shake's abyss

shake / marx | he/it/ae+ | personal vent/traumacore account. kind of shblr. | master shake irl??? lmao.

[subordinateshake]

A body made of crushed stars.

All our potential bleeds away.

[subordinateshake]

my mom giving my chud ass a half of a nerve pill in the middle of me having flashbacks about my uncle

[subordinateshake]

trying /

lying /

defying /

denying /

crying /

dying /

[milkytvn]

I made a google doc on dealing with sh. Contains info on identifying wounds, anatomy, risks, etc. Link: dealing with self harm (covers much more than images in this post!) All diagrams, no graphic content.

Wound identification:

Applying steristrips:

Healing stages:

What scars can look like:

Always open for suggestions on what to add. My background is two decades of experience, of which 5 years with escalating severity and being in the wider sh community.

[subordinateshake]

feel weird for throwing roblox drama on a vent account but (this is about the Grace developer)

I did NOT get groomed in an evangelical private school to see these poor 13yo’s getting their hearts shattered when the guy who made a game that made them “feel better about their religious trauma by getting them more comfortable with Christian doctrine” turned out to be gladly protecting a racist. I feel bad for these people, so don’t call me insensitive, but it honestly was so fucking obvious something like this would happen once it was explained in full to me.

never trust a motherfucker who thinks that they can just pray away their own prejudice and not own up to real fucking people. never let hyperreligious freaks use your trauma to try to get closer to you (and probably exploit you! had these mfs at my old school basically make these children—including myself—cry just to comfort them and pump hateful ideology into their heads!). it’s normal for you to be wary of what reminds you of those that hurt you.

everyone deserves love without the fear of being shamed by wolves parading around gods. peace.

[subordinateshake]

”I’m genuinely pissed off and I need someone to help me so I don’t blow up” and then getting switched to one of the most emotionally reactive fuckers in the system. anyways there goes our 17 days!

[subordinateshake]

if you want to know how my/our mental space is right now our new alter cut the shit out of itself after fully splitting #systemgoals

[subordinateshake]

my mom watching as I relapse instead of “getting angry and toughening up” like she wants me to do when she screams at me

[subordinateshake]

my fucking school is trying to put me on academic probation for being out for less than a week. they KNOW I’m struggling. they see that. they also see that even when I’m absent I get schoolwork done. I’m not just missing school for the fuck of it. they don’t care. no one cares. and here my mom is telling me that I’m overreacting for rightfully being upset.

[subordinateshake]

just had one of the worst experiences with a therapist in my life. anyone who thinks that it’s a good idea to do that “let’s press deep into your soul” shit when I’m clearly uncomfortable doesn’t really give a shit about people with complex trauma.

I talk about how I practically broke my mother’s legs for the crime of being conceived. the fact that she even got in that car crash and could barely move on her own for her whole pregnancy was a sign that I was already someone vile. how she had to move back in with the same uncle who would abuse the both of us… and then my therapist thinks her mom having to leave work for two months because she was born without one of her kidneys or whatever has anywhere of the same weight.

and then I kept mentioning about how I was scared of leaving and being a functioning fucking adult because I already have so much responsibility on my back. she wants me to talk about why I hate myself. More. while also telling me to not say negative things about myself. I try to calm myself by thinking about good things. vacations. good times in the future. that’s what she wanted, right? to make me feel good about my future? no. not now. that isn’t helpful to her to make me feel happy. she says it to my face. she needs to know more about me. not like that.

[subordinateshake]

I need someone to get this over with and put a bullet through my skull.

[subordinateshake]

iamsober motherfuckers will comfort someone over not wanting to cook or some shit and then completely ignore me when I’m looking for support because have to take care of my grandfather while my mom falls asleep in a fucking hotel so she doesn’t have to see my face all christmas. honestly, not even my therapist really wants to comfort me because she knows I will not change myself.

maybe cutting is the only good option to keep myself from fucking crying my eyes out at this point.

[subordinateshake]

alright I officially hate all of you.

[subordinateshake]

I need to cry so fucking bad but my body is somehow so tired that I can just. feel the tears coming on. no actual tears though????

[subordinateshake]

three weeks clean,,, I’m honestly surprised. feels more like the emotions have gotten beaten out of me than I am genuinely happy.

[only-knives]

watch out for therapists with a savior complex. you might think everything they do is for your own good, and any issues are just your fault. but in reality, your therapist is centering themselves - their thoughts & emotions - over you.

they may still care about you, but as far as the actual therapy goes, their ego ends up overriding your actual needs. you deserve support that's tailored to you, not for someone to decide what you need for you. especially if their decisions end up causing you harm.

more often than not, people hurt others by doing what they believe is "the right thing," instead of doing what the actual right thing for that person is. you aren't a project to be fixed. you're a person who needs support, and you're the only person who can decide what makes you feel supported.

[subordinateshake]

MY UNCLE DID NOT JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THE ONE ART KIT WITH A BLADE IN IT?

[tommyisbleeding]

i dont “struggle” with self harm im actually pretty good at it