Steffi Going Bananas @steffigoingbananas - Tumblr Blog

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you are strong for staying present in the dark. 🧿🧿🧿 i wish someone had told me that earlier that it’s our system that is a black box, suffocating my spirit and my magic. i wish I didn’t spend so much time pretzeling myself to fit within a system who didn’t deserve me. i wish I didn't feel as alone as I did for so many years. i wish I had known the desire and connection to Mother was sacred and was something to cherish. i wish I had known I was brought up in a system that inherently worked to suppress me. i wish I had the light in me protected, not diminished by those who were jealous of it. i wish the flowers of my being were watered by my environment instead of being treated as a weed. i wish the world was kinder, so we could live in that blissful place that Spirit intended for us. i wish each person would know their own power. i wish that consciousness was part of our system. i wish the egos didn't rule the world. — it took me a while of living in the dark to finally understand that I am not the dark, for i am the light that’s been trapped in a dark place. if you resonate with my sentiments: then you are strong. Because you have held on to your light amidst the darkness of our broken system. You are a warrior. And I see you. Know that the world needs you. ◾️ (at Atlanta, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/COL7SbhjQ0W/?igshid=o8cq5gzct2sv

Classic #codependency issue: 🟡Waiting to be saved 🟡Looking for something in others we’re afraid to uncover in ourselves 🟡Forgetting the responsibility we have first to ourselves over anyone else As a codependent, I struggle with 🟣Mistaking other’s feelings and actions as my own 🟣Trying to control others to better my surroundings 🟣Playing victim because I’ve put the other person first so many times over my own without acknowledgement 🟣Doing more for others because I forget to serve myself first 🟣Blaming others for my feelings and my actions It’s been a season of learning to unlearn #codependent ways. Unlearning and relearning will be a part of my process well into my adult years. And even uncovering the fact that I had a pattern of thinking and behaving that was maladaptive took a while, to uncover, too! So here’s to me remembering to come back to my Self. To be responsible for my actions and my feelings. To saving myself instead of waiting to be saved. I am enough. I am loved. I am home. And so are you. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CG-JwRHjfSy01G06w6JVQiUpoap0vk3XXxgOiw0/?igshid=160mcq9yg68h9

#codependency #codependent

My sister uploaded a few home videos, and I’ve avoided sitting with them since Dad died. ⁣ ⁣ I guess I was afraid of what I would find - ⁣ Or, I was afraid of what I wouldn’t find.⁣ ⁣ But who I find, helps clean up a picture. A picture that got water-damaged along the way these past thirty years.⁣ ⁣ In this picture:⁣ I find a six-year old with an elf cut playing dress up in Mom’s clothes covered in lace, sequins and satin. ⁣ I find parents who love her, letting her play and roll around the kitchen floor.⁣ I find a two-year-old sister who is so damn funny I want to cherish her and put her in a snow globe to protect her from the world in front of her.⁣ I find a mom who makes me fall in love with who she is, not because she is mom.⁣ I find parents who are happy with each other, with the life they created, taking family trips, throwing parties and showering people with food and gifts. ⁣ ⁣ I imagine sitting with my six-year-old self. ⁣ How do I tell her that so much of that life slips away?⁣ But, just as I ask the question, I find that she’s telling me -⁣ ⁣ She tells me:⁣ You have yourself.⁣ We like to play alone.⁣ We have our worlds in our head.⁣ We don’t care if people want to join us or not.⁣ We don’t need people asking us to come back into this world. ⁣ Why would I go back into the world when I have a pencil, a stencil, and myself right here.⁣ When did you start needing his attention?⁣ When did you start needing anyone’s attention?⁣ Here. Pick up the pencil. Start drawing with me. ⁣ ⁣ I listen to her.⁣ I start drawing.⁣ ⁣ And, as I start drawing, ⁣ I start unremembering.⁣ Unremembering that I have to be ‘something’ in this world instead of being ‘me’ in this world.⁣ Unremembering that I need other’s attention to be happy.⁣ Unremembering that I have to be liked to be loved.⁣ ⁣ And, as I start unremembering,⁣ I start remembering.⁣ Remembering that ‘me’ in this world lives on her own time; ⁣ Remembering that ‘me’ in this world falls in a line that is curvy and spirally. ⁣ Remembering that ‘me’ in this world doesn’t need anyone except her pencil, her stencil, and herself.⁣ ⁣ I keep drawing.⁣ And I keep her around.⁣ For my six-year-old self clearly knows the way. ⁣ (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCMHDjenZSj/?igshid=1t7a9ez5l44jv

For those who need to hear it: Just keep breathing. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBvyHTrnYLP/?igshid=27lk6dhnx3nw

Don’t rush your healing. Don’t rush your pain. Don’t rush your moment. Trust your heart. Trust your mind. Trust your soul. Trust your body. You will heal. On your own time. Let that happen. Without expectations. Without pushing. Be gentle. Hold yourself. And let the healing magic unfold. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBvtgquHUJE/?igshid=jmlk2tnu4jek

Today I did yoga.⁣ It had been a month and 12 days since I had last.⁣ It was the morning of the day you died.⁣ You died at 11:45 a.m.⁣ I know because I just received your death certificate.⁣ I got the call at 1:07 p.m.⁣ ⁣ Was I in child's pose?⁣ Your child, in pure surrender, when you surrendered your last breath?⁣ ⁣ If I was, then I didn’t choose it consciously.⁣ I would have never surrendered. ⁣ I would have told you to hold on.⁣ ⁣ I think that’s why you didn’t call.⁣ I hope that’s why you didn’t call.⁣ I hope that you were avoiding finding a reason to hold on.⁣ I wish you would have called.⁣ I would have given you reasons to hold on.⁣ ⁣ I would have told you about my decision to go to school.⁣ I would have shown you my new tattoo.⁣ I would have told you that I was rooted in love.⁣ I would have done another past life meditation with you.⁣ I would have told you that I was finally finding my spiritual home.⁣ I would have told you that I wanted a dog.⁣ I would have shown you my new apartment. After three years of nomadic life, I had decided to settle in.⁣ I would have told you that I couldn’t wait to visit you now that we were finally driving distance apart.⁣ I would have told you that I was emotionally stronger.⁣ I would have told you that we bought Shaklee in your honor.⁣ I would have told you that I loved you even though I now understood the pain you caused me.⁣ ⁣ But I couldn’t tell you. ⁣ Because you surrendered. ⁣ You made a choice without telling me.⁣ ⁣ So now I have to tell someone. ⁣ So I tell the wind.⁣ And I let my leaves fall from my tree.⁣ The wind takes care of me.⁣ She carries me to the place where you are.⁣ So I can tell you there.⁣ ⁣ Yes, the wind will bring me to you.⁣ I say it outloud, and I let my leaves fall. ⁣ ⁣ Carry me to you, I plead.⁣ I let the wind carry me.⁣ ⁣ Take me to you, I ask.⁣ I let the wind take me.⁣ ⁣ I’ll tell you everything when I find you again.⁣ Promise to stay.⁣ Wait for me.⁣ And I’ll wait for a windy day.⁣ And then you’ll know everything.⁣ ⁣ But for now, it’s not a windy day.⁣ So I will hold on. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBoeAHHHnHE/?igshid=rem8ea8f4rzb

The grief has overtaken me, and I don’t know who I’ll come out as when the process is done. Maybe the process never ends. That’s what people say. You carry it with you. I don’t want to carry it with me. I want to put the bag down. I want to rest. I want it to stop. But if it stops than that means I’ll just end up like Him. So I can’t rest. And so I just move. But no longer aware of who I am moving as. But I do trust the process. And I’ll let the grief burn away whoever I was before and rise from the ashes and start again. But until then, I’ll rest. And look in the mirror and not know who I am. And I’ll have to be ok with that. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CA6Hr7EnVfa/?igshid=sxz4yn9mpwui

Untangling. Messy. Scary. Freeing. That’s what it feels like on the road to Liberation. A big twisted ball of yarn coming apart. No real clear picture on where the string starts and where it ends. No idea what the ball of yarn could turn into: A sweater? A hat? Just another twisted up ball of yarn? No idea. But acceptance on not knowing, and rather embracing the mess. The disruption. The chaos. The pain. The emotions. Releasing control. Letting it all come undone. My insides are shifting. Nothing is making sense. And the Universe is asking me to allow that process. I want to put my hands and figure out the ball of yarn. I want it to make sense. To see the end result. But no. That’s not how the road to Liberation looks. So I sit. And feel. And wait. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CA5trS7n_ps/?igshid=xrxv5ees9lbj

There’s always a guide. Always. Even in the dark. Even in the darkest of dark. There’s a flicker of light guiding you back home. — I rarely feel that confident in that light, yet in my lowest lows I can see the dim light in the distance. She speaks in a hushed whisper, enough to where I know I’m not alone in the grief. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAtvkC-nGR-/?igshid=s5gl7u61ypaq

It’s now my second day alone since Dad passed, and the grief waves have gotten so much stronger. I’ve succumbed to the storm in my head and crawled back into bed. But while I lay and draw, I allow the grief waves to be present, but this time, I’m speaking after each wave, “You will get through this. You will get through this. You will get through this.” (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAf_C8vnjRT/?igshid=4wzgujbo3n97

#ToSister: It takes courage to crack yourself. It takes patience and diligence to sit in the rain. It takes dedication to Self to allow your Being to blossom into a beautiful flower. Allow it to happen, and it will be done. . I realized that being four years older than my sister, has given me an advantage in life, and it’s my duty to share all of my learnings and advice with her. I want her to have the chance to grow into the strongest version of herself. . I will be shifting gears a bit and will be dedicating a lot of my writings and art to her. I invite all siblings to share their learnings, too. . If you’d like to share your advice/love for your siblings, DM me and I can incorporate it into art. It’s a journey, and with all of our experiences, we can help each other grow into a deeper version of ourselves.

#tosister #illustration #womenempowerment #womenwhodraw #writer #womenwithpencils #siblinglove #inspiration #inspiringwomen #inspiringwriters #sharethelove

Disruption often veers us off of our path. It allows us to take avenues and detours we wouldn’t often take, and we come out changed in some way. The moment where our path and the detour meet is a moment where we start folding back into ourselves - but now as a changed person. That’s how I’m feeling today - these past two weeks I’ve experienced a whole new internal cave of contrasting emotions. The detour of grief is not complete as it’ll be a companion of mine for life, but this morning I recognized myself before experiencing my dad’s loss. It is nice to see her again, and the journey of marrying the two of me —before loss and after loss— together begins. And that means progress. (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAanFduHK-R/?igshid=1wh0q1hckejtn

I’m just so, so tired. Yet I’m breathing through the emotions and trying my best to not hold so tightly. Let emotions come and flow is what I strive for, but there are so many that they just come out sideways and twisted and ugly and messy and not clean in a nice little box. So, today I strive for staying patient with myself and loving myself even if I have ugly cries, even if I engage in ridiculous arguments with my partner, even if I am not meditating or journaling or doing yoga. Because I am doing the best that I can and ultimately all I can do is just let it hurt, because it really, really, really does just fucking hurt. But I get to live and feel the hurt, and I’d rather that than feel nothing at all. (at Normal Heights, San Diego) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAVyoVVHd8a/?igshid=zzltg1ctmfkw

Sister and I. She’s my rock, keeping me going, keeping me steady, focused on healing and grieving. I want her to know that facing our pain is worth it; that acknowledging that anger and sadness can exist in the breath; that compassion and love for ourselves will free our spirit and heal our soul; and that hanging out with Mother Nature helps get us there faster. (at Potato Chip Rock) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAOX060nBMW/?igshid=jtwrmo693n3j

A blob of emotions keep piling. My belly is in crumbles. Pain and relief living in the same breath. https://www.instagram.com/p/CALzzB_nPWN/?igshid=5cusz9gsg72x

Embracing the magic and the sunset and the voice. ⁣⁣ Loving myself and shining love.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Of course it is hard - reaching for the top chakras. We are, as a society, so rooted in the bottom three. Very grounded. The heart is not open. So those who seek to move higher and higher must cultivate that and find ways to transform within the system, so it's ultimately disrupted. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Journal Entry - 1/2/2020 (at Normal Heights, San Diego) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_2xyAinY38/?igshid=7t5im2vurqz2

I can feel the boundaries and walls of my ego where the realization that I am Mom won't sink in. ⁣ ⁣ Because it would mean destruction of how the Ego knows itself. And if we know we are not our Ego then Ego loses its control to Be. ⁣ ⁣ But I love the Ego and I'm working on asking her to step back and respond to boundaries through love. ⁣ ⁣ I do love her. She allows my physical body a safe place in this world. And because of that, I can move and spread light and enjoy life's beauty. I don't want her to go away - I need her. But rather, I want her to understand by letting her Sister Spirit, Soul, through, we can work together to have the most meaningful and spiraly life.⁣ ⁣ It takes a lot of courage to stay true to your intuition and ground. It’s the opposite of easy. It’s much easier to follow Ego - but you have to remember Ego is self interested without thinking through. She is irrational. ⁣ ⁣ Calm yourself.⁣ Let Soul surface.⁣ Root in her.⁣ Then direct and calm your Ego.⁣ No, it’s not easy. ⁣ Remember the world we live in is all Ego. We need change makers to step out. ⁣ ⁣ Lead the way. ⁣ Your Soul is Sunset. ⁣ Don’t constrain your beauty.⁣ ⁣ Journal Entry 1/12/2020 (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_0bLi6nZas/?igshid=1xs14ritya0z8

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