After a year of lurking in the F1 fandom, I feel compelled to speak my truth: Nico Rosberg’s LinkedIn page is the richest text that nobody is talking about.
As the foremost Nico LinkedIn critical scholar* of our times, I’m begging someone, ANYONE, to get on my level with this.
*[amount of time I've spent scrolling his posts redacted, but trust me, whatever you're thinking, it's more]
If you’re not in his target demo of loser, sorry I mean millennial-to-genX grindset startup bro with a hard-on for networking with venture capitalists, then you’re probably not in Nico’s LinkedIn circle and you might not know that he is ACTIVE. He is posting 2-3 times a week, he is responding to comments, this is his primary social media output, and the content isn’t crossposted anywhere else.
For years, his beat has been dreadfully boring stuff like ~optimising your performance for success in business~, and you should know that thematically he's currently mid-villian's journey, pivoting his content from ~here's how Europe can be a leader in sustainable transport~ to ~here's how we can use GenAI for literally fucking everything.~
His comment section is dozens of fintech reply guys engaging earnestly with his productivity tips and totally missing the POINT. The point being:
breadcrumbs about his relationship with his dad (keke rosberg) and also his relationship with his dad (toto wolff), which are both totally normal you guys thanks for asking
a surprising number of performative meditation photos, very important in order to prove why neuroscientists have given him such a good grade in brain activity
the sanitised-to-fit-the-current-brand, darkness-still-lurking-within brocedes of it all, which is usually something like: "during my @ Formula1 days, lewis brought out the most evil, self-loathing version of me on account of how perfect he was, which made me miserable, but thankfully also led me to a deep wealth of venture capitalist wisdom 10-15 years later!!!"
cheery framing of the most fucked-up psychological damage wrought upon man by professional sports and reinforced by the sexy, evil father figures in charge
I also need you to know that Nico is unintentionally HILARIOUS. He isn’t setting out to be funny. He’s earnestly trying to be insightful/inspiring. For him it IS that deep, it’s the most serious thing in the world whether your mindset is primed to extract max performance from your douchey job. But oh my god does he wind up being funny.
Like, ok, how about illustrating a list of really obvious advice about bettersleep4betterresults with this selfie... conveying through eyebrow acting how unsatisfying his previous REM cycle was due to not following his own advice :(
Or a 40th birthday roundup of bland life lessons like 'great teamwork beats talent alone!' that obviously must be illustrated via slurping a vat of celery juice against decorative wallpaper (he likes this photo btw as it shows up in more than one post):
Or my personal favourite: his interpretation of the cliche advice that your business plan should be concise enough to fit on a napkin. Ah yes, I should have a napkin around here somewhere. Not a poor person's paper cocktail napkin, but how about this giant piece of nice fabric, which might actually be a pillowcase or perhaps a tablecloth? Surely it's fine to sharpie all over this and then throw it out? And definitely this exercise is about writing teeny tiny on an A4-sized surface so you can fit in as much as possible? Anyway, let's finish with a <3!
I also love when he experiments with style, like this brief foray into notes-app insights (didn't perform well, never tried again):
The wording of his posts is a dialect of its own, which has invaded my brain. He describes 1-3 things as “super” in every post, and it’s unclear whether he is aware of other adjectives. He overuses exclamation marks and emojis. Most posts contain a simple message illustrated via an extremely tenuous link to an F1 anecdote, and he is tagging the official @ Formula1 LinkedIn page at even the slightest opportunity. Someone once gave him the tip to ask a question to drive engagement, and he’s made that tip his religion.
Once you start narrating your own life as a Nico LinkedIn post, it’s super hard to stop! It’s super fun, like winning a @Formula1 Grand Prix, which Nico did on 23 memorable occasions. 🏆 What’s a vocal tic you’ve adopted from a girldad entrepreneur in his 40s? 🤔 Let me know in the comments!
Despite all this, Nico has kinda won me over? He is cringe and he is free and he’s so himself. There’s some really sweet tidbits in there when you go digging!!!
He posts surprisingly often about both gender equality and karaoke - usually at separate times, but on one memorable occasion, together!
He comes across as really, genuinely loving of his family, invested in quality time with them, and supportive of their interests and successes. Like this - getting his wife to repeat the confidence-building phrases from her own childen's book when she's anxious! I find this very sweet!
And while he expresses it as though his every thought has been fed through a machine that increases corporatespeak and cheuginess by 175%, I have come to believe that he has genuinely self-actualised after retiring from the F1 torture machine, at least to the extent that he is trying to spend his one, wild, and precious life in a way that's authentic and meaningful to him.
I'll leave you with the one post so baffling it haunts me. The text is pretty innocuous and filled with his usual stuff: I love my family! Family time is more important than work! And luckily, family time will make you even better at work!
But ohhhhh my god the picture.
what on EARTH am I looking at here????? This monstrous creature has to be AI. Am I to believe that Nico and his young child have constructed a snow rabbit as tall as a pine tree???? with cartoon features not resembling any household objects one might use for a snowman face, questionable texture and colour gradients, and perfectly shaped (those paws!!) to an unlikely degree. This couldn't possibly be real snow???? And did he think we just wouldn't notice???? I have reverse image searched to compare it to real snow bunnies made by real human people and like... nico.... who are you trying to fool here...
The comments are equally insane work, like SIMPLE CRAFTS??? Are there LinkedIn bots? Surely these are not serious people.
And who I can only imagine to be the few fellow truthers... have been ominously ignored.
So like... has he made the entire story up? Has he 'built' the snowman on ChatGPT with his daughter, entirely undermining his put-down-your-phone thesis? Did he make a snowman but he was so ashamed by it that he felt the need to spruce it up in post? It's just such a bizarre thing to lie about... like... nobody was saying Nico, Nico, we simply must see the quality of the easter bunny snow sculpture you made with your children, without it we couldn't possibly take your word that enjoying simple moments with your family is a critical element of health, happiness, and productivity!
I'm not stupid, so I know there is a chance that every single post is written by GenAI and I have been duped into character analysis that is actually based on drivel written by a water guzzling soulless machine trained on self-help books. (Although I'll say that his style has remained pretty consistent for years, since before this would have been likely.)
He might also have never had the password to his own accounts, and this is the work of a social media girlie who texts him stuff like 'hey boss, when you get a sec could you pose with some green juice for me, and then maybe a second one looking really upset in bed?'
Or........ and maybe I am deluded by the unlikely degree of charming and fun I find him, but I do genuinely think there is just enough weird human decision-making here to indicate that this is the case..... is Nico typing out the earnest inner workings of his heart between networking happy hour and trackside commentary gigs and gruelling sessions with his philosopher-slash-psychotherapist-slash-mindset coach?
Regardless, like Nico I believe in the lifechanging power of gratitude, so uhhhhh. Thanks for posting the funniest content on the whole website, you corny, corny man!!
just want to say i’m sorry about all the bullshit with non-fandom people invading our spaces and i’m glad to know your fics won’t be gone forever. i was so distraught seeing the mystery works in my bookmarks and i was like “fuck! i have to track down this author” i am glad to open your tumblr and see you’re ok lol :D thank you for your fandom-service goat
it's so funny how the mcu has so closely replicated the comics fan experience of like, "don't worry about like the plots. the things happening are like 90% really stupid, you just have to accept that. the meat is in the character writing. which is unfortunately also bad."
"Blorbo is my favorite character! He has 89,324 appearances spanning decades!"
"Great! What do you recommend?"
"One writer in mid-2014 had like, half a plot that was great before it was handed off to someone who hated him and possibly had a vendetta against the art director. But man, a great 2-3 months of real character stuff there."
I have a colleague who every time they come into my office they leave the door open part way both on entry and on exit when I have the heater on, and it was CLEARLY shut (its a glass door so I'm not like being actively antisocial they can still see me I just get very cold very easily) when they entered and like... you are sixty-something years old are you familiar with the phrase "were you born in a tent" because that's what your generation used to say to mine when we were kids and did the same thing 💀
hi! im neigedens on ao3. i just bookmarked one of your rebalex fics earlier this month and was so distraught when i saw it had been deleted till i looked up your tumblr and saw your explanation. i totally get it like jesus what a shitshow. hopefully the attention dies down soon and they lose interest in investigating this corner of the fandom. anyway just wanted to say i loved your fair and square series, like i love how doomed it was and kind of obliquely touched on like the fundamental horror of being a WAG. i hope its back on the archive soon but even if not thanks for writing it and i hope youre having a great day! ❤️
Hey! Thanks so much for this message, and I'm sorry I made the fics go into the void for a bit ❤️ The breaking down of fandom walls is just something that makes me so deeply uncomfortable but I'll bring them back probably in a few weeks once anyone intrigued by this latest round of social media managers thinking it's cute and funny to talk about fic on main has moved on. Unfortunately I'm pretty unplugged from the side of F1 fandom that exists outside of tumblr so it'll probably be at a very random point in time when I just decide to push the button lol
Anyway, I very much appreciate the kind words and hey! Maybe when I bring them back I might finally finish the series!
Why aren’t drivers messy/bitchy anymore? Alex Albon. Where can I find a driver who regularly jokes about his own dick and other drivers’ dicks? Alex Albon. Are there any drivers somewhat less beholden to toxic masculinity? Alex Albon. Do any drivers seem to treat their girlfriends well and not like objects? Alex Albon. Where can I find someone with a story that makes you want to root for them in a sport where it’s hard to find that? Alex Albon. Why don’t drivers stoke the rpf flames as a bit? Alex Albon. Who is someone fun to watch drive because of ups and downs and ballsy overtakes and contact without bad faith? Alex Albon. Is there anyone who isn’t scared of a teammate battle and gives teammates advice over the radio? Alex Albon. Does anyone even do good gifts on secret Santa anymore? Alex Albon. Which drivers give deeply entertaining radios? Alex Albon. Does anyone even care about the nutritional benefits of breastmilk and repeatedly talk about it? Alex Albon
I am begging you. Please learn about stress/discomfort tolerance. Practice raising it. You need this to survive. If someone online can ruin your day with a throwaway comment, you desperately need to understand discomfort tolerance and consciously, systematically build that shit.
Also! Stress tolerance is such an important skill that having a learning disability in that area is a major symptom of a whole lot of other disabilities/mental illnesses! Struggling with it is a huge part of life! It sucks!
Am I saying everyone with misophonia needs to listen to chewing noises all day? No. But you need to find ways to tolerate it enough that you don't treat others like shit if they make a mouth noise near you.
No, you don't have to read the fic with your trigger tags. But you do need to be able to handle scrolling past the tags without being upset.
It is hard! But not having it also makes you so so so easy to manipulate. That grandma is racist AF because her mom raised her to be uncomfortable around black people and she never fought that discomfort. Trans people make so many cis people uncomfortable and that discomfort turns into bigotry real fast.
Letting your discomfort dictate your actions and beliefs about things is a great way to become a terrible person. Learn. Discomfort. Tolerance.
I wasn't gonna talk about this here and just kind of go quietly into the night, but a friend has shown me a couple of posts where people have noticed somethings up - YES I have hidden my F1 fics as a result of the Peroni article (and subsequent Ferrari socials vid) giving me the mega ick about people discovering my stuff if they decide to start poking around on Ao3 as a result of this tone deaf marketing decision.
NO they are not permanently deleted, just hidden in a private collection. I will bring them back when I feel comfortable that things have calmed down a bit and anyone out there still reading fic is doing it because they've discovered something new they like and not because theyre \\gawping at the online weirdos\\. Sorry in advance if youre subscribed to me because yes you will get notified when the resurrection happens 😅
Keep fanfic in transformative fandom specific spaces, folks. And tell people when they've breached that etiquette because if they dont know they won't learn.
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