You still cross my mind from time to time
Still so set on finding out where we went wrong
So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen
trying to figure out what my head thinks but
just ain't what it used to be
I’ve spent the last few days doing just that: retracing our very step and I'd like you to see if you remember it that way.
I met Theo during the last week of January. We chatted everyday for a month and both of our friend group told us we should be together, so we got together!
I’d never had a boyfriend and was never interested in sex but I had no self esteem and having a guy who liked me and would tell me I was pretty felt like the next best thing.
But then we actually had to spend time together, and I realised I didn't find him funny and I didn't like him physically. But I made him so happy.
We first bonded over the fact that we were "depressed", and seeing how much of an impact I could have on his life ; I wanted him to feel joy for the both of us.
But then he cut off his hair... and I couldn't ignore the fact that kissing him did not feel good at all. So I broke up with him... or at least I tried. This is when you appeared: trying to "save the relationship", Eliott on their white horse was there to save the day.
That night, that first night we talked, I was hooked. I don't know what it was about you but you sounded so sure of yourself, like you already knew everything.
You told me everything would be ok, and I trusted you immediately. Of course Tristan had talked about you : his "best friend" who I never really saw because you'd always be out with your then girlfriend (Danielle, I don't think you even remember her). He had told me you were more mature then his other friends and that you did not like the kind of childish jokes that him and Luka would tell.
From that day on, I only noticed you. I would only hang out with Theo if you were around, and at some point, I would wait for him with you before school (we usually arrived at the same time and Tristan would be there 10 minutes later).
Then, on my birthday, the three of us stayed together after school. I wrote it in my agenda ; I wrote it in my diary : BEST PARASCO EVER. I had the greatest time because you were there ― with Danielle.. but thats beside the point― and you even cuddled me a bit. You told us about how you'd have euphoric dreams (about Anne) and wanted to kill yourself when you woke up. I was so moved by that. I wanted to help you so much and tell you how perfect you were and how I was there for you... but Tristan was still there.
The next day, you broke up with Danielle.
During that week, the two of us would talk more frequently, but we talked mostly about Theo. I don't actually know how and why ― maybe because I would talk about you constantly ― people started to think I was going out with the both of you. I would tell my friends I felt polygamous but that you loved someone else. But they kept saying I had you both to myself.
Then, (I still don't understand what went through his head that day) Theo felt SO BAD for you because you were so sad about losing Anne that he proposed we do a threesome. Mind you, at this point we had never kissed for more than a second and every time he would talk about anything remotely sexual I would change the subject or ask him to change the subject. But since you were involved, I said I was ok with it. You told me to keep the joke going until the next day. That whole night, Theo talked about how it would go down and he even said he would "let Eliott go first" (more like "break the seal", but you get it).
The next day, we stayed after school again. I'm guessing this time you cuddled me even more because later that evening Theo started to ask questions.
A week later, my friend asked you if you liked me. Your answer was vague, but still rippled through my boyfriend's brain... and mine.
Still, I would tell my friends there was no way we could be together : you still loved Anne, you fucked everything that moves ― we called you M. Cubicule ― and most importantly, you were my boyfriend's best friend.
On Saturday May 24th, Theo asked me what I liked about him, and everything fell apart : I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't fake it anymore, I couldn't lie anymore. I broke up with him, telling him he didn't need me because I didn't love him enough.
I'll take a break from the story to tell you a bit about the behind the scenes. I am writing all of this because as I said, I've been retracing our every step. To do so, I've read my diary from 2014 and all of our dms on Facebook from the night we met, April 12th 2014, to our "first month anniversary", June 26th 2014.
And I have to say, the story is actually really sad...
I broke up with Theo on a Saturday, so we did not see each other until Monday.
Monday night, you told me you liked me. I didn't know how to react and I was 98% sure you were kidding. You told me that you cared about me and that I'll "forever be in your heart". I told you that I cared about you too, and how I didn't want you to kill yourself over Anne. Later that night you told me you loved me, and I was so confused.
The next day, Tuesday, we talk all day and you told me that Theo "figured out about us" and asked me if we should start dating openly right then and there. You told me waiting a couple of days or weeks wouldn't change anything : Theo would be hurt either way. I was in love and I didn't actually care about Theo so I said why not! Except, I did not think about the fact that everybody would see me as "the girl who left her boyfriend to get with his best friend".
On May 29th, I wrote a cringy little poem in my diary ― I don't think I ever showed it to anybody―, and since you know the other parts of the story already, I'll put it here for you to read (it is your birthday after all) :
I know she is probably prettier than me
I know she is way skinnier than me
I know you've fucked already
and I know you still think about her
but I also know that she's gone
accept it and deal with it
I'm here! I can do anything for you to love me
but I don't know what you think about and
I don't know if you love me...
From that point on, we would see each other at almost every break and lunch time at school ; to the point that my friends started to feel left behind. Theo and Luka would call me a slut every time I was near them and my classmates would tell me how horrible of a person I was. But I had you, and you had me.
I'll take another short break from the story to tell you a bit about me.
Through the years, I've struggled a lot with my sexuality. I came across different labels and I'm still not confortable labeling myself. Having that said, I will label myself as asexual so you can understand the next part better.
I was not going to write the first part... But I guess you deserve you'll understand better if you get the full story.
The week after we got together, the two of us stayed after school. While we were waiting for the buses, you hugged me and dragged me until my back was against the wall. Then you kissed me like never before, grabbing my ass a bit and stroking my leg. I couldn't believe how this felt : you could have done anything to me in that moment and I was yours. Your touch ignited a fire in me I didn't know was there.
Three days later, you asked me to come to your house during the weekend. My friends all said that if I went, I would not come back with my virginity, so I was on the fence about it. But then, you told me (in the most subtle way) that you didn't have any condoms. I thought "great! We cannot fuck if we don't have condoms! Problem solved" so I agreed to go.
On Sunday June 8th, two weeks after we got together, I'm all ready to go to your house and meet your family for the first time. At the last minute, you tell me to bring a swimsuit. I didn't want to bring one for three reasons : first, I hated my body; second, I hated being wet, and third, I had my period and hated tampons. I told you I couldn't find my swimsuit and didn't bring it.
I don't remember everything but we did go to the lake. You jumped in the water with your brother and I stayed on the quay. Later we got back to your house and we went to your "room" ― ... "room" ― with your brother. You sat him down at the computer, you put some music on (Owl City), and you told him to play Minecraft and to not look at us. You joined me in the bed and started touching me. I don't remember how everything went down, but lets agree the conditions were not the best. When I got back home. The only thing you texted me was "alors, pas trop déconcerté?".
The next day I was scared I was going to get pregnant. You told me everything was okay because you "knew how to pull out" and I trusted you. During the week, you were more and more distant because we couldn't see each other outside of school, and at school, my friends wanted me to go with them.
I was constantly between you and them.
School was almost over, we had the exam week and then I left for Toronto for four days. These days were hard for the both of us : you dreamt about Anne and I was alone in Toronto (most of my friends were not my classmates).
When I got back, you lashed out at me because we couldn’t see each other because my town’s festival blocked all the roads. I tried explaining to you that it wasn't my fault and that I would have done anything to be with you... but nothing was good enough for you.
In the days following, we figured out a way for me to go to your house... But under one condition : I couldn't "cross my legs".
I stopped my reading (for now) on June 26th 2014, our first month anniversary. But it went something like...
M: Hey! Ça fait un mois :3 ♥
M: De quoi ..? Pourquoi t'excuse tu?
E: de mon insistance et de t'avoir parlé d'Anne
E: alors pour l'insitance me pardonne tu?
E: merci encore pour le cadeau je l'aime vraiment
E : je sais que j'ai l'air con mais c'est quand ta fête?
E : pcq je savait pas quand c'était et je savait pas qu'on était née le même mois
M : Et toi c'est le 7 avril ;)
E : :0 comment sais tu sa? ;)
M : Je t'avais déjà dit que je mémorise tout ce que tu me dit ;)?
As I told you, I've been thinking about our story for way too long now. But I will read the rest ; even if I know it just gets worst from there.
Reading all of that, I've realised I've always loved the idea of you I had made in my head. From the moment we met, you were so comfortable to me ; I didn't know you and yet, I trusted you with my life. I found somebody who I thought felt like me, so weird and out of place, but mostly so alone. We felt so alone and we finally had someone who was as desperate as us. I did find you charming and smart and pretty and funny ... but I also knew your heart was somewhere else. I wanted to fill the hole in your heart so bad it would fill mine. I also knew I wasn't enough, and you proved me right.
We would often talk about having children, which is actually really funny to me because I never thought I wanted children.
You asked me once how I would name them, I said I had no idea and you said "I'd call them Bob and Bobette". So funny that my cat – the closest thing I have to a child –is called Bobette.
I'll stop here, feel free to answer, or not. This is obviously my side of the story and I'm sure yours is a lot different.
I wrote all that for you, but mostly for me. Happy birthday <3
P.S. You once asked me if I had an artistic side. I told you my life was boring and that nothing interested me. You answered "well this will probably change with me." and you were right: you are my muse.
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