Starry Oblivion

[starry-oblivion]

do you ever feel like you're not feeling enough?

[starry-oblivion]

Sexuality is Genetic

Guys, just to put it out there, I believe sexuality is genetic.

To elaborate, I think woman-loving and man-loving is more fundamental than the commonly used terms which also includes ones own gender in it, which I think is just weird. Gender is separate from sexuality. And it could be hereditary whether we are attracted to masc or femme or both or none. Kind of like two genes attracted-to-masc and attracted-to-femme being passed down and they form their own combinations. Also, same could be said for attracted or not-attracted two genes for the aces and aros.

(also petition (ಥ _ ಥ)👉👈to find new words for masc-loving and femme-loving (that includes all people anywhere on the gender spectrum) instead of heterosexual and homosexual? thats boring and confusing labels to fit into)

[starry-oblivion]

I haven't written in such a long time. And somehow, every time I think to, the words just disappear into the wind, flying away into nothingness. I sit and stare at art on Pinterest, slowly loosing my breath as I realise I'll never be able to make that. Writing is easier, you don't need anything special, just something to write on, and words to write. The latter is much harder to find, especially if your a perfectionist like me.

[starry-oblivion]

Broken Thoughts

I was going to write something. I had half an idea in my mind, a vibe that felt like lying on the middle of the road in the middle of the night, right under a fierce storm, and a couple lines I totally stole from one of the hundreds of things that inspire me. And I have actually forgotten what I was going to write about while writing this never ending line of messed up thoughts that all want to come out at once. I think it was something about forgetting my thoughts? Something about having an idea, and then losing that trail of thought to another in an endless cycle of unproductivity and self loathing. I start to write something, and then I start to question it. I read it again and again and I realise it’s going nowhere, kind of like my life. But that would be a weird thing to think of, considering all the dreams I am trying to pursue all at once. And before you all realise that this rant isn’t going anywhere either, I just have one thing to say, that I will have to think of right now.

[starry-oblivion]

Expression

It’s hard to believe people express themselves through their art. Because whenever I try, I end up with either a page whiter than the light shining right over my eyes, burning through my thoughts, or figures that could not possibly exist in our world, with all their disproportion, and their unsurety. If art is an expression of oneself, then I’m in trouble. That or I’m just incapable of expressing anything. Either way, I’m doomed to a life of explaining myself in words that mean nothing to me, through gestures that mean nothing to anyone else. I move my hands in hopes, that someone will follow the imaginary trail I create in the air, and finally see what I see in my mind. But all they see is a gibberish of language and a crime to movement. So I try to write instead, after having failed yet again to express myself with a black pen on a white page. But, oh what a twist of fate to have ended up with white words on a black screen, thinking that this would finally be the time I do something with my thoughts.

[starry-oblivion]

Cosmic Joke

It's killing me. This need to express myself, to express not my feelings, but whatever makes me feel calm, like something other than whatever it is we can see. Something surreal, like people dancing upside down, while the sky lays it head on the ground, for everyone to walk on; like cars driving on the twisting rings of Saturn, completely ignoring all common logic; like a life lived on the opposite end of reality, with everything where it’s not supposed to be, where it will defy all known laws of existence, just to give me a sense of calm and peace. I want to make things, amazing things that I know I can make, but this ask for money for every single service that is going to allow me to express myself, will be the death of me. I want to escape this world, run solely on numbers on a screen, or little brown pieces of paper in hand, and run away. Run away into one of those worlds, where nothing would be like it is here. Everything will be better. It will be better because I will make it so. If this is a matrix we are living in, it is totally fucked up. I could fix it, I know I can. But how do you hack reality? How do you hack those 4 walls of destruction that you call a universe, and come out to the other side, a free, living, breathing being of the cosmos? Is it too much to ask for, to make a reality of my own? Where I could bend rules to my own will, making it a much better place for everyone to live in? Is wanting to be god really that much of a narcissistic ask, if I know I will be good at it? Does knowing that make me a narcissist? In the world I create, it wouldn’t matter even half as much. In this world, everyone is bound to lose their potential, like an object falling downhill. That's just the law that's governing this reality: all objects tend towards a state of lower potential. Now isn’t that a cosmic joke on us all. The whole universe, in its primary state, tends towards disorder, and in doing so, fucks all of us with even a little bit of talent to show. It was made this way by someone sadistic, of course. Someone very, very insecure, who couldn’t handle the thought of their own creation beating them, of being better than them. And so I’m stuck here, in this world, with no hope of ever escaping.