Nobody I know understands how I’m feeling right now. How could they? I feel like I’m living in some kind of goddamn soap opera. My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. The woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the woman that I loved more than I’ve ever been able to love myself is carrying the child of another man. And all this just 6 months after leaving me. Leaving me after nearly 4 years together, and during the most difficult part of my life when I really needed someone to lean on.
I’m furious, upset, and hurt more deeply than I ever thought I could be. I thought my nights of crying myself to sleep over her were done, but here we are. I try to put on a brave face and be strong for those around me, but I’m not. I haven’t really told many people this, but when she left me, I seriously considered taking my own life. I didn’t, because I knew I needed to be strong for everyone around me. For my dad who was still in the hospital, for my cat who was still just a kitten, and for my friends for whom I’ve always needed to be a rock. I had to be strong and I had to get through it because I wasn’t the only one that depended on me. I had to wade through the shit and I came out the other side a different man. I didn’t, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t nights I didn’t come close. I still keep a bottle of Draino and a pack of razors under my sink as a reminder of what I came close to.
She doesn’t know that. She knows she hurt me, but doesn’t know how much. And I don’t know, maybe some part of me wants her to see this; wants her to suffer knowing that she broke me. And this is just rubbing salt in all those wounds. But I know I’m not a part of her life anymore. I know that it’s not fair for me to tell her this when she seems so happy without me. It’s so hard, and I need to get through it. But every time I say something to one of my friends they just say I need to move on. How can they know what I’m feeling? How would they have any idea? I’m not okay and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not in danger of hurting myself; I’m past that and I’m working on learning to be happy again, but it hurts so goddamn much.
