(Personal) My Weight Loss Journey – Part 1
(Yes, this is going to be one of those clichéd „make yourself feel good about losing weight while telling a lot of personal stuff“ blog posts. I know you are here for the art but I need to talk about this somehow. Sorry, not sorry.)
So, I don’t think I have mentioned it before but currently I am actively trying to lose weight and get in shape. To be honest, that’s something I never thought I would type down, because there were several things that kept holding me back. And a lot of it has to do with being body shamed by the people around me. So buckle up, there is a bit of backstory that has to be unpacked:
You see, I love swimming. Always have, always will. My family always spends their summer vacation by the sea, and we used to go a lot to the public swimming pools of our town. I wasn’t very fast (I still am slow as a sea snail!) but I had fun.
However, when I was around 12, 13, gym class meant we’d go swimming. And there was one boy in my class who for some reason loved to make fun of me. I remember one day, when we were sitting at the pool waiting for class to begin, him singing repeatedly „Stella has a paunch, Stella has a paunch!“ (in German of course: „Stella hat ne Wampe!“). I was a bit chubby, but hell, I was a kid. It was cruel, it was unnecessary and it made me feel awful about myself. Needless to say, I didn’t have a good time in swimming class, also because I was so slow and… yeah. Didn’t get a good grade either. At least it didn’t stop me from swimming altogether.
The next years I kept gaining weight, both by growing, puberty hitting and well, general weight gain too. I wasn’t eating healthy (not the fault of my parents, I stuffed my face with way too much fast food) and hated all kinds of sport.
One prominent feature of my body are my shoulders, which are rather broad for a woman. I remember angsting a lot about my body, my weight and my femininity. My (by now former) best friend was very feminine, wore a lot of lacy and frilly stuff. I wanted that too, but felt like I couldn’t pull it off since I was too fat anyway. Instead I mostly wore loose shirts, hiding the curves I got by puberty. I remember a rather old teacher with a bad eyesight (I was sitting in the last row of the class) confusing me for a boy. I am not blaming him though, since he was a quite friendly guy and simply didn’t know better. It still hurt.
I also remember talking to my best friend about how I wanted to be feminine, wear stuff like she wore, put on make-up that looked good on me etc. She wasn’t all that unsupportive, giving me a make-over with her sister for example. But there was one thing she said that… well, made me feel awful. She said I looked androgynous. I don’t think it was all that maliciously intended, but back then it seriously hurt me. I felt like she told me I looked lke a man and that thought made me feel horrible about myself. She backpadled quickly when she realized how much it hurt, but still kept insisting on that statement to be true.*
Anyway, when I first played with the thought of losing weight, those two things came to my mind. Being shamed for my current weight in gym class and the fact that I, from my understanding, already looked more like a man than a woman. Both of it terrified me. Subconciously, I believed that I would only be shamed for even trying to lose weight, and that even if I would, if I gained muscles and lost fat, I would look even more manly. I think my train of thought can be summarized like this:
I didn’t like my body, but I hated the image of what I think I would become if I changed my body.
So I didn’t make a real effort to try. That topic was off the table for me. No matter that I kept gaining weight, that I went more and more out of shape and the people around me were concerned – not because of my body image, but because of my health. And rightfully so, I wasn’t healthy at all. But I kept telling myself that it is fine, that there is nothing wrong with me and after all, food made me feel good, so do I really want to trade all those yummy things for bland and boring salad, and spend all my day in gym instead of doing fun stuff? I was in denial, with those constant fears and insecuritied hanging over me like a sword.
But it didn’t stay that way.
One of the biggest positive impacts on me concerning my body image is my boyfriend. He is the one who keeps telling me over and over again that I am beautiful no matter what, especially when I don’t feel exactly beautiful. He also loves moving around a lot and sports and kept convincing me to go on a walk with him now and then, or do a bycicle tour with him on vacation. I did start to enjoy it, even more so when my family got a dog (meaning, I had a reason to go on a walk besides entertaining my boyfriend). I hadn’t started to actively try to lose weight yet, in fact, I kept gaining it, but things were getting in motion – literally.
The final straw, the last wake-up call for me to realize I need to do something, was when weight hit triple digits. I weighted around 100 kilogram at the beginning of this year. That number shocked me. I never thought I would weigh that much. I don’t know why that number in particular shocked me so much, but it was the moment where I decided that things can’t go on like this. I didn’t want to gain any more weight or get even more out of shape (stairs were a nightmare to me back then!). So, I decided to change my lifestyle.
First thing I did, was that I decided to start swimming again. I asked a few friends of mine to establish a swimming routine with me and they did. Up to five times per week, I would go to the public swimming pool for two hours and simply swim, dive etc. No pressure, no body shaming. I could feel how it was affecting my body positively and I started to feel good about myself again.
Second thing I changed were my eating habits. I picked up a calory counter app and started to monitor what I eat, and at the same time looked up tasty but healthy recipes. It didn’t limit my food choices, in fact it vastly expanded them! All those things I deemed bland and tasteless were suddenly so tasty. Zucchini, aubergines, all those veggies, salads with tasty sauces and toppings. The food steamer became my new best friend. And even if I crave for unhealthy but tasty food (chicken burger with fries and mayonese is my guilty pleasure!), I can still eat it. I simply watch my food choices throughout the day, do some sport after work and treat myself in the evening.
So everything went great. Since the beginning of the year, I went from 100 kg to 90. However… with it came the old thoughts back. Are people laughing at me when they see me in swimwear? If I keep losing weight, will I lose my boobs, get even broader shoulders, will I start to look like a man? But then, I realized something. I realized, that all those years I had looked at my body through the glasses other people had put on me, intentionally or not. People that are not even a part of my life anymore, people who have become completely irrelevant to me. The people that are in my life right now don’t believe I look like a man or that I am fat. So why do I keep listening to those voices that I never wished to have in my life anyway? Why do I care how people irrelevant to me will see me?!
I realized I didn’t hate the thought of becoming more muscular.
This week I started to go to the gym. I booked a gym class to learn about how to train my body properly to build up muscles. To be honest, I was pretty anxious about going there, because a lot of people there are in so much better shape than me. But it has been great! Everybody has been so nice and patient and the workout makes me feel so good, both physically and psychologically. It’s also nice to move my body after sitting in the office or at university all day.
I know there are still going to be bad days where the insecurities will be overwhelming, where I will hate my body and tell myself I will look never reach my goal anyway or that I look like a man and need to stop right now. But I know those times will pass and that I will reach my goal eventually.
And I am not going to look like a man.
I am going to look like a warrior woman.
*I don’t know whether it was just bad wording by her or if she really wanted to put me down, since she used to do that a lot, which was a reason why we parted ways later, but that’s a story for another time.
(There, clichéd blog post over. Sorry, but I needed to get that off my chest.)