What a life I might've known

Moira Rose Rogers-Barton, and that's all you need to know, darlin'. If you really want to know, you can ask. I died- it didn't hurt. But coming back did. ((Independent Avengers RP blog! Will RP with anyone)) M!A: N/A

[topreservetheunion]

starspangledarcher replied to your post: “starspangledarcher replied to your post: Abe. Hey Abe. Abeeeee. [She…”

[She smiles at him before running to and hugging him tightly, laughing.] Wow, you just automatically assume I did something wrong? Rude!

It’s a force of habit, I swear. [He chuckles, hugging her back.] Where have you been recently? I’ve been back for a while already.

[starspangledarcher]

Force of habit my ass, you just don't trust me! [She rolls her eyes.] Me? [There's a subtle change in the tone of her voice, the way she pulls away slightly.] Busy, I guess. 

[the-blackest-spider]

During her admittance that she was at a loss, Natasha had turned from Moira; put her back to girl to hide any emotion that may be shown. She still did that, she was still afraid to show how she was feeling and it was harder to mask it in her usual manners, but she turned back to her as she spoke, “It’s fine… it’s not the worst I’ve heard or will hear.” She promised, her voice quiet, “If you need to hunt then go, hunt, please. Do what you need to do.” A thought, an idea crossed the red head’s mind and her brows furrowed at it as she eyed the young blond woman, “I hope you don’t think I think any less of you because of what you have to do to survive because let me make it very clear, I don’t know matter what you do or don’t do you will always be my Niece, my Goddaughter Moira Rose Rogers-Barton.” 

[starspangledarcher]

"I hope it's the worst. I don't want anyone even hurting you." Moira looked down, ashamed. "It disgusts me," she whispered, voice trembling. "I hate the look on their faces. I hate myself. I sit in the shower afterwards and just cry. Sort of, I can't really- properly cry anymore." The girl looked up. "I love you, Aunt Tasha. And I'm sorry."

[topreservetheunion]

“Can’t blame me for forgetting, I’m old!” He shot back sarcastically. He took a seat near the edge of the couch, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “Anyhow…those of us that were turned after we died, we…we dream about our deaths. You’re aware of that. Those who were turned before death, like Henry, think sleep just feels like death. But we actually end up reenacting ours.”

[starspangledarcher]

"Old fart you are," she teased, smirking at him. Moira ran a hand through her hair at his explanation, nodding unhappily. It was terrifying to relive what had happened. "It- scares me. I swear I can still feel them ripping into me..." Unnoticed by her, one of her hands had moved, pressing against where the hellhounds had torn into her. 

[starspangledarcher]

“Don’t apologize anymore. A, it doesn’t change anything, and B, I said that I understood why you left, okay? I turned into a bitter jackass in the time you were gone. I’m pretty sure it would’ve happened no matter what!” Moira sat up, pushing her mop of hair back. “Just don’t, okay?”

[the-blackest-spider]

“I… don’t know what to do.” She finally said, at the end of the rope, she felt guilty and she would because despite what Moira was saying she believed that if she had been here maybe things would’ve been easier on the girl, she wouldn’t have been so alone with all of this. It had been a mistake it was one she now had to live with forever, “I can’t fix anything, everything is a mess and for once I just don’t know what to do.”

[starspangledarcher]

"Aunt Tasha..." Moira groaned. "I'm sorry. That was harsh, I didn't mean it. I've just been really wired up recently and I haven't gone hunting and it's making me really really irritated."

[starspangledarcher]

“Hey.” She snorted. “Bother me? You never bother me, idiot.” Moira gave him a quick hug. “Come in, yeah? Sit down.” She stretched, yawning. “Just a bad dream, that’s all.”

[topreservetheunion]

He smiled gently, stepping into Moira’s apartment. He hadn’t been back since the day he’d turned her - as far as he could tell, it was the same as it had been before the hellhound incident. “…Oh. Sorry, that was one thing Henry couldn’t have told you about, I didn’t realize until now. Anyone that was turned the way he was tends not to have those.”

[starspangledarcher]

"That would've been helpful, Abe." She shot him a look of mock frustration before flopping back onto the couch. "Sit down, yeah?"

[the-blackest-spider]

No matter how much she prepared herself, no matter how much she knew she deserved it and knew it was coming and would be for a while it still hurt. It still hurt to know how much she had hurt people; it was like some thousand pound weight upon her. She felt like she was suffocating and there was no way out of it, no surface to reach for. She had drowned herself and there was no one that was going to save her. It was one of those moments when she realized how alone, how cut off from everyone she had made herself because of the decisions she thought she had to make for everyone’s benefits…well for Thor’s and Loki’s. She had tried to be selfless and in the end it was anything but, “I… shouldn’t have left you in the dark. Just them. I should’ve just left them and kept in touch with you and a few select others.   Я был таким идиотом ( I was such an idiot).” 

[starspangledarcher]

"Don't apologize anymore. A, it doesn't change anything, and B, I said that I understood why you left, okay? I turned into a bitter jackass in the time you were gone. I'm pretty sure it would've happened no matter what!" Moira sat up, pushing her mop of hair back. "Just don't, okay?"

[the-blackest-spider]

“Oh.” Natasha sighed, “One more thing we have in common.” Even the Black Widow had had dreams of herself dying, of being killed usually it was Loki’s threat that had made long ago on the Helicarrier of Clint killing her in all the ways she feared, “There’s always a chance.” She agreed, “Just don’t give up on anything completely Moira don’t sell yourself short just because things are different.” And in that moment she realized she actually sounded like a Mom and it made her shake her head slowly, “Speaking of things being different… I think we’ve both changed a bit.” It was strange to realize quite frankly, but perhaps it wasn’t such a bad thing.

[starspangledarcher]

"Have you just noticed that now?" Moira gave her godmother the most skeptical look she could manage before flopping back down flat on her back. "Of course I have, I mean, really. I'm not human, you left without much explanation for god knows how fucking long? I mean, I totally understand why, but still."

[the-blackest-spider]

“What are normal dreams anyways?” Natasha sure as hell didn’t know, she’d never had normal dreams ever. The smile was nice to see, but she knew that the young woman who used to smile like that was no more in truth, “Maybe one day you’ll get to do it still.” She attempted to be optimistic, “And yes I can believe it, you’re still that same passionate person Moira. I know you are.”  

[starspangledarcher]

"Ones where I'm not dying a violent, bloody death, you know?" Moira propped herself up on an elbow, chuckling faintly. "We'll see, I guess. There's a chance." She shrugged. "Maybe in a hundred years."

[topreservetheunion]

Abe waited outside for a few minutes before he heard the locks of the door clicking. He frowned, worried as usual, when the door opened - Moira looked somewhat shaken. “Sorry,” He said, almost as a reflex, “I’m not bothering you, am I?”

[starspangledarcher]

"Hey." She snorted. "Bother me? You never bother me, idiot." Moira gave him a quick hug. "Come in, yeah? Sit down." She stretched, yawning. "Just a bad dream, that's all."

[the-blackest-spider]

Natasha sighed, it was the answer she expected but she had hoped she wouldn’t get. It was all too familiar to her, she had dreams of her own terrible past of memories she wasn’t certain was real and often kept her from sleeping period, “No, but Moira…it’ll get easier, better.” Granted she wasn’t a vampire, but she could relate, “You’ll learn how to deal with it all I know you will.” Because if she was truly this much like her Aunt/Godmother then she would indeed.  

[starspangledarcher]

"Hopefully. It'd be nice to dream normally again." She allowed herself a small smile, a flicker of the old Moira surfacing. "I used to dream about the stage. Could you believe it?"

[topreservetheunion]

Abe stood in front of Moira’s apartment, arm raised to knock on the door. He hesitated to knock - and had been for a few minutes and counting. He didn’t want to put Moira in danger, of course, but he also didn’t want to just leave her after he’d turned her and basically forced her to live the next century in darkness. Plus, she’d already agreed to come with him and Henry to the next safehouse they needed to inspect. He scowled briefly,  he’d been standing there long enough that his arm was actually starting to get tired. To hell with it, then - he knocked on the apartment door quickly.

[starspangledarcher]

Moira had been asleep again, sort of. She'd curled up on the couch a few hours ago to watch television, but her eyelids had drooped and her body had sagged and melted into the couch and she was out, brain tormenting her with the memory of her death. Small cries escaped her, hands twisting, gripping her blanket desperately. The knock woke her, the girl in a panic until she realized it was just the door. Trembling, she opened it. "Oh. Hey Abe." 

[the-blackest-spider]

In becoming what she was now, Natasha could see that Moira had become more cynical, which given all she had been through and dealt with made sense and the Widow understood and could relate to it. Because of that she wasn’t about to tell her to stop or to act any different, she accepted the fact that her Goddaughter wasn’t going to be the same person she was before exactly, the only thing Natasha had issues with was her sounding too much like herself, “Do you dream at all?” She inquired carefully and curiously.

[starspangledarcher]

"Hellhounds ripping into my bare skin, blood squirting everywhere, holding my guts in, dying in Archer's arms. That's what I dream about. I can't ever dream anything good anymore- I wish I could. Do you think I really like this?" She put a pillow over her face, groaning loudly. 

[starspangledarcher]

“I guess I can, if I remember. I’m forgetful.” Moira grumbled and flopped so she was face down on the couch, yawning into a pillow. “Didja know I can still sorta sleep? I don’t like to. It reminds me of dying.” 

[the-blackest-spider]

Natasha would take that, it was better than nothing and if need be she could always find Moira, after all she had found Abe. A brow arched as she talked about sleeping but how it seemed like dying, “That… makes sense oddly enough.” She stated aloud, “Are you tired… do you get tired?” 

[starspangledarcher]

"It does, doesn't it?" She shrugged faintly. "I can't tell the difference anymore, if I'm tired or not. Sometimes I'll just lay here, you know, and nothing. Sometimes I just drift off a little. I feel fine right now." 

[the-blackest-spider]

In a way, Natasha could relate to how Moira was feeling at present, she was anxious, antsy and wanting to do something. The red head had been there, for two years she had been there, but she had had to rely on her skill set to remain off the radar, so she hadn’t gone completely stir crazy, “Sounds like how missions from SHIELD can go at times.” She commented, “Just… let me know when you go?” Even though really she knew that she did not deserve that luxury as she had not done the same for her Niece.  

[starspangledarcher]

"I guess I can, if I remember. I'm forgetful." Moira grumbled and flopped so she was face down on the couch, yawning into a pillow. "Didja know I can still sorta sleep? I don't like to. It reminds me of dying." 

[the-blackest-spider]

“That’s an idea, but I can’t make that call.” If she could, she’d say to go for it, but she was not that was Fury’s call. She followed Moira into the living room, arching a brow as the girl vaulted over the back of the sofa and landed on it, “When are you going to go?” 

[starspangledarcher]

"I might as well take that up or something, that's all I'm good for." She took one of the pillows and pressed it over her face, groaning loudly. "I don't know, maybe later tomorrow? Next week? Who the hell ever even knows, you know?"

[idonthaveabrother]

[the-blackest-spider]

In listening to Moira, Natasha was hearing herself, hearing how she sounded at times. It was painful in a way and also eye opening at the same time, “I think you’re handling it better than you realize.” It was an honest statement, not made to cater to or anything such as, “Personally from what all Abe told me, SHIELD playing nice with him and his buddy would prove beneficial, especially if some huge uprising ever happened.”

[starspangledarcher]

"Well, then call me a damn messenger pigeon. It'll give me something else to do!" Moira turned on her heel and moved to the living room, launching herself over the top of the couch and flopping onto it.