A Stealth Transman (Inactive)

At the time of this blog, I was 23 years old and 2.5 years on T. I'm stealth and I don't talk about my trans experience, so I was using this blog to work myself out.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Leaving Tumblr!

I said I'd be back in August, so here I am! ...saying that I'm leaving again. I found a better way to connect with the trans community while remaining stealth. And honestly, Tumblr just isn't as fun anymore since I got out of fandom.

This blog will be an interesting snapshot in time, though.

I'm getting buttonhole top surgery in a few months, and I'm looking into meta depending on how my dysphoria is after top surgery.

Life is good.

Save mother Gaia. <3

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Going Inactive -- Thanks for Reading!

I've posted everything in my queue, and I'm logging off for a few months. I plan on returning in the fall when I've had top surgery so I can process that.

A big thank you to all the people I've met here! This blog has helped me think about myself in ways I hadn't before, but I want to spend my energy on other things for a while. The blog has also attracted more angry lesbians than I was anticipating, which has been educational.

I'll check my Tumblr for the next 24 hours, but then I won't be checking messages until I'm back. See you then!

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

My Pretransition Fears

I put off social transition for years because I was worried that I would never be male enough, and that I would get caught in the middle. That was the last thing I wanted.

I was so worried that T would make me look like some kind of circus freak. I remember breaking down to my therapist about a year before I finally decided to do it, crying as I told her I didn't want to be in between. But that's where I was, even then. Because I wasn't comfortable as female. I knew it. Everybody around me knew it.

I realized later that this in between-ness wasn't just going to stop, and I should make changes that made me happy. So I transitioned, and it was a great decision for me.

My fears about top surgery now are similar. I'm worried that I have too much female fat distribution to ever have a normal male body. And honestly, that's probably true. It's still better than the alternative: me living my life as a man with these fat sacks stuck to my chest.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Ghost (1990)

Spoilers for Ghost (1990). Great classic film!

Do you ever think about when Patrick Swayze possessed Whoopie Goldberg in "Ghost" so he could romantically caress Demi Moore? Because I do. If I remember correctly, Whoopie told her to close her eyes.

When I think about being with women, I close my eyes and imagine my body as it's supposed to be. I move into this space where I can imagine them running their hands along the sides of my chest... and other places. Watching that scene, I can really feel the longing as Swayze, disembodied for the majority of the film, is finally able to touch his wife. You can feel the electricity.

God, what I'd give to be Patrick Swayze.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

My dad likes to say he's a lesbian trapped in a man's body. He's not a transwomen, just a conservative dad. I don't think he realizes that's a thing you can be.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

I'm Probably Going to Be Single for a While...

Because where am I supposed to find somebody who's fine with my fieldwork summers; low-waste, minimalist lifestyle; and vegetarianism? Not to mention all my character flaws and genital situation. Covid has also wrecked any social skills I might have had before.

I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but I haven't dated in the past 5 years. I'm not really in a hurry, but I also don't want to waste my youth.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Who Am I?

This is a worldwide period of introspection as we're kept from doing all the things we want to do. Most of my thoughts have turned to my trans experience as I wait for top surgery this fall, but it's important to think about the other parts of me as I become a full adult.

I'm community minded, rather than the lives of individuals. The exception is animals and young people who can't defend themselves.

I'm a public servant and a scientist at work, and I'm a student trying to be better at my job.

I'm a hopeful realist. Most of the problems in the world come from people not understanding each other. I think we're slowly learning to see each other as human beings, but misunderstanding is always going to exist.

I am creative. I think differently than other people, and I create things that are engaging.

And I'm a good man. Just trying to do my best.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

My Provider Sucks

My provider is probably up to all kinds of unethical shit.

Her whole thing is that she operates an inclusive LGBT health clinic that provides medical gender affirmation services. Every time I've asked her for documentation to change my name or get top surgery, she has used a cookie cutter template that is often inaccurate.

For instance, in my recent top surgery letter, she said that my gender identity is nonbinary, and she used they/them pronouns the entire time, even though she's been seeing me for over three years and knows that I am a binary man who does not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to be in the middle.

For my name change letter, she did the same thing and omitted key information so I had to take it back to her to fix, after spending too much damn time at a government office.

Not only that, but she just straight up lied about what we had talked about and my history of gender dysphoria. Her referral letters (which take nearly a month to get back) are all cookie cutter, where she pretty much only changes the name on the document, and sometimes even leaves underscores that were there to remind her to fill in important information.

I have not "been struggling with gender dysphoria since before pubertal development." Although I do have some "depressive and anxiety symptoms related to the gender dysphoria," my chest does not increase "feelings of hopelessness and depressed mood."

Top that off with her lying about a bunch of other shit completely unrelated to this, and awful things I've complained about before.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Trans-dar

I have awful gaydar, but I can spot a trans guy a mile away.

Just today I was on Facebook, saw a thicc guy with a beard who looked 100% cis, looked back through his photos, and found out he transitioned.

It feels like a superpower.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Having Bio Kids

I want to have kids that share my and my partner's genes, but that's probably not going to happen.

First of all, I'd have to find a lady who wants to have kids with me, but that's besides the point. There's some really interesting research being done with eggs, but any procedure that takes my genetic material and mixes it with somebody else's is probably going to be too expensive for me to ever afford.

I've considered asking my brother for a sperm donation if I ever find somebody to be with, but he's very conservative, would probably say no, and if he didn't say no he'd probably try to claim the kid as his because he's an asshole.

I think adoption is great and I might end up doing that eventually, but there's just this monkey part of my brain that wants to share genes with my offspring.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

All of My Anxieties About Somehow Not Being Trans

Here goes! Gotta get them out. There are probably more. I have lots of anxiety.

I didn't feel like a boy from a young age: I grew up in a rough and tumble area where I was allowed to do all the activities I wanted. I was always gender nonconforming, and nobody made me feel bad about that.

My depression started around the time I got out of an abusive relationship: This was probably a contributor to my depression, but I was also dealing with normal teenager stresses that start around the age of 15.

I'm just transitioning to avoid my depression: I used to obsess about things to avoid my feelings, but I didn't transition until I'd thought hard about it for a few years. There was no undue excitement to start T like there was for my other obsessions. It was just something I knew I needed to do.

I didn't feel the need to get rid of my chest until I cut my hair: I had always dressed androgenously. That haircut was one of the first times I did something just for myself. By then I had my first job and disposable money to experiment with how I wanted to look. I hadn't even heard of trans people by the time I started binding.

I have autistic tendencies: I'm not autistic, and even if I was, that wouldn't mean that I would detransition. My brain is just wired to have a hard time with social things.

I'm just a lesbian who wants to blend in: Nope. I know lots of beautiful, proud lesbians. I've never felt bad about my attraction to women or being gender nonconforming.

I like too many feminine things: I like gardening and I know how to crochet. These are not feminine things. These are people things.

I'm worried top surgery will make my body asymmetrical: I'm a very visual person, and I know that my waist and hips and hands and feet and head shape are not going to be where I want them to be when I get top surgery. That's a sign of dysphoria, not lack of dysphoria.

I'm just transitioning to attract women: I went into this being okay with never dating again. Transitioning makes me out of bounds for lesbians and many straight women.

Misogyny! That exists for other people. I never experienced that, and it did not impact my decision to transition.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Transition and My Depression

From ages 15 to 21, I was very depressed. The worst of it was from 16 to 18, but it stuck around until a few months after I medically transitioned. And now I feel great. Balanced.

My depression was really existential. I felt empty all the time, like I had no future and didn't want one. I didn't feel human a lot of the time because I didn't see myself as having emotions like other people.

I still don't feel a lot of feelings, but I do see a future for myself now. I can see myself properly when I look in a mirror, and I look forward to what's ahead. I'm still a workaholic, but I know I'm working towards something.

I used to worry that testosterone had just dulled my emotions to the point I wasn't dealing with them, but I don't think that's it. I've never really been very emotive, and if I was avoiding my feelings they would have exploded by now. (The last time I remember crying was about a year ago when I watched "Rocketman," and also when I cut onions.)

I'm not saying medical transition cured my depression, but it was pretty clearly the right decision for me. I still feel bad sometimes, but it's nothing like before. I'm just being myself and it feels great.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

My Voice

I feel so much better about my voice after transition, but I still get voice dysphoria, and I feel like it outs me as trans.

Yet I’m still pleasantly surprised sometimes when I hear a recording of myself. It’s so satisfying.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

My Autistic Tendencies

Way back when I was in the hospital for depression the first time, the doctors thought I might have autism.

They “tested” me but decided that wasn’t it. Still, it makes me worry that there’s something in my head that might make me think I’m trans when I’m not. That’s the stereotype of a lot of detransitioners, anyways. I’m not autistic, but I do think differently from other people. 

At the end of the day, this is just another fear I have about my trans experience that doesn’t matter. My anxiety is just fine, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m very satisfied with where I’m at. Obsessing about whether I’m *really* trans or not doesn’t do anything for me. If I were having serious discomfort with my transition, that would be another issue.

The future is the future. Anything can happen, so there’s no sense in worrying about it.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Dark Masculinity

I’ve struggled with depression, and although I’m better now, sometimes I feel like I’m one drink away from becoming Dean Winchester--minus all the supernatural.

My family is military, and I grew up in a conservative, wild west area watching all my male role models socially drinking. I never got into it and I still don’t, but there’s a part of me that wants to be a dark, alcoholic mess. There’s a piece in my brain that wants to be tortured and depressed, locked in some deep hole I can’t crawl out of. 

I want to be stupid and irresponsible and untrustworthy because of my dependencies. I want to feel like a human being, not this sanitized manikin. I want to feel like this archetype of a man, even though it would destroy everything that I am.

But I’m here. Being responsible. Staying sober. Paying my mortgage. Being respectful to women and the most reliable person at work. A good student. I’m a different kind of man, but I’m still a good one.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Visceral Dysphoria

I’ve been transitioned for long enough that I’ve forgotten what really bad dysphoria feels like.

I was reading about some other people’s experience of being alright with being afab and being referred to as a woman. The reaction is really visceral for me. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

[stealthtransman97--inactive]

Dicks Everywhere

One of the benefits of living alone is I can leave my dicks wherever I want.