unconventional

DAHNIEL - Eternally sleepy nurse. Writes poetry in between. Sometimes a traveller, sometimes a homebody. 📍🇬🇧 based. Forward and on to the next! Instagram: daviddahniel

[stuckinthedreariness]

I honestly want to go back here and be active as much as I am in Instagram/Threads (though that’s just me scrolling now and then) - but it has been so long and not sure really where to start. In any case, how has every one been?

A lot has happened on my end. Still here in the UK - Almost 7 years now and has not been back home since. Still ‘Nursing’ albeit the stress that comes with it. Still reading - although I’d like to think I am now on my non-fiction era. And as much as I would rather close off the curtain and call it a day, traveling is now one of the few things I look forward to every year.

So here’s a small throwback from Tallinn in December 2024

‘Would love to revamp/reinvent this blog and would love to connect to mutuals old and new ones like. Cheers!

[stuckinthedreariness]

If we become separated from each other this evening try to remember the last time you saw me and go back and wait for me there. I promise I won’t be very long, though I am haunted by the feeling that I might keep missing you, with the noise of the city growing too loud and the day burning out so quickly. But let’s just say it’s as good a plan as any.

Just once let’s imagine a word for the memory that lives beyond the body, that circles and sets all things alight. For I have singled you out from the whole world, and I would - even as this darkness is falling, even when the night comes where there are no more words, and the day comes when there is no more light.

Note - Leanne O’Sullivan

[stuckinthedreariness]

#LOOKINGBACK Bad news often comes with no warning. Says a book I read years ago. Looking back, that night came without trepidation. It almost seemed like a normal day until things took a turn in the evening. I was half asleep then, but something seemed so off when you called me to check up on you. You said your head was aching. But it did not even take a minute until your body shut down. The way I would put it, you were like a robot then which battery needs recharging. But who did I kid? At the back of my mind, I knew it’s aneurysm. Shit! I muttered to myself. What should I do? Drive? I can’t. Call an ambulance? But it would take ages. Then the next moments felt like being in the hospital. Except you are not a stranger and there’s no emergency cart in sight.

Things went on a whirlwind. Trying to compose myself, trying to do my ABCs. Next thing I know, I was signing a consent for intubation. Is this really happening? It felt like being in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. But a pat on the head has awakened me at the idea that the show is fictional and this one is straight up real, happening in front of my eyes. Your pupils were pinpoint, you were restless, and you were trying to combat with us with all your might. Damn, this used to be just a normal day at work. But it didn’t take long until your level of consciousness has gone below the acceptable limits. I knew then you are reaching the end of the road. But medicine is finite. There are things that happens outside the realm of science! So we hoped!

The adrenaline has turned into agony, and the agony turned into bargaining. We have hoped for the best. We pleaded, knelt, and shed tears more than we could imagine; in exchange for just one more day. Your days in the ICU were the worst. You look like as if you’ve accepted defeat. But you are always more than that. Mom would rub your hands with hers, and you would move them. Indicating a response to a stimulus. But the bleeding ensues and they can only do so much. So I have decided it’s time to go to a government hospital. Because I know, the approach would be different and doctors would be aggressive if they see a hint of hope. The days in the ward (you’re supposed to be in the private room or even ICU, I know they had one job! But still fell short) as I would put it were the most peaceful since that night took place. I was your personal nurse then and my siblings would take turns on visiting you. Mom, on the other hand became this invincible who never slept since day one. That’s how much she valued your wedding vows. In sickness and in health indeed! But after almost a week, a final punctuation mark has been sealed and you have joined the creator in heaven.

There are so many things that happened after that. A solemn final day would have been great but my speech, which then told in simple glimpse the life you’ve lived, seemed to have dug holes in chests. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, only our conscience could tell. There are many versions in the story, but only one thing remains true: That such is familial love that binds us even in the great beyond.

One year ago today, that night happened. It still haunts me now and then. And there are days when I wonder how things would have been if you’ve woken up. But you know, I find peace in the idea that maybe everyone has a specific purpose and timeframe for existing. And that you served yours with us. As a husband and a father. They say death is hardest on the living. It is tough, to actually let go. But today, I wake up thinking there’s always an angel guiding me from above. And it is you. Just like the old days. Except you have a better view this time!

I miss our banters of opinion on social and political issues and how you would try to squeeze in some math questions!!

[stuckinthedreariness]

So it’s been over a week since I arrived in the UK and I must say, I am having a hard time to function as an adult. Kidding aside, it got me so confused how to do this and that because I am no longer within the confines of my mom’s care. Hehe. This is the first time I have been away from home and I have been used for the longest time I could imagine, to having someone who does all the house things for me. Yet nonetheless, it felt like I am able to adapt well. In a sense that, I make it sure I have a stock of ready to eat, microwaveable food (in case I get hungry of course, which I do a lot) Hehe. But some things take time, right?

What else. What else. The UK is exactly how I imagined it to be and I am impressed by how its train line works. I guess it’s safe to say that it’s easy to get a good grasp on regardless if you are a noob in commuting like me. Though, it makes me wonder why does it seem like everyone is in such a rush here? I used to think I walk fast already, but people here are just plain faster. Hehe. I have not gone exploring that much, but their iconic landmarks are just stunners. I can’t wait for when we get our first paycheck so I can check out the Harry Potter studio already. Haha

I can’t fully celebrate yet as I am doing a ten week study before I can take the final exam (yes, there’s still one left) but I put it all in HIS hands. The heaven has eventually redirected me here despite the bumps, and twists and turns, so with this last one I know he would still be right by my side. It’s a new day as one would often say and it embraces the idea that the wind can change its course. The start of the year has been a whirlwind of bad things. But I guess it’s now time to let myself loose, swing through the breeze, and embrace the wind changing its course. Forward and on to the next. Whatever that means!

[stuckinthedreariness]

When there's no clear path, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other. All we can do is the next right thing. And then the next. In the darkness, in the fog, all we can do is feel our way through and try to trust that somehow we will come out on the other side

Grey’s Anatomy S15E25

[stuckinthedreariness]

WHAT IT HOLDS, YET AGAIN

So a little over two weeks ago, I went to bed asking the heaven for a miracle when I wake up the next day then. True enough, they didn’t disappoint and I was greeted with my certificate of sponsorship and embassy letter from the UK already in my email. Then things went fast. I got my visa last week, got my medical clearance, then went through the pre-departure orientation seminar. And now I am only waiting for my agency to ask me to purchase a plane ticket for my flight to the UK next month. This all happened in a breeze as I feel like they’re supposed to. Otherwise, we would be getting glitches again and I would have to do some things all over again.

To be honest, it feels so surreal to see my passport with that visa stamp. A lot of things have happened since the start of the year that I lost track of this. Of this path I am ecstatic to chase when I bid 2018 goodbye. I have even gone to a point of taking a breather because my dad’s passing affected me in such a way that I lost every drive and motivation in me. I have even thought of just spending the rest of this year at my mom’s house in the province. You know, so I can get some peace, leave footprints in the sand while enjoying the calm waves of the sea. So much for a cliched idea, I know. But yeah, along all of this, with the glitches and whatnot, I met someone. Who is now I am romantically committed to. That was, I feel like, one of the many ways the world has done to help me get back on my feet. Whatever that means.

Now, we wait for next month. Things are no longer put on hold or I should not be expecting glitches anymore. Yet somehow, the anxiety is still there. You know, that something may come and I would be caught off guard. But I guess this is what the whole of 2019 is about. Not being able to anticipate the bad things and just being left powerless in the middle of all of it. But as they say in Grey’s Anatomy - There’s an end to a perfect storm. And it’s only then in those quiet moments after the storm do we see who are strong enough to survive it.

I got the offer to work as a nurse in the United Kingdom last December of 2017. It’s been almost two years since I signed the contract. And although I went through a lot, the exhaustion was worth it. I hope it is. We’ll find out next month. Whatever that means

[stuckinthedreariness]

And just like that,

It’s officially the month of June. Well, at least here in the Philippines. And it also means that we are only six months behind a new year. Can you imagine that? I thought having a full time job makes us not notice about the time passing by. But I have been unemployed since the first week of January and it didn’t occur to me that we’re already halfway the end of 2019. Though, we still have those remaining months to get through, I guess it’s safe for me to say I am done with this year. Well a lot has happened. Major ones. And I don’t want to go into it anymore.

Let’s see. My pending job application abroad starts to shed some light again. Though that is always an excuse I make because deep beneath the skins and bones in me, I sort of went through some I-am-tired-of-life phase. The former clinical psychology graduate student in me didn’t expect it was really that hard to pick yourself after getting caught up by such a huge tide. But I guess, you would nonetheless be able to pick yourself up when it’s time already. You know, it’s something you don’t force yourself to do. Like a process, after having been overwhelmed by such trials, you’d get to that part where the sun will rise again. Whatever that means. But seriously, the past few months of this year will always remind me how I have gotten to a point in my life where even getting up from my bed is such a drag. No dice.

However, what I learned though from all this deluge or whatever it is (I don’t think I could ever put a proper adjective to it) is that sometimes you have to take a break and simply embrace whatever comes your way. You know, there are many things we have no control over and it is more painful when likewise things don’t go our way. But as the saying always go “Trust the process” and then try to evaluate where you can go from there. I’m sorry if I am not making sense here, I just want to say that time went by so fast and it is the first, after such a long time, that I do not feel upset nor defeated for being still while the rest of the world moves. Again. Whatever that means

[stuckinthedreariness]

The last time I'll write about you

I remember the glimmer of your eyes and the first time they flashed across mine; like the moon that illuminates against the weary façade of the night time sky. I remember the sound of your voice in my ears; like a lullaby that gives me the peace from within. I remember the faint strands of your hair and the way that they dance on a morning breeze; like the waves of the sea at its most calm. These parts of you made a refuge that I used to get back to - from being woken up by the rays of the sun to shutting off for the day. However, as the deafening ticks of the clock continues to move, we both found ourselves reaching the end of the road. The thread that used to pull me back to you was no longer there. And no matter how much I have clung on to hope that we could bring back what we used to have, it's time to put that final punctuation mark.

Our moments together, no matter how fleeting, will always have a special place in my heart. You used to be the sunshine against my days of gloom. And you used to be the shadow that reminded me then, no matter how dark the road I'm trudging, someone will always be there. You made my heart beat again in lyrical beats and in essence warmed it with your hands. You used to be my refuge, the one thing I call home. But today you become a part of my memory. Something that I could look back to, dwell on, and nurture.

We have always been told that parting ways is such sweet sorrow and no amount of lines from the books of Murakami have prepared me for this. I have hoped for all of it to be just a bad dream or believe that it's all in my head. But I have been awaken and your hands are no longer clasped into mine. And slowly, as I relive our time together, you transform into poetry. This is one of those.

[stuckinthedreariness]

24 hours. 1,440 minutes. 86,400 seconds. That's all it takes for a patient to go from sick, to healthy. From hopeful, to dire. One day can bring you back from the brink. Change your entire life in one heartbeat. One single breath. It’s why doctors watch you like a hawk, hold you for observation. It’s why we behave as if your every move, every sound, every input, and output, is life or death. Because it is. 24 hours. 1,440 minutes. 86,400 seconds. That’s all it takes to save your life. To change your life. One single day can pull us from the depths of despair. And one single day can fill us with more possibilities than we could imagine

Grey’s Anatomy 14x17, One day like this

[stuckinthedreariness]

A little throwback from over a year ago. It is a bummer that I didn’t spend my birthday abroad this year. And though a little celebration didn’t hurt that much, it was the day that followed which made me feel upset and wished it would have been better if I were somewhere else, with someone else. Though the backstory to that deserves a different post. Anyway,

I am 24 years old now and would be on my mid-twenties next year. They used to say age is just a number (well at least I don’t look like my age and now and then I would still be given student fare tickets on my daily commute) but it matters when you look back on all the possibilities you have not achieved or are not achieving. I used to have these standards when it comes to my aspirations in life but things don’t always turn out the way you initially envisioned it to be, and you have no choice but to move on. Another thing I realized is that the material things don’t matter that much anymore as you grow older. Sure, it does give you a temporary bliss but give it a couple of days/weeks and the feeling starts to wear off. As you age, you start looking for different things: validation, meaningful relationships, and the one thing we all chase - happiness.

Today, as I have always been for the last couple of years, I still see myself meandering. I am not on my best self and that is something I wouldn’t deny anymore. I keep screwing over and over again and despite my effort to keep things okay, the bad things just keep on happening. And sometimes, I wonder, do I really don’t deserve any good in this world? 

I am not keen on celebrating birthdays but if there’s one thing I like about it is that it gives you an opportunity to better yourself. In a way, knowing you are not getting any younger makes you hear the deafening ticks of the clock. It haunts you and redirects you to the things that matters, to your future plans, to the path you’re supposed to chase. So here’s to getting back on your feet and making things right. Again? Hehe

[stuckinthedreariness]

So I’m turning twenty three tomorrow and the future of my career is haunting me. I am in Hong Kong right now and I shouldn’t be worrying about it. Yet here I am in our hotel room trying to make sense of it. Let us see. It has almost been two years since I started working and it became the only thing my life has circled on. In a way, the corners of the hospital served as my refuge no matter the demands and the exhaustion I may face now and then as a staff nurse. Things would have been easy if becoming one is something that I can embrace wholeheartedly, though. Yet I go back to my story on how by fate I have gotten through here and never managed to pursue my aspiration of becoming a writer. And I can’t help but reflect on this particular post from Humans of New York which I came across years back when I was still unemployed. I know the conventional advice is to follow your heart and go chase what you want but it is always easier said than done. Becoming a nurse is not something I have initially envisioned for myself yet along the way I got the hang of it. I know I am a damn good nurse and it is just hard to completely abandon it for reasons I still can’t come up with. In a way, I never got the strength to leave the bubble that is nursing because it became a huge part of me. It now defines me. And it is so confusing alongside as I feel like I needed to quit my job soon because I am no longer productive, let alone happy. I even stopped my graduate studies in clinical psychology last year because it can no longer keep up with the demands and the exhaustion I feel every working day. I am turning twenty three tomorrow and I do not which path to chase or road to cross but I am only certain of one thing: This misery and lack of motivation needs to stop. I can’t do this for the next years to come. Whatever that means.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

I feared being alone more than I feared anything else. And the reason I feared being alone was that I had never felt right with myself - didn’t like myself, appreciate myself, or even love myself enough to be comfortable with my own company.

Richard Wagamese (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[stuckinthedreariness]

Not having someone to come home to kind of gets to you after a while. It’s like a physical pain; only it resonates from the deepest crevices of your skin thinking you’d spend the rest of the hours till the next day with no one at all. You would long to have someone to vent to after a hard day’s work and you would long for the warmth of someone’s embrace as you lie in bed at night. But slowly, you would feel how all the non living things you’re surrounded with would magnify your lack of company or someone to be with for that matter. The weariness of your body will double up, your sore feet becoming worse, and it’s starting to be hard for you to breathe. “This doesn’t feel right” you would mutter to yourself.

The night gets long and the moon in the sky becomes the metaphor of your life - sad, lonely, yet wide awake in the dark. It makes you question your existence and at the same time makes you realize how this has been going for a while already. From something unfamiliar it turned into a routine, and from that routine it becomes your sense of being. Every night you would lie in your bed surrounded by your pillows recalling how today has been and the things you dealt with whether good or bad. And sometimes, you hope to talk it through with someone the way couples do. But that has always been the problem. You simply have no one. You are all alone in this. Your sad, lonely self, trying to make sense of it, trying to sleep it off.

You would wake up the next day with the same routine. You still have no one to come home to. And in those hours that will follow you would think to yourself how lonely you are in life. How exhausting it feels every damn evening to have no one to do things people do together. You have no one to share your stories from work with, no one to watch the TV with, and no one to eat in your bed with. You became the moon in the night surrounded by the stars minding their own lives, enjoying each other’s company. And then there’s you - left alone in a corner, embraced by the darkness that became your refuge.  This goes on with uncertainty and it just force you to be strong for yourself, no matter how tiring, one lonely night at a time. 

[stuckinthedreariness]

It’s funny how that one thing you used to hate becomes the world you live in. And all the other things you used to love and seek refuge on, slowly drifted apart. It’s such a sad irony thinking you never imagined any of these or have anticipated coming for that matter. It’s just after one decision to the next, this is how it has turned out. And the worst thing about it? You are doomed living it. It’s easy though if you can just channel the blame to anyone or anything, but it was your call. You made it on your own. And now, things are resurfacing, reminding you of how you’ve arrived at this spot. But the question is, how do you get up and live each day the way it is now? We’re all prone to errors. It’s that one thing we can never prepare for, no matter how much we try to put on our best selves. But we have to remember not to let it get on our way. I know at times the damage that has been done can no longer be repaired and the only alternative is to live through it. But living through it is the worst, isn’t it? It’s the hardest to do when you want to redo something all over again, or at least put a remedy, or try to bring back the pieces together. But you just can’t and you find it so hard to accept it. It’s like throwing in the towel except you actually have a new life to live after making that call, that decision, that error. To throw in the towel means to give up. But throwing one doesn’t always mean defeat. Sometimes, you just know better to accept and embrace the way things are now than to wallow in regret and your doubts. You think you made an error for having the life that you have now, but every moment and every decision that has lead into it, came from your heart and your mind. You have to own it. This is where you walked your feet. This is where you brought your life. This is what you fought for and you succeeded anyway. At times you may feel like this is wrong or this is not where you should be, but here’s where you are now. This is what’s meant to be. Own it.

On accepting the way things are

[stuckinthedreariness]

After running for over six years, Showtime’s Nurse Jackie aired its final episode. This is one of those TV series that I have come to love as it depicts a somewhat close nurses’ nature of work in the hospitals (it’s not like those other medical dramas which tried to bury even deeper the profession in the medical hierarchy) and tried to live up to it every season. Second, this dark witted comedy was an honest show. It’s a mirror through a drug addict’s life from one episode to the next. Jackie’s life has gone on a circle showing her trying to change, going to rehab, relapsing, and losing every single important thing in her life: her marriage, kids, friends, and the most important - work. And third, Zoey Barkow, my anti-depressant form. She did her role very remarkably and I don’t think anyone can measure up to what she pulled off in those seven seasons.

It’s been such a great ride considering the show has gone for more than half a decade. And it holds a special place in my heart as sometimes I see myself in their characters. You know, those nursing stuff and moments in the hospital, attending from one patient to the next, and trying to separate it from your personal life. I mean, the hospital environment and the things you deal with there on a daily basis is something you can’t compare to corporate, office desk job kind of life. Crazy would even be an understatement. With the ending, I think the writers pulled it off well. The metaphor to it was so symbolic and I don’t think I could wish for a better ending than what they gave us. Till then All Saints Hospital! Here’s the best quote Jackie has ever said in the series:

“This job is wading through a shitstorm of people who come into this place on the very worst day of their lives. Just so you know, doctors are here to diagnose. Not heal. We heal”

[kateoplis]

[stuckinthedreariness]

Sometimes, you wake up thinking what your life has turned into. Slowly, you look back on the things that transpired after making that call, or that step you took that brought you to where you are right now. And the funny thing about it is that it doesn’t feel right. There’s that ache in your chest that resonates from the confusion of it all. “is this really where it’s supposed to lead into?” you ask yourself every damn morning while trying to get on and face the day ahead. But doesn’t this make you weary, even more confused, or worse, afraid that you’ve taken off the wrong path and the road leading back to the start of it all is simply nowhere to be found?

The thing about life is that we’re entirely in control of it. We make the call, we walk our feet to where we think we’re supposed to go, and we try on our best to get there. But sometimes, our decisions can disappoint, and our expectations can fall short especially when upon arriving to where we’ve worked our hardest to get to, didn’t seem to be much of what we hoped for all along. So once we’re there, right exactly on that spot; our feet rested on that very ground, we feel defeated, as if our exhaustion didn’t pay off as much as we think we do. And the only question is, where do we go from there?

It’s horrifying to think you’ve trudged a long and winding road, only to find out you’ve arrived at the wrong spot. All those bumps, and twists and turns you fought on your way has made you take a wrong turn in the end. And the really bad thing about it is that there’s simply no way back. Suddenly, you start to hear a voice in your head that says “this is your life now, embrace it”. So you do, on your most exhausted, beaten up self. You wake up every damn morning with that tiny hint of hope left, no matter how upset you are, no matter how hopeless starting anew would be for you. You wake up with that thought to get by through the day and the many that will follow “This is my life now, I should embrace it”