[suicidalcrazedlionn]

March 26th, 2018

I’m such a fucking failure, I can never do anything right. I never get any positive exposure, I only get attention when someone wants to fight.

They say I’m dumb, stupid, obnoxious, annoying, and so many other things. And I believe them, but it’s not those words that sting.

It’s just me, my head and my heart pounding out of my chest. I feel like my brain is constantly putting me to the test. Am I good enough? No. Am I smart enough? No. Am I pretty enough? No. And I’m definitely not the only one who tells me so.

Yes I know these things are true, but to realize that I certainly don’t need you. I just want to get away, and not one person even wants me to stay.

I wake up wanting to kill myself and go to sleep asking myself why I didn’t. I’m not even living anymore, I’m just distant. There are so many people telling me I should just do it, so why is it so hard for me to go through with it?

The honest reason I’m still here is because I’m too scared to do anything. It’s the fear that I might miss something actually good occurring.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

June 6th, 2017

I thought it was over.

Of course nothing’s ever that easy for me.

I keep trying to make it all go away,

But even now, they still can’t manage to see.

Maybe their vision’s blurry,

Or perhaps their ears are plugged.

‘Cause one night I told them; 

And all I got was a shrug.

I explained how I felt.

I described the thoughts in my head

That won’t go away

Until I’m gone and dead.

By now I’d prefer that

Instead of being trapped here.

They’re better off without me, anyways.

No one would shred a tear.

I guess that’s goodbye, than.

I’ve said that times before.

Each time I say “I mean it,”

I won’t be trusted anymore.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

August 5th, 2016

It’s my thoughts

That keep me up at night.

Not a dream or a nightmare

That gave me a fright.

It’s the thoughts

Constantly flowing around in my mind.

Everything I hear internally,

And on the inside.

So many things

Going on in my head.

It keeps me moving and rolling

Around in my bed.

It keeps me awake;

Everything going on.

I’m beginning to break,

I don’t know where I went wrong.

The thoughts in my head

Are all about me.

How I’m unliked,

And my terrible personality.

I guess you could say

It’s just my insecurities;

But that’s what I’m made of.

I just want it to end, please.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

June 20th, 2016

What has kept me here?

Why am I still alive?

Is it the love I feel for others?

If I died they would be just fine.

I’m constantly told

How much people hate being around me.

How I ruin everything,

How I’m not what they want me to be.

So why do I spend

Every second

Wishing I was dead,

When I could be?

I want to be happy, make people happy;

But the only feeling I bring is dread.

They tell me to be myself,

And then they judge me.

They don’t really want me,

They want someone else who I can’t be.

Because, you see, they hate me.

I don’t want to live like that.

I want to make people happy.

Instead, I only bring them misery.

So why am I here?

They’ll never appreciate what I’m trying to do.

I’m only getting in the way,

If only they knew.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

May 16, 2016

I’ve officially given up.

I’m done.

I’m done trying,

I’m done breathing,

I’m done lying.

I’m done bleeding.

I served my time in this hell,

So why am I still here?

My sentence is over,

I need to disappear.

I glance down at my wrists, 

And then at my thighs,

But the pain is nowhere near

What I feel inside.

I begin to notice

The water pooling in my eyes.

I’m all alone,

It’s okay to cry.

The tear’s slip down my face,

But no one’s here to see,

No one to embrace,

Nobody understands me.

I’ve tried my best to stay strong for the people I love,

But I’ll never be good enough for them.

They want everything I’m devoid of.

I wish I could change,

If it was just that simple.

But no one will ever accept me,

If they did, I’d be eternally grateful.

But they don’t,

And they won’t.

And I’ve embraced the fact that

I’m an outsider.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

April 13, 2016

I woke up one morning

Regretful to see

My whole life right in front of me.

A life that should be with little to no tears,

So why do my crying eyes still appear?

When you look into my eyes

You know it’s all a lie,

But you can never tell

All I want to do is die.

The pain isn’t physical,

But internal.

I try to seize it,

But I can’t even relieve it.

I can only overpower it

For a few short seconds,

Leaving my skin

Some unfriendly presents.

At the times when life gets rough,

And I realize the blade isn’t enough,

I try to sleep.

I try to rest,

I only feel an aching in my chest.

I down the pills,

I take some more.

When the last one’s gone,

I fall to the floor.

As I lay down 

On my back,

My eyelids close

And the world turns black.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

April 2, 2016

They think they understand me.

They think they know my pain.

So why don’t they understand that

Words hurt all the same?

They don’t know

What I’ve been through.

The childhood I’ve had.

They don’t know 

The feeling

Of always being sad.

They don’t know

How much I hate myself,

What I do when I’m alone.

They don’t know

What it’s like

To live in the hell I call home.

They don’t know

How much I want to give up,

Or how I want to end it all.

They don’t know

That when they hurt me,

How hard I fall.

They don’t know

How much I’m aching,

The pounding in my head.

They don’t know

Anything about me

Or how badly I want to be dead.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

March 31, 2016

I sit in this place,

The hell I call home;

Nobody can see me

I’m tired and alone.

I always tell myself

I don’t need anyone;

That I should set myself free.

But the truth is,

Underneath it all,

They don’t need me.

I’m over here crying

While you’re over there flying

And I’m slowly dying,

But you can’t stop smiling.

Not all scars are visible.

They don’t always heal.

So often you can’t see

The pain that I feel.

But sometimes you can see

The marks on my skin.

Because they’re caused by me,

Self inflicted.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

January 15, 2016

What I feel is not sadness,

Nor anger or tears.

It’s merely the fact

That I’ve felt nothing for years.

One cannot comprehend

The hollow pit in my heart.

Nor can they see

That I’m falling apart.

You say that you love me,

You say that you care.

But you’re the one causing me

This pain I can’t bare.

There’s only one way

I can find some relief.

I draw with the silver

The blade goes in deep.

The pain I feel

Cannot compare

To the joy I know

Will soon be there.

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

January 13, 2016

I asked her what’s wrong,

She said “Nothing, I’m fine.”

But from my own experience

I know that she’s lying.

The cuts down her arms,

The fake smile on her face,

The voice in her head

Telling her to end the chase.

When she thinks no one’s watching

She breaks down in tears.

“Soon it will be over,” Says the voice in her mind.

“No need to fear.”

“Stay strong now,” I tell her as she lets out a sigh.

She says “I can’t promise you that,”

“I’m going to die.”

[suicidalcrazedlionn]

January 13, 2016

I’m depressed! Can’t you see?

The monsters are inside of me.

I wish you’d help,

But you don’t know

It can’t just vanish

It will only grow.

You think I’m just sad

And a brat that gets mad

But I’ts more than that.

I’m dying inside.

I’m numb to emotion,

I’m numb to lie.

Days aren’t really days,

Just annoying obstacles that need to be faced.

It only gets worse when you’re expected to handle it with grace.

And how do we do that?

Through cutting, through smoking, through drinking, through drugs.

They think they can help us

With care and with love.

Little do they know

It won’t go away.

The emptiness I feel,

It’s here to stay.

That’s my depression,

Not sadness or tears.

Because nothing compares

to the loneliness I feel.

Sure, I’m smiling

But don’t let that fool you.

Look into my eyes.

I wish you could see

That I’m breaking inside.

I no longer check

for monsters under the bed.

Because they’re crawling inside me.

They’re all in my head.

The voices, I hear them.

They’re beating a drum.

You know I can’t feel it,

I feel nothing, I’m numb.

“No one will miss you, 

They won’t even cry.

Just go on and do it,

You might as well die.”

The voices, they taunt me

on and on again.

Constantly repeating,

Circling my head.

You can’t tell that when I smile,

I’m only holding a secret.

It isn’t gossip or lies,

It’s held in the deepest of places.

My eyes may be blue,

That’s the one thing you can see.

But the rest is a mask,

You don’t know the real me.

As I exist in this hell

And been through all the the years,

These big blue eyes

Have been dyed with my tears.