Lets talk about trust in kink generally, and in hypnokink specifically. First, about Proximal Trust, then about Trusting me, and last about Accountability.
Something I want, I need people in the hypnokink space - and in general, really - to watch out for is Proximal Trust. This is when [Person A] gains a level of perceived trust or integrity in the eyes of other people, by being associated with (in proximity to) [Person B]. A concrete example: "I've seen HypnoDude being friendly with and sharing the content of SpiralChain for ages, and I trust SpiralChain, so HypnoDude has to be legit..."
Let me let Gen. Ackbar tell you what that is -
There are a lot of people I talk to in the hypnokink community, who exist in a space where... well... it's not that I think they're untrustworthy, but at the same time I cannot attest directly to whether they are trustworthy and respectful partners. That's not because I have doubts about them as people, but because I have never interacted with them in that specific way. They've never been sexually, kinkstually or whatever interested in me, nor I them, and that is a very different level of interaction to, "hey how's the weather? You like D&D 5E? Oh cool, so what's your favorite kind of induction?"
I cannot, and you should not, assume that just because someone is able to maintain a friendship with me without setting off alarm bells in my head, that they are a considerate, ethical, and compatible partner. It is just not a good or safe assumption to make. Yes, a lot of really skeevy people will squick me out and I will avoid them right off the jump... but a lot of others won't.
Cloaking one's predatory nature or broken stair-ness in order to get in the proximity of trusted folks is a great strategy to get access to a more steady stream of potential partners, and so it is one oft employed. And, it often works. I cannot possibly vouch for everyone I interact positively with, nor everyone who shares my content, nor everyone who upvotes or likes my ideas. I can only vouch for the small circle of people I've actually had intimate interactions with or whom I've directly seen interacting in that way for a long enough time to feel comfortable drawing conclusions from said observations. I wish predators and unethical actors and broken stairs came with badges, but sadly they do not.
If you have questions about individuals, ask me about them in DM. I will tell you what I know, and admit what I do not (which is often a lot). I will be as honest and forthright as possible, to give you the ability to make an honest risk assessment for yourself. I'm always here to help, too, should things should go awry, in whatever way you deem necessary. I limit the extent to which I publicly call people out to those people who have, in my eyes, repeatedly and unapologetically done things that cross serious ethical lines, and for whom there is sufficient and publicly-available evidence.
On a related note, everything I said above about other people applies to me, too. I know I make a lot of content on ethics and safety and consent and that might recommend to suspicion that I'm "automatically" a trustworthy person. I'ma let Gen. Ackbar take that one again -
Don't assume you can trust me. I really do appreciate that I've helped people, it means a ton to me. It matters. I am really, really, really super glad to have made the amount of difference - however big or small it is - that I have. I'm grateful for all of your support and accolades and all of that.
No amount of difference, no amount of kudos, no amount of good a person could do, ever, makes them automatically worthy of your trust. That goes double in an intimate, kink context. Always, always, always vett your potential intimate and kink partners as best you can. Just because someone has a bunch of good friends, that does not mean that can't then turn around and be a consent violating asshole in the proverbial (or literal) bedroom. Just because someone talks a good - or great - game, that doesn't mean that when push comes to shove they aren't sus as hell. Vett. Your. Partners. Please. Not doing so does not excuse unethical or injurious behavior on their part - that's their doing and their failing, not yours - but it will help greatly to keep you safe. In an ideal world it would not be required, but we don't live in that ideal world, and until we do we have to live in the one we do.
That brings us to Accountability. I've said a lot here about not trusting the wrong people, so I want to make something absolutely, crystal clear: if someone does something hurtful to you, that is THEIR fault, not yours. Where you put your trust and how you vett people does matter but it does not, in any way, to any extent, make the things that happen to you "your fault." Accountability for those hurtful, abusive actions is 100% on the shoulders of the people who do them. It will never be anywhere else. All of the above - vetting, proximal trust, etc - is said with a mind to practicality and self-protection, to keeping you safe in the future, and not with even a hint of suggestion of blame or responsibility for anything. I know that when you are in the grips of something like that it can be easy to get into a blame, shame or self-hate spiral, wondering how you could let something like that happen and... you didn't. Things like that don't passively occur, they are actively pursued, and done so in ways that specifically overcome or bypass or evade the protective mechanisms that we all use to keep that from being done to us. It's. Not. Your. Fault.
Is this in response to a specific situation? Yes. More than one, honestly. Am I going to spill the proverbial tea? If I was going to, I would have already. I value given promises of privacy and even implicit ones far more than the social currency of naming-and-shaming and "✨#drama✨". If the time comes for that, though, rest assured it will happen. In the mean time, I'll do what I can to see that people are safe, healthy, and steps are taken to prevent future harm, as appropriate. I care about this community and I want to do right by it, and by all of you, as best I can.
