I cannot sleep right now. But I came to the revelation that when I’m in conversation with people I do this sort of pattern. Where when I am talking, I down play thoughts/feelings/ideas that mean a lot to me and over exaggerate thoughts/feelings/ideas that don’t mean a lot to me. I think I do this as a defense mechanism so that people can’t get to know the real me because they may not like me. I tell people things so that they perceive me a certain way, but why would I want to do that? Why would I give people this false version of myself, when I can show them the real and weird side of me? I am my own worst enemy: I am stopping myself from BEING myself in front of others, people that I highly respect. I am risking losing the ability to make deep connections with people because I am not actually opening up and being real with them. I’m literally being fake. And in a way I’ve known that I’ve been doing this, and sometimes I come away from conversations not feeling great, and now I’m realizing it’s because I do THIS. I was able to put into words a behavior that I was doing that made me feel a certain way, and now I am going to try and fix that. Only speak the truth and about meaningful things ✌️to everyone no matter what.
Of course I won’t be hard on myself, and I don’t do that all the time. BUT it’s more than enough to make me feel un-authentic, which is one of my pet peeves for other people. So obviously I cannot be a hypocrite!!
Good luck future me. I love you. You are beautiful inside and out and everyone needs to know that. So go be you:)
