#overcomingmentalillness

[stoppanickingerin]

02.09.21

Very bad day today. After my panicky bit last night, I woke up feeling ill and shaky and awful this morning. I had therapy first thing, and then 3 classes which I failed to participate in, but I did manage to go to my in-person one with no issues. It's just so exhausting to be this anxious all the day, to the point that I wonder if I can make it through the day alive. It takes everything out of me, and I'm getting really worried about how TA-ing is going to go on Thursday.

Since today was very, very bad, like I-need-to-drop-out-of-school-and-be-institutionalized type bad, I'm going to include some positive affirmations here to remind myself that this isn't the end of my life:

- Today is 4 weeks panic attack free, which means tomorrow is 4 weeks benzo free. You've made SO much progress, so you can make more.

- It's ok to be too anxious to go to class or work. It's an awkward conversation to have, but that's just how life is sometimes.

- Recovery has ups and downs. Today was a down. Looking at the past week on this blog, it is absolutely possible for things to feel better, even though you're not totally back to normal.

Speaking of which, I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. When will anxiety not be on my mind? Will I ever have an appetite/not be nauseous again? (Let me know if you have tips on that.) I miss my old life so much. I miss being happy. I miss feeling normal. I don't know where to find optimism nowadays, but I've got to somehow.

[stoppanickingerin]

My Resources

First of all, please go to therapy and get medicated, if financially possible. It’s hard, and it may take awhile to find a therapist and meds that work for you, but you have to do it. I’ve had very bad experiences with both, so, while I’m working through that, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.

1. “Mastery of Your Anxiety and Panic” workbook by Barlow and Craske. This is based in CBT, and my life was changed even in the first few pages. It was so affirming to hear my experience described precisely, after therapists had made me feel like I had a hopelessly horrible case. It walks you through improving your thought process and developing coping mechanisms, and eventually I will get to the exposure therapy part. I would highly, highly recommend.

2. Headspace meditation app. It’s the best practice I’ve found for becoming good at breathing exercises -- don’t discount the helpfulness of these. There is even an anxiety-specific course.

3. Emotional Brain Training. I have the “Wired for Joy” book -- I feel like it’s made more for anxiety than for a panic disorder, but it emphasizes the importance of regularly practicing your coping skills, and also gives some advice on how to keep your brain physically healthy (vitamins etc).

[stoppanickingerin]

Panic Disorder Backstory

TW// mental illness

Hi all, I am making this blog to share my journey about overcoming a panic disorder, and to provide tools and tips about what helped me.

This started back in September, when I woke up one morning at 4am having a panic attack. I’d only had one in the past two years, so it was strange but I thought it would pass in 20 minutes or so. Instead, it never stopped.

It was an awful experience -- shaking uncontrollably, horrible nausea, and, most scarily, losing the ability to swallow even water most of the time. Over the next four days, I wound up in the hospital twice, and both times were awful experiences. First, I was given a Xanax and kicked out, the second time I was given an Ativan prescription.

I’ll try to keep this short, so, in summary, I couldn’t stop having panic attacks. They were such awful experiences I developed a phobia of them, hence, I now had a panic disorder. Nowhere was a safe place for me, but I still developed extreme avoidance behaviors, and had a classic case of agoraphobia. I would have rather died than gone in a car, classroom, etc. I’m in college, so I managed to get by off of some disability accommodations and a heavy Ativan prescription.

Here is where I’ll say it -- don’t take benzos. Maybe if you’re being prescribed 5mg per month, it could be fine, but NEVER take them daily. You will become dependent. You will become addicted. I chose to withdraw after taking 2-3 mg per day for 2 months, and I thought I was going to die. My university would not help me, and I learned from other medical professionals later on that I legitimately could have died. Please be careful.

I was put on Lexapro at this time, which did nothing for my anxiety. It simply destroyed my gastrointestinal system. Note, please do give SSRIs a chance -- they work for plenty of people, they can just have icky side effects. They did not work for me, and when my dosage was upped, I became su*cidal. Also make sure you have a support system in place when you wean off, because they can mess with your brain. I’ve been off Lexapro for a month now, and I’ve been on a low-ish dose of Buspar during that time. The only side effect of that is dizziness, and I’m not sure if it’s helping, but I don’t want to quit to find out.

Now, classes start back tomorrow, so I have to challenge my panic disorder all the time. I have to recover. These months have been a hell I do not wish on anyone -- for anyone else suffering like this, I’m here for you. The constant fear and physical discomfort is unbearable, I know, but I’m sharing my journey and progress to show -- to myself and to you -- that it is possible to overcome.

[holdfastradio]

O is for open a dialogue to explore your illness on h_o_l_d_f_a_s_t__radio

[fabianolflucas-blog]

#Repost @thought_theorum • • • • • • Will never not repost this 🖤 • • • • •#overcomingmentalillness #anxietydisorders #anxietycoach #anxietyanddepression #mindfullnesstherapy #mentalhealthblog #anxietyawareness #overcominganxiety #bipolarawareness #anxietyfighter #mentalhealthquotes #chronicillnesswarrior #depressionawareness #mentalhealthsupport #recoverywarrior #recoveryquotes (at Miramar.BsAs) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_ONRkODWJb/?igshid=rpiuaw3xh0n8

[zoesanxiouslife]

Run for it

Second post in a day? Like whaaaat *Problem ft. Bad Lucc anyone? No? K*

I just came back from an 1h long run and since I have a good day, plus bigger amount of endorpfins now, I had this idea in my mind: how fucking good is it to go and have a wonderful workout without this mentality that i “have to” workout (relatable?) because of calories, because I had one bite too much of this sandwich, one additional candy. Instead, I WANT to workout, I want to take care, I want to relax while running, cycling, doing yoga. And you know what? If I do’t feel like working out for a week and I won’t. 

I addmit, exercising does keep my sane in many ways, I struggle a lot to have this better, healthier mentality. For 90% there still is anxiety related to my body and the way I’ll look if I don’t workout for a week or even two days. I’m not here to sugarcoat my recovery but I am damn proud to be attempting one. Good days like today a very rare but they happen. For these days I’m keeping up with my recovery.

And you should too because You WILL HAVE THESE DAYS AS WELL. Believe in it and slowly achive it. Recovery is worh it. 

Love Zoe  11/08/18

[zoesanxiouslife]

Recovery

Well, long story short, I’ve been failing in my recovery for some time. 

Since I came back from mental hospital I dont’t feel like I’m doing much of a progress. Mostly with my ED. It sucks so bad, I thought I was over it in the most part. I guess not. Don’t get me wrong I do everything to stay positive in my recovery, I still say loud “fuck you” to my anorexia and I do not see relapse as an option. Fuck no, I can do better, my ED does not control me anymore, it never will. You can do better as well, be contrary to your illness, tease it, CONTROL IT. I know that it is hard to understand, belive me I do, but for real we can take control of our lifes and thougts. If you feel bad about yourself, try to think of all of the crazy amazing things you have done, because you do have such things in your life. A lot of them.

Love Zoe 

PS I also ate two croissants as that “fuck you” I mentioned above

[zoesanxiouslife]

Overusing “okay”

I’m not doing much today. Watching “Peaky blinders” and listening to Baekhyun’s and Suzy’s “dream” and honestly, with all my love for both of them, I dont like it. It’s boring in so many ways. But that’s off the topic.

I wanted to write a short note about overusing “I’m okay” “Yes, i’m fine” “It’s all good” Frankly, I’m the worst one to teach you how to express your feelings because personally I never say what’s on my mind, what i want or think if it comes to relations, mental health, moods and all kinds of “mental stuff”. But I’ve noticed that whenever somebody asks me “Hi how are you?” I always, meticulously respond “I’m okay” since for almost half of a year I’m not. I haven’t been “fine” for a fuckin long time. But am I sayin it out loud? Fuck no. This is something that i’m afraid of. Saying what i feel, how I feel, what i think and how i really am in general. I don’t like people who complain and even more i would hate being one of them. So I don’t complain, i don’t talk about “serious” things, few months back i wasn’t talking at all, now I’m able to carry on small talk but as soon as it hits some important, mental topics- I cut shit off. And I cant help it. If you ar doing the same you probably relate to me. We can’t control it. 

Doing things and doing things on purpose are very different.  I never wanted to became “socialy akward”, feeling constant scare of future and what other people think about me. I truly haven’t. But is it an excuse of lying to everybody around you? No, it is not. 

I know it will be hard, trust me i do. But if I could start talking and opening to people once again you can do it as well. I’m not asking you to start saying about all the feelings that you feel just try to talk about little things. Then step by step we will be able to go to “deeper topics”. I’m not in that place yet and i don’t know when i will get to it. All we have is hope and the courage to practise our social abilities. Let’s just stick to them and do not let them go.

Love, Zoe