Dear _________, @styloplume - Tumblr Blog

Dear Grief,

Just when I was finally working through you, it happened again. You took away someone I never thought I would have to live without. At least not this soon.

You decided you weren't through with me or my family. You decided one heartbreak wasn't enough. How dare you. How could you.

It's been a week since you took her away, and I still can't believe it happened. I would have given anything for more time. Anything. She was the heart of the home, the core of our family here.

Why couldn't you wait? Why did you leave me with heartbreak that I might never recover from? With despair so deep that I am constantly drowning. You've unleashed relentless waves of anger and tears that I have no strength left to fight against.

And I don't know how to muster up any want for the strength to do so.

Grief, what do I do with you this time around? You've blindsided me with a hurt that may never fade. With a sadness so deep that I never knew existed or that I was capable of this depth.

You've reminded me of the finite time that is totally out of anyone's control. And I hate you for it. I hate everything that you've brought on to me and my family.

I hate how lost I feel. I hate that I'll never hear her voice again. I hate all the things I'll never get to do with her.

I wish you hadn't come back so soon. I don't know what to do this time.

Sincerely,

#personal #grief

Dear Pops,

It's been almost two months since you've passed. I didn't speak at your funeral, I felt like I couldn't. So in a little corner of the internet, I wanted to say all the things I couldn't.

You are Papa to me and you always will be. Even when introducing you to new people in my life it was always papa, never uncle. You never let me feel like I was an "other" I was just as much a part of the family as your own. For that I will forever be grateful. So grateful that words would never really fill the cup to really explain it.

You were more of a father that my own, in so many ways. You taught me how to changes my tires, oil, brake pads and air filters in my first car. You taught me how to file taxes. You showed me what it was like to be loved and cared for unconditionally.

It will always stick with me that you were so proud of the choices you made in your life. You would always tell me that because you met Mama Sue, Gwen, Bean and I exist. It was because you chose to take a leap of faith and travel half way around the world, we exist.

You lead your life the way you wanted. You always cared for family unconditionally and always welcomed everyone home with open arms.

You are a big part of who I am today.

I've been struggling a lot with my grief. Every time I go home and visit Mama Sue all the sadness comes knocking at my door. Your spaces are still yours. The life and the love that built that home are still there. I can still feel all the thoughtful care you put into the home for Mama Sue.

I'm trying to live my life the way you would've wanted me to. Unapologetically, with no regrets. Except I have so many.

And most of all I miss you. I talk about you all the time with Kneil and with my therapist.

You were the best father figure I could have ever asked for. I'm sorry I never told you.

I hope you and Grandma Dot and Grandpa Tom are having a hoot up there. I'll see you, when I see you.

Love always,

#personal #grief #dealing with grief #father

Dear Resentment,

You didn't need to come in right as Grief was going through its motions. It would have been better for you to wait your turn. I don't even know which door you came through.

Was is the same one that Grief used? Or was it a different door that I just forgot to lock. You caught me off guard, and I'm running out of energy to deal with you.

I don't have the capacity to deal with you and Grief at the same time. I know, I know, it feels like it's everyone else you and that's okay. Though there's no button for me to press pause for my Grief, I will try my best to make sure you find your resolve. Somehow.

I definitely can't let you go unchecked or unsupervised. So let's hash it out now.

You are valid and I understand where you are coming from. Maybe you did come through the same door as Grief, a part of it is a part of you. Though you might have always been there, just quietly existing in the back.

Either way, I get it. Your anger and guilt are both something that will come and go with time.

Surely you will find some sort of outlet, or maybe you'll find some relief in a therapy session. Therapy would be good actually, should probably schedule that soon.

I'll check in on you again later.

Sincerely,

Me.

#personal #resentment #dealing with grief #grief #mental health #anger

Dear Grief,

I wish you were more graceful, or at least offered me a grace period before throwing me in to the pit of you. In the eye of your storm the silence if deafening. The sleepless nights are the new normal. The anger is relentless.

If I said I believed in God, would you be kinder? Or would you tell me that I feel all this because God only gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

I'm not strong though.

I am overwhelmed and drowning, barely able to keep myself up sort air and brief relief. I am full of regrets. Full of all the should haves and could haves.

I would give up anything to go a few more years without you.

I try to bargain with you, in hopes that somewhere in you is a sense of fairness. Of course, all my pleas go unheard and unanswered. What else could I expect when unleashing all my words into a void.

You are here. You are a trial that I am not sure I will make it through. I am afraid that it will just swallow me whole.

What will I become once you are through with me?

Regards,

Me.

#grief #dealing with grief #personal #grieving #letters

Dear Tumblr,

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on and a lot has happened. The person I used to post about isn’t in my life anymore, Which is great, I’ve started a whole new chapter in my life. It’s filled with growth, new people, new job, new space. It’s a little overwhelming. I keep trying to do more and keep up with everyone around me. Trying to keep the balance going.

I still feel that same dark place creep back in from time to time. Since the pandemic and quarantine have hit my area it has been creeping back more often than I would like to admit.

In all honesty, a part of me misses the dark place. The all consuming sadness and the long nights of just all the thoughts flying back and forth in my mind. There’s some night where I just want to wallow in it and let it stay. I feel like it was the one thing that I really understood.

All these years I had been saying that all I want is something normal and consistent. I have that. A normal job, a normal relationship, a normal social life. Everything is normal. I have no reason to miss any of the drama or the trauma that came out of the couple years before all this normal stuff came along.

Trauma.Trauma that I am still working through. Trauma that I will always be working through. Trauma that no one in my life will ever completely understand. Trauma that I know doesn’t define me, but is a huge part of me. Trauma that brings the dark place back from time to time. Trauma that I just let sit there idly in a corner and trying to ignore it to focus on being normal along with the rest of my life at this time.

It’s tiring. I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling with trying to pick and choose parts of me. I just want to let the dark place run it’s course like it used to. I need it to run its course, so I can appreciate the good things around me. I want to feel like things are real and not just some facade because everyone is stuck where they are at and trying to make the best. I want to feel good about everything.

I can’t blame trauma for this or anything else. I don’t feel good about anything. I feel like I’ve ignored all the things that made me feel like me. I stay away from art. Which I’ve always loved and always wanted to do. It hit me how far I had walked away from art when one of the closest people to me told me that they didn’t see me doing anything related to art. I neglected that part of me. I neglected a lot of me.

Anyways, this is a shitty update.

I wanted a place to just let out everything on my mind.

To whomever is reading this, thank you for your time.

Until next time,

Me.

#lettertome #coming back #update

minuty

No matter how honestly you open up to someone, there are still things you cannot reveal.

Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage (via v1011)

styloplume

to the part of me i left with you

Take very good care of it. I won’t forgive you otherwise.

styloplume

I posted this years ago, and it's still very accurate.

rosyting

hospital--for--soul

lovequotesrus

Everything you love is here

jessxeleanorx14

Love Her

May 6, 2016 7:28 P.M

To the one who loves her next:

Ask her to sing. She might refuse at first; she’s very shy when it comes to that. But if you can annoy her enough, she just might do it. And when she does, you’ll understand.

Let her tell her stories. She has tons of them, and most of them are very pointless, but let her. You’ll see the way her face lights up as she talks about all of her favorite memories.

Take pictures of her. Of her off guard, of her posing, of her eyes, of her hands, just take pictures of her; as many as you can, and save every last one.

Go to church with her when you can. Even if you aren’t religious, go with her. She loves her faith, and you’ll want to see the joy on her face when she listens about it.

Tell her what you love about her. Randomly; not just on special occasions and holidays. Tell her everyday. Don’t tell her how pretty she is. She knows she’s pretty. Instead, tell her why you love the way her laugh bounces off the walls. Tell her what you love about her mind, and the way she speaks.

Never cook her fish. And if you eat fish, always brush your teeth after, or she will not kiss you.

Ask her questions. It doesn’t matter what they’re about. Just ask her questions, and listen to her answers.

If you’re outside in the dark, hold her hand. If you’re inside, put on a small, dim light (don’t call it a nightlight, or she might punch you), and hold her. She hates the dark.

If you know it’s storming, even just raining, call her and make sure she’s okay. She hates storms. If there’s thunder and lightning, stay on the phone with her or try to get to her house. She’ll tell you she’s okay, but she’ll probably be shaking.

Look at her as much as you can. Take in her smile, her dark brown eyes, her hand gestures, the way she throws her head back as she laughs. Take it all in, and then put it somewhere safe in your mind.

Watch movies with her, she loves movies. But don’t ever expect to know what’s going on in the movie. All she’ll do is talk through the entire thing.

If you’re ever anywhere with a playable piano, ask her to play it. You’ll see why.

You’ll want to protect her, because she’s barely 5'2 and you just won’t want anyone or anything to hurt her. You’ll want to protect her, but she won’t let you. She can handle herself though, don’t worry. She’s a lot tougher than you’d think.

Love her. Love her through all her emotional breakdowns, mood swings, and pointless arguments. Love her, and let her know. Embrace it, let the waves wash over you. Because once the sea is calm again, and she is gone, you’ll be left with a cold, dark, nothingness.

ethiopienne

it's not you it's my anxiety

a-laa-mode

You will find your person. They will bring a calm to your heart unlike anything you’ve ever known. They will care for you endlessly, even when you deserve it the least, and, if you’re lucky enough, they will stay by your side forever. But remember that your person may not be the love of your life or your soulmate or any kind of romantic partner at all. Sometimes your person- the best kind of person- is the sweet soul you stumble upon accidentally, the one you would’ve never imagined to mean as much to you as they do. You will find your person, baby girl. And when you find them, make sure you never let them go.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #108 // for my person (via a-laa-mode)