Suddenly Single

Surviving Suicide My journey through losing my husband to suicide. The real. The raw. The emotional. All the stages of grief and almost every other emotion known to humans. He committed suicide 9/24/18. I will say committed-regardless of what professionals suggest- it was the wrong choice to make. Make another choice. Seek help.

[suddenlysingle23]

My Husband Died, Not My Sense of Humor - The Widhoe Next Door's Ko-fi Shop

A dark humor coloring book for widows. Grief is hard. Dark humor helps. 🖤 My Husband Died, Not My Sense of Humor is an adult coloring boo

Adult Coloring Book

[suddenlysingle23]

Falling in love again after a huge loss is scary. I don’t believe people most of the time. I assume they are waiting to leave me. That they will tell me they love me BUT someone else will always come first. They will choose someone else before they choose me. I’ve been hurt in the past.

And then one day you meet someone that makes you want to take all of the chances anyway. They can explain your feelings even when you can’t.

They can hear all of your nonsense and still be able to know exactly which part of that nonsense actually means the world to you deep inside and validate your feelings.

You can ask them anything, tell them anything, Say anything. Never feel stupid never feel afraid.

[weltenwellen]

Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies

[yellowtailbirdy]

[sweetv83]

That’s a negative ghost rider. You can absolutely HATE the experiences that shaped you. You do not have to be ashamed of the bad things that may have happened to you. You don’t have to keep carrying guilt over past mistakes and you can forgive yourself if you caused harm in those experiences. You can grow from what shaped you. And you can fucking hate that it happened.

I love who I am now. I’m stronger from the domestic violence I experienced. I’m more compassionate and better in tune as a parent after being molested as a child. I have much greater empathy and I’m way less of a judgmental person because of things that have hurt me deeply. I have discovered I CAN love myself and I still hate the fact my husband at the time killed himself even if that experience has shaped me into the person I love today.

This saying is faulty.

[sensualcuriosity]

[yazyazyazyazyazyaz]

[suddenlysingle23]

[destroymylife]

[gothdolly]

[suddenlysingle23]

This. This is complicated grief.

[releasingdemons]

[yellowtailbirdy]

[suddenlysingle23]

Sometimes, it feels like with his suicide he did this to me. So I respond by living, breathing, surviving, and thriving.

[suddenlysingle23]

The couple that bought our house. The house we built. The blood sweat and tears we put into the place. The house he ended our future at.

They just had a baby.

They are raising their baby in our house.

But it’s not our house anymore. He left. He gave it to me. My house was filled with ghosts of what should have been. He took our financial security and our sanity and our stability with one bullet that evening. So it wasn’t our house anymore.

They are raising their baby in my house.

But it’s not my house anymore either. I sold it. I left. I could manage the memories of what happened. I couldn’t handle knowing the future we planned he ended. I needed to run away from it. So it isn’t my house anymore.

They are raising their baby in their house.

And it fucking hurts.

Also, my dead husband’s parents have become bff’s with them.

My baby cried after school today because he wants his daddy back. His daddy’s mom is fawning over their baby.

Fuck suicide.

[silkandfirewordsmith73-deactiva]

[fadedheartbreq-blog]

“When you left, you left a mess of me. I was a fragment of broken pieces that I had to learn to put back together. I didn’t want to deal with the mess for a long time. I couldn’t even process it at first. How can you process something like that? How can you get used to waking up alone after being used to someones presence for so long. I couldn’t handle waking up to an empty bed, so I filled it with faceless men who I had numbed myself to. It was only until I kissed someone that kissed like you that I snapped back into my reality. Then it got dark. I couldn’t bare looking at another person. I couldn’t imagine loving another person. I didn’t want to feel anyone elses touch. I started seeing you in my dreams more and more and I slept weeks away. When I saw you kissing someone else and laughing with someone else, it really clicked to me that it was over. That realization hit me like a 10 ft wave. The first time I saw you with her I couldn’t breathe. The second time she was on your story, I had to delete my whole page because I wanted to stay in denial. and the third time, well the third times a charm. The third time I found out you actually loved her because you took her to the mountains and you never took me. Heartbreak is like a death you have to keep reliving. I learned that the hard way. I thought I died when you told me you loved me, just not enough to stay. I thought I died when I realized I may never feel your lips again. I thought I died when I saw you with someone else. It was death over and over again for me and every morning the sun rose and I had to deal with my funeral over and over again. Months passed, and as time went by, pieces of me and you went by with it. I so badly wanted to believe in us but it became more clear that we never existed to you. Seeing someone else get the love that you had begged for can really shatter you in more ways than I can write. I’m not bitter about it. I was sad. I was angry. I was numb but I was never bitter, I could never let myself hate you. I tried, becuse it was easier but there was always a place in my heart that was ready for you. I think thats what hurt even more. Knowing I’d let you touch me again if you wanted to. I don’t know how I got over it. I still don’t understand it really. I guess slowly, I had to pick up my pieces because no one else was going to. I loved you, and I blamed myself for the love but I forgot that love was supposed to be beautiful. I started putting the love somewhere else. And after some time, It stopped hurting to see your name. After some time, I wanted someone who would take me to the mountains.”

— moving on slowly 

[suddenlysingle23]

Standing at the cemetery for a few minutes at lunchtime today. 5 years ago this Thursday started a roller coaster of the next two years. I lost my oldest brother, my teenage nephew, my aunt, my cousin, my dad, my husband, and a good family friend ... within the next 2 year span. I like to imagine that none of this shit happening so close together has changed me - but here I am 5 years later still wondering wtf just happened, settling in to a calmer routine, (and losing a friend and cousin to covid), and wondering why I hesitate to let go and be happy.

I’m NOT miserable. I have hope and joy in general most of the time. I have fun. I just keep it at a “healthy” distance and don’t let myself think it is possible all the time or in all areas of my life. I have more anxiety and I overthink most everything now. That’s my next big step - trying to NOT overthink. Trying to really take it one day at a time and one step at a time and just see how it all goes. Make plans, anticipate fun, go for it .... be ok - truly OK - that this has all changed me from the person I was before but it doesn’t mean the person I am now is a negative thing.