Reclaiming my Gender and Sexuality
In 2016, I was raped by a stranger. That same year I was groomed and molested by an older man. I came into recovery on 12/30/2016 and stopped using on that day.
For the first two years of my recovery, I struggled with guilt and shame surrounding my body and my gender expression. I decided that it was my femininity that made me a target of violence. I blamed every feminine part of myself for my trauma.
For two years, I only dressed in men’s clothing. I was binding, wearing button downs and boxy Tshirts almost every day. I collected all my feminine clothing; makeup, jewelry, intimates, and shoes, and threw them into a laundry basket. I donated everything to Goodwill.
It was a strange experience, but one that I found safety in. I found that men paid less attention to me. Most people assumed I was a lesbian, which I was okay with. As I began to deconstruct my own identity and learn about gender, I found identification with people who experienced body dysphoria. I discovered the term non-binary. I even changed my name to one that felt more masculine with my family and close friends. Even though I was doing everything I thought was right, I didn’t feel liberated.
I only owned men’s clothes, and every straight man I found myself attracted to treated me like a bro. I felt fake. I loved the button-ups, overalls, and the safety of masculinity, but felt inauthentic at the same time. Masculinity was an armor that temporarily protected me.
I began to hear a yearning when I got dressed in the morning. I looked into my closet of baggy men’s clothes and felt like I was in a box. I would internally groan at the lack of options in my closet. I was yearning for tight clothes, lingerie, and makeup.
I began to fear: am I a fake transgender person for wanting to dress feminine? Has this all just been a big lie? Am I a fraud? Have the past two years been a waste of time?
After several months of consideration, I’ve decided to let myself be me. If I want to wear lipstick and a dress, then I’ll do that. After feeling uncomfortable with the masculine name I chose, I’ve asked my friends and family to call by my birth name again.
My femme has always been here and never went anywhere. No amount of baggy clothes her. All I want to do now is accept her for all her beauty, uncertainty, and complexities.
This week, I bought a T-shirt dress and a woman’s blazer. I got myself bralettes and a leotard. I found myself in Kroger looking over the lipsticks in absolute wonder. I bought mascara, purple lipstick, matte eyeshadow, and painted my nails blue-metallic. I am excited to be female. I am excited to be me.
At night, I touch myself without shame. When I feel afraid, or a flashback starts, I affirm that self-love is not abuse. I now allow myself to feel sexy and sensual.
I’m still on this journey. I’m still learning how to express my sexuality and sensuality. Today, I felt sexy, not because a man looked at me, or that I got compliments, but because I felt authentic and hot. I was me for the first time in years.
So here’s to reclaiming my sexuality, creativity, body, and gender expression. It’s been a journey, and all I can say is that I am so excited for what the future has to hold.
