struggling screenagers

[🪷☘️🎐🎋] 4 teenagers using the internet to cope

[strugglingscreenagers]

introductions

[🪷]

📅🎂: sep 14

❤️🌳: autumn

❤️🕰️: sunset/night 

status: delulu over a boy who doesn’t deserve it. ➽───────────────❥

[☘️]

📅🎂: apr 12

❤️🌳: spring

❤️🕰️: 3 am

status: someone likes me and keeps confessing over text but we’ve known each other for years so i can’t completely cut ties (hint: i dont like them back) ➽───────────────❥

[🎐]

📅🎂: aug 4

❤️🌳: winter/autumn

❤️🕰️: sunrise

status: obsessed with fictional characters ➽───────────────❥

[🎋]

📅🎂: oct 15

❤️🌳: autumn

❤️🕰️: dawn/dusk

status: caught feelings for my best friend, who’s in a relationship with someone else

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

i am still trying to let you go. but then she posts on her story, you post on yours - it’s the only time i ever learn what you could possibly be doing right now, because you never fucking text. and you never fucking reply. are you communicating with her everyday? what the hell goes on in your brain?

i’ve made a new friend. he replies to me like how you used to when we were still young. he’s funny and witty and he reminds me of what we used to have, and it hurts that you’re gone.

i’m trying to forget about you, but then i see things that remind me that you and i are no longer the friends we used to be, and then i just wish for you to come back and for things to go back to how they used to be. maybe i never even liked you the way i thought i did. maybe i was just jealous that she was the one who took you away. not even from me - just away.

i miss us, i miss you. but now there’s someone else to fill the gap, and i don’t know what to do. he’s what you used to be. he could even become more than you. but i don’t want to lose you, either. i want to see you later and i still want you to greet me like you always do. i want to see you and i want our friendship to still be there, reliable like the sun sets and rises every day.

but there is still my new friend - let’s call him ⛱️ - and the way he has fit myself in my life is more than the amount you hold right now. i hope - do i, though? - that maybe - just maybe - he’ll be able to -

i cant say it. i dont want to replace you. i don’t want to fill the hole you left in me. i just miss you and what we had. but i think you’re happy now, and i’m just sad that i had no role in making that possible. i miss the way you used to text me. i miss us.

⛱️ makes me feel alive again, exhilarated. he’s going to become what you were supposed to be, and i’m scared. why couldn’t i have you in my texts again like you used to be, and have him as well? i miss you, but he makes me laugh and smile and you just don’t do that anymore because you’re gone.

what the hell do you want me to do now?

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

i am trying so hard to let you go. or: push myself away.

i saw her with you so much yesterday and today. it hurt. a dull ache, simmering in my chest. it doesn't burn anymore.

am i angry? no. upset? not really. but i feel like i have lost something that was never even there in the first place.

i just want you to look at me again like i'm special. because i was. i used to be special to you. i used to be the only one. and now there is someone else.

i miss you. i miss the way we talked and texted and laughed and played games and were us. five seconds in the hallway during the concert is not enough. it's never enough.

they sang 'what about us' today, and i kept thinking about you, and me, and the friendship we used to have.

i miss you.

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

today, i saw a boy that looks like you.

every time i see him, i think of you. you two are so similar. glasses. curly brown hair. oboe. rain jacket on top of hoodie. sweatpants. even your hands are similar. you two carry the same air, but yours is magnetising against my will and his is like a reminder of the past.

you're in a relationship, but he's not. he used to be, with another girl, who is in a relationship with someone else. do you think he's still pining over her? wouldn't it be nice if i had fallen for him instead?

sometimes i really, truly wonder what it would be like to be his friend. but then i think that's just because he reminds me of you. he's never been in any of my classes; the strongest impressions he's ever left on me were "new kid in middle school" and "dating the resident violin prodigy of our grade". we have so many mutual friends.

he's close, but he's not you.

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🪷]

I got let out of 7th hour early. I walked down the hallway we used to walk down together, only to find your slow ass walking too. Stubborn to change my fast pace, I walked till I was about 10 feet away from you. I was afraid that if I got too close, you’d notice and think I was a fucking creep. Then we got to the stairs. The goddamn staircase. For some reason you just had to take three seconds per step. At this point it was impossible for me to avoid you without completely stopping in my tracks. And one thing about me is that I’m never stopping for anyone. Not even your goofy ass. When we got to the exit, I was curious to see what you would do. But in my attempt to not make any sort of eye contact with you, I didn’t see whether or not you noticed me. Once we silently parted ways, I noticed that I was holding my breath that whole time and that my legs were going numb. I thought I got over you. So wtf does this mean💀

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

you were here before the bell rang this morning, because your brothers had to take an exam and so your parents brought you to school instead. this is much earlier than usual.

you were here, and i saw you walk to the band room, but i didn't follow, because i'm trying not to. i waited for my other friend, and you were still in the band room when we got there.

your girlfriend didn't know you were there until she turned around and saw you. why didn't you say hi to her? you were there for ages. you must've been lining up outside the school for ages. you left with her, and i stayed behind with our other friends, because again, i am trying not to follow.

and then we went to the staircase to the 2nd floor, the one in the corner that no one uses, and you were just standing there, waiting - for who? for all of us? for me? would you have not been there if i wasn't there? where was your girlfriend and why weren't you with her instead?

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

i checked her instagram today. she added you into her bio, with a little heart next to your name.

i checked your instagram. you added her in your bio, with a little heart next to her name.

you haven't walked with me after school in a week. i thought we'd established a thing. but your car was in the other parking lot, you had a lesson you needed to get to, you needed to talk to your teacher, and i walked to my car alone.

you weren't there after school, so i started walking away. but then you came, and you called my name, loud for everyone to hear, and i waited for you, and you walked with me for a bit, and then you left.

you stand close enough for our shoulders to brush.

you put your arm around her shoulders after your class together to say goodbye.

i see her every morning, because i'm a masochist like that. does she know who i am?

you've been listening to sad love songs lately. you never talk to me anymore.

am i doomed forever to watch you from afar and the girl you've fallen in love with (??? have you kissed her? have you told her you love her? have you told her that there isn't anyone else in the world for you, just her?)

what will you do when she graduates? will you keep a long distance relationship? will i simply watch forever? will i ever meet anyone new?

how do i stop these dreams?

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🪷]

I hate you. I hate that every time the snow falls I think about you. I hate that I can’t sit in the same room as you without having my eyes wander in your direction. I hate that I wonder what you’re talking about. Why you’re laughing. Why you look tired sometimes. I hate that deep down, I look forward to seeing you in the hallways. I hate that I intentionally change my route to see you. I hate it all.

[strugglingscreenagers]

[🎋]

she stands on your left side. i know because i watch when i see the two of you in the hallways.

she stands on your left side, and when i wanted to give you something, i had to reach over her head.

i saw you after school today, and you told me to stand on your right side.

why? i know your left side is not impeded, because she stands there. i've seen you hold hands, once (i think).

am i that different?

is your left side reserved for her? is your right side for everybody else?

or can i kid myself into thinking your right side is for me?