And after sunny days, a storm is bound to appear.
There is nothing I hate more than being in the eye of the storm without an umbrella.
We've been having quite a few disagreements lately. Mostly because we are literally opposites attracted to each other. And we are so different that we get disappointed or feel betrayed when the other one does not feel the same thing with the same amount of intensity.
Even if we give our best, maybe our best is not even a little to them. Maybe some problems are too big to be fixed with "I love you". Maybe some wars are not meant to be won, they are just meant to hurt you.
How can we make someone feel better when all the things we can offer them are not going to help? What do you do when the problem you have to fix is yourself?
I feel like a failure. Like all the words I wrote here are fake. After each fight, each disagreement, each misunderstanding, I think of those two teenagers that fell in love through text messages. Those kids had more hope than the two of us combined. It saddens me to see how the world tores us apart and rips all the hope and wonder away from our young hearts.
How can a problem be so difficult you have no words to mend it? How can it make you feel so small and vulnerable? How can it make you feel that way when it all happened under your ruling?
This is a tiny part of what I feel like when I have a fight with him. I try to answer in the way he would want, but no words sound good enough to me. So I choose silence. And I can see how mad he gets when I opt to stay quiet. But nothing I have to say will help our situation. My thoughts are going as fast as the speed of light and even though they are all connected to our problem, they are side issues that won't allow us to come up with a viable solution. Just nuances that are mine to take care of.
I don't know if he still reads this blog. Part of me hopes he doesn't. But if you do, you should know I am in a really bad place, mentally and physically. I hate my life, I hate my body and I hate myself. I don't know if therapy is the answer but I just know that I don't like my life right now and that is part of the reason why I may be so disconnected from reality. That is the reason why I cry every night and why it is difficult for me to come up with solutions. I am back in the black room I once was but now there are no weapons with me, only mirrors and no doors. It sucks. It's not your fault. But it sucks.
I hope to get better soon but I see no hope for myself at the moment. I am sorry about this. I hope you never get to read this because I don't know what I would say. So, if you do read this, here's a little advice from my past self: don't give me solutions. Give me a hug. Kiss me. Make me feel the warmth of that light I cannot find. I will find the solution to my problem. I don't need you for that. I need you to help me find hope so that I can fix it on my own. So, if you are reading this, just give me love in the truest form you can find. Thank you.
