LOOK AFER YOU - itafushi one shot
[ fluff and angst , light-ish angst , hurt/comfort , self guilt , itadori yuji needs a hug , kissing scars, there was only one bed , itadori yuji has ptsd , itadori yuji needs a hug , post-shibuya incident arc mentions of death , cross-posted on ao3 ]
this fic is inspired by the songs:
“look after you” by the frat
As Itadori got killed by Okkostu, there was only a single thought that ran through his mind, a thought that pained him to think about: he deserved this. He deserved to die. To be punished for all the lives he took in Shibuya.
That day will forever be deeply rooted in his soul. The screams and pain engulfed by the innocent people. The way Nanami and Kugisaki died right in front of him, and he couldn't do anything about. He hated himself.
He hated himself for being weak. For not being able to save those people.
He hated being weak because the strength he had wasn't enough to save them and how he has to carry that burden for the rest of his life.
He deserved this. And that is why he didn't give it his all when fighting Okkostu. He had no right to remain with a beating heart after stealing the innocent ones. He remembers it all so clearly. Nanami and Kugisaki.
I'm nothing more than a murderer!
I'm nothing more than a murderer!
I'm nothing more than a murderer!
The words burned his skin, feeding into his mind like a parasite.
The final words of Kugisaki and Nanami will be engraved on him forever.
He still remembers the small smile planted on her lips as blood splattered from half her face, painting Itadori in her red ooze. He wanted to give up.
They were both dead, and Fushiguro was gone. He couldn't do it, it was physically impossible for him to move on from this point.
He started to hyperventilate, his breath unsteady and out of control, his gaze falling on his blood stained hands. It was too much.
His knees gave out and he drops to the floor. He lays on his side and curled his legs to his chest. The broken sobs and the distant screams were all that played in his head on loop.
After this, the soul of Itadori no longer had the will to live.
He was so close to giving up but Todo arrived on cue. Like the universe heard his thoughts and send someone to stop it. But it didn't matter in the end because the damage was already done. The scars on his face earned from his fight with Mahito was a consent reminder of how weak he was.
He failed. He's a murderer. He deserved this.
The pain was finally gone, at least thats what he thought.
Instead of meeting face to face with permanent death like he expected, hoped. He jolts up, the side of his head throbbing in pain as he looks down at his hands.
The sound of fire crackles, heat surrounds him like a warm blanket. Okkostu is staring at him without a word, concentrating on Itadori like hes lost in thought before smiling in relief that Itadori is alive and well.
Confused, Itadori shifts away slightly. What was this dudes deal? Okkostu, who then started explaining that he had to pull an act on killing him and about the conversation he had with Gojo about protecting the first and second year students—specifically Itadori Yuji since he was due for execution.
Itadori clutched his shirt, feeling the warm pool of blood bleed through his fingers. He was beginning to question how he was alive and Okkostu, like he read his mind, explained that he used his reverse curse technique the moment Itadori's heart stopped to immediately heal him.
"You've faked your death before, they're bound to figure it out again but for now they believe your execution was carried." Okkostu explained.
But Itadori didnt want that. He didnt want his death to be fake again. He wanted the execution to be fulfilled—for real this time. He needed to ask, thats the least he could give up.
"Its not your fault," Okkostu said softly, like he knew exactly was Itadori was thinking.
"What happened in Shibuya. The power you shoulder isn't yours. It’s not your fault."
Itadori stares at him blankly, his body sagging in exhaustion. No, hes wrong. He closes his eyes and shakes his head as he tries to keep it together. He tries to believe the words Okkostu brought out but his guilt was stronger than that. That's not true, he thought. It is his fault.
"It doesn't matter who’s to blame or not.. i—" The words get stuck in his throat. Avoiding all eye contact, he swallows the lump thats preventing him from speaking. "I killed them,"
The words leave a harsh taste in his mouth, but its true. Okkostu doesn't get it. He wasn't the one who had to watch himself kill everyone without having control of his body. He's not the one who was weak. They were all gone. And Fushiguro—
"Itadori," a voice called out, more harshly than intended. Itadori tensed. He knew that voice all to well. The voice that soothed him. The voice that shielded him. The voice that reminded him everything will be okay as long as they were together and that the second they get separated the whole world begins to shatter.
The voice he didnt expect to hear again because he hasn't heard it since Shibuya.
Itadori forcefully shut his eyes. That wasn't real, he was only imagining it. Fushiguro wasn't here. He wasn't, he wasn't, he was—
A strong grip laid upon his forearm and only then did he allow his eyes to open and face the person behind him.
Itadori was at loss of words. Here in front him stood Fushiguro. Here he stood with that same stern expression on his face. Green eyes that glowed from the reflection of the campfire, his hair slightly messy like he didnt bother fixing it. God, he looks just as beautiful as the day he lost him.
"What are you doing? Lets go," he asks, trying to tug Itadori off the ground but he doesn't budge. He can't. He can't move on like everything's normal because its not.
"Fushiguro, i—" He looks away, refusing to let Fushiguro see him like this, to see him for the monster that he is. "I cant do this anymore.."
"Anything! I cant just move on and pretend like everything's okay, like its normal, like nothing happened. I killed people.." he nods subtly to himself like hes convincing himself its all true. "A lot of people… its because of m—"
"No stop. don't you dare put this on yourself."
Itadori bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to leave a bitter taste on his tongue. Okkostu, who was sitting down watching the scene unfold, shifted awkwardly before pushing himself up. "I'll give you two some space."
Silence falls between them as Okkostu leaves the two of them. Itadori is still avoiding eye contact, finding more interest on the debris covered ground.
Then, quietly, "It's because of us, Itadori. You cannot blame only yourself for this." Fushiguro reassured.
Of course he would say that.
Fushiguro sighs. He isn't good at this, reassuring and comforting people like this. Growing up he never really had to do it. Not even to Tsumiki. But that all changed when he met Itadori because he makes him want to try if he means Itadori wont do anything stupid. Rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, he takes a step closer to Itadori, kneeling down he can see the lines of art on him.
"Hey," Fushiguro says softly. His tone is different now, more quiet as he carefully reaches for Itadoris cheek, turning his head care painstakingly to finally meet his gaze. "You can't give up now because you want to."
"I couldn't save anyone, Fushiguro… I wasn't strong enough and i have the stupid scars that'll remind me of it." His voice breaks as he speaks but he forces it away.
"My goal was to save as many people as i can, and i couldn't do that. I failed," he looks back down.
Fushiguro hated seeing him like this because it wasn't true. Itadori was the strongest person he knew and if anyone could save people, it was him. But he knows the events of Shibuya left a permanent ache that not even he could soothe. "So start by saving me."
Itadori's eyes widen as he lifts head back up. Fushiguro traces the scar by the corner of his lips with the pad of his thumb. Itadori watches him, his eyes softening as he takes notice of how Fushiguro is looking at him like hes the most precious thing in the world to him.
Quietly, he asks, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Fushiguro meets his eyes. Those beautiful soft honey brown eyes that he loves so much. "Like what?"
"Like im worth loving…" Itadori shrugs.
“You are worth loving.” He replied
Itadori lingered silently. A part of him wanted to believe Fushiguros words but the voice in his head refuses to acknowledge it because of what hes done. Without a second thought, Fushiguro leans in and presses a gentle kiss to the scar across his face. Every bad thought Itadori had suddenly vanishing in its wake.
He closes his eyes, allowing himself to feel the pressure of his soft lips on him. Resting his hands on Fushuguro's shoulders, he leans his forehead against his. It was so quiet between them that the sound of their heartbeats began to merge into one.
"Am i not too much?" Itadori asked, barely audible that you could miss it if you weren't paying attention. He stayed still, his shoulders flexing, grip tightening on Fushiguros shoulders. He was scared of his answer.
Fushiguro shook his head almost too quickly. His hand snaked behind Itadori's head, fingers slipping into his bubblegum hair. Then, finally, "You're everything."
He reaches for one of Itadoris hand, holding it in his own as he turns his palm upwards and traces across his creases. Each line of his palm telling a story that Fushiguro wanted nothing more but to learn each one.
He was never an affectionate person. He didnt know how to love someone properly. But with Itadori, the act of loving became like breathing. Loving him became as easy as breathing. A nature instinct. And it was the same with Itadori. He loves Fushiguro so much that it became rooted in his soul. A sincere and silent promise between him and the universe that in every lifetime he would find Fushiguro.
And in every life time he would love him more and more. A binding vow.
"Listen to me, i don't want you to carry this burden by yourself. I'll carry it with you, forever."
Itadori knew better than to argue against him right now so instead he nodded in understanding.
"Good, now you wanna tell me why your shirt is drenched in blood?"
"Oh, I was sentenced to execution so Okkostu took that position so no one else did, but he did as in act because sensei told him to look after me, i guess."
"Okay… that doesn't explain why your shirt is bloody"
Fushiguro nods, humming as he took in the information. His eyes fall on Itadoris shirt before he makes a final decision.
“Alright,” he stood up and extends his hand out. “Come on, we’re leaving.”
"No," he shook his hand, pulling Itadori up on his feet when their hands interlock. "Not today anyways. There's a hotel nearby, we can stay there for tonight, get you all cleaned up. Can you stand?"
Itadori nods. He winces slightly from a sharp pain on the side of his head. Fushiguro helped him up and wrapped Itadoris arm around his neck while his hand snaked around his waist.
A night with Fushiguro is exactly what he needs right now. Walking out the room hand to hand, they run into Okkostu and informs him that they were be staying at a hotel.
The hotel wasn't far. Itadori had half of his body weight leaning on Fushiguro, his body heat giving his own comfort and warmth.
As the hotel came more into view, Fushiguro shifted his body to push the doors open and carefully making his way inside with Itadori.
Nearing the reception table, he leans on the counter. "We would like a room for the night."
The lady behind the desk nods and she scans the catalog book. "We have one available at 505, it's only one bed though, is that alright?"
Heat flushed on both Fushiguro and Itadoris face. One bed.
Itadori felt Fushiguros muscles tense underneath him. With his free hand that wasn't holding Itadori, he nervously scratched the back of his neck.
Swallowing a small lump in his throat, he spoke. "That's uh, that's fine…"
He received a confused look from the reception lady before shrugging it off. Pushing back on her chair, she grabbed the keycard that was assigned to room 505.
"Here you are," She extends her hand and Fushiguro took the keycard from her grasps.
He lifted the card up slightly. "Thanks,"
"I can walk on my own, Fushiguro," Itadori muttered.
"You sure? I don't mind helping you."
Fushiguro sighs and lets go of Itadori. As they make their way to the elevator, he kept glancing back on Itadori, making sure he's okay and still following.
He presses the button and the elevator doors open up shortly. Itadori steps in first, then Fushiguro. He presses the button leading to the fifth floor.
Itadori is quiet. Which isn't like his normal self and Fushiguro can tell that the events of Shibuya left an indescribable mark on his soul.
This is something that's forever going to haunt him.
Fushiguro wants to do something, anything, that'll at least take Itadoris mind off it but he's aware he can only do so much.
The elevator doors opens, the two of them leaving and walking down the hall till their room number comes to sight.
Fushiguro scans the the keycard, the door making a little beep sounds as it unlocks. He pushes the door open and waits for Itadori to walk in first before shutting the door.
Itadori stands awkwardly by the window, deep in his thoughts. Fushiguro, who was standing by the door, walks carefully behind him, placing a gentle grip on his shoulder.
"I'll go warm up a bath for you," Fushiguro says quietly as he lets his hand fall from Itadori. Itadoris eyes close from the sudden cold and emptiness that was once accompanied by Fushiguros hand.
Fushiguro enters the bathroom and turns on the faucet. As the water is filling up, he dips his hand in the water to feel if it's hot enough. He pushes himself up, wiping his wet hands on a nearby towel before calling out to Itadori.
The sound of Fushiguros soft voice broke him out of a trance. Slowly, he made his way to the bathroom, he was in no rush.
Fushiguro left the bathroom to give him privacy. Itadori then closed the door and gripped the corners of the counter, staring at himself in the mirror.
Staring at the monster who's staring back at him with a sinister smile.
He shuts his eyes tightly. There's no point in dwelling on it any longer, he knows that. And yet, all he sees when he closes his eyes are the faint memories of the pain he created.
He can't be alone right now, it's too much. He can feel how his chest tightens, how he's gripping the counters so hard that his knuckles are turning white, how his breathing became unsteady and hectic.
Itadori squeezes his eyes tighter in hopes it'll block out the noise, but it does nothing. Then, as if he sensed something wrong, Fushiguro knocked faintly on the door before peeking his head in. He enters and closes the door behind him.
"Itadori?" He placed his hand in Itadoris bicep, causing him to jump. He immediately relaxed when he saw Fushiguro.
Sighing, "Sorry.. Could you um.. stay with me?"
Fushiguro heart thrummed in his chest but he agrees due to the fact that he knows how hard this must be for him.
Itadori carefully strips off his shirt, eyeing himself in the mirror , taking note on how his skin still has the remain blood stains. He couldn't even look at himself. Not like this.
Fushiguro turned around as Itadori removed the rest of his clothes and sat in the bath. The warmth of the water spread throughout his body and calmed his thoughts.
Fushiguro carefully sat behind him and grabs a cup nearby. He fills it up with water and wets Itadoris hair, making sure to cover his eyes so water didn't get in them.
Itadori closed his eyes and sunk back into him. Fushiguro was always able to make him relax when the world went to chaos.
His body slowly but surely relaxed at the touch of Fushiguro. He washed his hair and bathed his back. The blood stains that were once there now vanished by the gentle hands of an angel.
They both stayed like that for a moment, letting all the tension from before fade away. Everything that happened in Shibuya and everything that will happen after this point on, none of that matters to Itadori right now.
Right now, in this very moment, the only thing that matters to him is that the love of his life is okay and in his grasp. Surely Itadori wouldn't know how to move on with life if anything had happened to Fushiguro.
There wouldn't even be a life.
Because in all reality, Fushiguro is his life.
And he would burn the whole world to the ground if life was cruel enough to take him away from him too.
Fushiguro grabs a towel hanging by the rack and gives it to Itadori. With a quiet "Thanks." he stood up and wrapped the towel around his waist.
"I have some extra clothes in my bag you can wear." Fushiguro said as he took out a pair of black sweatpants and t-shirt.
At the sight, Itadori couldn't help but smile a bit at the poor color options Fushiguro has when it comes to clothes.
He grabs the clothes from his grasps, his fingers brushing against Fushiguros in its wake.
He got dressed in Fushiguros clothes, his movements slow and weary. His gaze drops to the floor, suddenly he wants to cry. He wants to cry so bad.
Fushiguro turns to look at him, seeing how he's avoiding eye contact and how his lip trembles. His eyes soften momentarily as he cups Itadoris face. His cold fingers yet warm palm was enough to finally make Itadori look at him.
There was so much he was feeling right now, and he couldn't even begin to express it into words. But Fushiguro knew that.
He knew Itadori well enough to be able to read his emotions just by a simple glance at him.
He tugs Itadori into a hug and that's when he breaks. Everything he's been trying to keep in, he lets out. He soaks the shirt of Fushiguro with his sobs, gripping him so tightly to make sure he's real and not a fragment of his imagination.
He buries his face into the crook of Fushiguros neck, mumbling: "I'm tired, Fushiguro. I'm so tired…"
Fushiguro brushed his back hairs, something he knew always soothed Itadori when he panicked like this. He takes a deep breath, savoring his closeness. "I know, but it's okay. We don't have to exist to the world right now."
He pulls back just enough to see Itadoris face that was stained with glossy tears. Fushiguro still found him just as beautiful.
He leans in, pressing a gentle kiss on his forehead, then the scar in between his eyes, then the scar beside his lip before finally, their lips meeting in a gentle, slow kiss.
A small tear slipped from Itadoris eyes and Fushiguro immediately wiped it away with his thumb.
He broke away from the kiss, his hand snaking to lock with Itadori. He brings his hand to his lips, placing a small kiss on his knuckles. "Let's go to bed, okay?"
Itadori nods slightly, a subtle expression of vulnerability and they both slip under the covers. Fushiguro opened his arms wide enough for Itadori to fit into. They fit too well, almost like the universe created them just for each other and no one else. He pulled the covers over them and tangled his fingers in Itadoris pink hair.
Itadori shut his eyes. Being beside Fushiguro was always enough to calm him down. He knew that tomorrow they would have to return to Jujutsu high and talk to Tengen about the Culling Games. But right now, that wasn't important to him.
In this moment, for the first time in a while, Itadori Yuji was content.
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