Subtly Audible

Subtly (subtle) - adjective: fine or delicate in meaning or intent; difficult to perceive or understand Audible - adjective: capable of being heard; loud enough to be heard; actually heard This Blog: my own personal compositions, pictures I like, words and lyrics that all match my life in the moment.

[abduction]

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We hadn't said anything in awhile. I had just watched the road instead of watching her. I had been a jerk to her. I knew I was being a dick but I couldn't help it. I wanted to hurt her back, like the way it hurt me to see her in pictures with other guys. I didn't know if she was fucking around with me and dating other guys. I didn't want to ask. It hurt me to watch her life go by without me, but it had to. I was no good for her. I couldn't give her what she needed. I put the car into park as I waited for her to grab her things. Finally as I turned to say goodbye, I saw a tear run down her cheek. She quickly wiped it off. I stared at her speechless. I had seen her eyes water in the past but I had never seen her cry. I wonder if she saw it on my face.. saw the way my heart broke to know that I had hurt something so perfect and so beautiful. She said nothing, instead she opened the passenger door and got out of my car. I couldn't find words so I just said "Wait.." and than she turned around, gripping the door. As tears came down her face she said, "Wait for what? For you to love me back? I have waited. I have waited what seems a life time. I've waited for you to take a fucking chance on me and trust this can work. I have given you everything possibly imaginable and you treat me like I mean nothing. I am done waiting". And than she shut the door and walked away. I just sat there, watching her walk into the distance knowing I had just lost the girl I was in love with because I was scared. I was scared of the pressure to be that guy. I was scared I couldn't give her the happy ending she wanted. I was scared I would fuck things up and end up fucking up her life. I had just lost the only girl I had ever felt this strongly for. As I realized that, non of those fears really seemed to matter. But I let her walk away.

[happinessandgoodhealth-blog]

[transparent-solitude]

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Confession #4 - I have an eating disorder.. no one would ever guess that though because I am still chubby. I don't look like your average anorexic person. But I think starving yourself counts as an issue.

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I gave up coffee and cigarettes. I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet. I thought my problems would just dissipate and all my pain would be in yesterday. I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain and watched my bad habits get flushed away. I thought that that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday. But it’s true, I’m still blue. But I finally know what to do. I must quit, I must quit, you. I thought that if I didn’t go and play the sadness would get bored and go away. I thought that if I didn’t go astray that all my pain would be in yesterday.

coffee & cigarettes - michelle featherstone

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Words cant express how much I hate myself. Too bad I can't die.

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It seems like being 20 has just been about putting on a brave face so far. Looking happy so that everyone else is okay. I am not okay. Not for a second. And I have no one.

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[spacebuns]

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You managed to make a fool of me again. That is the part that hurts the most. I could move on, I know I could find another guy who makes me just as happy. That isn't the issue. The issue is that you made a fool out of me, not once but twice. You made me believe you loved me in all your cute romantic gestures. You make me believe that I mean something to you and than do this. And as I cry, I am not crying about you, I am crying about how frustrated I am that I let you back into my heart, just to allow you to break it all over again. Fuck.

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Confession #3 Some days I just stand, or sit, looking out my window, out into my backyard. Looking past the bushes, out onto the meadow, which leads to a busy road. And I stay still there, watching the cars go by, listening to music. It's calming to be able to watch the world go by and be standing still. It's the only way I know how to slow down the world for just a little bit (or at least feel like I can slow it down). When I do this, it's almost subconscious, like I am drawn to look out the window. And for a moment, I can breathe.

[unbeknownstlove]

Don’t you think its better to be extremely happy for a short while, 
even if you lose it, than to just be ‘okay’ your whole life?

Time Travelers Wife

(via unbeknownstlove)

[subtlyaudible]

Happiness in Simplicity

I'm happy today. I can look at today and actually say I am 100% happy and that doesn't always happen and I'm going to enjoy it while I can because I haven't felt this way in a long time. When you feel good like this you feel like you can conquer the world. Like you can take an ordinary task or maybe an annoying one and just have fun with it and bring it to life and make it a good experience. Like you can manipulate everything in life to have the same flavor and punch of positive as you feel. I was walking back to my car from public transit, wearing a skirt in the freezing cold and I was singing to myself "I'm walkin on sunshine, woahh and don't it feel good!" I didn't care about anything. I just knew I felt good. See when you're positive you don't let the little things bug you as much, especially when you're really happy. And I've got to say, for once I haven't over analyzed things or put an expectation on things. For once I just went out and had fun, no questions asked. And just my luck, I had a good guy friend be the only person I explained my situation to, and he gave me great advise that I had a good thing going for me and to just leave it, don't pick it apart with thoughts and he's exactly right. Having that support and re-enforcement helps. As well as the reminder. And laying here about to go to bed, having not picked apart or analyzed a situation to death feels amazing. I'm not stressing over nothing and I'm not trying to have everything defined. I am basking in the joys of the imperfections and looking at my life, despite a bit of a mess that it is, and seeing that it is good. I haven't felt this way since I got back from Europe but I am truly happy and I do feel able to follow life and each day fearlessly. Because if you have that strength to go after what you want and move past the insignificant negative stuff than you are golden. And I feel like I can do that. Most of all, I don't understand why people always feel the need to share their whole personal lives with the world or ask a bunch of friends opinions. I have a theory that the thing that can kill a relationship the fastest is people/"friends" and their opinions they put on something they know nothing about. This time I have kept the scenario of what's going on to myself other than my guy friend and I couldn't be happier. No one is spewing their bullshit opinion on my good thing. I don't care if I have the title of girlfriend, I don't care if there are negative possibilities or I could get "hurt". What I know is I am enjoying my time with him, and I don't need to destroy it with seriousness and trying to define it. And I don't need to live in fear of how things could end up. I am beyond happy being in his arms and spending time with him. And all that matters is that you're happy, not that it fits into guide lines society has mapped out of how things are suppose to work. I feel confident and I feel loved and cared for. I feel strong. And it's weird to think that two weeks ago I could barely function and thought it was the end of the world. Hell it wasn't until a week ago that I felt I could even breathe anymore. Now I feel light as a feather. If only I could make others feel this happy. If only I could spread this joy, the world would be a much happier place.

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