I'd have my #basicwhitegirl membership card revoked if I didn't post a picture of this #adorable and #delicious #capresesalad I made while snowed in! Want to know how I did it? (I make recipes up.) I've always pretended to know how to cook. My limited and often surprising abilities in the kitchen stem from my colorful work history in about a dozen restaurants. A dozen restaurants because I have a mediocre work ethic (in the field of hospitality,) attention deficit disorder (straight up, no denying it, ADD like YA READ ABOUT,) habitual tardiness (trouble picking outfits and remembering to put gas in my car,) and an aversion to authority (particularly if that authority is wearing a headset walkie talkie, saying things like "86 Potato Skins," wearing non-slip shoes, and has a special swipe card attached to a bungee cord on their arm that when whipped out it is as if they have a nina and you know they straight trippin'.) I always liked to pay attention to how things operated in the kitchen. I overheard a lot of things (subsequently a lot of filthy, filthy Portuguese phrases from my Brazilian brethren) and as I was faced with a variety of complaints from hoards of professional "bacon and cheese loaded-ANYTHING" eaters and disgruntled elderly, instead of having no frame of reference for how things were prepared I wanted to be able to throw them off with some smoke-and-mirrors food knowledge. I can surprise you, and I will try not to use elevated language like: "cook the Elk Steak for about 90 minutes or until the internal temperature reaches 165°." I am more apt to say things like, "try not to eat elk," and "cook chicken until it seems done and try some, or call your parents and ask them how to cook chicken." So here is a little treat I often like to purchase at Bertuccis, but as I am not leaving my house to drive the 400 ft. to the Bertuccis, I made it! Chicken Caprese Salad: First of all DOPE, awesome food choice, you "feel" like you're being healthy but it's a total illusion. What you need: 1. Guess what? They sell salad in bags. Go get yourself a 50/50 blend of Spinach and "Spring Mix" because it's telling me on the bag it is "Complex & Robust" and supposedly dark greens are better for you so you just earned yourself some wine. 2. Sunburst tomatoes (they're yellow, go figure?) 3. Grape tomatoes (they're adorable) 4. Basil 5. Olive Oil (EVOO if you have any left from giving yourself or others perineal massages) 6. Black Pepper and Salt. I use Pink Himalayan Salt because I think it is hilarious and I love being able to contribute to "health food" conversations with all the people I work with who do cross fit and eat Kale. With one of those knowing-groan-sighs like "Ugh yes, I loovveee Pink Himalayan salt, I have to have it like, I can't, you need it." (I bought it at TJMaxx) It's a distraction for when I slip out on my lunch break and get a fountain coke and a snack wrap 7. Balsamic Vinegar 8. Minced Garlic (awesome also for eliminating people coming close to your face) 9. CHICKEN 10. Mozzarella Cheese 11. Balsamic Cream. This is my favorite thing ever. My biggest takeaway from restaurants. It's like balsamic maple syrup consistency goo that looks like chocolate and makes everything taste better. Disclaimer: it is not healthy. What you do: 1. Marinate that chicken, overnight if possible, in some EVOO, balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, and that minced garlic. Let it swim. Delicious. When you're ready to cook it throw it in a shallow glass dish and put that oven to 375. Cook for 30 minutes. Even if you're NOT sure, chicken should be white all the way through. Never pinkish purple, that chicken is not done and you are on a fast track to vomiting late at night. 2. Cut up that basil. Throw it in a big bowl. I'd say I used 3/4 of a cup of chopped basil. 3. Sprinkle some EVOO on that and some salt and pepper. 4. Cut them tomatoes in half, enough so that bowl is wicked colorful. 5. Through in your greens. I make way too much of everything so just, use the whole bag who cares. 6. Cut up some cheese not too itty bitty. Put it in that bowl. 7. Top with a wee bit more EVOO, and some splashes of balsamic vinegar. 8. Mixy-mix and let it sit. 9. When you take out your cooked chicken, let it sit so it stays juicy (if you cut it too soon it'll dry out) slice it on a diagonal and keep it separate from the salad. Hot chick on your salad will wilt it and that’s bogus. 10. Throw your salad mixture in a bowl you will consume it out of, top it with the sliced chicken and then grab that balsamic cream and prepare to have your world rocked. Swiftly zig zag and top the chicken with Balsamic Cream; chicken is so dope and the EVOO and vinegar eliminate the need for a real serious dressing. "No dressing please," at this point you can basically skip the gym. and VOILA! you have a satisfying caprese salad that you can enjoy and then eat gradually over time with your fingers as you pass the refrigerator and debate Chinese Food. Bring what's left to work the next day and seem like a delicate flower who makes the most of her day off!
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