A year of ...
I have all of these notes saved of fleeting thoughts and archived emotions, but I can't seem to get my neurodivergent brain to focus and thoughtfully write it all out to make sense of it all. So, I decided to compile all of them here and just accept my future self with know why I saved that TikTok video, Twitter screenshot, or Pinterest quote.
This year was....tough. It was for most, as I've seen online, but since this is for myself and my nonsensical quips, it was a rough year. A year of unemployment. A year of not feeling good enough. A year of renewal. A year of forgiving myself. A year of gratitude.
I'm really feeling the gratitude at an exceptional level right now, especially for my family. My parents really sacrifice so much for me. They love me in their own way and I am forever grateful. I needed this time with them to open my eyes and see that they're always trying their best and they always act out of love and good intentions.
I'm starting this new journey, finally after a year of feeling lost. I am moving back to Los Angeles. I just got a new car. I'm working on finding a new apartment. I bought my ticket and my parents are driving the new whip over themselves. Again, I'm so grateful for their unconditional love. They really have supported me through these last few months, especially. They've been my saving grace and I'm eternally grateful for this time. It happened for a reason. And I understand it now.
I will not bring that anger into the new year. My anger is justified in releasing the emotions from poisoning me from the inside out. I will not be rotten. I will acknowledge, process, and release.
Ok, so now that I've gotten that out of the way, here are some thoughts and ramblings that moved me and made a profound impact on my life this year:
"I was taught that keeping quiet kept the peace until I realized whose peace is it keeping? They were at peace, and I in that little body, was holding all of the war, and i didn't want to hold it anymore."
THERE'S LITERALLY NOTHING IN NATURE THAT BLOOMS ALL YEAR LONG, SO DON'T EXPECT YOURSELF TO DO SO (allow rest, rejuvenation, renewal).
"I used to think life would never treat me well and now I'm like, life is good and bad and hurtful and loving and kind and uncaring and thoughtless and discerning and bountiful and unforgiving and cruel and holds its arms wide open waiting for me to either lean in or let go and i get to do that over and over again." "isn't life so confusing and ever-changing? i never imagined i would be where i am today but here i am. things keep getting better, and sometimes they slip but i make it my mission to let myself breathe and get back on track...if anything, just know, you have time."
"no offense but i've decided I'm gonna stop being sad and start being unbelievably powerful, creative, and full of love & light"
I'VE LEARNED THAT LIFE CANNOT BE CONTAINED, DESPITE OUR BEST ATTEMPTS
"Uncommon advice: If you don't know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself. Then, the right path will reveal itself."
YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR FUTURE MUST BE GREATER THAN YOUR ATTACHMENT TO YOUR PAST.
"I care about this and I would like it to go well."
"Me to the universe: Well, if you're not worried, then I'm not worried."
"Being hyper-aware is such a sign of trauma. It's led to crazy resentment for me that others couldn't pick up on things i thought were obvious."
"No revenge because I'm actually grateful you mirrored my own shadow and unaddressed wounds back to me so I could do my own shadow work. Now I'm a more embodied version of myself."
DID THIS DAY SUCK? OR! DID I GET TO BE A STUDENT IN MY BODY? DID I PLAY WITHOUT EXPECTATION? DID I HAVE FREEDOM WITH MY TIME? DID I HAVE TIME FOR SELF-DISCOVERY? DID I INVEST IN MY RELATIONSHIPS? DID I FEEL CONNECTED TO MY BODY, SOUL, MIND? DID I FEEL MY FEELINGS FULLY? DID I MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS MY DREAM LIFE?"
"Allow the present moment to initiate you into the version of yourself that you need to be right now."
"Detach and just letting things be really is key. Why stress out when you'll literally never miss something that is truly meant for you!!! Stand on that!! <3"
"If you are treating others better than you're treating yourself, that's a lack of integrity."
"I encourage you to be the 'worst thing' a girl can be – ugly. Watch the way the world glosses over you. Find how everyone gawks when you leave the competition. But see what you find: the time to construct a soul within yourself. You will feel your heart beating in your chest and realize you've become the scariest things a girl can be, whole." —Paris Gitobu
HOW DO YOU EXPECT NEW BEGINNINGS IF YOU DON'T CREATE SPACE FOR THEM. END CYCLES, LET PEOPLE GO, LET GO OF AN OLD MINDSET. CREATE SPACE
"I need a man who enjoys introspective, emotionally vulnerable conversations about our limiting beliefs, family dynamics, and what we are cognitively and spiritually working through. I LIKE MY MEN ATTENTIVE, GENTLE, CONSIDERATE, GENEROUS AND HANDSOME."
LET ME FALL, IF I MUST FALL. THE PERSON WHO I WILL BECOME WILL CATCH ME.
"My life got better when I realized I didn't have to be nice. Nice got me used, stressed out and disrespected.
I'm not nice.
I'm a good person.
There's a difference."
You don't have to be nice to be a good person. Being good means being honest, setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself without compromising your values. Being nice may give you temporary approval, but it rarely earns you respect or helps you build genuine connections. Honor your truth. You won't regret it.
Affirmations for Letting Go: I'm not in control of the past, but I am in control of the now. I am open to growth and change. I release all fears of not being perfect. I am letting go of all expectations. My growth is valuable and it is in my hands, not someone else's. I am not afraid of the new and unfamiliar. I will go with the flow and trust the process.
Them: how's it going? Me: "Ya know, same panic, different disco"
5 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH CONFIDENCE: 1. Self-doubt is a FEELING, it it not the truth. Don't let the feeling of self-doubt dictate how you think about yourself. It is normal if you don't feel confident all the time. It does not define you as a person. 2. The second you stop putting people on pedestals is the second you will feel more confident. Even though it may not seem that everyone's got everything figured out, this is not the case. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and no one is perfect. When you stop idolizing others, you stop comparing yourself to an unrealistic ideal that does not exist. 3. Praise and criticism do not say anything about you as a person. They say something about the other person's perception. Use it as feedback, a data point, but do not use it as something that defines you and your work. 4. When you compare yourself to others, you make your confidence and happiness dependent on others. When you focus on what is important to your, your regain control over your confidence and happiness. 5. Trust in the abilities you already have. You already have experienced so much in life and have acquired skills that will help your overcome any new challenge.
Reflect on and remember all of the hard work and sacrifices it took to get where you are
Don't punish yourself for failure. Failure is a normal part of growth and progress!
Comparing yourself to others will only make it worse. Stay in your lane and remember that everyone's path is different
Repeat affirmations to yourself: "I deserve this"
Keep track of your skills, achievements, and success
Notice when someone compliments you and believe them
NO REVENGE BECAUSE I LIKE WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU.
TRAUMA SAYS: I have to overexplain myself to be understood and accepted HEALING SAYS: I am learning to trust my own voice and be comfortable with being misunderstood. My value is not determined by others' perceptions of me.
"I am saving the best of me for the people who give me the best of them! Sheesh! 🔥"
YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF TO OUTGROW AND DEPART FROM CERTAIN ERAS OF YOUR LIFE WITH A GENTLE SORT OF RUTHLESSNESS.
"It's not your job to internalize the low self worth of insignificant people"
changing every "i should have known better" to "; know better now". i will not judge past versions of me through the lens of who i am now.
just chewed on my lip until it bled and my mom said it's okay it will heal in a few days. painfully reminded the body really does just heal itself over and over again. theres somebody whos been trying to save me all along and its me.
This next part of your life will require you to be mindful of self-sabotage. You have always been deserving of an abundant life. You have always been enough. One important rule to stick to in 2025, is to not dwell on what went wrong in 2024. Heal, leave the past in the past, forgive yourself, lock in, and keep things moving.
“I tell you what freedom is to me: no fear.” — Nina Simone "i don't walk away to teach ppl a lesson i walk away when I've learned mine" Free yourself from the confines of pop psychology and enjoy your fleeting experience on earth. love isn't a fairy tale. it's a messy, beautiful journey of discovery. we stumble, we learn, we grow together. we discover each other's quirks, work through disagreements, and emerge stronger. and when we take space, the distance should only make our hearts beat closer. BLOOM! Black sheep to black sheep: "the loneliness, the judgement, the harsh criticisms...they might break you. but only for a season. keep going, because these experiences also empower you to detach from all of the groupthink and peer pressure so that you can grow into the person you're destined to become." I’ve learned the best way to kill something is to let it starve. No response, no action, no altercations, just don’t feed it. That’s where the true power lies. "i’m full of love and anger in a lava lamp sort of way" I CAN ACHIEVE MY WILDEST DREAMS GOING SLOW AND RESTING OFTEN.
sometimes it's as simple as saying "i deserve to be happy, so i'm going to make space for what makes me happy."
Be audacious. Women are socialized to be compliant, agreeable, and risk-averse, but you must break free from this because the path to greatness isn’t paved with caution—it’s built on audacity. So, go after what you want with AUDACITY, and be unapologetic about it.
Take a deep breath and remember who you are. Courageous, full of wisdom, and able to do difficult things. You are not your past mistakes or regrets. You are the conscious being capable of all things.
"FOR THE HIGHEST OF GOOD OF ALL AND HARM TO NONE"
that one part of healing when you gotta stop blaming the world and gotta look in the mirror and say “ok, what did i allow though?” and then the next part when the spirit of guilt, blame and shame want to overcome you but then the next part when you realize you can take responsibility for how you showed up and your healing without harshly condemning & criticizing self. because responsibility and taking authority over your autonomy doesn’t have to look like the harsh examples of authority/responsibility the government, parents and everyone else showed you. when you realize you don’t have to incarcerate yourself, lock yourself up in your mind, body and heart simply because you weren’t perfect. and that next part when you move with grace and release the shame because you’ve already taken responsibility, done the introspection and are actively making better decisions. that’s the healing, friends and folks You’re going to have to miss out on a few things when you’re in your season of isolation and focus. I knew 2024 would be about sowing, building a legacy and a home, and healing from lost loved ones & ended friendships. 2025 I’m reaping and reclaiming my time, ALL of it. this is your world baby, build it! If you’re not intentional about deriving joy from the little things, the struggles of adulthood would make you grumpy and miserable.
