captured time.

eric. NY. 29. this is turning into a personal collection of thoughts and pictures to look back on

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not sure why these last three weeks have been such a struggle. although i looked back on all most of my posts and see i haven't really changed as a person in 10 years i do know that things get better for a while. atleast knowing im down right now means ill be on the way up soon. although in a completely different context, at work today someone said "pigs get fed and hogs get slaughtered" and in a weird way it was what i needed to hear. i just need to keep it moving as mundane as it is. i cant greedy and try to drink cheat my way to being happy.

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im gonna loose it. i dont know how to escape this hell. its just me and this endless void; life. ive been alone my whole life and i cannot see that changing. im finally sober for 3 years and all thats done is taken away the only joy i had left in my life. you hear stories about people who finally get on the right track. ive done everything "right" steady job, car, place to live. but i haven't felt genuine joy since in years. maybe im expecting life to feel like when i was a kid and im just holding the bar too high, but it seems most of the time im just a miserable shell of a human. i feel like i have alot to give but im keeping it in to save myself from experiencing a let down. do things get better with a relationship or does it just give someone motivation to get through the day to day. are people actually happy or are they just motivated by their accountability. i have alot of people around me but i feel completely alone. i cant remember the last time ive hugged a person let alone had an intimate connection with someone. i feel like ive been so isolated in my own world that im not sure if im compatible anymore. i can fake it but it takes so much out of me.

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i always get so depressed this time of year. ive been stuck in a rut since i graduated highschool.

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im sober, im working, and im probably the most depressed ive been. atleast when i was drinking i had something to come home too.

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newest addition to my tent collection.

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shes all dressed up, it was -3 when we got back. im really glad she is doing good in the cold. my buddy wants to go tomorrow with his dogs too, but i really dont like my dog around the one female he has. shes nasty. i ordered new snowshoes and im gonna try to adapt the bindings from those to fit these ones. ive hated the way these strap on since i got them.

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my little creature sleeping. about to go on a night hike. its suppose to be -10 tonight

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laid off from work. atleast i have my buddy. still nothings changed. i might have a tinder date this week? i think i use tinder for entertainment more than anything because i dont think im built for that type of dating. i really want romance from friendship. i feel some kind of pressure because i feel like im getting to old and my personality is (possibly?) taking a dive from being in my own kinda world. idk i have a feeling my perspective will change once i put myself into a new position.

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well. this is the first time ive really been logged in for a few years. i read all of my previous posts and im actually surprised how little ive changed in time. finding happiness and purpose in life seemed to be my biggest worry after reading through my old “personal” posts. my goal has not changed but ive grown and learned a few things. i realize this feeling of angst is something to be used as a motivational force moving my life forward. without it i will just stall. i used to do everything in my power to avoid this feeling instead of embracing it; facing it head on.

i went down my darkest path to date. trying to numb myself by living my life behind a curtain of alcohol and self isolation.

i checked myself into a rehab back in january. not my proudest moment but i couldnt live much longer that way. 5/29/21

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got to my grandparents early for Easter. my grandfather didn’t know i was there and he was in the back playing organ. i just sat and listened for about a half hour.

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little did i know that was the last time id get to see him in his house.

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i haven't missed a day of work in 3 years but today idk if i can do it.

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got to my grandparents early for Easter. my grandfather didn't know i was there and he was in the back playing organ. i just sat and listened for about a half hour.

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whats the fucking point. make some money and die alone?

[autumn-fireside]

Sam Landreth

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me at work

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