the penumbra podcast but if it was written by hets

to be clear i am a heterophobe (mod l is he/they 19, THERE ARE MODS THAT ARE MINORS).  cw for homophobia, transphobia, ableism, racism, misogyny - everything in that realm. We try to tag specifics, but we miss some. send us an ask if you need something tagged. Asks are now only for questions/complaints/etc, if you want to submit a hetcanon use the submission box 

[straighttpp]

The Heteroverse:

@straighttma (the magnus archives)

@straighttpp (us, the penumbra podcast- junoverse and second citadel)

@straightcriticalrole (critical role) 

@straightwtnv (welcome to night vale)

@thehetcanisms (the mechanisms)

@straightarsparadoxica (ars paradoxica)

@straightw359 (wolf 359)

@thesandersstraights (sanders sides)

@straightstarshipiris (the strange case of the starship iris)

@straighttaz (the adventure zone, all arcs afaik)

@straighta81 (archive 81)

@straightsf (stellar firma)

@straighttwoprinces (the two princes)

@straightgraduation (the adventure zone: graduation)

all posts made by these accounts should be tagged #hetcanons 

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In season 2, Juno just goes back to the HCPD and the entire season is just copaganda until he decides to go after the dirty criminals (the crime family, who are all extremely queer coded but evil) who are trying to make healthcare more accessible (if u don't make enough money u don't deserve to live owo /s) Rita either sees nothing wrong with this or betrays him so that he can have a moments hesitation before he kills her later (cause they had sex once).

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Alessandra only works with Juno because she's in love with him(as every woman is), and Juno is constantly exasperated by her ineptitude. She is seen as a desperate woman who only became a PI for Juno. She disappears after she stops being funny.

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Arum is extremely Jewish coded and was working with a secret group of lizard people the whole time

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juno wears this

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Rita is Juno's assistant that is in love with them (she's completely cishet, of course). She's played up as a seductive bimbo that, above all else, wants to get with Juno. She's still a master hacker, but Peter will have to step in and help her out with the "tough" stuff that's too hard for her. This infuriates her, but isn't seen as rude by anyone else.

Jet immediately falls in love with Rita when they meet, which makes Juno realize his feelings for her. Most of the show is taken up by Jet and Juno fighting over Rita, with Buddy occasionally flirting with her (which is played for laughs). Rita eventually ends up with Jet, and Juno is so heartbroken (for like two episodes) until he ends up with Vespa.

TL;DR: Rita fails both the Sexy Lamp and the Bechdel tests.

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Cishet Juno is voiced by Adam Sandler

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they treat vespas hallucinations like a slasher movie "oo crazy psycho!!!" and they send out official art of vespa in a straight jacket. gasoline - halsey amvs left and right

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vespas gender is untransed

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Lieutenant Loo is a cis woman and Khan is fucking her. There's a weird age gap. Loo is autistic coded and therefore stupid.

Lieutenant Loo is the best and I know the cis would slaughter them

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straight rita spreads fake unfunny gossip around and is obsessed with space game of thrones

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Juno is still enby and bi but in a Toxic, Conflicted way. It's later revealed that Ramses/Jack is his biological father and he took Sara's idea (because she's an incompetent woman and also like a 3/10 and he found someone hotter probably). Juno and Benten are non cishet because they didn't have a Father Figure around and adopted Female Traits from their mom. After Juno finds out, he realizes he's actually a Straight Man and essentially becomes a womanizer with mommy issues. Also he's a cop.

(Peter doesn't exist)

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in straight tpp vespas name is victoria

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tw: queerphobia, transphobia, lesbophobia, also I'M BAACK! Gay-But-Just-Barely-tpp: I just realized that the would-be-fandoms of both of our cursed domains would have gender-bend AUs. Straight!tpp would be more prevalent than gbjb-tpp, since over here Juno and Peter would be sapphic, which doesn't get as much attention in fandoms. (this is a 'tpp is its own gender bend au and I think that's very sexy of them' appreciation post as much as it is a prod at fandom culture)

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I can see a couple ways to vesbud being straight and they're both horrible.

scenario 1, vespa is "the man." has amorphous ~man pain~ about being an assassin who kills people (think: hawkeye in the last mcu movie) instead of legitimate psychological trauma that's explored sensitively. horrible at communication and angry all the time, but this isn't seen as a flaw to overcome/deal with, just a neutral trait. there's a weird undercurrent of toxic masculinity in the two's relationship, as if buddy having a leadership position on the crew is somehow "emasculating" to her male partner. also some weird low-key slutshaming with buddy and her using her charisma/flirtation during cons, implying that she shouldn't do it because it makes vespa uncomfortable (maybe also slightly implying that buddy is cheating/has cheated on vespa because any confident feminine woman MUST be sexually promiscuous, right?? /s)

scenario 2, buddy is "the man." vespa is now super feminine and quiet and has a more stoic type of angst, like, instead of being loud and angry she's sad and frail and needs to be comforted by a big strong man. buddy is your typical tough snarky leader. some unfortunate implications again with buddy's charisma/flamboyance ... maybe there are lowkey homophobic "jokes" abt him because if a man takes care of his appearance and leans *slightly* feminine in presentation he MUST be gay, right?? /s . also no way does straight guy!Buddy wear heels or a dress, it's like ..... kind of sweet smelling cologne, nicely done hair and a purple suit once and even THAT is grounds for those types of gross jokes

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(there are a few)

Buddy and Vespa's wedding isn't crashed by Sasha Wire, but by either Vespa realizing her love for Buddy was a result of her hallucinations or Buddy realizing that she's only marrying Vespa because she felt bad for her and leaves her at the altar. 

Vespa and Buddy aren't in love with each other but with Jet, and their fighting over him drives the entire family apart.

Juno cheats on Nureyev with Rita multiple times

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gay but just barely tpp: the series is put on a pedestal for the diversity in its two ensemble casts and people act as if you can't say anything bad about its representation or you're homophobic, there are barely any straight characters and a lot of trans characters at that, the creators pat themselves on the back for diversity, and then there's one token aroace per storyline who gets a one-off line about not being attracted to anyone, and no romantic subplot..... and it never gets brought up again and- oh wait......