slow motion's still a motion

⭐ star ✨ 24 ⭐ PF-DID, AuDHD, CTD, POTS ✨ quadriparesis ⭐ ME/CFS + MCA maybe? 🤷

[only-knives]

my babies. flynnie is the tabby and momo is the black kitty.

-

my goals for 2026

[only-knives]

hey i saw your comment about not being able to stop Effexor and while i’m not on it myself, i’ve seen people around online (mostly tiktok and reddit i think?) who have communities dedicated to weaning off of it. the first girl i saw went viral on tiktok because she kept trying to wean off of it but every dose change was too big and triggered withdrawals, so with the approval of her psych, she started cutting her capsules open and taking one less granule per day. i don’t remember her username but she was decently far into the process when i first saw her and she said it was working. obviously that takes a lot of time and effort to do, but if Effexor isn’t doing anything positive for you and you’re interested in getting off of it, maybe something to look into?

i saw that tiktok too. i may try it at some point but my health is too fragile to do it.

ive run out so often bc i kept missing appts and they'd refuse to fill it for me without an appt despite the fact they knew I'd go thru withdrawal w/o it so I kept having to call their crisis line to just stay alive

when i can actually attend an appt i'll talk to my new psych about it.

for anyone curious abt my experience w effexor btw:

im all for people putting whatever they want into their bodies but effexor is honestly such a dangerous substance i cant believe they prescribe it for depression, anxiety, and pain. i cant see how this would help.

its far too strong and is kinda a dirty drug due to how it impacts multiple receptors, but its not too dirty (compared to something like fucking Seroquel which hits 47 different receptors).

when i first started taking it, it genuinely felt like i was on drugs. it feels kinda like an evil DXM trip. as if i downed a bottle of nyquil in a bad headapace.

effexor makes your pupils huge and for me it made me feel both stimulated and sedated at the same time. everything felt unreal. but there wasnt any euphoria. venlafaxine feels dysphoric. its like waking up hungover and chugging a can of monster.

now that im dependent tho i dont feel anything when i take it. but if i dont take it. i get brain zaps every time i move my eyes. absolutely crippling anhedonia. severe mood swings and constant anxiety/panic attacks. no tolerance for stimuli (noise, light, etc) - i have meltdown after meltdown.

i'll get suicidal thoughts and eventually not even realize im feeling this way bc of WD which is very very dangerous. like i could have been doing amazing mentally before but once im in WD i am just. a wreck.

i would actually rather go through full blown opioid withdrawal again than go through effexor withdrawal again. that is how bad the WD is from effexor. for me its worse than WD from 400mg+ a day of opioids.

which, opioid WD feels like every cell in my body being on fire, sweating buckets while shivering, heart racing, shaking, unable to stand, cant eat or drink, throwing up, mood swings, panic attacks, depression. it should be *worse* than Effexor WD bc of the physical symptoms but Effexor's mental WD is just so fucking bad.

TL;DR: proceed with fucking caution with antidepressants like effexor. do not abruptly stop taking antidepressants (other ones do this too) and annoy the fuck out of doctors until they refill a med you are dependent on. i dont care if you're addicted to it, no one should have to cold turkey any medication like that.

please taper off any substance you are dependent on slowly and carefully if you wish to stop taking it. if you cant get professional assistance with it, talk to as many people who have tapered off it safely as possible. read about how doctors do it. do not do anything you are unsure of. you can taper yourself, you have that right, but it is something you must prepare for and carefully monitor.

if you cant taper safely, i understand it feels horrible to have to stay on it, but what matters most is that you're alive right now. cant taper off if you're dead from a WD complication, mental or physical. give yourself time.

[only-knives]

i truly am exhausted by how hard life is as a high support needs / severely disabled person with no caregiving support or real treatment.

wanna go somewhere? sorry, you cant Walk or Open Doors.

wanna make some original art? nope, your arms are Too Weak. but you can do this simple craft if you want. at least there's that.

wanna eat? ahah, well. wouldn't you love that. Stomach Pain and Dizziness. cant cook and cant even eat a snack. Starve.

wanna lay down and rest? everything from the waist down is going to feel like it's in a vice. like someones squeezing your spine from the inside.

sit instead? ahah oh... dear... didnt you hear me before? spine vice.

wanna chat with a friend? there's no one around!

wanna watch a show or play videogames? photophobia and brain fog. push through if you want but you'll regret it.

wanna play with your cat? you cant even keep up with him.

wanna sleep? you'll need to spend 6 hours going back and forth between your bed and the couch because staying in one position for too long is excruciatingly painful

want a moment of peace and comfort literally ever? well you are shit out of luck. you will never feel comfortable again. your pain is permanent.

[ashenmind]

wild to me that people (including medical professionals) still refer to the monoamine hypothesis when discussing depression and antidepressants

“depression is caused by an imbalance of these neurotransmitters in your brain, and anti-depressants fix that. no I don’t have direct evidence of that imbalance being the cause. no I can’t explain why these medications that change the balance very quickly still take weeks to have any effect. no I can’t explain why many patients do not benefit from these at all. no I can’t explain why meds that should make the balance worse do not cause depressive symptoms. you just gotta trust me.”

[only-knives]

reblogging this with the addition that antidepressants have not improved my depression but now im dependent on effexor and if i run out of it w/o getting more in time i end up in a crippling severe withdrawal and am two seconds away from killing myself because of the emotional crash and volatility.

so it literally has only resulted in me having another health problem. and yet I Am The Issue for getting dependent on RC opioids when i have severe debilitating chronic pain and no doctor ever even put controlled, managed opioid pain relief on the table.

But hey. Suboxone works great for my depression and pain. it's almost like depression is caused by suffering and when you alleviate suffering the depression gets better!

[ashenmind]

wild to me that people (including medical professionals) still refer to the monoamine hypothesis when discussing depression and antidepressants

“depression is caused by an imbalance of these neurotransmitters in your brain, and anti-depressants fix that. no I don’t have direct evidence of that imbalance being the cause. no I can’t explain why these medications that change the balance very quickly still take weeks to have any effect. no I can’t explain why many patients do not benefit from these at all. no I can’t explain why meds that should make the balance worse do not cause depressive symptoms. you just gotta trust me.”

[draconym]

It's nuts how common it is to not allow children to be angry, even (especially) in households where adults are angry all the time. As a child I knew my own anger was unacceptable--not just expressing it outwardly but feeling it at all. So now as an adult my immediate reaction to my own anger is often to feel guilt instead of like. Noticing when someone is being rude or unfair or my boundaries are being violated or whatever. fucked up.

[jackawful]

to this day "who is allowed to be angry" has been an incredible benchmark for teasing out who, in abusive situations with mutual accusations and DARVO happening, is being abusive and who is being abused. one of my favorite resources about this, the Creative Interventions Toolkit, phrases the question "who sets the weather?" in the relationship and I think about it so so often when I think about my own childhood. I was parentified in a way that set me up for future abusive relationships, because I had to soothe my parents' anger while not being allowed to feel angry myself. I am extremely grateful to everyone outside myself - friends, therapists, partners - who's gotten angry on my behalf about how I'm treated or let me know something I'd been excusing or blaming myself for was actually Not Okay. I guess the good news here is that it's possible to learn how to access anger again in a healthy way, it just takes support, like doing physical therapy for a muscle that didn't develop quite right.

[draconym]

I relate so strongly to this.

This is not to say that feeling anger is abusive; it's human to feel anger. But if you've ever felt like your anger was "unjustified" or were afraid to express it outwardly because you expected it to be dismissed ... ask yourself how you would react if the roles were reversed. I find that a lot of folks who were The Grown Up in a relationship with their parents hold themselves to much different standards than they hold other people.

I've seen plenty of situations that involve two or more people hurting each other and not admitting any fault because they want to protect their own egos. But. Notice when you think you're not entitled to be upset about something. When someone tells you you shouldn't be upset. There's a difference between taking your anger out on other people and just. Being allowed to feel angry.

[only-knives]

i honestly do need a caregiver but i trust exactly zero people on this planet currently to do that

at the same time i cannot live like this forever. especially when i feel like im gonna die during some flare ups.

i refuse to get ER care every time i need to because im mortified of medical ableism and also the environment would flare my symptoms more.

this isnt sustainable at all and i just hope i can figure something out before the next really bad flare happens. or figure out how to prevent it. that'd be nice too.

but as it stands i can barely eat right now let alone do physical activity or anything people normally do in a day. and this is just my baseline. how am i supposed to live laugh love under these conditions

[only-knives]

been sobbing on and off for hours bc my dad sending me an email wishing me happy birthday bc i didnt give him my new number has completely triggered me and in combination with how shitty my birthday was and how i kinda lost my best friend

i genuinely am not doing good

i just want a hug and comfort and somebody but there's no one to call over. there's nothing i can do about anything. and it just feels like this is all my life will be. alone. lonely. my world just getting smaller and smaller and disabilities getting worse bc i cant even get to a telehealth apparently

i feel useless and my life feels pointless. what is the point of me if i cant do anything or function and i dont even have my family to support me let alone any friends nearby and well ive got one close friend left.

doomed to poverty. cant access most places w my wheelchair alone. crippling pain and fatigue. trauma upon trauma and just getting betrayed and vilified for things that are either harmless or are out of my control but hurt me more than anyone.

it feels like most people really will never understand or accept me. i get there are people who will and a few who do now but.

im tired. i dont wanna go through this shit anymore. all ive wanted was to love and be loved. if that isnt enough then i am not enough. i cant be more than that. i cant do more than offer people my love and im sorry im so fucking useless and helpless.

[stalgivc]

[only-knives]

holy fuck i feel disoriented as shit time to Go to Bed

[only-knives]

i am calming down. i. sure. DID. fine. whatever. ok. um. they say i talk like jordan. i. sure. he seems cool.

this feels bizarre. i dont recognize anything. i know what a website is but apparently still need help using the browser. how do i know things but not know how to do them?

that feels like it shouldnt be possible. right? ahah? i dont wanna be crazy help me

[only-knives]

hi i am really confused right now. i um. i got people in my head telling me to do things. i was playing a videogame and i. i didnt know how to play it. its hytale. i know how to play minecraft. my head really hurts.

they told me to come here and just type what im thinking and click post and i dont understand why because i dont know whats going on. why am i experiencing this? i dont. i dont. i dont have DID. ok. um. - ???

whew okay. giving them a break. - matt

edit: im afraid to post this. i sound crazy. i dont understand. this shouldn't happen to me. why would this happen to me. who. am i even. what the hell is happening.

they're telling me to just post this and ask what to do from people with DID. so. ...

???

[cross-my-heart-o2]

slowly becoming more disabled by chronic illness and communicating with people is like. no i’m sorry i don’t remember your birthday but i think i still know your favorite color. blue, right? no? thank you for lending me this book, but i don’t think i can finish it before you’d want it back. you said something to me, and i don’t know what it was but it was important. i didn’t do that thing i said i’d do for you. i know i asked this before. i forgot your name but i swear you’re an important part of my life. give me a minute, i don’t understand what you’re saying. i know that was a really big thing but remind me of what we’re talking about again? i’m sorry i left you on delivered for two and a half months, i love you. i forgot the promise we made when we were kids. i don’t remember why you’re mad at me. i don’t understand i’m sorry

[only-knives]

at this point i (CSA & SA survivor) am genuinely just angry that so many adults are out there talking about how they'd kill "pedophiles" without possessing a single shred of understanding of how or why child sexual abuse actually happens.

because, contrary to popular belief, abuse is Not caused by attraction. abuse is caused by entitlement. sex isn't caused by attraction. people still have to choose to have sex. and there are people who have fully consensual sex without feeling any attraction to the other individual.

likewise, there are people who choose to abuse children sexually without having attraction to them. and so, there are also people who feel attraction to children and not only do not act on them, but actively choose not to because they don't want to abuse a child.

yeah. sure. getting revenge on child abusers sounds righteous. do you even know how to spot the difference between a safe adult getting close with a child, and a predatory adult getting close with a child? do you know how to make sure you are not overstepping a child's boundaries in just regular, daily life? do you understand what it takes to protect a victim or survivor from an abuser? do you actually know anything beyond "adult has inappropriate contact with child"?

if you don't know that then i really just don't wanna hear about how you want to kill all pedophiles. if you don't know why i'm angry about this you really need to do some reading about this for the safety of any children or mentally ill people you know.

P.S: "predators" or "offenders" or "abusers" are better terms than "pedophile" for talking about child sexual abuse.

[bunnyycocaine]

[dailycatsblog]

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

The thing is, proving that you're "actually disabled" is a losing game which is rigged against you