It’s been a long time since I’ve been on and a lot has happened. The person I used to post about isn’t in my life anymore, Which is great, I’ve started a whole new chapter in my life. It’s filled with growth, new people, new job, new space. It’s a little overwhelming. I keep trying to do more and keep up with everyone around me. Trying to keep the balance going.
I still feel that same dark place creep back in from time to time. Since the pandemic and quarantine have hit my area it has been creeping back more often than I would like to admit.
In all honesty, a part of me misses the dark place. The all consuming sadness and the long nights of just all the thoughts flying back and forth in my mind. There’s some night where I just want to wallow in it and let it stay. I feel like it was the one thing that I really understood.
All these years I had been saying that all I want is something normal and consistent. I have that. A normal job, a normal relationship, a normal social life. Everything is normal. I have no reason to miss any of the drama or the trauma that came out of the couple years before all this normal stuff came along.
Trauma.Trauma that I am still working through. Trauma that I will always be working through. Trauma that no one in my life will ever completely understand. Trauma that I know doesn’t define me, but is a huge part of me. Trauma that brings the dark place back from time to time. Trauma that I just let sit there idly in a corner and trying to ignore it to focus on being normal along with the rest of my life at this time.
It’s tiring. I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling with trying to pick and choose parts of me. I just want to let the dark place run it’s course like it used to. I need it to run its course, so I can appreciate the good things around me. I want to feel like things are real and not just some facade because everyone is stuck where they are at and trying to make the best. I want to feel good about everything.
I can’t blame trauma for this or anything else. I don’t feel good about anything. I feel like I’ve ignored all the things that made me feel like me. I stay away from art. Which I’ve always loved and always wanted to do. It hit me how far I had walked away from art when one of the closest people to me told me that they didn’t see me doing anything related to art. I neglected that part of me. I neglected a lot of me.
Anyways, this is a shitty update.
I wanted a place to just let out everything on my mind.
To whomever is reading this, thank you for your time.
