ā¦Read on aO3! - Masterlist - Soldier Boy Masterlistā¦
ā¦summary: ben starts acting rather strange. being quiet. hitting on you less. making sure you eat. you're worried, even though he doesn't want you to be. you never could've guessed the reason why.ā¦
ā¦warnings/tags: Soldier Boy x female!reader, no use of y/n, no description of reader, age gap (he's a hundred), light angst, softer!ben in a way (as soft as he can get lmao), canon divergance, pining, plot to earn the smut (panty stealing/kink, posessiveness, teasing, messy sex, size kink, dry humping, sex pollen, stripping, body worship, dom!Ben, blowjobs, finger sucking, masturbation, fingering, begging, nipple play, manhandling, oral f!reciving, pussy spanking, overstimulation, praise and degredation kink, clit abuse, creampie, monster dick ben, rough sex, this man is a sex god, just so many orgasms, dumbification, dacryphilia, hyperspermia, squirting), love confessions, fluffā¦
ā¦wc: 10.3kā¦
ā¦author's note: request! i dare to ask the question. can this man get hornierā¦
Ben is being quiet. Itās incredibly worrying.
Youād been waiting for them to get back from the mission on the couch, and heād stormed into the room like the world outside was on fire. Youād sat up with wide eyes, and heād gone perfectly still. His face had been red, his eyes blown out, his attention almost burning through you.
āBen?ā Youād whispered, unsure if you should be running to him, or as far away as you could get. āAre you- Is there something wrong-ā
Heād lurched back, blinking wildly. Youād sat up on your knees, ready to reach for him, and heād taken a staggered step back.
āBen-ā
Heād marched into the meeting room like something was dragging him there. Youād sat on the couch for another minute, staring blankly after him until the rest of the team came up.
You sat next to him for the debrief. You always sat next to him, no matter how you protested. It didnāt matter how many times you asked not to play babysitter, you were the best at it.
It was a low bar. You just had to not egg him on like Butcher, or try to give him a free, unlicensed therapy session like Hughie. You just sat there, and glowered while he grinned, and everyone said you had Soldier Boy on a leash. Ā
āWhatās wrong with you,ā you hiss during the meeting, and Ben shoots you a sideways glare.
He still doesnāt say anything. When you poke his arm, he recoils, flinching as if heād been shot.
Thatās what makes you freeze.
Ben doesnāt flinch. He doesnāt wince, and he doesnāt whine or bitch or moan. Youāve seen a rocket launcher slam into his chest, and heād roared like an animal before throwing the thing back at the shooter. Youāve poked and slapped him almost every day for the past year. Heās only ever looked down at you with raised brows and a smirk, like you were a misbehaving bunny trying to eat his socks.
But this time, his eyes are black, and his brow is knit. Thereās a tension in his jaw that makes your breath hitch, and his nostrils flare. The table whines under his grip. Youāre rooted to your chair, unable to rip your gaze away. He grunts your name, low and rough, and youāre suddenly all too aware of it. The space between your bodies. Your knees arenāt pressed together under the table. His fingers arenāt grazing your arm every few moments, like they have every single day since Butcher tossed you into his den and told you to keep the old man from blowinā something up.
Thereās a heat radiating from his body that makes your head spin. Itās not the radiation or the bomb. His eyes arenāt empty and thereās no glow coming from his chest.
Ben runs warm. Youāre more aware of it than heās ever going to get to know. Benās always made of the kind of heat that pools between your thighs and makes your heart skip, even when youāre shoving his chest and flipping him off.
But this.
This feels like a fever.
Soldier Boy isnāt supposed to be able to get a fucking fever.
You open your mouth to ask whatās wrong again. Ben looks away, and leans back in his chair. His body is angled away from yours. Your feet bump, and he jerks away with a low, almost feral sound. You swallow, a bile rising from the back of your throat. Heās never passed up a chance to touch you. Ā
Through the entire debrief, there wasnāt one word. He grunted in response to questions. Ā Not an insult or crude joke, not a brag or boast about how much theyād needed him, not even an attempt to get into your pants. Heād sat, stiff and silent, then left the moment Butcher waved for everyone to fuck off.
You watch him go, your hands clasped under the table, worrying at the cuffs of your sleeves. Youāre not worried about him. You donāt get worried about him. Heās an old ass with a pretty face, who spends more time trying to make you spread your legs than listening to plans for missions. But thereās an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, and it feels like a ship, rocking back and forth in a storm.
āButcher?ā You call, still watching the door Ben vanished through.
Butcher turns back to the table with a groan, glaring at you in your chair. āFuckinā- I was about to go get Waffle House, love, so if youāll excuse me-ā
āWhat happened?ā
āWhat-ā Butcher cuts himself off, running a hand down his face. āYou mean on that mission Ijust fuckinā debriefed-ā
āNo, I mean with Soldier Boy-ā
āAh, your sweet lil Ben-ā
āNo- I mean- Heās not-ā You shake your head. āButcher, Iām fucking serious, heās being- He was quiet.ā
Butcher shrugs. āSo? Far as I can see, heās learninā how to be a good boy.ā
āBut heās not,ā you say flatly. āHeās not a good boy, and- You fucking know that.ā
āMaybe. But I donāt go āround lookinā for holes in good things, Love-ā
āOh, fuck off, thatās all you do-ā
āWell, Iām a changed man.ā Butcher gives you a lazy grin. āYou got anything else for me? Gonna whine about grandpa actinā too polite?ā
You narrow your eye, holding Butcherās stare. His tone is indifferent. His posture is bored. āYou know Iām right about this,ā you say, cold and quiet. āDonāt try and- And fucking dance around this. Benās acting weird, and-ā
āBen,ā Butcher coos, and you snap your mouth shut. āAināt that sweet-ā
āButcher, I swear to fucking God-ā
āWhat? Youāre gonna tattle on me to your Ben-ā
You shoot to your feet. āI am worried about the safety of our team, you dipshit-ā
āThen go talk to your sweet Benny Boo, and maybe heāll let you tickle his balls for an answer-ā
The door slams open, and you and Butcher both freeze.
Youāve never found Ben as scary as you maybe should. Heās all muscle and talk and bite, but the teeth donāt seem sharp when theyāve only ever been bared for you. He tells you heās a breathing fucking weapon, so you should watch your mouth. You ask him why you should bother, when heās watching it for you. He laughs in that way that only you ever get to hear, and tosses his arm around you on the couch. Not a danger. A mountain of a man, that you know better than to try and topple with nothing more than moral hands. Ā
A mountain that youāre used to bowing down to your height. That usually looks at everyone else like heās measuring the minimum amount of effort he can use to crush their skull, right before offering you a hand to climb. When you take it, his lips twitch. When you tell him you donāt need help, he stares at you like heās still learning how to look.
You know what the team says about you. What they think about the peace youāve found with Ben, and the way it lingers around him whenever youāre near. But thatās really all it is. An understanding. Something close to friendship that youāre not brave enough to name. You think about him in the dark. He tries to fuck you, and you turn him down because you know.
It would be easier to fall for him that it should be. Whatever things are broken inside of you, heās made of a kind of gold that pours into the cracks and makes them shine. But itās foolās gold. It would crack under pressure, leaving you more hollow than before. Heās not the kind of man that would want to build something. You only want to build something. And so he gets nothing, and you remain empty in a way that still lets your heart beat.
And you never fear Ben.
Not until heās looming in the doorway, glaring between you and Butcher with a white-knuckle grip on the door and a glint in his eyes.
Butcher takes a small step back. You canāt move. Ben makes a low, rumbling sound from his chest, and the air suddenly feels hot and wet. No one dares to move.
āBen,ā you breathe, and his gaze snaps to yours. āWha- Are you okay-ā
He vanishes. You feel the floor rumble, as he stomps away, leaving you and Butcher frozen in the room. You turn slowly, glaring at Butcher. He throws you a winning grin, and slips out the door before you can ask if that seemed normal. Your fingers curl on the table.
Somethingās going on, and youāre going to figure out what the fuck it is.
In the days after the meeting, Ben seems to almost get better. He speaks again. He walks around and jokes and smokes on the couch like everything is normal. Butcher acts like nothing happened, but you catch MM and Hughie giving him cautious looks. Annie and Kimiko are hanging around you more, and Ben seems angrier about it than usual.
āI think we need a new dryer,ā you mutter one morning, sighing when Hughie gives you a curious look. āItās eating my underwear.ā
āEating your- What?ā
āMy underwear. Like- How washers eat socks.ā You frown at your cereal, poking it with your spoon. āItās all going missing, I think itās the dryer-ā
āThe fuck is wrong with the dryer,ā Ben grunts, dropping next to you at the table.
āShe thinks itās eating her underwear,ā Hughie mumbles, watching you nervously. āAre you sure youāre not just like- Dropping it in the hall or something?ā
āYes, I- Iāve even gone back and checked, itās all just- Itās getting eaten, I swear-ā
āWell- Um-ā Hughie glances at Ben. āHas your underwear been eaten?ā
āFuck no,ā Ben grunts, and you sigh.
āHe doesnāt believe in the dryer.ā
Hughie blinks. āWhat- What do you mean, doesnāt believe in it?ā
āToo many fucking buttons,ā Ben grumbles. āNever trust a fucking robot to do what you can do with your goddamn hands. I wash my shit in the sink.ā
āMhm,ā you smile at your coffee. āAnd then I wash it with the machine.ā
Ben glares at you. You smile in return, and his mouth twitches. You expect a smart little comment about whatever gets you touching his boxers. Instead his eyes dart to your cereal, then your mouth.
āWhat-ā
āYouāre not eating.ā
You blink. āI- I was talking to Hughie-ā
āWhy.ā
āBecause- My underwear- And-ā You swallow. The room is getting hot again. Benās glare is almost like a laser, driving into your body. āBen, Iām going to eat-ā
He grunts, and pushes the food closer to your body. He doesnāt look satisfied until youāve cleared the bowl. You glance at Hughie, who seems just as lost as you do.
āUm- The dryer-ā
āIāll look at it,ā Ben stands up, his own coffee and bacon completely ignored. You and Hughie exchange another look.
āBen,ā you say gently. āYou- You canāt even turn it on-ā
āItās just fucking buttons, Iāll figure it out-ā
āBut- Ben-ā
Heās already walking away. You chase after him, and barely manage to stop him from ripping up the whole laundry room. Youāre not sure if this is part of it. Youāre not really sure of anything right now, except odd looks behind your back, and your increasingly declining supply of underwear.
You keep an eye on him, closer than you have to. You donāt want him exploding, or going feral, or getting sick. If he gets sick, youāre the one whoās going to have to deal with it.
If he gets sick, youāre going to have to watch him get pale and small, and the thought makes your gut turn into a tight, strangling fist that reaches your throat. You spend the night curled up, staring at the ceiling. You walk to Benās room and linger outside the door, then shake yourself and go back to your room. Youāre not some foolish, doting nurse. Youāre his friend, and heās a grown man who can take care of himself.
āAre you feeling okay?ā You ask him in the morning, because you canāt help it.
Ben laughs, rich and deep. āFeel like a million fucking dollars, doll.ā
āHm,ā peer at him on the couch. Heās relaxed. The color on his face is back to normal, and his thigh is pressed against yours easily. Ben catches your gaze, and smirks.
āYou got something you wanna say to me?ā
āNo,ā you say quickly, and Ben laughs.
āYou gonna take my fucking temperature? Ask about my sleep and my fucking smoking habits?ā
Your nose twitches. āNo, Iām just- You had a fever yesterday-ā
Ben cuts you off with a grunt. āI donāt get fucking fevers.ā
āYou were sweating, Benjamin-ā
āRoom was hot,ā he grumbles. āDonāt lose your damn head about it.ā
You scowl, moving up to your knees. āIām not- You were acting weird,ā you hiss. āYou werenāt talking, and you- You didnāt touch me once-ā
You cut yourself off, face flooding with heat, and Benās smile becomes wolfish.
āOh,ā he drawls, turning in his seat. āYou missed me touchinā you?ā
āI- Thatās not what I said-ā
āIsnāt it?ā He leans forward, fingers brushing near the top of your thigh. āYou want my touch, sweetheart, all you have to do is say please.ā
You narrow your eyes, tipping your chin up like it can defend you. āFuck you.ā
āDonāt you want to,ā he teases, and your jaw drops.
āI- Youāre fucking- I hate you.ā
He laughs. His fingers trace the hem of your shorts. āNo, you donāt.ā
āYes, I do.ā
āYouāre a shit fuckinā liar-ā
āYouāre a shit fucking liar.ā You spit, hoping he buys the false venom in your voice. āYou were sick, Benjamin.ā
Ben shrugs. āAnd youāre givinā me the sex look.ā
Goddamn him. Every, massive, cocky inch of him, and how you canāt seem to figure out how to stop him from affecting you. āI- I am not- Thereās no- No-ā You look around the room, leaning forward to hiss low enough no one will hear. āThereās no fucking sex look.ā
Ben hums, looking you up and down with that dragging gaze. The one that makes your body hum in excitement, that feels like more pressure than any other manās hands.
āStop doing that,ā you snap, and he laughs.
āYouāre real mouthy this morning, arenāt you.ā
You scowl, sinking back into the cushions. āIām hungry.ā
Ben goes rigid. His hand fists on his knee, and his eyes lock on yours with that gleam again. You blink, leaning slightly back. Benās mouth presses in a thin line, and a low grumble rolls from his chest.
āWha- What-ā
He stands up, and marches away. You donāt move, too confused to remember how. Things hadnāt been back to normal, but theyād been a stilted version of it. Then heās gone again, leaving you with too many fucking questions and an empty couch.
Youāre seconds away from following him, when he stomps back into the room with a scowl.
āBen, whatās- Shit-ā
He tosses an apple straight into your lap. You fumble with it for a second, trying to figure out if a secret code or something, then look up at him with an openly confused expression.
āI- Um-ā
āEat that,ā he grunts.
You blink. āWhat?ā
āYou said youāre fucking hungry, didnāt you?ā He snaps, jerking his head to the apple. āEat.ā
You stare at each other for a long moment. The apple feels heavier than diamond in your hand, but Benās gaze is a burning, impossible pressure. It presses down against your core and makes your thighs ache. His eyes have gone almost wholly black. Heās back to that predatory stillness. You look at the apple, then him, and slowly raise it to your mouth.
Ben watches you take a large bite, and hums in satisfaction. You chew, and his eyes gleam. A little juice dribbles down your chin, and your tongue swipes out to catch it on instinct.
He moves back. You sit up, the apple tight in your fist, and Ben stumbles backwards like youād punched him.
āBen, what the fuck-ā
He marches away again. Youāre alone again, this time with an apple instead of Butcher.
At least the apple is less judgmental, while still offering the exact same amount of answers. You stare at it for twenty minutes, before you move. Ben doesnāt come out of his room for hours, and when he does, he wonāt even look at you.
And that heat. The air-waving, mouth-watering heat is back, rolling off of him like an approaching storm. No one else seems to notice it. Youād think you were going insane, if you didnāt still have that apple, tight in your fist.
āYou didnāt finish it,ā Ben grunts from behind you, and you yelp in surprise.
āJesus fucking- Ben-ā
You whirl around, and cut yourself off. Heās right behind you. His legs are pressed to yours, his arms braced at his side, the weight of him almost locking you against the counter. Your hold on the apple goes slack, and it thuds to the floor. Benās glare deepens. His brow is beaded with sweat again.
āHi,ā you breathe, and he grunts.
āYou were supposed to eat the fucking apple.ā
āI- I had eggs,ā you say, and Benās jaw locks.
He takes a long breath through his nose, leaning further down. This is the kind of thing that should make you want to run. It doesnāt.
āWho the fuck made you eggs,ā Ben growls, and you blink.
āMe? I- I mean- I made me eggs- And- Um-ā You scan over his red face, his black eyes, and God, all that heat is so intoxicating you might be getting dizzy. āBe- Ben?ā
He grunts your name. His arms brace on either side of your body. You might be about to melt.
āCan I please check your temperature?ā You whisper. āIām getting really worried. About-ā You take a deep breath, closing your eyes and forcing the words out. āAbout you.ā
Ben doesnāt answer. You donāt dare to look. Thereās something hard and thick, poking into your upper thigh. You grab Benās forearm for balance, and a low, dangerous sound rumbles from his chest.
Then, suddenly, the weight of him is gone. And when you open youāre eyes, itās almost like he was never there at all.
Hughie coughs from the dining table, and you blink at him. You hadnāt even realized he was there.
āWhat- What the hell was that?ā
You shake your head, staring blankly ahead at the wall. āI- I donāt-ā You cut yourself off, then look back to Hughie. āYou were on the mission.ā
Hughie swallows. āI- Um-ā
āHughie-ā
āWhat mission?ā He says, moving to his feet. āI mean- We go on so many, itās easy to lose track-ā
You block his path out of the kitchen, and he swallows.
āPlease donāt-ā
āSit,ā you point back to his chair, and he obeys.
āI- I really- I think Annieās calling me-ā
āTalk,ā you hiss, and Hughie swallows. āNow.ā
Ben got hit with a chemical. Hughie doesnāt know whatānone of them doābut youāve got a theory.
Itās a fragile thing. The way heās acting, how you could possibly deal with it. You walk into the kitchen in the morning and find that heās made you eggs. The plate gets shoved towards you with a grunt. Ben doesnāt stop staring until youāve eaten every last bite, and then he stomps away without another word. You do your laundry and catch him staring at your clothing with twitching hands. You shower that night and open the door to find him standing in the hall, his whole body tense and his mouth hanging open.
āBen,ā you say gently, and he takes another one of those stumbling steps back.
You sigh, as he vanishes down the hallway. He hasnāt had a normal conversation with you in three days. The last time you bothered to try, heād pinned you down on the couch and stared until you whispered his name, and he ran again.
He spends most days locked in his room. He comes out to make sure youāve eaten or follow you to the grocery store, pressing behind you in the milk aisle and glaring at anyone who comes too close.
āDo you want anything?ā You ask him softly before you go to checkout, and he just stares at you. Some days heās not even talking anymore. Last night Annie tried to walk past you both on the couch, and he snarled like a dog.
He leans down until his nose is pressed to your hairline. His lips drag over your brow, and you stare up at him, trying not to let your heart burst out of your chest. He inhales deeply, and a low rumble rolls through his chest. His hand finds your waist, massaging and kneading at the skin.
Your gaze drops down, and there it is again. The outline of his cock, tenting in his jeans. You bite the inside of your mouth. Your knees wobble, and your hand flies to Benās shoulder. Heās burning up, skin searing even through his shirt.
He yanks back again, eyes black and chest heaving. You sigh, and turn back to the grocery cart. Youāre too used to it now. It makes you worry more.
You try to get a straight answer out of Butcher that night. Itās somehow more useless than last time.
āI know Hughie blabbed, aināt no reason in tryinā to talk to me-ā
āYou know whatās wrong with him,ā you hiss, and Butcher shrugs.
āMaybe. Gonna make any fuckinā difference to what youāre doinā?ā
āYes, thatās why Iām fucking asking-ā
āOh, like you aināt figured it out yourself.ā
You glare at him. He smirks back, challenge lining every inch of his expression.
āYou gonna go put your money where your mouth is, doll?ā Butcher mocks. āOr just keep whininā around about it?ā
And you donāt have an answer. Because heās right. You figured it out when Ben snarled at MM for offering you a cup of coffee, a boner pressing through his sweats that everyone pretended to ignore. It would take a true idiot, to not be able to figure it out.
āWhen did you know,ā you mumble, leaning back against the counter. Butcher shrugs, watching you carefully.
āMoment it hit the fucker.ā
āWhere you there-ā
āI was the only cunt in the room.ā Butcher shudders. āHe started moaninā and gettinā hard, it was the most disgustinā thing Iād ever seen.ā
You sigh, giving him an unimpressed look, and Butcher smirks.
āHe was cryinā for you, love. Almost had to put him back under to stop him just sprintinā back to the house to take you. Like a fuckinā dog.ā
You blink. Your heart does a little flip that you refuse to acknowledge. āHe hasnāt touched me-ā
āDonāt know why,ā Butcher mutters. āI thought I was gonna follow him inside and find him- Well, you know.ā He winks, and you narrow your eyes.
āBut he hasnāt. Which-ā You swallow, looking up to the ceiling and biting your tongue.
Itās fine. Itās fine if itās not you he wants to do this with. Probably for the better. It helps you cling to that last shred of dignity. The sliver of an illusion, that you donāt think about him more than you think about yourself,.
āDo we think this- Can it hurt him?ā Your voice is smaller than you want it to be. Butcher just shrugs.
āAināt gonna kill him. Probably hurts.ā His lip curls. āPermanent fuckinā blue balls. Hell donāt go deep enough.ā
You sigh. āWell, what if we hire him like- a hooker-ā
āTried that,ā Butcher dismisses. āAlmost got punched through a damn wall.ā
Your mouth opens, then closes. āWhat? Thatās- Ben wouldnāt turn down a hooker-ā
āHe did,ā Butcher gives you a pointed look. āAnd it aināt a hooker heās makinā eggs for, genius.ā
You blink at him. āNo, thatās- That isnāt part of it-ā
āYou willinā to bet his life on that?ā
And you arenāt. Youāre not willing to bet anything. Because it hasnāt just been boners and staring. Benās been feeding you, following you like all illusion of not being your personal guard doesnāt matter anymore, refusing to let you do anything that might get you hurt.
āBut- If itās just a sex chemical,ā you say slowly, and he cuts you off with a raised hand.
āI aināt holdinā your hand through this,ā he says. āYou talk to him yourself, and-ā He looks you up and down, a smirk pulling at his lips. āBring protection. We donāt need soldier tots runninā around the house now, do we.ā
āButcher-ā
āNot just a sex chemical,ā he shrugs. āAnd you know it.ā
You do. You wish you didnāt but you do.
A sex chemical would be easier. You could climb into bed with Ben, get railed into oblivion, then collect your heart off the floor and move on. But this is more. This is possessive and targeted and that means something. Something you donāt want to know. Something you have to know.
Butcher leaves you in the kitchen to collect yourself. You close your eyes, and try to control your breath, but itās useless against your pounding heart. He turned down hookers. He moaned your name.
If this means nothing, youāre going to fucking kill him.
If it means something, youāre ready to deal with it. You donāt think you really have any other choice.
āBen?ā You knock on the door once, forcing your voice to steady. āBen, can you please- We need to talk.ā
He doesnāt answer. You werenāt expecting him to. The knock was more of a polite courtesy, then a question. You steel yourself, holding the doorknob with shaking fingers, and push into his room.
You barely make it a step inside, before all the will is knocked out of your body. Itās as if you walked into a wet dream. One of the private, dirtiest ones that make you wake up with the sheets bunched between your legs, that make reality feel like a slap to the face.
The room reeks of sex. Salty and heady, sweat and something rich that just smells like Ben. The sheets have been ripped and tangled on the floor, the pillows tossed off the unimportant corners of the room with piles of boxer and shirt and panties.
Your panties.
Ben sits, silent and dark-eyed on the bed, completely naked. One hand is fisting on of your panties, the other is wrapped tight around his thick, red cock. Itās veiny and so big it makes you sore just to look at. It throbs in his grip, and your cunt pulses in return. White pre-cum leaking from under his thumb, and his balls sit heavy between his thighs.
Your tongue darts out over your lips, and you force your gaze to drag up. Benās staring at you with a vein in his brow and that same burning intensity. The heat lingers in the air, humid and electric. Sweat falls from his neck, over his broad, flushed chest. His thighs are locked, his lips parted and eyes narrowed.Ā
You glance back to the panties in his hand and swallow. You suppose, at the very least, you were right.
āI lost those,ā you breathe, and Ben grunts.
āIāll give āem back later.ā
You blink, then glance at the pile in the corner of the room. Ben doesnāt look away from you for a second, and a low chuckle rumbles from his chest. It sends a thrill up your spine, and you have to lean back against the door to stay upright.
āYou here just to collect your panties, doll?ā
You shake your head, looking back to him hopelessly. Youād had a whole speech, about how he needed you to fix this, how you knew it must hurt, how if he asks nicely, youāll let him take what he wants. Itās misting into thin air, with every thin, fraying thread that had been holding your dignity. Ben doesnāt make it easy. His gaze rakes over your body, a strange, blurred line between worship and hunger etched over his handsome features.
You donāt know how youāre supposed to pretend like this. With all of him at your fingertips, only a few steps away. Youād prepared yourself to be a toy, but youāre a lamb to slaughter. An offering to a god who wonāt take anything else, who holds your sanity like a delicate bird in his rough hands. He could destroy you, and youāre going to thank him. He could recreate you, and youād never know a better blessing.
Ben leans back, something iron lining his words. āYou should go.ā
You shake your head, and his jaw ticks.
āGo.ā
Thereās a low, deep command in the word. You almost obey.
āThose are mine,ā you breathe, nodding to the panties, and Ben sighs.
āFuckinā Christ- Go-ā
āWhy are they mine?ā
The question is soft. You know he hears it, because he goes quiet again. You stare at each other for another long moment, and you take the smallest step forward. A low groan pulls from Benās throat. Your knees almost buckle.
āDonāt,ā he gives you a look like itās a command, but thereās something thinner under the word. Something soft.
āI- I know about the chemical,ā you whisper, and Benās throat bobs. āYou couldāve asked-ā
āAsk what? For you to suck my cock? Like some limp-dick pussy who canāt handle his booze?ā
Your lips twitch. āYour dick isnāt limp.ā
Ben gapes at you. His cock jumps in his hand, and you take another step.
āYouāre- Fucking unbelievable,ā he grunts, and you laugh. āThis shit aināt funny, doll-ā
āItās a little funny,ā you murmur, stopping right above him.
No part of you is touching. Every inch feels gravitational. He has to be the one to crash first.
āYou turned down hookers for me,ā you whisper, and Ben scowls.
āIt doesnāt want hookers.ā
You glance at his cock, then his tight face. āWhat does it want?ā
He glares. You donāt back down. You never have before, and youāre not about to start now.
āDonāt be a fuckinā tease-ā
āDonāt be a dick,ā you lean down. Benās legs part to make room for you. Itās an effort, not to just touch him. āWhat does it want, Ben.ā
What do you want.
He hears the invisible question. His jaw works, and his eyes drop to your lips.
āIāll fuckinā break you,ā he rasps, and you smile.
āNo,ā you say. āYou like me too much.ā
Benās gaze rips back up. You raise your brows, daring him to do it. To say it. To put you both out of your misery.
A low growl rips through his chest. āGo. Now.ā
You donāt move, and watch as the last line of Benās control snaps.
He grabs you by the waist and drags you fully into his lap. You gasp as his lips smash against yours, the kiss rough and demanding. Thereās so part of you that isnāt consumed by it, that doesnāt mold into his touch. Your legs spread so you can straddle his lap, and Ben grabs your ass with a grunt, forcing you up so his cock is pressed against your clothed cunt. You moan against his lips, and he presses his tongue into your mouth.
āBe- Ben-ā Your nails scrape at his shoulders, and he squeezes your ass with a grunt. āFuck- Ben-ā
āAlready whining,ā he mutters, dragging his free hand up to rest on the back of your neck. āBarely fuckinā touched you are youāre already sayinā my name like I fucked you.ā
Your face burns, and Ben weaves his hand through your hair, gathering it in on fist and pushing it down to deepen the kiss. You almost donāt know what to do with yourself. His touch is hot and possessive, sending shivers through your whole body. His cock rubs against your underwear with every shift, and the pressure makes your legs spread wider. You start to grind down to chase the friction, and Ben moans, deep and low.
āThatās it,ā he grunts, massaging your ass with shockingly gentle hands. āThatās a good girl. Show me what youāve got, doll, prove that youāre gonna take this cock for me.ā
You try to drag him closer, but heās immovable. When you push, his hand moves from your ass to your lower back, pushing down so you can feel every inch of his dick, rubbing between your thighs. You make a strangled noise, and Ben chuckles. Itās an even rougher sound than before. His mouth has started to wander over your cheeks and jaw, pressing open, sloppy, kisses everywhere he can reach.
Itās almost like youāre being seduced into the same, sex-focused daze thatās taken a hold of him. The kisses light undying fires over your skin, spreading and spreading until you think youāll die if he moves away. Benās started to lose focus himself, pawing at your ass like an animal and growling against your skin.
āBennn,ā you moan as his fingers graze on your inner thigh, turning your face to bury in his neck. āMmmm- Ben- M- More-ā
He growls again, and his hips slam up. It knocks the air from your lungs, and heās not even inside you. Your arms wrap around his neck, trying to hold on as he starts to rut against your core, broken, desperate sounds falling from his lips.
You manage to lean back to look at him, and heās thoroughly wrecked. He grabs your jaw, still rutting, and you try to smile. His nostrils flare and he kisses you again, the fervor only seeming to build as he chases his own orgasm. You hum against his lips, trying to make yourself pliant and soft, easy for him to use.
āSmell good,ā he rasps against your skin, beard tickling against your neck. āAlways smell so- So fuckinā good-ā
He cuts himself off with another groan, his cock twitching between your thighs. He shoves you further down, rocking his hips back and forth as he keeps trying to get there against your body.
āGonna wreck you,ā he mutters, mouthing at a pulse point. āFuck you ātill you canāt walk, fuck you stupid, fuck you mine.ā
You moan happily, dragging your hands down his bare, thick back. The muscles ripple under your touch, and Ben moans like that touch is almost enough to set him off. You kiss over his cheekbone and beard, along his jaw, and slowly guide his mouth back to yours. He lets you lead this kiss, mindlessly focused on trying to fuck himself against your body. Heās panting so hard youād be worried about anyone else.Ā
He groans against your lips, clawing at your clothing with blunt nails. āOff- Get- Fuck- Get this shit off-ā
He whines like a dog when you push on his chest, and you expect him not to let you up, but his grip loosens. You smile down at him, moving back to your feet, and he stares at you with a slack jaw.
āGet back here,ā he growls, one hand still splayed on the back of your thigh. āNow.ā
āIām helping you,ā you tease, slowly pulling down your shorts. āSay please.ā
Benās eyes flash, and his jaw locks. You know he wonāt beg. You donāt really want him to. Thisāthe undivided, adoring attention, the way heās staring at you like youāre the only thing he could ever possibly want in the world, when heās spent a century of life indulging in sweet things and easier desiresāis more than enough.
You sink to your knees, and he lets you. That hand on your thigh drags up to fist back in your hair, and he goes back to that predatory stillness as you rub his thighs with light hands.
āI aināt begginā,ā he grunts, and you hum, letting your fingers brush against the base of his cock.
Benās hips jerk up, a moan ripping from his chest. You giggle, guiding his hand away, and he glares at you under hooded eyes.
āSomething fuckinā funny?ā
āMmm,ā you shrug, wrapping your hand around his cock, and god, heās even bigger than he looks. āIām just⦠Learning.ā
āLearning,ā Ben echoes, the awe pushed through gritted teeth. āJesus fuckinā- Christ-ā
You lick a long, slow stripe up the length of Benās cock, and he tosses his head back like heās praying.
āHoly- Fuckinā hell-ā He tugs at your hair without actually trying to move it, biceps bulging as he tries not to overtake your mouth. āYouāre- warm-ā
You giggle again, pumping your fist as you kiss the tip. Ben makes a low, sinful sound, his free hand fisting at the sheets. Youāve never seen him in such control of himself. A living god that could skullfuck you until you sobbed, trying to let you lead your way. You think itās something in the way heās holding you like youāre made of lace instead of silicone. It makes an unbearable ache return to your core.
You take Ben in your mouth until he bumps against the back of your throat, and he groans your name so loud it must echo through the city. You work what you canāt fit in your mouth, sucking on his cock like itās candy.
āFuckinā- You can suck some fuckinā cock, doll-ā He chokes out, hips bucking when you squeeze him near the base. āBest mouth Iāve ever felt- Son of a-ā
His words turn to moans, and you look up at him under your lashes. Heās leaning back with a glazed eyes and veins pushing at his neck. His shoulders are tense, his abdomen flexing, and you canāt control your own hips as they start to chase relief against the air. Ben catches the movement, watching it as if heās under a spell. His cock is heavy and pulsing in his mouth, and it just makes your cunt ache more, imagining the weight of him buried inside of you.
āJesus, youāre a needy thing,ā he mutters, his thumb dragging over the soft skin behind your ear. āYou fuckinā like this? Like choking on some proper dick?ā
You whine, eyes rolling back as he presses back against your throat. You press your shoulder forward, forcing your tits further up for him to see. Ben jaw clenches, and you feel him try to not move. His pre-cum is getting thicker, and who knows how long heād been going before you.
āBen,ā you pull off for a split second, dropping your hand to massage his balls as you kiss over the head of his dick. āPlease.ā
You drop back down, and he understands in a second. He uses you like a toy, pulling your head up before slamming it back down. You make your jaw slack, moaning around him with every single thrust. Your eyes roll back in your head, and the need builds and builds between your thighs.
You drag youāre hips forward shamelessly, grabbing Benās leg and angling your clit to rub against whatever it can reach. Ben groans at the sight, and the sound just floods between your legs.
āShit, I can feel how fuckinā wet you are,ā he growls, and you whimper, watching him under glossy lashes. āShit- Lookinā at me like that, gonna make me-ā
You moan eagerly, and Benās control snaps again.
Itās fun to see the edges of it. How the pit of his restraint is far deeper than you wouldāve imagined a week ago. He tries to drag you off his cock as he cums, but you push yourself back down. It comes in thick, sticky ropes, shooting down your throat until youāre gagging and almost unable to breathe. You try to swallow, but thereās so much it falls out of your mouth like drool, dripping down your cheeks and onto your breasts.
āJesus, thought you were gonna drown in it,ā Ben pulls your dazed head off, grinning down at you. āLook at you, baby. Little fuckinā trooper.ā
You blink at him, still trying to lick the remains off your lips. You glance down to his cock, and itās still hard. How the fuck is it still hard.
āHasnāt been goinā down since that shit hit me,ā Ben mutters, dragging his thumb over your lower lip. āNeeds itās pussy.ā
āItās pussy?ā You breathe out, and Ben sighs.
āYour pussy,ā he mutters. āNeeds you, smartass.ā
āIt needs me?ā
You give him your best innocent look. He glares at you, and you just tilt your head, smiling like youāre made of honey. You sort of feel like you are. Youāve never been this gooey, just from sucking a guy off. Youāve never even liked sucking someone off.
But this is Ben. Rough everywhere, but made of tiny divets that go soft when pressed. The kind of man you can crawl into and never have a harsh hand find your body again.
He swallows, his thumb lingering on your lips. You kiss the pad of it, then the knuckle, before slowly wrapping your lips around him and sucking. Benās cock twitches, somehow getting harder. You donāt think youāre ever going to walk again.
Worth it.
āI need you,ā he rasps, pulling his thumb away. āFeet. Now.ā
He taps your nose, and you scramble up. Youāll fight him tooth and dirt when heās fighting back. When heās not, you canāt think of a single reason to deny him a thing.
Ben grabs the back of your thigh again, watching you with an expectant glint in his eyes. You swallow and pull your shorts down, trying not to fall over when he stares at your core like youāre showing him a treasure. His fingers dig into soft skin, and his free hand wraps around his cock, pumping slowly as you continue to strip in front of him.
You peel off your shirt, and Benās tongue darts over his lips. His grip on your thigh tightens, and he slowly coaxes you forward. You rest your hands on his shoulders, shoving down the bubbling, electric nerves in your chest.
āBen,ā you whisper, and he hums, dragging a massive, rough hand up your side. āE- Easy-ā
āOh, doll,ā he coos, pressing a soft kiss to the side of your breast. āThis is easy.ā
Your legs wobble, your confidence quickly waning. The doubts start to pool like rainwater in a gutter, as Ben takes in your naked body. Maybe you werenāt the dream doll he had in his head. Maybe you pushed it too far with the teasing. Maybe he doesnāt really want you in the same, volcanic kind of way you want him.
He drags two fingers along your inner thigh, teasing the sensitive skin as he mouths at your breast. You close your eyes, trying to just breathe, and Ben chuckles.
āAnd you wanted me to say please,ā he drawls. āLook at you, all fuckinā sweet for me. You gonna beg for me again, baby? Or that mouth only good for sucking my cock?ā
You whimper, a gush of heat flooding between your thighs.
āYeah, you like me talking,ā Ben mutters, kissing over your sensitive nipple. āLike knowing youāve got the only fuckinā pussy in the world that makes me act like an idiot. Pretty girl, pretty fuckinā tits,ā heĀ sucks a dark spot on your breast, his thumb slowly dragging between the lips of your cunt. āPretty fuckinā pussy, wet like a whore in the summer for me.ā
Ben thumbs at your slit, wrapping his lips around your nipple and sucking hard. His thumb drags up in the exact same moment, finding your clit and rubbing tight, unrelenting circles. You vision blurs and you stumble forwards, wrapping your arms tight around his head.
āBe- Fuck- Bennnn-ā
He hums around your nipple, grazing his teeth over the perked bud. His mouth is warm and wet, his tongue flicking back and forth until youāre in a sex-addled frenzy. You press your face into his hair, gasping his name as he drags his thumb back and forth across your clit.
He wraps a massive arm around your body, fingers splaying over your back and cradling you close to his body.
āFeel that fuckinā mess,ā he drawls, kissing over your breasts. āNo one else gets you this wet, do they?ā
You shake your head, and Ben leans back withĀ narrowed eyes. He slaps your pussy with a harsh little tap, and a broken cry escapes your lips.
āDo they,ā he growls, and you shake your head.
āNo- No-ā You try to lean down, desperate to just kiss him, to get as close as heāll allow. āJust you, Ben, just you-ā
He smirks, slaps your cunt again, and goes back to making out with your nipples. You moan, slumping over his body as the tension becomes almost painful. You donāt know what heās getting out of this until you feel his hips rocking beneath you. His cock rubs against his stomach and your thigh, already smeared with pre-cum again. You gasp and Ben moans around your nipple, the sensation vibrating through your whole body.Ā
āOh- Oh my god-ā You squirm, the pressure getting unbearable. āI- Iām- Oh my god-ā
Youāre babbling, but youāre not sure what else there is to do. You cunt his clenching around nothing, the thick scent of Ben clouding your head as he works you like a toy. Ben nips at your nipple and pushes his thumb down hard. Your knees buckle, almost making you fall back to your knees on the carpet.
Benās arm around your back tightens, and he rolls you both over, tossing you back onto the mattress without even a grunt. You almost cry out at the sudden cold, the lack of Ben all around you. It only lasts a second before he grabs your ankle and drags you forward.
Youāre lain on the bed, staring at Ben with an open expression. His jaw clenches and he rubs your thighs, slowly pushing your knees up to your chest. Your cunt is on full, open display to him, and your breath catches as he drags his thumb between the swollen lips of your pussy.
āLook at that,ā he almost purrs. āMine.ā
You whimper when he flicks your clit again, but it quickly falls into a moan as he leans down and presses an open mouth kiss to your pussy. Your eyes roll back in your head, your hips arching to meet his chapped, full lips. Ben groans against your cunt, his grip on your legs tightening.
Youāve had men eat you out before. Youāve had them be good at it, and horrible.
Ben does it like itās a job, and heās never hated work a day in his life. You were already on such a thin wire that the first press of his tongue against your clit makes you snap, a cry falling from your lips and your hands flying wildly to catch a hold of something. Ben grabs them and pins them against your stomach, forcing you down into the mattress as his mouth keeps working against your cunt.
Heās open with it, moaning and sucking and pushing his tongue into your fluttering cunt as he rocks his face back and forth, dragging your orgasm out until youāre almost floating. The heat hasnāt stopped building. Every time you think youāre going to come down, Ben kisses your clit, and darts his tongue back and forth like heās trying to get a high score of most orgasms in an hour.
Maybe two hours. You can hear the bed creaking in a steady rhythm, as Benās fucks down into the mattress, but then he drags another orgasm out of you, and the only thing in the world is Benās mouth against your cunt. The sounds he makes, the way heās watching you under hooded, smug eyes, the way his massive back forces your legs further apart whenever you try to close them and exposes you to him further.
You writhe when your third orgasm hits, shoving at his head with weak hands.
Ben draws back, pinning your legs down to the bed and fixing you with a stern glare.
āStay still,ā he grunts, and you swallow.
āToo- Too much-ā
āYou want cock?ā He snaps, and you nod frantically. āOnly good girls get cock, baby. You beinā a good girl when you whine?ā
Your lip wobbles. Your face burns. Ben raises his brows, daring you to be a brat, and any other day you would. Youād stick your tongue out and mock him, youād test his buttons, youād see just what you could say, to get bent over his lap or tossed around the bed.
But there are tears streaming down your cheeks, and youāve never been so totally aware of how empty you are. You really think the chemicals might be contagious. You really donāt fucking care.
āNo,ā you whisper, shame burning at your cheek and between your thighs. āIām not.ā
Ben hums, spits on your clit, and starts to rub it with a fast thumb. āYou gonna be a good girl?ā
You nod, and Ben smirks.
āYeah. I know.ā
He dives back down, and stars burst behind your eyes as another orgasm overtakes your body. Youāre trembling and gasping for air, pulling at his hair and only earning another moan that makes your back arch. Ben laps at you through the orgasm, hips still slamming against the bed.
Then, one second, his beard his grazing over your inner thigh and his lips are pressed against the over sensitive, pulsing bundle of nerves. The next youāre face down with a thick arm around your stomach, dragging you back against Benās chest like a ragdoll.Ā
āNeed to get in that pussy,ā he growls, dragging his cock between the lips of your cunt. āGive you this cock real good, show you who the fuck you belong to, right now.ā
Ben bites and sucks on your neck, the head of his dick bumping against your clit, but he still doesnāt push inside. Your nails dig into your forearm, the wet sound of him sliding against you filling the room, and you almost donāt know what the fuck heās waiting for.
āPlease,ā you breathe out, dropping your head against his shoulder and giving him your best, sweetest eyes. āPlease, Ben- Fuck me.ā
Another one of those feral sounds rips from Benās chest, and his hand drags down to press two thick fingers against your clit as he slowly pushes himself inside. The breath is knocked from your lungs at the first inch, a broken sound escaping your lips.
Benās free arm wraps around your neck, the bulging bicep forcing your head back further so he can kiss over your open, drooling mouth.
āThatās it,ā he coos, rubbing your clit back and forth as he presses deep into your cunt. āThatās a good little slut, takinā just what I give you, come on-ā
You whimper, and Ben deepens the kiss, pressing his tongue down your throat as he pushes another inch. You clench down around him and he groans, kissing you brutally as he bullies the last few inches inside of you.
Heās so big it makes sparks dance on the edge of your vision. Youāve never been this full, every single nerve in your body all too aware of the delicious split of Benās cock. Between the head lock and his mouth against yours, the tears canāt stop streaming down your face. Ben growls your name, kissing a stray one near your lips, his tone a warning you can barely hear.
You canāt. Youāre overstimulated and so needy you canāt think, canāt move, canāt do anything but feel the smeared arousal between your thighs, the drag of Benās cock against your g-spot, the muscle and heat of his body wrapped all around you.
You clench down again, and the very last bit of Benās resolve snaps.
He cums inside of you suddenly, moaning down your throat as he ruts up in short, rough thrusts. The cum spills into your until youāre warm and stuffed, then runs down your ass and over your thighs. Itās so wet you think heād slip right out of you, if it wasnāt for the headlock. Youāre so full you donāt even remember how to breathe, until Ben squeezes just under your breast and groans your name.
āDonāt go out on me, doll, cāmon-ā He groans and kisses you again, his hand dropping back down to spread against your tummy. āFuck- You feel so fuckinā good- Better than coke, baby, Christ-ā
You make another broken sound, your voice hoarse and small from the arm around your throat.
Then Ben starts to fuck you, and you think you might ascend.
He rolls his hips in long, deep thrusts, dragging in and out of your cunt like a machine. The sound of your cum mixingāsliding between your bodies with every single shiftāis obscene. Youāre being used like the most tended to, adored fuckdoll in the world. Ben cradles you like he thinks youāll break, and fucking you like heās trying to take you apart.
You feel him everywhere, with every single slam of his cock against your g-spot. Your vision swims, the tears falling freely, and Ben kisses every single one away with another, brutal thrust.
āFuckinā crying for me, babydoll?ā He nips at your lower lip, and you whine a sound like his name. āPretty girl canāt fuckinā take it after begging? So sensitive you need to fuckinā whine?ā
You turn your cheek, giving him your best, pleading doe eyes. You canāt tell if his gaze sharpens or focuses. His thrusts become deeper, and his thumb finds your swollen, pulsing clit again. You sob, and he kisses the sound away with a hum.
āBeinā such a good fuckinā slut,ā he mutters, pinching your clit and rolling it between his fingers. āTakinā this cock like a pro, baby, like you were fucking made for me.
You babble his name again, and Ben smirks. This kiss is slower. Almost loving, and in a stark contrast with how heās drilling into your gaping cunt.
The orgasm washes over you like a wave, and Ben moans your name as you squeeze down around him. Your vision goes white and you thrash, your body being wracked with so much pleasure you can only scream. Benās cock slams home against your g-spot, and rush of something wet and hot flood out of your pussy, and you think you might pass out.
At the least, youāre floating out of your body. Ben cums with rough, spat out praise, then slowly lowers you back down to the mattress. Weight shifts around. He rubs your back as you gasp for air, then slowly rolls you over and pushes your legs back open.
āLook at you,ā he murmurs, the words far away, but his voice softer than youāve ever heard it. āDidnāt know you could get this fuckinā dumb and quiet. Shouldāve been fucking you every day.ā
He laughs to himself, and your hand flies up, unsure what itās looking for.
Ben catches it, twines your fingers together, kisses your knuckles, and presses it back into the mattress.
āNeed more, doll,ā he rasps, and you whimper. āIāll go easy. Not tryinā to break my-ā
He cuts himself off. You donāt have the words to push him. You donāt have the energy to do anything. Ben kisses your stomach, then lower, then lower. You gasp softly, when you feel his tongue lapping at your pussy. Itās gentler than before. Slower, almost careful. He works you open, mixing your releases together and tasting it almost for the sake of tasting it.
Your eyes cross, as the soft, tickling sensations. Theyāre strangely relaxing, even if they make your pussy flutter hopelessly.
āEasy,ā Ben murmurs, kissing over your clit. āNice and fuckinā easy.ā
It is. You go limp again, letting yourself get lost in the feeling of his tongue. Heās not trying to make you cum, or get you ready. God knows you could probably take a fist in there right now, with how heās left you soaked and open. You can hear his fist working against his cock again, and find the energy to look up again.
Heās almost art, above you. Hair mussed and tangles, dominating your vision, whole face wet and eyes blown out. You squeeze his hand in yours and smile. He blinks, and his jaw sets as he understands.Ā
This time, he doesnāt ask if youāre sure. He must understand by now, that you might be more depraved than even he can dream up. Youād sit on his cock for the rest of your life, if he let you. And there are worse ways to be worshipped, than with everything a manāa broken, titan of a man whoās made of more than he can understandāhas to give.
You let yourself lose track of it all. Ben moves you into positions you didnāt know you could make, hauling you back into his lap, flipping you over and dragging your ass in the air, sitting you on top of him and guiding your hips back and forth until youāre mewling his name and shaking around his cock. The whole room might have to be burned, when this is over. There isnāt an inch of your body he hasnāt cum on, kissed, spanked, or grabbed.
He ends up on top of you again, holding your knees back against your chest with a single arm, fucking you slow enough to drag long, loud moans from your lips every time.
āThatās my girl,ā he mutters, watching his thick, swollen cock slide in and out of your cunt, smearing and spreading hours of cum between your thighs. āMy pretty fuckinā doll.ā
You moan, reaching up with shaking hands to cup the back of his neck. His gaze drags back to yours, and you smile. You donāt know where the delicate, flowering thing inside of you is coming from. You think itās always been there, and Benās stripped you so bare thereās nowhere to hide it, no way to make it wither. With his hands so gentle on your hips and thighs, his gaze so clouded with adoration you think thatāto anyone elseāhe wouldnāt look like the same man, thereās nothing left to do but let this bloom.
āI love you,ā you breathe out, the first words youāve said in hours. āI love you, Ben.ā
His eyes go impossibly darker. His fingers dig into you, and he crashes forward with a groan.
Ben cums one last time, and you pass out at his kisses all over your face, murmuring words you feel more than hear.
He doesnāt say it back. You didnāt think he would. Ben coddles you like a child after, wrapping you in a shirt that somehow survived the damage and carrying out back to your room. You get a warm bath and glass of water. Your stomach rumbles, and suddenly thereās food in your hand. Ben rises you both off in the shower, his breathing heavy and his face pressed into the crook of your neck.
You can feel it with every single touch. That heās trying to find a way to tell you. That itās carving through his chest that he doesnāt know how.
And youāll wait. Telling him he doesnāt have to will do nothing but make him more frustrated, and youāre happy to have whatever he can offer after⦠this.
He figures it out faster than you thought, though. He lays in bed with you, glaring at the ceiling and rubbing your side. You watch him, your head propped on his chest, and smile. You lean up and press a kiss to his jaw, and he grunts in surprise, his gaze dropping to yours.
You smile again. His throat bobs. He opens his mouth. Closes it. Looks back to the ceiling and lets out a slow, deep breath.
āMarry me.ā
You blink at him. If you had an ounce of strength left in your body, youād sit up. āWhat?ā
āYou heard me,ā he grunts, glancing back down at you. āYou mean what you said?ā
āOf- Of course I meant it-ā
āYou sure?ā
āFuck you,ā you shove his chest, and his mouth twitches. āI wouldnāt have said it if I wasnāt sure, asshole. But-ā You point a stern finger. āIām not marrying you.ā
That makes him really, deeply frown. āWhy not.ā
āBecause Iām not crazy.ā
āThat aināt crazy, doll, you love something, you fucking marry it-ā
āMarry it?ā You snort. āWhat, are you gonna marry the fucking TV?ā
āNo, you brat, Iām marrying you.ā
Your mouth falls open. Ben glowers at you, his fingers digging on your hips again, like heās worried youāre going to run. āMe?ā You whisper, and Ben grunts.
āDonāt see me fuckinā proposing to anyone else, do you.ā
You laugh weakly. āBut this is- Ben, this is a bad proposal-ā
āIt is not bad-ā
āItās horrible-ā
āYouāre going to say yes,ā he snaps, and you sigh, tracing over the line of his pecs.
Thereās something raw under that demand. Something you donāt want to mock or poke at. That you want to nurture, to get him to show without barbing it in a defensive wire.
But youāre also not marrying him after one sex marathon.
āI want dinner,ā you say, and he frowns.
āIāll get you a fucking ring-ā
āNo.ā You lean down until your noses bump. āDinner.ā
Ben glares at you. You glare back, rubbing his chest, and he slowly relaxes under your touch.
āDinner,ā he mutters, and you beam, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.
He grabs the back of your neck, holding you above him. āYouād say yes, though,ā he rasps, and god help you, you would.
You just kiss him instead. Long and slow and deep, telling him in a language you know he prefers to speak. And you can feel it, under every single touch. How much he really, truly means it.
Five dinners, you tell yourself, but if Ben keeps holding you like this, you know. Youāll only last until he asks you again, and thenājust like beforeāyouāll all too happily give in.
ā¦End note: theory answered: yes he can ā¦
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cw: fem!reader, 18+, phone sex (a little dubcon-y but girlie is into it), daddy kink
Youāre a little hazy when you wake up. Your lashes stick together, and your lids feel so heavy. The sunlight has only just begun to filter through your curtains, and you canāt quite piece together why youāre awake at this hour.Ā
Until you register your phone ringing.
Now, the list of people able to call you through your sleep focus is very short. Jack is right at the top.Ā
You reach for your phone immediately, but your movements are still rather sluggish. Just before the call is about to go to voicemail, you manage to answer.
āJackie?ā you murmur drowsily, āWhatās wrong?ā
You hear a faint shifting at the other end of the line and a sigh of relief.Ā
āGod, itās good to hear your voice, baby.āĀ
Jack sounds a little breathless and more tired than you.Ā
You sit up and brush the fine hairs from your forehead, your brows pulled together in worry.
āYou okay, Jackie? Bad day?ā you ask.
āSomething like that, bun. Just finished my shift. Iām in the parking lot right now,ā he answers. āDid I wake you? You sound sleepy, Iām sorry.ā
āNo, no, itās okay,ā you insist.
Heās quiet for a second, and you hear another rustling sound.
āTell me something, bunny,ā Jack requests. āAnything. What did you dream about?ā
With your bottom lip pulled between your teeth, you hum as you try to remember.Ā
āI donāt know, Jackie,ā you admit, āI think you were there. You usually are. In my dreams, I mean. I think we were at the beach⦠or at a lake?ā
You pull the blanket up to your arms. Itās still much too early to think about so much, but if Jack asks, you deliver.
āSounds nice,ā he mumbles. His voice is hoarse, almost rough like sandpaper. āKeep going.ā
Something about the way he speaks makes your tummy flutter.Ā
āWell,ā you go on, āThere were birds. Green ones.ā
āMhmā¦ā
āThey kept circling over us. I donāt think I know any green birds.ā
āMe neither.ā
You hear him shift again, and this time there is another sound. Like⦠like fabric moving.Ā
Youāre about to question this when Jack suddenly groans.Ā
āKeep talkinā, sweet girl,ā he croaked.
āJackieā¦?āĀ
āPlease. Just talk. Thatās all Iām askinā.ā
His words are followed by a wet, filthy sound.Ā
You immediately feel the pull in your lower tummy as you begin to realise.Ā
āThere- we went swimming,ā you go on, a little shakily now, āand saw fish. A bunch of āem. Little ones, which wereā ā
Jack moans softly, which makes you press your thighs together.Ā
āUmā¦ā As you grow more flustered, it gets harder to speak. āThey were like rainbows, their scales. The sun made them change colours.ā
āUh huh,ā Jack mutters, his voice thin and strangled. āKeep goinā, baby. Just a little longer."
You canāt really focus as you hear the way his hand begins to move faster, slick sounds coming out of the speaker of your phone.Ā
āI⦠uh, we⦠we⦠I donāt remember, Jackie.ā
āCāmon, bunny,ā he encourages, āYou can. Use that pretty little head of yours for me. For Daddy, hm?ā
Liquid heat collects at the base of your spine, and you sneak a hand down between your thighs, only applying pressure for now.Ā YouāreĀ not allowed to touch without him there.Ā
āDaddy, I donāt remember,ā you whine.Ā
āYeah, you do,ā he retorts. āBaby, you do. Cāmon, talk to me. Help out your Daddy.ā
āWe- we sat at the shore,ā you continue. You werenāt even sure if it was true or just desperation making you invent things now. āAnd we saw dragonflies. And you held my hand and told me about your day at work. It was⦠it was a good day, I think.ā
āMhm.ā He inhaled sharply, and you heard fabric rustling again. āSo close, bunny. Just a little longer. Daddyās almost done. Oh, fuck.āĀ
You clench around nothing as he curses, all breathy and needy.
āYou.. we just kept sitting and talking. You, um, you kissed my cheek. And then you held me.ā
The last word has barely left your mouth when a godless noise spills from his mouth.Ā
āFuck, bunny, yes. Yes, keep talking with that sweet voice of yours. Please, baby.ā
āDaddy,ā you whimper, your cunt pulsing now. āI donāt remember anything else. Just you and me at the water and the fishies and the dragonflies andāā
Youāre interrupted by the deep, throaty moan that claws itself up from his chest only to fall from his lips like a tidal wave.
āOh, fuck,ā Jack gasps. āYes. Thatās my bunny.ā
Itās quiet for a moment, only his heavy breathing and your needy little gasps as you rock into your hand, your hips moving almost involuntarily.Ā
It always takes Jack a few seconds to catch his breath when he cums like that.
āBunny?ā he murmurs then.Ā
āYeah?ā you whisper.Ā
āGet that hand off your cunt right now. Sheās mine. And Iām coming over right now to take good care of her.ā
ā¤ļø just a quick reminder that the best way to support authors on here is to comment and reblog ā¤ļø ā find my masterlist here ā
Series Summary: Steve Rogers is good at being good. In public, he is calm, kind, untouchable - the man everyone trusts, the hero everyone believes in. To you, he is something else entirely: the man who comes to your apartment when the world becomes too heavy, sleeps in your bed like he belongs there, and still calls you his friend when anyone else is watching.
Series Warnings:Ā angst, no happy ending, toxic situationship, emotional unavailability, emotional manipulation, undefined relationship, fwb dynamics, public denial of private intimacy, Reader being used as emotional support, gaslighting-adjacent behavior, miscommunication, public confrontation, hurt no comfort, Reader has anger issues/explosive reactions, Steve is OOC, Steve is not portrayed as a good partner, emotional heartbreak, implied sexual relationship (not explicit), power imbalance in emotional investment, no use of y/n, inspired by good guy from against the current
Series Summary: Steve Rogers is good at being good. In public, he is calm, kind, untouchable - the man everyone trusts, the hero everyone believes in. To you, he is something else entirely: the man who comes to your apartment when the world becomes too heavy, sleeps in your bed like he belongs there, and still calls you his friend when anyone else is watching.
Wordcount: 11.8k
Series Warnings:Ā angst, no happy ending, toxic situationship, emotional unavailability, emotional manipulation, undefined relationship, fwb dynamics, public denial of private intimacy, Reader being used as emotional support, gaslighting-adjacent behavior, miscommunication, public confrontation, hurt no comfort, Reader has anger issues/explosive reactions, Steve is OOC, Steve is not portrayed as a good partner, emotional heartbreak, implied sexual relationship (not explicit), power imbalance in emotional investment, no use of y/n, inspired by good guy from against the current
Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female Reader
A/N: After feeding you all with some really sweet Steve in Carry You Home, it was high time I published this small series (it was supposed to be a one shot, but no way in hell am I fighting tumblr to post a 40k story) where Steve is... well. You'll see. Beta read as always by the amazing Cassie.
Masterlist - Series Masterlist - Next
The knock came at 1:17 in the morning.
Not loud. Never loud. Just three measured raps against your apartment door, careful enough that anyone else in the hall could have missed them, but distinct enough that you woke almost instantly, your body already knowing the sound before your mind fully caught up.
For one disoriented second, you stared at the ceiling, the red glow of the clock bleeding into the dark, and felt that stupid, bruised twist low in your chest. Then you pushed the blanket back, slid out of bed, and crossed the apartment barefoot without turning on the main light.
You did not ask who it was.
You already knew.
When you opened the door, Steve stood in the hallway with the posture of a man trying very hard to remain upright out of habit rather than conviction. He still wore most of the black tactical layer from the mission, though the jacket hung open and one sleeve was darkened near the shoulder, either from blood or grime or both. His hair was damp at the temples. There was a cut along the line of his jaw, shallow enough not to matter, and a split across one knuckle that had already started to close. He looked clean in the way he always somehow did, even after a bad night ā clean enough for strangers, at least. But you knew better.
His eyes looked wrong.
Not injured. Not unfocused. Just tired in a way that had nothing to do with sleep.
He did not say hello.
He looked at you for half a second, his gaze moving over your face like he was making sure you were there, really there, and then dropping, almost apologetic, to the floor between you.
āHey,ā he said.
His voice was roughened by exhaustion. That was all.
You leaned against the doorframe and took him in properly. āYou look terrible.ā
It was not a question. It was not particularly kind, either.
Something almost like a smile touched the corner of his mouth and disappeared just as quickly. āYeah.ā
You should have made him explain.
You should have asked what happened on the mission, whether he was hurt, whether anyone else was hurt, why he had come to you in the middle of the night instead of to medical, or his own floor, or one of the dozen people who would have opened their doors to Captain America without hesitation.
Instead, you stepped aside.
Steve hesitated only long enough to register the invitation. Then he walked in without a word, and you shut the door behind him with the soft click of a ritual that had repeated often enough to become muscle memory.
The apartment was dim except for the lamp over the kitchen counter and the line of city light creeping through the blinds. You kept your place small by Tower standards ā one bedroom, narrow galley kitchen, living room that doubled as a workspace whenever you brought files home, books stacked in horizontal piles because you had run out of shelf space months ago. It never looked like a show apartment. It looked lived in. Used. Yours.
Steve liked that about it.
You saw it every time he came over: the way something in him loosened the second the door shut behind him, like he was setting down a weight before he even realized he was doing it. It happened now too. Not dramatically. Steve never did anything dramatically when other people were around, and apparently āother peopleā included the version of himself he wore out in the world. But his shoulders eased by a fraction, and some of the strain in his face lost its edge.
He stood in the middle of your living room, broad and silent and making the place look smaller than it was, while you locked the door and turned back toward him.
āYou need a doctor?ā you asked.
He shook his head once.
āYou bleeding on my floor?ā
Another near-smile, gone just as fast. āNo.ā
āGreat. Then you can keep standing there looking tragic, or you can sit down.ā
He exhaled through his nose, almost a laugh, and lowered himself onto your couch. He sat forward first, elbows on his knees, hands hanging between them, his head bowed like he had run out of strength halfway through the act of being a person. You had seen that posture enough times now that it no longer startled you, though it still did something ugly to your heart every time. Nobody else saw him like this. You were nearly certain of it.
The world got the straight back, the measured tone, the impossible calm. The world got Captain America.
You got the man who showed up after midnight and forgot how to hold himself together.
You went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and brought it back to him. He took it without looking up.
āThanks.ā
You hummed and perched on the arm of the chair opposite the couch rather than sitting beside him immediately. That was part of it too ā knowing when not to touch him yet. There were nights when Steve came to you taut as wire, every muscle in his body still wound around whatever the mission had demanded of him, and if you put your hands on him too quickly he went still in the wrong way, like he was bracing out of instinct. Other nights he came in already half-collapsed, all but reaching for you before the door was shut.
Tonight was the first kind.
So you let the silence settle.
You had gotten good at that, maybe better than anyone. Not because silence came naturally to you ā it didnāt; your temper was quick and your mouth quicker ā but because Steveās silences had texture, and after enough nights like this you had learned to tell one from another. There was the clipped, irritated silence that meant someone had pushed him too far and he was still trying to be fair about it. There was the cold one that followed bad press or bad calls or bad meetings, the silence of a man trying not to let anger become something useful. There was grief, which sat lower and deeper and made him look older than he was and younger too, somehow, like history had folded him badly. And then there was this.
This was aftermath.
This was adrenaline gone sour in the bloodstream. This was his body having done what it had needed to do and his mind only now beginning to collect the cost.
You watched him drink half the water in one go. He set the glass carefully on the coffee table. His hands were steady. Steveās hands were always steady, which made it easier for everyone to pretend he was.
āWhat happened?ā you asked eventually.
He was quiet long enough that you thought he might ignore the question. Not out of disrespect. Steve never ignored you to be cruel. He just had a gift for letting things slide past him unanswered if answering them would require more honesty than he was prepared to give.
āMission went sideways,ā he said at last.
You snorted softly. āThat narrows it down.ā
One shoulder lifted, then dropped. āIntel was wrong.ā
It tracked. You were the one who usually cleaned up after wrong intel ā cross-checked it, mapped the gaps, built a report no one read until something exploded. You knew how often field failures began with a desk somewhere deciding uncertainty was close enough to accuracy.
āAnyone dead?ā you asked.
He shook his head. āNo.ā
āInjured?ā
āNothing bad.ā
Not no one. Nothing bad. A distinction. You filed it away.
Steve leaned back at last, his head resting briefly against the couch cushion, eyes on the ceiling. The line of his throat worked once, like he swallowed something he did not want to put into words.
āYou want the official version,ā you said, āor the one you came here with?ā
His gaze shifted to you then, slow and tired. For a second, something naked moved behind his expression ā surprise, maybe, or simple recognition. The acknowledgment that you knew the difference.
āThe second one,ā he said.
You nodded once. āOkay.ā
He closed his eyes.
For a while, that was all there was. The low hum of your refrigerator. The traffic far below. The muffled groan of old pipes in the walls. Steve breathing through his nose, deep and controlled, as if even now he was trying to keep his body from taking up too much space.
Then, because eventually he always talked if you let him arrive there in his own time, he said, āThere were civilians still inside.ā
You said nothing.
āWe were told the building had been cleared.ā His voice stayed even, but only because he held it there by force. āIt hadnāt.ā
Your jaw tightened.
Steve opened his eyes again, though he did not look at you. He kept them on the dark line where wall met ceiling. āA kid came out of a stairwell after the first breach. Maybe ten. Maybe younger.ā He paused. āThen two more.ā
You could see it without wanting to. The chaos, the recalculation, the ugly second in which a plan stopped being viable and started being about damage control. Steve in the center of it, adapting because that was what he did, absorbing consequences because that was what people expected of him.
āEveryone made it out?ā you asked.
āYes.ā
But he still sounded like a man standing in smoke.
You rose from the armchair and crossed the space between you, sitting beside him on the couch this time. Slow. Deliberate. Giving him the chance to shift away if he wanted.
He didnāt.
Your thigh touched his. Not much. Just enough to bridge the distance. You reached for his hand and turned it palm-up over your knee. The split across his knuckles looked ugly but superficial. You dabbed at the dried blood there with your thumb.
āYou saved them,ā you said.
His mouth pulled tight. āWe shouldāve known they were there.ā
There it was.
Not relief. Not even delayed anger.
Guilt, because of course it was guilt. It followed him home more reliably than anything else.
You looked down at his hand in yours, at the calluses and old scars and the fresh half-healed injuries layered over them, and felt the familiar rush of irritation so sharp it nearly disguised itself as tenderness. Steve had that effect on you. He made you want to be gentle and furious at the same time.
āYou canāt fix bad intel by hating yourself harder,ā you said.
That got his attention. He turned his head and looked at you properly for the first time since he arrived. Up close, the exhaustion under his eyes looked bruised.
āI know,ā he said.
āNo, you donāt.ā
A beat passed.
Then, because with you he sometimes dropped the act of already understanding everything, Steve let out a breath and said, āMaybe not.ā
It should not have mattered as much as it did, hearing that from him. It was such a small thing. Barely an admission. But Steve did not give people that kind of openness lightly, and when he did, it landed in you like trust.
That was part of how this kept happening. Not just the sex, though that would have been easier in some ways. Easier to dismiss, easier to resent cleanly. It was the way he let you see him in pieces no one else got. The way he came to you with all the edges sanded off and all the damage exposed, and then looked at you like he already knew you would not look away.
You stood to get the first aid kit from the bathroom.
When you came back, he had shifted deeper into the couch, one arm thrown along the back cushion, his head tilted slightly as though the effort of staying awake had become negotiable. You set the kit on the table, took his hand again, and cleaned the blood from his knuckles properly this time.
He watched you in silence.
The cut on his jaw needed a strip, nothing more. You stood between his knees to reach it, one hand braced lightly against his shoulder while you pressed the bandage into place. He smelled like rain, sweat, metal, and the clean industrial soap from the Tower locker rooms. Underneath all that, unmistakably, he smelled like Steve.
His hands settled on your hips with absent familiarity, as if they had every right to be there.
You did not react at first. You finished smoothing the strip over his skin and pulled your hand back.
āHold still,ā you murmured.
āIām holding still.ā
āYouāre distracting.ā
That finally got a real smile out of him, small and tired and gone before it fully formed. His thumbs moved once against the fabric of your sleep shirt.
It would have been smarter to step back then.
You didnāt.
The space between you changed the way it always did: not suddenly, not even dramatically, just with the quiet inevitability of something well-practiced. His hands stayed where they were. Your gaze caught on the cut at his jaw, then his mouth, then his eyes. Steve looked up at you with that familiar, devastating restraint, as if he were asking a question he had no right to ask and already knew you would answer anyway.
āYou should sleep,ā you said.
āProbably.ā
Neither of you moved.
Your laugh came out soft and humorless. āThat wasnāt an invitation.ā
āI know.ā
āDo you?ā
His fingers tightened slightly at your waist. Not enough to trap. Just enough to make it clear he was there. āYou want me to go?ā
It was unfair that he could ask that so gently. Unfair that he could put the decision in your hands as though that absolved him of wanting anything.
You looked at him for a long second. āYou came here at one in the morning, Steve.ā
āI know.ā
āNo, I really donāt think you do.ā
His gaze flickered, something like apology crossing it, but not enough to become words. That was another pattern. Steve apologized rarely and incompletely, and somehow that only made the rare occasions when regret showed on his face feel more intimate than a hundred empty sorrys from anyone else.
You should have pushed him on it.
On why he came here. On why it was always here. On why he could show up at your door looking wrecked and let you put him back together with your bare hands, then stand three feet away from you in the Tower kitchen the next day and call you a friend with that same impossible calm.
Instead, you reached up and slid your fingers into the damp hair at the nape of his neck.
His eyes closed immediately.
That did something painful to your chest.
Steve leaned forward until his forehead rested lightly against your sternum, his hands still warm at your hips, and for a moment the two of you stayed like that in the middle of your living room ā him seated, you standing between his knees, both of you balanced in the quiet of something that had long since become too intimate to explain away and still remained stubbornly nameless.
You stroked your hand through his hair once, then again. Felt the tension in him ease by slow, reluctant degrees.
āBad?ā you asked quietly.
His answer came muffled against your shirt. āYeah.ā
āDid you get hit?ā
āNothing that matters.ā
You let out a soft, irritated breath. āYou say that like it means anything.ā
This time his mouth curved faintly where it rested against you. āYou worry too much.ā
āI absolutely do not.ā
āYou do.ā
āYou show up bleeding after midnight and say three words in fifteen minutes. Iām not worrying too much. Iām being reasonable.ā
At that, he lifted his head and looked at you with enough warmth to make you regret the entire shape of your life.
āReasonable,ā he repeated.
āDonāt sound so surprised.ā
āIām not.ā He paused. āMaybe a little.ā
You rolled your eyes. āYou can leave.ā
His hands slid from your hips, but only to catch your wrists and hold them gently, keeping you where you were. āI donāt want to.ā
There was the truth. Plain and quiet and infuriatingly partial. Never the whole of what you wanted, always enough to keep something inside you reaching.
Your expression must have shifted, because something in his did too. Some awareness of the line you stood on. Some recognition, dim but real, that there was more here than he ever let either of you say out loud.
Then, as if afraid of what might happen if the moment stayed verbal for one second longer, he kissed you.
Steve always kissed you like he was trying not to ask for too much.
He started gently, his mouth warm and careful, one hand sliding back to your waist while the other stayed around your wrist for another second before releasing it. You kissed him back with less restraint than that, because you were tired and he was here and some mean, foolish part of you wanted to punish him by making him feel exactly how much you had already let him have.
He made a low sound in his throat, barely audible, and rose from the couch enough to draw you closer. The angle was awkward until it wasnāt. Until you were in his lap, one knee pressing into the cushion beside his thigh, your hand at his jaw while his settled at the base of your spine.
By then there was no point pretending this was the first time.
You knew how he moved when he was still half in his own head, the way his body stayed controlled even while his breathing changed. You knew the exact point at which his hands stopped being careful and started being honest. He knew the places at your waist that made you shiver, the way your temper surfaced in little bites when you were trying not to feel too much, the fact that if he kissed the corner of your mouth and not your mouth itself you would catch his shirt and pull him back like you were irritated rather than gone for him.
This had been happening for months. Long enough that your body no longer startled at his in your bed. Long enough that he knew which cabinet your clean towels were in and where you kept the extra t-shirts he sometimes slept in. Long enough that you had stopped telling yourself there would be some clean line between the nights he needed somewhere to land and the nights he wanted you.
Maybe there had never been one.
He carried the weight of the evening with him into the bedroom. Even when his hands were on you, even when his mouth softened and his shoulders finally gave way under your touch, some part of him remained braced against memory and consequence. But with you, eventually, he let go of enough. Enough for his breathing to roughen. Enough for his forehead to press to your shoulder afterward, his pulse still hard under your palm. Enough for the war in him to quiet down to something almost human.
It was never casual. That would have been simpler too.
When it was over, the room settled into the dark, the city beyond the blinds reduced to distant light and glass and the occasional flash of headlights across the ceiling. Steve lay half on his side, one arm across your waist, his breathing evening out faster than yours. His body was a furnace against the sheets, heavy and solid and impossible to ignore. You stared into the dark and listened to the familiar way the apartment changed when someone else was in it: deeper breaths, shared warmth, the mattress dipped under another personās weight.
After a while, you thought he had fallen asleep.
Then he said, so quietly you almost missed it, āIām sorry.ā
You stiffened before you could stop yourself.
For what?
That was the problem with Steve. An apology from him could mean a dozen things and answer none of them. Sorry for showing up. Sorry for bleeding on your couch and your peace. Sorry for using your bed as if comfort were a resource he had any right to tap. Sorry for how this kept happening. Sorry for the morning that would come after.
You turned onto your side to face him. His eyes were open in the dark, fixed somewhere near your collarbone rather than your face.
āFor tonight?ā you asked.
A pause.
āFor waking you.ā
That almost made you laugh.
Not because it was funny. Because of course that was the thing he chose. Not the need. Not the habit. Not the whole impossible shape of whatever this was between you. Just the hour.
āSteve.ā
His hand flexed once against your waist. āYou looked tired.ā
āItās one in the morning.ā
āI know.ā
You looked at him for a long moment, wanting very badly to be reckless enough to ask one direct question and strong enough to survive the answer.
What are we doing?
Why me?
Why only like this?
But the exhaustion on his face, the residual strain in his body, the fact that he had come here at all ā it all worked on you the way it always did. It made confrontation feel ugly. Selfish. Poorly timed. It made your need for clarity seem small beside whatever unnamed thing he carried home from nights like this.
So instead you sighed and brushed your thumb over the uncut side of his jaw.
āGo to sleep,ā you said.
This time he did.
Steve slept harder than he admitted to sleeping anywhere else. That, more than the sex, more than the late-night visits, more than the way his hands knew your body in the dark, was what convinced you this had crossed into dangerous territory a long time ago. He trusted sleep badly. You knew that. You had seen what his nights did to him, how lightly he rested in the Tower, how every strange sound seemed to pull him half alert. Here, with his face turned into your pillow and one arm across you like his body had made its own decision, he went under with a depth that always felt less like victory and more like surrender.
You lay awake longer.
That was another habit.
You watched the dim shape of him in the dark, listened to the slow pull of his breathing, and thought all the thoughts you never let yourself say when he was awake. Thoughts with edges. Thoughts that asked whether you would have let any other man into your apartment, your bed, your life like this if he insisted on treating every morning after like an administrative inconvenience. Thoughts that called this what it was and then flinched from the answer.
At some point close to dawn, sleep finally took you too.
When you woke again, pale morning had already crept through the blinds, striping the room in cold grey-blue. For one half-blind second, before memory returned, you only registered the warmth at your back and the heavy arm around your middle.
Then Steve shifted.
You went still.
There it was. The tiny moment every time. The thin seam between night and morning where something real still lingered, soft and unguarded, before the day came in and rearranged him into someone easier to survive.
Steve inhaled, deeper than sleep, then exhaled like a man surfacing. His arm tightened very slightly around you, purely instinctive. His nose brushed the back of your neck. The gesture was intimate enough to make your throat ache.
You should have stayed asleep and let the illusion keep breathing for one more minute.
Instead you opened your eyes.
He felt it immediately. Steveās body always knew when you were awake. His arm loosened, not abruptly, not coldly, but with just enough awareness to tell you the transition had begun.
āMorning,ā he said.
His voice was lower from sleep. Warm. Human. Too soft.
You stared at the wall. āThat depends.ā
A beat passed. Then, because he recognized the shape of your moods almost as well as you recognized his silences, he asked, āOn?ā
āWhether you plan to do the thing where you act like none of this happened as soon as your feet hit the floor.ā
Silence.
Not long. Just long enough.
You rolled onto your back and looked at him.
Steve was already propped on one elbow, the sheet low on his waist, his hair a mess that would have looked unfairly good if he werenāt wearing that familiar guarded expression around the eyes. Not closed-off, exactly. Not yet. But smoothing out. Reassembling. You watched it happen in real time and hated that you had gotten good at spotting the stages.
āI donāt act like it didnāt happen,ā he said.
Your laugh was short and sharp. āReally?ā
His jaw tightened by a fraction. āThatās not fair.ā
āNo?ā You pushed yourself up against the headboard, dragging the sheet with you. āYou show up here in the middle of the night, sleep with me, sleep here, and then the next morning you turn intoā¦ā You waved a hand at him. āWhatever this polished, impossible version of you is.ā
His gaze held yours steadily. āIām still me.ā
āYeah, thatās kind of the problem.ā
Something flickered in his face then ā annoyance, maybe, or hurt, or simply the first warning sign that he was about to retreat into patience and make you feel unreasonable for having a pulse. It was always hard to tell at first.
He sat up properly, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. āI didnāt come here to fight.ā
āAnd I didnāt invite you over for a sleep study, but here we are.ā
That got a breath out of him, not quite a sigh. He looked tired again, though in a different way now. Less stripped down, more defended. āYou know thatās not what this is.ā
Do you? nearly came out of you.
You bit it back. Barely.
Because this was how it happened. One wrong turn and suddenly you were no longer talking about him arriving at your door like your apartment was some private fallout shelter he kept for himself. You were talking about tone. Timing. Whether you were making too much of things. Whether now was really the moment.
Steve stood and reached for his clothes. He moved without hurry, every action composed, efficient, familiar. It should have been ordinary. Instead it felt like watching a wall go back up brick by brick.
You stayed in bed, arms folded over your knees, and watched him become public-facing by degrees. Shirt. Holster. Belt. Every layer another inch of distance.
When he had dressed, he picked up the glass you had given him the night before and carried it to the kitchen sink. Even that made something sour twist in your chest ā how natural he looked in your apartment, how deeply he fit nowhere visible.
He came back to the bedroom doorway fastening the watch at his wrist.
āThereās a debrief at ten,ā he said.
Of course there was.
You stared at him. āYou mean the one where we go back to pretending weāre just exceptionally committed colleagues?ā
A muscle in his jaw jumped.
āDonāt do that,ā he said quietly.
You laughed once, incredulous. āDo what? Say it out loud?ā
His eyes met yours then, and for a second you saw the night version of him buried underneath the morning one ā tired, complicated, wanting something he refused to touch directly. Then it was gone again beneath restraint.
āWeāve talked about this,ā he said.
That was almost enough to make you angry for real.
No, you thought. He had talked around it. Reframed it. Deferred it with that maddening calm of his until the conversation came out looking like your inability to accept what was already obvious and reasonable.
āYeah,ā you said. āYou say itās better this way.ā
His expression did not change. āIt is.ā
āFor who?ā
That landed. You knew it did because he went still in a way he only did when a question struck somewhere he had no immediate answer for.
But Steve Rogers had made a life out of surviving the pause between question and answer.
āFor everyone,ā he said at last.
You smiled without humor. āRight.ā
He took a step into the room. āYou know I care about you.ā
There it was again. That carefully measured offering. Just enough truth to hold you in place. Never enough to free either of you.
You looked at him and thought, with a kind of exhausted clarity, that if he had said less it might have hurt less too.
āDo me a favor,ā you said.
His brow furrowed slightly. āWhat?ā
āDonāt use that line like itās supposed to fix anything.ā
Something sharpened behind his eyes. Not anger exactly. More the beginning of it, buried under discipline. āIām not trying to fix anything.ā
āNo,ā you said. āYouāre trying to smooth it over.ā
āThatās notāā
āItās always what you do.ā
He stopped.
Silence swelled between you, heavier now than any of the quiet from last night. This was not his aftermath silence or his grief silence or the silence he wore when he came to you frayed and honest at the edges. This was the one he reached for when emotion threatened to become inconvenient. The one that let him stand very still and force everyone around him to hear themselves too loudly.
You hated that silence most.
Finally he said, āYouāre upset.ā
You blinked at him. āWow. Good catch.ā
His mouth flattened. āIām trying.ā
āNo, Steve.ā You slid out of bed and stood, gathering the sheet around you because you had no interest in being half-naked for this part. āYouāre visiting. Thereās a difference.ā
That landed too.
Good.
He looked at you for a long second, and something in his face closed the rest of the way. Not cruel. Never obviously cruel. That would have been easier to fight. Just distant enough to remind you that daylight belonged to a version of him who knew exactly how to survive difficult conversations by becoming calmer than the person having them.
āI should go,ā he said.
Of course.
Your laugh came out low and disbelieving. āYeah. You probably should.ā
He inclined his head once, almost formal now, and moved toward the front door. At the threshold he paused, one hand on the knob, and glanced back.
āIāll see you at the Tower.ā
Not Iāll call. Not are you okay. Not weāll talk later.
Just that.
The place where both of you would go back to your assigned roles. The place where his voice would flatten into professionalism and your anger would have to hide under sarcasm and clipped reports and whatever scraps of dignity you still had the energy to preserve.
You looked at him and thought about all the ways a person could make something feel real in the dark and unreal by morning.
āSure,ā you said.
Steve stood there one second longer, as if he wanted to say something else and did not know how or had already decided against it. Then he left.
The door closed softly behind him.
And just like that, the apartment changed.
It always did.
The air felt too cool without his body heating the space. The room looked larger, emptier, vaguely embarrassed in the morning light. Your pillow still held the shape of his head. One of his bandage wrappers sat in your trash can beside a wine receipt and yesterdayās notes. There was a damp imprint on the bathroom sink where he had washed his hands. Tiny traces everywhere, intimate and useless.
You stood in the middle of the apartment wrapped in a sheet and listened to the silence he left behind.
This was the worst part. Not the leaving itself. You could have handled leaving if it had been honest. It was the split ā the way the night could hold one version of him so completely and the morning could strip it back without ever becoming cruel enough to justify your anger cleanly.
That was what made it dangerous.
If Steve had been careless in obvious ways, if he had been crude or dismissive or openly ashamed of you, you could have hated him and been done with it. But he never gave you anything that simple. He came to you tired and real and aching in ways he showed no one else. He let you see his silences. He slept in your bed like trust came naturally there. He said things with his hands, his mouth, the weight of his body beside yours that would have sounded like love in any other language.
Then daylight came, and everything softened into something deniable.
Something reasonable.
Something that would look, from the outside, very much like friendship if you ignored the fact that he knew the inside of your thighs better than most people knew your last name.
You let the sheet fall long enough to drag on clean clothes, then walked into the kitchen and found the glass he had rinsed and left upside down to dry. Such a Steve gesture. Thoughtful. Neat. Infuriating.
On the counter beside it lay the spare keycard you sometimes used for the archive floor. Your phone buzzed with an overnight Tower memo. Somewhere several floors above, in another part of the same city, Steve was probably already back in motion ā shower, coffee, debrief, clipped assessment of a mission gone wrong delivered in that level voice everyone trusted.
By noon, he would look like himself again to the rest of the world.
Maybe he already did.
You braced both hands on the counter and bowed your head.
The feeling that settled in your chest was familiar enough to be almost mundane now, which only made it worse: not heartbreak exactly, because heartbreak implied climax and clarity and some spectacular moment of damage you could point to later. This was quieter. Meaner. The hollow after. The space left by something real that no one would ever admit had been real at all.
Last night had happened. His body in your bed had happened. The apology in the dark had happened, however partial and cowardly. His hands at your waist, his head bent against your chest, the way he had looked at you like coming here had been as instinctive as breathing ā that had all happened.
And in a few hours, once you were both back in the Tower, it would feel like a secret he had not exactly asked you to keep and would still expect you to carry.
You closed your eyes.
Somewhere between the knock at your door and the click of it shutting behind him that morning, you always let yourself believe, just for a few stolen hours, that what existed between you might be too intimate to dismiss forever.
Then morning came, and Steve left you with the same old truth: whatever this was, it was real enough for the night and nowhere near official enough for daylight.
By nine-thirty, the Tower had already swallowed the night whole.
That was one of the things you hated most about it. Not the speed exactly ā though that too, the relentless forward motion of briefings and reports and coded updates and coffee going cold beside someoneās keyboard ā but the way it erased aftermath. Blood got washed off. Suits got repaired. Official statements got drafted. The building learned how to absorb disaster and return polished surfaces to the world by morning.
You stepped out of the elevator with a tablet tucked under one arm, a coffee in the other hand, and four hours of sleep sitting behind your eyes like broken glass.
No one would have guessed.
You were good at that part too.
Not graceful, not serene, not particularly elegant, but good at moving as if exhaustion were a personal insult you intended to outwork before lunch. Your heels struck the floor with brisk irritation as you crossed into Intelligence and Operations, the section of the Tower most people only noticed when something had already gone wrong. The glass walls here looked out over the city and reflected rows of screens, shifting maps, biometric readouts, streams of intercepted chatter, the kind of information other people got to call āsupportā because they liked pretending heroism happened only where bullets did.
This was where the patterns lived.
This was where you lived.
The analysts on morning shift glanced up as you came in. A few nodded. One brave soul offered a cautious āMorning,ā in the tone of someone checking whether you were going to bite today.
You gave him a flat look over the rim of your coffee. āThat depends.ā
He grinned nervously and turned back to his monitor.
Good. Fear kept people efficient.
You dropped your bag by your station and woke the bank of screens with a practiced touch. Overnight packets populated in layers: mission debrief, satellite lag reports, revised extraction times, local police response delay, collateral estimates, witness summaries, three preliminary assessments from people who did not know how to write clearly and one from Maria Hillās office that somehow managed to be both concise and quietly threatening.
You scrolled through them fast, scanning for gaps.
There were always gaps.
The mission from last night had already been reduced into clean language. Civilian presence unaccounted for prior to entry. Tactical deviation successful. No fatalities. Moderate injuries. Ongoing review of intelligence pipeline failure. It read like a problem solved at the cost of a few procedural notes. You could almost admire how efficient institutions were at laundering panic into bullet points.
Your jaw tightened.
A soft knock sounded against the side of your desk. You looked up to find Maya from threat assessment standing there with her own coffee and the cautious expression of someone approaching a cornered animal.
āYou look homicidal,ā she said.
āIām at work.ā
āThat wasnāt a denial.ā
āIt never is before ten.ā
Maya smiled and leaned one hip against the neighboring desk. āHill wants an updated risk cascade on last night before noon. Regional partners are already doing the thing where they ask if weāre absolutely certain the error came from local intel and not ours.ā
You snorted. āOf course they are.ā
āAnd Stark wants a simplified version for PR.ā
That made you finally look away from the screen and stare at her in open offense. āSimplified?ā
āHe said and I quote, āMake it something the press can read without developing a tactical fetishā.ā
You pinched the bridge of your nose. āI hate this building.ā
āNo, you donāt.ā
āNo,ā you said, āI hate the people who insist on making me translate reality into language investors can consume over lunch.ā
Mayaās mouth twitched. āThere she is.ā
You waved her off and started pulling files into a live working spread. On the central screen, the building schematic from the mission site rotated slowly, your annotations from six hours earlier still marked in red. Entry points. Civilian choke possibilities. The blind gap in the clearance data that should have been flagged and wasnāt. You traced it again with your eyes and felt a flare of anger so quick and clean it almost steadied you.
This was your actual job, in all the ways people never glorified. Not just gathering information. Not just filing it neatly. Understanding where things frayed. Reading the shape of mistakes before anyone else bothered to see them as shapes at all. Human behavior, geopolitical pressure, compromised chains of custody, falsified signals, timing discrepancies, emotional spillover from command decisions ā all of it fed into the same machine eventually, and you were one of the people who knew how to listen when it rattled wrong.
You were good at your job.
More than good. Essential, on the days anyone bothered to admit it.
You built profiles that prevented bad alliances. Predicted escalation windows. Flagged diplomatic failures before they became body counts. Cut through grandstanding and bravado and beautiful field reports until only the useful truth remained. Half the people in this building would have been dead or fired or globally embarrassed at least once without the work that happened on your floor.
But no one put analysts on posters.
No one applauded a well-caught inconsistency. There were no cameras for the woman who noticed that a six-minute discrepancy in a regional police response time meant there were still civilians inside a supposedly cleared structure.
There were, however, plenty of cameras for the men who kicked the front doors in once the rest of you had done everything possible to make that survivable.
By ten-fifteen, you had three models open, one running risk projection and two mapping the failure cascade back through the source chain. Your coffee was cold. Your temper had not improved. A junior analyst from the west station asked if you could review his work on a new asset triage and received, in return, nine concise reasons why his confidence intervals were garbage.
He blinked at you. āI thought it was fine.ā
āIt is, if your goal was to make everyone feel included instead of right.ā
He opened his mouth, closed it, and took the tablet back.
Maya, two desks over, muttered, āYou know HR has a file on you.ā
āHR has a file on anyone useful.ā
A laugh went up around the station. You ignored it and kept working.
That was the thing people got wrong about you. They thought the temper came first. The sharp mouth, the impatience, the way your irritation surfaced almost as quickly as thought. But what actually came first was accuracy. You hated sloppiness. You hated ego where precision should have been. You hated being expected to soften a conclusion so it would land more comfortably in someone elseās lap. Most of your explosiveness was just refusal, badly disguised by a personality no one would ever call easy.
You knew how you were perceived. Too blunt. Too intense. Difficult in meetings. Brilliant, yes, but sharp-edged enough that people remembered the cut before they remembered the competence. You had long since stopped trying to polish yourself into something more digestible.
It would not have helped anyway.
Not in a building full of exceptional people where āvaluableā and āvisibleā were never quite the same thing.
At eleven, you took the debrief upstairs.
The conference room was already half full by the time you walked in ā Sam leaning back in his chair with one ankle propped over the opposite knee, Natasha somehow sitting still enough to look bored and alert at the same time, Rhodey with a tablet in hand, Tony flipping through a holographic display he was very clearly not reading, and Steve at the far end of the table looking exactly like he always looked in daylight: composed, clean, broad-shouldered, impossible.
If you had not woken up with the imprint of his body still warm in your sheets, you might have believed the act yourself.
He glanced up when you entered.
That was all. Just a glance.
Not too quick to seem avoidant, not too long to seem personal. The exact right amount of acknowledgment for a trusted colleague entering a room.
You hated how good he was at that.
You moved to the screen without looking at him again, docked your tablet, and brought up the map spread. āThe fault line started here,ā you said, zooming in on the compromised source channel. āLocal clearance confirmation came through two minutes before our internal verification window closed. It should have been flagged for manual review. It wasnāt. That created the false assumption that the building had been evacuated.ā
Rhodey leaned forward. āHuman failure or system failure?ā
āBoth,ā you said. āHuman first. System second. Somebody trusted a source that hadnāt earned it, and the automation wasnāt built to compensate for that level of stupidity.ā
Tony looked up. āSee, that? Thatās why your reports donāt test well with sponsors.ā
You turned to stare at him. āI will gladly create a sanitized version for your donor-adjacent bedtime story after the grown-up review is over.ā
Sam coughed into his fist, badly concealing a grin.
Tony, naturally, looked delighted. āYou know, every time you say things like that, my instinct is to promote you purely out of self-defense.ā
āDo it,ā you said. āThen I can insult people with a better office.ā
A few people laughed. Even Rhodeyās mouth twitched. The tension in the room eased for half a second, the way it often did when your temper became useful entertainment instead of a personnel concern.
You kept talking. Walked them through the chain. Showed where the assumptions calcified into risk. Showed where the field team adapted fast enough to prevent fatalities. You were careful there. Fair. Whatever else you felt this morning, the team had done what they were supposed to do once the error was visible.
And Steveā¦
Steve had done what Steve always did.
He had held the line and absorbed the consequences with that impossible blend of decisiveness and restraint people found so comforting. Watching him from the front of the room, listening to him answer two follow-up questions in that low, steady voice, you could understand exactly why the world trusted him on sight.
He looked like integrity.
That was the problem.
He thanked you after your summary. Calmly. Sincerely. āGood work.ā
Just that.
No one else in the room would have heard anything strange in it. Why would they? He thanked people all the time. He respected competence openly. That was part of the legend too ā Captain America, gracious in victory, decent in defeat, unfailingly courteous to the invisible machinery around him.
You met his eyes for one beat too long and felt the heat of last night turn into something acidic under your ribs.
Good work.
As if he had not had his mouth on your throat six hours ago.
As if he had not slept with one arm over your waist like your bed belonged to him in the dark and no one in the room now would ever guess.
āAs always,ā Tony added, because he had never seen a moment he could not make worse, āour terrifying little intelligence goblin remains the only person in this building I want grading my bad decisions.ā
āI charge extra for repeat offenders,ā you said without missing a beat.
It should have been routine after that. It was routine. Timelines, next steps, follow-up coordination with outside agencies, media exposure probabilities. You spoke when needed. Took notes. Answered questions. Ignored the fact that every time Steve said your name in that room, he used the exact same tone he used for everyone else.
Professional. Respectful. Untouched.
By the time it ended, you wanted to throw your tablet through the glass.
Instead, you collected your things with the clipped efficiency of someone who had learned long ago that visible emotion became gossip faster than data.
āHey.ā
You turned. Sam stood near the door, hands in the pockets of his jacket, smile easy.
āWhat?ā you asked.
He nodded toward the screens. āThat was good work.ā
You narrowed your eyes. āIf this is one of those weird morale moments people do before asking me for something, Iām leaving.ā
He laughed. āNo ask. Just saying. You caught the miss fast.ā
āAfter it missed,ā you said. āWhich was the issue.ā
āYeah, well.ā He shrugged. āStill mattered.ā
The thing about Sam was that he knew how to make sincerity sound casual enough to survive contact with people like you. You appreciated that despite yourself.
āThanks,ā you said.
He tipped his chin once, then glanced over your shoulder. His expression shifted ā mischief, mild and harmless on anyone else.
āSpeaking of patterns,ā he said, āyou and Rogers got that whole old married couple thing down when youāre arguing over intel.ā
Your grip on the tablet tightened.
It was not the comment itself that hit. It was how light he made it sound. How utterly innocent. How rooted in a world where your connection with Steve could be observed only as banter, friction, professional familiarity. Nothing messier than that. Nothing with teeth in it.
You kept your face still. āIf by old married couple you mean one of us is right and the other one has a heroic jawline, sure.ā
Sam laughed. āSee? That.ā
He moved on before you had to answer, heading out with Rhodey and Natasha. You remained where you were for one beat too long, pulse unhelpfully loud in your ears.
Then you heard Tony, still near the table, say to Steve, āCareful, Rogers. Another few months of that and people are gonna start thinking she actually likes you.ā
There was a short pause. You could not see Steve without turning your head.
Then he said, easy and warm and perfectly measured, āSheās a friend, Tony.ā
You went completely still.
Friend.
Not even hesitation. Not even enough discomfort to suggest the word cost him anything. Just that same calm, decent voice, the one that could make almost any sentence sound harmless.
Tony snorted. āThatās adorable. Wrong, but adorable.ā
āShe is,ā Steve said.
And because the universe had a mean sense of timing, you turned just in time to see the expression on his face as he said it: open, untroubled, almost fond. Nothing sharp enough to betray him. Nothing a single person in the room could have read as false or defensive.
Just Captain America talking about someone he respected.
A trusted colleague. A close friend.
Someone safe to name because she cost him nothing in public.
You could have stayed and made a scene then. You could have let the anger come up hot and immediate, could have said something cruel enough to slice through the room and leave everyone staring. That would have been easier in some ways. Cleaner. At least then your humiliation would have had the dignity of being visible.
Instead, you left.
You made it all the way back to your floor before your temper actually hit.
Maya looked up the second you came through the doors. āOh, no.ā
āWhat?ā
āThat face means one of two things,ā she said, slowly lowering her headset. āEither legal called, or somebody said something terminally stupid.ā
You set your tablet down on your desk with more force than strictly necessary. āIs there any coffee left?ā
She blinked. āThat bad?ā
You laughed once, humorless. āIām deciding.ā
Maya, who had worked with you long enough to know when not to poke a live wire, slid a fresh cup across the desk divider from her station without another word. You took it, muttered thanks, and sat down hard enough to jolt your chair.
The rest of the afternoon blurred around the edges.
You worked because that was what you did when you were angry enough to splinter. You buried yourself in projections, in revised partner requests, in a brief on a Balkan network acquisition that required enough attention to almost cauterize the rest of your brain. People approached you carefully, asked concise questions, left quickly. Sometime around three, one of the field liaisons tried to explain away a gap in his report by saying the details āwerenāt operationally relevant,ā and you took him apart so efficiently that Maya kicked your chair afterward and informed you that while you had been technically correct, you had also been, quote, ākind of a nightmare.ā
āI contain multitudes,ā you said.
āNo, honey. You contain knives.ā
By five-thirty, the floor had emptied enough for the ambient noise to soften. Evening light turned the windows gold, then copper, then dark. You stayed because leaving at a normal hour felt intolerable and because there was still work to do and because, if you were honest, you did not particularly want to run into Steve in an elevator while your anger was still sitting this close to the surface.
That plan failed at six-fourteen.
You walked out of the secure archive room with a stack of printouts in one arm and nearly collided with him just outside the glass corridor.
Steve stepped back immediately to make space. āSorry.ā
The stupid thing was that he sounded sincere.
Of course he did.
He had changed out of tactical gear. Dark henley, jacket, sleeves pushed up, hair dry and neat again. The cut at his jaw had been cleaned. If you had not put the bandage there yourself, you might have missed it entirely.
For one ugly second, all you could think was that your fingerprints were probably still on his skin under that strip and he was standing in the hallway looking at you like there was nothing intimate in the world between you at all.
You shifted the papers higher in your arm. āYouāre in my way.ā
One corner of his mouth moved, almost a smile. āGood to see you too.ā
There it was again ā that infuriating gentleness, as if your sharpness were weather and he had all the patience in the world for storms that never actually inconvenienced him.
You brushed past him.
āCan we talk?ā he asked.
You stopped.
Not because you wanted to. Because the request, quiet as it was, came with that familiar low pull in your chest. The one that remembered him in your bed, remembered the weight of him half-asleep and unguarded. The one that made leaving harder than anger should have.
You turned slowly. āAbout what?ā
His gaze held yours. āYou know what.ā
āNo,ā you said. āActually, I donāt. Narrow it down. The mission? Your debrief voice? Or the part where I get demoted to friend every time thereās oxygen in the room?ā
His expression changed by less than a degree, but you saw it. A flicker of caution. Maybe irritation.
āNot here,ā he said.
You almost laughed.
Of course not here. Never here. Never anywhere with witnesses, never anywhere that might force the issue into shared reality. Privacy, with Steve, had long since stopped meaning intimacy. It meant containment.
You adjusted the printouts in your arm and started walking again. He fell into step beside you.
By the time you reached one of the smaller empty conference rooms overlooking the west side of the city, your temper had sharpened into something more dangerous than heat. Heat burned out fast. This was cleaner. Controlled enough to cut with.
You set the papers on the table and turned to face him.
He shut the door behind him. Not locked. Just closed. Deliberate. Soft.
For a moment, neither of you spoke.
Steve stood near the door with his hands loose at his sides, shoulders broad beneath the dark fabric, face composed in that careful way you had begun to hate. Not cold. Never cold enough to justify the full extent of your resentment. Just measured. Considerate. Prepared for difficulty.
You crossed your arms.
āWell?ā
His eyes moved over your face, searching. For the right tone, maybe. The safest entry point. āYou were upset after the meeting.ā
You stared at him. āThank God youāre here. I never wouldāve solved that mystery alone.ā
A breath left him, not quite a sigh. āIām serious.ā
āSo am I.ā
He took a step closer. āTony was joking.ā
āYou think I care about Tony?ā
āNo.ā Steveās voice stayed even. āI think you care that I said you were a friend.ā
There it was. Plain enough to sting.
You looked at him for a long second. āDo you ever hear yourself?ā
His brow drew slightly. āWhat does that mean?ā
āIt means,ā you said, forcing your voice lower before it could spike, āthat you came to my apartment after one in the morning. You slept in my bed. Again. And then by noon I got to hear you call me your friend like thatās the whole story.ā
His jaw tightened, only briefly. āYou are my friend.ā
The laugh that escaped you had no warmth in it. āThat is insane.ā
āItās true.ā
āIs it your favorite part of the truth?ā you asked. āThe part you can say out loud without risking anything?ā
Steveās expression hardened by a fraction. āThatās not fair.ā
āThere it is,ā you said softly. āI was wondering how long it would take.ā
His eyes narrowed, not in anger exactly but in restraint under pressure. āIām not trying to fight with you.ā
āNo, youāre trying to smooth this over until I look unreasonable for being pissed.ā
āThatās not what Iām doing.ā
āReally? Because from where Iām standing, it looks exactly like what you always do.ā You uncrossed your arms and gestured between you. āYou come to me when things go bad. You stay. You let meā¦ā You cut yourself off before the sentence got too raw. āAnd then the second there are other people around, Iām your friend. Your colleague. Somebody safe and neutral and easy to explain.ā
He went still.
āItās better this way,ā he said at last.
You blinked at him. āThere it is.ā
Steve held your gaze. āYou know why.ā
āDo I?ā
āYes.ā
His certainty made something bright and ugly flare under your ribs. āEnlighten me, then.ā
His mouth flattened. āWe work together. We live in the same building. The team doesnāt needāā
āThe team doesnāt need what?ā you cut in. āTo know you sleep with the people you trust? To know Captain America has a private life? To know youāre capable of wanting something messy?ā
His voice did not rise. That only made it worse. āIt complicates things.ā
You stared at him. āFor who?ā
āFor everyone.ā
āThat is such bullshit.ā
He inhaled slowly, like a man choosing patience in the face of a problem designed to test it. You hated that too. Hated the way his calm made every spike in your voice sound like overreaction by comparison. Hated that you could already feel the argument slipping toward familiar territory, where your anger became the event and his choices remained abstract.
āIām not saying you donāt matter,ā he said.
You laughed again, sharper this time. āYou donāt get points for not saying the quiet part out loud.ā
His jaw flexed. āThatās not what I meant.ā
āNo,ā you snapped, āwhat you mean is always nicer than what you do.ā
Silence cracked between you.
For the first time since you shut the door, Steve looked tired instead of simply composed. Not exposed, not soft ā just worn around the edges by the conversation. If you had not known him so well in private, you might have mistaken it for vulnerability. But you did know him. You knew how often exhaustion and decency wore the same face on him. You knew how effectively he could make gentleness function like evasion.
When he spoke again, his tone was quieter. āI care about you.ā
And there it was.
That maddeningly partial thing. The sentence designed to sound intimate while answering nothing that mattered.
You actually pressed your lips together before you trusted yourself to speak. āYou cannot keep saying that like it means what I need it to mean.ā
His eyes sharpened. āI never said more than that.ā
That one hit.
Not because it was new. Because it was honest.
The words seemed to hang there in the room, plain and devastating. He had never lied outright. That was one of the reasons this hurt as badly as it did. He never promised you a future. Never asked for exclusivity. Never said you were anything official. He simply took every soft thing you offered in private and left you with the cheapest defensible version of it in public.
He watched the impact land in your face and, for one split second, looked like he regretted it.
Then he stayed where he was.
No apology. No step toward you. No attempt to call the cruelty by its name.
You nodded once. āRight.ā
āThatās not what Iāā
āNo, save it.ā You held up a hand. āYou donāt get to stand there and tell me I matter while making sure I never matter in any way that would cost you something.ā
His expression cooled, not dramatically but enough. āThatās not true.ā
āIsnāt it?ā
āIt isnāt.ā
āThen next time somebody says something, correct them.ā
He said nothing.
The room went very still.
You took a slow breath through your nose. āYeah,ā you said. āThatās what I thought.ā
Steveās mouth tightened. āYouāre asking me to make this public.ā
You stared at him. āIām asking you to stop acting like Iām some private coping mechanism you keep in your back pocket.ā
Color rose hot under your skin the moment the sentence left you. Not because it was wrong. Because it was too close.
He heard it too. You saw the impact in the brief shift of his eyes, the way something guilty and defensive crossed his face at the same time.
āThatās not what you are.ā
āThen what am I?ā
He opened his mouth.
Nothing came out.
For one insane second, hope rose anyway ā mean, stupid, involuntary. Hope that he might finally say something real because he had run out of polished alternatives.
Then Steve looked away.
That was worse than any answer.
You laughed, soft and disbelieving. āUnbelievable.ā
He brought his gaze back to you, frustration finally surfacing under the calm. āYouāre turning this into something bigger than it has to be.ā
There it was.
The shift.
The moment your pain stopped being a problem he might have contributed to and became, instead, an issue of scale. Tone. Management.
You felt your temper kick hard in your chest. āBigger than it has to be?ā
āYes.ā
āGod, you really do this every time.ā You stepped toward him then, not close enough to touch, just close enough that your anger no longer had to cross the room. āYou do exactly enough to make me feel insane for calling it what it is. You come to me when you canāt sleep, when you canāt shut your head off, when you want somewhere to fall apart where nobody can see you. You let me pick up every piece you donāt want the world looking at. And then you stand there and tell me Iām making it too big because I donāt enjoy being introduced like Iām just one more trusted friend in the building.ā
His face had gone very still.
āLower your voice,ā he said quietly.
You laughed in his face.
āOf course.ā The bitterness in your mouth tasted metallic. āThatās really the issue here.ā
āI didnāt say that.ā
āNo, you just always act like it.ā Your hands came up and then dropped again because if you pointed at him right now you were going to start shouting and you were not there yet, not quite. āI ask one real question, and suddenly Iām too emotional, too loud, too much. Meanwhile you get to stand there being calm and noble and disappointed in my tone.ā
Steveās eyes flashed. āIām not disappointed in your tone.ā
āYou should hear yourself.ā
āAnd you should hear yourself.ā
That did it.
You took another step closer, your pulse loud now, heat climbing your throat. āI hear myself perfectly. I sound like someone whoās tired of being good enough for your bed and not good enough for daylight.ā
The silence after that was absolute.
Steve looked like he had been slapped.
For one heartbeat, you felt it too ā the line crossed, the rawness of the truth exposed in a room too bright for it. But you could not take it back, and some dark part of you was glad.
His voice, when it came, was low and controlled to the point of strain. āThatās not fair.ā
You smiled, ugly and sharp. āYou really need a new sentence.ā
He looked away first this time, jaw set hard enough to show at the hinge. The hand at his side flexed once and stilled. You knew that tell. It meant he was angry and absolutely unwilling to let the anger show in any form that might become usable against him later.
When he turned back to you, the calm was back in place. Worse than before now, because you had seen the effort that built it.
āIām not doing this with you while youāre upset.ā
You actually recoiled half an inch, not physically so much as internally. There it was. The move. The cleanest, cruelest one of all. Not yelling. Not cruelty. Just enough dismissal wrapped in composure to make you look like the unstable variable in an otherwise rational equation.
āWow,ā you said softly. āThatās⦠wow.ā
His expression did not change. āIām serious.ā
āNo, I know you are.ā You nodded once, hard, because suddenly if you did not move you were going to break something. āThatās what makes it so disgusting.ā
Something flickered in his face then ā hurt, maybe, genuine this time ā but you were too angry to care.
You stepped back, reached for the stack of printouts you had abandoned on the table, and gathered them with shaking hands you hoped he did not notice.
āAre we done?ā you asked.
āDonāt do that.ā
āDo what?ā
āThis.ā
You laughed, too bright. āYouāre gonna have to be more specific. Apparently I make everything bigger than it is.ā
His mouth tightened. āYou know I didnāt mean it like that.ā
āYou always mean it in some nicer version that magically leaves me feeling exactly the same.ā
āThatās not true.ā
You looked up at him. āThen tell me Iām wrong.ā
He said nothing.
Again.
And because you were not going to cry in front of him ā not in a conference room, not under that maddeningly controlled stare, not while he still had the nerve to look wounded by your reaction to his choices ā you hitched the papers higher against your chest and moved for the door.
Steve caught your wrist before you got there.
Not hard. Never hard. Just enough to stop you.
Your entire body locked.
For one terrible second, neither of you moved.
His hand was warm. Familiar. The same hand that had been on your waist in the dark, the same grip that could make you feel steadied or trapped depending on the hour. He seemed to realize all at once what that contact meant here, in this room, in the wake of everything you had just said, because his fingers loosened immediately.
But not before it hurt.
āDonāt leave like this,ā he said.
You turned your head slowly and looked down at his hand on your wrist, then up at his face.
āLike what?ā you asked. Your voice came out frighteningly calm. āAs your friend?ā
Steve let go.
The look on his face then ā God. Not guilt exactly. Not enough. Something more helpless, maybe, or more frustrated, as if you had dragged both of you to the edge of a thing he had no intention of naming and resented you for making visible.
You pulled the door open.
āNext time,ā you said without looking back, āpick one.ā
Then you left him standing in the conference room with all his careful restraint and nowhere to put it.
Outside, the hallway felt too bright.
You made it halfway to the elevators before Maya appeared from nowhere like a vulture with excellent instincts and a clearance badge.
āOh, absolutely not,ā she said, taking one look at your face. āWho do I need to kill?ā
You jabbed the elevator button hard enough to make it regret existing. āNo one.ā
āThat answer has never been less convincing.ā
The doors opened. You stepped inside. Maya followed, because of course she did.
She looked at the papers clutched against your chest, then at you, then at the sealed expression you had arranged over your face with sheer force. āWas it Rogers?ā
You said nothing.
āThatās a yes.ā
You laughed once, short and ugly. āI need everyone in this building to develop a serious fear of minding their own business.ā
Mayaās eyebrows climbed. āThat bad?ā
The elevator began to descend. Glass walls flashed by in strips of silver and gold.
You stared straight ahead. āNo,ā you said after a moment, your voice flat enough to sound almost calm. āThatās the problem.ā
Because bad would have been easier.
Cruel in the obvious ways would have been easier. Shame, dismissal, anything ugly enough to point at. Instead, Steve kept doing what he always did: taking too much in private and leaving behind something perfectly defensible in public.
Something that made you look dramatic for calling it by any harsher name.
When the elevator doors opened onto your floor, you stepped out without another word. Maya let you go.
Back at your desk, the screens still glowed with maps and profiles and all the hidden architecture of disaster. Somewhere above you, in another wing, Steve Rogers was almost certainly already back to being everything the world expected of him ā steady, kind, impossible to fault. Maybe he was training. Maybe he was in another meeting. Maybe he was telling someone thank you in that same low voice he used when he wanted to sound sincere without promising anything.
You sat down, set the papers beside your keyboard, and tried to focus on the work.
For a while, you almost managed it.
Then your gaze snagged on the mission schematic still open on the far-left monitor, and all you could think was that at three in the morning he had stood in your apartment looking hollowed out, let you touch the damage no one else ever got to see, and by lunchtime he had reduced you to something safe enough to say in a room full of people.
Friend.
You leaned back slowly in your chair and stared at the city beyond the glass.
That was the real cruelty of Steve, you thought.
Not that he lied.
That he never had to.
He only took the parts of you that could survive in private, then left you the cleanest possible version of the truth in public and trusted his own decency to make the difference sound unreasonable.
And the worst part ā the part that made you angrier than anything else ā was that by tomorrow night, if he knocked on your door looking tired enough, some traitorous piece of your heart would still remember the man who came apart only with you.
Which meant the damage was not just what he was doing.
It was that you still wanted what he only ever gave in the dark.
āKnow I wanna beat it, wanna beat it bad
Oh, everyone looks happy in a photograph
I've crossed the county line, I cannot go back
I'm always on my own.ā
-All Them Horses, Noah Kahan
summary: your family is in town for the annual āparents berating their kids for their decisionsā get together. jack overhears you talking about how much easier it would be if you had a boyfriend to shove in their face, and offers his services. No strings attached, of course.
wc: 15.7k (steak is too juicy lobster is too buttery)
tags/tropes: jack falls first and harder, reader is an eldest daughter (but not the eldest child) to a large judgmental family who are constantly disappointed in her, jack pretty much uses the fake dating as a chance to show reader what a good boyfriend he COULD be to her if she let herself have nice things, jack 'i'll pay for it' abbot, jack is YEARNING in this one, a teeny bit of mean dom jack as a treat
a/n: how are we all feeling about the latest noah kahan album. Doors is great. i do NOT repeat timestamp 2:14-2:21 of All Them Horses. iām normal and can be trusted with noah kahanās discography. this fic was supposed to be crossposted on ao3 at the time of post but ao3 crashed and i lost all of my tagging and uploading process so im saving that. for later. when it is POSTED it will be linked below :)
acknowledgements: thank you @wesandresons for the amazing gif and @saradika-graphics, @chrisssiren, and @uzmacchiato for the dividers! and thank you @leeknowpegger for your work in keeping up morale and being deranged with me
masterlist
āYour familyās in town?ā
Youāre at the nurses station, tucked into a corner with your head in your hands while Shen, of course, drinks what has to be his third Dunkin coffee of the day. Where heās getting them is one of the worldās strangest unsolved mysteries.Ā
You canāt see his face, on account of the heels of your hands being pressed into your eyes so hard stars are bursting and swirling behind your eyelids, but you can hear the grimace in his tone.Ā
āYeah. I moved out here to get away from them, but they decided to host the annual family dinner circuit here in Pittsburgh instead. My mom always complains about how itās such a huge imposition to have the entire family fly out, but I never asked to do it and offered to just fly to them on multiple occasions. Apparently, my work schedule is too hard to work around.ā
āDinner circuit?ā
You wave a hand. āItās actually a lunch circuit now, since I work nights. Basically, for every single day that theyāre here everybody has to attend a lunch, no matter what. Most of the time theyāre at different restaurants, but sometimes my mom demands to have them at my place.ā
āYikes,ā The attending says, sipping on the last bits of his coffee, āAnd the whole successful doctor thing doesnāt work on them? It got my parents off my back.ā
You shake your head. āIām the only doctor in the family, but they thought I shouldāve been a hospitalist or go into general surgery.ā
The sound of ice being shaken in a plastic cup rings in your ears. āThereās money in emergency medicine. Eventually.āĀ
āThereās money in all medicine eventually,ā You groan, lifting your head and leaning against the wall, blinking dazedly up at the flickering fluorescent lights. āIām sure if I'd picked general surgery they wouldāve found a problem with that too.ā
āSo your fucked, basically.ā
Your eyes slip shut again. āYep. Anything short of showing up with a rich boyfriend and a promise of grandkids on the way wonāt get my mom off my back.ā
Shen clasps you on the shoulder. āBest of luck with that. Youāre the only intern the night shift has got, so weād rather you donāt off yourself via poisoned wine.āĀ
āI wouldnāt do poison. Iād choke on bread so theyād have to live with the guilt of not being able to save me.ā
āJesus fuck, man. I mean, clearly, they suck, but thatās brutal.ā
You shrug. āNot as brutal as my mom not coming to my med school graduation.ā
He gapes. āWhat reason could she have possibly had for not showing up?ā
āI told her at dinner the night before that I was going into emergency medicine.ā
āThatāsā¦ā Shen trails off, flabbergasted, āā¦Wow. Now I'm worried youāre going to kill one of them.ā
āWay too much effort. They arenāt worth the jail time.ā
The attending tosses his now empty coffee in a nearby trash can. āWell, if you snap and kill them all in a fit of extremely valid rage, please donāt call me. I canāt afford to be implicated.ā
āYou saying I canāt hide a body myself?ā
āIām saying I canāt hide a body.ā
āWhoās hiding bodies?ā Jack says, sidling up to the two of you with a tablet and a chart open in his hand.Ā
Shen jams a thumb in your direction. āSheās killing her parents later today.āĀ
You roll your eyes. āIām not. Honestly, so long as I agree with whatever my mom says and donāt bring up any trigger topics, Iāll be fine.ā
Jack snorts. āYouāre describing being held hostage by someone mentally unstable.ā
āDr. Intern?ā Ellis interrupts, using the stupid nickname Santos picked for you when she found out youāre the only PGY1 on the night shift, āThereās a woman in the lobby here to see you. Says sheās your mom.ā
Your stomach drops to your feet and your heart seizes in your chest. āItās six in the morning. Oh my god. Oh my god.ā
Someone behind you says āHoly shit,ā but youāre already gone. As youāre speed walking you whip out your phone, checking the dates of their flights that youād only had a chance to skim andā fuck. They got in an hour ago. Why the fuck would she stop here? At the PTMC?
You practically slam the doors open and make eye contact with your mom across the crowded lobby.Ā
āMom?āĀ
āThere you are sweetie. I was trying to explain that thereās nothing wrong with me and I was here to see you, but they wouldnāt let me. Something about a security issue?ā
āItās not safe. Weāve had incidents in the pastāā
She waves a hand, dismissing you. āIām your mother. Honestly, I wouldnāt have had to come down here if youād just respond to my texts.āĀ
āIāve told you mom, Iām really busy here and I donāt get very much time to look at my phoneāā
āYour brothers take the time out of their busy schedules to text me back,ā She sighs, then continues on, āDid you get time off this week for dinner?ā
You frown. āI thought we were having lunch.ā
āWell, I figured since weāre all making it easier for your work schedule to come to you, you could manage to take a few days off for your family. But if we need to make an extra effortāā
āItās fine, mom,ā You tell her with a gritted-toothed smile, āI can make something work. Can you just send me the dates again?ā
āItās this Friday and Saturday.ā
Before you can even open your mouth to respond, a large, warm hand settles on your shoulder. Accompanied by the hand is a steadying one on your lower back, a familiar, rich scent and a low voice.Ā
āCan I help you, maāam?āĀ
Jack.Ā
Jack fucking Abbot.Ā
Hottest man in the ED. Probably in the world.
Your mom blinks, clearly caught off guard, before regaining her judgy senses and narrowing her eyes at him.Ā
āIām trying to have a conversation with my daughter. Donāt tell me youāre security.ā
You know for a fact that Jack has his stethoscope around his neck and his keycard in his scrub pocket that says āDOCTORā on it, so your momās just being bitchy. Figures.Ā
Jackās hand in your shoulder gives you a tiny, reassuring squeeze before he speaks.Ā
āIām Dr. Abbot,ā He sticks out a hand for her to shake, the one that was on your shoulder, āIām an attending here at the ED.ā
And my boss, you mentally add. Your mom probably hears it anyway.Ā
āYou work with my daughter?ā
āYes maāam. Sheās the most promising intern we have here on the night shift.ā
Your lips twitch at his words. Heās joking. Testing your motherā youāre the only PGY1 on the night shift. If your mom remembers that, sheāll pick up on his joke.Ā
She doesnāt. She purses her lips for a moment before giving him one of her big, fake smiles.Ā
āWell thatās good to hear. Weāre very proud of her.ā
Proud of the money I send home, maybe.Ā
āIf youāll excuse us, I need her working on patients.ā
āOh yes, of course,ā Your mom gushes, clearly already charmed by Jack. He has that effect on people. āI didnāt realize she was so important and busy here.ā
You would if youād ever let me talk about work before interrupting me and telling me what I should be doing better.Ā
Jackās thumb makes tiny sweeping motions on your lower back, little tingling motions that distract you enough to unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders.Ā
āIāll text you as soon as I can, okay mom?ā
Your mom sweeps you into a hug, a rare show of affection. Putting on a show for Jack, more than likely.Ā
āNo rush. Whenever you get the chance, sweetheart.ā
Jack gives her a parting nod, but you wait until your momās turned around and walking out of the lobby before allowing Jack to steer you back inside.Ā
The second the doors close behind you and youāre enveloped in the sounds and smells of the heart of the PTMC, you shut your eyes and release a long exhale.Ā
āI,ā You start, āAm so sorry. I never thought sheād show up here, I got the flight times mixed upāā
āHey,ā Jackās voice is low and steady, a much needed anchor. He uses the hand still on your lower back to turn you towards him, āNone of that was your fault. We deal with patients like that every day. It is not your job to keep your mother in line.ā
āI know. I know. Still, Iām sorry. She can be⦠difficult.ā
He snorts. āUnderstatement of the year. But seriously. Donāt worry about it. If I didnāt want to get involved with her, I wouldnāt have swooped in there.ā
You huff a laugh. āMy hero. Iām pretty sure if youād introduced yourself as my boyfriend she wouldāve had an aneurysm. Or a heart attack.ā
āAre those desired outcomes?ā
āMostly.ā
He slides his hands into his pockets and leans against the opposite wall. āMight be worth a shot, then.ā
Itās a very well kept secret that youāve harbored an embarrassing, āthink about him while youāre falling asleep at nightā crush on Jack.Ā
So naturally, your response is to laugh. Loudly. And semi-awkwardly. Because he has to be joking. Obviously.
āYeah, right,ā You say, looking down at your feet because eye-contact has never been your forte and Jackās gaze is too intense, āCould even take you to dinner with me. Maybe my dad would have a heart attack too. Really just wipe out the whole family.ā
āYou could.ā
āWipe out my entire family?ā
āTake me to dinner with you.ā
Jackās body is relaxed and his tone is even. Not light and humor-filled. Thereās no mischievous uptick to the corner of his lips. He looks like heās serious.Ā
āAre you joking?ā
He canāt really be serious. Heās probably just fucking with you. He wouldnāt actuallyā
āNo.ā
You run a hand over your hair. āYeah, sure, laugh it up, hahaāā
āIāll go to dinner with you. As your boyfriend.ā
What. The. Fuck.Ā
āNo.ā You gape, incredulous.Ā
āNo?ā He raises an eyebrow.Ā
āNo, I meanā fuck. Dr. Abbotāā
āJack.āĀ
You purse your lips. āJack. You canāt just⦠pretend to be my boyfriend at a family lunch.ā
āWhy not?ā
āWhy not?ā You sputter, āFor one, we hardly know each otherāā
āYouāve been working here for three months. Weāre hardly strangers.ā
āYouāre my boss, your way older than me, youāreāā You cut yourself off before you can say something embarrassing like āyouāre ridiculously fucking hot and I havenāt washed my socks in monthsā, āIt wouldnāt even be believable. How would we even have met?ā
āIn the ED, obviously.ā
āHow long have we been together?ā
āMonth and a half.ā
āWhy are we even dating?ā
āBecause youāre a beautiful and intelligent woman, not to mention a good doctor.ā
Your mouth goes dry, and your stomach does an entire gymnastics routine.Ā
āHave you⦠thought about this?āĀ
He makes a noncommittal hum, tilts his head back a bit. āWould it work?ā
āAre you rich?āĀ
Thereās that devilish, pants dropping smile.Ā
āIām a senior attending on night shifts in an emergency department. Iām comfortable.ā
You worry your lip between your teeth. āI still canāt⦠I appreciate the offer, but I canāt subject you to my family. No one else should have to suffer through these lunches and dinners.ā
āBut you do?ā
āTheyāre my family.āĀ
Jack doesnāt respond, but he doesnāt move off the wall and walk away either. Distantly, you really hope a patient isnāt coding somewhere.Ā
You sigh. āWhy would you even offer, anyway?āĀ
āYou need help, and Iām in a position to give it. Plus life has been kind of boring recently. My therapist told me to pick a new hobby that doesnāt involve people dying or getting shot at.ā
āSo you thought spending an evening being subjected to backhanded questions, comments, and not very subtle micro-aggressions was a good substitute?ā
āBeats drinking beer in the park.ā
You canāt say yes. Itās crazy. One, it would make your crush a million times worse and you might never recover on that fact alone, and two, when this inevitably blows up in your face, your family will never let you live it down and bring it up in literally every conversation for the rest of your life.Ā
On the other hand, if it works, it will work. Your mom would probably get off your back for a while. You wouldnāt be a complete and total disappointment. If it works, it would be a much needed win.Ā
āSo. Weāve been dating for a month and a half?ā
Jack nods, another smile playing at his lips. āI asked you out, of course.ā
āFlowers?ā
āNaturally.ā
āYou pay?āĀ
āFor every meal.ā
āWhatās my favorite color?ā
āNavy blue. Mine?āĀ
You roll your eyes. āBlack. What are we going to tell my mom when she pokes at the age gap?ā
Someone rushes by, pager beeping, and you both wordlessly start moseying towards your respective patients.Ā
āWill she really be that upset about it?ā
āProbably not, but sheāll definitely ask about it. My dad will probably be angry, but heās easier to placate than my mom is.ā
Jack hums thoughtfully. āWhenās the lunch today?ā
āTwelve-thirty, at that Italian place that has that mussel dish.ā
āHow about this,ā He starts, apparently not needing anymore clarification on the location, āLets focus on finishing our shifts right now. Then go home, get some sleep, and Iāll pick you up at eleven so you can pick my brain for every detail that you want to make this work. Deal?ā
Last chance to back out. Say hell no, this is a crazy idea, why would you even volunteer for it, I changed my mind.Ā
āDeal.ā
ā
Holy fucking shit. Jack Abbot is your boyfriend.Ā
Fake boyfriend. But for the next few hours, heās as good as yours. Kind of.
In a way.Ā
Youāre standing in front of your bathroom mirror, dressed in the outfit you picked out for the stupid lunch when your mom texted you the plane ticket details a month ago.
Neither your makeup nor your hair are cooperating and you really need them to because you have to be perfect, so you need your mascara and stop clumping and your hair to stop laying like that and you just donāt want to fucking go.Ā
Before frustration induced tears can ruin your half-done makeup, a knock sounds at the door.Ā
You rush through your apartment, nearly cracking your skull open on the corner of the couch when you trip over a stray shoe.
Shit, heās here and youāre not ready, god heās going to be so upset you have to make him wait itās so rudeā
āHi!ā You swing open the door and plaster what you hope is a cute-frazzled smile and not a panicked one. Itās a thin line between the two, āIām almost ready, Iām so sorry, you can come in and sit down wherever, I promise I wonāt take too long to finish up. Sorry.ā
You turn, unable to bear the anger or frustration on his face and dart away (an old methodā hiding and disappearing is much better for everyone in the long run) but a hand encircles your wrist before you can successfully escape.Ā
āWoah, easy girl. Nobodyās mad at you. We have time, remember?ā
Your smile is definitely coming across as panicked.Ā
Your nails wander and find a hangnail to pick at while you talk. āI know, but that was so weād have time to plan and itās rude to make you wait and I really need time to plan, but I canāt get my makeup to look rightāā
Jack nudges you into the house and you cut yourself off with another apology. Right. Cause heās just standing in the hallway and youāre rambling on like someone deranged. God. Why canāt your brain just work? Get into gear? Actually function properly?
āFirst of all,ā Jack starts, gently steering you towards your couch, āYou look beautiful.ā
Why does he have to say these things? Has he no care for what heās doing to your heart? Is he unaware that Simone Biles would be impressed with the flip routine your stomach is currently doing?Ā
He places a throw pillow in your hands which were previously clenched in your lap. Itās your favorite throw pillow, actually, because the texture is very soothing. You squeeze it and rub your fingers across the grain.Ā
āSecondly, we donāt have to do this if you donāt want to. I can go home and go to bed and if you want, Iāll never bring it up again. Not even to Robby.ā
You crack a wobbly smile. āNot even to Nurse Evans?ā
āSheād probably guess on her own, but I would never confirm her suspicions.āĀ
You tuck your feet under your legs, shrinking into the corner of your couch. āI couldnāt even if I wanted to. I already texted my mom to add a person to the reservation, and if I show up without a plus one thereāll be hell to pay.ā
āYou could swap me with someone else?ā
āDo you think I would have agreed to let my boss be my fake boyfriend if I had someone else to bring?ā
The corner thread of your throw pillow has begun unraveling, and your wandering fingers pull and tug at it erratically.Ā
āIām sorry. Iām not usually this neurotic, I swear. My family brings out the worst in me.ā
āI aināt judging, sweetheart,ā Jack soothes, āBesides. Weāre ER doctors. Weāre all a little neurotic.ā
Steadfastly avoiding his gaze (again, just a little too knowing, like he can see every insecurity youāre trying to hide) you stand on shaky legs and rush to the bathroom.Ā
āIāll just. Finish up. Sorry again.ā
āIām gonna start a tally of unnecessary sorryās. Youāre gonna owe me an hour of overtime for each one.ā
Oddly enough, getting ready (the rest of the way) feels much more manageable and much less difficult with Jack nearby. He doesnāt critique how long it takes you, the fact that you change earrings three times, or tell you that you look good enough and should just go.Ā
He just hangs out in your living room, on the couch, practically oozing calm and nonchalance. The foolish, romance-starved part of you wants to cancel on your mom and spend the rest of the day curled up next to him on the couch, like a cat. Lazily dozing while Jack watches TV or something sounds like a much better way to spend your time after work than experiencing all five stages of grief over the course of one lunch. Repeatedly.Ā
Finally ready, and with your sanity intact thanks to Jack, you pause by the kitchen and debate the merits of taking a shot to loosen your nerves. Unfortunately, your mom would undoubtedly somehow smell the alcohol on you and no doubt chew you out for a minimum of twenty minutes. Heaven forbid you make the event bearable.
Ever the kind host, you peek your head around the kitchen wall. āDo you want a shot, Jack?ā
āYouāre aware that Iām fifty?ā
Right. That's probably an unhinged question.
āJust thought Iād offer,ā You say, meekly tucking the bottle back under the shelf, slightly embarrassed, āSometimes alcohol is the only way I can survive these things.ā
Heās leaned up against the couch, hands in his pockets when you exit the kitchen. āIt was very considerate, thank you. But I think the days of vodka and tequila shots are behind me. Iām more of a whiskey man, anyways.ā
āIāll keep that in mind when we end up at a bar afterwards to drink away memories of the lunch.ā
Jack raises an eyebrow. āYou act like weāre going to be hung, drawn, and quartered after showing up.ā
You worry your bottom lip between your teeth. āSorry. I just donāt want you to be unprepared, because theyāre not always bad but when theyāre bad theyāre bad, you know? And I just donāt want to scare you off, and ruin the day you could be spending sleeping, and I really am thankful, by the way, I just donātāā
āDo you always ramble when youāre worried?ā Jack interrupts, tilting his head to the side.
āUm. No? I donāt know. I try not to. But like I said. My family brings out the worst in me.ā
He searches your face for a moment, then taps the underside of your chin with a crooked finger, raising it slightly.Ā
āWe got this, okay? Iām not easy to scare. Combat med vet, remember? Plus, if it really gets that bad, Iāll fake a call from the hospital. Say there was some horrible accident and weāre being called in.ā
āWonāt my mom get wise when she never hears it on the news?ā
Jack shrugs. āItās the city. Something horrible is always happening here.ā
He holds the front door open for you when youāve got your shoes on and purse ready, but as youāre sliding past him, he leans down, the angle of his jaw almost brushing the side of your neck, and breathes in deeply.Ā
āYou smell good.āĀ
Fuck the gymnastics routine. Your stomach is going for Olympic Gold.Ā
āOh,ā You exhale, a shiver running up your spine and a pleasant tingling sparking where your skin barely brushed his, āUhā Thanks. Vanilla and spice. I like layering scents.ā
āItās nice. Suits you.āĀ
You manage to squeak out another awkward āThanksā before hastily locking the door, hoping he canāt tell just how flustered he keeps making you. Judging by the smile playing at his lips, your hopes are in vain.Ā
The car ride to the restaurant is longer than it should be, on account of Pittsburgh traffic, but the time goes by quickly as you pepper Jack with questions to prepare for the million and one that your mother will no doubt ask.Ā
(āWhat should I say if she asks if weāve slept together?ā
āDo you really, honestly, truly think your mother is going to bring up the topic of sex at the table, in a nice restaurant, with your entire family present?ā
āFair point.ā)
By the time you arrive, youāve picked and torn every single hangnail and loose cuticle around your fingers down to raw flesh and tiny dots of blood. Jack parks the car (parallel parks easily in one go, no repositioning needed, in downtown Pittsburgh. Itās one of the hottest things youāve ever seen in your life) a good distance away from the restaurant, so that your family wouldnāt be able to see you if you decided to flee to his car to escape them.Ā
At least, thatās what he says.Ā
āI want you to hang onto the car keys, okay? If they get too much, you can sneak out through the kitchen and go to the car. Iāll meet you there.ā
You canāt help but smile at his efforts. āAnd what will you be doing while Iām sneaking out?ā
āSinging your praises, of course.ā
Exhaustion from the shift you worked in what seems like a lifetime ago lines your limbs, but as you step out of the car (through the door Jack insists on opening for you āIn case theyāre still watching,ā) and loop your arm through Jackās, you feel⦠almost capable.Ā
The lunch is going to suck. Thatās a given. But Jack assured you heās seen worse (āProbably done worse, sweetheart,ā) and will not leave the lunch in a fit of rage and cause a scene. His arm is firm and solid āand fucking huge, how are his biceps that bigā under your arm, and his presence is steadying.Ā
As you cross the street and begin your final walk towards the building, he un-loops his arm from yours, but after you make a questioning noise in your throat, worried youād be completely untethered (how pathetic to already be this reliant on a man, but thereās no time to unpack that now) but instead he wraps his arm around your waist instead, drawing you to his side and effectively grounding you to his body.Ā
The entire left side of your body lights up at the contact, and if this were your apartment, it would be very difficult to refrain from climbing him like a tree or doing something equally embarrassing, like plastering yourself to his side and begging him to never stop touching you.Ā
Youāve almost managed to come off unaffected, but then he leans down, lips almost brushing your ear, and whispers:Ā
āYouāve got this, baby. And if you donāt, I do.ā
Forget your family. Jack Abbot is going to be the death of you.Ā
When you walk into the restaurant, hyper-aware of Jackās grip on your body (your delusional mind has you thinking how⦠possessive the hand almost feels, if you ignore the fact that this is all fake) your family is waiting in the foyer, talking amongst themselves.Ā
Your mother immediately zeroes in on you. āHoney, weāve talked about you being on time to these things. You canāt be late to important familyāā
You watch in real time as your motherās gaze finally flicks to Jack, and the shades of recognition, shock, almost disgust, and confusion before settling back into forced pleasantness.Ā
Your father, however, looks downright murderous. Looks like the age gap isnāt going down too well.Ā
If Jack is at all nervous or put off by the several stares and outright glares from your family, he does not show it. He exudes cool confidence, the same unflappable energy he has during chaotic night shifts. The same calm that makes him so alluring to you in the first place.Ā
He sticks out his hand for your mother to shake, a mirror of earlier that day in the PTMC lobby.Ā
āI believe weāve met before, but Iāll introduce myself again. Iām Dr. Jack Abbot.ā
Your mother shakes his hand, but looks between the two of you like youāve just spilled wine on her Persian rug that she canāt afford in the first place.Ā
āYouāre my daughterās plus one?ā
Jack nods. āHer boyfriend, yes.ā
Your brotherās gape. Your dadās glare intensifies. You want to kiss Jack.Ā
āHoney,ā Your mother says, gaze darting to you, āYou didnāt sayāā
āI didnāt want you to meet him at the hospital,ā You tell her, hoping the lie doesnāt come across as too rehearsed, since you did rehearse it several times with Jack in the car on the way over, āThe lobby of the hospital isnāt the best place to introduce people. And we really did have patients to get back to.ā
Your mother purses her lips. āWhy the last minute addition? If youād told me that he was coming before today, it wouldāve been easier to make the reservation.ā
Jack is quicker to respond than you. āThatās my fault, actually. I didnāt think I was going to be able to come, what with my shifts as a senior attending, but when we met in the lobby I understood how important it was to make the time.ā
You have to try hard not to smile at Jackās not-so-subtle flex. Senior attending.Ā
āYes, well. My daughter doesnāt always stress the importance of these things.āĀ
Jackās grip on your waist tightens ever-so-slightly at the backhanded remark, and your motherās gaze darts to the point of contact. But your father jerks his head towards the tables before she can say anything. āIām starving.ā
Everyone files in behind him, with you and Jack at the back of the line. Again, he leans down to whisper to you.Ā
āHowād I do?ā
You elbow him in the side. āWeāll discuss your performance after this is over.ā
āLooking forward to it.āĀ
The hostess leads everyone over to a large table near a window (your mother is particularly about seating) and everyone finds a seat. One of your brothers, either as a test or just to be a shit (your moneyās on the latter) slides into the open seat next to you before Jack can.Ā
To his credit, Jack doesnāt cause a scene, but he doesnāt back down either. He just stares at your idiot brother for awhile before finally asking:Ā
āDo you really wanna do this right now?ā
Your brother must sense that Jack Abbot is not a man to be fucked with (just a man you want to fuck), and scurries to his own seat, tail between his legs.Ā
Once everyone is seated and the food is ordered (you donāt bother ordering anything other than the salad; Jack orders the most expensive thing on their menu. Heās never seemed like one to care for finery and expensive Italian restaurants where you practically have to order in Italian, but again, his unfazed demeanor makes him fit in anywhere) your family immediately begins peppering him with questions. Questions you knew theyād ask and appropriately prepared him for.Ā
āSo. Dr. Abbotāā
āJust Jack is fine.ā
āāHow long have the two of you been dating?ā
āA month and a half.ā
āWhyād you start dating?ā
You take a generous gulp of your wine.Ā
āBecause your daughter is an incredible woman and an even better doctor.ā
āDo you think sheās pretty?ā One of your brothers chimes in.Ā
Jack takes it in stride, despite that not being a question you prepared. āIād have to be blind and stupid if I didnāt.ā
You feel hot from the tips of your ears down to your toes.Ā
Thatās going in the mental folder.Ā
āHave you always wanted to be a doctor?ā
āPretty much. Took a bit of a detour as a combat medic first, though.ā
āWhyād you leave?āĀ
āHonorably discharged after I lost my right leg. Below the knee amputation.ā
You drain the rest of your glass and inconspicuously motion to the waiter for more wine.Ā
The table is silent for the customary length of time after someone drops the āgot a limb chopped offā bomb. Your family is clearly mildly uncomfortable, but Jack just keeps sipping his drink, his free hand drifting down and brushing the side of your thigh.
Your dad clears his throat. Here we go. Home stretch. Final questions before weāre in the clear.Ā
āMr. Abbotāā
āEither Doctor or Jack works.āĀ
Ooo. There was some bite in that one.Ā
Your Dad frowns. He does not like to be interrupted or corrected. Youāve been on the receiving end of far too many hour long lectures (read: berating and borderline verbal abuse) to know better.Ā
But Jack isnāt his daughter. Jack is pretty much his equal. Actually, the fact that Jack not only served but is now a doctor places him above your father, by social conventions.Ā
This no doubt infuriates your father. Heās always hated it when he couldnāt tear somebody down to his level. A true coward.Ā
āJack,ā Your dad continues, a trademarked forced smile to save face, āYouāre a smart man, yeah? Havenāt you ever considered the age difference between the two of you might be a little much?āĀ
Yikes. Questioning Jackās competency is not the way to go. Jack is very competent. And smart. And capable. Itās really hot.Ā
Your fake-boyfriend just reaches over and grasps your hand, over the table, and looks at you with such devotion in his eyes that you forget how to breathe.Ā
āWar doesnāt really lend to longevity. Iāve learned to hold on tight to things I care about.āĀ
For a moment, it doesnāt feel fake. Thereās raw, punched emotion in his voice, and his thumb rubs your hand gently. Like he really does care that much. Like he wants to hold on.Ā
But then your brother fake-gags and your fake boyfriend looks away with that, heās passed the tests, and the conversation moves onto to different topics. Jack laughs at all the right moments, doesnāt bring up any argument-starting topics, doesnāt rise to bait when itās thrown his way.Ā
Heās perfect.Ā
Eventually lunch is drawn to a polite close. You have one last glass of wine while Jack settles the bill. Himself. With one card. He doesnāt even look.Ā
Your mom sends a smirk your way after he waves off your fatherās attempt at splitting the bill or offering to pay. Itās probably the third time sheās actually looked at you for the entire duration of the lunch, but since itās positive, youāll let it slide.Ā
Pretty soon bags are grabbed, hands are shook, and Jackās hand magically finds its way back to your lower back and youāre being (very gently) escorted out of the restaurant and to the car.Ā
āWow,ā You breathe as you slide into the passenger seat of his car. āI think thatās the smoothest a lunch with my family has ever gone in my entire life. Youāre really good at this.ā
Jack doesnāt respond though. Doesnāt make any kind of noise that he heard you. His hands are nearly white knuckled on the steering wheel and heās staring straight ahead.Ā
āJack?āĀ
āThey didnāt even talk to you.ā
You blink.Ā
āWhat?ā
āYour family never tried to include you in the conversation. Didnāt even ask you any questions.ā
You snort. āTrust me, itās better that way.ā
He hasnāt started the car yet, just keeps staring off into the middle ground. He canāt be old enough to start doing a thousand yard stare already, right?
āYou ordered a salad.ā He says, a very prominent frown on his lips.Ā
āSo? It wasnāt too expensive, was it? I swear, if I knew you were gonna pay for the whole bill I wouldāve looked at something cheaper, I donāt know why salads are so expensiveāā
āPlease donāt apologize for ordering a salad,ā Jack says, voice pained, āEspecially because I know you hate salads.ā
Oh.Ā
āHow do you know that?ā
āI overheard you talking to Dr. King that time you two were discussing the merits of Olive Garden. You said the salad there was the only kind you like, because of the dressing and the pepperoncinis.ā
Your cheeks heat. āI never said I hated all salads. I said I like that one in particular.ā
āYou hardly ate anything during lunch.ā
āMy family tends to have that effect on my appetite.ā
Jack does not look placated. He doesnāt take the out that your little joke provides. Doesn't so much as huff. He looks upset. Distressed.Ā
Something about what he said goes ding! in your mind.
āā¦Mel and I had that conversation like, last month. You seriously remembered that?āĀ
He frowns harder, like the answer to your partly rhetorical question should be obvious.
(Itās not. Why would he remember that conversation? Why would he care at all?)
āOf course I remember.āĀ
There isnāt much to say after that. Youāre not really sure what in particular has upset Jack, what possibly blunder or error youāve made to incur him going completely monosyllabic and frowny. Ever eager to appease, you refrain from any attempts to cajole him, make conversation, breathe too loudly, or make any kind of indication that youāre still present.Ā
The tension in the car is thick and uncomfortable. It prickles at your skin and the hairs on the back of your neck, but the only thing you dare to do is scroll through Pinterest, only looking at the safest, basic boards in case Jack glances over (he doesnāt.)
But then he does glance over. He just doesnāt look at your phone.Ā
Jack just keeps looking at you.Ā
Heāll look over, eyes darting over your face like heās looking for something, and then heāll look away. Over and over for almost the entire course of the drive. He only stops when you accidentally time your staring (monitoring) of him wrong and make eye contact.Ā
He parks by your place (he once again sexily parallel parks with ease) and then puts the car in park. And then he starts talking.Ā
āYouāre so much more than them.āĀ
Jack has the heat on, but the air in the car suddenly feels cold.Ā
āWhat?ā
āYour family,ā Jack clarifies, like that was the confusing part āYour parents. I hated watching you⦠disappear like that. You deserve better than that. You are better than that.āĀ
You try to swallow, almost choking on the sudden lump in your throat.Ā
āListen,ā You start, unaware of how to even begin processing what he said, let alone formulating the best response because your brain is just flashing abort! Abort! Abort! in big neon letters,, āThank you for today. I really appreciate it. But if this is all just too much, I can handle things from here. Really. I can say that someone called out and you had to cover shiftsāā
āNo.ā
Jack says it with such vehemence, bordering on vitriol, that it startles you, and you flinch backwards ever so slightly.Ā
An old habit.Ā
Something flashes across his face āgone before you can decipher itā and he noticeably forces himself calmer.Ā Ā
āI wouldnāt be able to live with myself if I let you go alone again. Ever.āĀ
Your brain starts short-circuiting at his words. āI really canāt ask you toāā
āItās a good thing youāre not asking me then.āĀ
āJackāā
āPlease.ā
Youāre stunned silent at the rawness in his toneā the pain.Ā
He said please. He said it like he was begging. He is begging.Ā
āI donāt know how you do it,ā He continues, jaw working, āI can see it on you, plain as day. How you hate what they do, how it makes you hurt. But you keep going.ā
You shrug uselessly. āIs there another option?āĀ
Jack reaches out for you, then falters, like he thought better. A tiny part of you wishes heād followed through; bridged the yawning gap between the two of you thatās made up of the center console in his car, a couple decades, and your own unwillingness to try at vulnerability.Ā
āIāll walk you to your door.āĀ
The walk to your door is a stark contrast to the walk to the restaurant. Thereās no mischief on his face now, only a mask of stony distress.Ā
At the doorway to your apartment building, you pause. It seems customary. Appropriate. Necessary.
Really, you just want to look at Jack some more. Try to puzzle out why the lunch that felt like it went so well made him so upset. Where youāre getting signals wrong and crossing wires. Why success to you is failure to him.Ā
(As an ED resident, youāve seen child abuse cases. Youāve seen foster care children littered with cigarette burns and criss-crossing scars of broken bottles and the corners of coffee tables and haunted eyes.Ā Ā
You know your family isnāt great. But there arenāt any cigarette burns or glass scars or eyes that track fast movement.)
You have this burning inclination to apologize to Jack. Logically, you know you havenāt done something wrong, but you feel like you have because heās upset so maybe you can make it better?Ā
āYou have that look on your face.ā
You frown. āWhat look?āĀ
āThe āIām gonna apologize for something stupidā look.ā
āI wasnāt going to.ā
āYou were thinking about it,ā Jack ducks down, catches your eyes, āHey, listen to me. You cannot fix what I am upset about. It is not your job. My mood is not your responsibility.āĀ
āItās freaky when you do that.ā
āDo what?ā
āYou always know what Iām thinking.ā
Jack just huffs; shoves his hands in his pockets.Ā
Emboldened by his reassurance, you ask: āWhy are you upset?āĀ
āBecause your family treats you like shit, and I want to fix it, but I canāt.āĀ
āOh.āĀ
Itās not that bad. It canāt be that bad. Youāve seen bad. This isnāt it. Itās hard, but itās not bad.Ā
He stays quiet, seemingly sensing the inner turmoil his words have sparked. That, or he really is that good at reading you.Ā
Jack nods towards your door. āWe can talk later. Get some sleep. We both have shifts tonight.ā
Right. Yeah. All of these events roughly occurred over the course of six hours. Time makes sense.Ā
Despite the fact that you are exhausted and desperately need to sleep if you have any chance of surviving your āquickly approachingā shift, you linger.Ā
āHow am I supposed to repay you for all of this?āĀ
The question thatās been burning a hole in your pocket since he said Iāll do it.Ā
He just shakes his head. Like itās simple. Easy. āThis isnāt something I want repayment for. Now go. Youāre no good to me as a zombie.āĀ
āIāll just have some of Shenās Dunkin.ā
āHe doesnāt share that shit. Besides, heās off tomorrow.ā
āMaybe Iāllāā
āSleep,ā He points at your door, āNow.āĀ
You smile at his insistence. Heās sort of like cold coffee with sugar. Seems all bitter but then you get a bit of that sweet crunch, so it balances out. He balances out.Ā
Sometimes it feels like he balances you out.Ā
āGoodnight.ā
He gives you a little smile of his own.Ā
āGoodnight.ā
ā
Jack Abbot does not take his own advice. Mostly because he knows if he doesnāt talk about what happened during that lunch from hell, heās going to do something that will end in him being thrown in prison and having his medical license revoked. More importantly, if that happens, he wonāt be around to take care of you.Ā
So instead he collapses on his couch, works his prosthetic off to give his stump a needed break, and dials the number at the top of his favorites in his contact list.Ā
āThis really isnāt a good timeāā
āRobby,ā Jack starts, āThey didnāt even fucking talk to her.āĀ
āJesus, okay. Whitaker! Cover for me a sec, will you? I gotta deal with this.ā
āThey justā¦ā Jack continues, genuinely at a loss for words. His vocabulary feels woefully unequipped to relay the depth of anger he feels about the events of the lunch, āā¦Ignored her. They talked over her, didnāt ask her questions, hardly ever let her finish speaking when she did finally get a chance to speak, and threw jabs at her constantly. It was fucking awful.ā
The background noise quiets over the phone, and Jack knows Robbyās moved to either the break room or an empty patient room.Ā
āShe fight back at all?ā
āNo. Just⦠grinned and beared it. It was fuckinā unsettling, man. Iāve seen her yell back at rude patients, watched her stand her ground to EMTās who think they know better. It was like she hollowed herself out to sit at that table.āĀ
āChrist.ā
āShe flinched away from me. Afterwards, in the car, when I raised my voice on accident.ā
āFuck. Do you thinkāā
āI donāt know. Maybe when she was younger. They donāt live in state, so if they are, sheās safe.āĀ
Jack scrubs a hand down his face. āGod. I donāt know what to do, Robby. It doesnāt seem like sheās got⦠anybody. She didnāt even understand why I was upset. She doesnāt get why that would be upsetting.āĀ
āSheās friends with Mel and Santos, right?āĀ
āAnd Whitaker by extension, yeah. But those are recent friends. Iāve never heard her mention anybody from back home. No boyfriend or best friend or anything. Sheās just been doing everything on her own.ā
Jack can picture Robby nodding. āWeāve done our fair share of that.ā
āYeah, and look where that got us. I canāt just leave her here. Fuck, it was like watching someone kick a puppy, over and over.āĀ
āThat bad?āĀ
āYeah.āĀ
The line goes silent for a bit, both men stewing on the subject at hand.Ā
āSheās always had these habits. I thought they were just personality quirks, you know. I mean, weāre all fucked up, but watching it happenā¦ā
āItās different.āĀ
āYou could say that,ā Jack sighs, āShe soaks up praise like a fucking sponge. She looks surprised every time I do something nice for her. And she keeps trying to make me happy.ā
āYou lost me on that last one.āĀ
āIt doesnāt⦠Sheās not doing it to make me happy, exactly. She just does everything she can to keep me from getting mad.āĀ
āIs there a difference?ā
āThere is. Eager to please versus eager to appease.ā
āAre you sure you want to get involved?ā
āBit late for that.ā
āYou could pull back.ā
āFuck no, I canāt. Then Iād be kicking the puppy.ā
āShe is a grown woman.ā
āWho happens to look like a kicked puppy.ā
He scrubs a hand down his face, groaning into the microphone.Ā
āYou finally realize how ridiculous you sound?ā
Jack grunts. āIām not giving you the satisfaction of answering that.ā
The line crackles with the staticky sound of Robby chuckling. āThatās an answer in it of itself, and you know that.āĀ
He lets the line go quiet again, briefly debating just hanging up.Ā
āI donāt know, Robby. Itās justā¦ā
āWorse than you expected?ā
āYeah.ā
āCome on. You knew that was a possibility. Has it put you off, at all?ā
āFuck no.ā
āExactly. Now please, go to bed so I can get back to saving lives? Whitaker is covering for me and heās only gone through two pairs of scrubs so far today. Iām not a betting man, but if I were, Iād bet money that heās moved onto his third during this conversation.āĀ
āI save lives too.ā
āYou wonāt save any if you fall asleep on the drive over and die.ā
āI would never fall asleep behind the wheel.ā
āThatās what they all say.āĀ
Jack really does hang up after that, plugging his phone in and rushing through everything he needs to do before bed.Ā
But even as exhaustion pulls his body down into deep, dreamless sleep, he canāt stop thinking about that hollow look on your face. And he knows, even half-asleep, that he wonāt be able to let it go.
ā
The next night at work is weird, because nothing has changed, except now you know what the inside of Jackās car looks like and how his voice sounded when he begged you to let him help.Ā
Itās jarring, to say the least. Unsteadying and mildly world-rocking if youāre being honest.Ā
But gossip travels fast within the walls of the PTMC, so by the time night shift is halfway over, youāre convinced youāve heard every variation in existence of the same two questions:Ā
āDid you and Jack go on a date yesterday?āĀ
And:Ā
āWhatās Jack like on a date?āĀ
The answer to the first question is complicated and embarrassing, so you donāt answer it or any of itās variants. The answer to the second question is not complicated but it does, however, stir some very complicated feelings, so you refrain from answering that one too. You just try to refrain from thinking about or seeing him in general.
Youāre not avoiding Jack, per se. Just keeping busy. With other stuff. Thatās conveniently nowhere near him.Ā
Ellis keeps shooting you entirely too knowing looks, Mckay, whoās pulling a double, pats your shoulder and tells you sheās there if you want to talk, Shen is absent as Jack said he would be, and Jack himself is acting like nothing happened and everything is normal and heās never been to your apartment smelled your perfume.Ā
(āā¦I like layering scents.ā
āItās nice. Suits you.ā)
Itās all too much.
Hence the avoiding.
You try to curb your own ridiculousness for the sake of your patients, but itās oddly difficult. Youāve always been amazing at compartmentalizing. If your family gave you any kind of skill, itās the ability to shove your feelings in a box, and then shove that box in a corner of your mind you wonāt access consciously until you end up on public transportation with your headphones. You should be more than capable of gathering up all the loose feelings labeled āFor: Jack Abbotā and tucking them all nice and neat in that little box and then shove it in a dark mental corner.Ā
But you canāt. And along with the flurry of Jack Abbot causing a hurricane in your head, thereās a lesser storm that is the result of your family. More specifically, how they look to Jack.Ā
All roads lead back to Rome. Or, in your case, to Jack.Ā
You catch yourself during every spare moment or menial task that doesnāt require 100% of your brain power analyzing every interaction he had with them. Everything they said, everything they did, and how Jack wouldāve taken it. And why. Because clearly, the act of dealing with them isnāt the problem. The ease and finesse in which he did so crosses that off the list. So itās something else.Ā
Itās how they treat you.Ā
You understand, logically, that it would be upsetting, from his point of view. If you were in his place, youād also probably be upset too.Ā
But this feels different. Jackās reaction is different. Jack is different.Ā
Itās just never really been something that anyone should be upset over. Your family are who they are. Not great, but not truly bad either. You deal with them sparingly. You donāt even live in the same state anymore. Itās not a big deal.Ā
āWhy are you hiding from me in a supply closet?āĀ
You whirl around, a box of gloves clutched in your hands.
āIām not hiding from you.ā
Jack crosses his arms and leans against the doorway. āThis is the third time youāve been here in two hours.ā
āSo? I just want to be⦠on top of things. Iām a productive person.āĀ
āYou are,ā He amends, āBut all of your productivity tonight has been pretty strictly nowhere near me. Funny how that works.ā
You sigh, placing the gloves back on the rack. āThings are just⦠weird, okay? I donāt know how youāre being so normal about all this?ā
Your fingers wander and find a loose piece of skin on the edge of your cuticle, and you begin absent-mindedly picking at it.Ā
You canāt exactly disagree with him, right here, in the supply closet at the hospital. But you canāt quite bring yourself to agree eitherā because whether he acknowledges it or not, things have changed. Seeing him outside the hospital, perfectly placating your family into one of the most peaceful get-togethers youāve had in years isn't just nothing.Ā
Itās everything. And you, for one, canāt just pretend that it didnāt happen.Ā
āHey,ā He calls your name softly, āWhatās on your mind? Whatās bugging you?āĀ
āNothing.ā
He snorts, pushing off the doorframe and shutting the door behind him, so itās just the two of you alone. āLiar.ā
He doesnāt probe any further, just leans against the now closed door with his hands in his pockets, eyes flitting over you like theyāre looking for an answer. An answer youāre too hesitant to give.Ā
āIām just worried.āĀ
āYou? Worried? No.āĀ
You cut him a glare, āThereās a very real chance that this could all go horribly awry, you know.ā
āSure,ā Jack dips his head, āBut thatās not what youāre really worried about.ā
āAnd how do you know that?ā
āBecause that doesnāt address the fact that youāre avoiding me.ā
You sigh, scrubbing a hand across your face.Ā
āWhy do you care?āĀ
The question thatās been nagging at you since the beginning. The little itch in the back of your mind that you just canāt seem to get rid of. The puzzle you canāt figure out; the tune you canāt place.Ā
Youāre a logic driven person. You like knowing how things worksā why they work. Why things do the things they do.Ā
You like having the why. Having the why makes the world make sense.Ā
Nothing about Jack Abbot makes sense.Ā
āWhy do I care about what?ā
āThis,ā You gesture vaguely to the air, āMe. I donāt buy that you just didnāt have anything better to do or whatever it was you said. People donāt just⦠do that. Youāre really ruining your life for an entire week for what? So I'm a little less uncomfortable? Me? At the end of the day, weāre just coworkers. I know how important your down time is for you, so I just donāt get why youāre so okay with being miserable just for my sake. Iām not that important. These stupid lunches arenāt that important.āĀ
Itās a stupid confession. Much too vulnerable for a supply closet and a man youāre harboring feelings for.Ā
He doesnāt respond right away. Hums, stares at his shoes for a bit. Re-adjusts so his prosthetic isnāt taking so much weight.Ā
āYou are important. Youāre important to me, to this hospital, to your patients. And for the record, I am not āruining my week.ā If it was that easy for my week to be ruined, I never would have become a doctor, let alone joined the military.ā
āBut why?āĀ
āJesus, you watched a lot of the science channel growing up, didnāt you?āĀ
You snort. āGuilty as charged.āĀ
Now itās his turn to sigh.Ā
āYou⦠seem to have this misguided belief that caring is reciprocal in nature.ā
You frown. āIt is.āĀ
āIt isnāt. At least it shouldnāt be, but I donāt think anyone ever told you that.āĀ
You scoff. āSo this is about my family.āĀ
He shrugs. āAmongst other things.ā
āTheyāre not that bad.ā
āThey are.āĀ
āOther people have it worse.ā
āItās not a competition.āĀ
You resist the urge to throw your hands in the air. āWhy is this such a big deal to you?āĀ
āBecause itās a big deal to you.āĀ
The air gets quiet and tense. Like the supply closet and all the medical supplies in it are holding their breath. If they were alive, if they were holding their breath, youāre convinced theyād all be looking at you.Ā
Itās Jack who speaks first though.Ā
āI can see it. You do everything yourself, get back up even when itās hard. You look out for other people more than you look out for yourself. Youāre selfless and kind and I donāt think very many people give that back to you.āĀ
A reflexive smile pulls at your lips, a habit you never quite managed to kick after years of people telling you āsmile, look grateful, stop looking so upset, thereās nothing to cry about.ā It feels awkward and clunky on your mouth but you donāt know what else to do. Thereās no pre-written protocol for something like this.
āI still donāt really get it.ā You murmur, more to yourself than to Jack.
Jack sends you a light grin. āWeāll work on it.āĀ
āWe will?āĀ
āSure,ā He shrugs, āAlready started anyways.āĀ
āIf youāre sure.āĀ
āIām sure,ā He opens the door, āNow get back out there. And bring the gloves too.ā
You roll your eyes but comply, snagging the box off the shelf where youād left it and following him out.Ā
The rest of your shift passes much smoother than before, even with the routine influx of patients as the time inches closer to morning. Jack doesnāt hover, but doesnāt pull the disappearing act that you (totally fairly) pulled on him either. He truly seems unfazed. Like it really, actually doesnāt bother him.Ā
Well. Correction. It does bother him, but not because itās something heās doing for you, the part that bothers him (apparently) is how all of this affects you.Ā All this caring makes you feel like a deer in the headlights.
You recall something he said that night. Something that had made you shiverā something that hit the nail right on the head.Ā
āHey, listen to me. You cannot fix what I am upset about. It is not your job. My mood is not your responsibility.āĀ
He always seems to know exactly what to say to you. How to act, what to do, what specific worry youāre feeling and the best course of action to soothe it. Itās great but itās also difficult, because thereās a part of you that wants to let him keep doing it, but then thereās the part of you that bristles every time and wants to snap that youāre completely capable of doing things yourself.Ā
That probably wouldnāt even work. Heād just say something infuriating and sexy, like āI know, but I want to do this for you.āĀ
He would. He totally would.Ā
The thought is equal parts haunting and reassuring.Ā
(And maybe, also, a little, kind of really sweet?)
ā
The next two lunches go great. Jack is still freakishly incredible at charming your family. And, with his help, you actually manage to hold a (mostly) civil conversation with your parents for the first time in⦠years.Ā
The lunches are fine, but the part youāve started looking forward to is the before and after. Before, Jack comes to pick you up, and sometimes he comes early and helps prepare (which mostly involves him either talking you off the ledge, pouring a shot or two, or assuring you that your makeup and outfit look great. Not fine, great) or just to hang out. The hanging out part is nice, because he never comes with any sort of expectation. Heāll sit on your couch and scroll through his phone and entertain all the inane chatter you like to get out of your system beforehand but never had an outlet for before.Ā
The after is even more fun. You run through the highlights of the night and hate on all the annoying things your family said to you. This usually also involves stopping somewhere for food (only for you, Jackās never hungry because he eats t=at the restaurants but youāre never allowed to order anything that isnāt a salad) and then the two fo you fight over who pays. You always insist since youāre the only one actually eating any of the food, but then Jack usually takes your card, puts it in his pocket, and uses his own.Ā
Itās as frustrating as it is hot.Ā
But for the most part, the lunches and your shifts at work have actually been pretty goodā as good as night shifts in a trauma center can be, anyway. Jackās presence is⦠steadying, even when heās not physically there. Heās always present in some wayā whether itās little reminders he leaves at your favorite spot for charting (he only uses blue sticky notes) or a real lunch left for you in the breakroom fridge (you werenāt previously aware he actually knew how to cook, or that he knew how picky you are when it comes to what youāll actually eat for lunch and how often you get too busy to properly make something.) Sometimes heās there in your head; in little things heās told or taught you that you remember in the moment.Ā
Itās nice. To have someone be around. Someone you can relax with, joke withā someone who hasnāt looked down on you for the the way you turned out.Ā
You were pretty ready to declare smooth sailing ahead, but then on the third lunch your mother shows up and is decidedly not in a good mood and the seas turn choppy and the boat smashes into the rocks below.Ā
At least, two peach bellinis in, thatās what it feels like.Ā
āHonestly,ā Your mother puffs, āI donāt understand why making some simple appetizers could take so long. This is why I hate going to restaurants during lunch hours, the staff just gets so lazy. The menu is always better at dinner anyways.āĀ
You ignore the thinly veiled dig and instead choose to quietly drain the rest of your third peach bellini. They taste like juice and take a much needed edge (or two) of the evening. Lunch. What-fucking-ever.Ā
Jack, ever aware of the best way to survive these functions (somehow) whilst keeping his sanity, remains silent as your mom huffs and puffs, seeming to understand that trying to placate her when she gets in these moods is a fruitless endeavor that only leadsĀ to your mom getting more upset and everyone else more annoyed.Ā
You, made slightly optimistic by the wonderful powers of alcohol, attempt to put her in a better mood.Ā
āI have the next three days off, mom. Weāll be able to do dinners instead.ā
Your mother, however, only scoffs. āThatās no good to anyone now. Weāve already spent half this week dealing with poor restaurant service. I mean, no respectable job would have such a ridiculous schedule."Ā
āIām a doctor, mom. It doesnāt get more respectable than that.āĀ
Jack nudges your leg with his, either a silent laugh, show of support, or quiet question of your sanity. Maybe all three.Ā
Another bellini appears in front of you, this one heavier on the alcohol than the last. Your server is getting a giant tip when this is all over.Ā
āYou work in the emergency department, dear. Thatās hardly stable, and stable is respectable,ā Jack clears his throat, and your mother at least has the manners to look mildly sheepish, āNo offense, Jack.āĀ
He smiles thinly. āNone taken.āĀ
Conversation from there is stilted at best with even your brothers tip-toeing around your mother. No one wants to be the subject of a nitpicking lecture, even when the version she gives them is a slap on the wrist compared to what you endure.Ā
So you keep drinking your belliniās and they keep coming. After your fourth, you think you should maybe slow down a little, but then your dad starts grilling Jack about his life (again) and you decide that alcohol is, in fact, necessary.Ā
āHave you ever been in a serious relationship before, Jack?āĀ
That one almost makes you ask the server for a shot of vodka, straight. Thatās a question you ask a nineteen year-old pimple-faced boy, not a fucking fifty year old man.Ā
āI have, yes. But, like most things in life, they were learning experiences. Iāve moved on.āĀ
Your dad snorts, then gestures to you. āYou could teach her a thing or two about moving on.āĀ
Your blood runs cold.Ā
Jack sets his glass down. āAnd what do you mean by that?ā
Itās your mother who answers. Because one vulture circling your soon-to-be carcass wasnāt enough.Ā
āIām surprised she hasnāt told you. It was all she ever talked about for years. Sheās had exactly one boyfriend before youā what was his name honey?ā
āChristopher,ā You answer hollowly, stomach churning.Ā
Your dad snaps his fingers. āThatās it. It took ages for her to get her first boyfriend. We were fairly convinced it would never happen, but then one day she came home with Christopher. Whole family wanted to throw a partyā finally found someone to put up with all that attitude!ā
Your family laughs, but Jack doesnāt.Ā
āWhereās the funny part, in all this?ā
Your mother clears her throat, just a tad awkward. āWhen she broke up with him it was awful. She refused to leave her room for works, cried all the time. Honestly, I would have understood if he had broken up with her, but it was all her decision.āĀ
Your dad nods in agreement. āWe had to have a sit-down conversation with her about decisions and consequences before she finally stopped crying and hiding in her room. Christopher was such a nice boy, we hated to see him go.ā
Jack opens his mouth, poised to fire something back and defend you, but you beat him to the punch.Ā
āHe cheated on me with my best friend.āĀ
At that, your mother frowns. āThatās not what Christopher said. You were in your teen angst era, remember? Always picking fights? He told your brother that you were so distant with him he didnāt know you were still together.āĀ
āI wasnāt distant, I was really busy. I was studying for the MCAT. He knew that. He knew how important medical school was to me.āĀ
Your brother rolls his eyes. āMed school was all you talked about. Itās not like you were putting out.ā
Your mother snaps her fingers once. āThat is inappropriate talk for public. You know better.āĀ
āCome on, mom. Itās true. Everyone knowsāā
āSorry to interrupt,ā Jack says, not at all sounding sorry, āBut the hospital just texted. Thereās an emergency, and weāre needed, so we have to go.āĀ
Jack does not wait for your mother or father to excuse him. He just stands, offering you his hand. It turns out that you need it, because there is, apparently, such a thing as too many peach bellinis. Your mom sends you a pointed glare as you stumble once, after which you make a concerted effort to look more sober.Ā
Neither you nor Jack bother saying proper goodbyes. Once he grabs your jacket and purse (and your vision stops swimming so much and youāre sure you can walk in a convincing approximation of a straight line) youāre both gone. You pass your server on the way out, who is slipped a very generous cash tip for the excellent bellini service.Ā
By the time you get to the car, you realize that youāre about to have to save patient lives and you are very, extremely, drunk. There is no way you are capable of doing any life-saving at the moment.Ā
āJack,ā You mumble, fumbling with your seatbelt, āI think Iām too drunk to go in. Did they say how serious the emergency was? Can I just get a banana bag?āĀ
āThere is no emergency,ā He says calmly, batting your hands away and buckling you in properly, āI made it up. I figured youād be okay with ducking out of there.āĀ
āOh. That was nice of you.āĀ
He clicks you in and gives you a wry grin. āTold you I would handle things.ā
You nod, the movement exaggerated and lopsided. āI hate it when they bring up Christpher. They always take his side. Like, is there ever a situation where itās okay to cheat on a girl with her best friend? I was studying for the MCAT. I didnāt even wallow or break up with him when I found out. I waited until after I took the exam so I didnāt fuck up my score.āĀ
āThatās my girl.āĀ
āChristopher was an asshole. He was a real dickhead. The whole situation sucked. I lost the only two people who I thought cared about me at the same time. My family acted like I was the fucking anti-christ for being upset about it, too. It was fucking terrible. Iām so glad I donāt live with them anymore. I mean, I still love them, and I care about them, cause theyāre my family, but everything is just so much easier when theyāre not around.āĀ
āYouāre allowed to hate them, you know.āĀ
āI know,ā You say, fiddling with a hangnail. āI know I probably should.āĀ
You sigh, tilting your head back against the headrest. āI always keep holding out hope, you know? That one day theyāll apologize, figure their shit out, care about me in a way that matters. I know itās stupid.ā
āItās not stupid.āĀ
You frown. āItās not? It kinda seems stupid. Youād think by now I would know better.āĀ
āNo,ā Jack eases the car out of the parking space, āWeāre biologically wired to love our families. Itās the reason why they can fuck you up so bad. Your brain canāt compute why the people who are supposed to love you above all else just⦠donāt. Not in any of the right ways.āĀ
You blow air through your lips. āI think my parents fucked me up. I was so happy when I matched into the Pitt, because it was so far away. But then I got out here it just kind of hit me, all at once, that I was alone. My best friend was gone, my ex boyfriend sucked, and I was too busy in med school taking care of myself and my family to make any friends.ā
Shit, that sounds so whiny. āBut it turns out it wasnāt so bad. Now I've got Mell, and Santos, and Iām pretty sure Iām friends with Shen too. Mckay is nice too. I like her. Sheās cool.āĀ
Jack huffs something that could be a laugh, and you turn to study him; the angles of his face awash in the glow of the red light youāre currently stopped at. From here, you can see the tiny bits of tension he carries in his faceā a slight pinch in his brow, the tiniest downturn of his lips. Itās the only evidence that heās not as unaffected by your family as he pretends to be.
Then the light turns green, and his face isnāt illuminated the same.Ā
āAnd what about me?āĀ
Oh. Well. Thatās a loaded question.
The alcohol emboldens you to answer honestly. āI donāt know what to think about you.āĀ
āOh really?āĀ
āMmm. Nope.āĀ
āHow come?āĀ
"You're soāā You gesture vaguely, āConfusing. I canāt figure you out. For a while there, I was pretty sure you hated me, but then you offered to help me with this and you keep saying you care so I think Iām wrong.āĀ
āYou think youāre wrong?ā
āStill canāt figure you out.āĀ
āAnd how can I show you that I mean it?āĀ
Thatās. Hmm.
āI donāt know. I think what youāre doing is working,ā You pause, debating the pros and cons of continuing to just say whatever the fuck you want before deciding youāre too tired to care, āIt helps that youāre really hot.āĀ
His lips twitch. āOh, does it now?āĀ
āMhm. Youāve got this whole⦠capable thing about you. Itās hot. Competency is in.ā
āIf you say so.āĀ
āI do say so. I feel like if I had a problem I could call you or something and you would fix it. Youāre soā¦ā
āCompetent?āĀ
āThatās the word.ā
If heās at all irritated, annoyed, or otherwise put off by your stupid rambling, he didnāt show it.Ā
āYou should call me whenever you have a problem. Chances are, I can fix it.āĀ
āAre you like Bob the Builder?ā
āIām a doctor, so no.āĀ
āYouāre kind of like Bob the Builder.āĀ
āWhatever you say,ā He pauses at an empty intersection before continuing on, āBefore I start heading towards your place, do you want to stop by mine? You didnāt even get to eat your salad, and I have leftovers. You can say no.ā
āAre you gonna be mad at me if I say no?āĀ
āNo.āĀ
āThen yes.āĀ
āYou sure? I wasnāt lying.āĀ
āI know. But I like your cooking.ā
You spend the drive to Jackās continuing to ramble about nothing and everything, to which he entertains with a seemingly endless amount of patience. The only time he interrupts is to hand you a bottle of Gatorade he procured from his back seat. Apparently, he bought a few to keep in his car after the first lunch. āFor any alcohol excursions.āĀ
Itās freaky how prepared he is for every situation.Ā
When you arrive, he unbuckles your seatbelt for you (unbuckling is just as difficult as buckling when youāve had an unknown amount of peach bellinis) and helps you up the stairs to his apartment.Ā
His gigantic apartment.Ā
āWoah,ā You mumble as you shuffle through the doorway, pulled along by your hand in Jacks, āI didnāt know they made apartments this size.āĀ
āIts not that big.āĀ
āI think, like, four of my apartments could fit in here. Your living room is the size of my entire place.āĀ
You stumble once, heel catching on the little rug on the entry way, and heās immediately motioning for you to sit on the little bench by the door and pats his thigh once. You clumsily raise your leg, barely managing to land your foot on the general area he gestures to. He pulls the first shoe off, then repeats with the second with an air of total calm. Like this is normal and he does this all the time for you. Like you regularly find yourself drunk in his apartment.
You decide to unpack the moment when youāre sober.Ā
āOne, itās not that big, and two, thatās what you get for renting a studio apartment.ā
āLike you could afford better when you were an intern.āĀ
He snorts, leading you to his couch and gesturing for you to sit. āIf you want to change clothes you can borrow some of mine.ā
You chew on your lip. The outfits you choose to look nice for your mother are never exactly comfortable, and when else are you going to get the chance to privately live the scenario you fantasize about several times a week before falling asleep?
āOnly if you donāt mind.āĀ
āI wouldn't have offered if I wasnāt. Stay there.āĀ
Jackās only gone for a few minutes before he reappears with a dark grey sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants in a slightly lighter shade. The sweatshirt is oversized and looks well worn, but the sweatpants are suspiciously new, close to your size, and look eerily similar to a pair you changed into after a shift a few weeks ago.
He hands them to you. Neither of you mention the sweatpants. āYou can change in the bathroom. Door locks from the inside. Iām gonna change too, and then Iāll heat up the food.āĀ
Jack shows you the bathroom (you donāt bother unpacking why exactly he felt the need to tell you that the door locks and from the inside, thatās for when youāre significantly more drunk than you are now and when youāre not in his fancy-ass apartment.)Ā
Because heās a man and men take approximately three seconds to change, heās already in the kitchen setting stuff on the counter by the time you emerge from the bathroom. His countertops are solid granite, because the apartment is clearly expensive and heās a man. Theyāre an inky black color withĀ tiny flecks that sparkle when the light hits them just so.Ā
āWhat are you doing?ā Jack asks when he turns from the fridge to find you tilting your head this way and that.Ā
āLooking at the sparkles.āĀ
āOookay. Do you want me to heat up the vodka pasta or the chicken?ā
āYou made vodka pasta?āĀ
He shrugs. āYou said you liked it.āĀ
You slide into a seat at the kitchen island, a flush creeping up your neck. āThe pasta, please.āĀ
Suddenly exhausted now that youāre in soft, comfortable clothes that smell like Jack, you decide to just rest your head on your arms for a bit. And close your eyes. But youāre not going to fall asleep. Youāre not.Ā
āDonāt fall asleep. You need to eat something first.āĀ
āMā not fallinā asleep.āĀ
āMhm. Sure.āĀ
With great effort, you blink your eyes open and watch Jack while he heats up the pasta and prepares something else. A salad maybe?
āWhatāreāyouā making?ā
āJust a little salad. In case the pasta is too heavy for you.āĀ
āOh. How come?āĀ
āBecause I donāt want you to throw up.āĀ
āI promise I wonāt throw up on your furniture. I donāt usually throw up when Iām hungover.āĀ
āYou drink often?āĀ
āNo,ā Your head lulls to the side, āIām too busy. Iām actually not-so-secretly very boring. I donāt really like partying. I much prefer staying at home.āĀ
āThought you went to that thing with King and Santos?āĀ
āYeah, but that was ācause Trinity really wanted me to come and I felt bad and I didnāt want her to think I was a boring, uptight bitch.āĀ
āI see.āĀ
āYeah. I kinda had fun, though. I wished you were there.ā
āReally?āĀ
āYeah,ā You sigh, probably a hint too dreamily, āMakes me feel better when youāre around.āĀ
āIāll keep that in mind.āĀ
He slides a little bowl with a light salad in it to you across the counter, and it's perfectly refreshing. Not at all heavy like the pasta ends up being.Ā
āSorry I couldnāt finish it,ā You say, forcing down a yawn and resisting the urge to burrow into your arms and go to sleep right there, āI feel bad that you went through the trouble of making it and heating it up.āĀ
āIt wasnāt that much effort. Besides, now you can just eat it for lunch tomorrow instead. Iāll send it home with you.āĀ
āMhm.ā You hum, slowly inching your arms forward and down onto the counter, your head quickly following suit.Ā
Jack chuckles, and you can hear the light step of his feet as he rounds the corner of the island and nudges you in the arm.Ā
āCome on, sweetheart. You wanna get home to bed, donāt you?ā
āNo,ā You shake your head, āI wanna sleep right here. Itās comfortable.ā
āIt wonāt be when you wake up.ā
You whine, curling away from him.Ā
He just puffs another little laugh. āYou can either sleep in your bed, or my bed. You canāt sleep on the kitchen island.ā
āWhy not?ā You finally lift your head, āAnd why is your bed an option?ā
āOne,ā He lifts up one finger in front of your face and slowly drags it back and forth, āBecause the kitchen island is not a bed. Two, Iām not letting you sleep on the couch.ā
āWhy? Is your couch uncomfortable?ā
āNo,ā He says, shuffling back over to where the leftovers are and tucking all the food away in the proper places, āItās just not right to make a woman sleep on the couch.ā
āI like sleeping on couches.ā
He shoots you a look over his shoulder, āIām sure you do. But youāre still a little drunk, and my bed is closer to the bathroom than the couch is.āĀ
You prop your head on your hand. āWho said Iām even staying here tonight?ā
Jack closes the fridge. āDo you want to? Because I donāt care either way. We both have tomorrow off.ā
āItād be weird to wake up here.ā
āWhy?ā
āBecause youāre my boss.ā
āAnd Iām faking being your boyfriend so your parents get off your back. Pretty sure weāre past coworkers.āĀ
āWhat would we even do in the morning?āĀ
āSleep.ā
āI donāt want to kick you out of your bed. Iāll sleep on the couch.āĀ
āYouāre my guestāāĀ
āYouāre already doing so much for me,ā You blurt, stomach clenching, āIā You know me. I can only handle so much. Let me do this one thing? Please?āĀ
Jack glowers for a bit, then sighs.Ā
āOnly because you asked nicely and I believe in rewarding good behavior. And because I know my couch isnāt uncomfortable. Iāll help you make it up.āĀ
Jackās apartment is surprisingly tidy for the fact that a man lives in it (Christopherās room at his parentās house always looked like shit) and he pulls down a couple options for bedding. You go with the plain black sheet and its matching thick, fluffy comforter. He insists on making up the couch himself (despite the fact that the alcohol has mostly worn off by now) and even sets up a glass of water, a liquid IV packet, and a bucketā āJust in case those belliniās donāt love you back.āĀ
The sight of it all is almost too much. Itās just so much care. All of it. The fact that heās helping out with you and your disaster of a family, the way that despite the horribleness of it all he hasnāt judged you at all for how you deal with them. He refuses to let you drive yourself, always pays for every lunch for your entire family and the little snacks you get afterwards. Listens to you rant and he makes you food and gets you blankets andā
āYou okay there?āĀ
āMhm,ā You hum, āJust thinkinā.āĀ
He leaves you be for a moment, busies himself with fixing your pillows and and tugging the comforter into its proper place.
Before you can talk yourself out of it, you turn, throwing your arms around Jackās middle and burying your face in his chest.Ā
āThank you,ā You say, voice muffled by the fabric, āFor doing all of this. Thank you for looking out for me.āĀ
Jack is still for a second, just long enough for you to second guess initiating physical contact āa line you were previously too scared to crossā but then his hands come up and it's so, immediately, remarkably over. Because youāre never ever going to draw that line again. You can never go back to your life without having this. Without having him.Ā
Jackās hands are big and deliciously warm as they slide up, around your waist, lingering to rub a few circles on the mid of your back before moving on. One arm stays, tightening around your waist and drawing you closer while his other glides further up, up, up, his callused palms sliding over the knob at the very base of your neck before his hand settles around your nape, fingers just barely brushing the edge of your hairline.Ā
You barely manage to suppress a whine at how warm and incredible it feels to be fully enveloped by him. You never want him to let go. Goosebumps erupt everywhere he touches, little sparks of electricity lingering under your skin in his wake.
āI will always,ā He presses the lightest of kisses to your temple, just a feathering of his lips, āLook out for you, baby. Iām always gonna be right here.ā
His arms tighten around you, drawing you inā closer, closer, closer. Wrapped up in everything that is Jack you canāt help but sag, going completely boneless in his grip and allowing yourself to just bask in him.Ā
āYou smell good.ā You mumble into his shirt, completely lost in the moment.Ā
āDo I?ā
āYeah. Good. Like man.āĀ
He chuckles, the sound vibrating pleasantly against your cheek. āThank you sweetheart.āĀ
āWhy do you call me sweetheart?āĀ
āBecause youāre a sweetheart.āĀ
āI am?āĀ
āDonāt play dumb now,ā He pulls back a little, just enough to get a good look at you, fingers curling in the fine hair at your nape and tugging down, angling your chin up so youāre forced to look at him, āYou know you are.āĀ
You shrug, eyes darting to the side, your cheeks flushing, āI donāt know. I was just making sure.āĀ
āMhm.ā He hums, tone almost mocking, fingers tightening around your hair just before the precipice of pain.
You stay like that for a few moments of charged silence. Jackās eyes shamelessly rove over the planes of your face, mapping it out in his mind. He keeps his grip on your hair, not completely forcing eye contact but keeping your head firmly in place.Ā
Itās possessive. Bold. Probably too intimate for two people who (supposedly) are not actually dating
And you love it.Ā
Jack only lets his hand (and your head) drop when your jaw opens in a splitting yawn.Ā
āOkay,ā He huffs, taking a step back, āTime for bed. Get going.āĀ
Embarrassment is the only thing keeping you from whining at the loss of contact and impending reality of sleeping on the couch alone. But you made your bed (figuratively) so now you have to lie in it.Ā
The couch does look comfortable. Especially since Jack put all the blankets together.Ā
He waits until youāve crawled under the comforter to bid you goodnight, followed by a parting reminder to āWake him up if you start aspirating on vomit.ā Itās a very Jack thing to say.Ā
Youāre out almost the second Jack turns the lights off. You fall into deep, blissful sleep, dreaming of that final moment in the living room, your eyes boring into each other.Ā
Except in the dream, you tilt your head up those last few inches, and kiss your fake boyfriend as hard as you can.Ā
ā
Generally, the annual lecture event ends with a massive blow out argument. Something dramatic and filled with expletives, after which your mother will refuse to answer any texts or calls you send before finally telling you thatās sheās sorry if (always if) something she said offended you, but talking to you is just so hard sometimes so she doesnāt want to unless youāre ready to be more civil. By the time the two of you are on neutral terms again, itās time for the next annual lunch circuit.Ā
Youāre a mess of nerves in the hours before the last one. Like usual, your mom requested that the last dinner be held at your place. āSo it can feel like a real family dinner.ā While you know that there isnāt any saying no to your mother, you also know that there is no way youāre cramming your entire family in your tiny ass studio apartment. It happened once. It will not happen again.Ā
You originally asked Jack during a last minute shift you both got called in to cover if he would help you move some of the furniture at your place to accommodate them, and then heād gotten this incredulous look on his face and then told you to tell your mom that youāre having dinner at his place.Ā
āJack,ā Youād gaped at him, āItās fine. My apartment isnāt that small, and you donāt have to help move the furniture if you donāt want to. I can ask Dennis to give me a hand instead. I really donāt think you want to host my family.āĀ
āSweetheart, itās just logic. Youāve seen my place.ā
āOkay. No need to rub it in.āĀ
Heād just rolled his eyes and pinned you with a firm look. āCome on. You know this is the best option. If your mom throws a fit, tell her I insisted and give her my number.āĀ
āDo you have a death wish?ā You hiss, āThatās asking for torture.āĀ
Jack had just shrugged. āWould having it at my place be easier for you?āĀ
ā...Yes?āĀ
āThen weāll do it there. Youāre off in a bit, right?āĀ
Youād nodded.Ā
He fishes something small and shiny out of his pocket and tosses it to you. āThatās my spare key. Iāll be here later than you, so just let yourself in if you want to get there earlier to start setting up. Iāll be home soon.āĀ
Robby shouted his name soon after and Jack was whisked away, leaving you standing in the middle of the ED, holding the fucking spare key to his apartment, gaping like a fish.Ā
The line between real and fake has become so blurred youāre not sure if it ever was there to begin with.Ā
Heās started calling you sweetheart more and more oftenā sometimes when no one's around. No familial audience to be persuaded into the romantic lie youāre selling. Is it still a lie if it doesnāt feel like one anymore?
The question and accompanying feeling follows you all day. All throughout your harried dinner preparation. Even now, with a solid hour until your family is supposed to start showing up, you canāt help but pace the length of Jackās kitchen, heeled feet clicking on his floor. Jack himself is similarly dressed up, wearing a pair of dark jeans (āIām not wearing slacks in my own home, and Iām not old enough to start wearing khakis with everything.ā) and a black button down shirt with the first two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up to his forearms. He makes a very nice view and under other circumstances you might take the opportunity to climb him like a tree. But alas. Anxiety.Ā
āTake your shoes off if youāre going to pace. Youāre gonna give yourself blisters.āĀ
You ignore him, chewing on an already stinging cuticle.Ā
āThings have been pretty good this far, right? Do you think sheās just waiting until the very end to bring up some secret thing that sheās upset about?ā
Jack begins preparing the wine āyour mother only likes redā for decanting. āI think if your mother were that upset about something she wouldnāt be able to hide it.āĀ
āTrue. But what if?ā
āIām not going to help you spiral.āĀ
āWhy not?ā You whine.Ā
He looks at you with a heavy glare and points to the shoe tray at the door. āShoes. Off. You can put them back on when they get here.āĀ
You grumble under your breath the entire way but comply. Only because your feet were starting to hurt.Ā
When your family finally does arrive, it ends up being annoyingly anti-climactic. You spend the entire time on the edge of your seat (literally and figuratively) waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for conversation to turn sour, arguments to erupt, someone to choke on a piece of lettuce and die despite professional intervention.Ā
But the argument never starts, conversation remains what it usually is and becomes no worse (or better, unfortunately) and no one passes away due to unevenly chopped vegetables.Ā
The torture is over fairly quickly. Most everyoneās flight back home leaves early the next morning and your dad is paranoid about flight times.Ā
Pretty soon itās all just⦠over. They leave, your mother bickering with your father on the way out about something that probably doesnāt matter, and then itās just you and Jack and the entire scheme is just done. Finished. Just like that.Ā
There won't be anymore knee's brushing under the table, no more shared glances and pecks to the cheek when you make a joke that actually lands. No more excuses just to sit and watch him under the guise of playing the adoring girlfriend. No more late night milkshakes.
You'll just go back to being coworkers-- People who pretend not to know each other intimately. Jack probably won't struggle with it. But to you, right now, the idea of just not having him anymore seems like a another wound, right over top all the others.
You don't want him to become another person who used to know you.
Youāve been staring at the closed door for upwards of five full minutes, clenching and unclenching your fists when Jack comes up next to you. He hands you the same clothes you wore the last time you were there and jerks his head in the direction of the bathroom.Ā Ā
āWhy donāt you go and change, huh?ā
Your lip wobbles a bit as you answer. āBut I want to help you clean up.āĀ
āYou can,ā He soothes, āAfter you change.ā
āButāā
āHey,ā He interrupts, āNo. Youāve been stuck in those clothes for hours. Go change. Iāll wait for you.āĀ
Jack keeps his word. Heās leaned up against the kitchen island when you emerge, rubbing at your ānow bare, having had the foresight to bring makeup wipes with youā face.Ā
He looks up when the door opens. āBetter?āĀ
āYeah. Thanks.āĀ
He just hums, heading back over to the kitchen table, stacking plates and cutlery. You follow in silence, and he thankfully doesnāt push for conversation.Ā
Cleaning up doesnāt take long enough. Jack has a fancy dishwasher (and probably doesnāt want to stay standing any more than he has to this late in the day) and there arenāt any leftovers to pack up. Your brothers are bottomless pits when it comes to free food.Ā
It canāt just be over like this. It can't.
When everything is finished and there isn't anything left to do, Jack wordlessly leads you to the couch and puts something quiet and calm on the TV. The white noise washes over you as you attempt to get comfortable, but the knowledge that it's all over proves to be an itch under your skin that you just can't seem to squash.
āSo,ā You say after the two of you are seated on opposite ends of the couch, āThatās it then.āĀ
āSo it is.āĀ
āGuess I owe you big time, huh?āĀ
āIāve already told you I donāt care about that.āĀ
āRight,ā You look down at your lap, āYeah. Sorry.āĀ
You lapse into silence.Ā
Jack sighs. āSweetheartāā
āWas it fake to you?ā You blurt, jiggling your knee, still staring at your lap, āWere youā did you mean it?ā
It never felt fake. It never felt like pretending.Ā
It felt real.
It felt like, for the first time in your life, things could be easy.
Maybe easy isn't the right word. But it life sure as hell didn't feel as hard.
When you look up, uncomfortable in his silence and hoping thereās answers in his face, but instead of finding something like disappointment or irritation, heās grinning.Ā
āWhat do you think?āĀ
āI donāt know.āĀ
He dips his head once. āYes you do. Youāre a smart girl, I think you can figure it out.āĀ
Your fingers are curled around the hem of his sweatshirt, white-knuckling the fabric as if to stabilize yourself. Like youāre liable to somehow float away if you donāt dig your heels into the couch and hold on tight.Ā
āWhat if Iām wrong?āĀ
āYou wonāt be.ā
A scoff escapes your lips, āYou canāt know for sure.āĀ
He taps his pointer finger on his leg in an unhurried rhythm.Ā
āYou do.āĀ
Your stomach is rolling in a combination of leftover anxiety from the dinner that went better than it was supposed to and the weight of Jackās gaze on you.Ā
āI thinkā¦ā You pause, worry threatening to overwhelm you, and take a deep breath before continuing, āI think you might like me.āĀ
āYou think,ā He drawls, āI might.āĀ
āI donāt want to be wrong!ā You cry.Ā
Jack huffs, throwing his head back in a good-natured sigh.Ā
āCome here.āĀ
You scoot further down the couch, sitting criss-cross right in front of him. This is not going the way you thought it would. You were almost certain youād walk away shamed and embarrassed, forced to fake your death and flee the country out of the sheer humiliation of thinking your boss would actually have a crush on you.Ā
Jack does love to prove you wrong.
āSoo,ā You start, still hesitant, āYou do like me.āĀ
Jack props his head on his hand, his expression something youāre starting to recognize as fond. āYes.ā
āMore than a little?āĀ
āYes.āĀ
āAnd you werenāt faking anything. You were serious about theā You know.āĀ
āUse your words.āĀ
āThe flirting.ā You clarify, ears burning.Ā
āAll correct,ā He nods, āThough I would have said it differently.āĀ
You frown. āAnd how would you have put it?āĀ
āI would have said,ā He reaches out, snagging your arm and tugging until you fall down onto his chest with a little oof, āThat you have a hard time believing things that are good, so I had to audition for my role. Like old-fashioned courting.āĀ
You want to be offended, but unfortunately, it did work.Ā
You frown.Ā
Wait.Ā
āHave you known I liked you this whole time?āĀ
Jack snorts. āOverheard you talking to Whitaker about it during your second week.ā
Heās known since the second week?
āOh my god.āĀ
āDonāt worry, I didnāt tell anyone. Except Robby. Heās been hoping you would figure it out for awhile now.ā
āOh my god.ā
āI thought it was cute,ā He smoothes a hand over your hair, āYou were so much more nervous back then. Youāve come a long way.āĀ
You shift uncomfortably at the praise, but Jackās having none of it. He wraps his arms around you, holding you in place.Ā
āCan you take a compliment?āĀ
āNo.āĀ
He re-positions under you, getting more comfortable. āWeāll try again later.āĀ
āAm Iā Can I stay here tonight then?āĀ
āOf course,ā he murmurs, āMy one condition is that youāre not sleeping on the couch.ā
āFine,ā You sigh, long and drawn out, āI suppose we can share.āĀ
āHow kind of you to share my bed with me.āĀ
āI have been told Iām kind.āĀ
You both smile, and everything just feels so right and so perfect that you can't help but lean up, clearing the last few inches, and pressing a hesitant, gentle kiss to his lips.Ā
Itās just like your dream.Ā
Only this time, itās real. And Jack is kissing you back.Ā
āI will always,ā He presses the lightest of kisses to your temple, just a feathering of his lips, āLook out for you, baby. Iām always gonna be right here.ā
heās just so perfect. itās not fair that heās not real. like wdym this perfect beautiful man is fictional?
Clark whispered in exasperation at you, staring down at your nonchalant face from across the table at the restaurant he brought you to for dinner.
You tilted your head, your eyes blinked innocently at him. āWhatās wrong sweetie? Food not to your liking?ā
āThe foodās fine.ā Clark cleared his throat, feeling your foot rub against his leg. He was very glad the restaurant had a giant table cloth to hide what was happening under it.
You hummed. āMaybe we can open a bottle of wine back at your apartment later to relax.ā
āSounds like a plan.ā Clark forced out, your foot now resting on his pant covered crotch. Clark gulped at the sensual feeling of your socked foot rubbing against his swelling member but he was getting frustrated when thatās all you did before your foot retreated.
Clark spent the rest of the dinner calming his erection down while he tried to enjoy his food.
~~~~~
āThat was pretty daring.ā
Clark told you with a huff as he took your coat off your body to hang on the rack near the entrance of his apartment before hanging his suit jacket next.
He rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt as he watched you go into the kitchen to procure a bottle of wine that you kept in one of his cabinets from one of your last visits.
You turned to him with a smile as you held up the bottle with a grin. āHow about a glass of wine for a job well done?ā
āAnd what job would that be?ā Clark cocked an eyebrow at you.
You gave him a sly look as you searched around to get one wine glass. āYour control of not jumping my bones all night.ā
āSo you were testing me?ā Clark replied with a snort, crossing his arms over his chest as you poured out wine into the cup.
You shrugged taking a sip of the wine before smacking your lips loudly. āI was just curious to see how far youāre willing to deal with my bullshit.ā
āLanguage,ā Clark playfully scolded you. āAnd donāt I get a drink too?ā
āTake a seat on the couch, Iāll bring your drink right out.ā You winked at Clark, making him chuckle before doing so.
Clark was left alone in his living room for a few minutes before his eyes widened when you strolled into the room without your pants.
Clarkās mouth dropped in awe at the sight of you in your white dress shirt, underwear and knee high socks.
Clark blinked. āHoney? What happened to your pants?ā
āDonāt worry about them.ā You told Clark before straddling him, balancing the glass of wine in your hand.
Clark was a little bewildered by your erotic behaviour but he definitely didnāt mind it as his hands squeezed your waist.
āWhat happened to my drink?ā Clark asked, looking up at you in amusement.
You winked. āIām feeding you, obviously. A sweet treat after a hard dayās work and then having to entertain your boyfriendās teasing during dinner.ā
You leaned in, capturing Clarkās lips with yours in a soft kiss. Clark let out a sound of disapproval when you pulled away before he could deepen the kiss.
āDonāt be like that,ā Clark shivered at your sultry tone. āOpen your mouth, Iām gonna feed you now.ā
Clarkās lips parted without hesitation, getting a smug look from you as you took a sip from the cup in your hand before you leaned back down and pushed the wine into Clarkās mouth.
Clark made a surprised noise in the back of his throat, he had expected you to just tip the cup to his lips but he welcomed the new method of drinking wine.
Clark sucked on your tongue, the sweetness of the wine mixed with your saliva. āGive me more honey.ā
You took another sip before latching your lips with Clarkās, the wine pouring out of your mouth and into his.
Clark felt some of the wine trickle down his chin before your tongue was licking the excess wine off his face.
āDonāt wanna waste it.ā You murmured as you sat back, licking your lips.
Clark felt the side of his mouth twitch before he was reaching out to grab the glass of wine out of your hand.
āWhat are you doing?ā You pouted, gripping the glass tighter so Clark couldnāt snatch it out of your hand.
Clark smiled as he noticed your face getting redder from the wine. āI want to do more with you too hun but weāre not going to if youāre not sobered up.ā
āBut I still want to feed you.ā You whined, moving in Clarkās lap. Clark bit down on the bottom of his lip, both from wanting to laugh at how adorable you were being and how good it felt feeling your ass rub against his crotch.
Clarkās eyes widened when you decided to pour the remainder of the wine on the front of your dress shirt, soaking your chest as it showed off your perky nipples through the material of your shirt.
āThere,ā You exclaimed. āYou can drink more and I wonāt get drunk further.ā
Clark wasted no time as he latched his mouth onto one of your nipples, sucking a nub through your wine drenched shirt.
Clark let out a happy moan when you whimpered and tugged on the back of his head, pushing your chest into his face.
Clark chuckled, he loved when you would react needily in his arms.
āClark.ā You sighed when Clark stopped attacking your chest turned his attention to your neck, licking and biting against the skin to leave a mark.
Clark let out a satisfied rumble. āWhat do you need, honey?ā
āI need you.ā You gasped out, rolling your hips down into Clarkās lap. Clarkās breath hitched at the sweet friction you were giving him.
Clark licked his lips and nodded. āOkay hun but I need to open you up so you need to be patient with me, okay?ā
You made a noise of disapproval but didnāt argue when Clark unbuttoned your pants and slipped the waist of it down so it hooked right under the curves of your ass.
Clark smiled when you sighed as he grabbed your cheeks and fondled them in his hands.
āItās going to be a little uncomfortable, so you have to tell me if you want to stop.ā Clark told you.
Clark felt your fingers tighten on his shoulders when he pushed one finger in, pushing just pass the rim until the knuckle.
Clark swirled his finger in you, testing to see if he could find the prostate before he passed a bump that made you twitch in his arms.
āClark!ā You gasped out, eyes widening for a second before you leaned in to capture his lips in a heated kiss while you moved your hips in his lap.
Clark added another finger in, causing you to moan into his mouth.
You panted. āI want the real thing.ā
āJust a bit more, hun. Be patient.ā Clark told you, pushing his tongue into your mouth to distract you while he continued to open you up with his fingers until he felt you were ready for his cock.
Clark moaned against your mouth in surprise when one of your hands reached down to palm his cock through his pants before you blindly unlatched his belt and unbuttoned his pants to push your hand in to grasp his hardening length.
You whimpered against Clarkās mouth as you continued to ride his fingers while stroking his cock. āIām open, Clark. Donāt you want to stick your cock inside me?ā
Clark groaned, his cock twitched in your hand by your erotic words.
You gasped when Clark pulled his fingers out before he gently lifted you up so he could get the rest of his pants and underwear off his legs.
Clark was getting dizzy with lust as he aimed the head of his cock to your hole before you slowly sat down and took in the rest of his length.
āThatās it, honey. Take in what you can, this was what you wanted all night wasnāt it?ā Clark panted, feeling himself bottom out as you plopped onto his lap with a whimper.
You nodded wordlessly, latching your lips with Clarkās again as you started to ride his lap.
Clarkās eyes rolled to the back of his head, his hands held your waist as you rode him to your heartās desire. The constant warmth of your hole squeezing the life of his cock as you went into a rhythm was blowing his mind.
Clark sat back and watched in awe when you threw your head back with a sigh as you lost yourself in riding him.
Clarkās eyes traveled down from your wistful expression to the expose skin of your neck and still wet shirt before he reached up to unbutton the rest of your shirt off.
Clark was in a daze watching your chest rise and fall in front of his face before he quickly latched his lips onto on your nipples and sucked, his tongue lapping up the mixture of your sweat and dried wine on your skin as he focused on the nub.
You threw your arms over Clarkās shoulders, leaning your body forwards in surprise by his attack on your chest as your hips stuttered from the pleasure Clark was giving you.
Clark groaned when he bit down on your nipple, causing a domino effect when you squeezed your hole around his cock in response.
Clark spanked one of your cheeks, making you yelp before he turned his attention to your other nipple.
āClark, Iām gonna cum.ā You whimpered, tugging on the back of his head to pull him off your nipple.
Clark released his mouth from your chest with an audible pop, grinning up at you. āYeah? The next time weāre doing this, youāll be cumming with my tongue in your hole. Wouldnāt that be nice, hun?ā
āOh shit.ā You panted out before Clark felt your cock twitch in between your bodies as you ejaculated. The hot substance coated your bare abdomen and Clarkās shirt.
Clark followed right after, filling you up with his seed when the force of your own release squeezed his cock so hard that he couldnāt last longer.
You and Clark were breathing heavily in each otherās arms, the cloud of lust slowly dissipated from your minds as reality sank back in.
Clark felt your hands on his face before you kissed him sweetly on the lips, pulling away with a soft smile on your face.
āI canāt believe you let me do this.ā You chuckled.
Clark smirked. āWell, I canāt say that I wasnāt in for the ride. The thing with the wine was a nice change though, it was hot.ā
āSo should I feed you more wine directly from my mouth next time?ā You purred in interest, making Clark gulp.
Clark huffed. āMaybe we do it without our clothes on next time if weāre not using the wine glasses.ā
āThatās fair, I feel incredibly sticky right now.ā You scrunched up your face in disgust as you looked down at some of the red wine stains on your chest.
Clark smiled, patting you once on your cheek. āI think this calls for a good shower.ā
You yelped, your hands clung onto Clark as he stood up with ease while you were still on his lap. Your legs immediately wrapped themselves around his waist for a better grip.
āWarn a guy.ā You playfully scolded Clark, making him laugh.
Clark pecked you on the lips in apology. āIām sorry hun. Call it payback for me wanting to spend a nice dinner with you.ā
āFine,ā You rolled your eyes as Clark manoeuvred into the bedroom while still carrying you. āNext time, Iāll be on my best behaviour.ā
Clark put you down in front of the bathroom and before you could walk in to start the shower, he pulled you back to graze his lips against yours with a teasing smile on his face. āNext time, weāre doing things my way.ā
*****
Authorās note:
Hope yāall donāt mind some short smut with Clark, I do miss him dearly
you donāt know why you thought simon would be a cocky fuck.
maybe it was how cool and collected he always was. that hot, quiet confidence.
if only you knew when youād finally got him into bed. ready for him to be rough, to be a little mean, not that youād mind.
in reality, he was whining into your neck as he pumped into you at a primal speed. whispering and mumbling half words into your throat as he groped you anywhere he could. his eyes were rolled and he was drooling on your collarbone.
āo-oh.. oh, fuck- nghhhuhh⦠yyeah?.. awww⦠my baby.. gonna fill y-you⦠mhmā¦ā
sweet little brain-numb nothings falling of the tongue of the smartest, coldest man you know.
and you couldāve cum just from the sight when he lifted his head and started actually panting and pathetically stuttering his hips against yours like a mutt.
summary: Jack's a good attending. He's nice to you. Polite. But he doesn't treat you like he does the others. He doesn't send you smiles. He never laughs with you, and he never seeks out your company. It hurts enough that you've decided to leave and take an attending position elsewhere.
tags: hurt/comfort, angst, coworkers to lovers, fluff, pining
word count: 3.4k
a/n: this was supposed to just be a short little thing, but oh well, here we are. hope you enjoy! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated! (I've also decided not to have a tag list for the pitt in general, you can turn on notifications for my blog instead <33)
The Pitt | Masterlist
Main | Masterlist
It's not that you think Jack dislikes you. If anything, that would be easier to deal with. Dislike has edgesāsharpness and intentionāsomething you can point to and name.
This is different. It's quieter than that. This is the sense that Jack simply doesn't care, at least not in any way that reaches beyond professional obligation.
On paper, he's everything he's supposed to be. A good attending and a good teacher. He doesn't blatantly ignore your questionsāheās never cruel or dismissive. When you speak, he listens, and he adjusts treatments when you suggest them. He also isnāt shy to tell you when you've done a good job.
But in practice, there's distance. A careful politeness between you. He engages only when he must, and never more than necessary. He doesn't joke with you the way he does with the others. Where his praise to other residents might go into detail or be accompanied by a smile, his praise to you is vague and efficientāhe barely even smiles at you. The thing that, somehow, hurts the most is the fact that he never does his staring thing with you, the one that everyone else jokes about.
You tell yourself not to let it get to you. You try to accept that this is just how it isāthat not everyone clicks and that not every connection is meant to happen. Some people just pass through your life and remain professional acquaintances, and nothing more. You tell yourself those are simply the cards that you've been dealt with Jack.
But it still sucks. More than you want to admit.
Because he's the one that you gravitated towards when you started your residency at the Pitt. The one whose instincts you trusted without hesitation. The one you thought, somehow, you'd click with.
Watching him bond so easily with Ellisāwho's been there just as long as youāhurts in a way that still catches you off guard even now, with only months left until you're an attending. It's sharp and unexpected, a small grief you don't know what to do with.
And when new people arrive, it's even worse. You watch him warm up to them easily, watch how his walls come down for strangers while they stay firmly in place with you. Because even after years of knowing each other, he remains cold and detached around you.
You can't figure out what you did wrong. You've replayed conversations, moments, and expressions. Searching for a misstep. For anything. But there's nothing. Nothing he's done suggests you've failed in some obvious way. He speaks to you. He listens. He treats you fairly.
He just never seeks you out. Never sits next to you unless there's no other choice. Never chooses you first.
And somehow, that hurts more than outright rejection ever could.
"So, how about you? Any news? Please tell me you're staying?ā Lena asks, shifting her attention from Ellis to you. She tilts her head slightly, glasses sliding down her nose to look at you directly.
You lean against the counter at the hub, letting your shoulders drop for a moment. Just a small breath before the ever-demanding Pitt craves your attention again.
"Not sure yet," you say, shrugging slightly. āIām leaning toward Chicagoāor maybe Boston. I've heard good things about them.ā
"Nooo," Lena groans, dragging out the sound as genuine disappointment fills the air. "How will I survive if you're both leaving?"
"Guess you'll have to make do with Abbot and Shen," Ellis quips, half-listening while she charts.
"Ugh," Lena grimaces with a teasing smile.
You chuckle, a soft but unconvincing sound, at least in your ears. "Well, if you play nice, I might change my mind," you say, offering her a small smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes.
It's not that you don't want to stayāin fact, you'd love to stay. You've even been offered an attending position here, a stability you've been craving after years of residency, because it would mean you wouldn't have to move again or find new friends. But part of you knows it might be better in the long term to go somewhere else.
Anywhere else but here.
Because here... Here, it hurts. Being around Jack while he's warm with everyone else, watching him bond with new people, while you remain just another face in the crowd, is a constant, sharp ache you can't quite mask.
You glance across the hub, where Jack is talking quietly with Ellis now. His hands gesture softly as he explains somethingāhe's fully present, fully engaged in what Ellis is sayingāand you can't help the bitter sting of knowing he would never look at you like that. He would never seek you out to share a funny story or save that half-smile for you alone.
Mid-talk, his eyes flicker toward you like he can feel the burning heat of your gaze, but he looks away just as fast.
Lena notices the shadow crossing your features. "Hey," she says softly, tapping your arm with a gentle hand. "You okay?"
You force your face back into neutral, nodding at her. "Yeah, just thinking about a patient," you murmur.
You'd never tell her the truthāthat an overwhelming part of you is aching to stay so that you can be near someone who doesn't notice you the way you see him. That part of you wants a front-row seat to Jack opening up to everyone else but you. You're masochistic in that sense.
Lena frowns, clearly unconvinced, but she doesn't press any further, thankfully. "Well," she says, letting her tone brighten. "I'm going to hold out hope. We need you here. You make this place less terrible."
You manage to send her a small but genuine smile. "I'll think about it," you say.
But even as the words leave your mouth, you know part of you is already planning your exit. Not because you don't love this place, not because you don't like your team, but because staying means living with that quiet, gnawing longing. And maybe, you're not that into self-inflicted pain after all.
A fresh start somewhere new might hurt less in the long run. It might let you breathe without feeling like every laugh, every joke, every casual glance Jack gives to someone else is a reminder of what you can't have.
You take one last look at the hub, at the familiar chaos, at Jack leaning against the counter laughing with Ellis, and swallow the ache back down. You heave a soft sigh as you straighten up again and reenter the Pitt.
It's nearly seven in the morning, just the soft murmur of patients, the low hum of the fluorescent lights and a distant clatter of carts filling the otherwise semi-quiet ER.
You're sitting at the computer finishing the last of your charts, more than ready to go home and sleep for several hours. You're typing as fast as you can when a shadow falls across the keyboard.
"You're leaving?" Jack's voice is calm and measured, but there's a subtle weight to it that you've never heard before. He's standing behind you now, one hand resting lightly on the edge of the desk as he logs onto a computer. He doesn't look at you directly.
You glance up, trying to keep your tone neutral. "Yeah, m'just about finished."
"No, I mean... the Pitt?" he finally shifts his gaze, just barely meeting yours. It's only for a fraction of a second, but it's enough to make your chest tighten. That tiny tilt of his head, the slight pause in his rhythmāit feels like it should matter. Like he's going to say something more.
You blink, caught off guard. "Oh.. Uh, yeah, maybe. I'm not sure yet," you murmur.
He nods slowly, almost imperceptibly. Then he turns back to the keyboard, typing again. Sharp, precise keystrokes. His jaw clenches once, just once, but he doesn't speak again. Doesn't reach across the space between you. Doesn't ask you to stay.
That small flicker of hope in your chest sparks out again. The small hope that he'd maybe say, 'Don't go. Stay here'. The hope that maybe this quiet and distant man has noticed more than he lets on. But the hope fades as quickly as it appeared, extinguished by the steady thrum of his typing and the efficiency of his nod.
You force yourself to breathe evenly, to turn back to your screen, but your hands pause over the keyboard. The room feels heavier now, charged with unspoken dreams and hopes. Jack's just being polite. Professional. Exactly like he's always been. And yet, for the briefest, cruellest second, it felt like he could have changed your mind, like he could have made you stay, if he had just asked.
But he didn't.
So you return your fingers to the keyboard, continue typing as the decision solidifies in your chest. Chicago. Boston. Anywhere but here.
Anywhere where he isn't.
The week passes like it always does. Or at least, it kind of does. It's the same patients, the same fluorescent-lit hallways, the same stale coffee in the breakroom. And yet, something feels... off. Not wrong, but just different enough to keep you slightly on edge, like crackling air before a storm.
Maybe it's hope colouring your perception, but it feels like Jack is noticing you more. It starts small. Subtle things you could easily explain away if you wanted to. He pauses when you enter a room, just a sliver longer than necessary, as if recalibrating. He asks for your opinion more than he ever has during examinations, and digs deeper than he ever used to. When you speak, he listens diligently. Not the professional attention he used to give you, but something more focusedāmore intentional.
He also seeks you out in the halls now. Not obviously, but just enough that you start to see a pattern. Enough that you've started to notice how his gait slows to keep up with yours, and his arm brushes past yours more than it ever has in the years you've been here. A casual alignment of schedules that somehow places him beside you more often than not, with an almost excessive amount of check-ins when you're with a patient that feel unnecessary, especially because he never disagrees with you.
His praise is also different. It's not the usual generic approval you've become accustomed to. It's specific and thoughtful. He references things you said weeks ago, brings up details of patients you've treated months back, things you didn't realise he'd ever noticed.
He also meets your eyes now. Doesn't let it flicker away like usual, but lets it linger. As if he's hoping you'll see something in his eyes that he isnāt saying out loud. Youāre almost happy he hasnāt done this the entire time youāve been here because each time your breath catches before you can stop it, a flush creeping up your neck. Hiding a crush when you have such a visceral reaction to him would not have lasted long in this place.
You replay all these moments later at home, dissecting every word and action, trying to decide if they mean what you hope or if you're projecting meaning where there is none. Because is this real, or are you imagining it all because you've decided to leave?
You don't dare voice the thought or the silly hope that flickers back to life in your chest. Hopes and dreams this big, this sudden, are dangerous. They make you careless and make disappointment sharper when it eventually comes. And it will come. Because why would he suddenly be changing?
Just because he heard you might be leaving?
The idea feels ridiculous the moment it forms. An impossible wish. That's not a reason for him to change his behaviour. He probably hasn't even spared it more than a passing thought. You're overthinking, reading significance into coincidence, and you should really stop letting hope get ahead of reality.
Still, the thought refuses to leave.
Lena's comments also echo in the back of your mind throughout the week, playful nudges and gentle prodding, hoping to sway your mind. "We need you here, you know," she says one evening, leaning against the counter. "Things wouldn't be the same without you around."
You grin and shrug, deflecting as always. "I'm still thinking about it."
And you mean it. Because part of youāan increasingly loud and reckless partāis considering staying more seriously than you ever expected. Not just for the work, not just for the familiarity or the team, but for the unanswered question that now follows you through every corridor and examination room.
You tell yourself it's foolish. That you can't make decisions based on glances and half-smiles and moments that might mean nothing at all. But when Jack looks up from his seat as you pass, his expression softening just slightly at the sight of you, you feel the weight of the choice rumbling in your chest.
And how leaving doesn't feel as inevitable anymore.
It's an early morning once againāyet another night shift finished. You're at the lockers, one of the last to leave due to a difficult patient, but now, you're finally catching a hold of your backpack, more than ready for your four days off. You're rummaging through it, trying to locate your lip balm, when a voice cuts through your thoughts.
"You should stay." Jack comes to a stop in front of you, one shoulder leaning against the lockers.
You frown at him. "What? Do you need me to work a double?"
"No. I... Here. You should stay here as an attending." His tone is firm, a pleading lilt to it that youāre definitely imagining, but his eyes are steady on yours.
You shrug, looking back at your backpack, fingers finally grabbing onto the small tube. "Eh... You'll be fine without meāmaybe, you can convince Ellis to stay."
"I don't want Ellis to stay," he says bluntly, head tilting to try and catch your eye again.
You blink at the words, head snapping towards his without meaning to.
"I want you to stay," he adds, voice quieter now, but there's no mistaking the sincerity.
You can't hide the shock in your expression, eyebrows drawing up. "I⦠I don't understand. You don't like me."
There's a flicker of confusion on his face, as if he's struggling with how you've arrived at that conclusion. "I do."
You huff an incredulous laugh, pulling the straps of your backpack on and slipping the lip balm into your jacket pocket. "You don't have to lie to me. It's fine. I get it."
Jack stares at you. "I'm not lying."
Your locker snaps shut, and you shrug at him. "Honestly, it's fine. We don't have to talk about it. We're colleaguesāyou don't have to like me." You move to step around him, hoping you'll make it outside before he can see the tears that you can feel pressing behind your eyes.
But you barely make two steps before his hand grabs hold of your sleeve, forcing you to stop. You halt, facing the door, as his hand falls to his side again, like he hadn't meant to do that, just charged outwards to make you stay, instinct taking hold of him. He moves to stand in front of you again.
"I like you too much," he admits, his voice low and earnest. A confession you'd imagined so many times that it almost doesn't register as being real. Except you can hear how his breath quickens, see the vulnerability displayed in his eyes, and feel the distant heat of his body.
"What?" you whisper, barely daring to breathe.
"I thought it was best to keep my distance. Avoid playing favourites accidentally, and make you a target for unwarranted rumours. I wanted your abilities to shine on their own, not let them be coloured by how much I like you. You're a fantastic doctor. Brilliant. So funny. Andā" he pauses, swallowing as if the next word is spiny, tiny needles spiking his throat and tongue as it leaves his mouth, "beautiful. It wouldn't have been fair to jeopardise your career just because I liked you. So I kept my distance. I'm sorry if it came out wrong."
Shock drenches you from head to toe, an icy coldness that freezes you to the ground. "You like me? Like⦠like-like me?" you whisper, your voice cracking slightly.
His mouth twitches with amusement at the phrasing, but his eyes stay serious. "Yes. But that's not why you should stay. The department needs you. We work better when you're here. I⦠I work better."
You don't think your brain works anymore. Just loose wiring firing off into empty space. Because this canāt be real.
"Think about it," he says, with a final lingering glance before he steps out again.
Uh huh. You'll think about it. You'll probably do nothing else but think about the next four days.
It's nearly midnight by the time the worst of the chaos is under control. You're sitting at the hub, sipping your barely lukewarm coffee, delivered by DoorDash earlier, after a mistaken belief that the chaos was over, only to have one sip before it was promptly left on the counter for longer than you'd hoped.
At least it's still somewhat hot. (It's really not, but you've spent money on it, so you're going to delude yourself.)
There's a soft shuffle of footsteps in the distance that eventually stops in front of you. You glance up to find Jack there, hands holding casually onto his stethoscope.
"Crazy night, huh," he says, voice low and hesitant. You've not had a chance to talk yet, both of you immediately pulled into the chaos when you arrived. And the brief respite youād had was while he was still in trauma. But you've felt his eyes on you throughout it all, the rumour he's heard written all over his face but isn't sure he can truly count on, not until he's heard from your lips.
The rumour that you'd decided to stay.
Which you have, and somehow, it has already slipped out to the staff. Probably Lenaās doing, or Dana's. The two charge nurses stick their noses in everything that's going on in the Pitt (said with the most fondness). And with how much Lena's been begging, you wouldn't be surprised if it were her.
"Yeah, but at least my coffee isn't completely cold," you reply, lifting your cup slightly.
His eyes crinkle, a knowing smile tugging at his lips, all too aware of how coffee is mostly drunk cold in these parts. "Still better than that iced crap Shen keeps bringing in. I will never get why you would purposefully choose to drink it cold. Coffee's meant to be hot."
You huff a laugh at his complaining and take another sip. "This is from that new place around the corner. It's good. You should try it sometime."
He nods. There's a pause. You can feel it stretching around you until he clears his throat. "I... I heard you're staying."
You nod, a small smile playing on your lips. "Yeah. Iāum, I thought about it and decided this is a good place for me."
He looks you deep in the eye. "Really?"
"Really," you confirm, setting the cup down.
Jack exhales, a small, relieved sound, finally relaxing now that he's heard it from the source itself. "Good. That's... really good."
There's another pause, the two of you staring at each other. But it's not awkward, just warm.
You stand up, dropping the cup into a bin, but just before you pass him, you lean in and whisper, using every last bit of bravado you have (hoping sincerely he hasnāt changed his mind). "I like you, too, by the way."
You see his brows lift, eyes widening just a fraction before a slow, real smile spreads across his face. Wider than you ever seen it aimed at you.
"Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee⦠and get to know each other? Maybe at that place you know?" he asks, voice careful, and almost shy.
"Yeah," you say, grinning just as wide. "I'd like that. After shift?"
"Yes," he says, the last remaining tension in his shoulders easing.
And for the first time in months, maybe years, you leave the hub with a lightness in your chest.
Thinking your legs spread wide, Simon folded down onto his knees in between those plush thighs of yours, massive frame bowed forward, arms wrapped tight around your waist, big hands splayed across the soft give of your belly and lower back.
Im thinking of his facd pressed right to the warm, inner curve of your thigh, cheek squished into the fat, pillowy flesh, feel every slow, dazed breath he takes, ghosting over sensitive skin, ruffling the fine hairs there.
Im thinking of his pretty brown eyes- usually so sharp they could cut glass- look up at you with the dumbest, sweetest, most fucked out expression youāve ever seen. Lashes heavy, pupils blown wide and glassy. Mouth slack, lips parted, thin string of drool slipping from the corner and smearing shiny across your thigh but he doesnāt notice. Too deep. Too far gone.
Thinking about every time your fingers card slow and gentle through his short, sweat damp hair, his eyes flutter and he makes this low, broken little sound in the back of his throat- half whine, half sigh.
Simonās arms tightening around your waist, pulling your soft body closer, face nuzzling deeper into the plush meat of your thigh. You feeling the rasp of his stubble, the wet heat of his open mouth, the way his nose drags slow and mindless. Shoulders loose, spine curved in total surrender.
Ghost kneeling between your spread legs, face buried against your fat thigh, looking up at you like you hung the fucking moon and heād die if you stopped petting him, too puppy dumb to think about anything but the way your thigh feels under his cheek.
ā¦..not even six hours later i got an offer of a well paying full time long-term job with free room and board in queens in nyc, allowing me independence and a way to escape an abusive situation and an unhealthy environment
likes charge reblogs cast, folks, this is the good luck post
the last time I reblogged this post right before I got a great job, in a permanent work-from-home position, with benefits, retirement, and a salary literally 3x what I was making before, doing something I really like.Ā
warnings 18+ : no use of y/n, somnophilia, oral sex (f recieving), unprotected sex, forced turning, imprisonment against the readerās will, dddne, graphic violence & gore, brutal murders, dismemberment, skull-crushing, throat-ripping, blood-draining, extreme rough sex (dw thereās soft scenes too), bone-breaking, bruising, bleeding, pain mixed with pleasure during sex, breaking and entering, theft of intimate items, constant surveillance, stalking & obsession, graphic biting, forced blood-drinking, blood-sharing memories, heavy blood kink, murder of the readerās ex and other men, trauma flashbacks (plague death, war violence), suicidal ideation from bucky, heavy angst and toxic obsessive āloveā
authorās note : my BIGGEST thank you goes to the loveliest anon who dropped a vampire!bucky request in my inbox š«¶š Iām literally a huge vampire nerd so this + my fave fictional man?? you KNOW I couldnāt keep it a tiny drabble⦠little heads up before you read⦠ITāS DARK..... so pls pls read the warnings first and then enjoyyy <33 (and I might be open to writing a pt.2 sooo lmk if youād want that š)
Before the world burned with plague and death, James Buchanan Barnes was the most dangerously handsome bastard in all of plague-shadowed London. At twenty-four, he stood tall and broad-shouldered, with striking steel-blue eyes that could disarm a woman with a single glance, a sharp jawline and an easy, crooked smirk that promised both sin and salvation in the same breath.
His dark hair was tousled from brawls and eager fingers, his body toned hard from years as a mercenary, lean muscle, old battle scars and a swagger so confident it turned heads in every tavern, alehouse and alley from Southwark to Cheapside.
He knew exactly what he was. And he used it without a shred of shame or mercy.
Cocky to the marrow of his bones, sharp-tongued and arrogant as Lucifer himself, Bucky lived as though the world owed him pleasure, coin and willing flesh. By day he sold his sword to the highest bidder. By night he sold his body to any woman bold enough to meet his gaze. Tavern wenches with loud laughs and rough hands, blushing noble daughters sneaking out after curfew, widowed merchantsā wives starved for a manās touch and painted whores in the stews, he fucked them all. Often two or three in the same night, sometimes all at once.
He never stayed till morning. Never asked their surnames. Never cared.
One humid summer night in a crowded Southwark tavern, he had a fiery red-haired barmaid bent over a stack of ale barrels out back. Her skirts were rucked up around her waist and he was pounding into her so hard the barrels creaked and shifted beneath them. He gripped her hips with calloused hands, lips brushing her ear as he growled low and filthy,
āThatās it, ye greedy little slut⦠take every thick inch of my cock. Moan louder, lass- let the whole fucking street hear how well Iām ruining this tight, dripping cunt of yers.ā
She came with a shaking cry, knees buckling. Bucky laughed darkly, low and wicked and pulled out only to spin her around and shove her to her knees in the dirt.
āOpen that pretty mouth,ā he ordered, fisting his thick cock. āIām going to spend down yer throat like the good little cocksucker ye are.ā
She obeyed eagerly and he fucked her mouth until he spilled with a satisfied groan.
Two nights later, he found himself in a lavish merchantās townhouse with twin noble daughters whose father was away on business. The sisters knelt before him in their fine shifts, taking turns sucking his cock while he sat like a king upon their fatherās velvet chair. He tangled his fingers in their soft hair, voice low and dripping with filth:
āLook at you two proper little ladies⦠choking on a lowly mercenaryās cock like common whores in the stews. Share it nicely now- lick my balls while yer sister swallows me down. Good girls. Iām going to fuck both yer tight cunts senseless until ye canāt walk straight on the morrow.ā
He took them one after the other on their fatherās fine bed, then together, whispering the most depraved things between deep thrusts:
āDoes it feel good, feeling yer sisterās slick all over my cock while Iām buried inside ye? Ye like being fucked like cheap sluts, donāt ye?ā
The girls moaned and begged for more, and Bucky gave it to them until they were trembling and spent.
Later that same month, he fucked a widowed countess in her own marriage bed, her late husbandās portrait glaring down at them from the wall while he railed her hard from behind. He slapped her ass sharply, leaving a red handprint, and snarled against her ear,
āBet that cold old bastard never fucked ye like this, did he? Say it, my lady- tell me how much better my thick cock feels stretching this neglected, dripping noble cunt of yers.ā
āBetter,ā she gasped, pushing back against him shamelessly. āSo much better- please, harder!ā
He laughed, dark and triumphant, and gave her exactly what she begged for.
He never asked. He simply took, with that devastating smirk, those piercing steel-blue eyes and that rough, velvet voice dripping pure sin. Women dropped to their knees the second he crooked a finger and flashed that wicked grin. Word of him spread through the taverns and great houses alike: if you wanted a night youād never forget, you sought out James Barnes.
To him, life was cheap and fleeting, especially with the dark rumors of a terrible sickness creeping ever closer from the continent. So why not wring every last drop of pleasure from it while he still could? Death was for the weak, the unlucky, the overly cautious. James Buchanan Barnes was none of those things. He felt invincible, already half-immortal in his own mind, a king of fleeting nights and stolen pleasures.
Until the night the plague finally found him in that filthy alley behind the tavern.
James had just finished with a laughing barmaid behind the tavern, still tucking his cock back into his breeches with that signature cocky smirk when the nightmare lunged out of the shadows.
The man was a nobleman once, fine clothes now stained and torn but the plague had rotted him from the inside. Black buboes swelled grotesquely on his neck and groin, his skin slick with fever-sweat and pus. His eyes, however, burned with something far worse than the pestilence. They were mad. Hungry. And his mouth was open, revealing long, sharp fangs glistening with saliva and fresh blood.
Bucky tried to fight.
Even half-drunk and sated, the young mercenary was no easy prey. He swung a heavy fist and caught the creature square in the jaw with a solid crack.
āGet the fuck off me, ye sick bastard!ā he snarled, terror spiking through the haze of ale.
The noblemanās strength was unnatural. He slammed Bucky against the slimy brick wall of the alley with bone-jarring force. The stench of death, decay and rotting flesh filled Buckyās lungs, making him gag. He kicked wildly, cursed, and clawed at the creatureās rotting face, drawing blood and pus beneath his nails.
āUnhand me, you foul whoreson!ā
But the dying vampire was too far gone. With a guttural, inhuman hiss, he struck.
Fangs sank deep into Buckyās throat.
The pain was immediate and blinding.
James screamed, a raw broken sound that echoed off the narrow alley walls. It felt as though liquid fire had been poured straight into his veins. Every nerve in his body ignited at once. His back arched violently as the venom spread like acid through muscle and bone. He dropped to his knees in the filth and shit of the alley, clawing desperately at his own neck. Hot blood poured between his fingers, soaking his tunic.
āWhat⦠what the fuck have ye done to me?!ā he gasped, voice cracking with raw terror. āGet off- get off me, ye devil!ā
The nobleman collapsed beside him with a grotesque, satisfied smile still twisting his rotting face, finally dead.
Buckyās vision blurred and doubled. His gums burned as though someone had shoved hot coals into his mouth. New fangs pushed through with agonizing slowness, splitting the flesh, flooding his mouth with the metallic taste of his own blood. His eyes felt like they were boiling in his skull, bloodshot crimson, pupils blown wide with unbearable pain. Every heartbeat slammed against his ribs like a war drum, each one slower, heavier, more labored than the last.
He vomited bile and blood onto the filthy cobblestones, curling into a tight ball as wave after wave of excruciating pain ripped him apart from the inside out. Nothing in his life, no sword wound, no tavern brawl, no brutal fuck had ever come close to this torment.
āIām dying,ā he gasped between screams. āChrist save me⦠Iām dyingā¦ā
Then his heart stopped.
For one terrifying, endless moment there was only silence.
And then a new, monstrous strength flooded his limbs.
The pain crested like a breaking wave and shattered. The fire in his veins cooled into something cold, sharp, and impossibly clear. His senses exploded. He could hear rats skittering through the gutters three streets away. He could smell the fear-sweat and ale on every patron still inside the tavern. He could taste the copper of his own blood like the finest wine heād ever stolen.
James Buchanan Barnes rose slowly from the filth of the alley a different man.
No longer the cocky mortal who believed himself invincible.
Now he was invincible.
The arrogance did not vanish overnight. It simply twisted into something far colder, darker and infinitely more dangerous. A ravenous hunger gnawed at his insides like a living beast. He staggered out of the alley on unsteady legs, eyes glowing faintly red in the darkness, new fangs aching in his gums. The whole world smelled of blood and opportunity.
For the next three centuries he drifted across Europe like a handsome plague all his own, still devastatingly beautiful, now paired with an immortal predatorās lethal grace. He took lovers by the dozen and left ruin in his wake.
He fucked them hard and mercilessly.
In silk-draped beds of French chateaus, he would take haughty countesses from behind while their husbands slept in the next room. Heād grip their hips hard enough to bruise, pounding into them until they sobbed with pleasure, then sink his fangs into their offered throats as they came. Many begged for it, baring their necks willingly, whispering āTake me, my lord⦠drinkā as he drained them just enough to leave them dizzy and addicted.
In moonlit forests of Germany, he seduced witches who offered their wrists and throats in dark rituals. Heād fuck them against ancient trees or on moss-covered altars, their bare breasts bouncing with every brutal thrust while they chanted his name like a god. He drank from them mid-climax, their blood mixing with their screams of ecstasy as he filled their cunts with his spend.
In the secret royal chambers of Spain and Italy, queens and duchesses summoned him under cover of night. They offered their royal throats like sacred gifts, spreading their legs and begging the beautiful monster to ruin them. He would fuck them on their own thrones or royal beds, merciless and unrelenting, leaving bite marks that they would hide beneath high collars and jewels for weeks.
Even peasant girls in haylofts and smoky inns were not spared. They offered themselves eagerly, wrists, throats, thighs, drawn to his dangerous beauty like moths to flame. He took them roughly against barn walls or on piles of straw, growling filthy promises in their ears as he drove into them:
āThatās it, lass⦠bare that pretty throat for me. Let me drink while I fuck this tight cunt raw.ā
He was never gentle. He fucked like the predator he had become, deep, brutal and possessive. Many women left his bed limping, marked and forever changed, craving the bite of the beautiful devil who had ruined them for mortal men.
And when the hunger demanded more than just sex, he fed.
He drank from wrists held out like offerings, from elegant throats bared in candlelight, from soft inner thighs spread wide beneath him. He never killed them, not unless they deserved it. He left them alive, dazed and addicted, whispering his name in their dreams for years afterward.
Then he vanished before dawn.
No attachments. No feelings. No mercy.
Just blood and pleasure.
He moved from city to city, country to country, leaving a trail of broken hearts, bitten throats and ruined reputations in his wake.
Until the second wave of plague swept through London in 1665⦠and brought him Dolores.
It was a rain-soaked evening when James first met Dolores.
He was walking the narrow, muddy streets of Cheapside, hood pulled low against the downpour, when a young woman hurried around the corner with a heavy basket of herbs clutched to her chest. She collided directly with him.
She stumbled, nearly dropping her basket. He caught her elbow with gentle, steady hands.
āForgive me, mistress,ā he murmured, voice low and rough. āI was not watching where I-ā
Their eyes met.
And she knew.
She saw the faint red glow in his eyes, the unnatural stillness of his body, the way the rain seemed to slide off him differently. She smelled the old death that clung to him like a shadow. Most mortals would have screamed or run.
Dolores only smiled, soft, unafraid, almost tender.
āYouāre him,ā she whispered, so quietly only he could hear. āThe one the shadows speak of. The immortal with the devilās hunger.ā
James froze. For the first time in centuries, he was the one caught off guard.
āAnd yet ye do not run,ā he said, voice low and dangerous, eyes narrowing. āMost women throw themselves at me for the thrill of the monster. They bare their throats and beg to be ruined. Why do you not scream?ā
She looked up at him with calm, intelligent eyes, rain dripping from her lashes.
āBecause I see more than the monster,ā she replied softly. āI see a man who is tired. Lonely. Carrying centuries of sorrow in those beautiful eyes. Tell me, stranger⦠does the hunger ever let you rest?ā
James stared at her, stunned into silence. No one had ever spoken to him like this.
That night, after she invited him into the back room of her fatherās apothecary shop under the pretense of selling him a tonic, she offered him something far more precious.
āI know what you are,ā she said softly, standing close enough that he could hear her steady heartbeat. āAnd I am not afraid. If you wish to drink⦠you may. But only if it brings me pleasure, not pain. I want to know what it feels like to be wanted by something eternal.ā
James stared at her, stunned. No one had ever offered themselves to him like this, without fear or mindless lust.
āDolores,ā he breathed, tasting the name like a prayer. āAre you certain? I am no gentle lover. I have ruined women far braver than you.ā
She cupped his face with gentle hands, thumbs brushing his cheekbones. āThen be gentle with me, my James. Show me the man behind the hunger. Kiss me first.ā
He kissed her slowly, reverently, as if she were the most fragile thing in existence. When she moaned softly into his mouth, he deepened the kiss, tongue sliding against hers while his hands explored her body with aching care.
That same night, in the small room above the shop with rain pattering against the window, he took her virginity.
He laid her down on the narrow bed like she was made of Venetian glass. He kissed every inch of her, slow worshipful kisses down her throat, across her collarbones, over the soft swell of her breasts. When he reached the apex of her thighs, he worshipped her with his mouth until she was trembling and whimpering.
āEasy, my sweet Dot,ā he murmured against her slick folds, voice low and tender. āBreathe for me. Let me make it good for you. I want to hear every sound you make.ā
He licked her slowly, reverently, sucking gently on her clit until she came with a soft cry, fingers tangled in his hair.
When he finally pushed inside her, he did it so slowly, so carefully, whispering sweet, filthy praises the entire time.
āThatās it, love⦠breathe. You feel so perfect. So warm and tight around my cock. Such a brave, beautiful girl, taking me so well. Does it hurt?ā
āA little,ā she gasped, legs wrapping around him. āBut donāt stop. I want all of you, James. Please.ā
He moved with aching gentleness, rocking into her in slow, deep strokes, one hand cradling her face while the other stroked between her legs.
āYouāre doing so well,ā he whispered against her lips. āMy perfect Dot. Look at you, opening up for a monster like me. Iāve never felt anything like this. Never wanted anyone the way I want you.ā
As she neared her peak, he kissed her throat and asked softly, āMay I taste you, love? It will feel like pleasure⦠I swear it on whatever soul I have left.ā
āYes,ā she breathed, tilting her head. āTake what you need. I want to feel you.ā
He sank his fangs gently into her throat at the exact moment she came. She cried out in ecstasy, not pain, as his venom flooded her veins with liquid pleasure. He drank only a little, just enough to bind her to him while she clenched around his cock, sobbing his name.
āMy James⦠oh God, James⦠it feels⦠so goodā¦ā
For the first time in three hundred years, the cold, womanizing predator fell in love. Real, terrifying, all-consuming love. Dot became his anchor, his light in an endless night. She made the hunger feel like home. They moved into a small cottage on the edge of the city, hidden behind overgrown gardens. He watched her work by lamplight, head bent over dried herbs and for stolen months he felt almost human again.
He was gentle with her in ways he had never been with anyone. He would fuck her slow and deep on their modest bed, whispering filthy devotion between tender kisses:
āMy sweet Dot⦠so tight, so perfect for me. Look how beautifully you take my cock. Iād burn kingdoms for this cunt, for you.ā
She would moan his name like a prayer, fingers buried in his hair, gasping āMy James⦠my Jamesā¦ā as she came apart beneath him, safe in the arms of the monster who had chosen to be gentle for her.
But the plague found her anyway.
It started with a mild fever and a small swelling under her arm. Bucky begged her to stay inside. She insisted on helping the sick in the city āI cannot sit idle while people die, James.ā Within days she was burning with fever, black buboes blooming across her neck and groin, coughing up blood.
He took her to the only hospital-like place that would accept plague victims, a filthy overcrowded pesthouse run by overworked physicians and nuns. The air reeked of vinegar, smoke, and rotting flesh. They bled her, applied useless poultices, and prayed over her while she grew weaker. Bucky waited outside in the shadows like an animal, listening to her faint cries through the walls.
When the doctors finally told him there was nothing more they could do āShe is in Godās hands nowā he snapped. He stole her from the pesthouse that same night, carrying her home in his arms while she shivered and whimpered.
āIāve got you, Dot. Iām not letting them touch you again.ā
Back in their cottage, he took matters into his own hands. Desperate and terrified, he forced his ancient vampire blood down her throat by the cupful. He reopened the bites on his wrists again and again, mixing his blood with herbal tonics she once made, performing every forbidden rite he had learned across three centuries. He even tried to turn her prematurely, sinking his fangs into her throat while she was still semi-conscious, pumping venom and blood into her failing body in a frantic attempt to save her.
It only made everything worse.
His powerful blood clashed violently with the plague already devouring her. The buboes swelled larger and burst. Her fever spiked into delirium. She screamed in agony as her body tore itself apart from the inside, convulsing so hard she bit through her own lip. The vampire venom accelerated the plagueās destruction, turning her gentle decline into a nightmare of pain.
In her final hours she was barely lucid. Bucky climbed into bed with her, cradling her burning body against his chest, rocking her as she gasped for air.
āStay with me, Dot⦠please, my love. I canāt do this without you.ā
Her eyes fluttered open one last time, bloodshot, fading but full of love. She reached up with a trembling, fever-hot hand and cupped his tear-streaked face.
āMy Jamesā¦ā she breathed, voice cracking like glass. āI love you⦠even the monster. Donāt⦠donāt blame yourself.ā
Then she screamed.
A horrible, soul-shattering scream as another wave of pain ripped through her. She clawed at her own chest and neck, eyes wide with terror and agony, whispering his name like a broken litany until her voice failed. Bucky held her through every convulsion, sobbing blood tears into her sweat-soaked hair, begging, praying, cursing God and himself.
She died just before dawn, limp and cold in the arms of the immortal who had tried everything and only hastened her suffering.
The silence afterward was worse than any scream.
Completely shattered, Bucky remained on the bed where they had been lying together.
Dot was still in his arms, limp and cold against his chest, exactly where she had drawn her last painful breath. He held her tighter, rocking her gently as if that could somehow bring her back. The silence in the small cottage was deafening, broken only by the distant rumble of plague carts outside and the crackling of the dying fire in the hearth.
Tears of blood streamed down his face as he pressed his lips to her forehead one final time.
āIām sorry, my love,ā he whispered, voice hoarse and broken. āIām so sorry I couldnāt save you. Forgive me, Dot⦠forgive your monster.ā
With trembling hands, he gently laid her back against the pillows, arranging her hair and pulling the quilt up to her chin like she was only sleeping.
Then he rose.
He moved through the cottage like a man in a nightmare, pouring oil from every lamp and bottle he could find. He soaked the floorboards, the rugs, the curtains, the herbs and dried flowers she had so lovingly collected. He drenched the wooden beams and the table where she used to mix tonics.
When the entire home was saturated in oil, he returned to the bed.
He stood over her for a long moment, memorizing her peaceful face one last time. Then he struck the match.
The flames roared to life with terrifying speed, greedy and hungry, racing across the floor and climbing the walls. Bucky stayed right there beside the bed as the fire reached them, the heat blistering his immortal skin. He watched the flames lick at the quilt, at her hair, at the body of the only woman who had ever truly loved him.
He didnāt move.
He stood in the flamesā glow, the inferno painting the small cottage in violent orange and red, until the roof began to collapse and the entire structure became nothing but a roaring pyre.
The last remnants of the man he used to be, the cocky mercenary, the arrogant lover, the creature who still believed he could be redeemed, died with her in that fire.
When the cottage finally collapsed in on itself with a thunderous crash, Bucky walked out of the burning ruins and into the night.
He never looked back.
After Dolores burned, Bucky wandered the world like a ghost for nearly two hundred and fifty years, feeding in the slums of Paris, hunting through the fog of Victorian London, drifting across continents with no purpose except to dull the ache in his chest.
Then the wars found him.
In 1914, when the world descended into madness, he enlisted under a false name and threw himself into the trenches of World War I. He fought like a shadow, slipping through No Manās Land at night, ripping out German throats with his bare fangs while artillery shells screamed overhead. The mud, the blood, the endless screams⦠they felt like penance. He told himself the carnage was justice for every innocent life heād taken, for failing Dot. He rarely fed on soldiers, only the cruelest officers and rapists among the ranks. The rest of the time he simply endured, letting bullets tear through him, healing slowly, welcoming the pain.
When the war ended in 1918, the emptiness followed him back across the Atlantic.
He moved to Brooklyn in the early 1920s.
New York felt different, loud, restless, alive in a way Europe no longer was. Brooklyn, with its brick row houses, bustling docks and working-class grit, reminded him faintly of the London he once knew. He bought an old warehouse near the waterfront under yet another alias and made it his lair. For a few quiet decades he tried to disappear into the rhythm of the city: working nights on the docks, boxing in smoky gyms, fucking nameless women in speakeasies just to feel something close to warmth.
But peace never lasted.
World War II dragged him back in.
By 1942 he was operating as a covert Allied operative, a ghost soldier who could walk through enemy lines and leave nothing but corpses. In the brutal winter of 1944, during the Battle of the Bulge in the Ardennes Forest, everything shattered. A German artillery shell landed too close. The explosion tore his left arm clean off at the shoulder in a spray of blood and bone. Vampire healing tried desperately to close the wound but the shrapnel was too deep, the damage too severe. He lay bleeding in the snow for hours before a secret HYDRA-linked unit found him.
They dragged him to a makeshift lab hidden in the frozen woods. There, while he was half-conscious and roaring in agony, they fused a prototype metal prosthetic to the raw stump, cold steel wired directly into his immortal nervous system. The pain was worse than the turning in that London alley. He screamed until his voice gave out as they bolted the arm into place.
When he finally woke, the arm was part of him, unbreakable, unnaturally strong and freezing to the touch. A permanent scar on the body that had once made women drop to their knees.
After the war ended in 1945, Bucky vanished again.
He returned to Brooklyn, the only place that still felt halfway like home. He kept the same warehouse, later converting it into a hidden penthouse high above the city as the decades passed. The metal arm stayed hidden beneath long sleeves and gloves. He fed only on the worst of humanity, mobsters, rapists, corrupt politicians and fucked to forget, never staying longer than one night.
As the years went on, the world changed⦠and so did the way people fucked.
In the roaring 1920s, flappers threw themselves at him in smoky speakeasies, lipstick-stained mouths whispering filthy promises while they rode him in dark corners. In the 1950s and 60s, women grew bolder, secretaries, housewives, beatnik girls who wanted danger. They offered their throats and wrists in motel rooms, begging him to bite while they came on his cock. By the 1970s and 80s, the sexual revolution turned everything dirtier. Women took him home and asked him to choke them, slap them, fuck them until they cried, sometimes filthier than he had ever been in his mortal days.
He gave them what they wanted. He fucked them hard and merciless in alleyways, penthouse suites and the backs of cars. He drank from them while they screamed in pleasure, leaving bite marks they would hide under turtlenecks and makeup. But it was never love. Never connection. Just bodies and blood to numb the emptiness.
He was the shift.
Many, many years ago, people fucked mostly for love, for marriage, for heirs. Now they fucked for fun, for thrill, for the sheer dirty pleasure of it and Bucky became their favorite sin. They threw themselves at the tall, silent man with the metal arm and the dangerous eyes, never knowing they were offering themselves to something ancient and monstrous.
Yet no matter how many women he took, how many throats he drank from, how many nights he spent buried in warm, willing bodies⦠the loneliness never left.
Four hundred more years of numbness stretched ahead of him.
A ghost with fangs, a metal arm that never truly felt like his own, and a heart that hadnāt truly beaten since Dolores died screaming his name.
Until one rainy night in 2026, outside a quiet Brooklyn library, a warm-blooded girl with a sunlight smile literally crashed into him⦠and everything changed.
Itās a brutal, pouring rainy night when fate decides to be cruel.
Youāre leaving the library well past midnight, arms overloaded with books and thesis notes, your cheap umbrella doing almost nothing against the downpour. Head down, coffee in hand, you hurry down the slick stone steps and slam directly into a solid wall of muscle.
Your coffee cup flies out of your hand, splashing across his dark coat. Your umbrella spins wildly into the street. You stumble backward, nearly slipping on the wet pavement.
āShit- Iām so sorry!ā you blurt, face burning with embarrassment. āI wasnāt watching where I was going, I-ā
Before you can finish, a large, surprisingly gentle hand catches your elbow, steadying you with effortless strength.
āEasy there, doll,ā a low, rough voice murmurs, laced with an old-fashioned accent that doesnāt belong in modern Brooklyn. āYou alright? That was my fault. Shouldāve been paying better attention.ā
You finally look up.
Holy fuck.
Heās stunning. Tall, broad-shouldered, with steel-blue eyes that seem to cut straight through you, sharp jawline and dark hair dripping from the rain. Danger rolls off him in waves, but his touch is careful, almost reverent.
He releases your elbow only to bend down and retrieve your soaked umbrella from the gutter, shaking the water off before handing it back to you.
Youāre still flustered. āNo, really, it was me. Iām such a klutz when Iām tired. Here- let me get you some napkins or something-ā
Heās already shrugging off his long, clearly expensive black coat. Before you can protest, he drapes it over your shoulders. Itās warm from his body and smells like aged leather, rain and something darkly rich, like old wine and copper.
Your eyes go wide in panic.
āWait- no, no, no! I canāt take this!ā You immediately start shrugging it off. āThis looks really expensive. How am I supposed to give it back to you? I donāt even know your name. I canāt just walk off with your coat like some weirdo-ā
He places a gentle but firm hand on your shoulder, stopping you from removing it. His eyes soften, the corner of his mouth twitching into the faintest crooked smirk.
āKeep it,ā he says, voice low and smooth. āYouāre soaked to the bone, doll. Youāll catch your death walking home like that. I insist.ā
āBut itās yours,ā you insist, cheeks burning hotter. āWhat if I ruin it? Or lose it? Seriously, I feel terrible. At least let me get your number or something so I can return it properly-ā
He shakes his head, that ghost of a smirk deepening. āItās just a coat. I have others. You, on the other hand, look like youāve had a long night. Keep it. Wear it home. Iāll survive.ā
You clutch the coat tighter despite yourself, the fabric heavy and comforting against the chill. No one in this city is ever this⦠chivalrous. Guys your age wouldāve already grumbled and walked away. This man is looking at you like your comfort actually matters to him.
āYouāre really sure?ā you ask softly, still hesitant.
āPositive,ā he replies, eyes never leaving yours. āBesides⦠it looks better on you anyway.ā
Your stomach flips. The way he says it, quiet, sincere, a little rough, makes heat creep up your neck.
You manage a flustered, stubborn little smile. āThank you⦠really. Most people in this city wouldāve just cursed me out and kept walking. Youāre⦠surprisingly nice.ā
Something flickers across his face, pain, surprise, hunger but itās gone in a heartbeat. He hasnāt been called nice in over four hundred years. He hasnāt been looked at like a person since Dolores whispered āmy Jamesā with her last breath.
āYou stay safe getting home,ā he says quietly, almost like a command wrapped in velvet. āAnd maybe⦠watch your step next time, doll.ā
You nod, cheeks still warm. āYeah⦠I will. Goodnight.ā
You give him one last awkward little wave and start walking, his coat wrapped around you like a shield against the rain. You can feel his eyes on your back the entire way down the block.
Bucky stands motionless in the downpour, fists clenched at his sides, metal arm whirring quietly under his Henley. Your scent, warm vanilla, rain and that sweet, pulsing blood underneath has already burrowed into his lungs like a drug. His fangs throb painfully behind his lips. He has to fight every instinct not to follow you right now and drag you into the nearest alley.
He waits until youāve turned the corner.
Then he moves.
Silent as death, he follows you home.
Every step. Every turn. Close enough to protect you from anyone who might look at you too long. Far enough that you never notice the shadow trailing behind you.
By the time you reach your apartment building, heās already memorized which window is yours.
He stands across the street in the rain, eyes glowing faintly red in the dark, heart dead for centuries cracking wide open with dangerous, all-consuming obsession.
He already knows one simple truth:
Heās never letting you go.
Bucky waited in the shadows across the street like a predator who had already decided his prey belonged to him.
He stood motionless in the pouring rain for nearly two hours, eyes fixed on your apartment window on the third floor. When the last light finally clicked off at 2:47 am, something dark and hungry uncoiled inside his chest.
But he didnāt move right away.
Instead, he stayed where he was, hidden in the darkness between two buildings and watched.
You had left the curtains open.
Through the rain-streaked glass, he saw you clearly. You were still wearing his long black coat. You shrugged it off your shoulders and held it up to your face, pressing your nose into the collar. Your eyes closed as you breathed in deeply, then again, slower, savoring his scent. A soft, almost dreamy expression crossed your face.
Buckyās fangs throbbed. His cock hardened instantly.
You muttered to yourself, voice quiet but perfectly clear to his enhanced hearing:
āGod⦠why does this smell so good?ā
Buckyās lips curled into a dark, predatory smile. He murmured under his breath, voice low and rough with dark amusement,
āPeople really donāt close their curtains anymore, do they? They have no idea who could be watching themā¦ā
You laughed softly at yourself, shaking your head, then started changing. You peeled off your damp clothes, letting them drop to the floor without a care. For a moment you stood there in just your panties, stretching, completely unaware of the ancient predator standing in the rain across the street, staring at every inch of your body with black, starving eyes.
Buckyās metal hand clenched at his side, plates whirring. Drool slipped from the corner of his mouth. He watched the way your breasts moved when you raised your arms, the curve of your hips, the soft sway of your ass as you turned. His breathing grew ragged.
āBeautiful,ā he whispered to the night. āSo fucking beautiful⦠and so unaware.ā
Only when you finally pulled on an oversized t-shirt and climbed into bed, turning off the last light, did he move.
Silent as death, Bucky crossed the street, climbed the stairs to your buildingās front entrance, and picked the cheap lock on your apartment door in less than eight seconds. He slipped inside like smoke, closed the door behind him, and locked it again with the same unnatural precision, so perfectly that no one would ever know heād been there.
The apartment was small, cluttered and alive with you.
Your scent was everywhere, warm vanilla lotion, faint coffee from your shift, the sweet copper undertone of your blood pulsing just beneath your skin. It filled the cramped space like perfume made specifically to torment him.
Buckyās boots were silent on the worn hardwood as he walked through your living room. Books and thesis notes were scattered across the coffee table. A half-empty mug of tea sat cold beside them. A worn blanket was crumpled on the couch. The mess should have annoyed the centuries-old soldier in him⦠but it only made the obsession sink deeper. This was your chaos. Your life. Your little mortal world he was about to invade.
His gaze fell on the open notebook lying on top of the pile. Your neat handwriting filled the page, underlined and circled in places:
Vampires in Gothic Literature
Eternal life vs. eternal loneliness?
Do they feel love or only hunger?
Real or metaphor for forbidden desire? Witches ā power, seduction, danger⦠real?
Bucky read the notes slowly, a low, dark chuckle rumbling in his chest. The sound was soft, almost affectionate, but laced with something ancient and dangerous.
āOnly if you knew, doll,ā he whispered to the empty room, the corners of his mouth twitching into a predatory smirk. āOnly if you knew.ā
He lingered there for a moment longer, tracing one finger over your handwriting, before continuing toward the bedroom.
Your bedroom door was ajar.
He pushed it open slowly, the hinges giving a tiny protesting creak that made him freeze. You didnāt stir.
There you were.
Curled up in bed under a messy pile of blankets, wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and a pair of soft cotton panties. Your breathing was deep and even, lips slightly parted, one leg kicked out from under the covers. So vulnerable. So warm.
Buckyās fangs throbbed. His metal hand flexed at his side, plates whirring quietly.
He stepped closer.
Your scent was strongest here, concentrated, intimate, intoxicating. He could hear every heartbeat, every soft inhale and exhale. His cock hardened instantly, thick and aching against the front of his jeans. He hadnāt felt this kind of raw, physical need in decades.
On the floor near the foot of your bed lay a pair of discarded black lace panties, the ones youād clearly worn earlier that day. Slightly damp from the rain and your long shift. The scent rolling off them made his mouth flood with venom.
He crouched down, metal fingers hovering just above the delicate fabric. The urge to snatch them was almost painful. He wanted to press them to his face, inhale you until he drowned in it. He wanted to wrap them around his cock the second he got home and fuck his fist while imagining burying himself inside you.
But he stopped.
His hand trembled. The metal plates clicked softly.
āNot yet,ā he whispered to himself, voice barely a breath. āDonāt scare her. Not yet.ā
With a low, tortured growl, he forced himself to stand. He backed away from the panties like they were burning him.
He allowed himself one last indulgence.
He leaned over your sleeping form, careful not to touch you and breathed you in deeply, dragging your scent into his lungs like a dying man taking his final breath. His lips hovered an inch above your neck, right where your pulse fluttered so invitingly. He could hear the blood rushing beneath your skin. His cock throbbed harder, leaking against his thigh.
He stayed there for a long minute, eyes closed, fangs fully extended, fighting every instinct screaming at him to bite, to claim, to take.
Finally, with a ragged exhale, he pulled back.
On his way out, he noticed his coat draped over the back of your couch where you must have taken it off before bed. The fabric still carried traces of both your scent and his. For a moment he considered taking it back⦠but he left it exactly where it was.
He didnāt want to take anything from you tonight.
Not yet.
By the time he reached his penthouse, he was shaking with raw, barely contained need.
The second the door shut, Bucky shoved his jeans down, freed his painfully hard cock and stroked himself with brutal, desperate strokes. He buried his face in the collar of his shirt, the one that still carried the faintest trace of your scent from when heād stood so close to you and fucked his fist like a man possessed.
He came hard within minutes, spilling over his hand with a broken, guttural groan.
Even after the release, the hunger didnāt fade.
It only grew sharper.
He didnāt even know your name yet.
And he already knew heād be back tomorrow night.
And the night after that.
Until simply watching you sleep was no longer enough.
The next morning, Bucky was already waiting in the shadows outside your building when you left just after 6:30 am, yawning, hair messy, clutching a travel mug of cheap instant coffee.
Only when the morning rush began to build did he cross the street and step inside.
The bell above the door jingled. You looked up from behind the counter and your breath hitched.
It was him.
Bucky chose the small table by the window, the one with the perfect view of you. A few minutes later you approached, notepad in hand, trying (and failing) to look professional.
āHi⦠you again,ā you said, a shy, surprised smile tugging at your lips. āDidnāt expect to see you so soon. What can I get started for you today?ā
Bucky looked up slowly, his steel-blue eyes dragging over your face like he wanted to commit every detail to memory. His gaze flicked briefly to your name tag.
āThatās a beautiful name,ā he murmured, voice low and rough with that old-fashioned accent. āSuits you perfectly.ā
Your cheeks instantly burned hot. You werenāt used to compliments delivered like that, slow, sincere and a little dangerous.
āTh-thank you,ā you stammered, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. āThatās⦠really sweet of you to say. Um, what would you like?ā
āBlack coffee. No sugar,ā he said, leaning back in his chair. āAnd whatever your favorite pastry is this morning. Surprise me, doll. I trust your taste.ā
You nodded quickly, scribbling on your pad to hide how flustered you felt. āOne black coffee and a chocolate croissant coming right up.ā
When you returned with his order, your fingers brushed against his right hand as you set the mug down. His skin was cool, almost unnaturally so, and the brief contact sent a shiver racing up your arm. You couldnāt help but notice that his left hand remained gloved in black leather, resting quietly on the table, the same glove heād worn outside. You wondered about it for a split second but said nothing, simply offering him a small smile instead.
āHere you go,ā you said softly, still pink-cheeked. āThe croissant is still warm. Let me know if you need a refill or anything else.ā
You hesitated for a second, then added, āOh- I actually brought your coat with me. Itās hanging on the rack in the back. I was going to take it to the dry cleaners on my break because it got soaked last night. I can drop it off at the library tonight if you want, or⦠I donāt know, maybe you could pick it up later?ā
Buckyās eyes darkened, something possessive flickering behind them. He shook his head slowly.
āKeep it,ā he said, voice low and firm but gentle. āIt looks better on you than it ever did on me. I have more coats than I know what to do with. I insist.ā
āBut itās such a nice coat,ā you protested, cheeks burning hotter. āIād feel terrible if something happened to it. At least let me get it cleaned for you-ā
āNo arguments, doll,ā he interrupted, the faintest crooked smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. āWear it when you need it. Stay warm. Thatās all I want from you right now.ā
You blinked, completely thrown by how gently but stubbornly he was refusing. No guy had ever spoken to you like this.
āā¦Okay,ā you said softly, biting your lip. āIf youāre really sure. Thank you again. Seriously. Most people wouldnāt have even offered their coat in that rain.ā
Buckyās gaze softened for just a moment. āMost people arenāt me.ā
You gave him a shy little smile and hurried back to the counter, heart racing. For the rest of your shift you could feel his eyes on you, steady, dark and unwavering. He barely touched the coffee or the croissant. He just watched you move behind the counter like you were the only thing worth looking at in the entire world.
When the rush finally slowed, he stood up, left a very generous tip folded neatly under the mug, and paused at the counter on his way out.
āSee you soon,ā he murmured, saying your name like it was something sacred and secret. āHave a good rest of your shift, doll. Donāt work too hard.ā
You could only manage a flustered nod, cheeks still warm long after heād walked out the door.
That night, when he picked the lock on your front door and slipped silently into your apartment while you slept, he stood over your bed for a long time, breathing you in.
He leaned down, lips hovering just above the soft skin of your neck and whispered your name into the darkness like a vow.
It sounded like both a prayer⦠and a promise.
Over the next several nights, Buckyās restraint completely shattered.
He came back every few nights, slipping through your front door like a ghost, locking it behind him with that soft, familiar click. At first he only watched you sleep. But the hunger quickly grew teeth.
The third night he touched you.
He leaned over your bed, cool lips pressing slow, open-mouthed kisses down the side of your throat. He nipped at your skin, fangs grazing but never breaking it, sucking lightly until you whimpered in your sleep.
āFuck⦠such a pretty neck,ā he growled quietly against your pulse. āBet youād look so good with my marks all over it.ā
He pushed your nightshirt up, exposing your breasts and buried his face between them with a low, filthy groan. His tongue dragged over your nipples in slow, wet circles before he sucked one into his mouth, moaning like he was tasting something divine.
āSo fucking sweet⦠these tits are perfect, doll. Made for my mouth.ā
His metal hand ghosted over your hips, fingertips barely brushing your skin as he fought not to grip hard enough to bruise. You arched unconsciously toward him, thighs pressing together.
The fourth night he went lower.
He eased your panties down your legs and spread your thighs wide, kneeling between them like he was worshipping at an altar. He dragged his tongue through your soaked folds in one long, obscene lick and groaned deeply.
āJesus Christ⦠your pussy is dripping for me even when youāre asleep,ā he rasped, voice thick with lust. āSuch a needy little cunt. You taste so fucking good, baby. I could eat this pretty pussy for hours.ā
He licked you like a man starved, slow, filthy strokes of his tongue circling your clit before pushing inside you, fucking you with it. He sucked on your swollen clit with wet, obscene sounds, metal fingers gently holding your thighs open.
āThatās it⦠grind against my tongue even in your sleep like a good little slut,ā he murmured against your slick flesh. āThis pussy belongs to me now. You hear me? Mine.ā
You came hard on his tongue, thighs shaking, a broken moan slipping from your lips. He licked you through every pulse, drinking down every drop like it was sacred.
The visits only got dirtier.
Night after night he returned. Heād bury his face between your thighs for what felt like hours, tongue-fucking you, sucking your clit, growling filthy praise against your soaked cunt.
āFuck, youāre so wet⦠creaming all over my tongue like you were made for this. Thatās my girl. Let me taste how much you need me.ā
Sometimes heād slide two cool fingers inside you while sucking on your clit, curling them just right, whispering, āTight little pussy sucking my fingers in even when youāre dreaming. Gonna ruin this cunt one day. Gonna fill you up and make you scream my name for real.ā
You always woke drenched in sweat, thighs slick and trembling, panties pushed to the side or completely off. Fragments of sensation haunted you, cold tongue licking deep, a rough voice groaning filthy things, the faint scent of old leather and blood on your skin. You told yourself they were just extremely vivid, filthy dreams caused by stress and loneliness.
Your body knew the truth.
Every morning you woke up aching and empty, clit throbbing, sheets ruined. And every few nights the dreams returned, darker, wetter, more intense.
Bucky, meanwhile, was unraveling.
He left your apartment every time with your taste coating his tongue and his cock so hard it hurt. Back in his penthouse he would stroke himself raw, snarling your name as he came but it was never enough.
He needed to hear you moan his name for real.
He needed to sink his fangs into your thigh while buried balls-deep inside you.
And he was getting dangerously close to losing the last shred of control he had left.
A few days later, the universe seemed determined to keep pushing you together.
You were halfway through your post-shift grocery run, still wearing Buckyās oversized black coat because the autumn air had turned crisp. It swallowed your frame, the hem brushing your thighs and you secretly loved how warm and safe it made you feel. Your basket was overloaded with pasta, fresh vegetables, a cheap bottle of red wine, and a pint of ice cream you were definitely stress-eating later.
You turned the corner into the pasta aisle and walked straight into a solid wall of muscle.
āOh- Iām so sorry!ā you gasped, nearly dropping your basket.
Gentle but strong hands immediately steadied you, catching your elbows with careful precision so you wouldnāt fall.
āEasy there, doll,ā a low, familiar voice murmured. āYou alright? That was my fault. Shouldāve been paying better attention.ā
You blushed instantly. āI swear Iām not this clumsy all the time. I was trying to decide between spaghetti and linguine like my life depended on it.ā
Buckyās mouth curved into that faint, crooked smile that made your stomach flutter. His gaze drifted down, noticing you were still wearing his coat.
āLooks far better on you than it ever did on me,ā he said softly, almost reverent. āIām glad you kept it.ā
Before you could respond, he smoothly took the heavy basket from your hands as if it weighed nothing.
āPlease, allow me,ā he said, already heading toward the checkout. āA lady shouldnāt have to carry all this herself.ā
You tried to protest. āYou really donāt have to-ā
āI insist,ā he replied gently but firmly, that old-world chivalry radiating off him. He held the basket in one arm and used the other to open the door for an elderly woman leaving the store, nodding politely to her. āAfter you, maāam.ā
You watched him, completely charmed and a little dazed. No guy your age ever acted like this.
At checkout, he politely waited while you paid, then immediately took all the bags before you could reach for them. Outside, he positioned himself on the street side of the sidewalk, shielding you from traffic like it was the most natural thing in the world.
The walk back to your apartment was short but felt electric. He carried every bag effortlessly, making easy conversation the whole way.
āLong shift today?ā he asked, glancing at you with genuine concern.
āYeah⦠double again. Iām exhausted but the thesis wonāt write itself.ā
āYou work too hard,ā he said quietly. āA girl like you deserves to be taken care of sometimes.ā
When you reached your building, he didnāt hesitate.
āMind if I help you up with these?ā he asked, voice warm and sincere. āIād feel better knowing they made it safely upstairs.ā
You nodded, cheeks warm. āYeah⦠sure. That would be really nice, actually. Thank you.ā
You let him follow you up the narrow stairs to your third-floor apartment. Bucky carried all the bags effortlessly in one arm, walking just behind you like a perfect gentleman.
Inside your small, cluttered apartment, he set the bags on the counter and looked around with quiet appreciation, taking in the fairy lights, the overflowing bookshelves, and the half-dead plants on the windowsill.
āItās lovely in here,ā he said sincerely, a soft smile tugging at his lips. āWarm. Lived-in. Feels like a real home.ā
He rolled up the sleeve on his right arm and started helping you unpack without being asked, putting milk and eggs in the fridge, pasta in the cupboard, vegetables in the crisper, moving with surprising familiarity and care.
You noticed immediately that he only rolled up one sleeve. The left arm stayed fully covered, the black leather glove still firmly in place.
You tilted your head, curious. āWhy do you keep that glove on? And you only rolled up one sleeve.ā
Bucky paused for half a second, then gave a small, easy smile.
āPoor circulation,ā he said smoothly. āOld injury from years ago. The left arm gets cold easily, especially in weather like this, so I keep it covered. Doctorās orders.ā
You nodded, accepting the answer. āThat makes sense. Must be annoying, especially in winter.ā
āSometimes,ā he replied, voice gentle. āBut Iām used to it now. Doesnāt slow me down much.ā
When everything was put away, you leaned against the counter, suddenly feeling chatty and comfortable in his presence.
āI still donāt even know your nameā¦ā you said with a shy smile.
He gave you a small, almost shy smile of his own and rubbed the back of his neck.
āJames Buchanan Barnes,ā he said. āBut everyone just calls me Bucky.ā
āBucky,ā you repeated, liking the way it sounded. āNice to finally meet you properly, Bucky.ā
āThe pleasureās all mine, doll.ā
You kept talking, gesturing with your hands. āSo⦠what do you do, Bucky? You seem like you have your life pretty together. Do you work around here?ā
He chuckled softly, leaning on the opposite counter. āI do some consulting work. Private security, mostly. Nothing too exciting.ā
āPrivate security at your age?ā You raised an eyebrow, smiling. āHow old are you, anyway?ā
Buckyās eyes sparkled with quiet amusement. āTwenty-four.ā
You blinked. āWait, really? You seem⦠older. Not in a bad way! Just⦠more mature. Like youāve seen some stuff.ā
He gave a low, self-deprecating laugh. āIāve been told that before. Guess I grew up fast.ā
You kept talking, comfortable now. āIām twenty-three. Still feel like a kid half the time. Working two jobs, trying to finish my thesis on Gothic literature. Vampires, monsters, tragic love stories⦠the usual dramatic stuff.ā You laughed lightly. āDo you believe any of that is real? Like, vampires and witches and all that? Or is it just fun fiction?ā
Buckyās gaze sharpened for a fraction of a second before he smiled. āI think thereās more to the world than most people realize,ā he said carefully. āSome legends have roots in truth. What do you think?ā
āI go back and forth,ā you admitted, leaning closer. āSometimes I think vampires are just metaphors for forbidden desire or immortality anxiety. Other times⦠I donāt know. The idea of someone living for centuries, watching everyone they love die⦠that feels too real. Too sad.ā
Buckyās expression softened, something pained flickering behind his eyes. āIt is sad,ā he murmured. āVery sad.ā
You kept going, excited to talk about your thesis. āExactly! And witches- the way theyāre portrayed as powerful but dangerous. Do you have any favorite books or movies about that stuff?ā
āDo you have Instagram or anything?ā you asked, then quickly added with an awkward little laugh, āIām not trying to stalk you, donāt worry. Just⦠if you maybe wanted to hang out sometime, or so I could reach out?ā
Bucky let out a low, self-deprecating chuckle. āIām afraid Iām terribly old-fashioned. No social media at all. But I do have a phone number.ā
You raised an eyebrow, a playful but suspicious smile tugging at your lips. āNo social media? At twenty-four? Thatās⦠suspicious. Are you secretly a spy or something?ā
He laughed, the sound warm and genuine. āNothing that exciting, I promise. Just prefer real life over screens.ā
You saved his number and sent him a quick text. When his phone buzzed, his smile deepened.
āThere,ā you said, grinning. āNow you canāt vanish on me.ā
āWouldnāt dream of it,ā he murmured, eyes dark and intense for just a moment before he softened again. āYou get some rest now. Youāve earned it.ā
He walked to the door, then paused and turned back.
āGoodnight, doll,ā he said softly. āLock the door behind me.ā
You nodded, cheeks warm. āGoodnight, Bucky.ā
He waited outside until he heard the lock click, then disappeared down the hallway with a small, satisfied smile.
But the second he was out of sight, his expression darkened with raw hunger.
Hearing you say his name in that sweet voice had nearly made him snap.
The gentleman act was becoming harder to maintain⦠and the monster beneath it was growing impatient.
Buckyās obsession had grown teeth.
After the night he helped you with your groceries something inside him finally snapped. Knowing your name wasnāt enough. Hearing you laugh wasnāt enough. Standing so close to you and still not being able to claim you wasnāt enough.
He needed pieces of you. Tangible. Permanent. His.
So the stealing began.
The first time was the night after the grocery store. While you slept, he moved through your apartment like a shadow. He took your favorite perfume from the dresser, the one that smelled like warm vanilla and something sweet and uniquely you. He sprayed a little on his wrist before slipping the bottle into his coat.
Two nights later, he took the soft cream-colored scarf youād been wearing the rainy night you first met him. It still carried the faint scent of rain, coffee and you. He buried his face in it the second he got home and didnāt let go for nearly an hour.
The nights had become his sanctuary and his torment.
For the first time, Bucky began invading your dreams like an incubus, silent, hungry, and unstoppable. He would wait until you fell into deep sleep in your own apartment, then slip into your mind with the ease of centuries of practice. You never remembered the full details in the morning, only waking with damp thighs, aching nipples, and a strange, lingering bite of exhaustion.
In the dream he appeared behind you, naked, massive, his metal arm cold against your fevered skin as he pinned you down in a bed that wasnāt quite yours. His fangs grazed your throat while his thick cock rubbed between your slick folds, teasing, never quite entering.
āShhh, doll,ā he whispered into your sleeping mind, voice low and velvet-dark. āJust a taste. I need you so fucking badly.ā
He started with your wrist. In the dream he lifted your arm, licked a slow, reverent stripe over your pulse, then sank his fangs in deep. The pull was slow and obscene, wet sucking sounds filling the dream as he drank in long, greedy swallows. Your dream-self moaned and writhed, hips grinding against nothing while he fed.
When he was done, he sealed the punctures with long, filthy licks of his tongue, savoring the last drops. Then he moved lower.
He spread your thighs wide in the dreamscape, burying his face between them like a starving man. His tongue dragged up your inner thigh before his fangs pierced the soft flesh there too. Hot blood flooded his mouth, richer, headier, while his nose pressed against your dripping cunt, inhaling the scent of your arousal. He drank deeply, groaning against your skin, cock leaking steadily onto the dream sheets.
āFuck⦠your blood tastes like sin,ā he growled into your thigh. āSweeter when youāre wet for me.ā
He sealed that bite too, licking lazily over the twin holes, his cool saliva tingling as it closed the wounds. Only then did he allow himself to grind his massive cock against your soaked pussy, never pushing inside, just rutting until your dream-body came with a broken cry. He spilled across your thighs in thick ropes, marking you even in sleep, then vanished before you could wake.
You always woke up with faint, fading marks on your wrist and inner thigh that you blamed on restless sleep.
But the real collection had only just begun.
Then came the panties.
He started small. The black lace pair heād seen on your floor the very first night, the sexy ones you wore when you wanted to feel powerful and desired. He took them while you showered, pressing the crotch to his face the second he was back in his penthouse. The scent of your pussy was still faintly there, musky and sweet. He inhaled so deeply his fangs throbbed.
A few nights later he stole the soft silk ones from your laundry basket, still slightly damp. He sucked the fabric into his mouth, tasting the faint traces of your arousal and detergent, groaning like a beast as he fisted his aching cock.
But what truly broke something inside him were the cute ones.
He found them one night while you slept, an entire drawer of soft cotton panties with little embroidered days of the week. Innocent. Everyday. Mortal. The kind of thing that made his ancient, dead heart twist with dark fondness and cruel hunger.
He picked up the pair marked āThursdayā and ran his thumb over the tiny lettering, a low, predatory chuckle rumbling in his chest.
āMortals,ā he whispered into the dark of your bedroom, voice rough with twisted amusement. āStill pretending time matters. Still marking your little days like you wonāt eventually be mine forever. How fucking endearing.ā
He stole the Wednesday pair that night, along with the Thursday ones for good measure.
His obsession only grew darker.
He discovered the small trash can in your bathroom. Inside were a few used tampons wrapped in toilet paper. The metallic, coppery scent of your period blood hit him like pure heroin. Centuries of memories flooded him, women on their cycles spreading their thighs for him, begging him to drink while their cunts were heaviest, bloodiest, most potent.
He stood there in your bathroom for a long minute, breathing deeply, cock straining painfully against his pants.
āEven your waste calls to me,ā he murmured reverently, almost lovingly. āYour blood⦠every drop of it belongs to me.ā
He took one of the wrapped tampons, brought it back to his penthouse, and spent hours with it pressed to his nose and mouth while he stroked himself raw.
Every few nights he added something new to his growing collection: a hair tie with strands of your hair still caught in it, the half-used lip balm from your bag that still carried the faint taste of your mouth, a well-worn hoodie that smelled like your shampoo, your sweat, and the warmth of your skin. More panties, both the slutty lace ones that made his cock leak and the innocent cotton ones with their childish little days.
He kept them all in a locked drawer in his penthouse like a sacred, filthy shrine.
When the emptiness clawed at him too viciously, when Doloresās screams echoed too loudly in his skull, he would sit alone in the dark, open the drawer, and surround himself with you. Heād press your stolen panties to his face, inhaling the scent of your cunt like oxygen. Sometimes he wrapped the Thursday pair around his thick, leaking cock and fucked his fist with slow, filthy strokes, groaning your name like a broken prayer.
āFuck⦠smell so good,ā he rasped into the cotton, voice wrecked and desperate. āThis little mortal pussy is going to be mine. Iām going to drink from it while youāre bleeding. Iām going to fuck it until you scream. Until you beg.ā
Other nights he pressed the blood-stained cotton directly to his mouth and nose, sucking on the fabric while he jerked himself brutally, imagining it was your bloody cunt riding his face. Thick ropes of cum would splatter across his abs and chest as he came with a guttural snarl, over and over, until the drawer was sticky with his spend and the scent of you was mixed with his own.
āYouāre already mine,ā he whispered hoarsely into the silk and cotton, fangs fully extended, eyes glowing crimson in the dark. āEvery pair. Every drop of blood. Every dream. Every breath you take. All fucking mine. Even if you donāt know it yet⦠you will. Soon.ā
He was patient.
He was starving.
And the monster inside him was done waiting.
You, meanwhile, were spiraling.
At first you thought you were simply losing your mind from exhaustion and stress. The perfume? Maybe youād moved it and forgotten. The scarf? You probably left it at the library. But when your favorite pair of silk panties vanished from the laundry basket and then the soft cotton ones with the little embroidered days of the week started disappearing too, real unease settled deep in your stomach.
Then more things disappeared.
A hoodie you loved. Your favorite lip balm. A hair clip youād worn the day Bucky helped with your groceries. Even one of your thesis notebooks went missing for two days before mysteriously reappearing on your nightstand.
You tore your apartment apart looking for them. You started keeping a paranoid little list on your phone. You even wondered if you had a stalker⦠or if the stress was finally making you crack.
His coat was still hanging on the back of your bedroom door where youād left it days ago.
But something was different.
A single, perfect red rose was tucked neatly into the breast pocket.
No note. No card. No explanation.
Just one flawless, blood-red bloom with a long, elegant stem and sharp thorns that caught the lamplight like tiny blades. The rose was impossibly perfect, not a single petal out of place, fresh dew still clinging to the edges like droplets of blood.
Your heart slammed against your ribs so hard it hurt.
You stood frozen in the doorway, grocery bag slipping from your fingers onto the floor. The faint scent of the rose mixed with the lingering smell of old leather from the coat, creating something intoxicating and terrifying all at once.
You knew.
You knew it was him.
Bucky.
The gentleman who had carried all your groceries without being asked. The man who opened doors, insisted you keep his coat, and looked at you like you were the only person in the world who mattered. The one with the old-fashioned manners, the low velvet voice and those intense steel-blue eyes that seemed to see straight through you, into places you hadnāt let anyone see in years.
He had been in your apartment again.
He had taken things.
And now⦠he was leaving gifts in his own coat, the one still hanging in your room like a claim.
You walked over on shaky legs and carefully pulled the rose from the pocket. A thorn pricked your thumb. A tiny bead of blood welled up instantly. You stared at it, then brought the rose to your nose and inhaled. The scent was rich, sweet, and heavy.
Your mind raced.
How long has he been coming in here? How many nights has he stood beside my bed while I slept? What else has he taken? What has he seen while I was unconscious?
Part of you was terrified. The logical, rational part screamed that this was insane. Dangerous. That you should change the locks right now, call the police, run as far as you could.
But another part, darker, quieter and growing louder every day, felt a rush of shameful heat low in your belly. The thought of him moving silently through your space, touching your things, watching you sleep⦠it made your thighs press together.
You sat down heavily on the edge of your bed, still holding the rose, and whispered into the quiet apartment:
āā¦Bucky?ā
The silence that answered felt alive.
Like he was still there.
Watching.
Waiting.
The game had truly begun.
And neither of you were ready for how deep, how dark and how consuming it would become.
You couldnāt take it anymore.
It was 2:13 am and you were sitting on the edge of your bed in the dark, phone clutched so tightly in your shaking hands that your knuckles had gone white. Another thing had vanished today, your favorite silver necklace. But that wasnāt what broke you. It was the rose tucked into the pocket of his coat. The pattern. The way everything pointed straight to him.
Your thumb hovered over his contact for a long, trembling minute. Part of you wanted to throw the phone across the room and change the locks. Another part, the terrified, exhausted, furious part, needed answers. You pressed call.
It rang only once before he picked up.
āHeyā His voice was low, smooth, perfectly calm. āIs everything okay? Itās late.ā
You didnāt even try to sound normal. Your voice came out raw, trembling with a volatile mix of terror, fury, and betrayal.
āItās you,ā you said, barely above a whisper at first, then louder. āDonāt you dare lie to me, Bucky. The perfume, the scarf, my panties, the necklace, itās all you. Youāve been in my apartment. Youāve been watching me sleep. You left that fucking rose in your own coat. I know itās you.ā
Silence stretched on the other end.
On the fire escape right outside your bedroom window, Bucky stood completely still in the pouring rain, glowing red eyes fixed on you through the gap in the curtains. His metal hand tightened on the railing, slowly denting the metal.
He tried anyway.
āBaby, slow down,ā he said, voice dripping with concern. āYou sound really scared. Maybe youāre just stressed from work and your thesis. Youāve been so tired lately. I would never-ā
āStop.ā Your voice cracked, but it was sharp with raw fury. Tears burned in your eyes as you stood up from the bed, pacing. āDonāt you dare lie to me right now. Iām terrified, Bucky. Iāve been checking my locks ten times a night. I wake up feeling like someoneās been touching me. And itās you. Youāve been breaking into my home. Stealing my fucking underwear. What the hell is wrong with you?!ā
Buckyās jaw clenched hard. Drool slipped from the corner of his mouth as he watched you curl tighter into yourself on the bed, tears streaming down your face. His free hand flexed at his side, metal plates whirring.
āI was trying to protect you,ā he said, voice low and careful, almost pleading. āI just wanted to be close to you. Iāve been alone for so long and you-ā
āClose to me?ā you snapped, voice rising in a hysterical, broken laugh that sounded more like a sob. āYouāve been sneaking into my room while I sleep! Thatās not protecting me, thatās stalking me! I trusted you. You carried my groceries. You were sweet and gentle and now I find out youāve been stealing my panties and watching me change? What kind of sick fuck does that?!ā
Buckyās red eyes flashed brighter. His metal fingers dug into the windowsill, cracking the frame with a quiet groan.
āI know it looks bad,ā he said, trying to keep his voice steady but you could hear the strain. āBut Iām not going to hurt you. I could never hurt you. I just⦠I need you. Iāve been alone for so long and youāre the only thing that makes me feel alive again. Please, doll. Let me explain-ā
āExplain what?ā you shouted, no longer caring if your neighbors heard. Fresh tears spilled down your cheeks. āHow youāve been breaking in? How you left a rose like some twisted gift? Iām scared to even close my eyes now because I donāt know if youāre standing there watching me!ā
You were crying hard now, terrified and furious and completely overwhelmed. Your voice cracked as you whispered the last part.
āI thought you were different⦠I thought you were safe.ā
Bucky pressed his forehead against the cold glass, breathing heavily, fangs fully extended. For a long moment he was silent. When he spoke again, his voice was raw, almost broken, with very little hope left in it.
āIām sorry,ā he said, the words cracking. āIām so fucking sorry. I know Iām messed up. I know I went too far. But I canāt stop. I wonāt lose you. I wonāt. Please⦠just come to my penthouse tomorrow night. Let me explain everything in person. No more lies. No more hiding. Iāll tell you everything. Just⦠please donāt shut me out. I need to see you. I need to make this right.ā
His voice dropped, almost desperate.
āI know I donāt deserve it⦠but please. Tomorrow at 8. My penthouse. Iāll send a car. If you still want nothing to do with me after that, Iāll leave you alone. I swear it.ā
You were silent for a long, heavy moment, shaking with fear and anger.
āAre you fucking kidding me?ā you hissed, voice rising again. āYou want me to come to your place? After everything you just admitted? After youāve been breaking into my home and stealing from me? You have the nerve to ask me to walk into your penthouse like itās some normal date? Are you out of your fucking mind?!ā
Buckyās breath hitched on the other end. His voice was quieter now, almost pleading, with almost no hope left.
āI know how it sounds,ā he said, the words heavy. āI know I donāt deserve your trust. But I canāt explain this over the phone. I need you to see me. To see that Iām not going to hurt you. Please, doll⦠just one chance. Iām begging you. Tomorrow at 8. Iāll send a car. If you walk out after I explain, I wonāt stop you. I swear on whateverās left of me.ā
You were silent for a long, heavy moment, shaking with fear and anger.
āā¦Fine,ā you finally whispered, voice trembling. āTomorrow at 8. But if you lie to me again, Bucky, Iām done. I mean it.ā
āThank you,ā he breathed, relief and dark hunger mixing in his tone. āIāll see you tomorrow. Get some sleep, doll. Iāll be thinking about you.ā
You hung up without another word.
Bucky stayed on the fire escape for a long moment, staring at your shaking form through the window. Rain mixed with the blood tears sliding down his face.
He whispered into the night, voice dark and possessive:
āYou donāt have to be scared of me, doll. Iāll make sure of that⦠one way or another.ā
He vanished into the shadows, already planning exactly what he would say and what he would do when you came to him tomorrow.
The next day, Bucky moved through the city like a man on a mission.
He hadnāt slept. He doesnāt anymore.
Vampires donāt need sleep the way humans do. The closest he ever came was a kind of cold, motionless trance but even that had abandoned him since you entered his life. Instead, he had spent the entire night on the rooftop of his penthouse, standing motionless in the wind and rain, staring out at the glittering lights of Brooklyn below. Your terrified, furious voice played on repeat in his head like a broken record.
The way you had cried.
The way you had called him a sick fuck.
The way you had still agreed to come tonight even if it was only because you were angry and scared.
Every word cut deeper than the last.
He was going to tell you everything.
No more lies. No more half-truths. Tonight, in his penthouse, he would confess what he really was. And he was going to make it as⦠human as possible. As normal as a seven-hundred-year-old vampire could manage.
So he went grocery shopping.
He walked into the upscale organic market near the waterfront in the late afternoon, black coat on, sunglasses hiding his eyes, metal arm tucked into his sleeve. The fluorescent lights felt too bright, the chatter of normal people too loud. But he pushed a cart through the aisles with focused determination.
He started with breakfast ingredients for tomorrow, just in case you stayed. Eggs, fresh herbs, thick-cut bacon, ripe avocados, sourdough bread. Then he moved to dinner. He wanted something comforting, something that said āI care.ā He picked out ingredients for homemade lasagna, fresh pasta sheets, rich tomato sauce, ground beef, ricotta, mozzarella and basil. He added things for a salad and garlic bread.
His mind kept drifting to you as he shopped.
Sheās coming tonight. Sheās terrified of me. She has every right to be.
He stopped in the baking aisle and stared at the rows of flour, sugar, chocolate and vanilla. He remembered you mentioning once that you loved chocolate cake when you were stressed. So he grabbed everything he needed, dark cocoa powder, heavy cream, eggs, butter and added a bottle of expensive vanilla extract.
An older woman beside him smiled kindly as she reached for a bag of sugar.
āBaking for someone special?ā she asked.
Bucky gave her a small, tired smile. āYeah⦠something like that.ā
He hoped you would still want anything from him after tonight.
By the time he got back to the penthouse, his arms were full of bags. He spent the next several hours in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up. He prepped the lasagna, made the chocolate cake from scratch, even baked fresh bread. The entire penthouse filled with warm, comforting smells, tomato sauce simmering, cake baking, garlic and herbs.
As he worked, he practiced what he would say.
āIām a vampire.ā āIāve been watching you sleep.ā āI stole your things because Iām obsessed with you.ā āI would kill for you.ā āI want to turn you so I never lose you.ā
Every version sounded insane. Every version made him feel sick with fear that you would finally run.
He set the dining table beautifully, candles, wine, flowers. He even picked out soft music. When everything was ready, he stood in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the feast he had made, and whispered to the empty room:
āPlease donāt leave me, doll. Please⦠just listen.ā
He checked the clock.
8:00 pm was approaching.
And for the first time in centuries, the ancient predator felt genuinely nervous.
He was about to confess everything.
And he had no idea if you would still be his when the night was over.
You arrived at his penthouse at exactly 8:00 pm, fury burning hotter than fear. The car he sent had been silent and luxurious but you spent the entire ride clenching your fists, rehearsing every accusation. When the private elevator doors opened directly into his home, you stepped out with your chin high, jaw tight, eyes blazing.
Bucky stood near the floor-to-ceiling windows, the glittering city sprawled behind him like a dark jewel. The lights were low, candles flickering on the dining table. He looked almost⦠human. Nervous. Shoulders tense, hands shoved into his pockets.
You stopped a few feet away, arms crossed tightly.
āStart talking,ā you snapped, voice trembling with rage. āNo more āprotecting meā bullshit. I want the truth. All of it. Right now.ā
Bucky swallowed hard. āI⦠I donāt know where to begin.ā
āBegin with why youāve been lying to me.ā
He took a slow step closer, then stopped when you flinched. āIām not who you think I am. Not⦠not completely.ā
Your heart hammered. Something in his voice, the raw edge, the hesitation made the air feel heavier. āBucky. What are you?ā
For a long moment, he just stared at you. Then his shoulders slumped.
āIām not human,ā he said, voice low and rough, almost a growl. āNot anymore. Not for a very long time.ā
The lights in the penthouse seemed to dim further. A chill crawled up your spine.
āWhat the hell does that mean?ā you whispered.
His eyes, those beautiful blue eyes youād trusted, began to change. The color bled away from the edges inward, flooding with a violent, glowing red. Not just red. Blood-red. Like twin embers pulled straight from hell, pulsing with unnatural hunger.
You stumbled back a step. āBucky-ā
His lips parted. There was a soft, wet click as his canines elongated into fangs, long, razor-sharp, gleaming under the candlelight. They looked strong enough to tear through flesh without effort. A low, involuntary growl rumbled in his chest, deep and animalistic.
You pressed a hand to your mouth, breath shallow. āOh my Godā¦ā
He slowly raised his left hand. The plates of the metal arm shifted with a mechanical whirr-click-grind, like a machine waking up. The steel caught the red glow from his eyes, reflecting it back in cold, deadly shards.
āBucky, what are you?ā You asked again, fear finally overtaking the anger.
He took one more step forward, voice dropping into something ancient and broken. āThis is what I am.ā
The full transformation hit like a nightmare unfolding in real time. His skin seemed to pale further, veins standing out dark beneath it. The red in his eyes brightened, casting eerie shadows across his face. Those fangs, fully extended now, made his mouth look wrong, predatory. When he spoke again, his voice was layered with something inhuman, a resonance that vibrated in your bones.
āA vampire,ā he said. āTurned in 1349 during the Black Death. I died in an alley with a noblemanās teeth in my throat⦠and I woke up like this.ā
You backed up until your legs hit the edge of the couch. āNo. No, thatās not- this isnāt real.ā
He rolled up his sleeve with deliberate slowness, revealing the brutal fusion where metal met scarred flesh. The seam looked raw, like it had been cauterized with fire and rage. The arm flexed, plates shifting with a menacing hum.
You stared, heart slamming against your ribs. āThe glove⦠the circulation storyā¦ā
āAll lies,ā he admitted, voice raw. āI didnāt want you to see the monster. I thought if I could be James for a little while longer, you might not run screaming.ā
He reached out slowly but you jerked away.
āDoes it hurt?ā you whispered, despite everything.
āEvery day.ā His red eyes never left yours. āItās not mine. They tore the real one off and bolted this thing onto me while I was screaming. HYDRA made sure I felt every second of it.ā
Silence stretched, thick and suffocating. Only the distant city hum and the frantic beat of your own heart filled the room.
Buckyās shoulders shook as he continued, the words pouring out like heād held them back for centuries. āI was arrogant. Handsome. Thought the world was mine. Then the plague came and a dying man made me eternal. Iāve spent nearly seven hundred years alone. Fucking. Feeding. Leaving bodies behind before dawn because nothing ever filled the emptiness.ā
His voice cracked completely. Blood-red tears slid down his cheeks, actual blood, dark and glistening.
āUntil Dolores. Dot. She called me āmy James.ā She knew what I was and still loved me. When the plague took her in 1665, I tried to turn her. Forced my blood down her throat while she was still breathing. She screamed my name as she died in my arms. I burned the cottage with her body inside because I couldnāt bear to look at what Iād done.ā
He dropped to his knees right there on the marble floor, arms wrapping around your waist like you were his last anchor.
āIāve carried her screams for four hundred years,ā he choked out against your stomach, blood tears soaking your shirt. āThe wars. The mud. The explosion that took my arm. Waking up with this thing fused to me, roaring while they wiped my mind over and over. I came back to Brooklyn. Fed only on the worst people so I wouldnāt have to feel. Until that rainy night outside the library⦠when you smiled at me like I wasnāt damned.ā
You stood frozen, sobbing, one hand hovering over his dark hair.
He looked up at you, eyes glowing like fresh blood, fangs fully bared, metal arm clenched so hard the plates screamed in protest. āIāve been breaking into your apartment. Stealing your things. Tasting you while you slept. Listening to your heartbeat and praying I wouldnāt ruin you too.ā
You shook your head, tears streaming. āYou⦠you drank from me? While I was sleeping? You touched me, took my things like some kind of sick collector-ā
āI know,ā he whispered brokenly. āIām a monster. A killer. I understand if you run. I wonāt stop you. But please⦠Iām so fucking tired of being alone. Youāre the only light Iāve had in centuries. Donāt take it away.ā
The penthouse was silent except for your ragged breathing and his quiet, desperate sobs against you.
You were terrified.
You were furious.
You stood there, trembling, with Buckyās arms locked around your waist and his face pressed against your stomach. The glow of his red eyes lit the floor beneath you like dying embers. His fangs were still fully extended, brushing against the fabric every time he breathed.
Your hand finally lowered. Fingers sank into his dark hair.
āI should run,ā you whispered, voice cracking. āAny sane person would.ā
Buckyās shoulders tensed, waiting for the blow.
āBut Iām still here,ā you continued, the words spilling out before you could stop them. āIām terrified⦠but Iām not leaving. Not tonight. Not yet. Youāre a monster, Bucky. A real one. But youāre my monster. And I hate how much that matters to me right now.ā
A broken sound escaped him, half sob, half relief. He tightened his hold for one heartbeat, then slowly loosened it, as if afraid youād vanish.
āThank you,ā he breathed against you. āGod, thank you.ā
He stayed on his knees a moment longer, forehead pressed to your hip like a penitent at confession. When he finally rose, the red in his eyes had dimmed slightly but the fangs still peeked past his lips and the metal arm still hummed with tension. He looked raw. Exposed. Almost boyish in his uncertainty.
Bucky rubbed the back of his neck, a shy human gesture that felt strangely out of place on a centuries-old vampire.
āI⦠prepared dinner for you,ā he said softly, a faint flush coloring his pale cheeks. āIāve been cooking since the afternoon. I wanted tonight to feel⦠normal. Before everything else.ā
You blinked, surprised, still wiping tears from your face. āYou cooked? For me?ā
He gave a small, almost shy nod. āI havenāt cooked for anyone in⦠a very long time. I wanted it to be perfect.ā
He led you further into the penthouse with gentle care, one hand hovering near the small of your back without quite touching. The long dining table was set beautifully for one, fine china, crystal glasses, silverware polished to a mirror shine. Tall candles flickered in elegant holders, casting warm golden light across the room. A bottle of deep red wine breathed in a decanter. Soft, old jazz played from hidden speakers, something slow and smoky from the 1940s.
You could see into the open kitchen: chopping boards with fresh herb scraps, a pot that had clearly been simmering for hours, an empty wine bottle he must have used in the sauce.
Bucky pulled out your chair like a gentleman from another century, then sat across from you. He didnāt touch his own plate.
The feast was incredible.
Bucky had clearly poured hours into it. A rich homemade minestrone soup steamed gently in a beautiful ceramic bowl, loaded with fresh vegetables and herbs. Next to it sat a generous serving of creamy garlic pasta with fresh basil and shaved parmesan. There was a perfectly roasted vegetable medley glistening with olive oil and sea salt, a beautifully seared steak with rosemary and garlic butter and a large tray of homemade lasagna, layers of tender pasta, rich meat sauce, creamy ricotta, and melted mozzarella that still bubbled from the oven. A basket of warm, golden garlic bread sat beside it, the aroma of butter and roasted garlic filling the air.
On a side table waited three different desserts: tiramisu dusted with cocoa, dark chocolate cake layered with silky ganache and fresh berries with whipped cream and mint.
You took your first bite of the pasta and actually moaned. āBucky⦠this is amazing. When did you even have time to do all this?ā
He watched you eat with quiet intensity, a small smile playing at his lips despite the fangs. āIāve had a lot of time to learn things over the centuries. Cooking was one way I tried to feel⦠human. I started preparing everything this morning. I needed to do something with my hands or I was going to lose my mind waiting for you to say yes.ā
You ate slowly, studying him the entire time, the way candlelight danced across his pale skin, the subtle shift of metal plates under his sleeve, the faint red glow still lingering at the edges of his eyes. The silence finally became too much.
āBucky⦠why arenāt you eating anything?ā you asked gently.
He gave a low, tired chuckle and leaned back in his chair, eyes soft but shadowed.
āI can eat human food, doll. Some of us do it at galas or restaurants to blend in. But it tastes like ash in my mouth. No real flavor. No nourishment. Most of us vomit it up later, or it just sits heavy and makes us sick. If we rely on it too long, we get weak⦠malnourished.ā His voice dropped, dark and intimate. āNothing, nothing, compares to blood. Especially yours.ā
You swallowed hard, heart racing, but took another slow bite of the pasta anyway. The rich garlic and herbs still tasted divine to you, even if they were nothing to him. Curiosity was slowly winning the war against your nerves. āSo the garlic in this pasta⦠itās really fine?ā
He smiled faintly, fangs glinting in the candlelight. āOld folklore. Garlic doesnāt hurt us. It just smells strong. Some of us find it unpleasant, like it stings our nose but it wonāt kill me. I actually like cooking with it. Reminds me of simpler times.ā
You nodded, chewing thoughtfully. āCan you see yourself in mirrors?ā
He let out a soft laugh. āYes. Always have. The whole āno reflectionā thing was invented by Bram Stoker as a narrative device to show vampires lacked a soul. I still shave the old-fashioned way every evening.ā
āWhat about sunlight?ā you pressed, leaning forward. āDo you sparkle or burst into flames like in the movies?ā
Bucky let out a genuine laugh, the sound low and warm, cutting through the heavy tension in the room. āNo sparkling. That one always makes me laugh. I can go out in daylight- it just weakens me. The older I get, the more it burns if I stay out too long. Like a bad sunburn that never quite heals. Thatās why I prefer evening dates. Sunsets are my limit on a good day.ā
You kept going, emboldened by his patience. āHoly water? Crosses? What about stakes?ā
āHoly water feels like a mild burn on the skin, like touching a hot pan for half a second. Crosses do nothing- never have.ā He shrugged. āAs for stakes⦠that whole āwooden stake through the heart kills usā idea is mostly modern invention. In the old folklore they were just used to pin us down or immobilize us so we couldnāt rise from the grave. To actually finish one of us off, youād need to behead or burn the body.ā
He tapped his chest with a wry smile. āA stake would hurt like hell and slow me down, but I heal too fast. Youād have to be quicker than me and almost nothing is.ā
You set your fork down, studying his face, the way the red glow in his eyes pulsed softly with every answer. āWhen do your fangs come out? Just when youāre hungry?ā
Buckyās eyes darkened, the crimson flaring brighter for a heartbeat. āThey come out when Iām hungry. When Iām angry.ā His voice dropped into a rough growl that sent heat and fear twisting low in your belly. āAnd when Iām aroused. Theyāve been out since you walked into the penthouse. Looking at you does that to me. Every damn time.ā
Your breath caught. Heat flooded your cheeks. āSo right now⦠theyāre because of me?ā
āPartly,ā he admitted, voice rough with honesty. āMostly. You walk in a room and my body reacts before my brain catches up.ā
You bit your lip, fighting the strange flutter in your chest. āDo you⦠shape-shift? Like into bats or wolves or anything?ā
He tilted his head, a small, dangerously charming smirk playing on his lips. āSome of the very old ones can. Bats, rats, owls, foxes, even wolves. I never learned how. Never needed to. I prefer this form. This body.ā His metal fingers flexed slowly on the tablecloth. āItās served me well for seven hundred years. Strong. Fast. Familiar.ā
You nodded slowly, processing everything. āWhat about needing an invitation to enter a home? Is that why you waited for me to open the door sometimes?ā
Buckyās smirk faded into something darker, almost predatory. His red eyes gleamed with dark amusement.
āThat one used to be real,ā he said, voice low. āA long time ago. But we figured it out centuries back. Vampires invented welcome mats. Cute little loophole. Put one outside your door and boom youāve technically invited every vampire in the world inside. Most people have them now without even realizing what theyāre doing.ā
He leaned forward slightly, watching your face.
āI never actually needed an invitation. I only picked your lock those first few times out of habit⦠and because I wanted to hear you invite me in yourself. I wanted to watch that sweet, trusting smile when you opened the door for me. I wanted you to choose to let me in.ā
A deep chill ran down your spine. The candle flames suddenly felt tiny and useless against the growing shadows in the room.
āSo you could just⦠walk in whenever?ā you asked quietly, voice barely above a whisper.
āAnytime,ā he said, eyes locked on yours, unblinking. āDay or night. Rain or shine. Whether youāre awake, asleep, or in the shower. I never have to wait outside again unless you explicitly tell me to leave. And even thenā¦ā
He let the sentence hang, the implication heavy in the air.
You swallowed hard, heart hammering.
Buckyās voice dropped even lower, almost intimate.
āIād probably still watch from the street⦠just to make sure youāre safe.ā
You tried to push past the shiver of fear. āWhat about resting in a coffin with soil from your grave? Is any of that real?ā
Buckyās expression turned almost nostalgic, though there was a hint of darkness in his eyes.
āMostly myth,ā he said. āI donāt need a coffin. I donāt actually need to sleep at all- vampires donāt. The body doesnāt require rest the way a human one does. But some of us do sleep in soil from their homeland. It⦠grounds us. Keeps the centuries from driving them completely insane. I havenāt done that in a long time. The last time was right after the war, when everything hurt too much.ā
The questions kept coming, almost like you couldnāt stop them. āAre all vampires pale and beautiful like you? Or is that just in books?ā
Bucky gave a dark, low chuckle that vibrated through his chest.
āIn the oldest stories, we were bloated, ruddy, purple corpses. Disgusting, swollen things that crawled out of graves smelling of rot, mindless demons driven by pure bestial instinct. No charm, no seduction, just mindless hunger.ā
He smiled, his red eyes gleaming with something hungry and possessive. āBut after the change⦠itās different. The venom rewrites you. Makes you younger. More beautiful. More magnetic.ā
āYou get this pull, an almost supernatural allure that draws people in. Makes them want to get closer. Makes them easy to seduce⦠easy to drain dry without them even realizing whatās happening until itās too late.ā
He leaned forward slightly, voice velvet and smoke. āWhen I turn you, you wonāt just be immortal. Youāll be⦠irresistible. Skin flawless. Body perfected. A face and presence that makes mortals ache to be near you. To offer themselves. To bare their throats without understanding why. Thatās how we survive. Not just by strength- but by beauty. By hunger wrapped in seduction.ā
You swallowed hard, a shiver racing down your spine at how casually he spoke about turning you. Like it was something he had already decided in his mind. āYou keep saying āwhen,āā you whispered. āNot āif.āā
Bucky noticed your unease immediately. He reached across the table and gently took your hand, metal fingers cool but careful against your skin.
āYou donāt have to worry your pretty head about it right now, doll,ā he murmured, voice softening into that velvet tone that always made your stomach flutter. āIām not going to rush you. Iām not going to force anything. When- if- it happens, itāll be when youāre ready. I just⦠I canāt stand the thought of watching you grow old and die while I stay like this. Iāve buried too many people I cared about. I donāt want you to be one of them.ā
He lifted your hand to his lips and pressed a slow, reverent kiss to your knuckles, fangs lightly grazing your skin in a promise that made your pulse jump wildly.
āYouāre already perfect to me,ā he whispered against your fingers. āHuman or not.ā
You stared at him across the flickering candles, heart racing with a dizzying mixture of fear, fascination, lingering anger, and something far deeper. The jazz still played softly. The feast was slowly cooling on your plate. And the vampire who had just answered every terrifying question with surprising patience was still holding your hand like it was the most precious thing in his long, dark life.
āThis is⦠a lot to take in,ā you said finally, voice barely above a whisper.
Buckyās red eyes softened. āI know. Take all the time you need. Ask me anything. Iāll answer every question, no matter how dark. And I understand if itās too much. If you want to run, I wonāt stop you.ā
You didnāt run.
Instead, you reached across the table and gently touched his metal hand.
āIām still here,ā you whispered, fingers tracing the cool plates. āI wonāt run.ā
Bucky turned his hand over instantly, metal fingers carefully closing around yours like he was afraid youād disappear. His glowing red eyes searched your face, raw and uncertain.
āThereās one more thing,ā he said, voice dropping even lower, almost ashamed. āSometimes⦠I can slip into dreams. Like an incubus. Iāve done it to you. Many times. Iāve made you dream filthy things while you slept. Made you feel my hands spreading you open, my mouth on your cunt, my cock buried so deep you were sobbing my name. Youād wake up soaked, thighs slick, aching so badly you had to touch yourself⦠and you thought it was just your imagination.ā
Your breath hitched sharply. Heat flooded your face and lower, a sudden throb between your legs. āYou⦠did that?ā
Buckyās eyes burned brighter, pupils blown wide. āEvery night I couldnāt stay away. Even when I tried to stop myself. Iād stand in the corner of your room, hard as steel and push into your mind just to hear you moan for me in your sleep. Iām sorry. I know how fucked up that is.ā
The silence between you crackled, thick, electric, heavy with fear, shame, and dark, undeniable desire. Your pulse thundered in your ears. You didnāt pull your hand away.
The tension finally snapped.
You stood up slowly, chair scraping against the floor. Bucky rose to meet you, chest heaving. The first kiss was slow and reverent, his hands cradling your face like you were made of glass. But hunger took over fast. The kiss turned deep, desperate, tongues sliding, teeth clashing. You moaned into his mouth and he answered with a broken growl that vibrated straight to your core.
He pulled back suddenly, breathing hard, fangs fully extended and gleaming. A thin string of saliva still connected his lower lip to your skin. He looked feral. Starving. Devastatingly beautiful.
You stared, heart pounding with something far beyond fear now. Curiosity and lust burned hotter. You reached up, cupped his jaw, thumb brushing the sharp line of his cheekbone. āOpen for me, Bucky.ā
His glowing red eyes flickered with surprise, but he obeyed instantly. Lips parting, he showed you the full, lethal length of his fangs. A low, needy growl rumbled in his chest, submissive and desperate, like he was offering himself up for your inspection.
You traced one fang slowly with your thumb, feeling the razor edge without cutting yourself. āDoes it hurt when they come out?ā
āJust a dull ache,ā he murmured, voice gravel-rough and trembling. āLike an old wound. But right now⦠fuck, doll, it feels good. Because itās you touching them.ā His tongue flicked out helplessly. Thick drool slipped from the corner of his mouth, sliding down his chin as he fought the urge to bite.
You leaned in, eyes locked on his and dragged your tongue slowly up the length of one fang. The metallic tang mixed with his dark, cold taste, addictive and intoxicating. Bucky groaned deep in his throat, the sound broken and filthy. His metal hand tightened on your waist, hard enough to bruise, hips jerking forward involuntarily against you.
āFuck⦠youāre gonna kill me,ā he rasped, drooling openly now. Saliva dripped onto your chest as he watched you explore him with wide, submissive eyes. āNo oneās ever⦠touched them like that. No oneās ever been brave enough.ā
āDoes drinking hurt?ā you asked, still licking and teasing the sharp point, sucking gently at the tip.
āOnly if I want it to.ā His voice cracked into something dangerous and wrecked. āI can make it burn like fire⦠or feel like the best orgasm youāve ever had. Iāve learned control over centuries. But with you-ā He shuddered hard when you sucked harder. ā-I donāt know how long itāll last. Please⦠dollā¦ā
You smiled, wicked and curious and took the entire tip of his fang into your mouth, sucking softly. Bucky snarled, the sound purely submissive and lifted you off the ground like you weighed nothing. Clothes were torn away in a frantic blur, your shirt ripped down the middle, his pants shoved down just enough. He carried you to the bedroom, metal arm cool and unyielding against your bare back and laid you on the bed with surprising gentleness.
But the second your back hit the mattress, the hunger consumed him.
He worshipped you for what felt like hours. Mouth everywhere. He sucked dark, claiming bruises into your breasts, fangs grazing your nipples until you arched and whimpered. He licked long, messy stripes down your stomach, drooling shamelessly over your skin, leaving shiny, cooling trails. When he finally shoved your thighs apart and settled between them, his red eyes burned up at you with raw need.
āIāve tasted you before,ā he confessed, voice thick with shame and lust, pressing open-mouthed kisses to your inner thigh. āWhile you slept. Just little sips from your wrist or your thigh. Never enough to hurt you. Never while you were awake, watching me like this.ā He groaned, hips grinding helplessly against the sheets. āIām sorry⦠but I couldnāt stop. You taste like fucking heaven.ā
His tongue dragged slowly through your folds, and the broken, desperate sound he made was almost worshipful. āLet me make it up to you, doll. Please. Let me show you how good I can make it feel when youāre awake.ā
Before you could answer, he buried his face in your cunt. No teasing. He devoured you, filthy, wet, obscene sounds filling the room as his tongue fucked deep inside you, curling, thrusting. His drool mixed with your slick, dripping down his chin, soaking the sheets. Two thick fingers joined his tongue while his thumb rubbed tight circles on your clit. You came the first time with a broken cry, thighs clamping around his head. He didnāt stop. He sucked your clit between his lips and growled, the vibration sending you over again almost immediately, sobbing his name.
Only then did he crawl up your body, cock heavy and leaking against your thigh. He was massive, thick, flushed dark, the head already glistening with precum and your own slick. You reached down with a shaky hand and stroked him, spreading the mess along his length.
āBucky⦠youāre so fucking big,ā you whimpered, eyes wide with a mix of awe and nerves.
āI know, baby,ā he groaned, pressing his forehead to yours, breathing ragged and hot against your lips. āGonna go slow at first. Breathe for me. Iāve got you. Tell me if it hurts, okay? I need to hear you.ā
He pushed in inch by inch, stretching you open until you felt impossibly full. The burn was intense but perfect, bordering on too much. When he bottomed out, he stayed there, hips twitching, drooling onto your neck as he fought for control.
āFuck⦠youāre so tight,ā he rasped, voice wrecked. āSo warm and wet for me. Taking every inch like you were made for this cock. How does it feel, doll? Does it hurt?ā
āA little,ā you gasped, nails digging into his shoulders. āItās so much⦠but it feels good. Donāt stop.ā
He stayed buried deep, rolling his hips in slow, careful circles, letting you adjust. āGood girl. Breathe. Iāve got you. If it gets too much, you tell me. Promise me.ā
āI promise,ā you whispered, legs wrapping tighter around him.
Then he started moving, deep, slow rolls of his hips at first, letting you feel every ridge and vein dragging inside you. The headboard creaked under his metal grip. Soon the pace turned punishing, hips snapping hard, the wet slap of skin on skin echoing obscenely through the room. He fucked you like heād been starving for you for decades.
āMine,ā he snarled against your throat, fangs scraping your skin. āSay it.ā
āIām yours- fuck, Bucky, Iām yours!ā
Your orgasm was building fast, walls fluttering around his cock. Bucky suddenly slowed, pulling almost all the way out before sliding back in deep. His glowing red eyes locked onto yours, intense and pleading.
āDrink from me,ā he rasped, slicing his wrist open with a fang. Dark, ancient blood welled up instantly. āJust a little. Itāll make everything feel better. So much better. Trust me, doll. Youāll feel like youāre flying.ā
You hesitated, breath shaky. āBucky⦠I donāt know if-ā
āPlease,ā he whispered, pressing his bleeding wrist closer to your lips, voice desperate and feral. āIt wonāt hurt you. Itāll heighten everything. Every thrust. Every touch. Every single nerve in your body. Youāll come harder than you ever have. Let me give this to you, baby. Let me make you feel good.ā
The raw need in his voice, combined with the way he was still buried so deep inside you, made you cave. You parted your lips and let him press his wrist to your mouth.
The first taste was overwhelming, rich, metallic, and strangely sweet, like dark spiced wine laced with raw power. His blood flooded your tongue and burned down your throat. Almost immediately, fire spread through your veins. Pleasure exploded tenfold. Every nerve lit up like live wires. The stretch of his cock inside you suddenly felt impossibly better, every ridge dragging against sensitive spots you didnāt even know existed.
āOh my God-ā you gasped, eyes rolling back, a broken moan tearing from your throat.
Bucky groaned loudly, hips snapping forward harder. āThatās it⦠good girl. Feel me now. Feel how deep I am. How full you are. Does it still hurt, doll? Tell me.ā
āNo- fuck, it feels⦠incredible,ā you sobbed, legs shaking around him. āDonāt stop. Please donāt stop.ā
He fucked you through it without mercy, eyes glowing brighter, drooling onto your chest as he watched you fall apart.
āFuck, look at you,ā he growled, voice wrecked with feral hunger. āDrinking my blood and creaming all over my cock like a perfect little slut. So fucking perfect. So mine. You okay, baby? Not lightheaded?ā
āIām⦠Iām good,ā you gasped, tears of overwhelming pleasure streaming down your face. āItās so much- I feel like Iām burning up in the best way.ā
He kept feeding you small sips as he pounded into you, each swallow making the pleasure spiral higher and higher until you were sobbing, shaking, coming again and again. The room spun. Your body felt like it was on fire in the best possible way, every thrust, every drag of his cock, every brush of his skin against yours amplified into pure bliss.
āDoes it still feel good?ā he panted, voice rough and concerned even as he fucked you like a beast. āTalk to me, doll. Tell me youāre okay.ā
He shifted higher, mouth trailing wet, open kisses up your leg until he reached your calf. Without warning, his fangs sank deep into the soft, sensitive flesh there, right below the knee, where the muscle was firm but yielding. The sharp, burning pain exploded through you, mixing violently with the overwhelming pleasure still pulsing from his blood in your veins.
The combined sensation sent you over the edge one final time, his fangs buried deep in your calf while his thick cock slammed into you with brutal, relentless strokes. You screamed, raw and broken, vision whiting out as your walls clenched violently around him. His hot, endless pulses of cum flooded you at the exact same moment, thick ropes painting your insides until it squirted out around his pistoning shaft with every thrust, slick and obscene. The wet, filthy sound of it echoed through the room, wet squelching, skin slapping, your mixed fluids soaking the sheets beneath you.
āFuck- take it all, doll,ā Bucky growled against your neck, voice ragged and possessive, his metal fingers digging bruises into your hip while his flesh hand fisted your hair. āGonna fill this greedy little cunt until itās dripping for days. Youāre mine now. Every drop of blood, every fucking inch of this perfect body- mine.ā
He kept rutting through his orgasm, hips snapping harder, chasing the last spasms of your climax until your thighs shook uncontrollably. The bedframe groaned in protest under the force, wood creaking dangerously with every punishing thrust. You were a mess, sweat-slick, cum-stuffed, blood trickling from the fresh bite marks on your neck and calf where heād feasted earlier. The metallic tang of your blood still coated his tongue as he licked greedily at the wound.
Then it happened.
One particularly savage thrust, his cock slamming so deep you swore you felt him in your guts, made the entire bed collapse. The wooden slats snapped with a loud crack, the mattress dropping hard onto the box spring. You both jolted, still locked together.
āOh fuck!ā you gasped, eyes wide, a breathless laugh already bubbling up.
Bucky froze mid-thrust, cock still buried to the hilt inside your fluttering pussy, his glowing eyes blinking in confusion. āWhat the- did we justā¦?ā
The absurdity hit you both at once. You burst into giggles, the sound bright and giddy even as his cum continued to leak out around where you were joined. Buckyās serious, post-orgasm face cracked, and he let out a low, rumbling laugh that vibrated through his chest into yours.
āShit, doll,ā he chuckled, forehead dropping to yours, still half-hard and twitching inside you. āBroke the damn bed. Guess I donāt know my own strength when Iām buried in this tight, sloppy heaven.ā
You grinned up at him, running your fingers through his messy hair, feeling the coolness of his skin, vampire cool, never quite warm like a humanās. āMmm, worth it. You fucked me so hard Iām gonna feel you for a week. My vampire super-soldier broke the bed railing me like a damn animal. Kinda hot.ā
He smirked, fangs still partially extended, glistening with your blood. āAnimal, huh? Careful what you ask for.ā He gave one lazy, deep roll of his hips, pushing his cum deeper, making you whimper. āStill hard for you. Could go again right here on the broken wreckage.ā
You laughed softer this time, cupping his face. āLater, Buck. Iām wrecked. But⦠youāre not gonna sleep, are you?ā
Buckyās expression softened. He carefully pulled out with a wet sound, a gush of his spend following, dripping down your ass onto the ruined sheets. He sealed the bite on your neck first, slow, reverent licks of his tongue, warm and soothing, the healing properties in his saliva already knitting the skin. Then he moved lower, spreading your thighs wide to lap gently at the bite on your inner thigh, tasting the mix of your blood and his cum with a low, appreciative groan.
āFuck, look at this pretty, used cunt,ā he murmured filthily between licks. āAll swollen and leaking my load. So damn perfect.ā He pressed a tender kiss right over your clit before crawling back up.
He didnāt lie down beside you like a human would. Instead, he sat up against the tilted headboard of the collapsed bed, metal arm pulling you effortlessly into his lap so you were draped over his chest. His fingers, both flesh and metal, traced lazy, soothing patterns along your spine, your ass, the backs of your thighs.
āI donāt need sleep, baby,ā he said quietly, voice low and intimate in the dark. āHavenāt in decades. Iāll stay right here, watching over you. Listening to that beautiful heartbeat. After everything⦠I canāt risk losing you too.ā
You nuzzled into his neck, kissing the old scars there. āYouāre not gonna lose me, Bucky. Iām yours. I chose this, chose you. The biting, the blood, the way you fuck me stupid⦠all of it. Iām not going anywhere.ā Your hand slid down his abs, giving his still-hard cock a lazy stroke. āEven if you do break every bed we own.ā
He let out a soft, relieved laugh, pressing kisses to your temple, your eyelids, your swollen lips. āGood girl. My perfect doll. Iāll buy a reinforced steel frame tomorrow. Maybe bolt it to the damn floor.ā His voice dropped, more serious, thumb brushing your jaw. āYouāre safe with me. I swear it. Iāll burn the world before I let anything touch you. Youāre my light now. My reason.ā
You smiled sleepily, body heavy and sated, the buzz of his blood in your veins making everything warm and floaty. āMmm. Love you, my vampire. Even if youāre a creepy non-sleeper who stares at me all night.ā
āCreepy, huh?ā He nipped your ear playfully, then soothed it with his tongue. āKeep talking like that and Iāll spread these thighs again and make you scream my name until sunrise.ā
āPromises, promisesā¦ā you mumbled, already drifting.
Bucky held you tighter, one hand possessively cupping your cum-filled pussy, the other stroking your hair. He stayed awake all night like that, cock half-hard against your thigh, silent blood-tinged tears slipping down his cheeks onto the pillow, heart aching with a love so fierce it terrified him. Your heartbeat was steady and strong against his chest, the last pure thing left in his long, violent existence.
And heād protect it with every undead fiber of his being.
You woke slowly, blinking against the soft morning light filtering through the curtains, your body deliciously sore and heavy with the afterglow of being thoroughly claimed. The first thing you noticed was the chaos surrounding you.
The bed was completely destroyed, slats snapped clean in half, the mattress tilted at a ridiculous angle on the broken box spring and white down feathers absolutely everywhere. They drifted lazily through the air like snow, clung to your sticky skin, tangled in your messy hair and dusted the dried streaks of cum and blood that painted your thighs and stomach. Feathers stuck to the dark bite marks on your neck and breasts, nestled in the crease of your ass and even floated gently off the ruined sheets every time you shifted.
The bed was empty. Or so you thought.
āBucky?ā you murmured, voice raspy from screaming his name half the night. A faint flutter of panic mixed with the warm throb between your legs.
Before you could sit up, the most sinful, decadent sensation hit you, a warm wet tongue dragging with deliberate, unhurried laziness up the soft, sensitive skin of your inner thigh. Each long, slow stroke pressed firmly against a fresh, throbbing bite mark, the one Bucky had left deep in the throes of last nightās passion. The feeling was possessive, almost worshipful, like he was savoring every drop of you.
A shiver raced through your body and a soft, breathy moan escaped your lips. You looked down to find Bucky right there between your spread thighs, his massive metal arm draped heavily over your hip to keep you pinned open for him. His mouth was latched onto that tender wound, tongue working in slow, reverent circles as he licked it closed, sealing it with his cool venom while tasting the last faint traces of your blood. The sting mixed with pleasure in a way that made your core clench emptily, still aching and leaking from how brutally heād fucked you hours earlier.
He must have been waiting for you to stir.
When he felt you tense, he lifted his head just enough to look up at you through hooded crimson eyes that glowed with hunger and raw devotion. His lips were shiny, slick and stained vivid crimson with your blood. Feathers clung to his dark hair and broad shoulders like some filthy, fallen angel.
āGood morning, my sweet girl,ā he rumbled, voice gravelly and thick. āFound you leaking all over the wreckage. Couldnāt resist cleaning up my mess. You taste even better in the morning- soft, warm and dripping with me.ā
You let out a shaky laugh, glancing around at the feather explosion and broken wood. āWe really destroyed everything, didnāt we? Feathers in my ass, feathers in my hair⦠I look like I got attacked by a pillow factory after the worldās hardest fuck.ā
Bucky chuckled darkly, dragging his tongue slowly up your slit, collecting the creamy mix of his dried cum and your fresh arousal. āMmm. Worth every splinter and every damn feather. I woke up hard as fuck just from smelling how soaked you still are. Been down here licking you for ten minutes, waiting for those pretty eyes to open.ā
Heat flooded your cheeks. āBucky⦠thank you. For last night. For letting me drink from you. It felt⦠God, it felt incredible. Like every nerve in my body was on fire and singing at the same time. I donāt know how to repay you for something so intimate.ā
He crawled up your body with predatory grace, feathers shifting around you both, until he hovered over you. Then he kissed you deeply, hungrily, tongue sliding into your mouth so you could taste the copper of your own blood mixed with his cool sweetness and the filthy evidence of your combined releases.
āYou never have to repay me, sweetheart,ā he whispered against your lips, brushing feathers from your flushed face with gentle metal fingers. āIād drain every drop I have into you if it made you feel even half that good. Your pleasure is everything to me. Youāre everything to me. Donāt ever thank me like you owe me. Youāre my girl. My heart. Iād burn the world down just to keep you warm and safe in my arms.ā
You smiled shyly up at him, that bashful look that always made his ancient chest tighten. āI still feel lucky. Every single time you choose me.ā
Bucky groaned and pressed lingering kisses to your forehead, eyelids and the tip of your nose. āStay right here in this ruined bed, baby. Donāt move. Iām gonna make you breakfast- you need fuel after I took so much blood and fucked you raw.ā
You watched him leave the room completely naked, that perfect sculpted ass and broad back on full display, long angry red scratches running down his shoulders and spine, some deep enough to have drawn thin trails of dried blood. Guilt twisted in your stomach.
When he returned balancing a tray loaded with food, you sat up quickly, clutching the sheet.
āBucky⦠your back,ā you whispered, voice thick with remorse as he set the tray down on the tilted mattress. āI did that? Oh God, Iām so sorry, Buck. I got so lost in it, scratching and begging like a wild animal-ā
He climbed onto the broken bed without hesitation and pulled you straight into his lap, sheet and all, so your back rested against his solid chest. His thick cock, already half-hard again, nestled hot and heavy against your ass. The scratches looked even more vicious up close.
āShh, none of that,ā he murmured, kissing your temple, then your ear. āI fucking love these marks. Every single one. Means my perfect girl lost control while I was balls-deep, pounding that tight cunt and flooding you with cum. Means I made you feel so good you turned feral. You wear my bites and bruises like jewelry⦠Iāll wear your scratches like badges of honor. Thatās how it should be between us, doll.ā
You still looked guilty, so he gently tilted your chin up, forcing you to meet those glowing red eyes. āEat, baby. Before it gets cold. I made all your favorites.ā
The tray held fluffy scrambled eggs with fresh herbs, crispy bacon, sliced strawberries and melon, buttered toast and cold orange juice. You relaxed back against his chest as he picked up the fork and began feeding you slow, careful bites, one hand continuously stroking through your feather-dusted hair while the other rested possessively on your stomach, thumb tracing lazy circles over your skin.
Every few bites heād lean down and kiss your shoulder, your neck, the dark claiming bite marks heād left. His fingers traced the vivid bruises on your hips and inner thighs with open, filthy pride.
āLook at you,ā he murmured hotly against your ear, voice dropping into that low, dirty register. āAll covered in my marks like a goddamn masterpiece. These pretty thighs bruised purple from my hands spreading you open while I railed you. This sweet little pussy still puffy, sore, and leaking my cum from how many times I filled you. And these gorgeous titsā¦ā He cupped one gently, thumb brushing the bite right above your nipple. āMarked up so anyone who sees you knows exactly who owns this body. My perfect, filthy girl. So soft and sweet when you thank me for my blood⦠but you turn into a desperate little cockslut when Iām stretching this cunt open, scratching my back bloody and begging me to breed you deeper.ā
You whimpered around a bite of toast, cheeks burning but you pressed back against his hardening cock. āBucky⦠youāre making me wet again just talking like that. I can feel you getting hard against my ass.ā
He chuckled darkly, the sound vibrating through his chest into yours. āGood. Thatās what I want. I love how sincere you are, doll- blushing and thanking me even after Iāve had you screaming and creaming all over my cock half the night. It makes the monster in me want to wrap you up and protect you forever⦠and it also makes me want to bend you over these broken slats and fuck you raw again until youāre crying and begging for another load.ā
You turned your head, kissing his jaw tenderly. āI love you. All of you- the monster, the man, the way you take care of me even after you ruin me and break the bed.ā
His arms tightened around you, metal and flesh, and he buried his face in your neck with a low, possessive growl. āI love you more than Iāve ever loved anything in centuries, sweetheart. Youāre mine. Every moan, every drop of blood, every scratch on my back⦠itās all mine. Now finish your breakfast so I can lay you down in all these feathers and lick that pretty pussy until youāre shaking and soaking my face. Then Iāll feed you more. And if you keep thanking me so sweetly, Iāll let you drink from me again while Iām buried so deep inside you that you feel me for days.ā
The monster was wide awake, completely, dangerously obsessed and he had never been happier.
The honeymoon phase didnāt last long.
What started as stolen kisses in the library stacks after closing quickly spiraled into something darker, more addictive and far more dangerous. You and Bucky fell into a secret rhythm that consumed both of you. Youād sneak out of your apartment at all hours, heart hammering and meet him in shadowed alleys, on empty rooftops, or in the back of his blacked-out SUV where heād fuck you until you couldnāt walk straight. Some nights heād show up at your door unannounced, eyes already black and take you right there against the wall before you could even say hello.
You started wearing high collars, scarves, and heavy concealer everywhere. Fresh bite marks bloomed on your neck, your breasts, the soft insides of your thighs. Some nights he bit you in three different places just because he couldnāt stop tasting you.
āYouāre mine now,ā heād growl against your skin, licking the wounds closed with slow, possessive drags of his tongue while drool slipped from his fangs. āNo one else gets to see these marks. No one else gets to touch what belongs to me.ā
You lied to your friends. You lied to your coworkers. You told yourself you could handle the monster you were falling for.
But Bucky was losing control.
His obsession turned feral.
Your creepy ex Lance, the one who still drunk-texted you at 2 am calling you a worthless bitch for leaving him, was found dead in his apartment four days later. The news called it a ābrutal animal attack.ā Throat torn out. Body almost completely drained of blood. No forced entry. No fingerprints.
You stared at the graphic photos on your phone until your vision blurred.
When he showed up at your apartment that night, soaked from the rain, you were waiting for him. The printed news articles were spread across your kitchen table like evidence at a crime scene.
The second he stepped through the door, you shoved the papers into his chest.
Bucky didnāt even glance at the articles. His eyes were already pitch black, fangs partially extended, a thin string of clear drool slipping from the corner of his mouth as he stared at you like a starving wolf.
āI took care of them,ā he said, voice low and rough. āThey touched whatās mine. They scared you. They donāt get to keep breathing after that.ā
You backed up until you hit the kitchen counter, chest heaving.
āThey werenāt innocent,ā he snarled, stepping closer. More drool slid down his chin. āLance sent you death threats. Pictures of you sleeping. The other one had videos on his phone, following you home, jerking off to you. I smelled what they wanted to do to you. I saw it.ā
Tears burned in your eyes. Your hands were shaking.
āYou canāt just murder people because they looked at me the wrong way! This isnāt protection, this is insanity!ā
Buckyās metal hand slammed into the cabinet beside your head, splintering the wood. He was breathing hard, drooling openly now, fangs fully extended and glistening.
āI would burn this entire fucking city to the ground for you,ā he growled, voice breaking. āI already lost the only woman I ever loved. I watched her die screaming my name while I tried to save her. I wonāt lose you too. I wonāt. I canāt.ā
The silence that followed was deafening.
You should have screamed. You should have run.
Instead, you grabbed the front of his wet shirt with both hands and yanked him into a brutal, angry kiss.
He tasted like rain and blood and desperation. He groaned into your mouth, lifting you onto the counter in one motion and shoving your legs apart. His hands were shaking as he ripped your panties aside.
You were horrified.
You were dripping wet.
That night you rode him on your couch like you were trying to punish both of you, nails raking bloody lines down his chest while he drooled against your neck, fangs scraping your skin without breaking it. Every thrust was punishing and worshipful at the same time.
Afterward, when you were both panting and spent, you curled into his lap on the couch, still shaking from the intensity of it all. Your body ached. Your mind was a storm of fear and twisted desire.
Bucky buried his face in your hair, arms wrapped around you like iron bands, so tight it almost hurt to breathe. His chest heaved against your back. You could feel his drool, warm and slick, sliding down the side of your neck from his slightly parted lips. His fangs were still partially extended, brushing your skin with every ragged breath.
His voice was barely a whisper, raw with shame and something much darker.
āIāve thought about it, you know,ā he confessed against your throat, lips moving wetly over your pulse. āTurning you. Against your will.ā
You froze in his lap, every muscle locking up.
He kept going, voice cracking painfully, like the words were being ripped out of him.
āI fantasize about it almost every night,ā he whispered, the confession trembling. āHolding you down while you fight me. Pinning you with my metal arm so you canāt move no matter how hard you scream. Draining you until youāre weak and crying and begging me to stop⦠then forcing my blood down your throat while Iām still buried balls-deep inside you. Fucking you through the change until your heart stops and you wake up screaming with new fangs in your mouth.ā
A broken, wet sob tore out of him. Drool and blood tears mixed on your shoulder as he pressed closer, almost rocking you.
āI imagine the way youād hate me at first. The way youād scream my name in terror while your body burns and breaks and reforms. But Iād keep going. Iād hold you through it. Because then youād be mine. Forever. Safe. Eternal. Youād never grow old and die like Dot did. Youād never leave me. Even if you hated me for eternity⦠at least youād be here. With me.ā
His voice dropped into something truly terrifying, low, trembling, unhinged.
āSome nights when youāre sleeping in my arms, bleeding from my bites⦠I hold my wrist right against your mouth. I pry your lips open with my fingers and imagine forcing it down your throat while youāre still unconscious. I want it so fucking bad it physically hurts me to stop myself. My hands shake. I drool just thinking about it. I have to leave the room sometimes because Iām scared Iāll actually do it.ā
You sat there in his lap, silent tears running down your face, heart hammering so hard it hurt. His drool was sliding down your collarbone. His blood tears soaked into you. You could feel his cock twitching against your thigh, still half-hard, like even confessing this horror turned him on.
You didnāt know if you were holding a man anymoreā¦
ā¦or the monster who was slowly going to destroy you.
Buckyās arms tightened even more, almost crushing you against his chest. His voice cracked into a broken, childlike whimper.
āIām so fucking scared Iām going to do it one day. Iām scared I wonāt be able to stop myself. Iām scared Iāll wake up one morning and youāll be like me⦠and youāll never forgive me.ā
He pressed his face harder into your neck, fangs scraping your skin, drooling openly now as fresh blood tears fell.
āBut God⦠I want it. I want it so much.ā
You sat there in the dark, trembling in the arms of the vampire who had just admitted he fantasized about violating you in the worst possible way and you still wrapped your arms around him.
You still held on tighter.
And that terrified you more than anything else.
Because deep down, some sick, addicted part of you wasnāt sure you would stop him if he tried.
Bucky watched it all with growing horror, red eyes wide and unblinking.
He turned his sleek, modern bedroom into a nightmare sickroom overnight. Humidifier hissing like a dying animal. Stolen IV bags hanging from a makeshift stand. Bottles of antibiotics he didnāt trust. Ancient herbal poultices that smelled like rot and grave dirt. Cold cloths. Thermometers. Nothing helped. Your fever climbed past 104. Your breathing turned wet and rattling, like drowning on dry land.
On the third night, you were barely conscious, convulsing in his arms as another coughing fit tore through you.
āJamesā¦ā you rasped, voice barely more than a broken whisper, tears streaming down your fever-flushed face. āPlease⦠take me to a hospital. I need real doctors. Tests. Medicine. Iām scared- Iām so fucking scared. I feel like Iām dying.ā
His eyes flashed blood-red, fangs fully extended, drool slipping from the corner of his mouth in thick strings.
āNo.ā The word came out like a growl from the pit of hell. āNo hospitals. Theyāre butcher shops. Theyāll pump you full of poison, poke you with needles and watch you rot under those lights while they pray to a god that doesnāt give a shit. I watched it happen for centuries. I held Dot while she screamed in one of those places. I wonāt lose you the same way.ā
You tried to push him away, but your arms were limp and useless. āBucky, please- Iām begging you. Iām terrified. I donāt want to die here like this. Let me go. Let me call someone.ā
He didnāt budge. The metal arm wrapped around you like iron bands, cool and merciless, as he carried you back to the bedroom despite your weak struggles. You slapped at his chest, sobbing, screaming hoarsely.
āIām scared! Bucky, donāt do this- youāre scaring me! Please, I canāt breathe!ā
The heavy click of the bedroom door locking from the outside echoed like a coffin lid slamming shut.
You were trapped.
Hours blurred into days. The fever spiked so high the room started to warp. Shadows crawled across the ceiling like living things, reaching for you with clawed hands. You heard Dotās screams, a woman youād never met, mixed with your own wet, gurgling coughs. Sometimes you saw her face rotting in the corner, black buboes bursting, whispering that Buckyās blood had killed her too.
Bucky never left your side for long. He sat like a gargoyle on the edge of the bed, eyes permanently black, blood tears carving constant red tracks down his face. Drool dripped from his fangs onto the sheets as hunger and terror twisted him into something truly monstrous.
He murmured hoarsely, pressing icy cloths to your burning skin. His voice cracked with raw desperation. āStay with me, doll. Please. I canāt watch you burn like she did. I canāt bury another woman I love.ā
When your breathing grew too shallow and your pulse fluttered like a dying bird, he made the choice.
He sliced his wrist open with a fang, dark, ancient blood welling up and forced it against your cracked lips.
āDrink,ā he begged, voice shattered and desperate. āDrink for me, baby. Please. I wonāt let you die.ā
The blood burned like liquid fire down your throat, healing and poisoning at once. It dragged you back from the edge for a few hours but the fever only raged hotter. Your body rejected it in violent chills and vomiting.
So Bucky started hunting.
He locked you in with cameras watching your every shallow, rattling breath, then disappeared into the night like the predator he was. You woke once to the sound of the door and saw him covered in blood that wasnāt his, splattered across his shirt, matted in his hair. He carried thermoses of warm stolen blood, mixing it with his own before forcing it down your throat.
The penthouse began to reek of copper, decay, and terror.
When you finally clawed back enough strength to be lucid, you were still weak, still burning but fury gave you fire.
The second he walked back in with another thermos, blood still dripping from his chin, you slapped him hard across the face with everything you had left.
āYou locked me in here!ā you screamed, voice raw and cracking. āYou imprisoned me like a fucking animal! I begged you, Bucky- I begged on my knees and you said no! Iām terrified of you right now. What the hell are you becoming?!ā
Bucky dropped to his knees instantly, metal arm wrapping around your waist like a vice as he pressed his forehead to your stomach. Blood tears soaked through your thin shirt.
āI know,ā he choked out, voice wrecked. āIām a monster. I watched Dot die screaming because my blood poisoned her during the plague. She begged me to let her go and I held her down instead. I canāt- I wonāt- do the same with you. Not you. Please donāt make me bury you too.ā
You sobbed, fists pounding weakly against his shoulders. āThis isnāt love, itās control! Youāre killing me slowly. Iām so scared of what youāll do next. What if your blood makes me worse? What if I never leave this room alive?ā
āIām scared too,ā he whispered, looking up at you with those terrifying black-red eyes, drool and blood mixing on his chin. āIām so fucking terrified of losing you that Iād rather you hate me forever than watch you slip away.ā
You yanked him up by his bloody shirt, tears streaming down your face.
He didnāt give you time to think.
āI need to be inside you,ā he rasped, voice desperate and feral. āRight now. My blood, my cock- it will make you feel better. It will heal you. Let me fuck you. Let me fill you. I can make this okay. I can make you okay.ā
You shoved at his chest hard, fury and terror giving you strength you didnāt know you had.
āNo!ā you cried, voice cracking. āAre you insane?! Iām sick, Iām scared and you want to fuck me?! Iām not some toy you can use to feel better about yourself! Get off me!ā
Buckyās hands tightened on your hips, eyes wild.
āPlease,ā he begged, voice breaking even as his cock pressed insistently against you. āJust let me in. Let me make you feel good. My blood is already in you. Let me finish it. Let me heal you the only way I know how.ā
You slapped him hard across the face, the sound echoing in the locked room.
āI said no!ā you screamed, tears pouring down your cheeks. āIām terrified of you right now! You locked me in here like a prisoner, you fed me blood, youāre acting like a fucking animal- and you think sex is going to fix this?! Get the hell off me!ā
Bucky froze.
For a long, terrible moment he just stared at you, red eyes wide, fangs out, drool and blood tears streaking his face. Then something in him shattered.
He dropped to his knees again, metal arm wrapping around your waist as he pressed his forehead to your stomach, sobbing openly.
āIām sorry,ā he choked out, voice completely broken. āIām so fucking sorry. I know Iām a monster. I know Iām scaring you. I just⦠I canāt watch you die. I canāt do it again. Please donāt hate me. Please.ā
You stood there shaking, still furious, still terrified, but the raw pain in his voice cracked something inside you. You sank down slowly, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as he trembled against you.
The fight dissolved into quiet, broken sobs from both of you.
He held you like you were the only thing keeping him sane, blood tears soaking your shirt, drool and fear mixing on your skin.
The city lights flickered outside the soundproof windows.
Inside, the air was thick with blood, sickness, terror, and the heavy weight of a love that might destroy you both.
And you still curled into his chest, listening to the dead heart that beat only for you⦠wondering how much longer you had before the monster inside him finally won.
The next night, after the fever finally broke and the blood-stained sheets had been burned, Bucky carried you to the roof of his penthouse.
The city sprawled beneath you like a glittering sea of lights, cold wind whipping across the concrete rooftop. He sat on the wide ledge with you curled in his lap, your back against his chest, his metal arm wrapped securely around your waist. For a long time, neither of you spoke. The silence was heavy, weighted down by everything that had happened in that locked room.
āIām still pissed at you,ā you said quietly, staring out at the city. Your voice was hoarse but steady. āYou apologized, but it doesnāt just erase it. You tried to force yourself on me when I was weak and scared. That shit stays with me, Bucky.ā
āI know,ā he murmured, lips brushing the top of your head. His voice was rough with guilt. āAnd Iāll keep being sorry for the rest of your life if thatās what it takes. I hate what I did. I hate that I became that version of myself with you. I was terrified⦠but thatās no excuse. Iām sorry I hurt you. Iām sorry I scared you. Iām sorry I made you feel like a thing instead of the only person I have left.ā
You stayed tense in his arms, anger still simmering under your skin even as you leaned back against him. āGood. You should feel like shit about it.ā
He exhaled shakily. āI do. Every second.ā After a long pause, he continued, softer. āI want you to understand why I lose control like that. Not just hear the stories. I want you to feel them. All the years. All the deaths. All the reasons Iām so fucking broken that Iād rather force you to live than watch you die.ā
You turned in his arms to look at him. His red eyes were haunted, vulnerable in a way that made your chest ache despite your lingering fury.
āHow?ā you asked.
Bucky pressed his wrist to his own mouth and bit down hard. Dark, potent blood welled up immediately, thick and gleaming under the city lights. He offered it to you, eyes glowing faintly red.
āDrink,ā he whispered. āAnd Iāll show you everything. Please.ā
You hesitated but finally brought his bleeding wrist to your lips. The taste exploded across your tongue: copper, power, and centuries of him. The world tilted violently.
Suddenly you were there.
Mud. Endless, sucking mud.
1917 - The Western Front
The stench hit you like a physical blow, rotting flesh, human shit, wet wool, gunpowder, and death. Freezing rain poured down in sheets. Artillery shells screamed overhead and detonated so close your teeth rattled. You felt Buckyās constant, gnawing hunger like it was tearing through your own gut. He hadnāt fed properly in weeks. You moved like a shadow with him between the trenches, ripping out throats of German scouts under cover of night, drinking just enough to stay sane while the screams of dying men tore at what remained of his soul.
āI hated it,ā his real voice murmured against your ear on the rooftop as the memory swallowed you. āBut the screams reminded me I could still feel something.ā
The loneliness was suffocating. Thousands of men all around, laughing, cursing, praying and he was completely, utterly alone. No one could ever know the monster wearing a soldierās uniform.
The vision shifted with brutal force.
December 1944 - The Ardennes Forest
Bitter, freezing snow. Gunfire cracking through the trees like whips.
Then the shell.
White-hot agony ripped through your body as shrapnel tore his left arm clean off at the shoulder. You screamed with him, feeling the bone shatter, muscle rip, hot blood spray across white snow. He dropped to his knees in the freezing slush, roaring in pain while his vampire healing failed to close the massive wound.
HYDRA came next.
Straps biting into skin. Cold metal table. Blinding lights. You felt every bolt and wire as they fused the prototype metal arm directly into the raw, bleeding stump. The pain was apocalyptic. You thrashed in Buckyās lap on the rooftop, whimpering.
āI begged them to let me die,ā he whispered, arms tightening around you. āThey wouldnāt let me.ā
Decades of numbness followed. The metal arm never felt like part of him, just a constant, heavy reminder that even eternity could be mutilated. That even a monster could be broken beyond repair.
The blood-sharing deepened, flooding you with centuries of crushing loneliness in relentless flashes:
Nameless women fucked in candlelit rooms across Europe, then left before dawn because none of them were her.
Standing alone on a cliff in 1803, staring at the crashing ocean, wondering if he should just walk into the sunrise and end it.
Returning year after year to the ashes of that cottage in 1665, sitting among the ruins on the anniversary of Doloresās screaming death, whispering apologies to the wind.
Feeding on killers in dark 1970s Brooklyn alleys, then returning to an empty penthouse to stare at the wall for days, sometimes weeks, with nothing but silence and ghosts for company.
Wave after wave of isolation crashed over you. Seven hundred years of it. You felt every agonizing second.
When the blood-sharing finally ended, you were sobbing violently in his arms on the rooftop, clutching his shirt like he might vanish. Bucky was crying too, silent blood tears tracking down his face.
āIām not her,ā you whispered fiercely through your tears, cupping his wet cheeks. āIām not Dolores. Iām not going to die screaming in your arms. Iām choosing you, Bucky. Scars. Metal arm. Fangs. Murders. All the darkness. I see the monster and Iām still here. Iām still choosing you.ā
He made a broken, wrecked sound and crushed you against his chest, burying his face in your neck.
āI donāt deserve you,ā he choked out. āEspecially not after what I did in that room. I keep waiting for you to realize that and run. Every single night I wait for it.ā
You pulled back just enough to kiss him, slow, deep, tasting salt and blood and centuries of pain.
āIām still pissed at you,ā you whispered against his lips. āThat doesnāt go away overnight. But Iām not running. Even when Iām terrified. Even when you scare the shit out of me. Iām staying.ā
Bucky kissed you harder, almost desperately, metal arm holding you so tight it almost hurt. When he finally pulled back, his red eyes were softer than youād ever seen them.
āYou have no idea what you just did,ā he murmured, voice wrecked. āYou just gave a dead man a reason to keep existing.ā
You stayed on the rooftop until dawn threatened the sky, wrapped in each other, the weight of seven hundred years of loneliness finally shared between two hearts, one living, one long dead.
But the darkness wasnāt done with either of you.
Not yet.
The hunters had been watching for weeks.
A group of ex-military contractors turned self-proclaimed āparanormal investigators,ā they chased high-paying bounties and conspiracy forums. Theyād heard the fragmented stories for months: an ancient vampire with a metal arm operating in Brooklyn, leaving bodies drained and throats torn out in back alleys. Most of them laughed at the vampire part, they figured it was some enhanced super-soldier gone rogue, maybe a Winter Soldier copycat. But the bounty was massive and the rumors were consistent enough to make them curious.
Theyād been tailing both of you. Taking photos. Noting patterns.
And when they saw their opportunity: you, still pale and weak from the illness, walking alone to the corner store in broad daylight, they took it.
A black van screeched up beside you. Two men in tactical gear grabbed you before you could scream. A chemical-soaked rag clamped brutally over your mouth and nose. The world spun violently, then went black.
You woke up zip-tied to a cold metal chair in the middle of an abandoned warehouse on the edge of Brooklyn. The air smelled of rust, mildew, and old oil. Your head throbbed. Your wrists burned where the plastic ties cut into your skin. Six armed men stood around you in a loose circle, rifles held loosely, smirking like this was just another job.
The leader, a bearded man with a scarred face and cold eyes crouched in front of you, tilting his head.
āWell, well. Look whoās awake.ā He grinned. āIf your boyfriend really is some immortal bloodsucker, heāll come running. If notā¦ā He shrugged. āWeāll still get paid for the freak with the metal arm. Either way, jackpot.ā
One of the others laughed, chewing gum loudly. āYou really believe that vampire shit? Probably just some juiced-up psycho with a fancy prosthetic. Weāll put him down like any other target.ā
Another poked your shoulder with the barrel of his rifle. āBet sheās just some poor girl heās been mind-controlling. Pathetic.ā
You spat at the leaderās boots, voice hoarse but defiant. āYou have no idea what youāre fucking with. Let me go. Now.ā
The leader only chuckled darkly. āWeāll find out soon enough, sweetheart. Sit tight.ā
Bucky felt it the instant they grabbed you.
The blood bond, the one he had strengthened every time he drank from you, every time he fed you his own blood, snapped taut like a live wire in his chest. Your fear. Your pain. Your confusion. It hit him so hard he dropped the glass of blood heād been holding. It shattered across the penthouse floor.
His vision went red.
A roar tore out of him, raw, ancient, inhuman, shaking the windows and rattling the walls.
Then the monster took over completely.
He stormed the warehouse alone like judgment day.
The moment the steel doors exploded inward off their hinges, the hunters opened fire. Bullets ripped into his chest, his shoulders, his stomach, his thighs. Blood sprayed from the wounds but he kept walking forward through the hail of gunfire, eyes glowing bright blood-red, fangs fully extended, metal arm whirring violently as the plates shifted and spun.
In front of you, he became something from hell.
The first hunter raised his rifle. Bucky grabbed his arm, ripped it clean off at the shoulder with a wet, tearing sound, and beat the screaming man to death with his own severed limb. Bone crunched. Blood fountained. The manās screams turned into wet gurgles until his skull caved in with a sickening crack.
The second tried to run. Bucky caught him by the waist, metal fingers sinking deep into flesh, and tore him in half at the torso with raw strength. The spine snapped like dry wood. Intestines spilled across the concrete in a steaming pile. The manās dying screams echoed horribly as his upper body twitched on the ground.
The third got close enough to fire point-blank into Buckyās face. Bucky crushed his skull in his metal fist while the man was still screaming, bone fragments and brain matter exploding between the vibrating plates with a wet, disgusting crunch. Blood and gore splattered across your lap and chest.
The fourth and fifth tried to flank him. Bucky moved like death itself, tearing oneās throat out with his teeth, ripping the otherās spine out through his back in a fountain of blood.
The last hunter dropped his gun, stumbling backward, piss staining the front of his pants.
āIt wasnāt real- we didnāt think- please God, we didnāt know he was actually a fucking vampire-!ā
Bucky grabbed him by the throat, lifted him a foot off the ground, and tore his throat out with his fangs in one savage bite. Arterial blood sprayed across the room like a broken hose as the man convulsed and died.
Then silence.
Only the sound of dripping blood, your ragged breathing, and the wet squelch of Buckyās boots in the carnage remained.
Bucky stood in the middle of the slaughter, covered head to toe in blood and gore, chest heaving, fangs still fully extended, eyes glowing like twin hellfires. For a moment he looked every inch the ancient monster he was.
Then he saw you.
The monster shattered.
Bucky dropped to his knees in the pool of blood and viscera, crawling to you with shaking hands, fangs still fully extended, red eyes wild. The metal arm moved with terrifying gentleness as he reached for you first, slicing through the zip-ties with one careful claw so they fell away from your raw, bruised wrists.
āDoll- fuck, let me see you,ā he rasped, voice cracking. His hands immediately started checking you, sliding over your body with desperate care. He turned your wrists gently, thumbs brushing the deep purple bruises left by the plastic ties. He ran his palms down your arms, your ribs, your thighs, searching for wounds, broken bones, blood that wasnāt from the slaughter around you.
āThey hurt you?ā His voice was hoarse, almost whimpering. āTell me where. Did they touch you? Did they- fuck, Iāll kill them again if they-ā
Only the angry red imprints from the zip-ties marred your skin. No cuts. No bites. No worse damage. Relief and guilt crashed over him at once.
āIām sorry,ā he choked out, pressing his forehead to your stomach, trembling violently. āIām so fucking sorry you had to see that. But they touched you. They took you from me. I couldnāt- I canāt lose you. I canāt do it again.ā
He was covered head to toe in someone elseās blood and brains, gore streaking his face, fangs out, blood tears mixing with the carnage dripping down his cheeks. His massive frame shook as he knelt in the slaughter, clinging to you like you were the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely.
You were shaking too, sobbing quietly, your clothes and skin soaked in warm, sticky blood that wasnāt yours. The metallic stench was overwhelming. The screams still rang in your ears.
You should have been terrified. You should have been screaming.
Instead, that dark, addicted part of you reached for him anyway.
You grabbed his bloody face with both hands, fingers sliding through the gore, and yanked him up into a desperate, blood-slick kiss.
Bucky groaned into your mouth like a wounded animal, raw, broken, relieved. The coppery taste of death coated both your tongues as he kissed you back with centuries of fear and feral love. His metal arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you tighter against his blood-soaked chest while his flesh hand cradled the back of your head.
When you finally broke the kiss, foreheads pressed together, breaths mingling in the carnage, you whispered shakily against his gore-stained lips:
āā¦Take me home, Bucky. Please. Just take me home. I donāt want to be here anymore. I just want you to take me home.ā
He nodded frantically, blood tears still falling. āYeah. Yeah, doll. Home. Iāve got you.ā
He lifted you into his arms with ease, cradling you like something precious and fragile among the slaughter. Your head tucked against his neck as he carried you out of the warehouse, boots squelching through puddles of blood, leaving nothing but corpses and the heavy, metallic stench of death behind.
You clung to him the entire way, still trembling, still terrified, but refusing to let go.
The monster had won tonight.
And you were still his.
You woke up every day for three weeks telling yourself this was love.
Bucky had moved you into his penthouse the night after the warehouse massacre. No discussion. He simply carried your exhausted body through the elevator, locked it down with a code only his fingerprints could activate and whispered against your ear in that low, dangerous growl, āYouāre never leaving me again, doll. Never.ā
Your old life was gone. Your apartment, your friends, your thesis notes, they all gathered dust while your clothes now hung neatly beside his in the massive walk-in closet. Every night you slept naked in his silk sheets, the fabric permanently scented with blood, sex and the faint metallic tang of his ancient hunger. He fed you from his wrist, fucked you until you screamed, then held you like you were the only fragile thing left in his centuries-long existence.
You told yourself you were safe. Cherished. Loved.
Tonight, that comforting lie finally burned to ash.
The hunger had been eating him alive for hours.
You were on your back in the middle of his massive bed, legs locked tight around his waist as he fucked you with those deep, claiming strokes youād grown addicted to. At first it felt fucking perfect, his thick cock stretching your dripping cunt wide open, dragging against that sweet spot with every brutal thrust, metal fingers bruising your hips while his mouth sucked dark, possessive marks across your tits.
āFuck, baby⦠this tight little cunt is creaming all over me,ā he growled against your neck, voice thick and raw. āHear how fucking sloppy and wet you sound? Sucking my cock in like you were made for it. My perfect filthy girl.ā
You moaned, nails raking down his back. āHarder, Bucky- please, I need you to ruin me-ā
He gave it to you.
Then the flashback hit like a goddamn freight train.
You sitting on that filthy warehouse floor. Limp. Pale as death. Almost gone forever. Your head lolled weakly to the side, skin ghostly white, lips colorless, eyes half-lidded and unfocused. You looked so fragile, so close to slipping away that the sight nearly brought Bucky to his knees.
His control fucking snapped.
His hips slammed forward with terrifying force. The wet slap of skin turned savage, punishing. Pleasure twisted into sharp, stabbing pain that tore through your core like broken glass.
āBucky- wait! Fuck- too hard!ā you cried, voice already cracking. āSlow down, baby, please- shit, it hurts!ā
He didnāt hear you. His eyes were wild, glowing crimson, fangs fully extended as thick ropes of drool poured from his mouth onto your bouncing tits. He pounded into you like a rabid, starving beast, driven by centuries of hunger and the primal fear of losing you again.
āMine,ā he snarled, the word vicious and broken, vibrating with pure desperation. āThis fucking pussy is mine. Youāre never leaving this bed. Never leaving this goddamn penthouse. Iāll fuck you raw every single night until you canāt even crawl away from me, you hear me? I wonāt let death take you. I wonāt let anything take you.ā
Each savage thrust jolted your whole body. His metal arm crushed your hip with a sickening crack. Bone splintered. White-hot agony exploded through your pelvis like fire. You screamed, back arching violently.
āBucky- stop! Fuck, my hip! Itās breaking- please, baby, please stop! Iām begging you! It hurts so fucking bad!ā
He only fucked you harder, lost in the nightmare, hips snapping forward with inhuman power. Another vicious snap and your left wrist, pinned above your head, shattered with an audible pop. The pain was blinding, nauseating, shooting up your arm like lightning. You screamed until your voice broke, tears pouring down your face as you thrashed helplessly beneath him.
āJesus Christ- Bucky, my wrist! Stop, please! It hurts so fucking bad- I canāt take it! Slow down, Iām scared! Please see me, baby, Iām right here- donāt break me!ā
āLook at you,ā he panted, drool dripping onto your lips and chin, his breath hot and ragged against your skin. āTaking my cock like such a good little slut. So fucking greedy for me even when youāre ruined. Gonna fill this sloppy cunt up until youāre dripping. Gonna keep you leaking my cum for days, baby. Youāre never getting away from me. Never.ā
Your ribs cracked on the next brutal thrust, one, two, three, sharp nauseating crunches that stole your breath completely. Blood bubbled up your throat and trickled from the corner of your mouth in dark rivulets. Your body went terrifyingly limp, only weak, wet gasps leaving you as he kept rutting into your destroyed hole like a desperate, starving animal.
āI almost watched you die once,ā he growled, voice cracking between raw hunger and bone-deep horror. āFelt your heart slowing in my arms while you burned up with that fucking sickness. You were slipping away from me, right here in this bed. Never. Never again.ā
His hips snapped harder, driving deep into you with every word.
āI will keep you here. Fill you. Bind you. You will never leave this penthouse. You will be my eternal companion⦠my blood, my breath, my only reason to keep walking through this damned night. Iāll drink from you every night until the hunger in me is quiet. Iāll hold you while you tremble and beg, and I will never let you go. Youāre mine, my wife, my meal, my everything.ā
You could barely speak now, only weak, broken cries leaving you between gasps. āJames⦠please⦠it hurts⦠everythingās breaking inside me⦠Iām so scared⦠donāt let me die like this⦠please see me⦠I love you, just stop-ā
He froze only when he felt how deathly still you had become, your body no longer fighting, just a fragile, ruined thing in his grasp, blood leaking from you in steady streams.
Reality crashed over him like ice water.
āNo⦠no, no, NO! FUCK NO!ā The roar that tore from his throat was inhuman, shaking the windows and rattling the walls until the glass trembled. He ripped himself out of you with a horrified shout, a flood of blood and slick gushing from your ruined cunt onto the silk sheets. He gathered your shattered body against his chest, rocking you violently as thick, black blood-tears poured down his face in rivers.
āI did it again- I fucking killed you!ā he screamed, voice cracking into something ancient and monstrous. His metal fist smashed the headboard repeatedly, wood exploding into splinters, plaster raining down around you both. āI broke my baby- my perfect sweet girl- I crushed you like a goddamn animal! How the fuck could I do this to you?! After everything, after I swore Iād protect you, I still fucking destroy you! Iām a monster!ā
In his panic he tried desperately to fix it.
He lowered his head and dragged his cool tongue frantically over the mangled ruin of your hip. Long, desperate licks, reverent, almost worshipful just like he did every dawn to the bite marks on your thighs. His cool venom should have sealed the wounds, should have soothed and healed. But the damage was catastrophic. Shattered bone jutted through torn flesh like jagged ivory knives. Blood poured freely. His tongue only lapped desperately at the crimson flow, mixing his saliva with your lifeblood, yet the wounds refused to close.
āFuck- why isnāt it working?!ā he sobbed, voice raw and cracking. āHeal, damn you- heal! Come on, baby, please heal.ā He moved to your shattered wrist, licking over the crushed bones and swollen purple skin with frantic tenderness, fangs carefully retracted. āHeal, my love. My venom has always healed you before. Come back to me. Donāt leave me in this emptiness again. I canāt- I canāt survive without you. Please, donāt die on me!ā
It didnāt work. Your ribs stayed caved in. Your insides were ruptured. Blood kept leaking from your mouth and between your legs. He traced every injury with guilty, starving strokes of his tongue, pressing wet, bloody kisses to your mangled hip, your ruined wrist, your trembling lips.
āIām so fucking sorry- shit, Iām so fucking sorry, doll,ā he choked out, rocking you harder against his chest, his entire body trembling with guilt and fear. āI tried- god, I tried everything. My tongue, my venom, my soul- nothing works when the monster in me takes over. Iām a horror. A starving, desperate horror who destroys the only thing he loves. Forgive me⦠please forgive me.ā
Guilt, hunger and obsessive fear twisted violently inside him until his madness crystallized in an instant.
He slashed his own wrist open with a razor-sharp fang. Dark, ancient blood, thick and burning, gushed from the wound. He cradled your head with both hands, pressing your slack mouth desperately against the gash.
āDrink,ā he begged, voice broken and trembling with terror. āFucking drink, baby. Become mine forever. I cannot watch you die. I will not bury you. Take it. Let me damn you if it means keeping you by my side through all the endless nights. Donāt leave me alone again- Iām so scared without you. So goddamn hungry for you. Please⦠please donāt go. I need you more than Iāve ever needed anything.ā
He held your head tighter, forcing the potent blood past your lips. Your body latched on instinctively, sucking with weak, greedy pulls even at the edge of death. The change ignited like liquid hellfire in your veins.
Your broken bones snapped and realigned with excruciating force, each crack wrenching agonized whimpers and jerks from your throat against his wrist. Your organs burned and rewrote themselves in waves of molten pain. Your heart stuttered violently⦠then stopped completely. The agony was worse than death, pure, liquid fire searing through every vein, every nerve, every inch of your soul as the vampire venom rewrote you from the inside out.
All the while Bucky kept himself buried deep inside your twitching, blood-slick heat. He rocked slowly through your torment, whispering hoarse, broken promises between every shallow, desperate thrust.
āIām sorry, my everything⦠but you belong to me now. Eternally. I will hold you through every dark night. I will drink from you while you cry out my name. You will never grow old. Never slip away from me again. I love you too much- too desperately- to let death have you. Forgive me for what Iāve done⦠even if you hate me forever. This pussy, this body, this soul- itās all mine now. Forever.ā
Your eyes flew open.
Crimson. Glowing. Filled with an ancient, bottomless hunger.
New fangs pushed through your bleeding gums in sharp, painful bursts. You tore your mouth from his wrist, dark blood streaking down your chin and onto your chest, and stared up at him with pure, ravenous starvation.
āBuckyā¦ā Your voice was hoarse, ruined, but dripping with dark, insatiable need. āIām so fucking thirsty.ā
requested by anon : Hi, I love your stories. If you're getting requests, I'd really like to read about vampire!Bucky. The reader would be a normal girl and he a very old vampire who becomes obsessed with her. It has a very dark vibe, but he feels VERY strongly.šš
it was risky, you knew, but something about him just enthralled you. sitting at the other end of the bar on a saturday night, you spotted a big brute of a man dwarfing a glass of amber liquid. with a mask pulled up onto his crooked nose, it exposed the scarred skin of his chin and jaw, and chapped, rough lips. something about the way his dark eyes scanned the room made your thighs quiver and your belly ache.
simon didn't look your way to know your eyes were on him, burning into the skin of his lower face and thick neck that bobbed with every sip of alcohol. you were a curious little bunny that couldn't help but be captivated by his wolfish appearance, and it was going to get you bitten.
you were sad when the man didn't look your way. he appeared alone and refused to pay mind to anyone except the bartender. you wondered how long he'd linger as the bar started emptying old customers and flooding with new ones. the population never staggered, and in fact, only increased with happy hour. how long was the man going to sit in that very seat?
it was hard for him not to look your way, the knowledge that your attention kept returning to him gnawing at his brain until he couldn't help a glance when he was sure your gaze was fixed elsewhere. god, you were so pretty and completely oblivious to the fact he'd been shadowing you for months, but he'd caught your attention now. how long was it going to take for you to bite?
you weren't sure how much time had passed, but the man downed his drink, left a large bill on the bar, got up and left without a word. this was your charge. mirroring his actions with your own, smaller bill, you left with a fleeting glance to the patrons around you. you didn't dare risk losing sight of your newfound interest, but he wasn't hard to lose.
simon heard you stumble out the door behind him. you were clumsy, didn't bother hiding the loud clacks of your heels against the pavement, but he didn't give away that he knew. he played along, had to make sure his prey felt in control when in reality, he was the one twisting you like the puppet you were. he tugged on his helmet, flung a leg over his sports bike and turned it on. the question was, did he want to lose you, or give you what you wanted?
seeing him wrap his thick thighs around the gas tank only caused the throb in your pussy to intensify, his sharp, dark eyes that lured you in hidden behind the visor. you went to your own car, turning it on in time just as he pulled out of the parking lot. naturally, you followed, keeping what you thought was a non suspicious amount of distance between him and you.
but simon noticed. he had a keen eye when it came to you, and he laughed underneath his helmet that his little rabbit was the one chasing him, not the other way around. regardless, he led you through winding streets and back roads until he can to a stop in front of an isolated cabin. if his bunny had any brain, you'd have realized he led you to the middle of nowhere.
but when you were tunnel visioned on the object of your desire, you lost sight of everything else. you wanted him, or at least to watch him to see what he got up to. an interesting looking man had to have a life that reflected that, right? you parked your car just down the street when you noticed he took a turn into a driveway far between others.
he swiftly turned off the bike, leaving his helmet on for protectionāthats what he told himself, but little old you couldn't harm him if you tried. you were a little bunny compared to him. he hid around the side of his house, near one of the big windows that would tempt you to look inside. he was grateful he had remote control lights.
you crept with what felt like light feet, noticing the lights had been switched on. now where was he? you snuck up to that same window he knew you would peer into, standing on your tiptoes and hands curling around the windowsill for one peek.
but a scream fell silent on your lips when a hand tugged your waist into a hard, warm chest with another on your mouth. heavy breaths moved against your back with a shocking hardness pressed to your ass.
Ghost who starts dating you and almost immediately stops showing up to pub nights- a sacred ritual for the 141, and causes raised eyebrows by the third time he grunts ācanātā over the phone.
Soap corners him after the fifth time he cancelled, all crooked grin and too bright eyes, leaning into Ghostās space. āYeāre skippinā again, LT. Whatās the matter? Bird got ye on a curfew?ā
Ghost doesnāt answer at first. Just shoulders his bag higher and keeps walking. But Soap follows, wheedling in that relentless way of his. āCāmon, Simon. Yeāve not bought a round in weeks. Ye skint? Need a loan? Or is it her? Ye spendinā all yer money on that pretty thing yeāve been seeinā?ā
Ghost stops, turns just enough for Soap to see the flat line of his mouth beneath the mask. āMoneyās tight.ā
āTight?ā Soap barks a laugh, but it dies quick when he clocks the look in Ghostās eyes. āYou? The fuckāre ye spendinā it on, then?ā
Ghost doesnāt elaborate, just walks away. Soap watches him go, brow furrowed, and later- when itās just the three of them and a half empty bottle- he tells the others what little he got.
āSheās draininā him,ā Soap says. āHeās cuttinā back on everythinā else. Wonāt even split a pizza. Says heās savinā.ā
Price swirls whatās left in his glass. āSeen it before. Good men go soft for the right pair of legs and a sweet smile. Ghostās got discipline, aye, but heās still a man. And men like that⦠theyāve got bank. No one to spend it on before. Makes āem easy marks.ā
āGold digger,ā Gaz mutters, not quite under his breath, shaking his head at another brother lost. āBetter menāve fallen for less.ā
They keep this to themselves, where Ghost canāt hear them. Wouldnāt matter if they did. Heās already gone- head, heart, and wallet- in a way none of them have ever seen. They think heās blind to it. That heās being played.
What they donāt see is the way Ghostās cock twitches, thickening in the grey confines of his pants, every time he pushes his tongue past the sticky-sweet barrier of your sixty dollar lipstick until it smears, thumb dragging across your lower lip, deliberate, spreading the color onto your chin.
Doesnāt see how hard he gets until heās dizzy with it, one fist buried tight in your blown out hair, gripping at the roots and ruining the careful- expensive- work the stylist did until damp strands stick to your skin.
Blunt head already drooling a thick pool of pre, balls aching as he watches the mascara run down your flushed cheeks, lashes clumping, while he feeds his cock into your perfect warm mouth until the flared head gags the back of your throat.
And maybe he is just a man- a weak, greedy, obsessed man- as he swipes his card on yet another several-hundred-dollar clothing purchase despite your soft protests, already half hard at the thought of how heās going to rip those pretty new things off your body the second the door closes behind you both, bullying his cock into your cunt around the remains of yet another tattered pair of fifty dollar lacy panties.
You always say something about the cost, about how he canāt keep doing this, but Ghost just shakes his head once, sharp and final. āCan. Will. Shut up anā let me see what I bought.ā
The lads can think what they want. Let them whisper about gold diggers and better men falling. They donāt see how turned on Ghost gets spoiling you rotten, just so he can see you all soft and wrecked, expensive clothes twisted and stained, hair a mess, face streaked with him after he fucks you stupid.
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