guilt and understanding in the past twenty four hours I’ve cried exactly five times, all for the same reason. on one hand I’m angry at myself for not being able to keep my head up and eyes fixed forward in light of recent events, but on the other, I realize that i have the right to mourn for a country that i love. i have the right to shed tears for the future and even for the present that has served only to awaken the ugly, slumbering feelings of internalized hatred and to reiterate the disgusting idea that I do no in fact belong here. I have a friend who voted for Donald Trump in this past election, we’re not necessarily close but we’re friendly enough for me to question the status of our currently relationship. obviously i didn’t hate him, until now all his political and social beliefs hadn’t proved to be an issue or even a relevant aspect of our friendship, but after last night, after tears shed by my family and i at the realization that despicable monster would be governing our nation, after having so heavily entertained the thought that maybe we didn’t belong here and that in fact we weren’t equal, I didn’t know where we stood. he texted me tonight and asked to talk and i said yes with some hesitance, feeling too weary to defend my beliefs and rights as even i was beginning to believe that i wasn’t worthy, and proceeded to call him from my shower hoping that if things went south i’d have an excuse to see my way out of the conversation. the conversation that ensued was not in anyway what i expected; he asked how i felt about the whole ordeal and i found myself spilling everything. I told him that i wasn’t angry, that what i felt was more along the lines of sadness and disappointment. I told him how i felt like i didn’t belong in the united states and how trumps success made me feel like a second class citizen. I told him that i felt hurt that so many people were willing to overlook sexism, racism, Islamophobia, and blatantly disrespect and hate all for the sake of upholding capitalistic ideals and monetary success. I told him that it hurt me that he was so willing to disregard the very real potential harm that would be brought upon millions of people. i told him that i couldn’t sympathize with him because though i knew that he may not necessarily share the same believes as trump, in voting for him, in exercising the most important right he has as an american citizen and supporting a man so full of hate, he was condoning his actions. at this point i was shaking, after spending the day surrounded by sympathizers, i felt extremely vulnerable sharing these feeling with someone who technically stood for everything i stood against. I pushed on, encouraged by his thoughtfulness and reassurance that my feelings were in fact valid because as pathetic as this may sound, it definitely feels good coming from someone who’s ideologies you’ve decided to fight against. he asked me what i was afraid of and i told him that i didn’t care much for political logistics, i cared more about the societal impact that this would have. I told him that i feared for all the minorities that already felt so small and unwanted and i felt for all the latinx, gay, and minorities that would face more blatant disrespect than they were already accustomed to and that having one of the most important, influential people in the world support the violation of my human rights would only deepen racial and societal divides I told him that i was sorry he made the decision he had and that i hope i’d given him some insight and a different perspective; i told him that i only wanted him to be more informed come the next election so he wouldn’t make the same mistakes. he apologized to me for overlooking my people, and countless other populations and for not giving us the importance we merited and for making a bad decision that would actually have negative repercussions. this being said i dont think we should praise one white man’s apology, i don’t think that i just fixed everything wrong with what happened or more importantly what is to come, but it was a bit comforting to know that we are being heard and not just by our own little liberal community but by others who at one point disregarded our beliefs as radical and crazed. we will persevere. we have worked for decades to establish our rights as equal beings and we must fight to not have them stripped from us. love will always win. as a latina, as a mexican american, as a member of the LGTBQA+ community, i will not waver and i hope none of you do.
