abigail

light up and fill yourself // je serai là même quand ça fait mal

[sunken-discrepancy]

090820

I never wrote here how much I loathed the earth when I found out I have PCOS. Everything really went downhill the moment that bomb exploded; that was like at beginning of the year, challenging my ass if I could take an inconvenience in life. Fast forward to today still on quarantine and recently stopped taking pills without any direct orders from my doctor (it’s hard to set an appointment hehe + I don’t want to harm my family and take the risk of getting covid). I feel somehow a bit incomplete with the sudden withdrawal of the pill the I took for 6 months every 10 pm. It’s just a matter of time when my feelings will scatter all over again and it just so happens that it starts today.

I’ve been daydreaming lately of the ideal partner that I’d like to have in this lifetime. I have a long list of the characteristics the appeal to me but surely this one always stands out, it’s huge bonus if he knows how to bake. I mean wouldn’t it be cute to knead bread together? But that’s just my illusion really. 

[thepersonalquotes]

[sunken-discrepancy]

01102020

*screams internally!!*

Can’t believe we fucking made it far!

The highlight of this week would be intensely feeling of loneliness and just crave for companionship of another sex. I can’t really process that I am having an entry about ANOTHER BOY YES PUNYETA. This one though, ended all of my hopes and dreams in just a mannerly “thank you”. Boy I really thought this would work out after I said my feelings to him but it was just really a huge banging flop. I did all my might to avoid him today which surprisingly was easy.

I really did had my hopes high for him because of the premonitions I received from my friends but they are REALLY PREMONITIONS of which literally means something bad might happen. All these red flags but still decided to take a go and take a risk which by the way, I’ve done a lot from my past failed relationships. I’m just here back to my old self thinking how am I never enough to anyone at all. This seems too petty, waaaaay immature for my 20 year old self but you just can’t help feeling like this; there’s no way out when you catch feelings for someone else and later on discovering how much invested you are into it.

Moving aside, literally, I spent like an hour on contemplating if I should jot all these feelings or not because I gave up on writing. It was something precious to me. There were days when everything just comes crashing down my mind and these things turn out beautiful when written; but the past years were just full of resentment. Maybe it was my lack of appreciation for what I have done or just my weariness of having an invisible audience. who knows, I might come back this year, but who really knows?

[sunken-discrepancy]

0720

i always tend to blame my hormones when it’s the time of the month for this heavy pang of sadness that lies within me. the sadness where you feel utterly shit and just want to drown into something just to make this pain go away. it has been long since i felt this way again and i think that is some huge change for not feeling this heavy in such ages.  

[hoeonfilm]

cant wait til i move to another country and be that girl that disappeared to live her life

[hplyrikz]

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.”

— Kurt Vonnegut (via hplyrikz)

Clear your mind here

(via hplyrikz)

[sunken-discrepancy]

042619

You know what hurts? It's that after the tough and chaotic times we've been through together and how much I loathe you for breaking me, I always think of running back to you with just a snap from your fingers. Everything is all on you. And I hate that this turned out to be.

[petitmeowmeow]

So the other day I was asked what i thought the sexiest MV was. I answered with the below MV and though it’s one of THE most famous MV’s in the entire world, a lot of my followers haven’t seen it. This song was literally BANNED for being too sexy. And I was originally slightly embarrassed saying that this was imo the Sexiest Music Video until I rewatched it and realised THEY’RE ALL MOSTLY SHIRTLESS SINGING EXPLICIT LYRICS AND THEN ALL THE FUCKING BONDAGE MY GOD. 

So no. I stand by it. This is from 2008 and it’s still sexy as fuck.

[malibu-92]

hwykiynt//COIN: a summary

don’t cry 2020: don’t be afraid of the future everything will be fine

boyfriend: stop being such an emo edgelord i don’t need this negativity in my life right now

talk too much: small talk is lame, let’s make out

i don’t wanna dance: Crippling Social Anxiety™

hannah: you can do great things in life but dating me is not one of them

are we alone?: get off ur goddamn phone

heart eyes: you’re rly nice and ily but u need to be nice to urself too

lately ii: that surprise bonus track at the end tho

feeling: over it

miranda beach: C R U S H

malibu 1992: why did u leave me

[sunken-discrepancy]

I remember the greatest time of my life, it was when I wasn't born.

[freyamikaelson-archived]

“Did you say it? I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal, walk towards it. But every now and then, look around, drink it in. Cause this is it, it might all be gone tomorrow.”

[gypsyastronaut]

[seamlessoo]

The Sea Was Her Companion

[adrenaline]

i love you but fuck you

[poetryandthesea]

“But what if you know?

What if you catch all the gazes I try to hide,

what if I still let something show?

What if you pick up the trembling of my fingers

or the replies that come too fast?

Do you know the difference in today’s glances

and how they used to be in the past?”

- // do you?

j.d.m.

[healingsuggestions]

you are growing from this you are growing from this you are growing from this

[sunken-discrepancy]

how did i get this far ...

putangina the pain is becoming unbearable anymore that i just want disconnect myself from people making me feel i wasn't worthy enough to create and spare some time. you won't hear anything from me anymore. I'm so tired from being this stuck up idiot girl. Maybe it's really time. (s/o to those people. you sometimes have to make your presence known til everything is too late.)