubbing at her pounding head. “What the hell happened?”
Hange’s arm came around Isa, supporting her as she sat. “After you were kidnapped, we came up with a plan, and managed to take out the wheels of the wagon. We had gotten gear from the other group, and managed to overpower these idiots.”
Isa’s eyes widened at the risks the group had taken for her. “I...I can’t believe you all risked your lives to save me.”
Hange drew her friend in close, relieved that her plan had worked. “Well we weren’t about to abandon either of you, Isa. You know I’d never abandon you.”
Overwhelmed with love for her best friend but unable to say it, she wrapped her arms around her best friend, Lucy and Sherri joining in.
Tears filled Isa’s eyes at the thought that she had three friends who actually cared for her. She’d never thought she’d be able to make friends, and yet, here she was. These three had accepted her as she was, didn’t mind that she wasn’t always the most open, didn’t mind that she had trust issues. With their help, she was slowly learning how to trust, how to have faith in others.
“You guys are the best,” she said, voice thick as she struggled to speak through the lump in her throat. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
~ - ~
There were times where she still struggled to believe that her friends had risked their lives to save her. She would have done it for them without hesitation, would still do it, obviously. At the time, it had been mind boggling to think that she had people who cared about her enough to actually do something like that.
Walls how I miss Lucy and Sherri. I wish they were still here.
She’d often wondered if the thieves attacking the group had been part of the training, but she’d never had the chance to ask the instructor. She didn’t think she would have gotten an answer, even if she had asked.
How many times has Hange been there for me, each and every day, during training, both as cadets, and as Scouts, even at night when we all shared a room?
Yet, I couldn’t even be bothered to be there for her after our failed meeting with Erwin.
Is this my fault?
She knew she’d woken Hange on multiple occasions with her nightmares all throughout training, and after they’d joined the Scouts as well. Each morning when she woke up with Hange beside of her, she’d known that she’d had a nightmare the night before, and Hange had come up to her bunk to comfort her.
~ - ~
It was nearing the end of her first year of training, and she was slowly awakening. Her eyes fluttered open, the early morning sun filtering through the window pulling her from sleep.
She took in the sleeping form of Hange beside her, and she knew immediately that she’d had a nightmare the night before. Guilt filled her at the thought, hating that she’d interrupted her friend’s sleep.
She gently poked at her friend’s shoulder, and she watched as Hange’s eyes fluttered open, hazy with sleep.
For some reason, the mornings following one of her nightmares was when Hange was easiest to wake. It was always a struggle to pull Hange from sleep, and Isa had started resorting to dumping a bucket of water on her friend, yet, mornings such as these, Isa had no trouble at all in waking her.
A guilty look crossed her face. “I had another nightmare didn’t I?”
A yawn escaped Hange as she nodded. “You did.”
Her frown deepened, hating that she’d inconvenienced her best friend. “I’m sorry it woke you.”
An amused look came across Hange’s face as she laid a comforting hand on Isa’s shoulder. “Isa, you don’t have to apologize every time this happens.” She squeezed Isa’s shoulder affectionately. “I don’t mind coming up here if you need me. I know you’d the same for me. You’re my best friend, and best friends are there for each other, always.”
Isa’s lips curled into a soft smile, not knowing what she’d done to deserve a friend like Hange. “Thanks, Hange. You always know what to do to make me feel better.”
A sly look came into Hange’s eyes, knowing exactly how her friend would react to her next words, needing to wipe away that guilt that she could still see in Isa’s eyes. She didn’t understand why Isa thought it was inconveniencing for her to comfort her. Friends supported each other, no matter what. She could tell that Isa most likely hadn’t had the best experiences with friends, though she still knew fairly little about her past.
Her voice held a teasing note as she spoke. “Besides, we need you well rested if we have any hopes of you making the top ten.”
Isa scoffed, having no desire in making the top ten. “You know I could care less about making the top ten. I have no interest in joining the Military Police. I just want to do the best I can to make sure I’m prepared for whenever we join the Scouts.”
Relief filled Hange when she saw the guilt get pushed away by Isa’s detest for the Military Police. “I know, but I also know you have a shot at making the top ten. I know you don’t see it, but you’re really good, Isa. I know you’ll make it, even if you aren’t trying.”
~ - ~
Isa knew, without a doubt, that Hange had crawled into bed with her each and every time she’d had a nightmare. And she’d always woken up feeling more refreshed than ever, almost as if Hange’s presence had been enough to help her sleep through the night.
Even after Lucy’s death, Hange had tried to support Isa, knowing how broken her friend was, despite her own pain and sorrow. Sherri had tried to drive a wedge between them, but it hadn’t been able to hold.
Hange had done her best to make time for Isa, and Isa knew Hange had hated leaving her best friend alone, torn with what she should do, torn between two friends, even if one had told her to stick with the other.
She’d always made it clear to Hange when she could that she understood, that she knew Hange didn’t want things to be this way. She just didn’t want Hange to have to choose, so Isa had made the choice for her.
~ - ~
It was about a week following the death of Lucy. Most nights she spent up on the roof. She missed Lucy, missed Sherri and Hange. She’d grown accustomed to having people who cared about her, to having friends, that she’d forgotten how lonely it felt to be completely alone.
She hated this feeling, it reminded her of all the things that had happened in Mitras, how she’d had no one, reminded her of that dark room.
It didn’t help that she kept seeing Lucy’s death play over and over in her mind, how she could have helped her, saved her friend, but she’d been too useless, too weak, too pathetic. She didn’t deserve any of their friendships. This was her punishment, she deserved this pain, she deserved to be alone. She didn’t deserve love or friendships.
If she’d been stronger, faster, Lucy would still be alive, and Sherri wouldn’t hate her.
It was all her fault.
Lost in thought, she didn’t her the light footsteps coming up behind her. She jumped when she felt an arm drape around her shoulders.
She turned her head and was surprised to see Hange sitting beside her. Ever since her argument with Sherri, Sherri had done her damnedest to keep Hange away from her.
Hange gently brushed away tears she hadn’t even known were falling. “I’m sorry, Isa.”
Her eyes welled further, and she tried to give her friend a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Hange.”
Hange’s own eyes watered, filling with guilt that her best friend was alone and suffering. She knew that Isa blamed herself for what had happened, even though it wasn’t her fault. She felt as if was failing Isa, her best friend, her sister. “But I do, you need me.”
She sniffled, trying to hold back the tears, but more were trickling through, which she quickly brushed away. “It’s okay, I don’t want you to have to choose between me and Sherri, so I’m making the choice for you. Sherri needs you more. She knew Lucy longer than me.”
Even she was having trouble believing the words. She needed Hange too, dammit. She just didn’t want to admit it, didn’t want to make Hange feel any more guilty than she knew she already felt.
Hange pulled Isa into a fierce hug, and the dam broke.
Broken sobs fell from her, the sweet comfort Hange gave her breaking through her walls. “Hange, I don’t know what to do.”
Her own arms wrapped tight around her friend, clutching at her, needing a reminder that she wasn’t alone, even if it still felt like she was. “Sherri hates me now, and I don’t know how to get her back. It hurts.”
She was having trouble speaking through the heaving sobs, her voice muffled from where her face was pressed into Hange’s shoulder. “I lost Lucy, and now I lost Sherri too. And I know you say it wasn’t my fault, but it feels like it was. I was right there, Hange. Right there. I was so close. I could have saved her, but I was too slow, too pathetic, too weak.”
Hange pulled back, taking Isa’s face in her hands, refusing to let Isa believe for even a second that she was any of those things. “Isa, stop.” Her eyes were more serious than Isa had ever seen. “You are not weak. You are not pathetic. These things happen, and we all knew what we were signing up for.”
A weak smile filled Isa’s tear-stained face. “I know, I just didn’t expect to lose someone in the first expedition.”
Hange could tell that Isa still didn’t believe what she said, and she didn’t know what to do to break through to her. “I know, Isa, I didn’t either. If you say you’re okay with me staying by Sherri, then that’s fine. But Isa, I’m here for you too. If you need me, you need to say something, tell me. I honestly don’t know how long I can take Sherri acting this way.”
She sniffled, feeling a little better with some time with her best friend. “I’ll try, Hange.”
Hange draped an arm over Isa’s shoulder, drawing her small friend, her sister, close against her side. “That’s all I can ask for, Isa. Just don’t forget, you’re my best friend, and I love you.”
She wanted to tell Hange she felt the same, but she always struggled to get the words out, yet, it was always as if Hange understood. Hange was the one person who seemed to understand her completely, even more than Lucy and Sherri had, understood that she struggled with emotions, with affection, with friendship.
She let herself move closer to her friend, resting her head on her shoulder, enjoying the time she had with her best friend, not knowing when she’d be able to see her again outside of training. “I won’t, Hange.”
~ - ~
When Hange had decided she’d had enough of Sherri’s behavior, Isa hadn’t been able to hold any resentment towards her friend, not when she’d been the one to tell her to stay with Sherri in the first place.
It had been a lonely time, one of the loneliest in her life. She had finally known what it was to have friends, and to have it taken from her, it had left feeling even more lonely than ever.
And then, after she’d forgiven Sherri, Hange had been livid, not understanding how Isa could forgive her so easily.
~ - ~
Isa could tell that Hange was not happy with what she’d just told her.
It was rare that Hange became irritated with her friend. She didn’t know if she could forgive Sherri after the things she’d said, the things she’d done. And Isa didn’t even know what Sherri had said behind her back.
Her arms were crossed in front of her as she glared at her best friend, still having trouble believing that Isa had forgiven Sherri. “Isa, did you forget how she treated you? How the hell did you just forgive her?”
She understood where Hange was coming from, she wasn’t sure what it said about her that she’d forgiven someone who had treated her so cruelly.
Her chin lifted in defiance. “You didn’t see her, Hange. I’ve never seen her so broken. Besides, I’ve lost too many people. Lucy, Furlan, Isabel. I’m not losing anyone else if I can help it.”
Hange’s brows furrowed. “I get that, Isa. But she treated you like shit. Dammit, she told you she would have preferred that you had died.”
The memory of that still stuck with her, the wound having cut deeper than anything she’d ever felt. “I know, and that still hurts. But I’m not going to let that ruin a friendship. She’s one of my best friends. I’m not going to lose all those years of friendship.”
Hange threw her arms up in exasperation. “She was willing to! She was willing to throw it all away!”
It was even more rare for Isa to feel frustration Hange, or more so, to show it. She was always afraid that she would say or do something to lose her friendship, but it was times like these that truly tried her patience. “I know Hange. I’m not saying she deserves to be forgiven, but dammit, it’s my choice whether or not I forgive her.”
That seemed to break through to Hange, eyes widening in realization. She blew out a breath, cheeks puffing out, her frustration leaving her as she did. “I…you’re right, Isa. It’s your choice. If you want to forgive her, I…I’ll support you. Just know, if she ever pulls this shit again, I’ll never forgive her, whether or not you do.”
She smiled, relieved that her fight with Hange was over. “And that would be your choice. You don’t have to like it, I just need you to understand it’s my choice.”
~ - ~
At some point, Hange had been able to forgive Sherri, though, not without warning her that this was her second chance, and if she fucked up, that was on her.
Isa’s eyes were welling at the memories of her best friend, at the way Hange had always supported her, lifted her up, tried to help her see herself the way Hange saw her.
She had to push back her fear, fight back the tears, needing to focus now more than ever, but she was unable to stop her thoughts as they raced through her mind.
‘I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You’re my best friend, and I think the world of you.’
Walls, what did I do to deserve a friend like Hange?
What kind of friend would I be if I left Hange out here alone, without even trying to find her?
Yes, it was idiotic of her to do this.
Yes, it’s idiotic of me to follow.
But I know she’d do the same for me, without hesitation.
We’re best friends, sisters, and we’ll always be there for each other, no matter what
It was horrifying, riding outside the walls in the dark. The moonlight provided some light, but it wasn’t much, and she could see wisps of clouds in the sky, and there were moments where the moonlight dimmed, and it was even harder to see. She hadn’t had the chance to grab a lantern, so she only hoped she didn’t lose the light.
She knew it had been a bad idea to go out alone. She knew Levi was probably furious with her for taking such an unneeded risk. Furious with her for not waiting.
She only hoped he could forgive her.
If she survived.
Don’t think like that, Isa. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to survive and you’re going to see him again.
Was it really just this morning that we were lying in bed asleep?
~ - ~
She was floating, drifting, and it would be so easy to fall back asleep. Gentle, featherlight touches grazed her forehead, her cheeks, pulling her further out of sleep. The first thing she registered was the warmth of his body pressed up against hers, and she couldn’t stop the content sigh, or the way she snuggled closer to him.
His arm was still around her, holding her close as he always did.
She felt his hand against her face, the sweet touch of his thumb across her cheek, and she could do nothing about the way her lips pouted, not ready to greet the day.
“Come on, Isa, it’s time to wake up.” His lips brushed across her ear as he whispered, sending a shiver down her spine.
“I don’t want to.” She just wanted to stay here, lying in bed with him. She wanted to pretend that titans didn’t exist, that they led normal lives, that they were a normal couple waking up for a normal day.
“Why?”
She could hear the amusement in his voice, and she knew it was because it was so out of character for her to refuse to wake up. She could practically see the half-smile on his face behind her closed eyelids.
She could feel her lips pouting further, and she felt ridiculous and childish at the act, but she could do nothing to stop it. “Because the sooner I wake up, the sooner we have to leave.”
“True, but the sooner we leave, the sooner we’ll be back.”
She groaned, hating when he made a good point like that, somehow always coming up with the best answers. “You make a good point oh wise one.”
His chuckle sent a soft warmth through her, reminding her that she was the only one who got to see this side of him, that no one else got to wake up next to him, got to be held by him. He wanted her, and only her, and the feeling was exhilarating.
She only hoped he never stopped.
She felt him flick her forehead, and amusement filled her. “Don’t sound so surprised.”
She couldn’t stop the way her lips twitched at his words, at the act. He was somehow always able to make her smile, no matter what her mood was. “Always so damn modest.”
“Always a pain in the ass.”
She giggled, loving the words, always knowing he never meant them, loving the affectionate tone that filled his voice whenever he said them. “Better than being a grouchy ass.”
Another sigh escaped her as her eyes fluttered open, and she couldn’t stop the way her smile morphed into a shy smile at the sight of his blue eyes, full of warmth and affection. She still wasn’t used to waking up next to him, not as a couple.
There were still so many parts of their relationship that had her heart fluttering, stomach full of butterflies, despite everything they’d already done, despite all the new things she fantasized about doing with him.
She didn’t know what it was, but soft moments like these, left her full of nerves and shyness. She still sometimes had trouble believing that he wanted her.
She’d spent so long telling herself this would never happen, that he would never want her this way, that she still half expected to wake up one morning, back in her bed, and to find that all of this had been a cruel dream.
“Hi,” she whispered.
Her face flushed at the amusement in his eyes, at his breathless chuckle. She appreciated that he didn’t seem to mind her shyness, her nerves, if anything, he seemed to enjoy the way she reacted to him.
“Hi.”
The warmth in his voice had butterflies flapping their wings in her stomach. She was so used to the way his voice sounded with her, and it always threw her off whenever she heard his voice when he talked to other people. It made what they had feel even more special, knowing that only she brought out this side of him.
“I guess we should probably get up and get ready.”
“You would guess right.”
More amusement filled her at the teasing tone in his voice, lighting up her face and eyes. She was trapped in his eyes, the warmth in them holding her locked in place, unable to break away. There was no way for her to know that her eyes always did the same to him.
She couldn’t help but admire how attractive he was, how handsome he was. The way his bangs flopped over onto his forehead, ruffled and messy from sleep. His eyes were still slightly sleepy, though full of warmth, affection, amusement. His lips, so soft, so perfect, the way they were curled in a smile that only she got to see, making it feel even more special, sending her heart fluttering at the sight.
She leaned up, brushing her lips across his cheek, before rising, stretching the sleep from her muscles, unaware of the way he was admiring the way the sun cast a gentle glow around her, unaware of how beautiful he always found her.
She strolled over to where her pants were folded once again. She’d taken to sleeping in his shirt and a pair of his boxers, loving the comfort doing so gave her on the nights where he wasn’t able to sleep beside her.
She couldn’t stop the affectionate smile that filled her face when she felt him wrap his arms around her waist, chest pressed up against her back. She shivered when he pressed his lips to the nape of her neck, before letting his head rest on her shoulder.
She turned her head to smile at him, heart stuttering at the softness on his face, in his eyes. “Meet with me later tonight, while I’m on watch.”
Tingles washed across her skin when he brushed his lips against her temple. “I’ll bring the tea.”
~ - ~
As she rode, guilt was filling her. Guilt for not waiting at Levi, for being the cause of that fearful look on his face.
Guilt for not being there for Hange.
Should…should I have pushed harder? Maybe if I’d pushed her to talk, then she wouldn’t have felt the need to go off on her own.
Dammit, is this my fault?
I really don’t want to go down that path again, but this is starting to feel like it’s my fault.
I can’t think like that right now. I’ll deal with that thought later. Right now, I need to focus on finding Hange.
She fought back more tears as she pushed Luna for more speed, desperate to get to the forest, find Hange, and get back. Erwin had been right in that their theory had been just that, a theory. They had no way of knowing if titans were actually inactive or not.
Just because she hadn’t come across any titans, didn’t prove that theory. There were times where they didn’t come across titans during the day.
When she arrived at the forest, she leapt off Luna, needing to travel by air now.
She gave the mare a light stroke on her muzzle. “Stay close to me, I might need you.”
Luna nickered, as if saying she’d never leave Isa alone.
She was unsure of where to start, not sure which direction she should go, all she knew, was that she wouldn’t stop until she found Hange.
She zipped through the forest, searching the trees, the ground below, looking for any sign or hint that Hange had been nearby.
More memories flashed in front of her as she flew.
The way Hange had held her at Lucy’s grave.
The way Hange could talk about anything for hours and hours.
The way Hange had accepted her without question, without hesitation
The way Hange had never pushed her to talk about her past, waiting for Isa to come to her.
She had to fight back more tears as she flew, needing to stay completely focused, not wanting to miss Hange, or worse, a titan.
And that’s when she saw her.
Her heart stopped, breath stuck in her throat, when she saw Hange, her unmoving form on a branch in one of the trees.
“Hange!”
She landed on the branch where Hange lay, heart now slamming in her chest, hands shaking as she approached.
Her trembling hand reached out to her best friend’s neck, and a shuddering breath escaped her when she felt a heartbeat. She checked Hange’s body for injury, and when her hand brushed across the back of Hange’s head, she was horrified when her hand came back wet with blood. Hange had clearly injured her head somehow, though it seemed that was her only injury.
She had to let her head rest against Hange’s shoulder, needing to collect herself, needing to stay together until Hange was safe.
Your best friend needs you. She’s always there for you, it’s time for you to step up and be there for her.
She pulled Hange up, sheer adrenaline and determination giving her the added strength she needed, allowing her to bring them both back to the ground. There was no sign of Hange’s horse, but there wasn’t time to look for her. She needed to get back, now, before her luck ran out.
At Isa’s command, Luna got down on her knees, allowing Isa to drape Hange’s body across her back. She pulled some rope from her satchel, securing Hange to Luna, making sure she wouldn’t fall as they rode back.
She shot off a green flare in the direction of where she’d be going, that way if Levi was near, he’d know she was successful in finding Hange, and he could meet her on the way.
She needed him, now more than ever. Her confidence was wavering. Each passing moment was just another chance for a titan to appear out of nowhere. She felt more confident in her skills, in her abilities, but alone, outside the walls, in the dark was dangerous, and she was starting to feel the slightest hint of regret at not waiting for Levi. The only thing that kept her from fully regretting her decision, was her best friend’s unconscious form.
She hopped onto Luna, and nudged her into a gallop, eager to be back with the rest, eager to reunite with Levi. Luna raced out of the forest, sensing the urgency, knowing she needed to get Isa and Hange back to base, fast. They pulled further and further away from the forest, and Isa could only hope they would make it back without a problem.
But as most things go outside the walls, the worst happened.
She felt it first, and when she looked behind her, she saw a group of fast-moving titans coming out of the forest, closing in, faster than she’d ever seen.
Shit. Are all of them abnormals? How is that possible? Where the hell did they come from?
I…I can’t outrun them, these are too fast. They’re catching up.
How are they so fast?
She did what she had to do.
She pulled out a flare gun, firing off a purple flare before calling out to Luna. “Get Hange back to base. As fast as possible.”
She could tell Luna didn’t like the idea of leaving Isa alone, but she leapt off the mare, leaving her with no choice but to continue.
She stood, determination filling her as she drew fresh blades, watching as the titans in the distance came closer.
Come and get me assholes. I won’t let you bastards near her. I’ve lost too many people to titans.
I refuse to lose someone else.
Not if I can help it.
She knew it was an even worse idea to face off against titans without a horse, but she hadn’t had a choice. She couldn’t wait for the titans to get close without risking Hange. She had to trust and hope that Levi was nearby, that he’d seen her flares. She knew he wouldn’t have taken long to gather his squad.
Her hope and trust in him were fueling her confidence, her determination.
The titans drew closer, and she counted seven. Their smiling, blank faces had her skin crawling, worsened in the dark. Something about the darkness made their grins more sinister, more evil, eyes and teeth glinting in the moonlight, and she couldn’t help but wonder how many people these titans had consumed, both Scouts and citizens.
The sound of hooves registered in the distance, growing louder as they grew closer, and she aimed to fire her hook at the nearest titan. But when she clicked the button to activate, her heart sank when the worst thing that could happen to a Scout outside the walls, happened to her.
And here is my final fic for my Kinktober 2021 series! I have to say, it’s been a lot of fun writing these 4 fics sporadically for you guys! But of course, I had to end off with my precious Levi! (I mean, how could I not?) This fic is probably my personal favorite, and also the one that’s most different from my other ones. This is considerably darker than some of my other fics, because it openly deals with prostitution and sex work from Reader’s perspective. More will be explained in the warnings below!
The prompts for this fic were prostitution and first time, and it ended up being one of the most self-indulgent fics I’ve written in a long time. But I hope you enjoy reading about our favorite boy Levi. And thank you so very much for reading my fics for Kinktober this year! It means the world to me!
Fandom: Attack on Titan
Pairing: Levi x Reader
Words: 6.2k
Warnings: 18+ only (minors please DNI), NSFW content, ACWNR Levi (and Underground setting), prostitution/sex work, fears of first-time sex (from Reader’s POV), brief mentions of abuse (of other characters, NOT of Reader and/or Levi), brief mentions of unwanted attention (suggestive looks, etc. - NOT from Levi and/or Reader), virgin Reader, oral sex (both male and female receiving), pet names, dirty talk, vaginal sex, multiple orgasms
-
The streets are quiet tonight. A light breeze flutters through the skylight of the surface above. A single lantern hangs above the door, its flame flickering steadily. Hushed voices fill the air; a few seconds later, the familiar sound of bed springs reaches your ears.
You grimace and turn away from the window. It’s the same noises, over and over again, every day and every night. You’re still not used to them, but you suppose you should be. You’ve been working here a week, after all. Little things like that shouldn’t bother you anymore.
The madam calls you lazy, for not earning your keep yet. The other girls call you one of the lucky ones, for not being tainted yet. Their eyes are dull and sunken in, both from hunger and depression, of repeating the same cycle over and over each day. Their faces haunt you at night, when you manage to get a few hours’ worth of sleep. But it never lasts—you wake up gasping for air sooner or later, and the ongoing sounds of bed springs squeaking and headboards drumming against the wall keep you awake for the rest of the night.
The dress that covers your body (if you can even call it that) is torn at the sleeves and too thin to keep you warm. You wrap your arms around yourself and huddle close to the windowsill. One or two people pass by, hands stuffed in their pockets, mouths pressed in tight, hard lines. Some of them even meet your eyes, and either offer looks of pity or hunger. One man in particular licks his lips, and you find yourself crawling further and further away from the window.
You didn’t want this job, not in the slightest. But what better options are there in the Underground, especially for women? Brothel work may be considered low and degrading, but it still puts food on the table. It still gives you a bed to sleep in, and shelter from the cold breezes that roam the dark streets at night. At least here, you have a roof over your head and safety from the men outside.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t apply to the men allowed inside.
