I Can Feel The Blood Rushing Through My Veins

As I Hear Your Voice, Driving me Insane.

[staveofscripture]

Sometimes it makes me feel so deflated, to see convenience stores and things that make life ugly.  Until I remember that beauty changes, Beauty is not what you see But how you see it. 

[staveofscripture]

So, now I'm finished in school. Officially graduated.

School meant a lot to me, it really shaped me as a person and gave me a lot - friends, experiences, knowledge, a social circle. It helped me to socialize and build up my knowledge of the world and how to interact, as well as the obvious learning. But the leaving was just unfinished - we didn't get to say goodbye. There was too much, too many things to say goodbye to - so we just left. No closure. No finish, no end. Just torn away from us, and I still can't get my head around it. I don't feel as if I left knowing that it was done, and I wasn't coming back and I'd gotten everything I could out of the place and it was the right time. I just left cause I had to. 

[staveofscripture]

Maybe it's the Drugs

I'm not sure why

The city seems prettiest to me as I leave,

The cluttered bus windows shining rose-tinting sun.

Nostalgia drags through my head, 

Wondering why I'm so content here 

When I'm leaving behind four groups of friends,

To be alone on this bus.

Memories that don't even seem my own, 

Drift through the buildings, 

And I wonder how long it'll take

To build a connection like this from scratch, 

When everything changes. 

[staveofscripture]

...

I left with drink still in my glass, trying to drain it 

I left with your lips pulling from mine, trying to drag every last kiss out of you

Pushing you away, I muttered "I really have to go"

I left so many things unfinished

Maybe an excuse

To try again 

[staveofscripture]

Making my life sound more artistic than it is.

Curve your tongue between my lips

And tighten your arms around my waist.

I don't care that this means nothing -

I revel in your embrace.

[staveofscripture]

Everyone says that I'll miss it when I leave

In my arrogance, I believe that I've had enough of this city, 

But deeper, I know that I will miss it - a city of promise, of personality, of people

That I have grown

To Love.

[staveofscripture]

This morning

I woke up and said I was going to  have a shower, get dressed, style my hair, study, find my purse, go out in the evening.

Now here I am back in my dressing gown, washed hair scraped back, procrastinating on the computer, no purse, no friends, no motivation.

When

Will

My

Days

Stop

Wearing

Me

Out

[writershigh]

If you think it hurts now

give it a few years

[staveofscripture]

Today, it hurt again.

Your face, so cold now Could never remind me of the one I once knew. Whisper my name, you say it playfully, Your laugh like music, your face like sun Beam on me, and light me up.

Surely those are not the same muscles Creating both that warm embrace, and that hard resistance. 

[staveofscripture]

Occasionally, I just have moments where I feel very happy.

Despite my best inklings, I often try to get to the bottom of why I feel this way. Today, the answer seems blazingly obvious, in a most cheerful way; the past week has simply given me so much hope. Hope for what I crave most; adventure, novelty, excitement. Experiencing new things, developing myself and finding or creating better lives for me and my friends and loved ones. I seem to have developed over the week, changed and gained and bettered, accompanied by my most loyal companions. I see things ahead of me, things to make me happy and excited, and when they fade, I feel as though I will have hope that new ones will be attainable. 

[staveofscripture]

Starting to build..

Take me to a different world. No, don't take me - leave me. Leave me to create my world now.

A world of night time, so dark that I can't see what isn't lit up with artificial lights. Spill out with streetlamps and headlights, cigarettes and lightbulbs, swinging from a chord. Those fluorescent lights that sit in plastic bars at the top of the school classrooms, although this world isn't set in a classroom.

Pull out a long road, dozens of long roads, thousands of long roads, they don't need to be mapped. I don't need to know where they lead. Allow them to create themselves along the way, I;ll stop when I need to.

It's warm, always warm, in a hot musky way, pulling into parking lots of midnight convenience stores, I don't need to put on a jacket before I cascade out of the car. 

[staveofscripture]

The hard, nobbly surface of the wall grazed my hand as I pushed down, hauling myself up and over. I'll throw myself upon the ledge and let my feet dangle in to the water, little splashes patter on my skin.

I'll light a cigarette and let the smoke drain in, stain me and smother me. I'll imagine I can feel it cursing through my body, whipped past my veins, catching in my rib-cage, plunging into my lungs. I'll blow it out in a long fwush of breath, and close my eyes. 

The water will sparkle, and the sun will just set. It'll look beautiful, inside my head. Although the big industrial plants behind may stay ugly, I won't let them ruin my view. 

And I'll think about how you'll never understand. And how stupid that sounds, how conceited, how pretentious. But it's true. It's you - you see this life as a gift, something with a path, something to be honoured. I see it as a way, I see it as an obligation, but I can make what I want of it. 

You think I need to be more careful, try to be more happy, need to plan ahead and remember to be safe. 

I think I need to just enjoy it, try to make each moment count. I'll never see it again so what does it matter if I fuck up a little now. 

And we'll never understand each other, but maybe that's ok. You can keep my safe and I'll try to keep you sane. 

[staveofscripture]

Everyday in stages.

1: I wake up, feeling like there's something I could do today. I make plans to go out, thinking I have a full day ahead, everything will be fun.

2: I go out, I read, I see people, I eat, I feel - nothing.

3: I hope that something more will happen, anything to make me feel.. anything. I ring people, I arrange thing, nothing makes me better.

4: I eventually give up and accept whatever lift home is going.

5: Buses are the places I feel best. I can listen to music and be by myself and not have to do anything. 

6: The walk to my house feels good too. But it hurts when I realise why. I get to the point where I need to cross, and everything in me is telling me to keep walking, just keep going, run away. anywhere. But I don't, every time, I don't. How could I?

7: I get in the door of the house and the usual feeling comes back: monotony. I've gotten so used to it that it just feels passive, almost good.

8: I go to bed, hoping for a better day tomorrow. I pretend that today was ok, and that tomorrow will be better. 

[heartsofink-blog]

A city

There is a city that holds my bones within its coat of arms, Where my blood flows diluted through the rivers, Whose clouds hold the condensed breath of 16 years, Where my heartbeat matches the pulse of a place Alive with people.

There is a city 10,000 miles away Where my soul roams like the banshees of my childhood, Where the bridges are not long enough to lead me home But whose arms are long enough to hold me, still

[staveofscripture]

New Day

The sun is soft outside my window

I sit up and notice it, 

A change from the weary pattern of raindrops again and again and again..

For half a second it makes me glow,

Until the gleaming novelty passes.

I burrow back down under my duvet,

Dreaming I am somewhere else

Pretending the sun is reliable

That it'll always be there,

As you once were.

~

How can I strive to be your friend

When all I want are your arms around me

Your voice in my ear

Your lips on my neck.

[staveofscripture]

Going back over these photographs, and our old conversations

I'm losing myself in a different life.

You are not the same person who told me those beautiful things - now they just feel like lies. I am  not the same girl who breathed those words in and used them as a reason for our sin. I thought that at the end, we'd still be the same people, with the same lives just no longer intertwined. But, alas, I was naive and wrong - I built up a life with you. Now that it's gone, I have to start afresh, broken, stripped down, alone and bleeding. 

[heartsofink-blog]

For a while I honestly believed I’d never lose you. That was my first mistake. The second mistake was letting you back into my bed when I knew I was no longer in your heart. You were the king of mine and I thought I could win you back by getting on my knees. I will not paint you as a villain or...