The name of this blog is “Safe to Be Me.” It is an exploration of my journey to feeling safe to be my fully authentic self in this world.
I am also a woman. And it’s not always so safe to be a woman.
You’ve likely seen, just like I have, article after article of women speaking out about sexual harassment and assault. Being bullied, shamed, made to feel less than, coerced and forced into unwelcome, frightening sexual situations by men. Being raped.
It is rampant. Much of it is never spoken about because of fear.
I was at a dance with a friend of mine, and after the dance ended, I asked if she had fun. She said that she had, up until the last half hour or so. I asked if it was because some of her favorite people to dance with had left, and she said no, that wasn’t why.
She stopped having fun when a man, whom she considered a friend, sexually assaulted her.
I was in shock. I asked why she hadn’t come to tell me after it happened or if she had told ANYONE, and she said she was scared. “So scared,” were her words.
Events like this happen so routinely that they are often just brushed off. If a woman tells someone what happened, they are often made to feel like they are just overreacting. Or he was just so smitten with her that he “couldn’t help himself.” Or she wanted it. Or that’s just how things are. She should be flattered.
Women are allowed to feel safe in this world without fearing that someone will force unwanted advances upon them.
My friend didn’t do anything wrong by being afraid to tell me or someone else. She has nothing to feel bad about. There are many reasons why women don’t speak out about sexual assault. If it happened at an event, they may feel like it would ruin the fun and joy. Perhaps they fear causing trouble for the individuals and businesses involved in organizing the event. There is also the fear of retaliation that keeps many women silent. A woman might worry that other men will feel the need to protect the reputation of the offender, rather than supporting the victim. The list could go on and on.
Plus, when you’re in the middle of a frightening situation, it’s hard to think clearly.
Much of the inner work I have been doing on myself focuses on empowerment. Being empowered as a woman. Using my voice, and using it loudly when necessary. Speaking out without fear of the consequences or who might think what or what kind of conflict will be created by using my voice. That is the whole point of this blog. A safe space for my voice. And I have a lot to say.
Empowerment has been one of the hardest things for me to learn, because as women, we are typically not taught to be empowered. Fear and intimidation teach us that it’s easier to be silent. It’s easier to just keep the peace, instead of facing the possibility of being threatened, yelled at, facing anger, rage, physical violence, loss of a job, you name it. We learn that it is not safe to use our voice and “cause a scene.”
While she was telling me about the assault, I felt a swell of fierceness and fire rising up. A very protective feeling, one I have not experienced much in the past. I was always afraid to stand up for myself or others. This time, I knew it would have been different. If my friend had informed me of what happened when it happened, I have no doubt that I would have told whomever I needed to tell. If they didn’t take any action, I would have asked/made the man leave on my own. And I would have caused a scene.
What is even more sad about this situation, and a testament to how little rights we as women feel we have over our body, is that it didn’t even occur to me that the police should have been called. This man should have faced more repercussions than just being asked to leave the venue.
Fortunately, my friend escaped her assaulter and suffered no physical injury from the attack. Nevertheless, the details she was able to give me made it plain that what happened was a crime. And I didn’t even realize it until a few days later.
While I’m out dancing, exploring this new, less encumbered, freer, more empowered being that I have uncovered, it has often crossed my mind that perhaps I should hold back a little.
Hold back on my laughter and joy, my eye contact, my body movements, watch what I say...just in case any of these things might be misinterpreted by a man.
And my answer is no. If I want to laugh and sing and move my body, I will. I refuse to monitor my actions and words out of fear that a man might feel that it is his RIGHT to impose himself on me. It is never a right to force yourself on someone else, based on what they’re wearing, their actions, words or anything.
I am very fortunate that I have not experienced what my friend experienced, but I have had multiple men try to blatantly grope me, either during or after a dance. That is not dancing. I don’t go to dances to be groped. When I first started dancing, I did not feel empowered enough to say no or to physically keep them further away during a dance when I felt uncomfortable.
I have become empowered enough now to stop those men from touching me. I recently refused to dance with a man who was being too touchy for my comfort level. I said no and did not give an explanation. Which is a whole other blog topic. Apologizing or giving an excuse when we say no. We don’t need to. End of story.
If you experience assault or harassment of any kind, tell someone. If that person doesn’t do anything, tell someone else. It won’t stop until we make it stop by using our voice and shining light. Keeping it hidden under fear only allows it to grow.
Women need to feel safe. It is time to make it safe, and it’s up to all of us, men and women, to use our voices.
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