it's den with a pen

sorry, english isn’t my first language.

[starryeyedmoon]

was feeling loved a placebo or a figment of my imagination? you did it so well—filling in silences, trading doubts with certainties; it drew an inclination within me to reciprocate the feeling.

[starryeyedmoon]

I fear that I am not built nor meant for romantic love. And this isn’t stemmed from pity for myself but an observable fact. I have tendencies to sabotage something beautiful, I was built for chaos and I’m meant to be the fuel for that chaos. I am sensitive and I don’t believe in beautiful promises, I’ve always feared ending up alone—but loneliness of my making in a relationship was the real nightmare. No amount of reassurances can persuade me into thinking I’m meant for even a fraction of a beautiful life.

I am not meant for relationships, I am simply made to wish I can handle one.

[starryeyedmoon]

To what extent will I exhaust my patience, lingering on begging to be loved, awaiting to be simply discarded. This is the love that found me, the love I let seep through my cracks. Do I demand too much? Is that it? Will asking for love blindly lead me to the dustbin?

[starryeyedmoon]

I have no idea how to deal with all this loneliness. Do I simply sit through its discomfort? Must I remedy it with another futile distraction? There is simply so much soundless space, and time is ever slower.

[starryeyedmoon]

I have no idea where the actuality of me starts, and the ocd in me ends. Are these separate, or are they both me? Are these really my thoughts, or are these something separable

[starryeyedmoon]

I used to trouble myself sleepless of the definition of love, I questioned its intricacies and complexities. Listed are criteria that were never met, and conclusions left open-ended. I never thought I’d willingly place myself in a position of wishing that only love was enough.

[starryeyedmoon]

There is a distinct sadness in my heart. It’s somewhere there, it’s expanding. I feel it deeply, I feel it throb, crack, pierce through. It is as bottomless as the ocean, I am lost in the trenches. The sadness is there, inhabiting my heart as though it has seeped through crevices and new cracks.

[starryeyedmoon]

Pain so conceivable, I feel it coming out my throat

[starryeyedmoon]

Leaving had to happen. And I just can’t grasp that.

[starryeyedmoon]

Is this what meeting halfway meant?

[starryeyedmoon]

What are your “why’s” in a relationship?

Why did I start something so beautiful, knowing I could not maintain it until the very end

[starryeyedmoon]

What if loneliness randomly dawns on me, and I couldn’t bear it

[havingapoemwithyou]

the city by C. P. Cavafy

[starryeyedmoon]

I don’t want it to be abrupt, having to step down from a pedestal—to be losing all benefits

[starryeyedmoon]

Is this how my imminent fall begins ?

[starryeyedmoon]

I know hunger like a long lost friend. When I was unkind to myself, it was kind.

[starryeyedmoon]

I have been my mother’s daughter for the last 23 years. Do you really think I cannot sweep an argument under the rug? I know emotional torture like a childhood friend, we’re basically family now.