Deirdre Verdolino

Short stories, poems, ideas and sensations.

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New projects

space art combined with the absurd

Space ships made of duck models headed into CYGNUS X-1 a black hole in the center of the Milky Way

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Reposting my science fiction absurdist art to remind myself to paint more and be less punishing of myself for not being perfect.

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New projects

space art combined with the absurd

Space ships made of duck models headed into CYGNUS X-1 a black hole in the center of the Milky Way

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I am sorry it is not horizontal...I think if anything I want to paint sci Fi art combined with the absurd...something the nerds would be entertained with and by...

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New Year, same same

The year ahead feels less daunting than the last five. The elements of what makes a person good has been on my mind...what percentage are you of anything? How can one be broken into parts like 30/70 good/evil, or 40/50/10...mom, wife, slut.

What are Percent Ages....they change as we are through time. I am in awe of those who are self-actualized...feel like it is an impossible feat.

With the damage of countless injuries that pass as the years tick into timeless physical less bodies...where are you in your percent age?

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Groucho meets the Monkey in the Pinelands of NJ. Also, this was a grief coping mechanism. I had lost my dad and cat in a two-month period, and instead of starving myself to death, I decided to go comedy, which has served me well since the late-night talk shows and comedians of the 1980s ′s inspired me to become a stand-up comic in NYC before 9/11 derailed my career.

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On the Run into Danger

Go ahead, tell it like it really happened, and ignore all the people that ask you "Are you sure you saw that happening?" or deny or belittle the fact that a man was sexually abusing you.

Go ahead, tell it like you left a bad situation forcibly, and went to find a safe harbor but instead you got thrown into a sea of thrashing waves from past trauma.

Go ahead, you are not lying. You saw what you saw on that couch, sitting next to your friend's husband. You saw his shorts, red, with his shirt, going up and down. You looked again from the corner of your eye; and you held your gaze, to be sure that was what was happening. And you froze, and you got up slowly, and in doing so, knocked over a glass on the floor next to your foot. It gave a break in the momentary helpless and humiliated feeling. You got up and you took the glass with the banana peel inside and you walked to the kitchen to rinse it and clean it off. Then you said you were going to read and go to bed, and you left.

*sexual abuse is not just touching. it is real and can be within the scope of your vision and general area. not feeling safe can happen at any time.

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Ted Lasso and Grieving my father and kitty

I just was watching season two of ted lasso a great show on apple tv...

Ted, the main character "it's funny how life can make you cry about something just cause it existed, and also cry when it is gone, but hopefully, those things are in our lives to help us get to a better place"

and it made me cry a lot in my hotel room, I drove so far east I needed to bunk up, and I found a special place called the rocky mountain lodge in Dubois, WY

in the tv show, he was referring to a soccer player that accidentally killed a dog and you know, I feel that way about my poor kitty because I was so broken after losing my dad I could hardly take care of her

and then I went to my to visit a hs friend and his two boys to get my mind on good things and I accidentally locked my poor kitty in a walk-in closet for two nights...could have been even three, but I have a hard time forgiving myself because when I came home and found her, she was meowing in such a pitiful sound, and barely able to walk...it put me in an almost trance-like state of shock...I had no energy to take her to the vet late that night, and my heart said she would be put to sleep...

I tried to give her an injection of steroids and failed.. and she died on my bedroom floor...on a pile of clean socks...rigor mortis had set in and her eyes were open when I found her dead...

my heart may never be healed, as she was my familiar, she knew me, I knew her, when she was at the back door, when she knew I was in the depths of despair alone after my father died; when she was in pain with thyroid issues, i held her on my chest and she would come there and sleep heart to heart with me...i am crying now and will always when I think of her unconditional love and spirit; and I used to be so critical of people who would never want to adopt a new animal after theirs died...but now, I know. I cannot watch another animal die.

I put her body in a towel and then in a duffel bag and in my garage...I was so doubly broken at that point, I remember around that time nightly sitting on my bed and rocking alone to soothe myself...even thinking I cannot take this life anymore, I will starve myself to death in my room, and maybe one day the police will find me in three months...I will leave an envelope with my bank passwords so someone can pay to bury me.

A few days later, finally, I had the strength to carry that duffel bag from the garage, crying and talking to myself and the cat as I made my way to the pre-dug grave in my backyard for her. I put up a kind of teepee around the grave and flowers...

I planted some tomato plants on top of the grave, which I never harvested and hope the baby bunnies that I saved from my cat's jaws can feast on them and continue to live.

I hope these dark experiences help me get to a better place like the beautiful character of Ted Lasso says... because I pray to God I never have to experience that depth of sorrow again.

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Badlands National  Park

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I have become even more obsessed with birds, now that I am in a new place. When I see a bird fly overhead driving or near my car at the right moment on the highway; I take a mental snapshot to remember to find out what kind of bird it is.

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YUK YUKS Toronto Canada

I auditioned supposedly for a cable access show twice in the winter of Toronto in like 1999. The year might be off a year. The guy was named Danny Gayle and he impersonated an assistant for like six months and tried to get me to join his show and do some cool sketches and stuff. This was early internet, I think when I woudl try to look him up I could not get too much info on the guy, but anyway. I said WTF, I had been doing comedy for a couple of years, got a call from one point from 3 Arts Entertainment and I sent them a VHS tape. I think what made me so excited was that I always wanted to be part of a sketch comedy show after finding that stand up and improv was not really for me, but when I had something with parameters, I could shine as an actor; being never so sure where it would come from, the fishing of the character..Sometimes you catch a tag or a joke the right way, and the pop of laughter is pure fucking joy.

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Missing Comedy, Get your work done

It doesn't matter when I used to do stand up how many peole were there. I would always go for it. I was weird, roaming up and down the genre list of comedy, and embarrassed myself but I didn't care. I don't know who that woman was.

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I was going to practice a drum beat...

I get a text from my drummer friend today...and I have a high hat, a snare drum and stand, and a bass pedal in my car; and have been waiting to fuck with it. I am happy that I can practice, since it is one thing I want to focus on after going through caregiving to another and having the space now to save myself.

I CAN SAVE MYSELF and so can you, heck if Drew Barrymore came to that conclusion, so can we.

I got distracted by walking around the hotel hood and it was weird. There were threats of a tornado. Maybe even some sick ass thunderstorms. I drove in rain for like five and a half hours today and it very draining of you emotionally and mentally. But the whole time I'm like, "I really would love to see a tornado to make this moving car wash worth it."

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Recap after four days on the road...PART 1...watching the planet die and I've got good seats. Doesn't matter where ya sitting, you can see the show...bleachers will be fine for awhile.

It's dark but its light

It's hot but it's coooolllldd reality

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Groin issues

I feel like writing again, so I am just going to write anything to get back into it and the flow and stop being scared of the truth coming out in such a harsh manner it scares me.

So in my groin and weird under part of the thigh which is like a woman's taint but not really, I have a weird feeling of throbbing and pulsing. I had a hysterectomy but have my ovaries. Is there anyone who has similar issues?

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Where am I going?

I wonder if you could guess. I wonder if you can find me. I like being where no one can know where I am. It is escapism but also a beautiful sense of freedom. We have all lost our freedoms, we have all lost our sense of compass. Internal, maybe, but this goes back to an unconscious understanding of the wonderful ways of life...where are you tonight?