sunshine

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

6

Resolve is a funny thing. According to Google, it means to settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter); to decide firmly on a course of action. It seems like such a black and white verb. You either are resolved or you are not. But like the actual act of fulfilling that resolve seems so abstract and non-concrete. For example: my resolve to write the blog (or anything for that matter). I frequently reach this resolve because I know for my mental well-being, it is the best course of action. But where things get funny is with that word FREQUENTLY. How do I come to the some conclusion over and over again? How do I decide firmly on a course of action, only to let it dissolve into nothing until it builds up again? This is all really just an irritatingly long way of saying, I definitely don't stick to the task of writing, as is made abundantly clear with the scantiness and sporadic timing of these posts. I am slowly coming to realize that being self-reflective and lazy (prone to procrastination) do not go hand in hand. I reflect FREQUENTLY on my life, my emotions, and my behavior but very rarely do I take the time to write about it, get it out of my head and into the world in some form. Instead I keep those reflections building up inside of me because I don't feel like writing them down. No matter how much I know it would help in doing so.

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

5

It has been nearly a year since I have started this page, and clearly my resolve to blog my life did not last very long. But looking back at my previous posts, I have rediscovered (not for the last time, I am sure) how much I enjoy writing, and how good I can be at it. I am no novelist, and clearly don't have a knack for proofreading, but the days that I do take the time to write, I do a pretty good job at describing how I am feeling. Posts 1-4 that were written at the start of 2020, before most of the world's population truly understood the word 'pandemic' and it is wonderful to read how optimistic I was, through all the angst of my priviledged life that is. Nearly 1 year later to the day, I find these posts again and see them with a new light. I can read them though the lense of my new life experiences, and lack there of, from the past year and appreciate how hopeful I was in what was a dark period of my life then. I have moved back in with my parents, again, moved home from a continent that I had established a life on, and am working for a family business I swore I would never be a part of. I am eternally grateful to be employed and have a roof over my head, but I am reminded everyday I have been home why I left in the first place. My life in my family is and never will be my own. My time is not my own according to them. I will never have my alone time, down time, not even for an hour of the day, because whatever they need is more important. A phone call, a knock on the door, a task left undone for weeks at a time, a meal not cooked, endless things interupt me when I try to take the time for myself. I have been made so irritable towards all around me out of spite, which is a toxicity I never wished to have. I resort to not sleeping to be alone with myself, which only contributes to the irritablilty. SO my solution for this, besides the not sleeping, is to start blogging again, apply to endless jobs in other cities that could pay for rent, workout, and maybe eat a little more than I should. I can proudly (and maybe not so proudly) say I am doing those solutions well. At least for the past few days. Here is hoping this resolve lasts longer than my last one.

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

4

I have now traveled to my 3rd continent. I have seen parts of the world that I never thought I would. I have met some amazing people everywhere I have gone. My wanderlust is being fulfilled. And as is usually true, I have learned more about myself with each new place and experience. Unfortunately, on some degree, some of what I have found out about myself are things I would have rather not learned. Yes, I can travel the world alone safely. And yes I can survive in a country for 3 months that I do not know the language of. But I also the same loner girl from the states who doesn't leave her room unless outwardly persuaded to. I am not the the adventure seeking, go-getter I thought I would be in a change of scenery. I was and am naive to think that changing time-zones would cure me of my dull life. Now, I know this sounds like privileged complaining, and it is exactly that. I am completely aware of how spoiled and entitled I sound in saying, "Woe is me. I have traveled the world and I am still sad. Nothing will ever cure me now." And yet I can't shake the feeling. But I am starting to realize that learning such facts about myself, however hard to handle, has revealed to me who I really am. I am the quiet girl who likes to watch way to many movies, goes exploring alone, never takes enough pictures, is fiercely independent to fault, and is introverted to the point of a recluse when surrounded by strangers. This wonderful person I am is someone I will be living with for the rest of my life. She is someone I can never get rid of or completely change, so I might as well find a way to love her, warts and all. So, though I have tried several times in the past, I am motivated to find all of the positive attributes I embody. Not only find them, but describe them. Explain to myself why I am worthy of love. Because if others can find in me reasons to love, than I sure as hell should be able to.

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

3

I was once proposed the idea that maybe I wasn't depressed, that I was just lost. At the time, I was annoyed that someone, without a degree (and someone who doesn't understand depression as an illness) would even say that to me. How dare they tell me how I was feeling? What I was going through? But as time went on, the more I thought about it. Did it make sense? Was I really just lost in my life? I started to see my life in a new light. Yes, I was upset and unmotivated on just about every aspect of myself, but I was also going through a huge transitional period. I had just quit my career, something I had been work towards since I was 10. I just moved back in with my parents, something I never thought I would resort to. I was working temp jobs in the city with a 2 hour commute each way. I was crashing on people's couches just to make my commute easier. Nothing was my own anymore. Maybe I was just lost. I really had no idea what my next move was. Now, this is all not to say that I am no depressed. I do have depression, it is something I am working on. But this new perspective of 'being lost' made me just the slightest bit more hopeful. Even though deep down, I knew these things meant the same thing for me, the phrasing of 'being lost' made it that much easier to take the next step towards getting better. I see my life more as a journey now, one that strays from the path often, but remains going in the right direction.

"God writes straight with crooked lines"--Portuguese Proverb I got this tattoo to illustrate this proverb. It reminds me everyday that I’ll end up where I need to be.

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

2

I need to figure out my life. Depression is a real bitch. It is the leading cause to my procrastination, and vice versa. It's a vicious cycle I can't escape. I don't know how many times I have to learn that tomorrow isn't a guarantee. Why won't it stick? Why is that I have okay days and really bad days, but very rarely good days. When my life has no plan, I lose all sight for adventure. I lose the desire to plan something new or on my own. If a plan is simply for the betterment of myself, it definitely won't happen. Finding a job, going grocery shopping, buying necessary items, finding a home. All of these tasks take days to plan and prepare for, though the time spent on actually planning is very close to only a few hours tops. Then the anxiety kicks in. And the tasks I planned for gets a thousand times more complicated. But with all of this, I know that there is answer. It's on those okay and rare good days that I find the motivation to complete all of these things. Sometimes it stems from spite of previous lazy days. But other times, on a really good day, it stems from a genuine love of life. It is on those days that I know that this depression won't be a permanent thing in my life. Whether through therapy, medicine, or sheer will power I won't be depressed forever.

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

1

There is a common idea that the solutions to all of life’s problems are out there if you are willing to search for them. It may not be an idea that was written down by famous philosophers (as far as I know), but it’s an idea that everyone I know seems to share.

The problem with this philosophy is that I took it literally. I have traveled far and wide for varying lengths of time and that little voice in my head is starting to tell me that the search wasn’t meant to be across oceans. Instead it was meant to be within my own heart and mind. While this realization is a wonderful step in self-reflection, I am currently on the opposite side of the planet to everything I have ever known and am no closer to solving my life.

[sunshine-and-all-things-yellow]

LifeBlog

My intention with this blog is to figure out my life. I have no idea where to start, or where I am going with this, but I have a feeling it will eventually find it’s direction. I have been drawn to the idea of writing it all down recently and can’t get the blog idea out of my head.

So here it is.. my Life Blog