ghostyona

professional non-native English speaker•29•mostly Ghost related

[styona]

And one more thing about my therapy sessions is I'm so profoundly done with them for now, every time my therapist goes what emotion is this or where do you feel it in your body I'm like babe I have no fucking clue, okay, can you just stop pressuring me into trying to decipher my bouts of crying cuz I'm really not in the mood right now. And honestly I wonder why it's not clear to her cuz I would imagine a person with some kinda credentials can tell if their client pulls stuff outta their ass to answer their questions. I mean if you insist on me opening up I gotta say something which is exactly what I do, but I'm rapidly running outta options cuz I'm tired. I don't wanna analyze shit anymore, leave me alone.

I guess we all need money, but could you please find it in yourself not to earn it at my mental expense ffs, I'm so fucking tired of these therapy gurus who are so blatant about not giving a single fuck. Not that you have to or anything (that's evidently not why you got the job, not that it's a requirement in that field of course, cuz if you wanna help people just to rip them off the people are to blame, obviously), but just play the damn part at least, that's exactly WHY I pay you🤦‍♀🤦‍♀🤦‍♀

[styona]

So once upon a time I was getting a job at that kinda private language school (?), private as opposed to a municipal one, I obviously wasn't teaching at Harvard (that's not a school but you get what I mean) or anything (especially considering I'm way too dumb to get the name right as you can clearly see). Anyway, my boss said it was more important to entertain adult students than the kids attending the school (cuz it wasn't strictly for kids) so they could be more invested in learning the language. At the time I was like... Dude, are you insane? That's such an asinine statement to make.

But now I kinda changed my mind and it doesn't sound as dumb to me (still debatable nonetheless, I will say that, cuz I believe that adults should be capable of digesting information without a teacher jumping through hoops for them to get it, you're a fucking adult for a reason) cuz the chapters kinda look like a side quest to make the audience attracted to the music so essentially it's the same thing, adults need to be entertained too apparently. Well maybe not everyone, as an adult I can only speak for myself and I wonder if Tobias knows this lil trick too. I still believe that adults should be able to be interested in the content without clownery (affectionate), but I agree that a little distraction won't hurt either.

I suppose there should also be made a distinction between entertaining adults and keeping them engaged cuz there is a difference, especially when you talk about entertainment industry where pretty much everything is not new. But still, I don't think an artist should go outta their way to keep their audience engaged, adults should not be babied, once again they're adults for a reason, they should be able to use their brain/imagination/whatever. Not saying Ghost go outta their way, I actually think they keep it reasonable for the most part, that's more of a general observation.

[styona]

I wonder if this whole chapters thing was even supposed to get that far, what if they got rid of Frater cuz they just simply don't know what else to release (not that they should in the first place). I mean 20+ is a big ass number for something that is not supposed to make any sense in any capacity (and it doesn't cuz most of the time it's not coherent cuz 80% of it are announcements/hints at something happening, there's quite literally no point for it all to even be coherent) and only be viewed as a side thing if even that. That would be so in character tbh.

[styona]

Therapist: so there was a misunderstanding and the session was cancelled, I know it can make you feel uncomfortable, let's discuss it.

Girlie I don't give a flying fuck, I've managed to save the money to comfortably pay my rent and not be stressed about having a little more which is a win win in the current economy, trust me I'm unfazed. You can also keep that rehearsed client pleasing speech to yourself, I don't need that lame pampering

[styona]

I admit I can actually see why people might think I'm fucked in the head cuz when I come to work I'm like right, first things first lemme ridicule the absolute shit outta the dumb fuckwits I have to share the air with aka my coworkers (cuz they're dumb and they're fuckwits, these are facts) and fuck right off when I have nothing else left to do. Luckily I actually have someone to share this joyous experience with and this badass lady (who is not a fuckwit obviously) is my role model honestly cuz if I'm not her carbon copy attitude wise in my 70s I'm not dying till I'm becoming exactly that idc. Love my job, in all honesty what's not to love. Am I an asshole? By all means. Is it justified? By all means multiplied by infinity so nope I'm not sorry, nor am I embarrassed in any capacity, so if I do appear to be fucked in the head then so be it

[styona]

I'm just wondering if it doesn't ever occur to my therapist that crying my eyes out can sometimes be humiliating and tiring. I mean yeah no shit it's a part of the therapy but like... And it's not like it's particularly hard for me to cry, but I'm a human being who can get sick of it and feel exposed a little too much? I've always thought it's a given especially to a fucking therapist who's hopefully not a psychopath? I know you want my money but you should also be aware it's me who decides if I even want to pay you cuz it's my fucking money you're not exactly entitled to cuz it's solely my choice to give it to you or not? Your end of the deal is fulfilled now it's my turn and I'm intending to do whatever I please, thank you very much. Takes two to tango babes and you're gonna have to accept it

[styona]

So I'm reducing the number of my therapy sessions and my therapist is like well that basically means you're on your own from now on and I'm like... I mean that's always been the whole point? From before the sessions even started?

I've analyzed and overanalyzed every single aspect of my life so many times I got sick of it, I understand perfectly fine what my problem is, no therapist is gonna solve it for me so like... Should it really come as a surprise or? If yes then to who?

"Therapy might not be that effective anymore". Are you saying I'm still incapable of pulling myself outta the shit I started after 10 fucking years? Well jokes on you babes. If I've been talking to myself for the entirety of the last 2 years while also paying you for that trust me imma figure this one out no problem. And I don't mean to accuse you of anything cuz it was you who helped me empty my skull enough for it to become actually functional again, but doubting me like that is a bit offensive and honestly unwarranted.

[styona]

I think I finally learnt and actually realised people are multidimensional when this badass therapist prescribed to me the kinda pills I quite literally owe being alive and in the very same breath was banging on about some esoteric shit I don't really believe in like karmic relationships and stuff (heck I don't even believe in regular ones how could I possibly relate to karmic ones, but I digress). Normally I would dismiss her no questions asked cuz at the very beginning of my therapy I genuinely was like what kinda therapist is even that, are you kidding me rn, I came to you cuz you're literally my last resort, my options are either you or non-existence, woman, but then when that very person actually nursed me back to health I was like if that karmic relationships apologist can hold that kinda power over me and actually help me I don't care if I disagree with her views, this person knows her shit and that's all that matters. I'll forever be grateful for choosing to book that appointment 2 years ago.

[styona]

I'm actually genuinely grateful Ghost allows me to have stuff without the need to fulfill any kinda expectations cuz there's quite literally no point in even having them to begin with cuz there's nothing coherent about the lore and whatnot except for the albums which is to be expected cuz it's a music band so the music is the focal point. That's just so pleasantly grounding. I'm still yet to live a single day of my life without needing to meet expectations of all the possible sorts I can and can't think of. I can catch a break at least in some capacity and it's the only type of capacity that helps me not to completely spiral when I realise there's no point in doing something cuz never once in my entire life have I been able to come to that very realisation and not go nuts. Ghost creates a space where I'm fine with not being in control of something I cannot predict and it feels uncharacteristically serene.

[styona]

I wonder if we'll get anything else in addition to this teaser thing cuz it's not even summer yet, there's helluva lot of time still. I mean we most likely won't but who knows

[styona]

Oh man I wish I knew what it feels like to matter to somebody so much they're actually willing to give a fuck about my feelings and thoughts unprompted and for free. What it feels like to share whatever I've got going on inside of my head and not get ignored to hell and all the way back. What it feels like to be vulnerable and not be shamed for being a human being who just wants to talk like every-fucking-one in this world. Shame I won't ever know cuz I'm evidently unworthy. Wonder what I need to do to be treated as just a little bit more than a jester who can't possibly be sad/mad/disappointed/scared/disenchanted. How much deeper do I need to ditch my dignity to earn a crumb of sympathy. What hoops do I need to jump through to be heard. Not even listened to. I'm not even allowed to be upset about it because it automatically makes me a whiny petulant child who still doesn't know how to adult, otherwise people don't feel like paying attention cuz moody assholes don't deserve to be helped, much less payed any mind to.

[styona]

If Jimmy boy doesn't additionally (for some reason, it's still 2 months till August) announce Movie No. 2 I'm not watching it (I don't really know who I'm trying to fool cuz I'm not watching it either way cuz I genuinely couldn't give less of a fuck, imma be brutally honest, but I had to mention my precious movie announcer)

[styona]

So I'm assuming it's only fair for Movie No. 2 to be about Perpetua. I mean if they did get rid of Frater who tf else it could possibly be about. Besides Frater is not in charge of shows any longer so like... What even is the point otherwise. There's also Perpetua's mask in the teaser/trailer whatever tf that was, but it could mean nothing at all so that part is unreliable. Soooooooo it could be about Frater's vacay.

[styona]

I'm not sure if it's just me but Ghost's lyrics always reminded me of P!ATD's of AFYCSO era, difference is they're put together a bit more eloquently and snugly (?) cuz Tob's writing feels a bit more natural whereas it seems like Ryan was desperate (for whatever reason) to cram all the big words he knew in a single line whenever it was possible (on AFYCSO specifically I mean) and put all these loaded lines together so they eventually turned into super loaded songs and form a loaded album. (But to his credit eventually Ryan was able to sort this kinda issue (which is not even really an issue) out)

[styona]

I truly wish Ghost started exploring the recent film making inclinations just a liiiiiiiiitle bit sooner so we could see Terzo's ghost (cuz judging from the way the plot of the first movie went now we can actually see some characters a coupla times more in a different realm of existence and not just have them fucked off into eternity forever) cuz I'd be ecstatic to actually witness him doing stuff anywhere else in his afterlife. That would be fun. But there's a reason Terzo can kiiiiiiiiiinda be considered a middle child so fuck him anyway, right? But that still would be fun. It's unfortunate it's impossible.

I'm not in a particularly bitchy mode, but I feel defensive for some reason so I still will mention that I do understand that most likely the band and all the people that could've been hypothetically responsible for making this happen simply didn't have the resources to actually do that or it was never really thought about in the first place or *insert literally any other reason under the sun*.

[styona]

so I decided to stop my therapy (and hopefully never start it ever again until I'm 100% sure no "pro" can manipulate me in any way, shape or form) and when I was thinking about it a lil while ago I was feeling funny as in kinda guilty imma leave this girly and take my money with me, but now I'm like why the fuck should I feel guilty for leaving a "pro" who doesn't deserve my money? If I learnt something up until this point it's being able to recover from guilttripping myself into believing I'm the one in the wrong when all I am in is the very fucking right

[styona]

But if Perpetua finally opens that damn door in the 🍿...