Neu·rot·ic n(y)o͝oˈrädik

suffering from, caused by, or relating to neurosis. synonyms: mentally ill, mentally disturbed, unstable, unbalanced, maladjusted

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L doesn't want me to call him Mufasa in the bedroom. This is disappointing. THE POWER THOUGH. https://youtu.be/7wZdvyWxfZM

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I have a few bags of balloons in my nightstand, like i probably have about 45 balloons total in there. I want to just lay here and blow them up and throw them on the floor.

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I go way too long between updates on this thing lately it seems. Which is fine, as i was mainly using this blog to whine about shit...but lately i haven't felt like doing much whining. I did start getting really depressed again, so that's not good...but there are good things happening in my life so there's no reason at all for it. THANK YOU chemical imbalances -_- On the bright side, I'll be talking to my doctor in a couple days to discuss the possible necessity of increasing my dosage on my antidepressants, so if she thinks that's what i need to do, then so be it. I'm working again, so that's exciting. Just started the grind again today though, so we'll see how long it takes me to get back in the groove, but i feel like it won't take long. Then I'll be rolling in money and i can go to a ton of festivals this summer yay!! As for an update on the boys, there are no boys left except L. 😊 turns out he DOES like me a lot more than i thought, which is really exciting because gosh I'm just so smitten. He's the official boyfriend now, and i am SO SINCERELY hoping i don't fuck this up. I have to try my hardest to keep him because i can honestly say that so far he's perfect. It's hilarious though, he's had a LOTTTTTTTT LOT LOT more partners than me sexually, and yet he thinks I'm more advanced than him because I've done some stuff he hasn't. I think he only feels that way though because he has trouble getting me off. I get it, i really do. But it's not that I'm more advanced or like, that he's bad at stuff or anything like that. I just have a hard time getting there. 😔 it sucks and i don't want him to feel like it's him just because I'm difficult. I mean, if either of us knew how to do it we'd be set. But he doesn't know how to get me there, and unfortunately i don't know how either so i can't tell him like, "hey do this!" No such luck. I wonder if he's had trouble getting girls off in the past, or if he's normally awesome at it and i just suck. Like, i wonder where i fall on the scale of difficulty. It's not that I've never gotten off during sex, because i THINK it has happened? Maybe? I'm not sure. I know USUALLY i can't get off with penetration alone. But is that normal? I need to find out if that's common or if i just have ruined myself by masturbating with pretty much only clit simulation majority of my life. ALSO. Even if that IS the case, we have tried some vibrating toys (which are how i do it like 99% of the time) but for some reason i couldn't get there!!!! It's not that he wasn't doing it right, and i even took over at one point to try to make it happen, but I COULDN'T DO IT. I don't know why! I mean he turns me on so much...HE'S SO HOT AND THE SEX IS SO GOOD...I mean i honestly Can not get enough of him. But for some reason i can't get off. Maybe it's because I'm thinking about it too much now. 😞 I just need to get nice and drunk so I'm not thinking about it, and then just go to town with him. WHICH REMINDS ME, I need to ask my doctor if I'm allowed to drink at all on these pills or what the deal is with that... But yeah. So that's my life rn. Lots of L, just beginning work again, SOMUCHRAVE. Oh my god. Have i even gone into the raving at all here?! Probably not. But i don't feel like it right now. I've found my niche and it's so beautiful. It's just breathtaking how wonderful the rave world is. So much plur. ❤❤❤❤

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I'm so fucking aggravated.

This is why I'm not friends with girls. This shit is ridiculous. It's C2's birthday today and S is of course trying to put her hands in literally everything. She's trying to control what I do for c2 for his birthday because it doesn't align well with what she wants to do. Well guess what bitch, I've had this planned for like a week and a half since he told me his birthday was coming up. And here you are hitting me up just a couple hours before we're all going over there to throw something together last minute? How about you lick my balls.

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It's been a while and I need to rant

I have no idea what was going on with my last post, as it’s been a little while, so I’m just going to dive in to what’s going on right now so I can get it off my chest and hopefully get to sleep. I’m going to try to do this in chronological order so that I can keep it straight when I read all of this later, and I’m sure some of these people are new so whatever, there’s that too. So I don’t even want to go into the situation with S because I’m over it now, moved on and I’m all good. But we probably won’t be hanging out a whole lot anymore. So anyways, minor background on a couple new names.. I wasn’t going to give background but now that I’m actually writing, i feel like i want to. I met L on tinder, we talked for quite a while before we hung out, then eventually he came over to my place once to make some kandi. I was hesitant to hang out with him because I wasn’t sure how interested i was, but THAT was insane of me because I’M SO INTERESTED. More on that later.

J is a dude i met at a club, he hit on me pretty intensely which was a bit unnerving but we ended up talking more and he seemed cool so i got him on fb.

Soooooooo Friday night i went to stay over at L’s place, this was our second time ever seeing each other and the first overnight together. He lives pretty far away but I really like him so I was fine with the drive. He is really incredibly sweet and he’s so much fun, and we have so much in common…and as it turns out the sex was great too, so it’s pretty much just a winning scenario all around. Except i wasn’t sure how serious he was about me, so i was just in kind of a “hope for the best but try to keep my expectations low” kind of mindset.

So then Saturday i head back home, chill for a bit, then decide i want to go out. So i wanted to go out to my favorite club out here, but nobody wanted to come so I was like OOH i wonder if J wants to come out.. I invited j and he was all for it, so that was cool. Except we ended up hanging out afterwards and we got to making out and i gave him head. And I’m not sure entirely how i feel about this. On the one hand, he IS cute, we had a ton of fun going out, we definitely vibe sexually, and i AM actually interested in him. Except on the other hand, i definitely like L more and hope he decides he wants to keep me around, so i feel guilty for fooling around with someone else. Which is silly because we aren’t exclusive or anything but hey that’s just me i guess. Plus, if we’re being honest with ourselves here I’m PRETTY sure j is only interested in me physically, and not as a person. And also he’s only nice to me when he’s fucked up. And he was super awkward in the morning. And he didn’t kiss me when i left, which bothered me a lot. And he sent me a YouTube link of him doing rap battles and it was literally some of the meanest stuff I’ve ever heard. I’m mostly worried that he’s one of those people who is beautiful on the outside, but judgemental, vain, and has a “better than you” frame of mind on the inside. But only when he’s sober. When he’s high or drunk he’s such an amazing human being…and i think that’s why i was even attracted to him at all. He really does have softness in his heart…IT’S IN THERE SOMEWHERE DARN IT! He wants me to hit him up to go out again, but because of the fact that he was weird in the morning, i think I’m just going to keep my silence and see if he hits me up first. I’m going to just assume that he got close enough to what he wanted and he’s done with me now. Part of me hopes that’s not the case, but at the same time there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t give a shit at all because of this next bit of news…. Today L invited me to go away with him for a weekend to Florida. To. Fucking. FLORIDA. For just a weekend. Like wait, WHAT?!! Are you SERIOUS right now? It definitely makes me feel like he’s more interested in me than i initially expected, and makes me feel WAYYYYYY more guilty for blowing J.

It’s fine though. Shit happens. I enjoyed it and frankly, i wanted to bang him too and i might have done it if i wasn’t on my period so whatever. I’m going to just go with what i want to do even if i feel like a total hoe for doing it. Unless, of course, L wants to date. Then it’s FUUUUCCCKKKKK everybody else lol.

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K

Uhm, so K is cute af. He's been snapping me this morning and i might actually die. I can't even deal with him. He wants to go to the gym, and he also wants another one of my awesome massages and I'm just like DUDE NO. THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. BECAUSE IF I GET ALONE WITH YOU AND AM ALLOWED TO PUT MY HANDS ALL OVER YOU, I REALLY AM NOT GOING TO HAVE THE BEST SELF CONTROL. FFS. I either need to be in a committed relationship or free to fuck whoever i want. And soon. This limbo bs is NOT working out for me.

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K

So K just texted me asking what I'm doing. I told him i was getting ready to go out with S, and invited him along. He said he was headed to the gym, but said we should hang out tomorrow. I'm assuming he was going to invite me to the gym. It'll be fun to hang out with him again, but I've been dodging him because i don't want my feelings to pop back up.... Plus it's been a long time since I've gotten laid and K and i had a lot of fun when we were fwb. Soooo I'm going to be having pervy thoughts even though i wouldn't act on them because I'm trying to get K2 to be my guy. But pervy thoughts are no good...I'm going to have to come home all hot and bothered and just angrily do it myself. Grrrrrrr. Dammit.

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K2

So i told K2 that I'm being ridiculous lately and I'm not sure why...i told him that i wasn't sure if it was the meds, or being sick, or what...but that he can either deal with it until I'm stabilized or he can run if he wants. I told him i don't want him to go anywhere, but i understand if he doesn't want to deal with me. I would get it. He just said he was just waiting for me to stop being sick and to stop being psycho. So i get it. :/ I told him it's probably safest to keep a distance for a little bit. This way, i can calm down my feelings and chill out on how much i like him...then i can ease into the feelings. I just got way too excited about him way too fast. That's not a good thing, because then i get all crazy and stupid and act based on my emotions rather than logic. We seem to be okay though. So that's good.

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Meeting S

So i didn't bring S up in my intro thing, and I'm not sure why, but she's a new friend of mine and straight up she's THE SHHIIITTTT. Coolest chick I've met in a long time, and I'm totally pumped that I've gotten to meet her. I don't have many friends that are girls, or many friends at all for that matter, so that just makes it even more exciting! I mean ...it's kind of like "oh my god, another human being actually likes me for the person i am? What?" So that's exciting. So yeah. That's S. Anywho, I'm going out with S tonight, and that should be fun. Except I'm having one of those days where i just hate my face. So that's great. Oh well. Who cares. S is going to be cuter than me regardless, so it doesn't even matter hahaha she's totally adorable and i love it 😊😊

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J

Well i kinda snapped at J for his comment and he apologized in probably the most heartfelt way humanly possible. Like, I'm pretty sure if i had any REAL happiness left inside me that could be triggered, THAT would've done it and I'd actually be in tears right now because it was really sweet. He explained that he is so happy to know that he always has me, and I'm so important to him...that I'm his best friend and that he will never give up on me. So that was super comforting and i feel like an asshole, but for some reason i still feel aggravated and don't wanna tell him stuff because I'm mad. WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE AND WHINEY. I really need to know why I'm so ridiculous. Like, i try to pretend I'm not...i usually just keep my mouth shut. But honestly? I really am really ridiculous. I am just so nice and kind and compassionate and giving ALL THE TIME, TO LITERALLY EVERYBODY, for no reason at all! And yet I don't receive that from others usually and I just get so upset because i don't understand why people don't treat each other the way *I* treat people. The world would be such a better place. :(

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J

Ohhhhhhh my god. I just remembered that when i was probably like 14 or so i told J i had cancer. Like, i wanted to see how he'd react. Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever heard in your entire life? That's completely awful...how could i DO something like that to somebody?! Jesus. I should be put down.

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J

Wowwwwww. So i was having J double check that this blog didn’t show up anywhere on my main blog’s page, so that it can stay anonymous, and he asked what my secret blog was. I told him it’s basically just me whining about my life, and at the moment it’s primarily boys. His response was to say that it’s basically him as a blog because i whine to him all the time. BUT HE DOES THE SAME THING TO ME, LIKE THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR….TO WHINE ABOUT SHIT TO EACH OTHER.

I am pretty upset now because i feel like i really enjoy helping him when he’s worried or upset or WHATEVER, and i enjoy that he lets me into that part of his brain and life…but that it’s not reciprocated. Now i feel like he’s not on the same page with it, and i aggravate him or something.

So that’s cool. That’s done.

I’m not going to complain to him anymore. I’m probably being overdramatic about it, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s been like a million years since I’ve gotten laid, and I’m sick and haven’t been cuddled in ages either, so I’m just going to blame my ridiculous-ness on that.

Oh my god, or maybe it’s my antidepressants?!??? Those are new. I really haven’t been feeling like myself lately…like my feelings are hurt WAY more easily than usual, and i react to it in a pretty extreme way. I really wonder if that’s it…..

I should probably tell K2 that i think that’s probably an issue with me right now, and to either bear with me or we can put this on hold until I’m stabilized….

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So i added a snap to my story about food, and K2 was like "eat food, gain weight!" And i was being playful, so i snapped him back and was like "but then I'll get fat and you won't like me anymore! *pouty face*" So he responds with a snap saying (and i don't remember his exact words so i won't quote) something like "you could stand to gain some weight" or "i think you could handle gaining some weight" or "i think you'd be fine if you put on a little weight" or something like that. I was just like ......😬 excuse me So i snapped him back saying "are you saying I'm too skinny?" He said no. But I'm still annoyed. I feel like if anybody else on the entire planet would've said what he said, i would've taken it endearingly. But he says some shit with some REAL sass and i just feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is rude. All the time. WHY AM I STILL TRYING WITH THIS GUY. WHY WAS HE SO NICE TO ME IN PERSON AND MADE ME LIKE HIM. I'M SO AGGRAVATED AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS OR WHAT I WANT.

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Haven't heard from K2 in hours. Like since way earlier today. I don't even know why I'm trying with this guy. He's clearly not that interested...even when i do hear from him, it's like two words at a time. He probably just wants to nail me. That seems to be my experience lately. So that's awesome. On another note, K snapped me. So that was cool. At least somebody is paying attention to me, fuuuuuck. 😒

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K2

I really don't understand what this mother fucker expects....like how do you think this is SUPPOSED to be? So it was clearly expressed that it's not okay to talk to other people, so I'm like yeah cool that's fine... Except like... I hear from you only a couple times a day? Except you're clearly on your phone doing shit and whatever.... I mean like, if someone's busy, they're busy. That's fine. And i also don't expect constant communication. But i just really don't want to just feel like a convenience. I don't want to feel like you only want to talk to me when you're bored, lonely, or everybody else is busy/went to bed. I want to feel at least SOMEWHAT important, i mean i know it's early so i don't expect the world, but ffs could you at least act excited about me?

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Intro to the dudes

Alright, so in my recent past there have been some influences. For anonymity, everybody is being reduced to an initial. C - dated for a really long time, like YEARS and i was definitely madly in love with him. I'll probably whine about missing him a lot because i really fucked up and ruined that K - he was a fwb, but i started to like him so i kinda sorta ran away because I'm pretty sure we can't be together. Even though he's interested in more too. I don't even know what to do about that situation T - dated for about a month then he turned out to be a total scumbag...he's literally the actual most disgusting person I've ever been involved with, and he was really a waste of time K2 - dude I'm talking to right now, kinda trying to weigh his pros and cons and idk, it's not looking good. BUT HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD ;) lol J - the bff. We've been best friends for over a decade and i don't know what I'd do without him. So that's kinda it for now i think, if there's anybody new i bring up, I'll make sure to give a quick background.

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Just a warning:

I fully intend for this blog to be complete shit, but you know what? I don't care because sometimes you just need to get shit out of your brain. This blog will probably be mostly about boys and the drama that dating causes. Dating is fucking shit, by the way. Protip: Don't do it. I try not to talk to my friends about this shit too much because i know I'm nuts and i don't want to drive them crazy, but i need to talk to SOMEBODY so this is my new outlet. So it begins.