Sunflower JuJu

The life of a country fried Kansas woman. Counting pills to pay the bills, and trying to make the best of things.

[sunflowerjewelz]

[sunflowerjewelz]

Ready for a #chiefskingdom🏈 #superbowl How About You?? (at My Sweet Abode) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8FTGN0nPO6ausmjG2m-JcD4yUGcXgTonivdlo0/?igshid=c616mewfpffv

[sunflowerjewelz]

[sunflowerjewelz]

Looked up the meaning of my name on Google..and this came up. https://www.instagram.com/p/B3hXTASn3njVuk4ad7b6BcFreRwc5H5yYA1aGs0/?igshid=2rmrbgytmlrr

[sunflowerjewelz]

Wedding fun with my family. #love #fun #wedding https://www.instagram.com/p/B3f5d75HuzmOej-f5v7EkHi9-ysrSOykEbSCzs0/?igshid=hxikbnqrxaeg

[sunflowerjewelz]

Got our plaque from Mom, Crystal, and everyone. It's beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect. Thank you. #babyOliver #guardianangel #ArrowToMyHeart (at My Sweet Abode) https://www.instagram.com/p/B17RldNHCFIW-CXfDVPIn8XZVOb0LsF5BptyVA0/?igshid=14rpg9dz1o925

[sunflowerjewelz]

Aww, I miss all those curls. https://www.instagram.com/p/B1ObZF7HQ-SAYnIwG_AbmOCFcyU7aImw5GFwiw0/?igshid=1fyg78awdrjg1

[sunflowerjewelz]

Happy Birthday Rocky Horror Picture Show!! One of my all-time favorites!! #letsdothetimewarp #itsjustajumtotheleft #anticipat.....tion https://www.instagram.com/p/B1JExepnFnNTHXztyE5N4DQLgTZxlQ_jugL4UY0/?igshid=1fm225g8z1vjj

[sunflowerjewelz]

Sometimes I catch myself holding my breath, and I have to stop and remind myself to just breath. https://www.instagram.com/p/B0o94mEn-iwwwQbTVgrjM35TDNC6ddWab8Piq00/?igshid=j44vjpuyjmrz

[sunflowerjewelz]

She is my heart. Without her and her daddy, I would be lost. They both know how to make me smile, even when it feels like I can't. (at My Sweet Abode) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0mruBYnmQRn8jkzTUGLVwkAqkK7Di3r48Z0Rg0/?igshid=kn0zzoth534q

[sunflowerjewelz]

Playing Pokemon Go. This is Luna she is my shiny dragonite. 💜💜 https://www.instagram.com/p/BuNAHjel82B1ogRBjMcaalIdlnVWFwaLw6yYiQ0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vx3vq0vcieuj

[sunflowerjewelz]

Well, she has always loved singing for us. And I can't wait to see her music program tonight. #mommysperformer #loveit #anewspinonasong https://www.instagram.com/p/BtBOeVpF2-Vqf4kA00WHpQN_FRfCqeu0OVjf8U0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uhrz2d339vvr

[sunflowerjewelz]

What happens when your swiffer mop handle breaks in the middle of you cleaning the bathroom? You tape that sucker up with duct tape. #stillworks #redneckfix #ducttapefixeseverything (at My Sweet Abode) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsTqssXFmAD7U9j-nY-_0CCm_fInrV1bHOF4rA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7xz4icikdw1n

[sunflowerjewelz]

My #bathandbodyworks haul. Not big, but enough for me. #welovesale https://www.instagram.com/p/Br_ECUEgS6eIgwqkMZg5HkRQOpCHcVvNQTX-6Y0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1k09bfrov8u4s

[sunflowerjewelz]

Having fun playing with her presents from Mom, Dad, and Santa. (at My Sweet Abode) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br0KRc4lXvpxoQ-1cnbG7xM3bdYcU4bxjndZUE0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gz2bm22wxl7h

[sunflowerjewelz]

Merry Christmas Eve! From our family to yours. #myChristmasBaby #ProudMomma #MyHeart https://www.instagram.com/p/Brxa1P8ljWCUzSvM5l461BTFhcJ-XXoCj_9HXA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wdr98uvxbcyy

[sunflowerjewelz]

It's hard to accept

Everything is in working order. All my baby making parts are good. All the blood work done is normal. I am a healthy individual. But, oh wait, that genetic testing we did..that ends up NOT being covered by your insurance, and now you owe hundreds of dollars in bills to. Well, you have a chromosomal abnormality. Basically you are genetically predisposed to have these damn miscarriages. And your one beautiful child you have now is a miracle baby.

That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted, no needed to hear that the reason behind my miscarriages was fixable. That all i need to do is not eat this, or take this drug. But no, there isn't anything in this world at this point in time that can help me. I just have to accept it. And you know what, I really don't want to. I would give my freaking left arm just to have another baby in my life...and everything that goes with it. I know its dumb to say, but it's just not fair. I want my babies back.

My depression, which I deal with daily. Is sometimes easier to deal with some days than others. Today is a hard day. I think of all my angels and wonder what they would be like. Would they be like me? Or Mark? Or a wonderful combo of both of us? What would they look like? How would they act? And if I let myself go down that road too far, I get real depressed. So, I don't usually take that trip. I just thank God for tsking care of them and pray that they watch over us until we can see them again. I got to hear each and every heart beat, they were real. And they are mine, even if only for a few weeks.

Anyways, if you read all this, thank you. This is really just for me to vent somewhere. I will be ok. Today is just a bad day for me.