This is my first time typing this and publish it on my tumblr. It’s not actually my first time writing “dear diary—“ but it’s my first time typing it here, on tumblr. Before I tell you what happened, I really respect you Atlas. I know that you’re not real and you’re just a fictional character from my favorite book. But reading how you really respect Lily, show how much Lily meant to you. Honestly I’ll be so lucky if i meet someone like you Atlas.
I have this idea of falling in love. It’s weird, but it always comes into my mind. Before I went into high school, I don’t even know how love really affect us. I mean yea— people said it feels like there are butterflies in your stomach, your face flushed every-time you see that person. But just that, it didn’t last forever for me. Once I got that person attention, it feels off. Until grade 10 in high school. It’s the same for me at first.. until I met him. He was my senior in high school. I’m not familiar with him at first, but some of my friends talked about him because he talked about me. And I don’t really mind.
But god who knows, a month after that I started dreaming about him. As if he really close to me, but I didn’t know him that well. It’s confusing but I got curious. Next day at school I started searching on him, saw him walk on the hallway and my face got really REALLY red. “Oh my god” I said to myself. You see Atlas, you must be thinking that “didn’t you say it only last for a while?”. But no.
I reached him first and he felt the same way too. After I reached him, we talked almost everyday, he came to my house countless times, he gave me a lot of attention. For the first time ever, I’m addicted with this person attention. He got my attention.
He got my fucking attention.
And just that, I want him more and more. I started to grow feelings to him and everyday it grew stronger. But again, when you love someone especially you love someone too much, there always be consequences. I don’t care about that consequences, I just stupidly-deeply in love with him. Until conflict started to rip us apart. We’re still young, 15 was not the best age to start a relationship for me. My mental was not ready for this. It was really my first time madly in love with someone and I didn’t know how to show it nor how to control it.
Atlas, I am in love with him, but there are many things I need to learn before I put myself there. I hurt him and I hurt myself too. Expressing things really hard for me and it was my first time too. Until May 2019 Atlas, I unconsciously end things with him because I didn’t know how to control my emotion. And I regretted it. Since May 2019, we going on and off just to fill our heart. Atlas, I was such a child. We end things but it always on loop ‘till now, but I still want him I always think about him. My heartache so bad that I wanted to run just to get over those feelings. I cried and cried until now.
I’ve just turned 16 back then, and for the first time I finally understand what people mean to each other
gummygunk
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
vaporwave
baratheonpilled
annaxmalina