Stop Panicking, Erin

My journey to overcome panic disorder and agoraphobia

[stoppanickingerin]

02.18.22

Holy shit I forgot about this blog. Let’s just say things aren’t perfect, but they’re much better. I managed to have a job last summer, and it’s looking like I’m gonna graduate from college. I’m in therapy weekly, and I’m finally stable and not sick from my meds. It took a hell of a lot of exposure therapy and now EMDR, but things truly did get better :)) I’m going on a spring break trip with my friends in a couple weeks, which will be the true measure of how far I am in my journey of overcoming agoraphobia!

[stoppanickingerin]

04.02.21

This week had some successes. I made the 5.5 hr drive home just fine, I was only anxious the first hour and a half and I coped with it well. Today, I had two doctor's appointments, which was a nightmare due to some traumatic medical experiences over the past few months, but I made it through with no panic attacks. I got prescribed birth control, which I'll probably hold off on taking for awhile because my body can't handle more med side effects, and I also have to use a glucose monitor ugh which is terrible. I also went into my grandparents house for the first time in over a year (safely) and it was so nice! Now I'm very worn out and tbh idk where I'm gonna get the willpower to drive back to school. Depression is hitting hard tonight so I'm just gonna go easy on myself and see how I feel tomorrow, rather than forcing myself to wake up early to leave. I just wanna feel like myself again.

[stoppanickingerin]

03.27.21

Today was... good? At least okay? I haven't had a day like this in literal months. I felt kind of normal. I had an interview in the morning, then I went to campus to hang out with friends, ate lunch, and sat in the library. I cranked out one and a half french essays. A year ago this would've been a standard boring day but today it felt like a special occasion. I even baked some banana muffins and made pasta when I got home, and it's been weeks since I've had the energy to cook. I really really hope this means the zoloft is working, and this isn't some fluke. We'll see tomorrow. I just want to be able to hang out with my friends again without crippling anxiety.

[stoppanickingerin]

03.19.21

Sorry it's been a hot sec, I started zoloft two weeks ago and it's been a hell of a ride. Basically I had extreme nausea and increased anxiety for a week and a half, just at 12.5 mg, and tonight I'm going up to 25 so wish me luck. I hope this works out in the long run. My side effects have died down but I've seen no improvement in my anxiety. My depression has improved, but probably because the sun is out.

My anxiety has worsened, and it's getting harder and harder to leave. I know exposure therapy is what I need to do, but some days it's just too hard. I'm so tired. I'm not built to withstand this. I did get officially diagnosed with agoraphobia today by my new therapist, and even though I knew I had it, it instilled a sense of hopelessness in me. I fear I'll never recover, and I don't know how to convince myself otherwise.

Being diagnosed did give me the courage to talk to my roommate about what I'm going through. I felt horribly anxious just talking about it, but he was so supportive. My heart physically feels full after that conversation, and I'm glad to have him. I also had lunch with a friend today, though I wasn't able to eat and barely even speak because of my anxiety. I also saw my grandparents!! My anxiety calmed down with them after the first 20 minutes or so, with the help of some EMDR techniques. My grandma revealed she used to have a panic disorder (not agoraphobia though), and she gave me a teddy bear to accompany me through this tough time, and honestly it's what got me through today. I just hope things improve soon, and that I find the willpower to do more exposure.

[stoppanickingerin]

03.03.21

It's been a very hard few days. I was informed my university can longer treat me since my mental illness is so severe (even though I was told a month ago that all of the therapists were qualified to treat panic disorder... what a joke). I applied for disability accomodations to attend class remotely for a temporary time period, but they were lowkey rejected. I'm still waiting on the final verdict, I can only hope my therapist fights for me. I've also had to spend hours calling local therapists, but so far they all either aren't taking new clients or don't treat panic disorder. I feel very alone and abandoned and scared. I'm so tired of fighting for help. I have in-person class tomorrow that I guess I have to go to, we'll see how that goes.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.28.21

Today was pretty unproductive, and my room has fallen into full-fledged depression mode, but I ate alright and I didn't feel very anxious so that was good. I went over to my neighbor's these evening and it was nice to have some social interaction. I really need to leave my apartment more or I'm never going to get better. I'm a little stressed now because I haven't done any of my homework for this week but I'll work that out tomorrow. Hopefully I feel ok.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.27.21

Once again, a very rough few days. I had a panic attack during class on Thursday and I was physically not able to leave, which is my absolute worst nightmare, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go back to class. This may be the end of the semester for me unfortunately. Eventually my meds kicked in and I was able to go to my next class and TA, though I was quite high. Then they started wearing off and I was still shaking.

The next day was better, I was able to get lunch with a friend which was a big deal because I get so anxious about eating in front of people. And even without food, I dread hanging out in person. I also zoomed a friend that evening and did a zoom painting event too

Unfortunately this morning I woke up with my period which exacerbated my nausea to an unbearable degree. I can't believe I didn't puke, but with dramamine, ibuprofen, sea bands, ginger gum, and a heating pad I barely survived. I judged a science fair for four hours in the morning and spent the rest of the day incapacitated laying on the floor. I'm so fed up with feeling sick. This evening I did do a fun zoom event with my friends and just talked to my roommate for a couple hours, so that was good. I definitely didn't eat enough today and I still feel kind of nauseous but it's back tomorrow.

Hopefully tomorrow is better or else I'm not going to get my homework done. Also I just can't stand this feeling any longer. I want to be better. I have to give a massive presentation soon, and my partner was randomly assigned, and I don't know how to tell her that I will probably not be able to make it through the presentation without puking or collapsing. I feel so bad she got put with me. I want to believe I can get through it, but I know my stress about it will just continue to make me more anxious ugh!

[stoppanickingerin]

02.22.21

It's been a rough few days.... I barely increased my med dosage but I was basically bedridden with nausea and vertigo. I took dramamine today but I wound up sleeping all day except to struggle through my couple of zoom classes. I decided my meds make me sick enough and I shouldn't increase my dose, but we'll see how tomorrow is. Honestly being debilitated by nausea is slightly better than anxiety, but it makes it even harder to get to class.

I'm also dealing with so much fear about this being how my brain is forever. Before this, I could make last second plans, now I don't even want to make plans in advance. I'm sick and miserable and angry with my brain. I've made the decision to get better, I've taken the steps, but it's not working.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.20.21

I think I forgot yesterday, it was a pretty chill day with no classes, and I had a psych appointment where I my dose of Buspar was doubled. I'm pretty worried about this. I took an increased dose last evening and I was awake for 4 hours in the middle of the night with the room spinning, nausea, and restless legs, and I woke up with a super dry mouth and a low fever. I don't think I'm sick though? Luckily I tested negative for covid just yesterday. I increased my dose this evening too, and I'm already feeling dizzy, but hopefully I don't feel as sick tomorrow ugh. It was also a bit questionable that the psych diagnosed me with mild depression considering I was recently diagnosed with severe depression and it's entirely debilitating, but I guess it doesn't matter too much because I don't want to get back on SSRIs anyways.

I'm getting so worried about my dread and avoidance towards hanging out with people. I don't want to see my friends at all, not even my roommate, and I was kinda relieved that I felt so sick today that I had an excuse to cancel my plans. This isn't the real me. I used to live a hyper social lifestyle, and I was thriving, but now I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends, even though they are my favorite people in the world. What a nightmare :(

[stoppanickingerin]

02.18.21

Whoops I forgot to write last night. Yesterday was super busy, I had two in person classes, one of which my assigned seat is the very front and center, and then I had work, all of this non-stop. I was a bit anxious and absolutely exhausted afterwards, but I totally made it through. I even had a slight appetite. Afterwards, I just stayed up late talking to my roommate, so now I'm dead tired, but so happy that I had a successful normal day.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.17.21

Whoops I think I forgot to post yesterday, it was a busy day but overall alright.

Today was a but less busy, but still filled with schoolwork. I'm absolutely the worst in my French class but I'm kinda ok with it, and at least I participated once in philo. I also finished my homework early so I just worked on a puzzle. Eating was fairly easy today, though I found myself disgusted by my former favorite ice cream :( apparently that can be a symptom of depression, I'm bummed about that. My anxiety wasn't bad at all, but I'm already getting worked up about tomorrow ugh, I have over 6 hours straight of in-person class and TA-ing. I hope I make it through, but y'know what, it's also ok if I don't. Sometimes that's just how life goes.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.15.21

Today was also alright, but depression is really getting to me. I did a short workout this morning and went for a walk, so I'm proud of that, and I think I may try to do some cardio on Wednesday, which has been very difficult since developing this panic disorder. I'm trying to slowly get back in shape since I know that'll help my mental health, and maybe it'll even help get my appetite back.

Tomorrow is going to be rough considering I'll have to drive through a foot of snow to go to class and get covid tested, but I'm trying not to be anxious. I just have so much to get through on Tuesdays and Thursdays that it's hard not to. I do have my 8am therapy tomorrow, oh boy, and I'm hoping to speedrun it so I can finally get some helpful advice.

My anxiety was actually fairly low today. Again, I started shaking before I took my night meds, luckily I'm seeing the psych on Friday so maybe I need a higher dose. I wonder if I'll get something for depression, too, but probably not because I would choose death over my SSRI side effects. So hopefully I can learn something in therapy to help with that. I just wish it was sunny again so I could tell if this is just SAD or not.

Most of my day was spent slowly doing homework or in class. I am already so behind on homework but I just have to prioritize sleep and health. I'm doing my best.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.14.21

Happy Valentine's to those who celebrate. Today was an okay day. This is the lowest my anxiety has been in months, probably because I had no plans, but it was a nice break. My depression on the other hand, oh boy. My happy lamp alone is not enough, but I'm going to try to start exercising and getting out more to get some serotonin back.

Basically I just laid around all day, did some homework, but then I finally went for a walk. I asked my neighbor to come too, but I tragically forgot it was Valentine's Day and he had plans with his gf. After I got back, I ate dinner (quiche! my favorite) and hung out and did homework with my roommate for awhile. Then we gamed with some friends. It was a really nice evening, and the happiest I've felt in awhile. On the downside, I got so caught up in gaming that I forgot my evening meds until I started shaking from anxiety, and I'm also growing more certain that I'm lactose intolerant given how much my stomach hurt after eating that quiche. Whoops. Time for bed now, hopefully tomorrow is also alright.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.13.21

What a wild day today. Actually not that wild, but one of my best friends got sick and my roommate was lowkey a close-ish contact so that's a lil scary. I might start quarantining soon, which makes my agoraphobia a bit too happy. I did homework all day, definitely dealt with some anxiety, and then I went to campus to hang out with a friend.

While we were hanging out, my sick friend called me to bring her medicine since she had a high fever and our stupid university wouldn't help her. My overprotective instincts kicked in and I was absolutely enraged. Of course I brought her some meds and food and drinks, but I'm so pissed that our school could just lock her in a hotel and abandon her like that. Surprisingly, the anger briefly cured my anxiety for a couple hours, since I finally had something to focus on.

I had quite a bit of trouble eating today, which was annoying. I've completely redeveloped my fear of eating in front of people, too, and I'll definitely bring that up with my therapist this week because I do not need an eating disorder on top of all this. We'll see how tomorrow is.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.12.21

Today was a fun fresh reminder that I've actually been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I couldn't get out of bed for hours, and I just ruminated on how I haven't felt joy in months. However, I managed to get up, eat, and do a 10 minute workout, which didn't leave me feeling any better but at least I did something. I also didn't have a full panic attack hangover, so I guess I took my meds on time last night. I need to use this experience to remind myself that panic attacks can be a bad and embarrassing few hours, but nothing more.

This afternoon I had a little adventure with a friend when I tried to go drop off my compost, which involved jumping a fence and some good laughs. It helped break me out of my funk. This evening, I managed to keep my anxiety at a bearable level and made it to the library to study with a friend.

On my way there, I had a revelation. I literally never stop thinking about my anxiety. It's stolen my brain from me. I can't remember what I'd think about before all this happened to me. Luckily talking to my friend was a good distraction and it helped me push the anxiety away. I need to focus on... not focusing on anxiety. Ugh I just want my life back.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.11.21

TW// drug use, suicidal thoughts

Major setback today, but let's start with the good stuff.

I had a full day of class and then TA-ing a lab for 2 hours. It was excruciating anxiety-wise and I was exhausted, but I did it. I was also not a helpful TA at all, but hey that's ok, it's for physics 1.

However, I must have pushed myself too hard. I went home and shook for a good couple hours before remembering that my heat had been fixed and this was a panic attack coming on. I did some progressive muscle relaxation, and then I went to campus to an event with friends. However, I made it about a minute in before I had to leave before I puked in the middle of a ballroom. I decided to take my emergency benzos, which I was formerly dependent on and hadn't taken for a month. I'm genuinely scared of getting addicted again, but sometimes I'm bedridden for days with anxiety, physical illness, and intrusive thoughts after a panic attack-- that's how bad they are. I'm gonna try to sleep now, I better not have a nocturnal panic attack, those are what scare me most.

Anyways, maybe I should quit my job? I actually like TA-ing but with my mental health and also barely making minimum wage to be exposed to dozens of students in a covid hotspot is not really worth it. I can also afford to drop a class, which I don't want to, but maybe if it keeps me in school. At the same time, I feel like I need to stay busy and continue exposure therapy to stave off the agoraphobia. Idk what to do, I just want this to stop. Advice appreciated.

[stoppanickingerin]

02.10.21

Today was a bit better. I had a very rough start, but I decided to switch up the timing of my meds and I realized they might actually be working. On one hand that's great, but, on the other hand, I think they could be causing my nausea and loss of appetite so it's unfortunate I'll have to stay on them.

I've barely left my room today, simply because I had SO much homework. Tomorrow's the big day, with many classes AND TA-ing ahh I better not get anxious. I don't want to have to quit on the first day. I can do this. I did order a new book on anxiety, but Amazon couldn't find my apartment :( hopefully that gets here soon. For now, I'm gonna do a mediation/yoga and go to bed.