read me like a book

Typical 19 yr old girl trying to figure everything out

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I'm just happy :)

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vacation

over the long weekend eric and i took a mini vacation to long beach. it was absolutely amazing and i wish i never had to leave. the vacation and the rest of this weekend i think just made us stronger as a couple and really solidified our love for each other.. cheesy huh? but in all seriousness, i knew i loved eric but after this weekend any doubts in my mind of whether going into this relationship was a good idea or not disappeared. i know im with the person im supposed to be and i know he loves me too..im just so incredibly happy with my life right now 

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same old shit

eric and i got into another fight about him smoking. i dont understand, am i being the one thats being unfair? he knows how much cigarettes upset me yet he still does it because he needs something to calm him down. and when i argue with him about it he argues that i drink even though he doesnt like it. I DRINK WHEN I GO OUT..I DONT TAKE SHOTS OF VODKA BECAUSE IM STRESSED OVER A TEST honestly i dont understand why he cant just recognize that he's at fault for upsetting me. and today when i mentioned that he just shut down and said that he was "done with the conversation" he always makes it seem that its my fault that we're arguing. whenever i upset him i stop whatever im doing and i try to make it up to him but whenever he upsets me he just yells trying to prove his point and when he has nothing left to say then he dismisses the entire conversation. i just dont know what to do anymore. 

is it really that much to ask him to quit smoking not only for me but also for him self? 

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curious about me? my relationship? or my life in general? just give me a question and il answer :)

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6 days <3

another count down hahaa but less than 6 days until my long beach trip with eric. i just need to get through a midterm and a chemistry quiz ah!

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1 month bet

eric made a bet with me thinking that i wouldnt be able to work out every day for a week (with one rest day per week) if i win this bet than i get to sleep in his bed for a week straight and if wins then i cant drink for the next two quarterlies. im super excited for this :) i actually have motivation to work out everyday now. i refuse to lose and let him have another thing to hold over my head hahaha 

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saturday

going to chinatown for lunch and then going to LACMA! yayy so excited :) 

1 week until long beach 

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anxiety attack

oh my goodness. having a panic attack thinking about eric going to a different summer session from me. if he doesnt go at all then he wont meet girls he could cheat on me with, if we went to the same one then we would be together and go home at the same time, but if we went to different ones than he could have the chance to cheat on me with someone else. i know the type of guy he is and there would be no chance that he would do this to me but WHAT IF he meets a girl and he falls for her and then breaks up with me and then i have to go to my summer session and be in the same city as him and have to deal with this break. Oh my god, i cant breath.

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1 month and 1 day :)

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long beach weekend trip

just booked a hotel room for long beach over president's day weekend! yayy so excited for this trip. its going to be our one month/ valentine's day celebration!

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caught

Eric promised that he would quit smoking and last night i caught him with a pack of cigarettes. i tried to act cool about it but i still confronted him and i ended up getting really upset and stupidly decided to drink away the problem. oh man was that a mistake.. i woke up with a huge hangover and eric wouldnt talk to me. i dont know why but no matter what im always the one that ends up apologizing, even though this time even my drunk self knew that i did nothing wrong. in the morning he texted me saying that he was wrong to even have a pack on him and how he didnt smoke last night because he knew he had made a promise. i dont know what i should do about this, he asked that i just let it ago and i did but i just cant get my mind off of this. what if he's keeping other secrets from me and is it really ok just to let this go? is this a fight worth fighting?

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i think he started smoking again

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unrelated

all of my posts so far has been about a boy but i need to get something off my chest

i have dealt with anorexia for a long time now. even though i eat everyday like a normal person in my mind i still have those anorexic thoughts. i look in the mirror and i see every flaw that can be fixed if only i stopped eating. but food is also my drug (dramatic i know) but when im upset or sad i just want to eat until i throw up so i guess in a way im bulimic too. the littlest things about my food will upset me. right now im eating a turkey sandwich thats supposed to have this really yummy cranberry sauce on it but it didnt come with it this time. im so agitated by this i just wanted to shove the entire sandwich down my throat. ugh why am i like this? 

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im going to jinx it

every time i say this something goes wrong but i just cant help it.. ive never been so happy and comfortable and safe with someone else. i truly think i am in love with eric

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i think im happy?

i dont really know whats going on in my head. i love eric i really do, but if he loved me enough shouldnt he be able to forgive my past mistakes and move on? i know its always forgive but never forget, but he will not let it go. how do i love a guy who cant love all of me?

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was this a mistake?

this weekend has made me completely reconsider my relationship and whether or not is was a good idea to let someone become so important to me. ive never let a guy get this close to me and now i cant help but wonder if i made the right decision. i have always been so scared of getting hurt and being disappointed again that i never took the risk of letting anyone get too close to my heart, and now that i have i dont know what i would do or how i would cope with my heart being broken again. I dont know if il be able to handle that pain and grief. I sound very dramatic but i am honestly so scared of experiencing that feeling again i dont know what i will do..hopefully all of this is just in my mind and im just scaring myself for no reason.

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today or tomorrow

eric comes back either late tonight or early tomorrow. either way i dont think im going to hear from him until tomorrow night. i just hope i do hear from him eventually and have him tell me that nothing has changed for him.